All language subtitles for Allo.Allo.1984.S02E01.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-Vialle

- Oh.

- Welcome to my cafe.

I am happy to tell you that
life here is back to normal.

The two English Airmen
who were hiding here

have been taken away by the
Resistance

and are being hidden in a
nearby nunnery.

The painting of the Fallen
Madonna with the big boobies

by Van Klomp, which I
was hiding in my cellar,

is now in the possession of
Herr Flick of the Gestapo.

I have been shot dead.

And, I am now posing
as my own twin brother.

Of course, nobody knows
this except my wife,

the servants, and my wife's
mother.

And, the German Commandant
and his assistant.

And his secretary and most
of the French Resistance,

but that is all.

Now, the banging that you can
hear is my demented widow,

who is in the back room
looking for my will.

Which leaves everything
that I possess to her.

I am not worried.

She can bang all day.

The will is safely hidden
in a secret compartment

behind the cuckoo clock,
where she will never find it.

- Good morning, Rene.

- Ah, good morning Lieutenant.

This is the man that shot me.

He fancies me like mad.

Perhaps it is the apron.

- Your cheeks are of very
good fresh color today.

And, you have an impish look in
your eye.

It has suddenly disappeared.

How about a drink?

- What a good idea.

Open this door.

Edith open the door.

- I have found it.

I have found it.

- Shut up!

- I have found the will
of my late husband.

- Well, there is no need to make
such a song and dance about it.

Give it to me, Edith

After all I am the Executor.

- It is not addressed to you.

- No, but it would go without
saying that Rene would want

his brother as an Executor.

- It has gone without saying.

Gather around everyone,

while I read to you the Last
Will and Testament of my dear,

departed husband, who
was shot by the Germans.

- Orders, you know.

- Listen, he leave
everything to me

"I, Rene Artois, being of sound
mind,"

- I would dispute that for a
start.

- "Do hereby leave all of
which I stand possessed to my

dear and faithful wife, who
has comforted me and filled me

with joy during the happy
days of my marriage."

- I wrote that on the honeymoon.

- What a beautiful phrase.

- Look, there is something
written on the back.

- Ah, no, no.

- "P.S. To Yvette,"

I can hardly read it.

It is as if his hand was
shaking.

"To Yvette, who has served
so devotedly under me,"

"I leave the collapsible
sofa in the parlor."

That sofa is not collapsible.

- It is, unless you put a book
under it.

- "P.P.S. To Maria, I leave
the small billiard table,"

"which has given us both so
many moments of pleasure."

I never saw you playing in
there.

- Always Rene would make me
shut the door

and put a chair under the knob.

- What were you doing
that you did not want

to be interrupted?

- Why ask me?

I am dead, remember?

- Anyway, he has done
the right thing by me.

Everything is now mine
to have and to hold,

to death do me part.

- He was good man.

There was something soft
and sensitive about him.

Also like you, he could be
a little distant at times.

- We are a cautious family.

- We will drink to his memory.

- Do not pour too much,
that is my best cognac.

- His best cognac, and
now it is my best cognac.

To his memories.

To Rene!

Oh.

It is over.

It is done.

- What are you up to now?

- I am going to buy myself a
new hat.

- Why do you want a new hat?

- You must remember,

I am a rich widow in the prime
of my life.

This evening Mama will
promenade me in the square.

Some handsome man will
gaze upon me in my new hat.

"Who is that?" he will ask.

"It is rich widow Artois," they
will reply.

"How young and slender she
looks,"

"I must pay my respects
to her," he will say.

And, maybe tomorrow morning
he will be at my door,

bearing a beautiful bouquet
of sweet smelling roses.

- Provided his guide
dog can find the house.

- Afternoon Gruber.

- Colonel.

- Is that your armored car
outside?

- Does it have a little dent in
the wing?

- It does.

- Then yes, it is mine.

- Then please move it.

You're in my parking place.

- And, the Colonel likes
to park under the tree,

otherwise his seat gets very
hot.

- My apologies, Colonel.

- Hans, why are you sitting
down?

- Because my legs are rather
tired.

- Hans, I am a colonel,
you are a captain.

You do not sit down before I
sit down.

You do not stand up before I
stand up.

A colonel does everything first.

- I, I'm sorry Colonel.

- Well then be more careful.

- Yeah.

- Getting very slack.

- Now, gentlemen.

What can I get you to drink?

- The Colonel will be ordering.

- Two cognacs.

Maria, two cognacs.

- On Captain Geering's account.

Rene, we have one of two
delicate matters to attend to.

- Ah, well Maria and Yvette
are at your disposal, Colonel.

But, could you book early
because Friday is a very
busy day.

- That is not what I want to
talk about.

- But make a note of it,
we'll come back to it later.

- Now, Rene, I am
Commandant to this town.

- Okay.

- I cannot continue to turn
a blind eye to your hiding

British Airmen in your cafe.

- But Colonel, you are turning
a blind eye because I was

hiding your stolen painting
of the Fallen Madonna with the

big boobies in my cellar.

- Not anymore.

That painting is now in
the hands of Herr Flick,

of the Gestapo.

- Together with two forgeries.

- So, you no longer have
a hold over me, Rene.

If I want to shoot you, I
only have to say the word.

- Fire.

- Do not worry, Colonel.

The British Airmen are gone for
good.

- Excellent.

Then, if you will tell me the
names

of the Resistance leaders,

I will see that you are
protected.

- Protected?

Against who?

- Me.

- But Colonel, I do not know
their names.

They are mostly girls,
they wear Mackintoshes

and little short white
socks and barrettes,

like any other French girls.

And, they only reveal
themselves at night.

- Like any other French girls.

- I wish I could get my hands
on them.

- We both do.

- If you do not cooperate,
Rene, I will have you shot.

- Oh Colonel, you wouldn't.

- He would, he did it before.

- Colonel, I do not wish
you to think badly of me,

you understand?

But, I did take the precaution
of writing a letter,

which tells how you helped the
Resistance

to blow up the railway line.

How you stole that painting
in the first place.

Now, the letter is signed
by the whole village,

and the moment I am arrested,

it is to be placed into
the hands of Herr Flick

of the Gestapo.

- Herr Flick of the Gestapo.

You wouldn't.

- He would.

- I think it is
checkmate Herr Colonel.

- Rene, you are smarter than I
thought.

- Thank you, Colonel.

Now, if I may suggest we just
wipe the slate clean, eh?

Now, you have no painting,
I have no airman.

But, on the other hand
I do have the girls.

- Which leads up back to point
one.

- Shall we say, nine o'clock?

- Agreed.

Wait, with the wet celery
and the flying.

- And, a great big steaming
plate of spaghetti bolognese

and three feet of elastic.

- Hans, just between the two
of us,

what exactly have you got in
mind?

- Well, I thought I'd have a
quick snack

while Maria repairs my
long winter underwear.

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- You sent for me, Herr Flick?

- You are late.

Go into the inner chamber.

Stop.

Take out your handkerchief.

Wipe your lips.

Replace the handkerchief.

Turn around.

You may kiss me.

Six out of 10.

I knocked off four for the
garlic.

- May I sit down?

- No, remain standing.

I have a problem.

- Dare I ask what it is?

- Yes.

I have three Fallen Madonnas
with six big boobies.

- What is the problem?

- Only one of them is real?

- Only one big bobby?

- One painting.

One is a forgery commissioned
by myself.

One arrived mysteriously
at my headquarters.

One is genuine.

I had them all holed up
in my high Gestapo boots,

a peasant tidied the room
and mixed them all up.

Now, I do not know which is
which.

- Why do you not send for
the man who forged them?

He will be able to identify the
real one.

- That is a very good idea.

Unfortunately, he is not
available.

- Why not?

- He fell out of a Gestapo
car, over a bridge,

onto a railway line, and was
run over by the Berlin Express.

It was an accident.

- Of course, Herr Flick.

- The real painting I wish to
retain to sell after the war,

to provide for us when we are
married.

- Herr Flick, I think I should
tell you I have a friend

in the Army, with whom I
have been corresponding in an

earnest and meaningful manner.

- Give me his name, rank and
number,

and he will not be a problem.

- On second thoughts, he
does not have your forceful,

commanding, dominating
and ruthless personality,

which draws me to you like
a bee to a pot of jam.

- I will put the kettle on.

You will find for me a man
with knowledge of painting,

who will be decide beyond all
doubt,

which is the real Van Klomp.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- Maria, you should not do that

unless I am here to hold you.

You could so easily fall.

I already have.

- Rene, I must talk to you.

- I am listening with one ear.

- We may be observed.

We must meet in private.

Let us rendezvous in the broom
cupboard under the stairs.

- You are making the
curl come out of my hair.

- Oh, Rene.

- Yes, alright I agree.

Yes, in 10 minutes.

- Go now, your wife is coming
downstairs.

- Well, what do you think?

- Why are you wearing on
your head, a dead hen?

And, why are you taking more
money?

- I have to buy refreshments
for Mama

and Monsieur le Clare.

And, who knows, maybe my suitor.

- If you go on like this, you
will soon be a poor widow.

- Madam, I have placed the
best chair of your mother

outside the cafe door.

- Why are you all dressed
up like the dinner of a dog?

- I, Leclerc, am to be the
pusher.

- It's going to be like
a circus out there.

We're going to be the laughing
stock of the whole village.

- Fanny, my love, are you ready?

Come along.

- Will nobody come to my
assistance?

- There, one more.

- The teeth have dropped out of
my fox.

- If you want to look really
smart,

you could give it you spare set.

- Oh, Fanny, how the
years have fallen away.

- How everything has fallen
away.

Roger, dear Roger.

- I remember how dapper
and jaunty you were.

- Ah, yes, I remember.

- What a pity you are so
decrepit now.

- Ah, yes.

But I can still twirl my cane.

- A lot of good that is going
to do us.

- Mama, you have not mentioned
my new hat.

- It looks like a dead hen.

- Ready?

Rich widow, get your rich widow
here.

Rich widow.

- Monsieur Leclerc.

Eh?

- I think we should be a
little more subtle than that.

- Fairly rich widow.

Get your fairly rich widow,
here.

- Maria.

- Rene.

Shut the door.

Rene, my love.

Rene, why are you so formal
strong?

- I am impaled upon the
angle of the hoover.

- Rene.

- Oh, that is better.

What?

- Now that you're no
longer married to Edith,

will you make good your promise
to me?

- Well it is not going to be
easy in the broom cupboard.

- Your promise to marry me.

- Oh, oh that promise.

Well, it is a little bit
difficult.

You see, I have left
all my money to my wife.

- I can get money for us.

Men pay me for my favors.

- Oh but Maria, you know I hate
queuing.

No my dear, you must be patient
for a little while longer.

- Rene.

- Eh?

- Promise me that no other
girl will take my place.

- With such deep stairs, how
could they?

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Oh, Yvette, what are you doing?

- Somebody has removed the book

from under the sofa in the
parlor.

- What?

Oh, Frank Harris.

Yes, just about the right size.

- Rene, now that you are free,

when are we going to
announce our engagement?

- Oh, dear, sweet Yvette,
we must not be too hasty.

I have to find a way of getting
my hands back on my money.

- You could poison your wife.

- With her cooking, she has
become immune.

No, we will have to find
another way.

Meanwhile, we have to lie low.

- Ah, oh the sofa?

- Not as low as that.

- Oh, Rene.

- Eh?

- Promise me that nothing
will ever come between us.

- I am doing my best.

- Oh, Rene.

- Oh, Yvette.

- Can you feel my little
heart pounding and pounding?

- I can't hear it.

- Rene?

Is the coast clear?

- We are 50 miles from the
coast, how would I know?

- Something very important
has just come up.

- How long have you been out
there?

- The two airman have left the
nunnery.

- Good.

Now, perhaps Yvette and I can
continue

to discuss the menu for tonight.

- They left because the Germans
came to search for them.

They are on the run.

- Well that is your problem,
not mine.

I don't care if I never see
their stupid faces ever again.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- It is the Airmen.

- I would never have known.

- No, no.

Look, do not let them
come in here.

You speak their language,
tell them to go away.

Go.

- Now listen, chaps.

Rene's been awfully
decent putting you up here,

but you have outstayed your
welcome.

- We, we, we can't walk
around as nuns all day.

- The Germans keep
coming to try chat us up.

- Didn't they suspect
the moustache?

- You think mine's big,

you should see the Mother
Superior's.

- We're not going back to the
nunnery.

- Fairfax mucked up his
needlework and we had
to spend hours

scrubbing the steps.

Look.

- Why's he showing you his
knees.

- He was a scrubber at the
nunnery.

- No wonder they threw him out.

Well tell them to go away.

- Listen to me, Rene.

You are a vital link in the
escape route for British Airman.

This is a safe house.

- Not for me it isn't.

- Let us come to the crunch.

- The crunch?

- The nitty gritty.

Are you a collaborator or
are you with the Resistance?

- Is that thing loaded?

- I am desperate.

I have one up the spout.

- That would make you
desperate, yes.

- Well?

- Look, I am on your side,
Michelle.

At the same time I have a
business to run.

Now, I cannot go around
being rude to the Germans.

Not in front of their faces
anyway.

I will put out my tongue
at them from time to time,

when their backs are turned.

Or put a little extra salt in
their soup.

But, we must be reasonable.

- It is the Colonel and the
Captain.

The Colonel is backing under
the tree.

- Oh no.

- I think they are coming in
here.

- Oh my God, he must not see
them.

Get them out of there.

Through the window, quick.

- No, they can't go that way.

There was a driver with a gun.

- Oh.

Quick, through here.

- Rene, the Colonel and
Captain are approaching.

- Well keep them busy while
I think of a good reason

why I've got two nuns in my
back room.

- The Organ Fund.

- The Organ Fund, with my
reputation?

Go, go, keep them busy.

- Greetings, Colonel.

Is there a refreshment that
you'd like?

That is not on a high shelf.

- No thank you, Maria.

We have business with Rene.

Is he in the back room?

- No.

- Good, we wish to be private.

We will wait in there.

I will find him.

- Oh my God.

Quick, get them down there.

Take these.

Yvette, take these.

Stand back.

- Wouldn't you rather wait in
my room?

- Stand aside.

♪ Ave Maria.

- Am I interrupting something?

- Shh.

- Rene's having a special
service

for his late departed brother.

- He's not dead.

- The Church don't know that.

They were going to have a
big on in the cathedral,

but this worked out cheaper.

- His lips are muttering in
silent prayer.

It is very moving.

- In that case, take your hat
off.

- Who is Frank Harris?

- He was a prophet.

- Hans, give it to him.

I'd no idea they played
leap frog in Heaven.

Amen.

- Is there something I
can do for you, Colonel?

- Helga, my secretary, has
been instructed to take

Lieutenant Gruber to
Gestapo headquarters.

Does he know anything?

- Oh, I do not think so,
Colonel.

No.

- Rene has always been very
careful not to drop anything

in front of him.

- Would you excuse us, Colonel?

We are just going into the
finale.

♪ Ave Maria.

- I think we should go.

- I find the presence
of nuns very uplifting.

- We must definitely go.

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- I have done precisely as
you instructed, Herr Flick.

I searched the records and
discovered that

Lieutenant Gruber was, for a
short while in civilian life,

an assistant in an art gallery
in Cologne.

- Was that before or after
he was window dresser?

- After.

- Let us hope he can solve my
problem.

I will interview him.

- Bring him in here.

- Heil Hitler!

- Do I have any further
instructions for the soldier?

- None.

- Go away.

- I must apologize for the
manner in which

you were brought to my
headquarters.

- That is quite all right.

Actually, I, I
rather enjoyed it.

That soldier who brought me
here, has very broad shoulders.

- I've made inquiries into
your background and interests.

You have, shall we say,
artistic leanings?

- If you say so.

- I'm going to put you to the
test.

Have you any immediate
reactions to these?

- Nothing worth reporting.

- Try harder.

- Are they of Helga?

- They are most
definitely not Helga.

- Perhaps you'd like
to take a closer look.

- Do I have to?

- Maybe this will help you.

- I would have thought
it hardly necessary.

- One is genuine, two are
forgeries.

Which is which?

- Ah.

This is an early Van Klomp.

- How do you know?

- When he was taller, he signed
his paintings further up.

Ah.

- You have a clue?

- Yes, this is the genuine
painting.

- Are you sure?

- This is definitely the
brush work of the master.

When he got to this
little bit here,

he always finished off with
a little circle and a dot.

- Excellent.

Now, you understand that
it is most important

that you tell no one what you
have seen.

- You have my word, Herr Flick.

- This is not enough.

Sit in that chair.

- What are you going to do?

- The Gestapo has ways
of ensuring silence.

Helga, he is ready.

You know what to do.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- Watch the birdie.

Good.

That is enough, Helga.

That is enough, Helga.

You know, of course, what
would happen if I send

this picture to your Commanding
Officer?

- I don't think he would
ever speak to me again.

- Have the Colonel and the
Captain gone?

- Of course they have,
they left over an hour ago.

- Then why did you not tell me?

I have been hiding behind the
curtains holding my breath.

Where are the Airmen?

- Don't worry, we
have hidden them.

- We have put them in
a secret place.

- Someone is coming.

- I will recede down
the back passage.

- Go away, we are not open.

I know that,
I own the damn place.

Now, come in side
and stop making

an exhibition of yourselves.

Oh, what an afternoon.

- Oh my dear, beautiful
little Edith.

I am so proud of her.

They were around her like flies.

- I expect her hat had gone off.

Now, quick, we are late opening.

Yvette, Maria, take this
silly old bat upstairs

and put her to bed.

- No, no.

- You, Leclerc, take off
your hat, put on your apron,

wash those dirty glasses
behind the bar.

- I had no idea it was so late.

Oh, what a day I have had.

So many compliments.

So many raised hats.

- Probably their hair was
standing on end.

- See, see.

Many of them gave
me their cards.

- Servietts and
Catering Supplies.

The Hat Shop.

Dynarod.

- Tonight, I will sing as
I have never sang before.

- What, in tune?

- Monsieur Leclerc.

Madam.

- Play for me a few cords
while I practice my scales.

- Edith, we have no time for
scales.

Already we are full of
customers.

Good evening, gentlemen.

- Monsieur le Clare,
a cord in C.

- Madam, the piano is up the
creek.

We can't.

- It did this last week.

Rene.

- Eh?

- The piano has
gone wrong again.

Fix it while I serve
the customers a drink.

- Oh, it is the mice.

They seek refuge in
there when you sing.

Sometimes they get trapped.

Ah, Colonel.

Captain.

How nice that you should come
into my cafe

at this precise moment.

Edith, give the Colonel one,
will you?

- Rene, I have not practiced
my scales.

- There is no time for scales,
Edith.

- Very well, I will go
straight into my song.

- No, Edith you must not sing.

- But, Rene.

- You must not.

- We have new customers.

Do you have any requests
gentlemen?

- No, no.

- Sing us Lily Marlene, yeah?

- Oh, Monsieur Leclerc.

No, no, no, no no.

- Lily Marlene.

Thank you.

- Lily Marlene.

Okay.

One, two, three, four.

The inky, binky.

- The Cheeseboard Colonel.

- ♪'Twas there that you
whispered tenderly

- ♪ that you loved me, that
you'd always be,

my Lily of the Lamplight ♪