All language subtitles for Hacks.2021.S02E05.WEBRip.x264-ION10.2_English

- A senator?
I don't know!

Pass.

Um, uh--uh, blind singer.

- John Lennon!
- Time.

- Oh, my God, wha--
Stevie Wonder.

- Mm, how does he play
the piano if he's blind, Ava?

Oh. Okay.

- So you guys got
zero points again.

- God.
- Unbelievable.

- Ready?
- Mm-hmm.

Go.

Bought your old house.

- Suzanne Pleshette.
- Yes.

Stole your hairdresser.

- Keith Urban.
- Yes.

Didn't say hi at JFK.

- Marie Osmond.
- Yep.

You don't know her. Pass.

Ooh! Cheap couch.

Oh, Barbara Bush!

- This is so easy.
- Yes.

You used to share a gardener.

Siegfried.

- Roy.
- Yes.

Innocent.

- Ted Kennedy.
- Yes.

There was no guardrail.

- Five seconds.
- Um...

broken condom.

- Robert Mitchum.
- Yes!

- Time!

We did it! We did it!

- You guys obviously win again.
- Yes!

It's, like, 75 to 0.

I think we should work.

You big baby.

My business manager
embezzled from me

and bought himself
a place in Tallahassee.

I sued him,
and the court gave me

the house in Tallahassee.

I said,
"Why are you punishing me?"

I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know.

Is that too--I mean, "Boo-hoo,

my business manager
stole from me"?

Well, yeah,

but it's what
really happened to you.

We just need to write
a better punch line.

Um...

what about...

"My business manager stole
from me and bought a Rolex.

Now every time he looks at it,
it says '30 years to life.'"

- It's not terrible.

That's what I love to hear.

This is hard.

Oh, my God!

How do you take those
all at once?

- Oh!

- It takes too much time
to take them individually.

- So you have to unhinge
your jaw like a snake?

- God, I could never.
- Oh, yeah, you could.

I've seen you take
a bite of a hamburger.

Here. In fact, here.
You should take one of these.

- Oh, I don't--

- Oh, come on. Take it.
It's good for you.

- You need it.
- Wait, this is huge.

Hi. We have an emergency.

They're retiring
Black Pashmina.

- What?
- Yeah.

- It's being discontinued.
- No!

- Can I have some water?
- I'm so sorry.

What's that?

- Ugh, it's the fragrance
I have worn

for 25 years.

- I found a Lord & Taylor
200 miles from here,

- and they have it in stock.

- Okay, all right, if we skip
the meet and greet and reroute,

we can still make it
to Springfield on time.

- Really? Oh, my God.
I'm so glad you're here.

- Oh, there's a free gift
with purchase.

Lip liner and a travel size
of the fragrance.

- Oh, no, they're gonna sell
like wildfire.

- Yep.
- Phil! Step on it.

We're taking a detour.

And remember,
yellow means hit the gas!

So I use four
to six bottles every...

I'm gonna need 57 bottles.

That is a lot of bottles.

- Well, I plan
on living to be 102.

Conservatively.

Optimistically, 109.

- Wow. Like, biblical almost.
What's in those pills?

- Well, I've been on
a Mediterranean diet

for the last 40 years.

I come from Pilgrim blood.

We're a very hearty people.

Um...

not sure you should be,

like, proud of descending
from colonizers.

I just, like, think that--

Tweet it.

- No can do.

- Yeah, I'm gonna take
the testers too.

Okay, I need 33 more.

See if you can find any
anywhere on our route.

Yeah. Okay.

You and I are gonna go

to the clearance rack
before we go.

People in this part
of the country

don't understand fashion,

so the best stuff
gets passed over.

Wow, what happened to,

"Just because they don't live
in New York or LA

doesn't mean
they don't know what's funny"?

They know comedy.

- But they dress like tableware.

When I was a kid,
I used to hide in these racks,

and one time I hid way too well

and my mom couldn't find me
for, like, nine hours.

- Oh, God.
- I realized you could survive

in a mall for a long time,
though.

Like, you could sleep

- in the home goods section.

- Live off samples
from the food court.

Go to school at Barnes & Noble.

- That'd make a good movie.
Kid grows up in a mall.

Yeah, it could be, like...

a metaphor for losing a parent.

Like, "Home Alone"
meets late stage capitalism.

You should write that.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

See, this wouldn't fit me,
but this would fit...

Absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

Finally! A woman!

- Ugh, you've gotta hire
an HR person.

- I'm buying this for you.
I'm buying it all.

- I don't want this.
- Oh, it's not for you.

It's for the rest of us.

Deborah?

Susan.

Susan Essig?

Oh, my God. The hell?

Oh, my God.

- This is Ava.
Ava, Susan.

- It's been forever.
- Yeah, I know.

Just think, a child born
the day I quit comedy

would be old enough
to quit comedy now.

- Wait, wait.
When did you quit?

- I retired
after that Reno showcase.

You remember that?

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

What are you doing here?

- Well, actually, we're
on our way to Springfield.

I'm doing the state fair.

- Oh, fun. That's--
- Excuse me.

I'm still waiting
on those flats in an 8 1/2.

- You're excused.
She's actually helping us.

- Yeah, I actually do
work on commission,

so I should probably
get back to helping her.

- Oh. Yeah, well, good, good.
Wait, no, she needs shoes.

Ava, go pick out some shoes.

- Anything I want?
- Sure.

Not from the men's department!

- You know, the state fair
is very popular around here.

My grandkids love it.

They go crazy
for those deep fried Oreos.

I know I'm spoiling them,
but I'll be long dead

by the time
they develop diabetes.

Oh, God.

Oh, well, look, you know what?

Tell you what,
why don't you bring them?

Bring them to the fair
and come and see the show.

Well, we'd love that.

- Yeah.
- Yeah. Good.

- Give me your number.
- Yeah, yeah. Let's see.

- Now you put yours in mine.
- Oh.

- Okay, and then I'll put mine
in yours.

Okay, so I don't know.

I opened something
called Keynote?

- Oh, shoot,
I just put my number

- in your calculator.
- Oh, well, you know what?

Here, take a picture
of my calculator,

and then you could text me
the picture.

- Well, which one's
your camera?

- No, the camera on your phone.
- Ugh.

Stepping in, folks.

Just gonna...

Handle that for you guys.
No problem.

There you go.

- Thanks.

I should go help that bitch.

- But I'll see you at the fair.

- Go, go.
All right, talk to you soon.

Okay, loafer report.

Deborah.

Okay, so these are
technically unisex,

but I thought
you might like them

because they are $800.

You okay?

Yeah.

It's just kind of weird
when I run into one of the ones

who didn't make it, you know?

I just feel bad.

It's not your fault.

- In the case of Susan,
it kind of is.

What do you mean?

- There was this
stand-up showcase in Reno,

and the finalists all got
to go to the nationals,

and if you won,
then you were booked

on all the college shows,
so it was a really huge deal.

And I knew that there was
only room for one woman,

if that, so...

I erased Susan's name
off the whiteboard

so she wouldn't know she'd
made it into the final round.

Whoa.

Yeah, I know, I know.

And right after that,
she retired.

And now she works
for commission

in the shoe department.

Eh, a little classist.

- She was really good,
you know?

I saw her as competition.

Why did I invite her
to the fair?

Last thing she's gonna wanna do
is watch me perform.

- Well, I mean,
if she's that upset by it,

she probably won't come, right?

You're right.

Of course she won't.

No, it'd be
too painful for her.

Fantastic! Okay.

Wait, is this the way out?

- No, I'm taking us
to Mrs. Fields.

I need a cookie...

cake.

Oh, Jesus.

Kayla, it's Saturday.

You gotta start using
that calendar I gave you.

- Oh, no, I know.
I heard you had to cancel

your trip to Cabo this weekend
'cause you had to work.

I thought I'd come here
in case you need anything.

Oh.

- Plus, I feel so bad
about your trip

that at lunchtime,

I'm gonna make you
a piña colada.

Bring a little island to you,

brother!

- Oof, okay.
Um, not an island.

Also...

be careful with the accent,
but...

that's actually very sweet.

Just do me a favor.

Could you make it virgin
since I'm working?

- Um, I don't think I can,
but I can try.

Okay, thank you.

Thanks for coming in.

My boss.

Gotta love him.

- With all the discarded food,

I would love to see
a composting bin somewhere.

- Ah, yes,
let's make sure that nacho dog

returns to Mother Earth.

Ugh. Susan actually came.

- Maybe you should
just apologize.

- No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.

I'll treat her and her family
to a day she'll never forget.

I mean, how much
could that cost, 47 bucks?

Okay, I gotta go find her.

Do you guys mind doing
the sound check without me?

- No.
- All right, thank you.

- Hey, uh, can you guys
handle sound check?

I found 14 bottles

of Black Pashmina
on the dark web.

- Scary.
- Be careful.

Perfect. Thanks.

The dark web?

- Think he means Facebook.

- Hello, hello.
- Deb!

- This is Keller. This is Mason.
- Hi.

- Boys, this is world-famous
comedian Deborah Vance.

Hi.

- Tell you what,
I got VIP passes

so you don't have
to wait in line.

- And 600 tickets.
- Thank you.

- Thank you.
That's too much.

No, it's the least I can do.

- Well, I am just so excited
to see you perform.

Thanks.

- Do you still have that joke
about the leper's penis?

No, no, no, no, no.

The set's a little different
these days.

No, I'm actually working
on some new stuff.

It's...more confessional.

- Huh, and you're
trying it out here?

- Actually,
state fairs are good for that.

I mean,
it's not just comedy fans.

It's everybody, you know?

People from the city,

suburban folk,
you know, all ages.

It's a good cross-section.

- Smart.
You always knew your audience.

- Well,
not that time in Portland.

Do you remember
the skinhead bar?

Oh, they did not like us.

Oh, my God.

We didn't know
they were angry skinheads.

I just thought they were bald

and angry
because they were bald.

Your grandma's funny,

- isn't she?
- Yeah.

- Okay, who's ready
to go have a great time?

- Yes!
- Me!

- You? Okay, let's go!
Here we go.

Stick together.

- Okay, so we have,
like, two hours to kill?

- Yeah, I'm gonna head
back to the bus, do some work.

- Really?
Come on.

It's a Saturday
and we're at a fair.

Don't you wanna, like,
go on a ride or something?

- I don't do rides.
- Please?

I was an only child,
so I never got to go on rides

at these things 'cause
my parents didn't want to

and I'd have to go by myself.

Come on a ride with me.

- Okay, these rides
are held together

by Gorilla Glue
and rubber bands

and manned by children on meth.

- Ugh, okay, fine, we--

we could bet on the time
the baby calf is born.

It says
there's a $1,000 cash prize.

Think of how many
skintight polos you could buy.

Okay, I don't gamble,

and you shouldn't joke
about clothes.

- Okay, do you want to look
at the butter sculptures?

- The butter sculptures?
- Okay, okay.

We could get
our caricatures drawn.

- You sitting still
and not talking.

- I'm in.
- Whoo!

- Okay.
- Yes.

Love the fair!

Fucker!

Everything all right?

Ya, mon!

"Ya, mon."

You do?

- Oh, shit.
Kayla, you're bleeding.

- Are you okay?
- I cut myself.

And, uh, I'm a little wheezy
from the blood.

But I want you
to have a good time.

- Okay, it's really bleeding,
like, a lot.

- For a second, I'm just gonna
have a little bit of...

- Okay. All right.
Just stay there.

I'm gonna get
the first aid kit.

- 'Cause I feel a little bit
like I'm gonna throw up.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

- Grandma, squirt guns!
- Can we?

- Let's go.
We've got four seats left.

- Okay, okay, we'll take 'em.
Just take 'em.

- Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- Come on down.

- 2, 4, 6, 8, 10, 12.
There you go.

This one's a little tricky.

You have to press really hard
on the trigger,

but not all the way.

- Don't worry.
I'm gonna let them win.

All right, guys.

Three, two, one.

Showtime!

Go!

- Look at 'em going.
Look at 'em growing.

Who's gonna win?

There's only one way
of knowing.

- Mine's going!
- No, mine's going!

- You're too fast.
I'm never gonna catch up.

- Watch and see.
Who's it gonna be?

Look, Grandma's winning.

Oh, how is this happening?

- Grandma,
she's getting closer!

Come on, come on!

It's not coming out.

I think there's something wrong
with my gun!

You're a lost cause!

Help me.

Shoot towards Grandma's hole!

- That's cheating.
There's no teams!

Come on.

Whoo!

Winner, winner,
winner, winner, winner!

- I'm gonna go
get some funnel cake.

Let's go, boys.

Um, this is for you.

- Thank you.
- Congratulations.

Look at you two.

Such a cute couple.
My goodness.

- You guys married?
- Not yet.

- What's the holdup there, bub?
- Her personality.

- Uff da.

So what are you--
what do you guys do

- for a living?
- I'm a writer.

- And I'm
the chief executive officer

for an entertainment
personality's

media and consumer products
empire.

Uh, okay.

Um...

so what do you guys do for fun?

Um...

Writing.

But isn't that your job?

Yeah.

- Okay--um, what about you?

- I own and manage
several rental properties.

Yeah, look, guys,

I'm kind of looking
for hobbies here, you know?

Something I could
actually draw.

So again,

what do you do for fun?

- The way I go
through ChapSticks,

it should be a hobby.

- I like to organize
my Pinterest.

- I'm just gonna
think of something.

- That's probably best.
- Yeah.

- We'll do that.
- Okay.

- Okay, this might sting.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- You think
I'm gonna need stitches?

- No, I think
you're gonna be just fine.

I feel so stupid.

I was just trying
to do something nice,

but I always
fuck everything up.

Maybe I should just quit

and go run Fox Searchlight
or whatever.

- You know what?
It's okay.

I fucked up so much
when I was an assistant.

- Really?
- Oh, my God, one time,

I was on Carl Dubin's desk,

and I sent two clients
on the exact same show

each other's W-2s.

So?

- So they found out how much
the other one was making.

One was making $150,000,

while the other was
making $200,000

for the same exact job.

That's, like, so little money.

It is more than you get paid.

- Yeah, but I just do this
for travel money.

- Mm-hmm.

- By the way,
next week, I need off

because I'm going
to the dentist again.

Hmm...

okay, my point is,
I messed up a lot too,

and it's all part of it.

- Yeah, it's okay to mess up.
- Exactly.

- 'Cause our dads founded
the company.

- Well, actually,
it's just the opposite for me.

You know, I feel like
everybody thinks

I have this job
because of my dad,

so it makes me want to work
extra hard

to prove I deserve to be here.

- Well, obviously
you deserve to be here,

but everyone thinks
that I'm, like, a big joke.

Hey, you're not a joke.

I mean, sometimes I think maybe
your outfits are intentionally

tongue in cheek or something,
but you're not a joke.

But I will say, sometimes,

it does feel like maybe
you don't want to be here.

But I really want to be here.

I want to be a manager
like you.

- Okay, great.
Well, you can.

- You just have to prove it.
- Okay.

- Maybe you could reschedule
your dentist for the weekend?

I'll try, but...

I already booked the ticket.

To the dentist...office.

Hmm. Okay.

Maybe we find you
a local dentist, yeah?

Okay.

You feeling better?

No.

Hmm.

Do you have Oxy?

No, I don't.

But we have Advil.

Doesn't work on me.

- Huh. Tylenol?
- Mm. Ick.

Okay, here.

So let me know
what you guys think.

- I got you, girl.
- This is beautiful work.

- Yeah, this is going
in our dining room.

- Aww, that's nice.
Thank you.

All right.

- Yeah.
- Have fun.

- Mm-hmm.

Well, we didn't really
give him much to work with.

Yeah.

I guess we're both
all about our jobs.

But at least you're a CEO
and, like, super successful.

- I guess.
- Uh, yeah.

Plus you own multiple homes

and you're in a relationship
with a 9.5.

- Actually,
Wilson and I broke up.

A while ago.

Oh.

That sucks. I'm really sorry.

- Mostly because I'm married
to my work, obviously.

And when I did try to have fun,
I almost killed a dog.

Like, for revenge?

- No, it was an accident.
- Ah.

Well, accidents happen.

I called Deborah
"Mommy" earlier.

- Oh.
- I don't even call my mom that.

- You know, Marcus,
you're really smart

and so attractive
and incredibly tall.

You're gonna find someone.

Thanks.

Can you maybe not tell anyone
about the breakup?

- Of course.
Spousal privilege.

Okay, I will do one ride.

Yes!

Slingshot, bitch.
Let's go!

Okay.

- Hi.
Um...

I-I wanted you to have this
hemorrhoid pillow they gave me.

Hemorrhoid pillow?

This is a plush donut.

But thank you.

- You can still use it
as a hemorrhoid pillow.

- Do you think
I have hemorrhoids?

- N-no!

God, no.

No, I just...

Susan, I--

I just--I'm sorry.

I got so carried away
back there.

- Oh, it's fine.
It's a silly game.

But you haven't changed a bit.

You are still
the most competitive person

I have ever met.

About that, I...

I owe you an apology.

I think that I'm the reason
that you quit doing stand-up.

- Oh, I wouldn't say
it was your fault.

No, it is.

When they posted
the advancing comics

at the showcase...

I erased your name.

You had made it
to the final round,

and I can't help but think
that if you had moved on,

you'd have just kept going.

- Wait, what?
- No, I know. I know.

There's no excuse. I'm sorry.

You really could have made it.

Deborah, hold on.

You think I quit comedy
because I didn't make it

to the next round
of a college showcase?

- Well, it was
a national college showcase.

No!

That was when your daughter

hit her head
and got a concussion.

- What?
- Yeah.

She was, like, ten,
and she snuck a bottle of vodka

from the bar, she hit her head
on a table in the green room.

She got a concussion.

Do you not remember this?

I remember I closed

with the one-legged
cheerleader joke

and it killed.

DJ concussion...

- no.

- Wait, wait, why would you
retire after that?

- Well, I'd just found out
that I was pregnant.

And, um...

then that happened and...

I saw the sacrifices
you were making

to have your daughter
on the road.

And I just had this vision
of the kind of person

I'd have to be
in order to make it, and...

You were completely devoted
to your work.

You had to be.
You were like a shark.

I mean, case in point,

you didn't even realize
it happened.

- Hell, I don't even
remember it now.

Well, the point is,

I couldn't do it.

Or I didn't want to.

But it's nice to know
I made it to the next round.

You were really funny.

I know.

You miss it?

Sometimes, when I see someone

like Leona Skaggsley
doing a guest spot

on "Grey's Anatomy," I think,

"Ooh, I could have been
funnier than that."

Yeah, well,

not the most comedic show.

- Well, sometimes they use
the guest actors for levity.

That's true.

I am...

so, so sorry
I erased your name.

- Hey, we both did
what we had to do.

And it worked out
for both of us, right?

Also, I told everyone

you blew one of the judges
to get on that showcase.

So I call it even.

You bitch!

- All right.
- Whoo-hoo!

Down.

- Here we go.
- Here we go.

Uh, I want--

- I want to get off.
- What?

- I want to get off.
We need to get off.

- You're the one
who wanted to do this.

- I don't.
I decided that I don't.

- I'm only doing this
for you, Ava.

- Excuse me. Uh, sir.
Does anyone--

- let me off!
- We're already strapped in.

Stop! Seriously!

- Stop! I have a bomb!
- This isn't a plane, Ava.

- Diarrhea!

- Stop the ride
or I'll make a big mess!

Oh, no! Oh, God!

No, no!

Hey, I'm headed out.

Mahalo, my king.

And I was thinking.

How would you like
to do coverage

on a couple scripts for me?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, I would love to. Yeah.

Thank you, Jimmy.

- Thank you.
I'll see you Monday?

- I'll see you Monday.

"What is coverage...script."

- Uh-huh, uh-huh.

You know what
I'm talking about.

Being a female comedian
is a lot of joke writing

and then men telling you
you're ugly

or that you should sleep
with them,

whereas women
in other professions don't

write as many jokes.

But I'm lucky to be in comedy

because I could never have been
a nurse,

I mean, my God, those shoes--

Bessie is calving.

The calf birth
is just moments away.

Check your tickets
and head to tent four

to see the new addition
and claim your prize.

Lord!

Honey, I think you should have
had a C-section.

Ouch.

You know the rule.
Hooves on the ground.

Oh, there she is!

Winning time is 4:36.

Please go
to the livestock stall

to check your tickets
and collect your winnings.

Check your watches, folks.

You know,
as I was saying before the...

future cheeseburger
interrupted...

Folks,
we've got another calf!

They're twins,
which means multiple winners.

- You know, I didn't know
I was gonna be competing

for stage time today.

Should've shown more cleavage.

Hey.

Whew.

State fair's
a tough crowd, huh?

- Yeah, well,
it's hard to share a time slot

- with the miracle of life.

Yeah, well,
not the first time

I've been upstaged
by a scene-stealing cow.

I worked with Chevy Chase
in the '90s.

- Thanks. Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Thanks for coming.
- Good to see you.

You too.

You hang in there.

Come on, boys.

Thanks.

- You actually look good
here, though.

- You want to beat us
at Celebrity?

No.

Thanks. I'm not in the mood.

We got you something.

- He was very kind to your hands.

I kept 'em in my pockets.

- Well, congratulations
to the happy couple.

- Thank you.
Thank you. Appreciate it.

- That would have happened
to anyone in your position.

No one can compete with a
20-foot cow vagina behind them.

That's the thing.

Nobody at my level
would be in that position.

Doing drop-ins and state fairs.

After all this stupid,
competitive shit.

For what?

Get bumped by a cow.

Fight for a residency
at Terrible's

an hour off the Strip.

- I thought you said
the MGM was interested.

Well, they're not.

I should have....

just retired
and gone out on top.

Who are you kidding?

You could never retire.

You're gonna be up
on that stage until you die.

At 109.

And I'm the same way.
I can't turn it off either.

And nothing matters more,

even if it should.

Well...

- shit.

You're right.

And I don't want to stop.

I like the work.

- You know, Deborah,
back in Vegas, you were on top.

But with all due respect...

I think that was just a hill.

And now you're climbing
a mountain.

A mountain? Ugh.

Sounds exhausting.

We can't even figure out
that stupid

business manager punch line.

Yeah.

Maybe it's, like,

something about...

filing taxes?

Filing taxes...

filing...

Filing nails, filing...

ah, God, no, no, no,
I can't do this.

I can't do this.
You know what?

Get your bathing suit.

- What?
- You need to learn to float.

- Come on.

- Come on.
- No.

- Nothing's gonna happen.
Come on.

- I don't like it.
- Oh, for Pete's sake.

- I'll hold you.
- Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna hold you up.

- Like--

I'm just gonna support you.

Lean back.

Lean back. Lift your chest.

Okay, what about this?

My business manager stole
over $3 million.

If I wanted a man to take
that much money from me,

- I would have married him.

Yeah, but--

no, we've got so much marriage
stuff right before this.

How about--

how about something about...

how much that would be today
with inflation?

- Well, how much would it be?
- I have no idea.

- My business manager stole
over $3 million.

You know how much that is
when you adjust for inflation?

Neither do I--it's why
I had a business manager.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, I like that.
I like that.

- I gotta write that down.
- Wait, no, no.

Don't leave me.

You got it.

This is my time to shine.