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1
00:00:24,640 --> 00:00:28,400
I said not cheese and pickle.
I just heard "Cheese and pickle."
2
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:32,000
Ashley, when ordering
an item of cuisine, the word "not"
3
00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,480
is a vital component.
Why are you smiling?
4
00:00:34,520 --> 00:00:37,720
It's the sandwich man.
He's gorgeous. I got his number.
5
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:40,520
I'm looking at him.
"A BLT and a cheese and pickle."
6
00:00:40,560 --> 00:00:43,920
Ashley, I don't know him, never
met him, don't know him from Adam.
7
00:00:43,960 --> 00:00:47,720
But I can tell you now, that bloke
who works in a scabby sandwich shop
8
00:00:47,760 --> 00:00:49,440
on a fucking industrial estate
is not gorgeous.
9
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:53,240
You're doing it again.Yeah.
I'd surmise, that distraction
10
00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:55,320
is why I've now ended up with a
fucking cheese and pickle sandwich.
11
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:58,360
In't it?It would be, yeah.
It would be. I'm having yours.
12
00:00:58,400 --> 00:01:00,440
Ohh.
Don't defy me, Ashley...
13
00:01:00,480 --> 00:01:02,680
You are not having that...
14
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:06,320
Targets one o'clock.
15
00:01:06,360 --> 00:01:08,400
Hello, gentlemen...
16
00:01:08,440 --> 00:01:11,840
Myself and, oh... Marcus.
Hello.
17
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:14,200
Er, myself and my colleague here,
Mr Jennings,
18
00:01:14,240 --> 00:01:18,040
are conducting a short survey to
ascertain whether workers
19
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:22,600
might enjoy a, er, a cafe-cum-bar
being erected here on site
20
00:01:22,640 --> 00:01:25,160
for your refreshments,
you know, your luncheon...
21
00:01:25,200 --> 00:01:27,040
Luncheon.
Post work.
22
00:01:27,080 --> 00:01:30,080
Post work. It's only five questions,
multiple choice.
23
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:34,520
Would you be so obliged to get
on board with it?
24
00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:43,400
I'm getting fucked, like you did,
Marcus, and it's amazing.
25
00:01:43,440 --> 00:01:46,120
You cheating fucking bastard.
26
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:47,640
Question one, quick fire.
(PHONE RINGS)
27
00:01:47,680 --> 00:01:50,080
Do you like Caffrey's,
yes, no, maybe?
28
00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:53,600
Hello?Tommo, it's Liz here,
Sugar's mum.
29
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:55,320
What? I'm with a client.
30
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,200
Sorry, it's just that
there's someone in here,
31
00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:00,840
at the pub,
looking for Thomas Shaftner
32
00:02:00,880 --> 00:02:03,080
and it turns out that's you.
33
00:02:03,120 --> 00:02:05,600
What's he look like?
Is he big? Does he look dangerous?
34
00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:09,480
No, he's young and he knows that
you own The Rat and Cutter.
35
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:13,120
But don't worry, I didn't tell him
that duck had sailed. (QUACKS)
36
00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:14,520
(LAUGHS)
37
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:17,320
Anyway, he says he wants to talk
to you about something important.
38
00:02:17,360 --> 00:02:20,280
Well, that's annoyingly
fucking vague, in't it?
39
00:02:20,320 --> 00:02:22,080
If it helps, he's German.
40
00:02:22,120 --> 00:02:25,040
German, young, I mean...
That's literally nobody I know...
41
00:02:25,080 --> 00:02:29,080
I tell you what, right...
tell him I'll be back in an hour.
42
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:31,440
If it's important,
he can wait, can't he?
43
00:02:31,480 --> 00:02:33,880
Oi, dickheads, come on.
Mop up, we're off.
44
00:02:33,920 --> 00:02:36,360
Ashley!
45
00:02:36,400 --> 00:02:40,640
# The best things in life are free
46
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,480
# But you can give them
to the birds and bees...
47
00:02:42,520 --> 00:02:44,400
Here he is. Oi.
48
00:02:44,440 --> 00:02:45,760
Thomas, come here.
What?
49
00:02:45,800 --> 00:02:47,680
Listen to this shit.
Hmm.
50
00:02:47,720 --> 00:02:51,440
I'm buying a fucking Mine Sweeper.
Cheap as chips. Bloody Mine Sweeper.
51
00:02:51,480 --> 00:02:54,120
You know the bunker?Yeah.
Gonna turn it into a weed grow.
52
00:02:54,160 --> 00:02:56,480
Deal with it.I will.
Deal with it.Ashley.
53
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,880
Brandy and coke, mate.
Deal with it more.
54
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,480
I'll tell you what...
You're a piece of work.
55
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:12,680
So... I hear you're looking for me.
Thomas?
56
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:17,280
Ah, technically, yeah, Tommo.
Hans Fischer.Oh, alright, yeah.
57
00:03:17,320 --> 00:03:20,720
Oh, sorry, erm... I'm overwhelmed.
58
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:22,840
Right, yes,
I have that effect on people.
59
00:03:22,880 --> 00:03:24,560
You're a bit young for me, though.
60
00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,200
So, er... what can I do you for?
61
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:31,160
Thomas... I know this will
come as a shock to you...
62
00:03:31,200 --> 00:03:33,640
Alright...
But...
63
00:03:33,680 --> 00:03:36,600
I'm your son.
64
00:03:36,640 --> 00:03:39,120
(LAUGHS)
65
00:03:39,160 --> 00:03:42,640
What?
You're my father.
66
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:47,640
I've imagined this moment
for so many years.Oh. OK, alright.
67
00:03:47,680 --> 00:03:51,760
What's going on over there?
Yeah, alright, there we go.
68
00:03:51,800 --> 00:03:54,360
Who's that?
He's a big handsome cunt.
69
00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,920
He'll have nowt to do with him.
Yes, very good.
70
00:03:56,960 --> 00:03:58,640
I think you might be confused
71
00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:02,720
because I can't help but noticing
that you are a fully grown man.
72
00:04:02,760 --> 00:04:06,400
And significantly German....
German, right, yeah.
73
00:04:06,440 --> 00:04:09,400
As much as I'm a man of the world,
I've never had any dalliances...
74
00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:14,720
Veronica Fischer is my mother.
Foreign exchange student, 2004.
75
00:04:14,760 --> 00:04:17,560
See?
76
00:04:19,880 --> 00:04:21,400
Oh...my God.
77
00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:25,360
Mum says one time there was
no condom and you said,
78
00:04:25,400 --> 00:04:28,320
"Risk it for a biscuit."
79
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,840
Well, here I am - the biscuit.
80
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:43,280
He's got a fucking rucksack.
Thinks he's staying at my house.
81
00:04:43,320 --> 00:04:46,200
He wants you in his life, Tommo.
82
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:48,600
Why? What the fuck is he playing at?
Yeah?
83
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,920
With his fucking surprise surprise
Cilla Black
84
00:04:50,960 --> 00:04:53,320
from Dusseldorf mission
to find your dad.
85
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:56,920
Eh?He's your boy, Tommo -
there's nothing more likely to cause
86
00:04:56,960 --> 00:05:00,200
a fucked up adult than an absent
father. Look around you.
87
00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:03,920
Him, her, her, you, all totally
and utterly fucked up.
88
00:05:03,960 --> 00:05:07,040
Thanks, Carol.Do you want that
for your boy, do you?
89
00:05:07,080 --> 00:05:10,640
Well, ob... obviously not, Carol,
but it's not ideal.Yeah, exactly.
90
00:05:10,680 --> 00:05:12,400
So, you need to make a bond
with him
91
00:05:12,440 --> 00:05:15,080
and learn how to bring him
into your life. We'll help,
92
00:05:15,120 --> 00:05:18,320
but you cannot be
shirking your responsibilities...
93
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,520
You should take him
to Tinsley tonight.
94
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:24,480
Oh, great idea, Erin, yes,
a regional pub hypnotist.
95
00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:26,600
A lovely way to increase
a family bonding.
96
00:05:26,640 --> 00:05:29,840
Police, don't move! (LAUGHS)
97
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:32,040
Fucking Three-Eyed Pete.
Dickhead. What?
98
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,640
Mine Sweeper, and I'll chuck
in the megaphone for 20 quid.
99
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:38,880
Get in shagging pub! What would
I need a bloody megaphone for?
100
00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,800
Come here, you scruffy cunt.
You're fucking late.
101
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:48,280
Better work that. I swear to fucking
giddy Aunt. Get in here...
102
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:51,920
I want to know everything about you.
There is so much to catch up on.
103
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:56,280
Tell me all, start to finish.
Like what?
104
00:05:56,320 --> 00:06:02,280
Are your parents still alive,
my grandparents?Er, foster parents.
105
00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:05,560
Er, Leo and Margaret.
Over in Crossley Mere.
106
00:06:05,600 --> 00:06:06,800
Perfectly nice
people in their own way,
107
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:10,440
but, alas, their way is not my way,
so we don't speak.
108
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:12,000
I would love to meet them.
109
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:14,200
Unless you're
into Westerns or The Daily Mail,
110
00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,680
there's very little to discover.
111
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:19,040
Oh, I love Westerns.
Do you have any other children?
112
00:06:19,080 --> 00:06:23,000
My brothers and sisters?Well, er...
Not that I know of.
113
00:06:23,040 --> 00:06:28,800
Wife, girlfriend?No, no, no, I am
currently, as they say, celibataire.
114
00:06:28,840 --> 00:06:32,360
Which is French for single.
Like me.
115
00:06:35,440 --> 00:06:38,520
You into all that then?
Fitness game.
116
00:06:38,560 --> 00:06:41,520
Oh, it's my life.
Me and my friends at home,
117
00:06:41,560 --> 00:06:46,800
we have the saying...
Don't wish for it, work for it.
118
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:52,160
You probably got that from me...
Yeah, I'm very driven,
119
00:06:52,200 --> 00:06:56,240
more in a business sense
than exercise. Go on, dig in.
120
00:06:56,280 --> 00:07:02,320
But, er, you are looking at this
region's premier entertainment guru.
121
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:06,760
I keep a modest home, obviously,
but, er, most funds get folded
122
00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:09,680
back into the empire,
so, erm, mind them black bits.
123
00:07:09,720 --> 00:07:12,480
Mum is good with money too,
so I should have good genes.
124
00:07:12,520 --> 00:07:16,200
Oh, yeah...She's a financial
advisor - in Hanover.
125
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,720
"Han over your cash..."
126
00:07:19,760 --> 00:07:22,000
No, no, that's, er...
127
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:25,800
that's actually what first attracted
me to her, a very clever girl.
128
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:29,680
And of course - horny.
129
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:31,920
So..
130
00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:35,400
at least you can say you
were born of good sex.
131
00:07:35,440 --> 00:07:37,120
Yes, a cowgirl as I remember.
132
00:07:37,160 --> 00:07:42,520
Which should be of interest to you
as a Western fan.
133
00:07:42,560 --> 00:07:45,560
It's good to know.
134
00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:53,720
Do you... like... pub hypnotists?
135
00:07:56,640 --> 00:07:58,920
Show me that finger.
136
00:07:58,960 --> 00:08:00,520
You know what that finger can do.
137
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:04,520
That finger is a magic finger...
138
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:09,840
You touch anyone here
and they will fall into hypnosis...
139
00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:13,120
OK, give it a whirl.
140
00:08:15,520 --> 00:08:18,080
Come on, how about that?
141
00:08:19,440 --> 00:08:21,920
German, is it?
Right, Jim.
142
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,600
I'm not gonna start on him about
the fucking war.Right, shush then!
143
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,960
It's not his fault his ancestors
were all fucking Nazis.
144
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,080
Forgive and forget is what I say.
145
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:37,680
Well, not forgive. Or forget.
146
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:41,800
He alone who owns the youth
gains the future.
147
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:44,360
Sorry. He's a... He's a mad cunt.
148
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,400
Fucking arsehole.
149
00:08:46,440 --> 00:08:53,920
But what happens if you touch
your own head with the finger?
150
00:08:56,880 --> 00:08:59,560
Silly bugger's done it.
151
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:01,560
What are we gonna do now?
152
00:09:01,600 --> 00:09:04,720
Not bad, is it?You should hire
this guy, for one of your clubs.
153
00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:06,960
I should, should absolutely, yeah.
154
00:09:07,000 --> 00:09:10,800
What clubs are them, Tommo?You know
which clubs those are, Erin.
155
00:09:10,840 --> 00:09:14,120
Those are the many clubs,
bars and dining establishments
156
00:09:14,160 --> 00:09:19,560
which I own and manage, Right,
on that note, I'm going for a piss.
157
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,520
I need a strapping man
from the audience
158
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:27,040
to come up and help lift these
poor hypnotised souls...Me.
159
00:09:27,080 --> 00:09:30,560
He's handsome, yeah, come on.
Come up.
160
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,440
Go on, Hans!
161
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:39,880
Wrong bathroom.
Why fucking lie to him?
162
00:09:39,920 --> 00:09:41,960
How am I lying to him, Erin?
163
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:45,480
Saying you're successful,
run The Rat and Cutter.
164
00:09:45,520 --> 00:09:48,560
Well, the last time I checked,
I was quite successful.
165
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:51,040
More so than someone
who let her dickhead brother...
166
00:09:51,080 --> 00:09:53,640
Here we fucking go!
Run off with McCann's money
167
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:57,920
and had to do a moonlight flit
to fucking deepest darkest Wales.
168
00:09:57,960 --> 00:10:01,360
You fucking wanker, you fucking
wanker. He's your fucking son!
169
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:05,360
You're already fucking lying to him.
I'm trying to impress him.
170
00:10:05,400 --> 00:10:07,320
Aren't I, eh?
171
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:11,880
So telling a few white lies,
about how high-flying his dad is,
172
00:10:11,920 --> 00:10:14,760
he goes all warm and fuzzy inside
and then in a few days,
173
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,040
he fucks off
back to Frankfurt or wherever
174
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,200
and it's happily ever after
for all of us, in't it?No.
175
00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:25,240
You tell him the truth
and you tell him what you are.
176
00:10:25,280 --> 00:10:28,320
And what am I, Erin?
177
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:32,080
A dickhead with a fuck truck.
178
00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:36,680
That is a mobile erotic parlour.Get
your finger out of my fucking face.
179
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:39,000
And if you hadn't have thrown me
out of my own club,
180
00:10:39,040 --> 00:10:42,840
by now I would be Hawley's answer
to Hugh fucking Hefner.
181
00:10:42,880 --> 00:10:49,160
He's my son, Erin, and I'll tell him
what he wants to hear.
182
00:10:50,480 --> 00:10:54,040
Quack quack duck. Quack quack duck.
183
00:10:54,080 --> 00:10:55,840
They are doing it!
184
00:10:55,880 --> 00:11:01,000
How the fuck can he be mine?
Quack quack duck.
185
00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,080
Come on, you lot.
186
00:11:03,120 --> 00:11:06,120
This is gonna blow
your fucking mind, sweetheart.
187
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:09,400
I want to show you my club,
right, because there's a feeling,
188
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:11,240
amongst some there this evening,
189
00:11:11,280 --> 00:11:14,840
that I might have been misleading
you about its current status...
190
00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:23,200
It's closed, right?
Yeah.
191
00:11:23,240 --> 00:11:26,960
So... did it... fail?
Fail?
192
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,760
Fucking hell,
you're joking, aren't you?
193
00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:35,200
No, this... this is what you might
call a renovation project.
194
00:11:35,240 --> 00:11:38,280
Hundreds of thousands of pounds
of investor funding
195
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:41,840
are being funnelled
into the place before you now.
196
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:49,360
Avanti.
197
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:51,400
Let me show you my vision.
198
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,920
I wouldn't touch that.
Want hepatitis?
199
00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:59,320
Fucking hell... A-hah! Voila.
200
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:02,240
So, as you can see, at present
it's very much an empty shell
201
00:12:02,280 --> 00:12:06,840
but - with a bit of vision -
it will morph from this caterpillar
202
00:12:06,880 --> 00:12:10,680
into a sexy butterfly of fun
and debauchery.
203
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:13,080
You should make it a gig venue.
Hmm.
204
00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:20,920
The music from England, I've always
loved it, Smiths, The Stone Roses...
205
00:12:22,440 --> 00:12:25,960
Maybe cos Mum said you were from
here, I've always been drawn to it.
206
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:29,680
Mani, from the Stone Roses, made me
pick up a guitar for the first time.
207
00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,000
Well, Three-Eyed Pete actually
used to be his roadie, so...
208
00:12:33,040 --> 00:12:34,320
Three-Eyed... Pete?
209
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:36,000
Three-Eyed Pete,
he's a sort of friend.
210
00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:37,560
I say friend, he's a pe-nis.
211
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:40,160
Is someone here?
Shouldn't be, should they!
212
00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:44,440
On my premises, unless it's the
cleaner, so that might be the case.
213
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:48,560
We should look.
Er... no. Yes. Yes. Yeah, alright.
214
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:52,520
Well, you stay here - I don't want
you getting hurt, you know.
215
00:12:52,560 --> 00:12:57,800
No way. I've only just found you.
I'm not having you killed.
216
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,840
Just stay behind me.
217
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:08,400
Come on.
This is my blue rooms, by the way,
218
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,720
for exclusive clientele
and that.
219
00:13:10,760 --> 00:13:13,560
It's nice.
220
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,800
Ahahargh.
221
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,680
Someone's sleeping here.
No. No.
222
00:13:21,720 --> 00:13:23,760
Let's go...
Someone's sleeping here.
223
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:27,480
Get back cos I'm gonna deal wi' it.
224
00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:30,880
Excuse... Excuse me, excuse me..
225
00:13:30,920 --> 00:13:32,880
Wake up, we're not gonna hurt yer.
226
00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:36,080
What the fuck are you doing
in my club!Argh! Your, your club?
227
00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:38,440
No, it used to be your club, Glen.
228
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,200
But now it's my club. Poor
deluded bastard, he is a drinker.
229
00:13:45,240 --> 00:13:48,920
My club, Tommo - ask Kenny Diamond.
I'll tell you what, you go upstairs.
230
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:50,760
Get him a whisky.
I do not need a whisky.
231
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:54,440
Right, the optics are open, he'll
enjoy it. Won't you, love, eh?
232
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:59,680
It's fine, we'll sort this, eh?
What are you staring at, sweetheart?
233
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:02,760
What the fuck's this Kenny Diamond
shit? The council closed this down.
234
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,360
And now they're allowing it
open again. Kenny greased palms.
235
00:14:06,400 --> 00:14:10,240
He's the licensee and he's promised
me the lease.You, you?
236
00:14:10,280 --> 00:14:11,640
Glen Glenson is back, Tommo,
237
00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:15,000
and all those who wrote him off
can...Shut up, you fucking turd.
238
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,080
And I want your fucking keys back.
Agh.
239
00:14:17,120 --> 00:14:22,040
It's so sad, that boy's
had to grow up, all his childhood,
240
00:14:22,080 --> 00:14:27,400
not knowing his father.And when
he finds him, it's fucking Tommo.
241
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,600
(BOTH LAUGH)
242
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:32,640
No, but, seriously,
boys need their dads,
243
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,680
like if this little guy
was to come out
244
00:14:34,720 --> 00:14:38,160
and you weren't in his life,
that'd break my heart.
245
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,760
You know he'd be fine.
246
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:45,760
What? Look, I'm just saying, right,
if I wasn't in this boy's life,
247
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,760
wouldn't know the difference.
No, in this podcast,
248
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:52,040
they were saying that evolutionary
theory believes that babies
249
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:56,360
come out looking like their dad
so the father takes responsibility
250
00:14:56,400 --> 00:14:58,360
instead of pissing off
and running away.
251
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,800
Yeah.
You'd better not do that.
252
00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:03,960
That hurt, actually. Oh, Jesus.
253
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:06,120
That even more. You.
254
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:08,400
Listen to me,
if you don't look like me,
255
00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:09,840
I am gonna piss off.
256
00:15:09,880 --> 00:15:12,720
Don't tell him that,
he might get upset.
257
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,280
He's in bloody amniotic fluid
in the womb,
258
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:18,520
with no concept of language,
you know.
259
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:32,080
(CLUB MUSIC)
260
00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:50,280
This is Kenny.
Leave a message.Kenny.
261
00:15:50,320 --> 00:15:53,440
It's Tommo. We need to speak, mate.
262
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,480
Urgent.
263
00:16:09,240 --> 00:16:11,920
'Good morning.'
Give over.
264
00:16:11,960 --> 00:16:14,520
It's got a repeat. 'Good morning.'
265
00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:17,080
Glenson's back and he thinks
he's opening that club.
266
00:16:17,120 --> 00:16:20,680
I've got three words for him, Vin,
over my dead, four, in't it, body.
267
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:23,440
Why are you here? You're meant to be
bonding with your boy.
268
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:27,280
How? He's into fucking lifting
weights and taking protein powder.
269
00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,680
The mind boggles. How did you bond
with Tyler when you found out?
270
00:16:30,720 --> 00:16:33,080
He was seven
when I found out, so it were easy.
271
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,360
We played crocodiles and fucking
snuggling on t'couch.
272
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:39,280
I can't do that.
'Sky diving.'
273
00:16:39,320 --> 00:16:44,440
You what?'Germans love sky diving.
I watched a documentary about it.
274
00:16:44,480 --> 00:16:46,880
They put on Lederhosen,
drink beer and...'Put it down!
275
00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:50,560
They drink beer and they do sky
diving.Right, very good, Cardi.
276
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:52,040
Very good. I'll do that.
277
00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,160
In Hawley on a Thursday afternoon!
Look where the fuck we are!
278
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:57,880
Your boy, he's into sport, yeah?
Yeah, sadly.
279
00:16:57,920 --> 00:17:01,280
I've got just the thing.
I have recently obtained
280
00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:05,520
exclusive membership
to the extremely hard to join...
281
00:17:05,560 --> 00:17:08,640
Northern Lawn Tennis.
How the fuck did you get that?
282
00:17:08,680 --> 00:17:10,680
Know what they say
when you walk in?
283
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:15,680
'Good morning.'I fucking swear. Oh,
fuck off. Fucking therapy session.
284
00:17:15,720 --> 00:17:19,440
Sweep for mines. Don't let anyone
end up like sewn together Barry.
285
00:17:19,480 --> 00:17:21,120
'Good morning.'
286
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:23,600
(TICKING)
287
00:17:38,280 --> 00:17:41,680
Would you...
It's a big clock that, innit?
288
00:17:41,720 --> 00:17:45,000
Do you know what you call
a clever clock?
289
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:47,280
Clockwise.
290
00:17:49,040 --> 00:17:50,440
Would you like to tell me
291
00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:54,160
about what's brought
you here today, Vincent?
292
00:17:54,200 --> 00:17:58,600
Well, it's my fucking head, innit?
That's why I'm here.
293
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:00,760
Do you collect feathers, you?
294
00:18:00,800 --> 00:18:04,320
I bet I know every one of these
fucking birds, here.
295
00:18:04,360 --> 00:18:05,920
Christ...
296
00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,080
Is that expensive?
It is.
297
00:18:11,120 --> 00:18:14,760
Looks expensive.
Fuck, it'd do me a lot of good that.
298
00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,960
I bet you wouldn't even know
it were gone.
299
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,400
I might. It's my grandmother's.
300
00:18:20,440 --> 00:18:22,840
I don't believe you.
301
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,840
My dad's a pisshead, my mum didn't
want me when I were little,
302
00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:40,320
I found her recently and she still
don't fucking want me. So...
303
00:18:41,240 --> 00:18:43,840
Yeah, I guess that's it, really.
304
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,960
That's just the end of that story,
is it?
305
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:49,040
For fuck's sake. Me... (TUTS)
306
00:18:49,080 --> 00:18:51,960
Dad didn't know how to be a Dad.
Mum didn't know how to be a mum.
307
00:18:52,000 --> 00:18:56,960
They had me too young, they fucked
up. And they fucked me up.
308
00:18:57,000 --> 00:19:01,360
I've got bipolar. I can't keep hold
of my friends... the girl I adore,
309
00:19:01,400 --> 00:19:03,720
I can't be with,
cos I'm just not good enough.
310
00:19:03,760 --> 00:19:08,760
Everyone I've ever cared about
just...
311
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:12,440
they have to leave me in the end.
312
00:19:13,560 --> 00:19:16,160
Everything's changing. I just...
313
00:19:18,680 --> 00:19:21,280
I want it to go back
to the way it was, that's all,
314
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:26,880
even if it was all
just a pile of shite.
315
00:19:26,920 --> 00:19:30,920
That sounds like a lot.
Mm.
316
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:34,000
Sign off? Ticked your box.
317
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,120
Blame it all on my mum and dad, and
feel like you've earned your money
318
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:40,480
and I get to go home and
feel like a fucking piece of shit.
319
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,960
You seem to be telling me
like it's my fault.
320
00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:46,160
No, I'm fucking, I'm painting
you a picture, aren't I?
321
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:50,040
That's what I'm doing! We've had
different lives, you and me!
322
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,720
You're arranging birds' nests,
I'm growing weed,
323
00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:54,960
trying to not get my dick cut off.
324
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:59,400
Right. It sounds like you think
you can read me very well.
325
00:19:59,440 --> 00:20:03,560
What makes you think that I don't
have the capacity to understand?
326
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:05,440
What makes you think
I've always come
327
00:20:05,480 --> 00:20:08,880
from this wonderful background?
328
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:13,160
Can I ask you who you're angry with
when you say all this?
329
00:20:13,200 --> 00:20:15,440
At the moment, you're angry with me.
330
00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:19,800
But it isn't me
who's made things the way they are.
331
00:20:19,840 --> 00:20:22,560
Everything you've told me,
all your feelings are valid,
332
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:28,440
but your anger, your sadness, need
directing in the right places.
333
00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:31,720
We need to decipher
between what's your illness
334
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:34,600
and what's a genuine crisis.
335
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:38,360
The experiences
would bring anyone to their knees.
336
00:20:38,400 --> 00:20:43,440
So it's no wonder to me
you struggle the way you do.
337
00:20:43,480 --> 00:20:49,800
And just to say, Vincent,
you don't have to get better today.
338
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:52,720
I'm not going anywhere.
339
00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:57,360
I'm here for you.
That's the deal.
340
00:20:57,400 --> 00:21:00,360
So, maybe you can leave the snuff
box that's in your pocket
341
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:03,960
and steal it next time
if that's more convenient.
342
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:15,600
MUSIC: "Golden Retriever"
by Super Furry Animals
343
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,720
Yours!
344
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:20,600
# Hey said the devil
345
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:24,760
# When I met her at the roundabout
346
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:26,840
# She's got powers
347
00:21:26,880 --> 00:21:32,160
# Magnetic devours you
of everything you've got
348
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:36,200
# She's a golden retriever
349
00:21:36,240 --> 00:21:40,080
# Retrieves your oldest coin
350
00:21:40,120 --> 00:21:43,880
# Leads you blindly
down every dark alley
351
00:21:43,920 --> 00:21:45,640
# Then she'll...
352
00:21:45,680 --> 00:21:49,800
Hello, boys.
353
00:21:49,840 --> 00:21:51,520
Daphne. Magenta.
354
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:53,680
Should have known
you'd be members.
355
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:57,240
And, er, who's this?
I'm Thomas' son.
356
00:21:57,280 --> 00:21:59,320
Whose?
Tommo.
357
00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,840
It's me fucking name.
Jesus Christ, Daffne.
358
00:22:01,880 --> 00:22:03,760
Can you not see the family likeness?
He's German.
359
00:22:03,800 --> 00:22:06,160
He's... he is German, yes.
Very good, Magenta.
360
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:07,440
Yeah, grade A student, very sharp.
361
00:22:07,480 --> 00:22:12,120
Well... Guten Morgen.
Guten Tag, Madame.
362
00:22:12,160 --> 00:22:16,200
Wie geht es dir?
I am doing very well.
363
00:22:16,240 --> 00:22:17,720
Wo ist das Rathaus?
364
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:21,680
You know that means
"Where is the town hall?"
365
00:22:21,720 --> 00:22:24,120
(GIGGLES) I'm Daffne.
Hans.
366
00:22:25,000 --> 00:22:28,680
Charmed, I'm sure.
You're fucking not charmed, love.
367
00:22:28,720 --> 00:22:33,840
Daffne, do not flirt with my fucking
progeny. It's beyond obscene.
368
00:22:33,880 --> 00:22:37,240
We're retiring
to the Deuce Bar for Pimm's,
369
00:22:37,280 --> 00:22:40,960
if anybody fancies joining us -
Great, I love to meet Dad's friends.
370
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:43,760
Well...
Magenta.
371
00:22:45,160 --> 00:22:47,160
Fuck sake.
What's Pimm's?
372
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,200
You need a semi-Western grip.
373
00:22:50,280 --> 00:22:54,960
If you drop the racquet on the
ground, bend down and pick it up.
374
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:56,800
OK.
Strings facing to the ground.
375
00:22:56,840 --> 00:22:58,280
Argh!
Saw her knickers...
376
00:22:58,320 --> 00:23:00,840
Like holding a frying pan...
377
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,040
No, he's reciprocating.
Don't fucking reciprocate, lad.
378
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:08,280
And continue your natural swing,
like this...What the fuck?
379
00:23:08,320 --> 00:23:11,680
Yeah. She's definitely
keen on him, mate.
380
00:23:11,720 --> 00:23:14,040
She can be keen.
She's old enough to be his gran.
381
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:18,920
Peachy.Also, he shall not jizz
where his father hath jizzed.
382
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,280
It's practically incest, in't it?
383
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,080
If he's gonna jizz on anyone,
Magenta.
384
00:23:22,120 --> 00:23:26,200
She's like 12, man.
She's 16, Cardi.I'm 15.
385
00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:28,120
You're 15, love?
Well done.Are yer?
386
00:23:32,120 --> 00:23:33,720
Grip the racquet...
387
00:23:33,760 --> 00:23:37,040
Fuck this. Right,
right, drink up, we're going.
388
00:23:37,080 --> 00:23:40,400
Are you insane? I'm not leaving,
look at this place.
389
00:23:40,440 --> 00:23:42,960
All these are on Mrs Bishop's tab.
Alright, fine.
390
00:23:43,000 --> 00:23:46,280
Fine... Stay. Yeah, have fun.
391
00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:48,600
Hans.
(PHONE RINGS)
392
00:23:48,640 --> 00:23:51,520
Hang on. Hang on.
It's Kenny Diamond!Kenny Diamond?
393
00:23:51,560 --> 00:23:53,640
Kenny Diamond. Kenny Diamond.
394
00:23:53,680 --> 00:23:55,520
Kenny. Kenny. (LAUGHS)
395
00:23:55,560 --> 00:23:57,960
Kenneth...
Tommo.
396
00:23:58,000 --> 00:23:59,800
Vincent says
you wanna speak with me.
397
00:23:59,840 --> 00:24:04,880
Correct, Kenny, correct,
er, it is about the future ownership
398
00:24:04,920 --> 00:24:09,480
of The Rat and Cutter. Have you
signed anything with Glen Glenson?
399
00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,840
Nothing official.
We have a, a gentleman's agreement.
400
00:24:13,880 --> 00:24:18,960
Alright, OK, ah, well, listen, I'm
a gentleman, you're a gentleman.
401
00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,880
Right?
So how would you like to meet up,
402
00:24:21,920 --> 00:24:25,880
to discuss a better
gentleman's agreement.
403
00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:33,680
Go back on my word? Is that
what you're asking me?Yeah.
404
00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:38,760
Crow's Nest, 30 minutes.
Thank you, Kenny, very good. Right.
405
00:24:38,800 --> 00:24:40,400
Gotta go. Hans.
Oh, no, Tommo.
406
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:42,840
Let him stay here with me,
I won't bite.
407
00:24:42,880 --> 00:24:45,680
No, he's coming with his dad.
I'm fine, I'm having fun.
408
00:24:45,720 --> 00:24:48,840
Honestly, I'll just come back
with the others.
409
00:24:48,880 --> 00:24:53,520
Don't you leave her with him.
Roger that.
410
00:24:56,640 --> 00:24:58,840
Tommo.
Kenneth.Have a seat.
411
00:24:58,880 --> 00:25:01,360
Thank you.
412
00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:04,640
Management lease,
two years minimum.
413
00:25:04,680 --> 00:25:07,000
Glen's offered 20 grand
but as a favour to you
414
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:09,280
I'll allow you to outbid him.
415
00:25:09,320 --> 00:25:11,680
I want an offer in excess of 20
416
00:25:11,720 --> 00:25:14,600
otherwise I give this
back to Glenson.
417
00:25:14,640 --> 00:25:17,360
Right, Kenny,
I am a man, as you know,
418
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,400
with a great many
financial commitments.
419
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:24,920
And consequently liquidity
is not always... fluid.
420
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:28,200
When do you need the money?
By Friday.
421
00:25:28,240 --> 00:25:30,120
By Friday?
By Friday.
422
00:25:30,160 --> 00:25:33,040
Friday it is then. (LAUGHS)
423
00:25:35,320 --> 00:25:37,320
Ha-ha!
424
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:44,240
Vinnie? Vin.
Erin?! Hiya, where's Vinnie?
425
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:47,200
In the back room... with Manolito.
Very good.
426
00:25:47,240 --> 00:25:50,000
Why?
Oh, it's fine.
427
00:25:50,040 --> 00:25:53,600
Vinnie, Vinnie... Vinnie, I...
Thomas.Hello.
428
00:25:53,640 --> 00:25:59,280
I love the war room,
perfect new business HQ. Inspired.
429
00:25:59,320 --> 00:26:04,040
Hey, we make a good team,
huh, you, me...Hey.Vincent.
430
00:26:04,080 --> 00:26:06,680
Shame your, er,
best friend couldn't be here.
431
00:26:06,720 --> 00:26:09,720
I think he like this...
He's not even texted me back yet.
432
00:26:09,760 --> 00:26:11,920
Bastard.I think he doesn't
want to be found,
433
00:26:11,960 --> 00:26:15,200
the MacDonaghs come after him again,
safer that way.
434
00:26:15,240 --> 00:26:19,920
Which reminds me, now Davey is back,
you do not tell the MacDonaghs
435
00:26:19,960 --> 00:26:23,320
it was me who rescued your friend
from the car. Best this way.
436
00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:27,200
Vinnie. Sorry. I need over 20 grand,
to buy back The Rat and Cutter.
437
00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:29,760
Listen to you. Throwing it out.
"I need 20 grand."
438
00:26:29,800 --> 00:26:33,320
Not happening.
We're doing a weed grow this year,
439
00:26:33,360 --> 00:26:35,320
not spending money
on a fucking club
440
00:26:35,360 --> 00:26:37,920
so you can wreck it again...
Thank you very much.
441
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:39,520
Blaming me for the loss
of my own club,
442
00:26:39,560 --> 00:26:41,840
which I'm still grieving by the way.
443
00:26:41,880 --> 00:26:46,760
Not all men are cut out
for greatness, Thomas.
444
00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,160
Where can a man take a leak?
A bucket in the listening room.
445
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,280
A red one, round there.
For weeing in.
446
00:26:52,320 --> 00:26:55,680
We've just moved in, ain't we,
you know what I mean. Sort it out.
447
00:26:55,720 --> 00:26:58,960
Listen... I need to show him myself
in my former glory,
448
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,880
proprietor of Hawley's
premier entertainment venue.
449
00:27:01,920 --> 00:27:03,440
But you're not, Tom.
450
00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,120
You're not this man that you
keep pretending to be.
451
00:27:06,160 --> 00:27:08,640
Look at the state you're in!
452
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:12,960
There is shit in bucket.
453
00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,400
It's Carol!
God's sake!
454
00:27:23,720 --> 00:27:25,640
Hey, hey, where is he?
Who?
455
00:27:25,680 --> 00:27:28,120
Fuck sake!
456
00:27:29,840 --> 00:27:33,520
Where's your mum, eh?
She went home.
457
00:27:33,560 --> 00:27:38,360
Where's my lad, then?
Went with her.
458
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:42,000
Why are you here if she's gone?I
have a match at four.Match at four.
459
00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:45,200
Right, right.
Do you know what, right,
460
00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:48,160
I feel fucking sorry for you,
growing up with that woman
461
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:52,480
as a role model, eh?
Loose morals.
462
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:54,720
Dickheads!
463
00:27:54,760 --> 00:27:56,840
What?!
Tommo.
464
00:28:00,200 --> 00:28:02,760
Daffne? Daffne!
465
00:28:05,040 --> 00:28:07,280
Open this fucking door, right now.
466
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:10,800
Daffne, Daffne.
467
00:28:10,840 --> 00:28:12,280
Daffne. Daffne.
468
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:14,400
I swear to God...
469
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:17,800
You're a liar.
You're not a businessman.No. No.
470
00:28:17,840 --> 00:28:20,920
You own a dungeon
and a fuck truck.Listen to me.
471
00:28:20,960 --> 00:28:23,680
I don't want a dad
who's a selfish liar!
472
00:28:23,720 --> 00:28:26,480
Hans, I...
473
00:28:26,520 --> 00:28:28,600
It's a mobile erotic parlour.
474
00:28:28,640 --> 00:28:30,320
Fuck you.
Hello.
475
00:28:30,360 --> 00:28:32,120
Nice one, yeah.
476
00:28:32,160 --> 00:28:35,400
I'm trying to make him proud of me!
477
00:28:35,440 --> 00:28:37,000
Thank you very much.
478
00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:45,120
MUSIC: "Train Song" by Vashti Bunyan
479
00:28:45,160 --> 00:28:49,960
# Travelling north,
travelling north to find you
480
00:28:50,000 --> 00:28:54,320
# Train wheels beating,
the wind in my eyes
481
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:59,320
# Don't even know
what I'll say when I find you
482
00:28:59,360 --> 00:29:03,600
# Call out your name, love,
don't be surprised
483
00:29:03,640 --> 00:29:08,440
# It's so many miles and so long
since I've met you
484
00:29:08,480 --> 00:29:13,280
# Don't even know
what I'll find when I get to you
485
00:29:13,320 --> 00:29:17,720
# But suddenly now,
I know where I belong
486
00:29:17,760 --> 00:29:21,960
# It's many hundred miles...
Shit.
487
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,200
# And it won't be long
488
00:29:27,400 --> 00:29:32,080
# Nothing at all
in my head to say to you
489
00:29:32,120 --> 00:29:36,480
# Only the beat of the train I'm on
490
00:29:36,520 --> 00:29:41,720
# Nothing I've learnt
all my life on the way to you
491
00:29:41,760 --> 00:29:43,840
# One day our love... #
492
00:29:43,880 --> 00:29:46,080
When did you last see them?
15 years ago?
493
00:29:46,120 --> 00:29:48,400
Why you sweating?
Are you nervous to see them?
494
00:29:48,440 --> 00:29:50,240
I'm warm, aren't I, Cardi.
495
00:29:50,280 --> 00:29:53,680
I'm wearing nonbreathable fabrics.
Fuck me.
496
00:29:53,720 --> 00:29:56,680
Looks exactly the same.
Wagon wheel, that's handy.
497
00:29:56,720 --> 00:29:59,280
Don't jangle the danglers.
498
00:29:59,320 --> 00:30:02,720
Right. Here's the plan, we go in,
retrieve the boy child,
499
00:30:02,760 --> 00:30:05,800
then fuck the fuck out of this place
to the local hostelry
500
00:30:05,840 --> 00:30:08,120
and we'll smooth over this mess.
501
00:30:08,160 --> 00:30:13,480
(DOORBELL) Oh, and, er, be warned.
Leo, he's a bit of a close talker.
502
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:15,200
What's a close talker?
503
00:30:15,240 --> 00:30:17,640
Tommy.
Leo.
504
00:30:17,680 --> 00:30:19,800
You can call me Dad, you know.
505
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:25,600
You're looking... looking well.
And this is, er...?Ashley.
506
00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:28,960
Ashley.
Hmm. Nice work shirt.
507
00:30:29,000 --> 00:30:33,480
Thanks, it's sustainable, 100%
biodegradable, the eco choice.
508
00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:36,920
That's Cardi.
Nice to meet you, D-D-Dad.
509
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:40,240
"Cardi," what's that short for?
It's short for Leslie Titt.
510
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:43,000
This is turning into quite the day.
Is he in there then?
511
00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:45,640
He certainly is, yes,
you'd better come inside.
512
00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:47,800
Margaret, it's our Tommy.
513
00:30:47,840 --> 00:30:49,920
Better come inside.
(LAUGHS)
514
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:53,560
JJ.
You alright?
515
00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:58,960
Hey. What are you holding?
516
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,920
This is our child.
Jesus.
517
00:31:01,960 --> 00:31:04,000
And she looks nothing like you.
518
00:31:04,040 --> 00:31:08,160
Are you leaving...?
Have you lost your mind?
519
00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:11,120
And why the fuck have you wrapped it
in a bloody blanket, Sugar.
520
00:31:11,160 --> 00:31:17,800
This is your baby, JJ.OK,
well, it's very white and ginger.
521
00:31:17,840 --> 00:31:21,640
(SPEAKS MANDARIN)
And Chinese.
522
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:23,720
Daddy was a mechanic,
before he left.
523
00:31:23,760 --> 00:31:27,160
He was into fish and very boring
podcasts.I am doing this...
524
00:31:27,200 --> 00:31:29,440
Woah.
525
00:31:33,520 --> 00:31:35,680
Hey, listen, come here.
526
00:31:35,720 --> 00:31:39,000
Now, there's only one thing
that would ever drive me
527
00:31:39,040 --> 00:31:41,040
out of your life, right,
528
00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:46,200
and that is pretending to be a dad
to a fucking carrot top doll, Sugar.
529
00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,400
OK.
Yeah.
530
00:31:48,440 --> 00:31:50,840
Do you want a greasy kiss?
Yeah.
531
00:31:50,880 --> 00:31:52,880
(CRIES OUT)
(LAUGHS)
532
00:32:08,080 --> 00:32:11,920
Er, Rooster Cogburn,
sequel to True Grit, not a classic,
533
00:32:11,960 --> 00:32:16,200
but it stars Katharine Hepburn.
So worth checking out. No. No. No.
534
00:32:16,240 --> 00:32:19,000
Clearly wrong,
that's red and that's blue.
535
00:32:19,040 --> 00:32:22,400
We thought it was a prank when Hans
arrived at the door, didn't we?
536
00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:24,480
I said to Leo, this is a prank.
537
00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:29,920
And he said, "Prank,
no way, Margaret, he's our grandson,
538
00:32:29,960 --> 00:32:31,880
I can feel it, inside."
539
00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:34,920
Are you happy to be grandparents?
No, technically, though...
540
00:32:34,960 --> 00:32:37,480
Oh, yes, never thought
we'd see the day, did we, Leo?
541
00:32:37,520 --> 00:32:40,920
Never thought we'd see the day.
And such a strapping lad.
542
00:32:40,960 --> 00:32:44,920
Not like Tommy.
He was a sickly youth.
543
00:32:44,960 --> 00:32:47,680
Always had problems, with his...
Not there.
544
00:32:47,720 --> 00:32:49,680
Problems with his?
Pardon?
545
00:32:49,720 --> 00:32:54,120
You said he always had problems
with his...With his -No. No. No.
546
00:32:54,160 --> 00:32:58,160
Wrong shape.Oh, sorry now.
And such a lovely looking boy.
547
00:32:58,200 --> 00:33:02,120
You know, you can't mind that he's
German when he has a face like that.
548
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:04,840
As the big man says,
"A horse is a horse,
549
00:33:04,880 --> 00:33:06,920
it ain't make
a difference what colour it is."
550
00:33:06,960 --> 00:33:08,800
Right. I'm going for a whazz.
551
00:33:08,840 --> 00:33:10,840
Is it still in the same place?
552
00:33:10,880 --> 00:33:13,000
Yeah, course it fucking is.
553
00:33:13,040 --> 00:33:16,200
Do you not like Germans then?
554
00:33:16,240 --> 00:33:18,800
MUSIC: Cowboys Ain't Easy To Love
by Chris LeDoux
555
00:33:18,840 --> 00:33:21,040
(SNIFFING)
556
00:33:21,080 --> 00:33:23,080
(SNIFFS)
557
00:33:25,320 --> 00:33:28,400
(SONG CONTINUES, DISTORTED)
558
00:34:08,600 --> 00:34:12,640
Alright?
Alright?
559
00:34:12,680 --> 00:34:14,800
How are you?
560
00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:16,840
Better than you,
by the looks of things.
561
00:34:16,880 --> 00:34:21,680
You high?
Off my tits, mate, yeah.
562
00:34:21,720 --> 00:34:24,280
You're getting blasted
in your foster parents' house.
563
00:34:24,320 --> 00:34:26,640
Leo won't approve of that, will he?
564
00:34:26,680 --> 00:34:29,240
Long way past caring
what Leo thinks.
565
00:34:29,280 --> 00:34:31,800
If I ever did...
566
00:34:31,840 --> 00:34:33,880
Did I?
No, not really.
567
00:34:44,240 --> 00:34:47,520
How've I ended up like this, eh?
568
00:34:47,560 --> 00:34:49,160
What, what, what was, erm...
569
00:34:49,200 --> 00:34:52,840
what were going through me head,
when I was you?
570
00:34:52,880 --> 00:34:56,440
You couldn't really
understand normality,
571
00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:59,760
them lot downstairs, anyone, really.
572
00:34:59,800 --> 00:35:03,880
They seemed to have loads and loads
of pointless rules...Yeah.
573
00:35:03,920 --> 00:35:06,880
They do.Everyone's so worried
about what everyone else thinks,
574
00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:10,280
like it matters anyway.
I mean, that's fucking right.
575
00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:13,320
Get married,
lock themselves to one other person,
576
00:35:13,360 --> 00:35:16,360
trap themselves in a little house,
job they hate,
577
00:35:16,400 --> 00:35:19,440
and all in the name of security
and respectability.
578
00:35:19,480 --> 00:35:21,760
Yes,
fucking spontaneity out the window,
579
00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:26,080
have to ask permission to go for a
pint with their mates at the pub,
580
00:35:26,120 --> 00:35:28,800
can't stay out too late
because the alarm goes off at seven.
581
00:35:28,840 --> 00:35:30,760
Daren't even look at another woman,
or man,
582
00:35:30,800 --> 00:35:33,160
because I've got this
ring on your finger,
583
00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,640
like a fucking sheep in a field,
branded,
584
00:35:35,680 --> 00:35:39,360
letting all the world know
I'm taken. Don't even look at me
585
00:35:39,400 --> 00:35:42,040
because I've committed myself
by the rules of the land
586
00:35:42,080 --> 00:35:45,240
to a lifetime of,
at best, mediocre sex.
587
00:35:45,280 --> 00:35:48,680
I was right. We, we were right.
588
00:35:48,720 --> 00:35:52,040
Yeah, and now it's those same
people, the same teachers, doctors,
589
00:35:52,080 --> 00:35:56,200
businessmen, in their fucking suits
and shirts and what have you.
590
00:35:56,240 --> 00:35:58,520
They're the ones
paying for my services, and why?
591
00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:00,280
Because ever since Adam and Eve
592
00:36:00,320 --> 00:36:02,280
traipsed into
the fucking Garden of Eden,
593
00:36:02,320 --> 00:36:04,760
human beings have wanted
their bits playing with
594
00:36:04,800 --> 00:36:07,880
and that will never change.
Exactly.
595
00:36:08,960 --> 00:36:13,200
Everything I thought,
when I was you, was right.
596
00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:17,120
Yeah.
Go on.
597
00:36:17,160 --> 00:36:19,880
Off You fuck.
Alright.
598
00:36:21,160 --> 00:36:22,360
Oh, and, er...
599
00:36:22,400 --> 00:36:25,880
just a bit of advice, if anyone asks
you to engage in Spicy Gringo,
600
00:36:25,920 --> 00:36:30,080
just, er, just refuse,
it's too much.
601
00:36:34,440 --> 00:36:36,000
MUSIC: "Disco 2000" by Pulp
602
00:36:36,040 --> 00:36:39,360
FYI, John Wayne were a racist
and a homophobe.
603
00:36:39,400 --> 00:36:41,480
Sit down, Leonard.
604
00:36:41,520 --> 00:36:44,400
Oi, you. Pub, now.
605
00:36:44,440 --> 00:36:47,160
You can't tell me what to do.
This is your father speaking.
606
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:49,280
Pub.
607
00:36:51,720 --> 00:36:53,160
(PHONE RINGS)
Hello.
608
00:36:53,200 --> 00:36:56,440
Vinnie... have you thought any more
after our little bathroom chat?
609
00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:58,960
Look, Donna...
We're being very tolerant.
610
00:36:59,000 --> 00:37:01,960
But our patience is wearing thin.
611
00:37:02,000 --> 00:37:04,360
Where's Dylan, Donna?
612
00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:08,600
I've told you,
we're nothing to do with Dylan.
613
00:37:08,640 --> 00:37:10,440
Right. And I've told you
614
00:37:10,480 --> 00:37:14,680
that I can only be in business
with people that I trust. Alright?
615
00:37:21,240 --> 00:37:24,360
I don't really drink.Shut
the fuck up and get it down yer.
616
00:37:24,400 --> 00:37:30,000
Right. First things first,
did you fuck her?
617
00:37:32,000 --> 00:37:34,480
Who?Who do you think I mean?
My fucking elderly foster mum?
618
00:37:34,520 --> 00:37:36,320
Mrs Bishop?
Mrs Bishop, yes.
619
00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:38,880
The lovely Daffne.
No.
620
00:37:40,200 --> 00:37:42,480
No?
621
00:37:42,520 --> 00:37:47,640
Right, I were expecting
something different.
622
00:37:47,680 --> 00:37:50,240
Why?
I don't know...
623
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:55,520
She got my trousers off
and she really wanted to...
624
00:37:55,560 --> 00:37:59,920
When it came to it... I...
I didn't want her to be my first.
625
00:37:59,960 --> 00:38:01,760
Yeah. Wh... wh... what? What?
626
00:38:01,800 --> 00:38:06,040
You mean you...?
Yes. I'm saving myself.
627
00:38:06,080 --> 00:38:08,760
Right, well, yes, OK, so fine.
628
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:11,960
Why?
I want the first time to be special.
629
00:38:12,000 --> 00:38:18,400
Hmm. Wow, your mamma's brought
you up with some funny ideas.
630
00:38:18,440 --> 00:38:20,440
(CLEARS THROAT)
631
00:38:22,680 --> 00:38:24,400
I'm sorry I lied.
632
00:38:24,440 --> 00:38:27,800
Right, strictly speaking
none of it was untrue.
633
00:38:27,840 --> 00:38:32,280
There were just some, y'know,
significant omissions.
634
00:38:32,320 --> 00:38:36,800
But why?Why? Hans, you came
fucking waltzing into my life,
635
00:38:36,840 --> 00:38:40,640
saying where's my dad, obviously
in a... in a German accent.
636
00:38:43,200 --> 00:38:46,440
You wanna know about my life...
637
00:38:46,480 --> 00:38:48,960
Right, well,
I'll tell you about my life, right.
638
00:38:49,000 --> 00:38:51,920
Picture the scene.
Born to two shitty parents
639
00:38:51,960 --> 00:38:54,840
that didn't give a crap about me.
Er, not one, but two broken arms
640
00:38:54,880 --> 00:38:56,800
by the time social services
took me away
641
00:38:56,840 --> 00:39:00,160
at the grand old age of
12 months, ladies and gentlemen.
642
00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:02,000
Shunted about
from one care home to the next,
643
00:39:02,040 --> 00:39:04,160
with a load of other kids
who no-one gave a shit about.
644
00:39:04,200 --> 00:39:08,680
Leo and Margaret were the first
people who ever cared about me...
645
00:39:08,720 --> 00:39:10,920
and, er, boring as they were,
fuck me,
646
00:39:10,960 --> 00:39:13,640
I didn't want their life,
Jesus Christ,
647
00:39:13,680 --> 00:39:15,560
this fucking claustrophobic
little box.
648
00:39:15,600 --> 00:39:17,960
I couldn't understand
how they were happy
649
00:39:18,000 --> 00:39:20,480
but bless 'em,
they wanted what was best for me.
650
00:39:20,520 --> 00:39:26,000
So... I got out.
651
00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:29,960
Not very far, obviously, but,
er, but the way I live my life,
652
00:39:30,000 --> 00:39:34,880
it... it could be a million miles
away from all that, couldn't it?
653
00:39:34,920 --> 00:39:39,480
What I do is a public service.
654
00:39:39,520 --> 00:39:46,680
You know, the world, Hans...
is so fucking repressed, right,
655
00:39:46,720 --> 00:39:48,880
and people, they have kinks,
desires,
656
00:39:48,920 --> 00:39:51,720
these perversions,
these fucking dreams.
657
00:39:51,760 --> 00:39:56,720
Right, and, and, and they push 'em
so far down inside,
658
00:39:56,760 --> 00:39:59,120
and that's why they come to me.
659
00:39:59,160 --> 00:40:01,400
They come to me
and the fantasies burst out
660
00:40:01,440 --> 00:40:08,480
and for an hour
of their miserable fucking lives
661
00:40:08,520 --> 00:40:11,080
they're in ecstasy.
662
00:40:11,120 --> 00:40:15,800
Sometimes also on ecstasy.
663
00:40:15,840 --> 00:40:21,600
You... you... you seem like a good
lad... I don't feel things
664
00:40:21,640 --> 00:40:26,520
like how other people do...
maybe, you know, like love.
665
00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:28,640
Maybe I love you,
maybe that's what...
666
00:40:28,680 --> 00:40:31,320
maybe that's what that is.
Maybe, yeah, yeah, I do.
667
00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:34,160
I mean... yes, I... I... I love you.
668
00:40:36,840 --> 00:40:41,920
And then that's why I lied.
669
00:40:44,200 --> 00:40:48,480
Listen, I am who I am,
I'm not ashamed of it,
670
00:40:48,520 --> 00:40:52,720
but if you don't like it, you're
very welcome to pack up your things
671
00:40:52,760 --> 00:40:55,920
and head back to Deutschland
672
00:40:55,960 --> 00:40:58,480
and we'll say no more about it.
673
00:41:05,160 --> 00:41:08,440
I would like to see them,
674
00:41:08,480 --> 00:41:12,120
the dungeon, your fuck truck.
675
00:41:12,160 --> 00:41:16,040
I want you to tell me
everything about you.
676
00:41:16,080 --> 00:41:21,680
Over another pint.
677
00:41:21,720 --> 00:41:24,120
I mean, drink that one first,
fucking hell.
678
00:41:26,440 --> 00:41:30,040
So, what's the truth
about The Rat and Cutter?
679
00:41:30,080 --> 00:41:33,080
The truth about The Rat
and Cutter is, right,
680
00:41:33,120 --> 00:41:36,880
I ran it and it
were a fucking roaring success.
681
00:41:36,920 --> 00:41:41,520
But, er, alas,
paperwork is not my forte
682
00:41:41,560 --> 00:41:47,120
and, er, in a petty act of revenge a
certain detective, Carl Slater...
683
00:41:47,160 --> 00:41:50,000
Carl Slater bums dogs?
Fuck me. How do you know that?
684
00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,040
(BARKING)
685
00:41:55,320 --> 00:41:58,360
It were his nan's poodle actually.
686
00:41:58,400 --> 00:42:03,800
Well, he shut us down. And, er,
in so doing he toppled my empire.
687
00:42:03,840 --> 00:42:08,040
So who was the guy sleeping there?
That's a, a long story.
688
00:42:08,080 --> 00:42:11,160
But the short version is that, er...
689
00:42:11,200 --> 00:42:14,920
I'm now 21 grand shy of being
reinstated as the owner
690
00:42:14,960 --> 00:42:17,960
of Hawley's
premier entertainment venue.
691
00:42:18,000 --> 00:42:22,560
You need 21 grand.
Mm. By Friday.
692
00:42:22,600 --> 00:42:26,000
By Friday? (WHISTLES)
693
00:42:29,040 --> 00:42:32,240
That's a lot of money.I know,
you don't have to rub it in.
694
00:42:37,720 --> 00:42:39,040
Peter.
695
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:41,160
Yeah?
What the... are you not up?
696
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:45,160
What if I am? I'm not with a hooker.
697
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:48,120
Look, we need a favour.
Favour? What favour?
698
00:42:48,160 --> 00:42:49,400
Put some clothes on.
699
00:42:49,440 --> 00:42:51,400
You're about to do a nice
thing for another human being.
700
00:42:51,440 --> 00:42:56,360
You look like shit. Get gone.
Go on. Get out of it. Go on then.
701
00:42:56,400 --> 00:42:58,400
This is it, Mani's house.
702
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:02,120
Wow, he's probably got
gold records in there.
703
00:43:02,160 --> 00:43:04,920
The guitars
he played Made Of Stone on.
704
00:43:04,960 --> 00:43:07,280
Oh, yeah.Original artwork
from album covers.
705
00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:09,200
Hans, that's not even the best bit.
706
00:43:09,240 --> 00:43:13,080
The best bit is that our friend
Peter of the Third Eye,
707
00:43:13,120 --> 00:43:16,000
over here, yeah,
he's not only their ex-roadie.
708
00:43:16,040 --> 00:43:19,920
No, no, no he also happens to be
a close personal friend, yeah.
709
00:43:19,960 --> 00:43:22,800
Of The Stone Roses,
and so for a small remuneration,
710
00:43:22,840 --> 00:43:26,160
he is going to introduce you,
son, to your guitar hero.
711
00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:29,280
How's that?What, today?
Right now.Noooo.
712
00:43:29,320 --> 00:43:33,040
Right now.Nooo.Yes!
(TOOTS HORN)
713
00:43:33,080 --> 00:43:35,640
Avanti.
714
00:43:35,680 --> 00:43:38,720
Ooh, here we go.
You alright, love?
715
00:43:38,760 --> 00:43:41,120
Go on then.Alright, yeah.
Is Mani around, please?
716
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:42,480
You remember Three-Eye'd Pete
the roadie.
717
00:43:42,520 --> 00:43:45,240
You're the cunt
that stole Ian's jacket.
718
00:43:45,280 --> 00:43:47,200
No, hang on a minute,
that's a false allegation.
719
00:43:47,240 --> 00:43:50,960
Fucking allegation, is it?
Here y'are...
720
00:43:51,000 --> 00:43:53,560
If it's false, how come
we've seen it for sale on eBay?
721
00:43:53,600 --> 00:43:58,440
You're barking up the wrong...
Listen, you better fucking...
722
00:43:58,480 --> 00:44:03,200
Sling it.
And you lot fucking do one.
723
00:44:03,240 --> 00:44:05,400
Mani. Mani.
Mani, before we go...What?
724
00:44:05,440 --> 00:44:09,400
Hans. Mani. Mani. Hans.
Hans.Huge fan.
725
00:44:09,440 --> 00:44:12,720
You German?Yes.
Oh, my fucking giddy aunt.
726
00:44:12,760 --> 00:44:16,280
The worst gig I ever played was
Munich '99. What a bag of shit.
727
00:44:16,320 --> 00:44:19,760
Sling your fucking hook.
Come on, lovey.
728
00:44:19,800 --> 00:44:21,400
Twats!
729
00:44:21,440 --> 00:44:23,360
That was the best surprise ever.
730
00:44:23,400 --> 00:44:26,320
And now, I have a surprise for you.
731
00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:28,360
Come on.
732
00:44:31,360 --> 00:44:34,000
OK, let him see.
733
00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:36,040
Ta-da.
734
00:44:37,120 --> 00:44:40,040
It's all yours.
735
00:44:40,080 --> 00:44:43,600
What? How?
Mum set up a trust fund for me
736
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:46,480
when I was born and it matured
when I turned 18.
737
00:44:46,520 --> 00:44:49,880
Fifty-five thousand euros.
738
00:44:49,920 --> 00:44:53,160
So, after you told me
about Kenny Diamond...By Friday.
739
00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:55,120
I went to see him.
740
00:44:56,040 --> 00:44:59,600
I want a three-year contract,
signed and official.
741
00:44:59,640 --> 00:45:03,200
By Friday.
By Friday?By Friday.
742
00:45:07,120 --> 00:45:10,120
My lad... why'd you do
something like that for me, eh?
743
00:45:10,160 --> 00:45:14,000
Because you're my dad.
744
00:45:14,040 --> 00:45:16,600
I want you to do two things for me.
745
00:45:16,640 --> 00:45:19,000
One, apologise
to Leo and Margaret.
746
00:45:19,040 --> 00:45:22,480
It might be OK to let them in
just a little.
747
00:45:22,520 --> 00:45:26,760
And second, promise me
you'll sort out your drug habit.
748
00:45:26,800 --> 00:45:30,400
I need you to be around
for a long time.
749
00:45:30,440 --> 00:45:32,800
(LAUGHS) Drug habit?
750
00:45:32,840 --> 00:45:36,360
He thinks I've got a drug habit
this one.Dude. You have.
751
00:45:36,400 --> 00:45:39,000
I mean, Christ.
752
00:45:40,960 --> 00:45:45,240
Alright. Alright, yeah, I swear...
753
00:45:53,160 --> 00:45:57,120
(TEXT ALERT)
754
00:46:04,680 --> 00:46:07,880
MUSIC: "Spread Your Love"
by Black Rebel Motorcycle Club
755
00:46:12,120 --> 00:46:14,960
(SIREN)
756
00:46:20,800 --> 00:46:22,800
(BARKING)
757
00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:33,480
# Spread your love like a fever
758
00:46:35,040 --> 00:46:37,280
# And don't you ever come down
759
00:46:38,320 --> 00:46:41,960
# Spread your love like a fever
760
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:44,440
# And don't you ever come down
761
00:46:45,840 --> 00:46:48,640
# I spread my love like a fever... #
762
00:46:50,400 --> 00:46:52,440
Jehan Jevani.
763
00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:56,840
I'm arresting you for possession
with intent to supply.
764
00:46:56,880 --> 00:47:00,400
You do not need to say anything
but it may harm your defence...
765
00:47:03,760 --> 00:47:05,960
Her dad's just fucking died.
766
00:47:06,000 --> 00:47:07,400
He wanted me to have the flat?
767
00:47:07,440 --> 00:47:09,160
He owed a lot of people money.
768
00:47:09,200 --> 00:47:12,960
It's so weird being back here.
(CHEERING)
769
00:47:13,000 --> 00:47:15,600
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Oh, that's not a good knock.
770
00:47:15,640 --> 00:47:18,080
We're the bailiffs.
Ten grand by tomorrow.
771
00:47:18,120 --> 00:47:20,560
How are we gonna find
ten grand tomorrow?
772
00:47:20,600 --> 00:47:23,120
I am gonna get you, Erin Croft.
773
00:47:23,160 --> 00:47:26,480
Oi!
Shit! Run! Run!
774
00:47:26,520 --> 00:47:28,040
(SCREAMS)
775
00:47:28,080 --> 00:47:31,680
MUSIC: "(I Got) So Much Trouble
In My Mind" by Sir Joe Quarterman
776
00:47:31,720 --> 00:47:34,200
# I got so much trouble in my mind
777
00:47:35,760 --> 00:47:38,160
# I got so much trouble in my mind
778
00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:41,880
# I got so much trouble in my mind
779
00:47:44,000 --> 00:47:46,480
# Give me the strength to carry on
780
00:47:47,520 --> 00:47:49,440
# Give me the strength to carry on #63708
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