All language subtitles for Allo.Allo.1984.S01E03.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-Vialle

♪ We loved we parted as fate
had arranged

♪ Now where you stand
and nothing has changed

- Yvette, large cognac.

- I have it for you here, Rene.

- Thank you.

♪ You are my love my only love
once more

- In me, you see a man who has
problems.

At that table over there
are two German officers

dressed as onion sellers
because I give their uniforms

to some British airmen
to help them to escape.

However, the British
airmen burned the uniforms.

Don't ask me why and they
are now hiding upstairs

in the wardrobe of my wife's
mother

who is in bed in the attic.

Playing the piano is Monsieur
Leclerc,

jailbird and forger who, in his
youth,

was the lover, God help
him, of my wife's mother

and who, for all I know, might
well be my wife's father.

Herr Flick, the Gestapo
officer, is also dressed

as an onion seller in order
to trace the missing painting

by Van Klomp of the Fallen
Madonna with the Big Boobies

which I just happen to
have upon my person.

But even worse than all
this, my wife Edith.

♪ Fate had arranged

- Who you will have noticed
cannot carry a tune in a bucket

is about to sing another chorus.

The German lieutenant at
that table there fancies me

and these two rings on my
fingers
contain two suicide pills.

But I could go on forever.

- Rene, come into the back room
quickly.

- My little chicken,
Maria, I have not time

for that sort of thing now.

The restaurant is full.

Meet me tonight at 11
o'clock in the cold room

by the icebox.

- No, Rene, Michelle wants
you in the back room.

Michelle from the Resistance.

- Shh, do not mention that word
in here.

Oh, that Michelle will get me
shot.

Look after the bar.

- Can we still meet at 11
o'clock?

- Of course.

- Can we meet somewhere else?

Waiting for you by the
icebox, it's so unromantic.

- You don't have to sit on it.

All right then, meet
me in the cold cellar.

- But I get so dirty in there.

- Yes, I know.

Michelle?

Michelle, oh.

- I'm here.

- Why can't you wait in the
room like an ordinary person.

- Because I'm not an ordinary
person.

But if I'd been discovered by
the Germans

I have to move with
great cunning and secrecy

otherwise I will be shot.

- I understand.

I have the same trouble with my
wife.

- Now listen very carefully,
I shall say this only once.

You are to take this container.

- I see and what does
this container contain?

- Balls.

- Michelle, up until now our
relationship

has been on a very civilized
and friendly basis.

If I have ever said
anything to offend you...

- Bols gin.

This type of gin is
colored a very pale blue.

- I run a bar.

I do know that.

- Nitroglycerin is also
colored a very pale blue.

- Oh, I didn't know that.

But what is the connection?

- This is nitroglycerin.

Be very gentle with it.

Do not drop it.

Do not let anyone see it.

Add it in your cellar.

At 11 o'clock there is
going to be a big bang.

- But that was not definite.

It was only a loose arrangement.

- What are you talking about?

- I am asking you to add
this bottle in your cellar.

It is to blow up the railway
line.

- But the railway line does
not run over my cellar.

My restaurant runs over my
cellar.

- I know that.

I will be back to collect it
quite soon.

- Well, in that case, why
don't you just keep it?

- Because if the Germans
find it they will shoot me.

- But if they find it
here, won't they shoot me?

- You have a cafe.

You have a bar.

Why should you not have
a bottle of Bols gin?

- If I could think of a
reason I would give you one.

♪ So we would go

♪ The same refrain

♪ The final encore

♪ You are my love

♪ My only love

♪ Once more

♪ You are my love

♪ My only love

♪ Once more

Well thank you for your kind
applause.

Now, are there any requests?

- Two beers and some more
cheese.

- Ah, what would you like
lieutenant?

- Well, I have a fancy for
something a little different.

What do you suggest?

- Maybe a small port and lemon.

- That would do very nicely.

Where is Monsieur Rene?

I have been trying to
catch his eye all night,

but I think he is avoiding me.

- He has a lot on his mind at
the moment,

but I'm sure he's not trying to
avoid you.

He's too busy trying to avoid
his wife.

- Oh, that is very interesting.

Monsieur Rene.

- Ah, lieutenant, have you got
a drink?

- I was asking for something
a little different.

What is that you have there?

- It's just a very exotic gin.

- Ah, it is new to me.

What is it?

- Bols.

- Monsieur Rene, so far our
relationship

has been on a civilized
and friendly basis,

but here, anyway...

- No, no, no, no, B-O-L-S, Bols.

- Oh, so sorry.

It is most intriguing.

I will try some.

- Oh no, no, I cannot open
the bottle just for one gin.

- Well, make it two Bols.

You have one also.

- No, even for two I cannot
open it.

- Well, perhaps she
would like one as well.

- Yes, I would love one.

- You do not drink on duty.

- Since when?

- Since now.

- Perhaps you would like
to give your wife one.

- Out of the question.

- Well, I will buy the whole
bottle.

- It's not for sale.

- Are you trying to get rid of
me?

- Not deliberately, no.

- Edith, Rene, Maria, Yvette,

will nobody answer me.

- I say, would you mind
making a little less noise?

- We're trying to get some
sleep in here.

- Men in my wardrobe.

- What's she saying?

- I have no idea.

French is all Greek to me.

- I hope she's not calling
for more onion soup.

- If she is, we'll have
to stuff more chewing gum

in the keyhole.

- Mama, it is I, your daughter,
Edith.
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- Mama, it is I, your daughter,
Edith.

I brought you your onion soup.

- Oh my God!

- Oh why is it always onion
soup?

- Because we are helping
British airmen to escape

disguised as onion sellers and
we cannot waste the onions.

- Could you not disguise
the airmen as butchers

then I could have a good steak.

- Don't be difficult, mama.

- I am an invalid.

Invalids have poached eggs.

Why cannot I have poached eggs?

- Because the hens they are not
laying.

- In my day we mixed the corn
with gin.

That is always making them lay.

Also, it would do me good.

- Rene has a new bottle.

I will bring you some.

- What's the time, Hans?

It's no good.

My eyes are running so much
from these damned onions.

I can't see.

- Neither can I.

- One whole day we've
been away from the office.

What will they say in Berlin

if they find out we're not
there?

- I think they will be very
cross.

- That fool of a sentry
did not recognize me

when I tried to get in.

- But you had no papers.

- He hit me with his rifle butt.

- A disgraceful way to
treat an old peasant.

- There's Helga.

She may have some news.

Here, sit down.

- Colonel, I have bad news.

I have been to the cleaners
for your spare uniforms

and they are not ready.

- You fool girl, you should've
brought them as they were.

- Yes, you should have brought
them as they were, fool girl.

- They have been sent away.

They have gone to Paris.

You ordered deluxe service.

- I did not order deluxe
service.

Who ordered deluxe service?

- I did.

- You and your creases.

You try to be smart down here.

You should be smart up here.

- I sent my hat also.

- I have more news.

- Is it good or bad?

- Hans, I am your superior
officer.

I ask the questions.

- In these clothes we are equal.

- On the contrary, my onions
are bigger than your onions.

And I have two rows.

- Lucky you.

- Tomorrow morning at 10 o'clock
General Von Klinkerhoffen

is coming to inspect.

- Von Klinkerhoffen.

- Not the Von Klinkerhoffen.

- Yes, you fool.

How many Von Klinkerhoffens
do you think there are?

- Telegram in your office
says you are to meet him

at the station.

- This is disaster.

Can you imagine the stink in
Berlin.

Von Klinkerhoffen met
by two onion sellers.

- Hitler will do his nut.

- What are we going to do?

- We could borrow a revolver.

- To shoot ourselves.

I suppose that's the
honorable thing to do.

After all, we are officers and
soldiers.

- I, I, I, just thought we
could shoot our little toes off.

And then we could go to hospital
where they wear pajamas.

No.

- Perhaps Rene has news.

- Oh Rene.

- Yes, Herr Onion Seller, one
moment.

- Monsieur Leclerc.

- Madame.

- Take this gin to my mother.

- Ah gin.

I have forgotten how it smells.

So long have I been in the nick.

- Maria, take this and
mix it with the corn

for the chickens.

It will help them to lay.

- Yes, colonial.

- Rene, sit down.

- Oh, thank you, colonel.

- Now, listen Rene.

I will come straight to the
point.

If you do not get these
uniforms by tonight

you will be shot.

- You don't beat about
the bush, do you, colonel?

- I do not.

- Why don't you try it some
time.

It's better for the nerves.

Especially my nerves.

- Well, do we get them or not?

- Colonel, they are coming from
London.

- London?

- Helga, the less you know the
better.

- Put some cheese in your ears.

- I'm afraid there was
a slight delay, Colonel.

The tailor had to go to a bar
mitzvah.

- A Jewish tailor?

Oy vey.

Whatever that means.

- I was meant to,

to someone who will make
contact.

They will try to get them
delivered to us tonight.

- Your life depends on it.

- So do our little toes.

- Come on little chickens.

Come on.

It's dinner time.

- It is time.

I am singing again.

I need something to steady my
nerves.

You know singing to a crowded
room

takes a special kind of courage.

- It's lucky you are so brave.

- What are you doing with that
bottle?

- Just going to wet my whistle.

- You fool, this could blow
your whistle

through the top of your head.

- What are you saying?

- I am saying it is to blow up
a train.

I am saying it is nitroglycerin.

- Hello.

- I have given some to my
mother and the chickens.

- Oh no, this is disaster.

Those are the only chickens we
have.

- What about my mother?

- That drink, oh, it make
your mama very frisky.

- What happened?

- She got out of bed, went
to pick up her slippers

and blew the door off the
wardrobe.

- Quick, the chickens.

- Oh, what's the matter?

- Stop throwing this corn so
hard.

- It's all gone.

- Where?

- Inside the chickens.

- What, well where are the
chickens?

- Where they always go to lay
the eggs.

Behind the hedge.

- Well, that was only five.

Where is the other?

- The cockerel chased
her into the hen house.

- Hmm, some bang.

- You are looking at a walking
legend.

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♪ How would you like to be

♪ By the Seine with me

- I think Carstairs, the old
girl

is a bit of a girl, isn't she?

- Let's hope that they don't
give away anything else.

Between the army and soup and
that drink,

she's more dangerous than
the Flakturm of Berlin.

- Mama, mama, are you alright?

- I'm in the middle of my
performance.

Shut up.

All together now, please.

♪ Would you like to be

♪ Down by the Seine with me

- My God, Carstairs,
this is a terrible war.

- Shut up, both of you.

Shut up!

- Oh, listen to her.

For once she's happy.

You know it is from her I get
my talent.

- It has traveled very badly.

Now listen, I have to lift
the bed to get to the radio

to talk to London.

♪ Make your dreams come true.

- Shut up, you old bat!

Lift the bed.

- Oh, I think they want the
wireless.

- 'Allo, 'allo, this is
Nighthawk, can you here me?

Over.

- Of course I can hear you.

- Not you, shut up.

Hello Nighthawk, hello
Nighthawk.

This is London.

Listen carefully.

I shall say this only once.

- Here, take this to table
three.

Oh, here comes trouble.

It's Herr Flick of the Gestapo.

- Gestapo.

- For God sake, act normally.

- Oh, I am acting normally.

Always I'm like this with the
Gestapo.

- Welcome Herr Flick.

May I find you a table?

- I know where I want to sit.

- Of course Herr Flick.

- Why is it that when I'm in
the room

that everyone stops talking?

- It is in case you wish to
say anything, Herr Flick.

- I do.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

- Well, you can't follow that.

- Have you found out anything
about the missing painting?

- No, Herr Flick.

- Not a smell of it.

- It is possible the peasants
have penetrated your disguise.

You must change back into your
uniforms.

- At once, Herr Flick.

- Well, very near.

- You have heard of the arrival

of General Von Klinkerhoffen?

Yes, Herr Flick.

- You will meet him
tomorrow at the station.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- He will be inspecting our
defenses

and all the main buildings.

- Does that include the
hospital?

- Why do you ask?

- Well, in case we have an
accident.

- We wouldn't want to
miss him, Herr Flick.

- He is a ruthless man.

The slightest sign of
inefficiency
and you will be posted.

- To the Russian front?

- If you are lucky.

- I will go and tidy the office

and ensure everything is in
order.

- No, you will report
to my room in one hour.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

May I ask why?

- There are perhaps certain
things

you have not revealed to me.

- How could I hide anything

from those stern penetrating
eyes?

- We shall see.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

- Do not be late.

- No, Herr Flick, what if I am
early?

- Do not be early either.

Be punctual.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

- Monsieur Leclerc, clean up
that mess.

I have good news, Colonel.

- The uniforms.

- Yes, they are on their way

and we are going to send
back the painting to London

to be copied.

- I told her they were
coming by parachute.

- No, no, tonight a plane
will land somewhere in France.

- What's the use of somewhere
in France?

We want it here.

- Well, this is somewhere in
France,

but if I told you too much
the Resistance would shoot me.

- We will meet the plane with
you.

- Oh no, no, no dear colonel.

I don't think the
Resistance would like that.

- How would you like your cafe
blown up

and you and your wife put up
against the wall and shot.

- You would not do that.

- No, but Herr Flick would.

- We might be with you.

- I'll see what can be done.

- Excuse me, colonel.

- You're not going to sing
again.

- I have a message for Rene.

A man has arrived to read the
gas meter.

- Edith, we have no meter
because we have no gas.

Why do you not stop
wasting my time, woman?

Why do you not just say what
you mean?

- The girl Michelle is
here from the Resistance.

- Ah, a clue at last.

I always knew you were
helping the Resistance.

We will arrest this girl.

We will make her talk
and we will be heroes.

- With medals.

- Without uniforms to pin them
on.

Colonel, that girl is
the only person who knows

where the plane will land.

- I see we're in it up to here.

- That makes it well over my
head.

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Rene.

- Rene.

Come.

- It's all clear, Rene.

- What's the matter?

Are you frightened?

- Well of course I'm frightened.

The countryside is full of
hidden dangers.

I've just trodden in one.

Signal for the others.

Can't you do an owl or
something similar?

- It's the only song I know.

- Where did you learn
to whistle like that?

- When she was working in Paris.

She had to do something
to attract attention.

- Rene, you did not tell
us we would be helping

two British officers to escape
as well.

- We're not supposed to do this.

- They will go back on the
plane that brings your uniforms

and we can all live happily
ever after.

- Fairfax, what's going on?

- I have no idea,

but anything's better
than that damn wardrobe.

- Don't move.

- Oh Michelle, why are
you wearing sunglasses?

- So these Germans don't
recognize me again.

Listen very carefully.

We have a problem.

Up the road is a bridge.

On the bridge is a German
sentry.

- What?

- There is only one thing to do.

- Go home.

- No, these German officers
must give the sentry

orders to let us pass.

- But we are dressed as onion
sellers.

- You must convince them,

otherwise you do not get your
uniforms.

- Hans, hold my onions.

Halt or I'll fire.

- I am Colonel Von
Strohm, town comandante.

Stand to attention while I
speak to you.

Why are you
dressed as a smelly peasant?

- Mind your own business.

Where are your papers?

- She has killed him.

- No, he's just unconscious.

- Rene, we are German officers.

We cannot be a party to
knocking out our own troops.

- But Colonel, he was the one
who hit you

with his rifle butt.

So he did.

Thug.

That is the plane?

It will land in the next field.

This way.

- Here it is.

I'll give the signal.

- Have you given the signal?

- He's coming in now.

Stand by!

- Come on, don't waste time.

- Hello, is this the right
place?

- An Englishman, thank God.

- Where are the uniforms?

- I will ask him.

I say, old chap, do you have
the uniforms?

- Better than that, I brought
the tailor.

- Good evening, everyone.

My name is Clive from Solomon
and Clive.

I have the custom suits right
here.

Perhaps the colonel would
like to try his jacket first?

- I say, Carstairs, this
kite's only got two seats.

- I expect the tailor's staying
behind

and we can sit on each
other's lap on his seat.

- Black tie on top.

- Oh dear, sir has put on
a bit weight, hasn't he?

Where do you wear your holster,

on the right or on the left?

- These shoulders are very wide.

- Yes, the shoulders seem
awfully wide.

- Don't worry, they're coming
back.

- You should've kept your mouth
shut.

- What on earth are you doing?

- Don't worry, it's only a
fitting.

Now what time can sir manage
next week?

- Why don't we go back and you
stay behind

and finish the suits?

- Are you mad?

It's Ascot week.

The workroom's chock a block.

- Right, off we go then, chaps.

- Quick, give him the painting.

- Don't forget, we want a copy
of this.

- Righto.

Bon chance.

- Well, it looks to me
that we have to meet

General Von Klinkerhoffen in
our pajamas.