Original subtitles

I have spent the last month here at Dwight's lovely farm.

Taking a little bit of a vacation,

clearing my head after Jan and I--

(mimicking gunfire)

No, I did not kill her.

We were just at different places in our lives.

So, I thought I'd be the bigger man

and allow her to stay at the condo.

She has since moved on.

She is staying with her sister in Scottsdale.

Fresh outlook and it's all good.

Okay, so look that over.

Make sure it's accurate.

- What is this? - Your bill.

Minus the 10% Dunder Mifflin corporate discount.

You were charging me?

I'm your friend.

- You occupied the America room for six weeks.

That's our most popular room.

- There was no other guests the entire time I was here.

- Right, because you were in the America room

in an election year.

Okay.

All right, Dwight, take my money, go ahead.

Keep in mind that this whole thing

was just a business transaction.

The late nights, the talks, slumber parties,

the crying jags, that was all business.

That had nothing to do with friendship and being friends.

Just ring me up.

Go ahead.

(paper tearing)

Thank you, Dwight.

- We don't take debit cards anyway.

- Dwight, a little help with the bags, please?

(upbeat music)

(brakes squealing)

- W.B. Jones is renovating their offices.

And their construction crews are taking up

some of the parking spaces we used to get.

- So we had to park at a satellite parking lot over there.

- Which just means we get to see more of our lovely street.

Tell them what we saw today, Jim.

- Oh, today, we saw a junkyard dog

attacking the bones of a rotisserie chicken.

Nature.

Been here nine years.

Now, all of a sudden, I'm supposed to park half a mile away?

- I lost a penny out of my loafers, Oscar.

I will quit.

As God is my witness, I will quit if this is not fixed.

- Some of us make the walk more than others.

[Brian] Hurts like hell.

Morning, Stanley.

(loudly groaning)

(door closing)

Did you pick a new chair?

It's been awhile.

- Pam, when I first opened this catalog,

I thought I was just going to be picking out a chair.

- But instead, you found something to distract you

from ever picking out a chair.

Michael started the process of selecting a new chair

about three weeks ago.

And normally, I wouldn't care,

but he promised me as old one.

It's way better.

It's one of these (blowing air).

I really want it.

Have you ever seen this woman?

Her?

The one in the really great, mesh,

black, high-back swivel chair?

Look at her smile.

Those eyes, look at her eyes.

She's got, I don't know what it is exactly.

She dresses like a professional and yet, you know,

there is a side of her that could just curl up on a couch.

Or in a great chair.

Oh, yeah, maybe.

But remember after my dinner party,

when I said that I was swearing off women?

- I definitely remember your dinner party.

- I think what I meant was that I am

completely swearing off one woman, Jan.

I think that fate put this catalog in my hands.

- Actually, I put the catalog in your hand

'cause you have to pick out a new chair.

What is it like being single?

I like it.

I like starting each day with a sense of possibility.

And I'm optimistic.

Because every day, I get a little more desperate.

And desperate situations yield the quickest results.

Ladies and gentlemen, would you please

open your supply catalogs and kindly turn to page 85.

(phone ringing)

Yo.

Is this his new chair?

No, he hasn't picked one yet.

God.

When Pam gets Michael's old chair,

I get Pam's old chair.

Then I'll have two chairs.

Only one to go.

- I am ready to start dating again.

I'm getting back on the market.

So, FYI, for those of you who are thinking about

fixing me up with any of your friends,

use the woman on page 85 as a template.

That will be all.

(pen landing)

- I left my cell phone in my car.

- Call us when you get there so we know you're okay.

(machine whirring)

(phone ringing)

Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

What?

I'm sorry?

I'm sorry.

Can you turn that down, please, Kevin?

It only has one speed.

Hey, Kev-bo.

Wow.

Look at those feet.

Listen, man.

I am completely over Jan.

So, would you set me up?

- If I had somebody to set you up with, Michael,

then I'd take her for myself.

I thought you were engaged.

Nope, Stacy broke up with me.

What?

God, that's terrible, man.

She's crazy.

Are you still on good terms with any of her friends?

Not anymore.

It's a bitter situation.

- Oh, she's, you don't deserve her.

All right.

Love, marriage, baby carriage.

Those have been my goals ever since I heard that song.

Jan and I had love.

We did not have marriage.

We did have a baby carriage, which I got her

for bringing groceries home after she got a DUI.

Hi, Michael.

Hey, Kelly.

Ew, what are you doing here?

Nothing.

Just hangin', chillin'.

No agenda.

Would you consider hooking me up with one of your friends?

Oh, all my friends are crazy.

My one friend, Brianna, oh, my god.

(both laughing)

That's hilarious.

What's her number?

She's 23.

Mm, that's too young.

- Actually, I know a ton of people

that I can set you up with.

Some of my friend's parents, they're getting divorced now.

So I think some of those, like, older ladies,

they're really looking for a guy to go on a date with.

So what about you, Angela?

Do you have any single friends?

I don't.

Cute, little, religious type.

Someone who wears a uniform, or--

A Catholic school girl?

- (snorting) No, obviously older.

A nun?

Okay.

Oh, hello, Oscar Meyer Wiener lover.

I bet that you have a bunch of very liberal,

girl-type friends who trust you implicitly

because they know you'd never touch them

because of your condition.

You know, like, you're just hanging out with them

and they're gossiping with you.

And they're walking around in front of you

in their panties and bras and (sighing).

- Man, I want your life. - Thank you.

- Michael? - What?

I have a friend who's single.

- Oh. - Sandy.

She's gorgeous.

And she's got a feisty personality, too.

Hm, feisty.

So she's not jolly or sassy?

Not like a jolly, sassy opera singer?

- No, she's a professional softball player.

Oo.

Catcher or infield?

I don't know, Michael.

- Is she a dress-wearer or a pants-wearer?

Could we share a rowboat?

Could a rowboat support her?

What are you asking?

- I think I'm being very clear what I'm asking.

Would an average-size rowboat support her without capsizing?

It bothers me that you're not answering the question.

- No, all right, no, she can't fit in a rowboat.

- Dammit, I knew it, I knew it, Phyllis, okay.

What is wrong with these people?

I would do anything for them.

And they're just hanging me out to dry.

Dating shouldn't be hard for somebody like me.

But it is.

And you know why?

Because nobody here is willing to help me.

Nothing would ever get done in this office

without a formal request, would it?

Well, fine, here goes.

- I don't think that this is--

- Now, okay. I know that this is probably not appropriate.

But I need help.

Because I want to play ball with my kids

before I get too old.

And before that happens, I need to get laid.

And before that happens, I need to be in love.

And I don't want to hear, I don't know,

I can't help, I don't know.

No, no, I'm a catch.

And I am not going to be the one who got away.

So this is what we're going to do.

Dwight is going to handout index cards.

And I want you all to write down the name

of an eligible woman for me to date by the end of the day.

No, by the end of the hour, or you are fired.

Write legibly, people.

There is nobody I hate enough

to write her name on this card.

- Well, I'm setting Michael up with my fat friend anyway.

He can just deal with it.

Who are you putting down?

Oh, you don't know her?

- Who is it? - Your mom.

(chuckling) Yeah, whatever.

Give that to me, give that to me.

- Stanley, if you could just pass this over.

No.

- Hi, Angela Martin, full-time accountant, part-time pimp.

- Forcing your employees to set you up

is not a technical violation of any Dunder Mifflin rule.

But neither is forcing them to help you

with a shot-by-shot remake of Indiana Jones.

How do you make a rule book like that?

- Because of the construction at W.B. Jones,

half of us have to park in the satellite lot.

It's, like, a 10-minute walk.

No, 30.

- Well, look, I have an assigned parking place in front, so.

All right, all right, all right.

Let me try to think about

what it would be like to not have one.

Okay, yes, that would be bad.

- Yes. - Yes.

- That would be bad. - Okay, so, help us out?

Wish I could, but I can't.

Well, can, but won't.

Should, maybe, but shorn't.

Michael, please.

- What part of shorn't don't you understand, Kevin?

Look, I could probably handle it, yes.

But I think it would be a good exercise

for you guys to do it yourselves.

We won't let you down.

- You can't because I don't care.

Listen, don't forget to fill out those cards.

My love cards.

- Michael and my sister might hit it off.

Thanksgivings with Michael.

(card tearing)

- I put down the number to a sex addict hotline.

- All right, time's up, pencils down.

Please, pass your future Mrs. Michael Scott's forward.

I'm just gonna write down

the number of my boss at corporate.

It's gonna save me a lot of paperwork

if I don't have to act as the middleman on this one.

And, you know, they should hear it from him.

Pammy.

I don't have anybody.

- You don't have one single girlfriend?

No.

- I'm not looking for a perfect 10 here.

Just somebody to hang out with.

Just fun, healthy, young woman.

Sorry.

I think, deep down, Michael's a good person.

You just forget sometimes.

Like, whenever he says or does something.

I know what the problem is.

They are used to seeing me with a hot girl on my arm.

They're thinking, oh, he's successful, he's handsome.

Not gonna have any trouble finding a woman.

Well, that's what I thought.

A kindergarten teacher who is great with kids.

Maybe an ex-model.

And now she wants to do something with a brain.

No, I don't.

- How about a professional volleyball player

who models on the side?

You know, just a fun, look, here,

it doesn't have to be a model.

Don't rule out model.

But just in terms of models,

there are like 20 different categories.

There's face models, hand models, body models.

Yes.

I actually know a sex model.

- Really? - Yep, yeah.

She's blind.

Is that a problem?

- No, it's all about the personality, Jim.

Okay.

Are you talking about Beverly?

Yes.

Because she's not a sex model.

She's the toll booth operator.

Oh, yeah.

Send me a picture.

So far, these are my leads.

A blind toll booth operator and a 1,200 pound catcher.

(cards tapping)

It's a start.

- Hey, Phyllis, what you knitting, a bedspread?

A sweater for Bob.

Well, he's gonna love it.

You're a knitress of the night.

Speaking of Bob, we have a favorite ask.

- We would like for him to call W.B. Jones

and tell him to give us our parking spaces back.

- Oh, Bob doesn't let me talk to him about business.

Why don't you just talk to Jones directly?

We tried.

His secretary won't let us see him.

Dammit, we're hitting brick walls everywhere we turn.

- What are we supposed to do now?

- Well, I think that there's only one card left to play.

We need a business park meeting.

Five families?

- Okay, Wendy, hot and juicy red head.

We'll give this a try.

(numbers dialing)

(line ringing)

- Wendy's. - Hello, Wendy.

This is Kevin's friend, Michael.

- This isn't Wendy. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Could you put her on, please?

- [Worker] Dude, this is a Wendy's restaurant.

Dammit, Kevin.

Okay, um, could I just have a frosty

and a baked potato, please?

- [Worker] You have to come to the restaurant to order food.

- Well, I'll send somebody to pick it up.

- Just have it ready. - It's ready now.

Well, put it aside.

Thank you, Kevin.

Jenny, no description.

867-5309.

(line ringing)

[Man] Hello?

Ah, yes, is Jenny there?

[Man] Very funny, man.

It's hilarious.

- Overly protective older brother?

- Okay, I have collected the rest of the ladies.

Good, good.

Because this batch was awful.

Part of my job is to make sure

the boss is sexually satisfied.

I'm not embarrassed about that.

I'm proud of it.

Meredith, extension 106.

- Who wrote that? - Meredith.

Oh, okay.

That's sweet.

This one says chair model.

I wrote that.

Michael, you shouldn't have to settle.

This is my pledge to you.

I will find her and I will bring her to you.

And as God is my witness, she shall bear your fruit.

That sounds good.

Go get her.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

First, go to Wendy's, get my food, come back and then go.

That is fantastic.

Thank you, thank you very much.

This is just what I needed.

The furniture company gave me the name

of the advertising agency.

They gave me the name of the photographer.

The photographer, a Spaniard,

used a Wilkes-Barre modeling agency.

The agency gave me the following information.

Deborah Shoshlefski, 142 South Windsor Lane.

Dead, car accident.

Case closed.

She's dead?

(loud squelching)

But she's so young.

- She was so young and now she is dead.

As dead as every dead animal who has ever died.

Oh, god.

- Why don't you sit down, Michael?

(loudly sighing)

Come on.

There we go.

- Michael, you didn't even know her.

Try not to be so hurtful, Jim.

- Jim, how dare you? - Please,

not at a time like this.

(loudly sighing)

Okay, Michael, you know what?

I might have someone for you.

- Oh, really, what's her name, Burger King?

No, I mean it.

She's really nice and sweet.

And you guys might actually get along.

- I don't, I don't think I'm ready.

Is she hot?

- I'm setting Michael up with my landlady.

She's really sweet.

And whatever, I just can't take Michael like this.

No question about it.

I am ready to get hurt again.

- We need to assemble the five families.

No, not the five families.

We have to.

The five families are the five companies

of Scranton business park.

The bosses rarely meet.

There's Michael Scott, Regional Manager, Dunder Mifflin.

Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration.

Paul Faust of Disaster Kits Limited.

They call him cool guy Paul.

W.B. Jones of W.B. Jones Heating and Air.

Grade-A badass.

And Bill Cress of Cress Tool and Dye.

Bill Cress is super old and really mean.

- Kevin, I don't have time for this right now.

I'm trying to get a date with Pam's hot friend.

And she needs to meet me right now.

- I'm calling the meeting anyway.

Thank you very much.

Our suspect has straight, brown hair.

She is wearing blue jeans and a black top.

So, behold, our bachelorette.

Give her a 10 for looks

and a three for her ability to describe herself.

Hello, my lady.

Michael?

Oh.

Are you Michael Scott?

Sorry, Michael what?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm supposed to be meeting someone named Michael.

- Oh, that's not, yeah-- - Michael?

Michael?

Large hot chocolate with caramel and a shot of peppermint.

- So you get the rent checks every month

and what happens next?

What?

- You're asking me what I do with the checks

that people write to me.

Just making conversation.

Why is it so hard to meet people?

All I want is somebody nice and sweet.

And someone I can talk to and share an experience with.

You know?

Why is it so hard for people like us?

I don't know.

- You want to see what I walked out on?

This is going to blow your mind.

Look at that.

- She's beautiful. - Yeah, yeah.

And you can't see your whole body.

Down here, she has a boob job.

She was just crazy smart and really manipulative.

- And I don't know. - Michael?

Hello, Michael?

- I'm gonna head out. - Oh, okay.

Well, I enjoyed this conversation.

It was very nice.

It was like talking to the sweet, old lady on the bus.

That's incredibly rude.

Now you ruined it.

- Hey, you okay? - I'm scared.

Look, relax, okay?

I grew up in corporate circles.

It was my entire social life.

- So, let me take the lead. - Okay.

And we're gonna be fine.

- But sometimes you come off like a bit of a jackass.

- So can you just not do that? - Yeah, sure.

Can I handle this?

Well, let's take a looksie.

Born and bred in Simsbury, Connecticut.

By the time I was 22, I'd graduated

from an Ivy League college, Cornell.

By the time I was 31, I was regional director

in charge of sales at Dunder Mifflin Stanford.

So yeah, pretty sure I can handle this.

Where's Scott?

- Michael Scott could not make it today

due to an unforeseen prior engagement.

- Let's just meet back in an hour.

Gentlemen, please.

We called this meeting.

Andrew Bernard is the name of me.

And this is my associate, Mr. Kevin Malone.

Things.

All right, what do you want?

Well, first of all,

I'd just like to say what an honor it is

to be sitting here with you gentlemen.

- You have about 10 seconds--

- We want our parking spaces back.

Whose parking spaces?

W.B. Jones' construction guys

park in our parking spaces every morning.

And some people have to park really far away

and walk all the way to the office.

And some people sweat too much for comfort.

My god.

- I don't have time for this, guys.

Just give them back their spaces.

- Okay. - We good?

Okay.

Could have done this over email.

- After Stacy left, things did not go well for awhile.

And it was hard to see.

It's just nice to win one.

(door opening)

- Margaret, the landlady, really, Pam?

Is that what you think of me?

She's sweet and cute.

I thought you'd get along.

Oh, okay.

Well, I'm looking for passionate affair, not companionship.

I'm a man of intensity, of cool and youth and passionately.

God.

- Margaret? - I know.

- You just got yourself kicked out of your apartment.

(both chuckling)

Oh, I don't care.

I didn't really like that place that much anyway.

I'll just move.

Oh, really?

Who's gonna take you in?

You're messy, you're a klutz, you spill everything

and you leave the volume on the TV way too loud.

Yeah.

Maybe I'll just move in with my boyfriend.

'Cause he's kind of a slob, too.

Okay, sure, let's do it.

- (chuckling) No, I, well, I'm not gonna,

I'm not gonna move in with anyone unless I'm engaged.

- Have I not proposed to you yet?

I don't know, no.

Oh, well, that's coming.

Oh, right now.

- No, I'm not gonna do it right here.

That would be rather lame.

Okay, so then when?

Pam, I'm not gonna tell you,

I hate to break it to you, but that's not how that works.

Oh, right, yeah.

Wait, I'm serious.

- It's happening. - Okay.

- And when it happens, it's going to kick your ass, Beasley.

So stay sharp.

I've been warned.

I am not kidding.

Got it a week after we started dating.

I don't know, man.

I was with Jan for so long.

I was excited about meeting somebody new.

Put my heart out there.

Just (sighing).

You know what you need?

Closure.

You're right.

What do you mean though?

There was a woman in your life

who affected you very deeply.

And she left before you could say goodbye.

I think you need to say goodbye.

Hm.

Come on, I'll drive.

- We did it. - I did it.

We got our spaces back.

Wow.

Nice job.

- Yeah, nice. - Yeah, there it is.

You're welcome.

Am I a hero?

That would be so pretentious for me to sit here and say,

yes, I am a hero.

I happened to have done a very heroic thing.

But, you know, at the end of the day

I just did what any hero would do.

- So. - Yeah?

- I basically charmed their Jockeys off.

(quietly chuckling)

- Angela, you've got a little bit of emotion on your face.

There, you got it.

Did I do this for me?

No.

I did this for the little guy, for Joe six pack.

The guy who wakes up every morning

in his $400-a-month apartment,

wonders how he's gonna pay his mortgage that month.

Wonders how he's going to fill his car up with oil.

Wonders, how am I gonna pay my kid's orphanage bills?

That guy shouldn't have to wonder where he's gonna park.

How did she die?

I guess you could say she died

of blunt force trauma and blood loss.

She got in a car accident

and plowed into the side of an airplane hanger.

God, she was so innocent.

She was stoned, apparently.

- You know, I used to think that I had

this perfect person out there waiting for me.

But now, I know that that's just silly.

Because she's dead.

What do you do?

- You wait until next year's chair catalog comes out

and you find someone who's still alive.

- And you move on. - Yeah.

- Where do you want to go for dinner?

I don't know.

I kind of hate all our regular places right now.

Oh, you know what?

That one...

Hey, Pam.

Will you wait for me one second while I tie my shoe?

- I hate you. - What?

My shoe was untied.

What is your problem?

Oh, my god, you thought I was,

oh, no, no, no. Oh, oh.

How could I have thought that?

How could I have thought that?

* Bye bye, Miss Chair Model Lady *

* I dreamt that we were married *

* And you treated me nice *

* We had lots of kids *

* Drinking whiskey and rye *

* But why'd you have to go off and die *

* Why'd you have to go off and die *

* Oh, you believe in rock in roll *

* Can music save your mortal soul *

* And then you have to dance real slow *

* Well, I know that you're in love with him *

* 'Cause I saw you dancing in the gym *

* They both turned off their shoes *

* No more rhythm and blues was returned *

* Rhythm and blues *

* This will be the day that I died *

(upbeat music)