Original subtitles

- Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin Scranton

Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness

Fun Run Race for the Cure.

This is Pam.

- Pro-Am.

- Pro-Am Race for the--they hung up.

- A woman shouldn't have to be hit by a car

to learn that she may have rabies,

but that is where we are in America,

and that does not sit right with me.

And that is why I am hosting

a Fun Run Race for the Cure for rabies.

To raise awareness of the fact

that there is a cure for rabies,

a disease that has been largely eradicated in the U.S.,

but not very many people know that.

And there are other fun runs that race for cures,

you run your race and you get to the end

and there is still no cure,

but our fun run,

you race, you get to the end,

you find out there's a cure.

It's a win-win.

If Meredith does get rabies,

the only way to take care of her

will be with a silver bullet.

When I was growing up,

I was always being picked on by bullies,

and I found that the best way to fight back was to run.

And now, Meredith's being picked on

by a big bully named rabies,

and so we're all gonna run.

Don't let this happen to you.

Rabies is not a joke.

No, rabies.

Babies would be a good idea.

Can I put you down for a dime?

- Hi, Stankley, how many sponsors so far?

Zero.

- Come on, man. Gotta step it up.

It's for a good cause.

Jan called this morning and pledged $500.

Isn't that your money?

That is for a good cause.

Phyllis, how's the rabies quilt coming?

Oh, it's coming.

Oh, look at that. Three.

Way to honor Meredith, Phyllis.

Michael?

Yes?

You cannot make me run.

Okay.

It is not a real charity.

It's stupid, Michael, and I'm not gonna do it.

All right, all right.

- You didn't run for me when I thought I had skin cancer.

- I know that you're probably scared

of people seeing your fat legs in shorts.

No.

- Okay. Well, back in olden times,

a large, fat person, like this, was a person of power,

a person who had money, could buy food,

a person of respect,

like the regional manager of the day.

Whereas someone athletic and trim, like myself,

was someone who worked in the fields and I was a peasant.

I just don't wanna run.

I didn't bring my sneakers or my clothes.

- No, you're going to have to run

or you're gonna be in a lot of trouble.

It is not olden times anymore.

- I'm petrified of nipple chafing.

Once it starts, it is a vicious circle.

You have sensitive nipples,

they chafe so they become more sensitive,

so they chafe more.

So I take precautions.

Hi, Angela,

Hey, um, I'm sorry about your cat.

This is Sprinkles.

She was my best friend.

I kept her going through countless ailments.

I asked Dwight Schrute to feed her once

and she is now deceased.

This is Halloween last year.

Just a couple of kittens out on the town.

Psst.

I'm having relationship problems

and since you're always having relationship problems,

I thought you'd be able to give me some advice.

What's wrong?

- I have this crazy thought that I know is crazy

that maybe Dwight killed my cat.

When I got home,

Sprinkles' body was in the freezer

where Dwight said he left her.

But all my bags of frozen French fries

had been clawed to shreds.

Oh.

Something's not right.

The vet's doing an autopsy.

Angela, I'm sorry.

- Did Roy ever kill one of your cats?

I'm more of a dog person.

I don't understand the problem

- You don't waste a day of work because someone

in the office almost got a disease

That is corporate talking.

The old you would never say that.

- No, I would think it. Now I can say it.

Okay.

- Why don't you do this on a Saturday?

Nobody would come.

Exactly.

Start rolling, please.

Ryan? Well, Ryan Howard is extremely immature.

I should know this because we were lovers for 14 months.

Ryan doesn't understand the rules of basketball,

but he pretends to when he's with guys.

He has incredible BO,

he waxes his legs and he hates dogs

and he hates kids and he's gay.

- So what's your strategy for this race.

Well, I'm going to start fast.

Then I'm going to run fast in the middle

and then I'm going to end fast.

Why won't more people do that.

Because they're stupid.

What?

Oh, no, that's not--I mean that wasn't--

I mean, I can see how it would seem a bit like we,

how it looks like, but I mean,

nowadays you can edit anything, right?

I mean, you can edit anything to look like anything.

- Yeah. I gave him a ride home because we're dating.

Wow. There it is.

Yeah. We haven't told anybody,

but it's going really great. Right?

It is going really great.

Your blushing.

You are very blushing.

No, it is very nice.

It Sort of changes everything.

It does change everything.

- I mean about today, like today,

normally it would be kind of a drag, right.

To go on a 5k run for some non-existing cause

just so that your really insecure boss could feel important,

but yeah, I don't know, today's thing,

It could be kind of fun.

- Yeah. Let's take a bite out of rabies.

- Let's do that. Lets take--

Ow!

Shut up.

- Your taking this out on me, but I was only the messenger.

Oh, really?

- You'll feel better after the 5k.

Exercise is good for depression.

- I'm not depressed. I'm in grief.

- We have raised almost $700. Most of it from me and Jan.

When do they put that on the giant check?

Or is that something that we write in later?

- Well, a giant check costs about $200 to make up.

I have a print shop standing by,

but what do you think, Michael?

That's over 25% of our funds.

That's a tough decision.

I always imagined it with a giant check.

- Yeah. I mean I personally am definitely on board

with the giant check.

Giant check it is.

I don't know.

On the other hand it does leave less money

for bat birth control.

Bat birth control.

- Wait, this money is going to bat birth control,

right Michael?

That's what you told me when I contributed.

- You didn't contribute very much.

I was also hoping to hand the giant check

to a rabies doctor. How's that going?

- Not well. A doctor won't come out

to collect a check for $700,

or $500 if we go with the giant check.

And also there is no such thing as a rabies doctor.

How about a rabies nurse?

I don't think so.

You know what though?

I've actually seen ads for nurses

that you can hire by the hour

for parties and bachelor events.

That's possible, look into that.

- Great. It's going to cost a couple hundred bucks

and oh, actually more with tips.

Maybe we should skip the ceremony

and just set up a college fund for Meredith's son.

- Have you met that kid? He's not going to college.

The charity is having some financial problems.

What do I look like to you? Paul Newman?

That's actually not a good example

because I have been compared to a young Paul Newman,

my eyes and my face, and I make my own salad dressing.

I mix Newman's ranch with Newman's Italian,

sell it at flea markets for a slight loss.

I could make a profit if I changed one

of the ingredients to wishbone, but I won't do it.

- Michael, 5k means five kilometers, not 5,000 miles.

Come in.

Hey, Hey, Oh my god.

What are you doing?

You said come in!

- No, I didn't just, oh my gosh, please get out.

So I closed the door,

but the image of his dangling participle

still burned in my eyes.

I can imagine.

Come in.

Can I enter the room.

Yes. Or come in.

See how I did that.

That's the way you should enter a room. You knock,

and then you wait for the all clear.

You couldn't take all your clothes off in the men's room?

Yes, but I have an office.

So why would I do that?

- On average, how many hours a day

do you spend naked in your office? Just ballpark.

- European offices are naked all the time.

There's so not.

- Besides my shirttail covered most of it. So.

- I didn't see where it started but I saw where it ended.

Gross.

- It's not gross, it is a human body. What is your problem?

Pam, You're an artist, right?

Think of me as one of your models.

Okay. You know what?

I don't want this to detract from what we really need

to be thinking about today.

It's not fair to people with rabies

and that's the point, right?

Okay. Let's go have some fun.

- They say, if you're nervous around someone,

you should picture them naked.

I do not recommend this strategy.

Try picturing them with more clothes on or a funny coat.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Is this a working office and not a French beach?

Okay. Name please.

- Creed Bratton, 75 plus division.

You're over 75 years old?

- 82 November first. How much is the prize money?

There's no prize money.

What, is any of this real?

Check that out.

Loom at me, I'm Toby. I'm stretching. I know what I'm doing.

Why is he even here?

Hey Michael.

- Hey Billy. How you doing? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Next time we will fun run for you, buddy. All right?

That's okay.

Okay.

I'm just here to help.

Oh, all right.

How you gonna--how?

- I'm going to race like everybody else.

- Wait a second. Do you have a motor in that?

Because you can't use souped up things.

It immediately disqualify. You can't win.

It's not about winning. I know that it's about charity.

Listen, you know what we're going to do,

we are going to have a special category

just for you and your chair.

So you're already a winner. Okay.

Unless somebody else in a wheelchair beats you.

Hey Angela.

Hi

Oh, the cat.

Is that the cat that bit Meredith.

- So I heard that you were peeping on Michael.

- What? No, it was not--

Look, I don't know what your deal is, but he's mine. Okay?

So hands off.

Okay everybody, listen up.

Thank you for coming.

I would like to invite each and every one of you,

with great pride, to Michael Scott's Dunder Mifflin

Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity

Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race for the Cure.

Before we get started,

I want to say few words

about this deadly disease called rabies.

And I'd like you to take a look into the face of rabies

That should scare you.

It scares me. You people need to educate yourselves.

three Americans every year die from rabies.

four Americans every year die from rabies.

How many of you know someone who has been afflicted

or affected by rabies. Show of hands.

1, 2, 3, too many to count.

It is truly the silent killer.

No, it is the foaming barking killer.

And it is something that--Darrell, what are you doing?

I'm giving him a peanut.

- No, don't give him--just--

did you hear anything I said?

Look how happy he is.

- He's happy because he's insane. You know what?

That's a perfect example of the kind

of awareness we need to generate.

Where's the nurse?

This is the reason we're here.

Hello Michael

Oh, Hey. I know you Elizabeth, right?

Yeah.

- Wow. Very cool you went back and got your degree.

I would like you to accept this check

for 340 dollars, made out to science.

Make sure that that gets into the right hands.

Great.

- Oh, I know what you're thinking,

but I actually paid

for the strippers slash rabies nurse myself.

It's a little joke to Pam. So don't worry.

All the money is still going

to the very real cause of rabies awareness.

- We're going to have fun today because it is a fun run,

but I want you to be safe.

I want you to get yourself checked for rabies.

So let's get rabid about your health. Okay.

Let's be safe today.

Please don't go in the street

because we didn't have any permits.

Okay. Fettuccine Alfredo.

Just remember folks. It's not about winning.

And it's about finishing.

On your marks, get set,

On your left.

Michael, look at you go.

That's my boss. Yeah.

I'm very fast. I'm very fast.

Like Forrest Gump, except I am not an idiot.

Oh yes. I will work out today.

I will work out a way to avoid running for a stupid cause.

- 5k is nothing. I've run marathons.

There are a few tricks I've learned along the way

that really helped me shave off some minutes,

like taking a cab.

- I've actually done like six charity Fun Runs this summer.

So honestly, I'm sort of spent.

- When I run my feet swell up like two bags of pot roasts.

Do you really want to see that?

Well, excuse me.

Oh, I'm going backwards.

Alright. Alright. Alright.

I've walked two marathons.

Pretty sure I can handle a 5k.

Key is drafting. Eliminate wind resistance.

Oh, we're in last place.

Oh, would you look at that

Darn it.

Water, water.

- No water for me. Not while rabies causes fear of water.

Solidarity!

Michael, that's irrational!

Rabies victims have to live

with an irrational hatred of water their entire lives,

which I can do.

- Oh God. My nipples. It's starting.

- Can we get another round? Thanks.

- So we've got what? Another 20 minutes?

More or less.

- The finishing is sitting in my stomach like a rock.

- You got nothing to worry about.

I put ammonium and Toby's coffee before the race.

Excellent

I'm making great time.

Usually I'd have to take a bathroom break halfway

through a race like this, but not today.

- Ooh. An estate sale. Wanna go in?

- I dunno. I'm really committed to winning.

Okay, but what if I told you

that all the money you spend here goes

to preventing a disease that's already been cured.

Hmm, Yes.

That's what I thought. Right?

Let's do some good.

- You have reached the offices of Dunder Mifflin Scranton.

Currently the entire staff is out

doing the Michael Scott D M S M TMC

Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race

for the Cure.

Leave a message.

Oh, alfredo sauce.

I'm getting a stitch. Ah, god.

God, watch the nipples, Kevin.

Back off me.

How you feeling, better?

No.

- Well, you look cute as a button. Worked up quite a sweat.

- The vet is removing all of sprinkles organs right now

and sending them to the lab.

I am a farmer, Angela.

What does that mean?

- When a farmer sees an animal that is in pain,

that has no quality of life that has no utility,

a farmer does what city folk don't have the stomach to do.

You did kill her.

I sang her her favorite songs.

You put her in my freezer.

- It was beautiful and gentle and respectful.

I fed her anti-histamines and she gradually fell asleep.

Well then she barfed them up in the freezer

and tried to get out.

- Well, I'm not responsible for that.

Hey, ow. It's okay.

It's nothing.

I'm rubbing her.

Its nothing, it's fine.

- How could you do that without telling me?

- I thought I was helping you. I expected a hug.

I took care of that cat the best way I knew how.

- Cat heaven is a beautiful place,

but you don't get there If you're euthanized.

I know a great taxidermist.

I'll pay to have her stuffed.

Well, he's not great, but he's pretty good.

You don't understand.

- Take back, seriously. Don't get bit.

- Or we can have her buried out at the east field by mother.

Huh, Angela?

Don't touch me Dwight.

- You like it? It's kind of designy and cool. It was $8.

Oh, I get to carry it.

- And the winner is Toby Flenderson.

- I'm just going to write it down.

Where are we?

- I don't know, like five kilometers from the office.

- He couldn't have made it a circle?

You all right, Scott?

No.

- Hey, Toby won. Kelly texted me.

- I could run faster, but this is for charity, so.

Sure thing Scott.

Where's Dwight?

I don't know.

I need Dwight.

Okay, see you.

- You could live for a hundred years

and say, sorry, sorry, sorry, continuously,

and that still wouldn't be enough for some people.

Some people don't understand sorry.

Animals don't understand I'm sorry.

They understand whoa and heel and off.

Try saying I'm sorry to a mule. He'll kick you in the head.

- I am not going to finish. I can't beat rabies.

Nobody can beat rabies.

Rabies has been around for a thousand years.

I was a fool to think that I could beat it.

Hey, Michael?

What are you doing here?

Did you come back for us or--

- I can't finish. I feel so weak.

Your probably dehydrated.

- What do you want me to do, Jim?

- A glass of water would be a start.

- No. There are people all over the world

with all sorts of problems and afflictions and diseases.

They're deformed and they're abnormal.

And here--illiterate and ugly.

Symphonies don't have any money. Public TV is bust.

I can't do anything about it. I can't, you know,

there's just one of me and there's a thousand of them

and rabies wins.

- Wow. You are a downer. We were having a pretty nice day.

I'm still having a nice day.

You are?

- Yeah. Hey Michael, look at this lamp. Eight dollars.

That's a good deal.

- And Michael, you don't have rabies

and chances are, you're not going to get it anytime soon.

So you don't really have to think about it too much.

- Pam, if everybody felt that way, nothing would get done.

- Yeah. But there's other better people out there

who are helping.

- You just don't think I am capable

of making a difference.

I know you, Michael.

I saw you naked.

- You don't know me. You've just seen my penis.

I can make a difference.

Remember, I'm the one who started this whole thing off

by hitting Meredith with my car.

And I owe it to her to finish this GD 5k.

Oh no, no.

Finishing that 5k was the hardest thing

I have ever had to do.

I ate more Fettuccine Alfredo

and drank less water than I have in my entire life.

People always talk about triumphs of the human spirit.

Well, today I had a triumph of the human body.

That's why everybody was applauding for me at the end.

My guts, my heart.

And while I eventually puked my guts out,

I never puke my heart out.

I'm very, very proud of that.

You're going to have a good life.

Thanks.

- Lots of people suffer dehydration.

They all recover just fine.

I'm Michael's pediatrician. Dehydration is pretty simple.

He could also have been treated

by a boy scout leader, a coach or a water bottle.

Well, apparently my insurance will not

be covering this hospital stay.

I will be paying out of pocket.

I kind of wish I'd been hit by a car.

Hey doc, are you forgetting something.

Thank you.

Hey Michael.

Hey Mer, how are you doing?

Better.

It's ironic isn't it?

I mean, I'm in the hospital

for not getting enough water

and your in for a disease that causes a fear of water.

- I'm in because you hit me with a car.

But I want to say, I heard you were trying really hard,

so I'm not mad at you anymore.

Thanks.

I'm not mad at you anymore.

Wanna share?

Sure.

I'm not really sick.

I'm Good.

Yeah. I'm happy for Michael

that Meredith forgave him finally.

It took a while because she was very mad

about him smashing her pelvis, but it did finally happen.

And I find that very inspiring for anyone

who wants to be forgiven for something.

- In the movies, being bitten by an animal,

gives you the superpowers of that animal, plus other powers.

But in real life,

the only power you get is the power to die.

Learn the facts.

Rabies kills nearly 4,000 Americans every 1000 years.

Rabies.