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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:58,141 Idiot. Hell, no, I won't marry you. Gosh! 2 00:00:59,268 --> 00:01:02,354 What would you do if you were in a situation like this? Gosh! 3 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:05,148 Gosh! Gosh! Gosh! 4 00:01:28,630 --> 00:01:30,465 Dear Diary, I had that nightmare again. 5 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:35,679 I fear I'll never get married. 6 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:40,934 Maybe I am destined to be a sad old spinster... 7 00:01:41,100 --> 00:01:45,272 ...whose only companionship comes from an absurd amount of cats. 8 00:01:59,494 --> 00:02:01,663 No, that won't be me! 9 00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:03,582 I believe in true love. 10 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,711 My knight in shining armor is out there somewhere... 11 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:10,172 ...and I'm gonna find him. 12 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,282 Oh, shit. 13 00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:04,554 Hi, Dad. 14 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:06,348 Look here, Julia. 15 00:05:06,515 --> 00:05:08,433 When you gonna find a man and get married? 16 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,561 You looking old, fat, and saggy. 17 00:05:12,395 --> 00:05:16,358 And the mole on your forearm, it's growing a mole. 18 00:05:17,901 --> 00:05:19,569 Let's put some hummus on it. 19 00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,112 Cures everything. 20 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,492 Baby, you gotta find a man. 21 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:28,119 In our race to protect our Greek heritage-- 22 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:31,373 Yes, yes, yes. And my heritage too. 23 00:05:31,540 --> 00:05:34,376 Let us not forget, you're also one half Indian. 24 00:05:34,543 --> 00:05:39,589 -Your mother's right. -Big sister, we also Japanese. 25 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:40,757 And Jewish. 26 00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:46,054 So you're telling me I have to marry a guy who's a Greek-Indian-Japanese-Jew? 27 00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:50,600 Baby, you're acting like that's hard to find. I mean, look around. They everywhere. 28 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:58,024 Nicky. Nicky! 29 00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,442 You're Greek, right? 30 00:06:00,026 --> 00:06:04,072 Yeah. And Indian and Japanese and a Jew. 31 00:06:05,991 --> 00:06:08,034 You wanna go out with my daughter? 32 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:10,579 No, I don't like redheads. Sorry. 33 00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:20,463 Dad, I know I'm no beauty, but I'm not gonna settle. 34 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:25,384 I respect our heritage, but I believe love is blind. 35 00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:30,140 Somewhere out there is my true love. 36 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,434 No! Back to work. 37 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,188 Coffee? 38 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,278 -More coffee? -Excellent. 39 00:06:43,445 --> 00:06:45,447 Jolly good. I quite fancy some... 40 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:52,454 ...more coffee, actually. 41 00:06:54,789 --> 00:06:56,333 Pick up. 42 00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:00,921 Pick up! Pick up! 43 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:02,421 -Okay. -Pick up! 44 00:07:02,589 --> 00:07:04,591 I'm coming. 45 00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:44,255 Oh, hell, no! 46 00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:47,342 -You're Hitch? -You got a problem with that? 47 00:07:47,509 --> 00:07:50,220 Please, I'm desperate. 48 00:07:51,096 --> 00:07:54,307 Even I can't help you, and I found Star Jones a husband. 49 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,233 Shit. Come on in. 50 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:06,736 Thanks for seeing me. I heard you're the best. 51 00:08:06,903 --> 00:08:08,530 You're goddamn right I'm the best! 52 00:08:08,697 --> 00:08:11,116 Look at all the couples I'm responsible for. 53 00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:13,535 You got Brad and Jen. 54 00:08:13,702 --> 00:08:14,869 Jessica and Nick. 55 00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:16,246 Ben and Gwyn. 56 00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:17,497 Ben and Jen. 57 00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:18,832 Ben and Jen. 58 00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,041 Ben and Matt. 59 00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:21,334 Whitney and Bobby. 60 00:08:21,501 --> 00:08:22,752 Kobe and Shaq. 61 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:24,170 Ellen and Anne. 62 00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:25,672 Yeah, I do them too. 63 00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:29,634 Well, there's this guy at the diner where I work. 64 00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,846 We had this moment. 65 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:34,389 What happened? 66 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:37,475 I turned around and he was gone. 67 00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:39,978 He probably got a good look at your mug and ran. 68 00:08:41,563 --> 00:08:46,109 Why don't we broaden the search from that one guy to just any nigga? 69 00:08:46,901 --> 00:08:48,737 -Okay. -Eight out of ten guys believe... 70 00:08:48,903 --> 00:08:52,991 ...the first kiss will tell them everything they need to know about a relationship. 71 00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:56,036 So before we get started, let's see what you got. 72 00:09:03,418 --> 00:09:05,587 Stinky. You got the dragon. 73 00:09:12,385 --> 00:09:14,137 You got a little something in there. 74 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:28,735 A whole wing? 75 00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:33,823 Extra crispy? Goddamn! 76 00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,388 Good gracious! 77 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:03,103 Off of me, trick! What are you, hungry? 78 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:12,695 I'm hopeless. 79 00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:17,951 I'm never gonna meet my Prince Charming. 80 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:19,828 I got it. 81 00:10:25,416 --> 00:10:28,294 -A reality dating show? -Says here you can meet your dream man. 82 00:10:30,171 --> 00:10:32,882 It also says you have to be beautiful. 83 00:10:33,550 --> 00:10:37,220 Well, you're beautiful-ish. 84 00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:40,682 Come on, Hitch. The only way I could get on that show... 85 00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,768 ...is if you magically turn me into a princess. 86 00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:47,730 Let's roll. 87 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:55,321 Yo, fellas. 88 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,412 Time to pimp her out. 89 00:12:16,778 --> 00:12:17,904 Hey, hey. 90 00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,578 -Yeah. -Yeah. 91 00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:05,618 Whoa, you officially pimped out. 92 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,627 All right, girl. Now you're good to go. 93 00:13:21,301 --> 00:13:22,385 Ladies, good evening. 94 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:26,556 And welcome to The Extreme Bachelor, Desperate Edition. 95 00:13:27,181 --> 00:13:28,975 By the end of tonight's episode... 96 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:32,770 ...one of you lucky ladies will be chosen by the bachelor... 97 00:13:32,937 --> 00:13:35,064 ...to go on a dream date. 98 00:13:35,898 --> 00:13:37,150 So let's meet him. 99 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:40,819 He's a doctor who gets a lot of tail. 100 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:46,159 Ladies, may I introduce the bachelor? 101 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:57,378 -Hi. Lovely to meet you. -Hi. 102 00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:58,713 Hello, I'm Grant. 103 00:13:58,880 --> 00:13:59,881 -Hi. -Hi. 104 00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,674 -I'm Grant. -Hi, Grant. 105 00:14:01,840 --> 00:14:02,884 Nice to meet you. 106 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,264 I'm Julia. 107 00:14:08,765 --> 00:14:10,266 Pleasure. 108 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,104 Now, Grant, the elimination round. 109 00:14:15,271 --> 00:14:18,733 Essentially nixing the girls you don't want to bang. 110 00:14:19,317 --> 00:14:20,943 Who's going to be eliminated? 111 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,881 Nice aim, Grant. Good eye. 112 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,896 Julia, will you accept this rose? 113 00:14:57,563 --> 00:14:58,856 Yes. 114 00:15:27,677 --> 00:15:29,470 Guys, congratulations. 115 00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:33,558 You have won a dinner for two at A Restaurant. 116 00:15:33,724 --> 00:15:35,601 A Restaurant! 117 00:15:39,313 --> 00:15:40,773 Thanks! 118 00:15:45,319 --> 00:15:47,405 Oh, yeah, that's it. 119 00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:49,824 Oh, God. 120 00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:54,328 Oh, yeah. 121 00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:56,998 Yeah. 122 00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:59,250 Yeah. 123 00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:00,960 Yes! 124 00:16:01,127 --> 00:16:03,171 Yes! 125 00:16:03,337 --> 00:16:05,298 Yes! 126 00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:07,341 Oh, yeah. 127 00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,260 Oh, yes! 128 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,970 Oh, yeah! 129 00:16:11,137 --> 00:16:14,849 Yes! Yes! Yes! 130 00:16:15,016 --> 00:16:18,227 Yes! Yes! Yes! 131 00:16:18,394 --> 00:16:22,565 Yes! Yes! Yes! 132 00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,196 Yes! Yes! 133 00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:31,157 Yes! 134 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:39,832 Oh, God. 135 00:16:40,458 --> 00:16:42,043 Gosh. 136 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,462 So you're saying you do want the pork chops? 137 00:16:44,629 --> 00:16:45,963 -Yes, please. -Okay. 138 00:16:46,130 --> 00:16:48,132 I'll have what he's having. 139 00:16:48,299 --> 00:16:50,384 So tell me about you. 140 00:16:50,551 --> 00:16:53,054 Oh, I'm just a waitress. 141 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:57,099 But I want to go to school to be a pastry chef. 142 00:16:57,266 --> 00:17:00,353 Oh, hi. My name is Julia Jones. 143 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:04,106 And for my admissions essay, I'm gonna show all of you at Harvard... 144 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:08,277 ...why I would make an amazing pastry chef. 145 00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:15,743 What a coincidence. 146 00:17:15,910 --> 00:17:17,662 I love pie. 147 00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:20,665 -I've gotta take you downtown for the best-- -Hummus pie? 148 00:17:20,831 --> 00:17:22,166 You've been there? 149 00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,962 That's actually my recipe. 150 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,839 But tell me more about you. 151 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,843 Like, what's your favorite love song? 152 00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:37,431 It's kind of corny. 153 00:17:37,598 --> 00:17:38,724 Oh, come on. 154 00:17:55,116 --> 00:17:56,200 You're that waitress. 155 00:17:58,661 --> 00:17:59,829 You've changed. 156 00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:03,833 Well, I was sort of going through a phase. 157 00:18:06,836 --> 00:18:08,921 I was downright ugly. 158 00:18:10,047 --> 00:18:11,966 I don't remember you ever being ugly. 159 00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:15,553 But I remember you. 160 00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:32,153 I can't explain it, but when I'm with you I just feel so alive. 161 00:18:32,820 --> 00:18:37,867 -Me too. -I just wanna scream and shout and.... 162 00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:40,536 Bum fight? 163 00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:47,168 Julia? 164 00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:51,464 Come on. 165 00:19:31,629 --> 00:19:33,047 Yes! 166 00:19:33,214 --> 00:19:35,216 Yes! 167 00:19:35,383 --> 00:19:37,468 Yes! 168 00:19:37,635 --> 00:19:39,345 Oh, yeah. 169 00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:46,811 That was amazing. 170 00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:48,396 It sure was. 171 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,865 She faked it, Grant. 172 00:20:00,950 --> 00:20:03,869 But I didn't. 173 00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:07,581 Meow. 174 00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:11,127 Meow. 175 00:20:46,036 --> 00:20:47,872 Oh, no, no, no! 176 00:20:52,877 --> 00:20:56,505 No, no, no! 177 00:20:56,672 --> 00:21:00,843 No! No! 178 00:21:15,900 --> 00:21:17,359 -Tingly. -Grant... 179 00:21:17,526 --> 00:21:20,738 ...how would you feel about meeting my parents? 180 00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:48,891 So, Grant... 181 00:21:49,809 --> 00:21:51,685 -...ever knock anyone up? -Mom. 182 00:21:51,852 --> 00:21:55,731 Well, I want many grandkids, and how do I know if he's shooting blanks or not? 183 00:22:00,402 --> 00:22:01,654 Bathroom's down the hall. 184 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:11,497 Just leave the sample on the counter. 185 00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:32,476 Sorry. 186 00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:35,855 That's Jinxers. 187 00:22:42,360 --> 00:22:44,446 Taught him how to do that. 188 00:23:17,688 --> 00:23:21,233 Julia told me your last name. How do you pronounce it? 189 00:23:21,399 --> 00:23:22,651 Just how it's spelled. 190 00:23:24,069 --> 00:23:27,656 F-U-N-K-Y-E-R-D-O-D-E-R. 191 00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,283 Funkyerdoder? 192 00:23:35,873 --> 00:23:39,877 -Allergic to cats? -No, no, I love cats. 193 00:23:40,044 --> 00:23:44,006 In fact, growing up on a farm, I once milked a cat. 194 00:23:45,507 --> 00:23:47,676 I got nipples, Grant. 195 00:23:47,843 --> 00:23:49,595 Can you milk me? 196 00:23:55,976 --> 00:23:58,436 May I say that's an exquisite vase? 197 00:23:58,604 --> 00:24:00,189 An ancient artifact, I presume. 198 00:24:00,356 --> 00:24:04,568 That's actually an urn containing the remains of Frank's mother. 199 00:24:07,279 --> 00:24:09,823 Well, I'm sure your mother would want to celebrate... 200 00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:12,952 ...that Julia finally applied to pastry school. 201 00:24:13,118 --> 00:24:16,538 -What? School? -Don't you want me to better myself? 202 00:24:16,705 --> 00:24:19,208 No! I want you to work at the diner until you die. 203 00:24:19,375 --> 00:24:21,543 Grant was just kidding. Right, Grant? 204 00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:26,632 No. 205 00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:29,259 No, no, no! 206 00:24:32,221 --> 00:24:34,014 Mama! 207 00:24:34,181 --> 00:24:36,058 -Mama! -Grandma. 208 00:24:37,977 --> 00:24:39,603 Jinxers. Jinxers, no. 209 00:24:40,980 --> 00:24:42,606 Grandma Jones. Oh, God. 210 00:24:42,773 --> 00:24:44,525 No. Jinxers, stop it. 211 00:24:44,692 --> 00:24:46,276 -Hey! -Jinxers. 212 00:24:46,443 --> 00:24:47,695 -Jinxers, no. -Oh, no, no. 213 00:24:47,861 --> 00:24:49,697 -No. -Jinxers, no. 214 00:24:49,863 --> 00:24:51,489 -Jinxers, no. -Oh, no. 215 00:24:51,657 --> 00:24:52,908 No! 216 00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:54,535 -Get off my mama! -Bad! 217 00:24:54,702 --> 00:24:55,703 Stop humping! 218 00:24:55,869 --> 00:24:57,621 -Bad kitty. -Please. 219 00:24:57,788 --> 00:25:01,417 -Jinxers! No. -I didn't teach him how to do that. 220 00:25:01,583 --> 00:25:03,585 -Jinxers! Bad cat! -God! 221 00:25:03,752 --> 00:25:06,547 Jinxers, no! 222 00:25:08,007 --> 00:25:09,008 Mama! 223 00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:11,509 That was a disaster. 224 00:25:11,677 --> 00:25:13,095 It wasn't that bad. 225 00:25:13,262 --> 00:25:15,681 You desecrated my grandmother's remains... 226 00:25:15,848 --> 00:25:17,599 ...and my father hates you. 227 00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:20,477 Why didn't you tell your parents about pastry school? 228 00:25:20,644 --> 00:25:24,273 I'm working my way up to it. I'm just waiting for the right time. 229 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,233 Julia, you're a grown woman. 230 00:25:27,109 --> 00:25:31,405 If you haven't noticed, my family is totally controlling. 231 00:25:31,572 --> 00:25:34,491 They meddle in every aspect of my life. 232 00:25:34,658 --> 00:25:38,620 Not to mention, no one in our family has ever dated outside of our culture. 233 00:25:38,787 --> 00:25:40,122 He reminds me of Webster. 234 00:25:40,289 --> 00:25:44,209 I just don't see how this could work between us. 235 00:25:44,376 --> 00:25:46,045 Look, so your family's difficult. 236 00:25:46,211 --> 00:25:47,921 Whose isn't? 237 00:25:48,088 --> 00:25:51,008 Until I met you, my life was boring. 238 00:25:51,175 --> 00:25:53,844 But you, you're smart... 239 00:25:54,011 --> 00:25:56,346 ...and interesting... 240 00:25:56,513 --> 00:25:58,682 ...and beautiful. 241 00:25:59,391 --> 00:26:01,602 I just want to be with you. 242 00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:05,064 Did you say I was beautiful? 243 00:26:06,273 --> 00:26:07,816 Come with me. 244 00:26:08,942 --> 00:26:10,568 It's just a little Jesus juice. 245 00:26:11,612 --> 00:26:13,405 Where are you taking me? 246 00:26:13,571 --> 00:26:15,657 -What are we...? -You'll see. 247 00:26:29,129 --> 00:26:30,380 Oh, my God. 248 00:26:31,381 --> 00:26:33,467 Oh, my God. 249 00:26:33,634 --> 00:26:34,927 Oh, my God. 250 00:26:38,639 --> 00:26:39,890 Oh, my God. 251 00:26:40,474 --> 00:26:42,810 Julia Jones... 252 00:26:42,976 --> 00:26:44,394 ...will you marry me? 253 00:26:45,813 --> 00:26:49,358 Yes, Grant Funkyerdoder, I will marry you. 254 00:27:01,078 --> 00:27:02,746 How much will you give me for this? 255 00:27:02,913 --> 00:27:05,415 No. No! 256 00:27:12,756 --> 00:27:14,842 -Fifty bucks. -Shit, that's it? 257 00:27:18,220 --> 00:27:20,889 But it will destroy all evil. 258 00:27:21,056 --> 00:27:23,517 Oh, screw off, wizard! 259 00:27:28,105 --> 00:27:33,152 My precious. 260 00:27:39,074 --> 00:27:41,702 Before you set the wedding date... 261 00:27:41,869 --> 00:27:43,412 ...I wanted to meet your parents. 262 00:27:44,246 --> 00:27:47,040 Because, frankly, I don't know much about you. 263 00:27:49,334 --> 00:27:52,171 I understand, homeboy. 264 00:27:57,926 --> 00:28:01,138 I'll be watching you. 265 00:28:01,305 --> 00:28:03,681 If you do anything to corrupt my daughter.... 266 00:28:03,849 --> 00:28:06,268 You'll bring me down to Chinatown? 267 00:28:07,019 --> 00:28:08,020 Chinatown? 268 00:28:08,187 --> 00:28:12,316 I'll take your bitch ass to 134th Street. 269 00:28:12,482 --> 00:28:14,860 Bust you in the head with a pipe. 270 00:28:18,405 --> 00:28:19,990 Hi, Little Jack. 271 00:28:20,824 --> 00:28:22,659 How come you have Betty's baby? 272 00:28:22,826 --> 00:28:24,995 She's at a swingers' convention this weekend... 273 00:28:25,162 --> 00:28:28,248 -...so we said we'd take care of him. -Oh, how nice. 274 00:28:28,415 --> 00:28:32,044 Betty's such a good mother. She's teaching Little Jack sign language. 275 00:28:32,211 --> 00:28:36,965 Oh, I heard about this. Real cutting-edge stuff. 276 00:28:39,259 --> 00:28:42,679 "What happens when the ho doesn't give up all the cash?" 277 00:28:45,891 --> 00:28:49,811 That's right, Little Jack. "Keep your pimp hand strong." 278 00:28:51,897 --> 00:28:53,523 Beeyotch. 279 00:28:53,690 --> 00:28:55,359 His first word! 280 00:28:55,525 --> 00:28:58,779 -Little Jack, what did you say? -Beeyotch. 281 00:29:09,957 --> 00:29:11,124 Is that your dad? 282 00:29:19,091 --> 00:29:20,092 Figures. 283 00:29:38,110 --> 00:29:39,778 Grant! 284 00:29:39,945 --> 00:29:41,280 My boy! 285 00:29:43,115 --> 00:29:44,825 It's good to see you. 286 00:29:44,992 --> 00:29:48,036 This is my fiancée, Julia. And her parents, Linda and Frank. 287 00:29:48,203 --> 00:29:50,914 Bernie Funkyerdoder. Pleased to meet all of you. 288 00:29:51,081 --> 00:29:52,708 Frank, give me some sugar. 289 00:29:52,874 --> 00:29:54,584 Put her there! 290 00:29:55,460 --> 00:29:56,670 All right, all right. 291 00:29:56,837 --> 00:29:59,423 -And this must be your little girl. -No, that's my wife. 292 00:29:59,589 --> 00:30:02,217 Wife? So young, so pretty. 293 00:30:02,968 --> 00:30:06,346 And you must be Julia. What a beautiful moment this is. 294 00:30:06,513 --> 00:30:09,891 So beautiful. Just beautiful. 295 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,603 Dad. Dad. 296 00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:16,064 What? We're all family now. 297 00:30:16,231 --> 00:30:17,566 I'll just go get the luggage. 298 00:30:17,733 --> 00:30:19,693 So, what was that you were doing back there? 299 00:30:19,860 --> 00:30:23,405 -I was just practicing Capuerta. -Capa-what? 300 00:30:23,572 --> 00:30:26,408 Capuerta, the Brazilian martial art of dance fighting. 301 00:30:26,575 --> 00:30:28,452 -Beeyotch. -I've been doing it for weeks. 302 00:30:29,995 --> 00:30:31,163 It keeps me level. 303 00:30:34,958 --> 00:30:36,543 Come on, let's go meet Roz. 304 00:30:39,546 --> 00:30:40,672 Roz! 305 00:30:40,839 --> 00:30:43,300 You're going to love her. Everybody, this is Roz. 306 00:30:49,014 --> 00:30:54,936 I've been kvelling to meet this meshuggenah goyim shiksa all day. 307 00:31:01,693 --> 00:31:03,695 So, Grant tells me you're a doctor. 308 00:31:03,862 --> 00:31:05,781 I'm a sex therapist. 309 00:31:05,947 --> 00:31:08,075 I specialize in teenage impotency. 310 00:31:09,242 --> 00:31:10,410 Who's thirsty? 311 00:31:10,994 --> 00:31:14,247 -Mum, no. -Oh, Grantulla's just embarrassed... 312 00:31:14,414 --> 00:31:17,292 ...because he lost his virginity to the housekeeper. 313 00:31:23,507 --> 00:31:25,050 Hey, Eduardo. 314 00:31:50,075 --> 00:31:51,827 Thanks, Eduardo. 315 00:31:55,956 --> 00:31:58,291 So is it Harry? 316 00:31:58,458 --> 00:32:00,627 -Is what hairy? -Your name. 317 00:32:00,794 --> 00:32:03,505 -No, no. It's Bernie. -Oh, no, but it is hairy. 318 00:32:03,672 --> 00:32:06,716 -What are you talking about? -Picture this with 4 pounds of hair. 319 00:32:06,883 --> 00:32:07,968 Oh, stop. 320 00:32:08,427 --> 00:32:10,762 So when's the big date? 321 00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,140 Well, we wanted a long engagement... 322 00:32:13,306 --> 00:32:15,517 ...so we're getting married this Sunday. 323 00:32:15,684 --> 00:32:17,727 Oh, hell, no. I'm not paying for that wedding. 324 00:32:17,894 --> 00:32:21,314 Oh, don't have a conniption, bubbelah. We'll pay for it. 325 00:32:21,481 --> 00:32:22,691 Of course. 326 00:32:22,858 --> 00:32:25,819 I got a great wedding planner. You'll meet her tomorrow morning. 327 00:32:25,986 --> 00:32:27,237 Let's have a toast. 328 00:32:27,404 --> 00:32:31,116 To great, big matzo balls. L'Chaim. 329 00:32:34,995 --> 00:32:36,371 I couldn't be happier. 330 00:32:37,539 --> 00:32:38,957 Thanks, Dad. 331 00:32:39,124 --> 00:32:41,168 Because Nicky has agreed to marry you. 332 00:32:52,679 --> 00:32:55,974 -Nicky. -Yeah. Good job. 333 00:32:56,141 --> 00:32:58,894 Looking good. Nice. 334 00:33:00,061 --> 00:33:05,233 Dad, my whole life I've had this dream... 335 00:33:05,400 --> 00:33:09,112 ...that a prince would someday come and rescue me. 336 00:33:09,279 --> 00:33:11,364 Grant is that guy. 337 00:33:11,531 --> 00:33:13,158 He's my prince. 338 00:33:13,867 --> 00:33:16,328 -And he's the one I'm gonna marry. -No. 339 00:33:17,162 --> 00:33:20,165 You'll never marry Grant. I don't trust him. 340 00:33:20,832 --> 00:33:22,042 You'll marry Nicky. 341 00:33:22,209 --> 00:33:26,129 You know, thinking about the honeymoon makes me, like, really horny. 342 00:33:26,296 --> 00:33:27,506 Like, a lot. 343 00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,849 Wow, you seem tense. 344 00:33:39,226 --> 00:33:40,393 When was the last time... 345 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:43,063 -...you and Frank were intimate? -It's been a while. 346 00:33:47,776 --> 00:33:49,152 It sure has. 347 00:33:50,529 --> 00:33:54,407 -Is that all you got? -Hold on. 348 00:33:55,909 --> 00:33:59,120 -How do you think it's going? -I think it's going really well. 349 00:33:59,287 --> 00:34:00,372 -You do? -Yeah. 350 00:34:00,539 --> 00:34:04,167 Everyone's getting along famously. Even our dads are hitting it off. 351 00:34:05,335 --> 00:34:07,879 Man, you might wanna put your shirt back on. 352 00:34:31,278 --> 00:34:32,487 Man. 353 00:34:48,378 --> 00:34:50,463 The wedding planner will see you now. 354 00:34:55,176 --> 00:34:56,261 I'm Jell-O. 355 00:34:56,970 --> 00:34:59,222 Please, have a seat. 356 00:35:02,517 --> 00:35:06,438 Now, I'm here to plan your dream wedding. 357 00:35:06,605 --> 00:35:08,898 So tell me what you want. 358 00:35:09,065 --> 00:35:11,901 Well, we want a traditional wedding. 359 00:35:12,068 --> 00:35:14,487 Something simple, yet elegant. 360 00:35:14,654 --> 00:35:16,698 Yo, I know exactly the place. 361 00:35:20,493 --> 00:35:22,078 Think outside my buns. 362 00:35:22,329 --> 00:35:25,498 It's not quite what we had in mind. 363 00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:27,626 That's the best I can do on short notice. 364 00:35:27,792 --> 00:35:30,587 You gotta book the caterer, pick a piñata... 365 00:35:30,754 --> 00:35:33,757 -...choose your best man. -I've already taken care of that. 366 00:35:33,923 --> 00:35:36,760 -My best mate, Andy, flew in this morning. -Andy? 367 00:35:36,926 --> 00:35:41,389 Yeah, we'll meet up at the hotel later. I think you two will hit it off tremendously. 368 00:35:41,556 --> 00:35:42,891 I can't wait. 369 00:35:43,058 --> 00:35:46,561 And I can't wait till you see who I booked for the entertainment. 370 00:36:01,660 --> 00:36:03,078 -No! -No! 371 00:36:10,960 --> 00:36:13,797 So where is this best man of yours? 372 00:36:13,963 --> 00:36:16,383 Andy! 373 00:36:26,643 --> 00:36:30,230 -Andy's not a guy? -A guy? Heavens, no. 374 00:36:48,456 --> 00:36:51,000 It's great we've remained so close... 375 00:36:51,167 --> 00:36:53,586 ...even after the engagement fell through. 376 00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:56,548 You two were engaged? 377 00:37:04,431 --> 00:37:05,515 Ages ago. 378 00:37:07,183 --> 00:37:09,394 It was more physical than anything, really. 379 00:37:15,859 --> 00:37:17,736 Just constant sex. 380 00:37:21,781 --> 00:37:22,824 Sex. 381 00:37:23,825 --> 00:37:25,285 Sex. 382 00:37:26,995 --> 00:37:28,705 Sex. Sex. Sex. 383 00:37:28,872 --> 00:37:30,957 Sex. Sex. Sex. 384 00:37:31,124 --> 00:37:32,917 Sex. Sex. Sex. 385 00:37:40,550 --> 00:37:44,804 So, you realized it just wasn't right? 386 00:37:44,971 --> 00:37:47,557 Well, she realized it wasn't right. 387 00:37:47,724 --> 00:37:49,559 She dumped me. 388 00:37:49,726 --> 00:37:51,603 Just wasn't ready to settle down. 389 00:38:13,541 --> 00:38:15,585 Why is she in slow motion? 390 00:38:15,752 --> 00:38:17,337 She likes to make an entrance. 391 00:38:19,422 --> 00:38:20,423 Grant! 392 00:38:29,891 --> 00:38:32,352 This is Julia. 393 00:38:35,772 --> 00:38:39,275 Oh, I have heard so much about you. 394 00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,904 Now, Grant told me how attractive you were... 395 00:38:43,071 --> 00:38:45,907 ...but he never mentioned you were flat-chested. 396 00:38:46,074 --> 00:38:48,076 How cute. 397 00:39:00,588 --> 00:39:04,926 Excuse me, while I get out of these wet clothes. 398 00:39:20,650 --> 00:39:22,443 So how did you two meet? 399 00:39:22,610 --> 00:39:24,195 We were in Beverly Hills. 400 00:40:02,692 --> 00:40:05,945 I'll give you $100 for the week. 401 00:40:06,112 --> 00:40:07,488 Sounds quite reasonable. 402 00:40:07,655 --> 00:40:10,992 Okay, this is just too weird. Can we dissolve back now? 403 00:40:11,159 --> 00:40:15,622 And so eventually you got engaged, and then you broke up ages ago. 404 00:40:15,788 --> 00:40:19,208 Sure, if you call three weeks "ages ago." 405 00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:23,046 You were engaged to her three weeks ago? 406 00:40:24,464 --> 00:40:27,800 Honestly, Julia, you have nothing to be jealous about. 407 00:40:28,301 --> 00:40:30,678 Just because I see Grant with another woman... 408 00:40:30,845 --> 00:40:33,181 ...doesn't mean I want him back. 409 00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:48,321 Finger sandwich? 410 00:40:50,657 --> 00:40:53,034 Okay, I'll go first. 411 00:40:53,451 --> 00:40:56,537 Let me say, we don't really need to be here. 412 00:40:56,704 --> 00:40:59,999 -See, we've been dating for five days. -Six. 413 00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:02,752 Five, six days. 414 00:41:03,086 --> 00:41:04,963 And this is like a check-up for us. 415 00:41:05,129 --> 00:41:08,049 There's this huge space between us... 416 00:41:08,216 --> 00:41:12,011 ...and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. 417 00:41:15,098 --> 00:41:16,599 How honest are you with him? 418 00:41:17,725 --> 00:41:19,477 Pretty honest. 419 00:41:19,644 --> 00:41:22,605 I mean, it's not like I lie to him or anything. 420 00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:25,400 I just.... 421 00:41:27,318 --> 00:41:30,071 I mean, I have little secrets. 422 00:41:30,238 --> 00:41:32,532 Everyone has secrets. 423 00:41:34,033 --> 00:41:36,160 I have Hepatitis C. 424 00:41:42,542 --> 00:41:44,585 How does that make you feel? 425 00:41:46,587 --> 00:41:48,589 I'm not sure, really. 426 00:41:50,967 --> 00:41:53,720 Let me clarify. I love Julia. 427 00:41:53,886 --> 00:41:58,141 I want her to be happy. 428 00:41:58,307 --> 00:42:01,060 I want good things for her. 429 00:42:01,853 --> 00:42:03,938 But there are times.... 430 00:42:21,039 --> 00:42:22,040 You know? 431 00:42:22,206 --> 00:42:25,126 When she's sleeping, just take a pillow and.... 432 00:42:39,307 --> 00:42:45,354 -Thanks for helping me pick out my dress. -To be honest, I was surprised you called. 433 00:42:45,521 --> 00:42:47,607 Well, you're a part of Grant's life. 434 00:42:47,774 --> 00:42:50,985 And that means you're a part of my life too. 435 00:42:51,903 --> 00:42:55,239 You look like a princess. 436 00:43:00,703 --> 00:43:03,081 You don't think it's a bit too much? 437 00:43:03,247 --> 00:43:05,083 Oh, not at all. 438 00:43:05,249 --> 00:43:07,502 I'll go get some pins to fit it. 439 00:43:35,321 --> 00:43:38,199 Why do you insist on dressing me in these fruity outfits? 440 00:43:38,366 --> 00:43:40,910 I'm gonna take this lollipop and shove it up your ass. 441 00:43:42,495 --> 00:43:44,664 I can hear everyone's thoughts! 442 00:43:44,831 --> 00:43:48,042 I love Puerto Rican men. They're spicy. 443 00:43:48,543 --> 00:43:52,088 It's like I'm trapped in a bad Mel Gibson movie. 444 00:43:52,255 --> 00:43:56,551 What the hell was I thinking? He's a freaking backup dancer. 445 00:43:57,093 --> 00:43:59,554 Dude, I married Britney Spears. 446 00:44:00,471 --> 00:44:01,556 I'm rich! 447 00:44:01,722 --> 00:44:05,101 I'm rich, beeyotch! Rich! 448 00:44:05,268 --> 00:44:07,019 Is the bride-to-be ready? 449 00:44:07,186 --> 00:44:09,105 Bride-to-be? Shit. 450 00:44:09,272 --> 00:44:10,773 Not if I can help it. 451 00:44:11,399 --> 00:44:13,776 I've got 24 hours to break up this wedding. 452 00:44:13,943 --> 00:44:15,027 No. 453 00:44:15,194 --> 00:44:16,195 Yes. 454 00:44:17,238 --> 00:44:20,158 I'll turn Grant against you and make him love me again. 455 00:44:20,324 --> 00:44:22,577 Me, me, me! 456 00:44:23,077 --> 00:44:24,745 Stay away from me. 457 00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:55,044 What is it now? 458 00:45:55,211 --> 00:45:59,799 Grant's got an ex-fiancée. And she has a thing for him, I just know it. 459 00:45:59,966 --> 00:46:02,510 And they have this long, romantic history. 460 00:46:03,302 --> 00:46:05,846 How can I measure up to that? 461 00:46:07,890 --> 00:46:09,642 You can't. She's fine as hell. 462 00:46:11,102 --> 00:46:12,937 I would tear that shit up! 463 00:46:13,854 --> 00:46:17,316 You know, everything was going so well until she turns up. 464 00:46:17,483 --> 00:46:20,403 Look, he's not with Andy anymore. He's with you. 465 00:46:20,569 --> 00:46:23,864 You gotta put aside your insecurities. It'll all work out. 466 00:46:24,031 --> 00:46:27,285 -Do you really believe that? -No. But my white customers do. 467 00:46:31,664 --> 00:46:33,916 Look, I believe in you and Grant. 468 00:46:34,083 --> 00:46:37,169 And before you know it, you'll be walking down the aisle. 469 00:46:37,420 --> 00:46:39,630 And saying our vows. 470 00:46:39,796 --> 00:46:42,008 And our first dance. 471 00:46:42,174 --> 00:46:44,927 Starting the fire. Starting the fire. Starting the fire. 472 00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:48,055 The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip. The Q-Tip. 473 00:46:48,222 --> 00:46:49,890 Throw it away. Throw it away. 474 00:46:50,057 --> 00:46:51,517 You call that dancing? 475 00:46:52,476 --> 00:46:53,602 No. 476 00:46:55,229 --> 00:46:58,815 You see this? This is where you live, right here. 477 00:46:58,983 --> 00:47:00,985 This is your home. 478 00:47:01,569 --> 00:47:03,154 Well, how about this? 479 00:47:11,203 --> 00:47:12,872 That bitch be krumping! 480 00:47:33,059 --> 00:47:34,352 It's okay. 481 00:47:34,518 --> 00:47:37,146 It's okay. She's never gonna break us up. 482 00:47:37,313 --> 00:47:40,358 Grant and I just have to get through the rehearsal dinner... 483 00:47:40,524 --> 00:47:43,277 ...and then tomorrow's the big day. 484 00:47:43,444 --> 00:47:47,698 Once we're married, everything will be perfect. 485 00:47:47,864 --> 00:47:48,949 Who are you kidding? 486 00:47:50,910 --> 00:47:54,038 Grant's never gonna marry you. You're not good enough. 487 00:47:54,205 --> 00:47:56,165 He's meant to be with Andy. 488 00:47:56,332 --> 00:47:58,376 -Don't say that! -This is who you really are. 489 00:48:01,379 --> 00:48:03,130 You're a frump girl. 490 00:48:03,672 --> 00:48:07,635 You may look different, but inside you'll always be me. 491 00:48:07,802 --> 00:48:09,512 No, please, stop. 492 00:48:10,179 --> 00:48:13,307 You'll be stuck in that diner till the end of time. 493 00:48:14,100 --> 00:48:16,102 I don't believe you. 494 00:48:18,354 --> 00:48:19,855 True love is a myth. 495 00:48:20,022 --> 00:48:22,066 You better hurry up and marry Nicky... 496 00:48:22,233 --> 00:48:24,652 ...before you end up a fat, dusty old maid. 497 00:48:24,819 --> 00:48:25,986 Never! 498 00:48:26,153 --> 00:48:27,446 You'll see. 499 00:48:36,580 --> 00:48:38,165 Quiet, everyone. Quiet. 500 00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:40,334 Roz has a few words to say. 501 00:48:40,501 --> 00:48:43,170 Oh, thank you, hon. 502 00:48:45,840 --> 00:48:48,217 I would like to make a toast. 503 00:48:48,717 --> 00:48:50,636 To Grant and Julia. 504 00:48:51,345 --> 00:48:53,806 Yeah! What? 505 00:48:53,973 --> 00:48:56,851 Okay! Get crunk! 506 00:48:57,017 --> 00:48:58,436 Get crunked! 507 00:49:20,374 --> 00:49:21,375 You like it? 508 00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:25,212 You look ravishing. 509 00:49:27,506 --> 00:49:29,467 What? What's wrong? 510 00:49:30,176 --> 00:49:35,431 Grant, your whole courtship has been rocky to say the least. 511 00:49:36,682 --> 00:49:41,061 I just hope you're not rushing into this marriage with Julia... 512 00:49:41,770 --> 00:49:44,690 ...as a way of getting over me. 513 00:49:45,357 --> 00:49:46,650 I.... 514 00:50:04,251 --> 00:50:06,002 Oh, dear God. 515 00:50:06,462 --> 00:50:07,463 A carousel. 516 00:50:11,050 --> 00:50:13,385 I.... I better get back. 517 00:50:22,102 --> 00:50:25,397 Grant, this is our rehearsal dinner. 518 00:50:25,564 --> 00:50:27,691 We're getting married tomorrow. 519 00:50:29,443 --> 00:50:32,613 I need to know, do you still have feelings for Andy? 520 00:50:33,656 --> 00:50:35,031 Of course not. 521 00:50:36,283 --> 00:50:37,743 I trust you. 522 00:50:37,910 --> 00:50:39,912 I just don't want to get hurt. 523 00:50:40,579 --> 00:50:42,289 You have nothing to worry about. 524 00:50:43,332 --> 00:50:45,041 I'm devoted to you. 525 00:50:45,834 --> 00:50:46,961 Forever. 526 00:50:48,462 --> 00:50:51,382 The moment I saw you 527 00:50:52,967 --> 00:50:56,595 Before I proposed to you 528 00:50:57,513 --> 00:51:00,558 We said a little prayer for you 529 00:51:02,142 --> 00:51:05,187 While combing my hair now 530 00:51:05,354 --> 00:51:08,691 You're wondering what's Under my dress now 531 00:51:08,857 --> 00:51:12,236 -We said a little prayer for you -We said a little prayer for you 532 00:51:12,403 --> 00:51:15,197 Forever, forever He gives you his heart 533 00:51:15,364 --> 00:51:16,490 And he loves you 534 00:51:16,657 --> 00:51:19,285 Forever and ever You'll never break up 535 00:51:19,451 --> 00:51:20,536 Divorce will cost you 536 00:51:20,703 --> 00:51:23,372 Together, together That's how it must be 537 00:51:23,539 --> 00:51:24,540 For this love story 538 00:51:24,707 --> 00:51:28,252 Screw Grant She must marry Nicky 539 00:51:30,379 --> 00:51:33,882 I really do love you, dear 540 00:51:34,049 --> 00:51:37,261 But Andy keeps whispering in his ear 541 00:51:37,428 --> 00:51:39,763 We'll say a little prayer for you 542 00:51:41,599 --> 00:51:43,809 Grant and I will get hitched 543 00:51:44,518 --> 00:51:47,896 If we survive my family And that scheming bitch 544 00:51:48,063 --> 00:51:51,150 We'll say a little prayer for you 545 00:51:51,317 --> 00:51:54,153 Forever, forever He gives you his heart 546 00:51:54,320 --> 00:51:55,613 And he loves you 547 00:51:55,779 --> 00:51:58,365 Forever and ever You'll never break up 548 00:51:58,532 --> 00:51:59,867 Divorce will cost you 549 00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:02,411 Together, together That's how it must be 550 00:52:02,578 --> 00:52:03,704 For this love story 551 00:52:03,871 --> 00:52:07,666 I have one night to stop this wedding 552 00:52:09,501 --> 00:52:11,712 My daughter get busy 553 00:52:11,879 --> 00:52:12,963 -Get busy -Get busy 554 00:52:13,129 --> 00:52:16,425 Just back that thing up 555 00:52:16,592 --> 00:52:19,720 He'll be true 556 00:52:19,887 --> 00:52:21,180 Please, love me too 557 00:52:21,347 --> 00:52:22,848 Answer his prayers 558 00:52:23,015 --> 00:52:25,017 Try position 22 559 00:52:25,184 --> 00:52:27,269 Getting your swerve on, baby 560 00:52:28,062 --> 00:52:29,480 Answer his prayers 561 00:52:29,647 --> 00:52:32,274 Forever, forever He gives you his heart 562 00:52:32,441 --> 00:52:33,525 And he loves you 563 00:52:33,692 --> 00:52:36,403 Forever and ever You'll never break up 564 00:52:36,570 --> 00:52:37,863 Divorce will cost you 565 00:52:38,030 --> 00:52:40,532 Together, together That's how it must be 566 00:52:40,699 --> 00:52:41,992 For this love story 567 00:52:42,158 --> 00:52:46,455 Will the ending be good or crappy? 568 00:53:06,433 --> 00:53:07,893 No! 569 00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:11,230 Not a zit on my wedding day. 570 00:53:11,397 --> 00:53:12,981 No. 571 00:53:38,214 --> 00:53:39,883 Where the hell is Julia? 572 00:53:41,802 --> 00:53:46,390 Grant, I wouldn't be your best man unless I told you this. 573 00:53:47,141 --> 00:53:49,017 Julia doesn't deserve you. 574 00:53:50,102 --> 00:53:51,478 Oh, come on. 575 00:53:51,645 --> 00:53:53,522 She's an hour late for her own wedding. 576 00:53:54,606 --> 00:53:58,110 Maybe she's got cold feet because she knows it's not right between you two. 577 00:54:01,488 --> 00:54:03,198 Do you ever think about us? 578 00:54:04,158 --> 00:54:07,119 -Yeah. -Me too. 579 00:54:10,956 --> 00:54:12,207 My grandmother's ring. 580 00:54:12,374 --> 00:54:15,210 She gave you this ring on her deathbed and made you promise... 581 00:54:15,377 --> 00:54:18,839 ...to give it to the woman you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. 582 00:54:19,006 --> 00:54:20,466 You gave it to me. 583 00:54:25,220 --> 00:54:26,722 My grandfather's toe ring. 584 00:54:26,889 --> 00:54:29,224 And didn't he give you this ring on his deathbed... 585 00:54:29,391 --> 00:54:33,020 ...and make you promise to give it to the woman you'd cherish forever? 586 00:54:34,104 --> 00:54:36,982 You gave that to me too. 587 00:54:38,108 --> 00:54:39,443 Julia-- 588 00:54:39,610 --> 00:54:42,362 She's just the rebound girl. 589 00:54:42,529 --> 00:54:46,325 I'm ready to take you back. Choose me. Marry me. 590 00:54:47,743 --> 00:54:52,331 Andy, I just don't feel the same way about you anymore. 591 00:54:52,498 --> 00:54:53,582 Julia's the one. 592 00:54:55,876 --> 00:54:58,294 Then one last kiss. 593 00:55:08,764 --> 00:55:10,015 Julia, no. 594 00:56:18,917 --> 00:56:21,837 Shut up! It's 4 in the morning! 595 00:56:22,004 --> 00:56:23,797 Asshole! 596 00:56:24,339 --> 00:56:26,758 Turn that crap off! 597 00:56:34,641 --> 00:56:37,686 I'm trying to watch Desperate Housewives. 598 00:56:39,021 --> 00:56:41,607 It's called an iPod, get one! 599 00:57:19,603 --> 00:57:20,938 Jinxers? 600 00:57:44,836 --> 00:57:46,380 Julia. 601 00:57:51,301 --> 00:57:53,762 Let's get you out of that funk. 602 00:58:06,692 --> 00:58:11,405 Julia, will you marry me? 603 00:58:15,158 --> 00:58:16,410 Please? 604 00:58:20,664 --> 00:58:23,208 -That was good, right? -Yeah. 605 00:58:24,126 --> 00:58:26,503 I know Nicky's a little rough around the edges... 606 00:58:27,170 --> 00:58:29,464 ...but give him a chance. 607 00:58:30,966 --> 00:58:34,553 You know, when your mother and I first got married we barely knew each other. 608 00:58:34,720 --> 00:58:36,430 I was a mail-order bride... 609 00:58:36,596 --> 00:58:38,598 ...could barely speak the English language. 610 00:58:39,224 --> 00:58:42,477 -Dad, you're from Jersey. -I'm trying to make a point here. 611 00:58:43,061 --> 00:58:45,313 At first, Linda and I couldn't get along. 612 00:58:45,480 --> 00:58:49,026 But we grew to understand and even respect each other. 613 00:58:49,901 --> 00:58:52,487 I'm proud to say we've been married for 30 years... 614 00:58:52,654 --> 00:58:56,575 ...and I have you and your sister to show for it. 615 00:58:57,242 --> 00:59:00,412 Now, maybe that's not the fairy tale you dream of... 616 00:59:00,579 --> 00:59:02,664 ...but that's real life. 617 00:59:03,373 --> 00:59:04,624 So, what do you say? 618 00:59:07,836 --> 00:59:10,714 I've been fooling myself all along. 619 00:59:10,881 --> 00:59:13,425 There is no Prince Charming. 620 00:59:14,051 --> 00:59:18,472 And true love is something that only exists in the movies. 621 00:59:21,850 --> 00:59:23,643 Okay, Dad. 622 00:59:23,810 --> 00:59:25,187 I'll marry Nicky. 623 00:59:27,731 --> 00:59:28,899 Back to work. 624 00:59:51,296 --> 00:59:52,297 You're crying. 625 00:59:54,174 --> 00:59:56,676 Tears of joy, Dad. 626 01:00:02,808 --> 01:00:05,268 Thanks, Frank. I'll take it from here. 627 01:00:07,938 --> 01:00:10,273 We are gathered here to join this man... 628 01:00:10,440 --> 01:00:13,652 ...and this woman in holy matrimony. 629 01:00:14,194 --> 01:00:18,198 Marriage is a contract that should not be taken lightly. 630 01:00:18,365 --> 01:00:22,828 It must be honored by two people who are truly in love. 631 01:01:26,016 --> 01:01:29,311 If anyone has any reason why these two should not be married... 632 01:01:29,477 --> 01:01:32,814 ...speak now or forever hold your peace. 633 01:01:43,992 --> 01:01:46,119 -I object. -Thank God. 634 01:01:50,999 --> 01:01:53,335 This isn't what you wanted. 635 01:01:54,127 --> 01:01:55,295 It's what I wanted. 636 01:01:56,796 --> 01:01:59,674 I was wrong about Grant. He's a good man. 637 01:01:59,841 --> 01:02:02,177 He even liked you when you were butt-ugly. 638 01:02:02,344 --> 01:02:04,346 -How do you--? -I saw it in your flashback. 639 01:02:04,512 --> 01:02:06,890 You and Grant were meant to be together. 640 01:02:07,057 --> 01:02:08,850 I don't know. 641 01:02:09,017 --> 01:02:10,393 You need to read this. 642 01:02:15,232 --> 01:02:16,566 My darling Julia, I'm sorry. 643 01:02:16,733 --> 01:02:18,610 So sorry. 644 01:02:18,777 --> 01:02:21,488 So very, very sorry. 645 01:02:22,364 --> 01:02:25,075 And yet "sorry" seems to be the hardest word to say. 646 01:02:25,992 --> 01:02:29,496 If you can ever forgive me, and you're ready to make that leap... 647 01:02:29,663 --> 01:02:32,457 ...I promise I'll be there to catch you. 648 01:02:32,624 --> 01:02:35,001 If you still love me the way I love you... 649 01:02:35,168 --> 01:02:38,380 ...then meet me where Meg Ryan met Tom Hanks. 650 01:02:38,546 --> 01:02:39,881 On the Internet? 651 01:02:40,048 --> 01:02:42,759 No, not in You've Got Mail, in Sleepless in Seattle. 652 01:02:43,677 --> 01:02:47,806 Right. The observation deck of the Empire State Building. 653 01:02:47,973 --> 01:02:49,224 But how do I get there? 654 01:02:49,391 --> 01:02:52,435 I'll MapQuest directions and IM it to your BlackBerry. 655 01:02:52,602 --> 01:02:55,563 But I only have a T-Mobile Sidekick. 656 01:02:55,730 --> 01:02:57,607 You can borrow my Treo 650. 657 01:02:59,943 --> 01:03:02,487 How about we just meet where we had our first date? 658 01:03:02,654 --> 01:03:04,239 A Restaurant? 659 01:03:04,406 --> 01:03:06,741 But that's way uptown. Traffic's a nightmare. 660 01:03:07,867 --> 01:03:09,828 The rooftop of your apartment building? 661 01:03:09,995 --> 01:03:11,955 Okay, great. 662 01:03:13,081 --> 01:03:14,958 This issue's six months old. 663 01:03:15,125 --> 01:03:16,668 I hope he's still waiting. 664 01:03:16,835 --> 01:03:18,920 He'd be a fool not to wait for my daughter. 665 01:03:19,087 --> 01:03:22,257 -Go get him, baby. -Thanks, Dad. 666 01:03:44,237 --> 01:03:46,031 Taxi, taxi! 667 01:03:46,197 --> 01:03:47,198 Taxi! 668 01:03:53,121 --> 01:03:54,831 Let's go, someone! 669 01:03:54,998 --> 01:03:55,999 Someone, please help! 670 01:03:56,166 --> 01:03:58,626 Trick, you getting on my nerves. 671 01:03:58,793 --> 01:04:00,587 I need to get across town fast. 672 01:04:09,971 --> 01:04:11,056 I owe you. 673 01:04:11,222 --> 01:04:13,892 Damn straight! I'm Hitch, bitch. 674 01:04:49,928 --> 01:04:52,138 Come on. Open up. 675 01:05:00,522 --> 01:05:01,815 Please. 676 01:05:01,981 --> 01:05:04,150 Oh, please. 677 01:05:44,941 --> 01:05:46,526 He's mine! 678 01:05:47,777 --> 01:05:49,946 Keep your damn hands off my man. 679 01:06:17,390 --> 01:06:18,975 I'm too late. 680 01:06:20,351 --> 01:06:21,895 Julia! 681 01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:38,119 What happens after the prince rescues the princess? 682 01:06:38,786 --> 01:06:41,206 She rescues him right back. 683 01:06:42,123 --> 01:06:44,667 You make me want to be a better man. 684 01:06:45,960 --> 01:06:47,921 You had me at hello. 685 01:06:48,630 --> 01:06:52,967 I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy... 686 01:06:53,134 --> 01:06:55,970 ...asking him to love her. 687 01:07:36,302 --> 01:07:39,430 What? I'm also an ordained minister. 688 01:07:46,688 --> 01:07:50,984 By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. 689 01:07:51,150 --> 01:07:52,777 Show her some love, man. 690 01:08:13,881 --> 01:08:15,592 Bravo! 691 01:08:41,993 --> 01:08:43,578 Julia. 692 01:08:44,245 --> 01:08:46,164 This is for you. 693 01:08:50,668 --> 01:08:52,962 It's a vaginal thermometer. 694 01:08:54,464 --> 01:08:57,175 It lets you know when you're ovulating. 695 01:08:57,342 --> 01:08:59,344 It's been in our family for generations. 696 01:08:59,510 --> 01:09:02,847 And if you want to keep it our lucky thermometer, don't ever wash it. 697 01:09:09,187 --> 01:09:10,521 -Julia. -Dad. 698 01:09:13,441 --> 01:09:15,985 You're gonna have to find a new waitress. 699 01:09:16,944 --> 01:09:18,363 It's about time. 700 01:09:25,119 --> 01:09:26,454 Come here. 701 01:09:28,915 --> 01:09:30,249 Hey. 702 01:09:31,125 --> 01:09:32,919 Take care of my daughter. 703 01:09:35,505 --> 01:09:37,507 All right. 704 01:09:37,674 --> 01:09:40,927 Goodbye! Best of luck. 705 01:09:52,689 --> 01:09:55,983 Hey, is it too late to crash the Funkyerdoder wedding? 706 01:09:57,360 --> 01:09:58,361 Bye. 707 01:09:58,528 --> 01:10:01,280 And we lived happily ever after. 708 01:10:02,615 --> 01:10:06,160 But not before we went on our honeymoon to romantic Kong Island. 709 01:10:21,384 --> 01:10:24,846 Help! Please, help me! 710 01:10:32,895 --> 01:10:34,313 Help! 711 01:10:34,480 --> 01:10:36,482 Keep the camera rolling. 712 01:10:36,649 --> 01:10:38,484 Oh, God. 713 01:10:38,651 --> 01:10:42,071 Help! Please. 714 01:10:44,782 --> 01:10:47,493 No. No. 715 01:10:53,291 --> 01:10:54,667 Carmen Electra. 716 01:10:54,834 --> 01:10:58,004 Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra! 717 01:10:58,171 --> 01:11:01,591 Carmen Electra! Carmen Electra! 718 01:11:01,758 --> 01:11:04,177 That feels kind of good. 719 01:11:04,343 --> 01:11:06,012 A little kinky. 720 01:11:08,055 --> 01:11:10,767 Oh, yeah. 721 01:11:14,729 --> 01:11:16,272 I like hairy boys. 722 01:11:40,713 --> 01:11:42,924 Yes! Yes! 723 01:11:45,760 --> 01:11:46,844 Yes! 724 01:11:47,011 --> 01:11:48,304 Yes! 725 01:11:48,471 --> 01:11:49,764 Beautiful. 726 01:11:49,931 --> 01:11:51,224 Yes, drink it. 727 01:11:51,390 --> 01:11:53,935 Tell you, you're gonna love that. 728 01:11:54,101 --> 01:11:56,979 Is that Cos' hand on your booty? 729 01:12:01,859 --> 01:12:03,444 Cut it. 730 01:12:05,238 --> 01:12:07,073 I'm kind of an amateur tennis player... 731 01:12:07,240 --> 01:12:09,742 ...and I was playing and it was a drizzly day... 732 01:12:09,909 --> 01:12:13,830 ...and Roz came down and volunteered to hold my balls and keep them dry. 733 01:12:13,996 --> 01:12:15,790 -His balls-- -We got rained out anyway. 734 01:12:15,957 --> 01:12:18,918 His balls are always wet, whether it's raining or not. 735 01:12:30,680 --> 01:12:33,474 Hey, is it too late for one more parody? 736 01:12:34,934 --> 01:12:40,106 It's on the Hudson with breathtaking views of the skyline. 737 01:12:41,816 --> 01:12:43,693 Yeah! What? 738 01:12:43,860 --> 01:12:45,278 Okay! 739 01:12:45,444 --> 01:12:46,737 Get crunk! 740 01:12:46,904 --> 01:12:49,532 We say a little prayer for you. 741 01:13:18,352 --> 01:13:19,520 Infantilism. 742 01:14:36,514 --> 01:14:38,808 How often do you have sex? 743 01:14:39,350 --> 01:14:41,143 I don't understand the question. 744 01:14:41,310 --> 01:14:43,562 I mean, it's a PG-13 movie. 745 01:14:43,729 --> 01:14:47,316 We're limited to very mild sexual content. 746 01:14:47,483 --> 01:14:49,819 Above the waist... 747 01:14:50,653 --> 01:14:54,448 -...over the shirts, no tongues. -No tongue. 748 01:14:54,615 --> 01:14:56,742 How about this week? 749 01:14:59,537 --> 01:15:01,080 A hundred and twenty-seven. 52813

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