Original subtitles

- [Michael] No, no, no, no, no, no.

Michael, Michael!

- I do not want to talk about it.

Unbelievable.

That, okay.

What happened, Michael?

- Oh, wouldn't you like to know what happened

in the bathroom by myself, pervy?

Suffice to say, I finished my business.

I was just checking to make sure everything was fine.

And my cell phone fell out and on,

not in, but like on the rim.

- And then- - It fell in.

- It's not, just let me tell the story, okay, Jim?

I knocked it with my knee and then it fell in.

And then I leaned over and looked

and my glue tooth fell out of my ear and that fell in.

Bluetooth.

And then I got flustered

and everything started falling in.

My wallet fell in, my tip calculator, my candy corn,

my white strips, all fell in to the toilet.

And your keys fell in?

- I threw the keys in out of anger.

- Right. - This cannot happen again.

- That's what you said last time.

I know I did.

(Phyllis laughs) Phyllis, this is not funny.

This is not funny.

Well, technically it is toilet humor,

which you claim to enjoy.

It is not toilet humor.

It is toilet tragedy.

(door slams)

Hey, hey, you know what?

This is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I don't doubt it.

- Ladies and gentlemen, a while ago you witnessed a tragedy

that befell me in the bathroom.

But as the adage goes,

out of great tragedy is the mother of invention.

So without further ado,

I would like to present to you

something that I believe will change the way

that we all do business, so to speak.

Behold, the mesh toilet guard,

handy, portable, self -cleaning.

This little baby goes where you go.

Who wants to give it a test spin?

Phyllis?

Stanley?

Kev, you wanna?

Who wants to take it on its maiden voyage?

Anyone?

Come on.

(Door slams)

Here's an idea.

Add a handle to that puppy,

and you got yourself a tennis racket.

(upbeat theme music)

Hey. Ready?

Come on, show me excited.

Yes.

Yeah, I'm pretty excited too.

Today I'm headed over to the job fair

at Valley View High School to find some new interns.

Wanna get some fresh blood,

youthanize this place.

(door knocks) Yep?

- All right, we're on our way out.

All right, knock 'em dead.

And don't worry about Ryan.

Just get the sale.

He won't be able to say anything.

Ryan put me on probation.

You remember Ryan. He was the temp here.

Yeah, and it is not a good time for me to lose my job

since I have some pretty big long-term plans,

in my personal life with Pam

that I'd like her parents to be psyched about

and not embarrassed by.

So I am about to do something very bold

in this job that I've never done before.

Try.

Hello, white people.

Hello, black fella.

- Good luck. - All right, thanks.

- Hey, we doing this thing? - Yeah.

- Oh my God, Darryl, you look like Barack Obama.

Everybody, I'm dating Barack Obama.

- Why are you dressed like that?

Like what?

- Like you're applying for a loan.

- Maybe he's going to church. Or court.

Figured I'd look presentable.

Ah.

- You went a different way. - I think you look nice.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Okay, here's what we're going to do.

I am going to instruct the kids about management and sales.

Oscar will be in charge of accounting.

Pam will be eye candy.

No, and also because that is your alma mater.

Darryl will hire some kids to the warehouse.

We don't have to worry about internships with them

because they definitely ain't goin' to college.

- What college did you go to, Mike?

Let's go. (claps hands)

- Tuna, can I get a little help please?

Danke schön.

Hit about 1200 balls last night

in preparation for today.

So hands are a little tender. (laughs)

It's actually not funny at all. It's incredibly painful.

- Whoa, Mr. McGuire. It's been a couple of years.

- Hey Jim, how are ya? Nice to see you, man.

Oh, no!

No, no, no, no.

My grandfather would be spinning in his urn

if he knew that I was out here with a Dartmouth boy.

You take that shirt off right now

or I will take it off for you, sir.

I am totally and completely kidding!

(laughing)

Andy Bernard. Cornell, '95.

Phil McGuire, Dartmouth, '74.

- Got some blisties. - Yeah, you do.

- Hey, I'm Kevin, are we gonna play or what?

Yeah, absolutely.

Let's make it interesting. Say, 10 bucks a hole.

- Great. - What are we talking?

Skins. Acey deucy?

Bingo bango bongo?

Sandies, barkies, arnies, wolf, what?

There is no golf if there's no money involved,

and I'm gonna take this petty cash that I got from Oscar

and turn it into next month's rent.

Let's start with skins.

Let's start with skins.

By cart, me and Andy, you and Jim.

Let's do it.

- If your client likes Italian food,

you bring them to Cuginos.

And if your client likes a little action,

you bring them a gambler.

And if your client hates Cornell, you bring 'em Andy.

(crowd chattering)

- So many memories in this old gym.

Pretending to have PMS

so I didn't have to play volleyball.

Pretending I have PMS so I didn't have to play basketball.

Those were the days.

- Little over the top, don't you think?

- Show 'em what you brought, Mike.

- That's all we brought. - This is all we need.

- We'll see. - Yes, we will see, Oscar.

We will see, because a blank sheet of paper

equals endless possibilities.

Conceptual. All right.

We are open for business.

Hello.

What up?

Hello.

Hello.

What's up?

Blank sheet of paper.

Blank sheet of paper.

- Guys, do we have to stay all day?

I mean, Michael's gone.

Can't we just go?

- Yeah. And then I finished my work months ago.

Excuse me, people.

It has come to my attention that some of you have forgotten

who is in charge here.

When Michael is gone,

Jim is in charge.

When Jim has gone,

Andy and I are in charge.

When Andy is gone, you answer to me. Okay?

Excuse me, where do you think you're going?

Oh no, no, no, no. You're not leaving.

No, Stanley?

Do not walk out that door.

If you walk out that door, so help me,

I will...

He left.

Last time I checked,

the American work day ends at 5:00 PM.

You will all stay at your desks until that time.

Or you will suffer the consequences.

What consequences?

I will tell on you.

(golf cart whirring)

Andy, you're up. Let's go.

- Giddy-up. Let's do this.

People assume I'm great at golf, but like everybody,

I hated golf lessons when I was a kid,

so I used to just hang out with the sailing club instead.

Got my knot on.

Damn it!

Kevin, your shadow.

You totally blocked out the entire sun at the last second.

Threw off my rhythm.

No I didn't.

Damn it!

Aw! Aw!

Aw!

Okay, who's up?

Guy's kind of a douche.

Yeah, well, you know, Cornell.

I guess. (laughs)

- Well, kids today have a very short attention span.

They are into texting and video games,

and sex, and they just,

they get distracted easily.

And today, they're being distracted by the other booths.

- You ever go to one of these when you were in high school?

Nope. You?

No.

Maybe we should have.

(laughs)

No, surprisingly enough, I did not always dream

of being an accountant at Dunder Mifflin.

When I was in high school, I was just a normal kid.

I made decent grades. I played bass in a new wave band.

I had a poster of Kim Basinger over my bed.

Oh, how I want it to be Kim Basinger.

- There's some filing, restocking the supply shelves,

replacing the water jug, which nobody likes to do.

Um, We eat a lot of cake.

Cool.

(laughs)

Yeah, and you know,

you basically learn how an office runs.

- Hello. - So...

- Hi. Can I talk to you for a sec?

Excuse me.

This is Michael, my boss.

- Yeah. - Justin.

- Hey, remember, what we talked about in car on the way out?

"Only the best and the brightest."

- He's nice, and he seems interested.

He's totally wrong, Pam.

Hey.

- Hi. - How you doin'?

Listen, I don't think that a handsome, funny, smart,

funny looking kid like you should limit himself.

You could do whatever you wanna do.

You could be a classy janitor

or a cashier with dignity

or a migraine worker.

Maybe for you, paper should be more of a hobby.

- Sorry for wasting your time. - Oh, no problem.

And he signed!

Did he put his name on a piece of...

Okay, that was supposed to be a blank canvas

on which to put their hopes and dreams.

And he just made it into a stupid piece of paper.

We need another one immediately.

- Yeah. The booth is lame without it.

I only brought the one.

Are you mental?

Michael, Do you remember,

you specifically told me to only bring one sheet of paper?

You said, "It only takes one sheet to make a difference."

And I said, "Are you sure Michael?"

And you said, "Pam, Pam, Pam."

And then you sneezed in my tea,

and then you said, "Don't worry, it's just allergies."

Do you remember that?

I don't.

We can just turn it over.

- No, we need a new, fresh sheet.

This is not a virgin piece of paper anymore.

This is been a defiled piece of paper.

- Okay. I'll go look for another one.

- And that is why I need a smart intern.

- Hey, so how's the direct mail business going?

- I can't complain. People love their junk mail.

- Now, are you getting all your paper from PPC or-

You know what, Jim?

I'm not really looking to change things up right now.

I just came out here to get out of the office a little bit.

So why don't we just play? Okay.

Absolutely. We'll do.

So I guess I'll just work on my short game.

Hello there?

What is this company?

- Well, it's funny that you should ask

because it's really more than a company.

Dunder Mifflin Paper.

Thanks.

Okay. Damn it, Oscar.

Yeah, I'm trying to lure these kids into my booth,

but kids are very wary of being lured these days.

Thank you, Dateline.

Thank you.

- Hey Kel, he's in the bathroom. Let's go.

(phone rings)

Extension 128.

Hi ya pumpkin, it's Creed.

Say, we're gonna ditch this bitch. You in?

- No. - You out?

Pumkin's out! Let's go gang.

Whenever I'm here by myself,

I like to pretend that all the others are dead.

So this is nice.

Roy.

Nine years of my life.

My old art room.

Oh, maybe it's still here.

No, no.

They must've take it down. Never mind.

(phone rings)

What do you want?

- Michael, I know you're swamped.

I just thought you should know

that everyone in the office has left

except for Angela and I.

Do not worry, though,

I have taken down their names

and I have docked them a personal day.

- Who cares? I'm not there. Jim's not there.

Why should they have to be there?

So what else is up?

(dial tone) Mike?

Thank you.

Wha, what is this?

Piece of paper?

- This isn't Dunder Mifflin paper.

- It's some sort of Pedleton crap.

- Well, I think they'll get the spirit of it.

- Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam, Pam!

We're dying here.

I want you to go back to the office

and I want you to get the real stuff.

I want you to get ultra white card stock.

Are you serious?

- Yes. And don't call me Shirley.

Oh.

Ah. Damn it.

- You could just pick it up, take the triple bogey.

Yeah, I, I'll get it out.

- Thank you. - Yup.

Out in 12.

- (clapping) - Yes. (laughs)

Finally.

Come on, Andy.

(mobile phone rings)

Ah, come on Tuna!

- Hey, can't really talk now. What's up?

- Just checking in. How's it going?

- Ah, you know, we'll see. We'll see.

- I just drove 20 miles round trip back to the

office to get Michael a single sheet of white paper.

So I could have just had them fax it to me, I guess.

- Oh, I like you. - Talk to you later?

Yeah. Alright, bye.

All right.

Sorry, I got to annoy you one more time.

What if I bring down shipping costs?

You can try.

But I've looked at your prices.

Even with free shipping,

doesn't work.

It's just, It's not in the stars, Jim.

Six.

Yeah.

- All right. All right, race to the next hole.

Ooh, winner gets 10 bucks.

Wait, wait for me. Andy!

Shortcut! Short cut!

- (golf cart shatters) - Oh!

I fell in the sand trap.

I am depressed.

Ever since Ryan left,

I've been going through Empty Nest syndrome

and I call it that

because that's the way I felt

when Empty Nest went off the air.

I am lonely and I need a new Ryan.

(machine whirring)

All of these jobs suck.

I would rather live jobless on a beach somewhere

off the money from a large inheritance

than I have to work in any one of these crapholes.

They suck.

Hey.

Game over.

Hey, Mike.

I think, you owe these nice folks an apology.

I'll go get the ball.

Hey there,

Michael Scott, regional manager, Dunder Mifflin.

- Brett Bailey. Nice to meet you.

That is a very firm handshake.

Oh, wow. Ah, killing my hand there.

So what is your poison?

You like a sales, accounting?

Sales. Sales would be cool.

- Sales is and could be very, very cool.

If you like paper and you love to laugh,

this is the place for you.

Sounds great.

- Right here. We have a lot of fun.

This is one of our staff.

This is Pam Beasley, receptionist extraordinaire.

- Hey, Pam. - Check that out, huh?

- Hi, nice to meet you. - Pretty nice.

- Yeah. - She sits there all day.

You get to look at her.

I want you to hold out your hand.

Tell me what you feel.

- Paper. - That's called card stock.

That's what you're feeling

and what you're feeling inside is confusion.

Butterflies, exhilaration.

You're thinking, am I good enough for this job?

Do I have what it takes?

I think we both know the answer.

We'll find out that out together.

You can keep that.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

- Sweet. - Don't fold it though.

- Thank you very much. - Oh, thanks.

- Okay. So we owe approximately $200 to Kevin.

It looks like Andy will be paying 7,500

for capsizing the golf cart.

Apparently, that's illegal here.

- Still, it's a beautiful day, huh?

It is a beautiful day.

You know, our customer service is-

- No, no, just enjoy the moment, Jim.

Yeah.

Really is nice out.

- We have the Dundees, my birthday, that was blowout

and it's sexy, sort of a sexy atmosphere.

You know, the other day in the parking lot,

I actually found a condom.

So, I've meaning to ask you, do you know whose that was?

So sexy-

- Man, well, it was to meeting you.

I'm gonna, I need to go. Okay.

- Hey, you know what? Coincidence.

I am going to go for a little stroll on myself.

You psyched about the summer?

- Oh yeah, - Yeah, me too.

- Okay. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

- Okay, be my guest and do your worst.

- To be honest, I'm not so good at math.

I know it seems like

there'd be a lot of math in accounting.

It's not brain surgery.

You should see some of the people in my department.

(laughs)

- It is right by my house. I could walk there.

- You sound like the ideal candidate.

- oh, come on. - Hey.

So I forgot to mention that my old temp is now my boss.

So, gives you an idea how quickly you can move up.

Yeah, I get it. Okay.

I'm not interested. Stop following me around.

You're really starting to freak me out.

- One other thing I wanted to-

Look, I was just being polite.

I don't want to waste my life selling paper

for your stupid company, okay?

Oh.

- Tuna, can you put this in my mouth for me?

No.

Here we go.

1, 2, 3 up.

Oh, oh.

Aw, I totally chipped a tooth.

Do you want a straw?

- Excel spreadsheets. They just calm me.

You probably don't know this, but I live for spreadsheets.

What about you?

- When I was a kid, I used to take things from my house.

Box them up,

load them in the back of my mom's station wagon

for no reason whatsoever.

That's when I knew.

Yeah, I don't really like my job, but I love my life.

Love my daughter, love my friends.

Love the Eagles and I like Kelly.

Oh, and I love that old busted up couch in front of office.

- Thanks. - I don't get it.

I don't get this place.

The cool kids don't like paper.

The losers do.

It's weird.

No offense, but your high school sucks.

You're very lucky that we took you in.

Yeah, I know.

Listen, that kid, Justin, who came up to you,

he was really nice.

You kind of just blew him off.

Really?

Okay. All right, I will hire Justin.

He will just be my extreme home makeover person edition.

Okay.

All right.

Hey Justin, I cannot believe I'm saying this,

but I'm going to offer you an internship at Dunder Mifflin.

You are welcome.

Let's go.

- Which one is Dunder Mifflin again?

The bank?

- I'm sorry, I just have a ton of brochures.

Paper company.

Single sheet of paper, conceptual.

Come on moron, work to do.

- I'm, I'm sorry. I'm sort of in the middle of this.

- Wait, you want this kid to be in the air force?

- Absolutely. Justin is smart, capable, ambitious.

- And he aims high. - Timeout.

You think this kid could be a fighter pilot?

- I think Justin could be anything he wants to be.

Okay.

Okay.

(Dwight sneezes)

Bless you.

Thank you.

- Just in time. - Hi.

- Just in case, what's your last name?

Polznik.

This just in, Justin Polznik!

Whaa...(laughs)

I now realize that Brett Bailey

is like the hot girl in the movie

who in a surprise twist, turns out to be a raving bitch.

And that Justin is the ugly girl in the movie

who takes off her glasses and she's hot.

And you realize that she was always hot.

She was just wearing glasses.

And that you were the blind one.

He's the most important thing in my life right now.

Have you given any more thought to Dunder Mifflin?

- Well, you took away the brochure.

So I just sort of-

- No, yeah, but you don't need the brochure.

The brochure is up here and it's in here.

I think you are smart and capable and you aim high.

- That's what the recruiter just said.

I'm right.

I want you to meet my family. Come on.

Oscar Martinez, accountant extraordinaire.

This is Justin.

- Hey. - Hi.

This is Darryl Philbin.

Isn't he big?

And you've already met her, Pam Beasley, office hottie.

She will do you know.

(laughs)

No. No.

But she has already dated two guys in the office

that we know of, so this could be number three.

You never...

Come here.

I would never say this to her face,

but she's a wonderful person and a gifted artist.

- What? Why wouldn't you say that to her face?

So what do you think?

Think these guys are nice?

Guys that I didn't bring are even better.

Justin, I'm willing to commit right now.

Would you do me the honor

of spending this summer with us at Dunder Mifflin?

I think, I think you are very special.

You didn't want me before.

- That's what you said. - No, I didn't.

- You were, you were kind of a jerk to me.

- I am- - And I'm going to go now.

- Why don't... Hey.

- What are the chances I could get a permanent position

with you guys once I've interned?

Pretty good, I guess.

- Cool. - Yeah.

Wow.

I'm gonna be an accountant at a paper company.

Yay.

Oh, wait a second.

Oh, I just got a text.

Oh geez. How embarrassing?

We just filled the intern position.

- Really? - Yeah.

Man. That's, it's too bad.

It's okay.

Listen, Megan,

is there anything that you're really interested in?

Anything at all? History, medicine, dance.

I Play the guitar.

- That's great. You play the guitar.

Megan, be a musician. Spend your life making music.

Don't work in an office.

Promise me. You'll never stop making music.

- I haven't been playing that long.

- Practice till your fingers bleed.

- Okay - Go get 'em, Megan.

I just couldn't do that to that little girl.

Last man standing.

Excuse me.

Okay, Jim, you owe me one 120

and Phil, you owe me 230.

Let's open a tab,

'cause you and me are gonna be playin' more often.

- Count me in. - Nope.

All right.

Okay.

You had some fun and I think I paid for it.

So let me just get my last shot in there.

Is there anything you can do for me?

I'll tell you what.

My fiscal year ends in two months.

Let's talk then.

- Sound good. - Absolutely.

- Good playing with you guys. - Right on.

- I'm gonna take so much money off that guy.

That guy is a whale. I'm gonna clean him out.

This is really gonna get me out of a hole.

He's not my client.

You know, it's a tough thing

seeing a grown man take six shots to get out of a sand trap,

but I had to give phil credit for not quitting,

which is what I told him.

I also told him that I don't quit either.

And I'd call him every single day

until he gave me his business.

Which he then did,

after 15 minutes of me blocking his car.

So I am now his paper supplier,

and I shot a 102 today,

so I'm feelin' pretty good.

- The Job Fair will be closing in five minutes.

Eighth period will commence as scheduled.

- Hold on the Fort. I have to do something

Excuse me.

If you can hear me,

I would like you to look around at all these companies

and know that none of them are good enough for you.

H&R block?

Come on.

I mean, I don't even know what they do.

"Frank Regan Funeral Home?"

Too much formaldehyde.

The Air Force?

Air Force is cool.

The refreshments?

Bush league, you know,

that's not what you want.

Dunder....

That, okay.

I see security is coming,

so I just want to say, come to Dunder Mifflin.

Dunder Mifflin, a great place to work.

Anybody? Show of hands?

Anybody wanna intern at Dunder Mifflin?

We do not offer college credit,

we cannot give you any sort of pay,

but it is a really fun work environment.

Anybody? Show of hands?

Damn it. Okay.

I'm gonna wrap it up here.

Thank you for your time and drive safe.

- Hi. - Hello.

I was just wondering what kind of jobs do you guys have?

- Are you interested in graphic design?

Yeah.

Can I fill out an application?

- Oh, Absolutely. Here, take a seat.

I should let you know right away.

This is just an entry-level job. It's really basic.

And we're looking for like a self-starter.

Someone who can meet deadlines

and just pretty much just go the extra mile, I guess.

- I can do that. - Great.

And obviously we're looking for someone

who knows Photoshop and Dreamweaver, Corel painter,

Illustrator, After Effects, all the basics.

I don't know any of those.

- It's actually not super complicated.

I mean, I'm sure there's some sort of

like adult education classes in the area,

but if you're really serious about graphic design,

I would think about New York or Philadelphia,

they got amazing programs out there for design.

- New York, Philadelphia. - Yeah.

All right. Cool, well, thanks.

And I'll, I'll look into those.

- You should. - New York or Philadelphia?

- Absolutely. - Okay.

Thanks.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

You realize you were taking,

- I can't-

Beers?

- You closed it? - I closed it.

Yes!

Congratulations to you, sir.

- Thank you. Oh, thank you very much.

Appreciate it.

- Well done. Nice job. - Thank you.

You know what? Screw this.

Oh, wow, wow, wow.

Today I did something stupid.

I questioned myself, and I will never do that again.

'Cause I look at somebody like Jim Halpert,

and I think that guy could do anything he wants to do.

He could do anything and he chooses to work here

selling paper, just like me.

Yeah. Kiss her.

Kiss her good.

(upbeat music)