All language subtitles for Taskmaster.NZ.S03E08.Best.Friends.enh

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- Argh!

- Whoo-hoo-hoo.

- (GROANS)

- Argh!

- My name is Paul Williams.

- Argh!

- (GRUNTS)

- (TYPES)

- Ooh!

- (STRAINS)

- (GRUNTS)

(CLUNK!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DING!)

- Kia ora, koutou. Welcome to
the television show Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells,
and like the Queen Street Santa,

I spend 10 months of the year
stuffed in a broom cupboard,

only to be wheeled out, have
my good eyes stuck back on

and put up here to leer down
on all of you as the Taskmaster.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And as always, I have five Christmassy little
elves running around doing trivial tasks,

all hoping to earn my admiration
and, ultimately, my golden head.

There it is there. Look at it.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!

- Those little elves are ―

- Chris Parker,...
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- ...Josh Thompson,...
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- ...Justine Smith,...
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Kura Forester...
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- ...and Paul Ego.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- To my left is my very own Rudolph,...
- (LAUGHTER)

with his lovable red nose and penchant
for being ostracised by his peers ―

my sleigh guider, Paul Williams.

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I actually went to the movies
last night. And if you wouldn't mind,

I'd like to just do a
really quick movie review.

- Yeah, great.
- Movies are, in my opinion,

- one of the best things.
- (LAUGHTER)

- They combine story, music and incredibly quick photos
to create an extremely entertaining piece of art.

They are kind of like
books, but way shorter,

and they are filled with
your favourite celebrities ―

Owen Wilson, Jackie Chan.

- (LAUGHTER)

- It's meant to be on
specific movies, not just, like,

- movies.
- (LAUGHTER) - Oh. OK. Sorry.

- (LAUGHTER) - Let's unwrap
our prize category, please.

- What do we have this week?
- This week,

they've been asked to bring in the best
thing the Taskmaster has never seen before.

- Show me something
new. Starting with Paul Ego.

- I'm gonna show you something
that you have never seen before.

Paul, if you can just― yeah, you come this way a bit.
- OK.

- You look over there, Jeremy.

- (LAUGHTER)

OK. I'm just gonna
send that to the screen.

Share.

- There we are.
- (LAUGHTER)

- The back of your own head.

- (APPLAUSE)

- Hard to see that, normally.
- (LAUGHTER)

- So, you do realise that, you know,
when you go and get your hair cut―

- No, you mightn't realise this.
- (LAUGHTER)

- I'm not familiar with the term.
- When you go and get your hair cut,

they have a mirror.
- Yeah, but they only go quickly,

'How's that. How's that? Is that OK?
Is that OK? Is that OK? How's that?

'How's that? Is that good?' Now you
can look at this for as long as you want.

- Jeremy does have a to-scale
model of his head right next to him.

(LAUGHTER)

- Justine.
- So, we have something at home that my husband loves,

which irritates me immensely. And
so I brought that, hoping you'd like it,

but also hoping I could leave it here. So,
um, I'm not sure if you've seen it before,

but it's a salt gun
that kills insects.

- I have seen this before.

- Shit!
- (LAUGHTER)

- Kura, what did you bring in?
- Well, guys.

I recently became a mother...

to a fur― Argh! - AUDIENCE: Ooh.
- To a fur baby.

So I really need to win tonight, because I've
brought in my puppy, Tui. Here's a picture ofher.

- Oh, wow!
- AUDIENCE: Aw.

- She does look quite cute and little here,
right? But she's got a lot of mana, you know.

Like, people talk to her like,...
(FALSETTO)'Ooh, hello, Tui.'

BASSILY: I talk
to her like this.

- I'm like, 'Good morning, Tui.
- (LAUGHTER)

'Would you like some biscuits?

'I'll pour you some biscuits, and
then I'll pour me some biscuits,

'and we'll have some
biscuits together.'

- What sort of dog is she?
- She's a Cavachon. - A Cavachon?

- Yeah, her mum is a Cavalier King
Charles Spaniel, and her dad's a Bichon.

- Oh, Bichon.
- No reira ― Cavachon.

- (LAUGHTER) - LAUGHS: No reira.
- Cavachon is also for reflux ―

you can get it at the chemist.

- MAORI ACCENT:
Don't you listen to him, Tui.

- You're a beautiful girl.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Josh, what did you bring in?
- Jeremy, do you like fishing?

- Love it.
- Well, you'll be keen on some chum and some berley, then.

- Love a bit of berley.
- Well,

don't you wish you could
throw it out really far?

And throw out chum
and berley with it as well?

Well, have I got the fish bait delivery system
for you ― it's the David Thomson Air Cannon.

- (LAUGHTER)

- That is a
compressed air cannon.

If you freeze a tube of water,

you put your fish bait in there, and
you have some wire coming out the top.

You put the tube ― the frozen tube ― down
the top, and it slides all the way down.

And then you thwang
the valve in the middle,

- and it shoots out a heavy load of squid.
- (LAUGHTER)

- There's actually a video
of my own father doing it.

We did some test runs
in the paddock there.

You drop that in there. He's tamping it
down, makes sure it's got a good seal there.

He's pumping, pumping,
pumping. Goes up to 120, 150 PSI.

And he's ready to shoot and...

- Bu-blammo! Bu-booyah!
- (LAUGHTER)

- It's just so much fun.

You just straddle the air cannon

and fire salvo after salvo of your frozen
squid deep into Moana's kelpy expanse.

- It's just a great way to spend a Sunday.
- (LAUGHTER)

- I have visions of somebody
walking out of the surf for a swim

and just getting completely taken
out by a frozen squid capsule.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Chris, what did you bring in?
- (LAUGHTER)

- Jeremy. I don't
know. Have you seen...

this yet?

Have you seen it
yet? It's not up there.

It's on you.

- It's been on you this whole season.
- What is it?

- Have you checked
your blazer pocket?

Nope, not that pen.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Oh.
- READS: Dear Taskmaster Jeremy Wells,

I just wanted to take this
opportunity to formally apologise,

if my energy while filming
has seemed a little stand-offish.

I don't know how to say this, except
that I find your energy so sexually charged

and confusing that I don't
know how to be in your presence.

In all honesty, I can barely look you in
the eyes. Um, kind regards, Chris Parker.

- So good! (LAUGHS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Five points for Chris.
- Wahey!

- (LAUGHTER)

- Four points for Josh, because
I've never seen one of those before.

I have seen the back of my head.

I have unfortunately
seen not only Tui,

but I've seen some
of Tui's leavings,

so two points, two points,
and two points as well, Juzzie,

because I've seen one of those
things that I've got at my house.

So there we go ―
two, two, two, four, five.

- (CHEERING)

I feel like I've seen it
all now, but I haven't.

There's a task proper to
be seen, isn't there, Paul?

- I have a little task
with something that

nine out of 10 certified
psychologists say is critical to the

well-being and happiness
of an individual ―

friendship. I wouldn't know.
- AUDIENCE: Aw.

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

- All right. Good God.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Are you ready for
me? Have you finished.

- We're ready.
- Ready to go? This part of it? OK. This is very disturbing.

- CHUCKLES: It's
remarkably creepy.

- A little bit of bling.

Ooh, bit a bling on the
envelope, too. Lovely touch.

- I had one of these necklaces.
- Who had the other half?

- Do you know what, though?
I think I've had a few of these,

with a few different
besties. I've lived a life, Paul.

- Let's focus on
the task at hand.

READS: 'Turn this dummy into
your best friend.' (EXCLAIMS)

- Your best friend must
have a name and a backstory.

- Best best friend wins. You've
30 minutes. Your time starts now.

- I guess my current best
friend's my wife. And so I―

- Without getting too descriptive, we're intimate.
- (LAUGHTER)

SOFTLY: I've gotta
make love to it, I guess.

For 30 minutes? I can't make
love to this for 30 minutes.

- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Kura, I'm fascinated. You
say that you've lived a life.

Obviously, there's the Sonny Bill
Williams and the Pizza Hut incident.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Anything else interesting?

- Yeah, lots of
friends, lots of besties.

- How do those best friends know
― hearing on national television ―

that there are other best friends that
have been best friends along the way?

- I think the ones that aren't my best
friend any more will feel OK about it,

- cos they know what they did.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Paul, we're looking for a best friend
with a name and a backstory, aren't we?

- Aren't we all!

- (LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

- First up, it's Paul,
Kura and Justine.

- This is gonna be his
magnificent moustache.

- Ow.
- (LAUGHTER)

- She's an ex-pirate.
- Why did she stop being a pirate?

- Well, why does anyone stop being a pirate? Guilt.
- (LAUGHTER)

- It's a beautiful dress.
- It's quite saucy, isn't it?

- So I was in Intermediate,
doing the Endeavour course,

just weirdly in
the Hauraki Gulf.

We came across
this boat full of pirates.

And I was, like, 'Oh,
my God, pirates?'

Cos I've never seen them before.

Old G mate Gorothia
came out and was,

like, 'Oh,

'oh, you don't need to worry.'

Friends do that, don't
they? Like, 'Oh, fuck yeah.'

- This is my best
mate, um, Consuela.

We met, not
surprisingly, in Mexico.

I was 26. I was a bit lost.
I mean, I was literally lost.

I didn't know I was in Mexico;
I thought I was in Greymouth.

- This is a representation of
Lucy, because Lucy is in heaven.

She died at the hands
of a parkour person.

And these absolute
losers who do parkour

just jumped on her
and broke her neck.

She actually still had
the imprint on her neck,

cos he'd really hit her so hard

that actually his balls
had imprinted on her neck.

- I had this briefcase with me ― that's
why I've kept it ― it was full of heroin.

You know, there was just a
mix up on the baggage carousel.

I actually had some knock-off
DVDs I was trying to sell.

So somewhere in Mexico, there's
now a very pissed-off heroin dealer,

who's trying to sell some
copies of, you know, sort of,

Marley and Me and
Independence Day 2.

- IMITATES PIRATE:
Pirate, pirate life. Forever.

- Lucy was a good
woman, you know.

Didn't deserve to die death by balls.
- No one deserves that.

- I ended up with all this heroin.
I'm walking down the street.

I see Consuela
slumped in a corner.

He started the conversation
by asking me for some heroin,

which I thought was fair enough,
cos I had this whole briefcase full.

- She really lost it when Pirates
of the Caribbean came out,

cos she felt like they were...

appropriating her culture.

- We're very close, and that's
why we are best friends, I think.

- Is he still using heroin?
- Oh, yeah. Like a demon. Absolutely.

That's why he's not speaking
at the moment ― he's catatonic.

- (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Plenty to unpack
there. Justine.

So, Lucy ― your best friend ―

hard to know the story
of how you met Lucy.

All I knew is she died
from a parkour accident.

- So, we met at school, and we
developed a mutual hate of parkour,

cos everyone who does
parkour is an absolute fuckhead.

And this guy bounced
off the wall and,

unfortunately, was
doing a scissor kick,

and Lucy was in the
middle of that scissors and,...

(LAUGHTER) ...uh, broke her
trachea on a pair of very hard,

- tight testicles.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Man! - That'd do it, eh?
- (CHOKES) Imagine!

- Yeah, yeah. Not nice.
- Not nice. - No.

- You're friend Gonorrhoea.
- Gorothia. - Yeah, Gorothia.

- Gorothia.
- (LAUGHTER) - You met at pirate killing?

- You know when you can go
in the Endeavour sometimes?

Well, I was doing
that at Intermediate,

and she was on her pirate ship.

And I was afraid,
and she went,...

'Oh, fuck off, mate. All goods.'

- And that was just love at first sight.
- (LAUGHTER)

- It's time for some sponsors'
messages, while Paul Ego peddles his

remaining copies of Marley and
Me to our unwitting studio audience.

- (LAUGHTER)
- We'll see you after the break.

- (APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back. I
hope you a nice pee,

- stretch and/or poo. What are we doing, Paul?
- (LAUGHTER)

- We're watching our comedians
make their very own best friends.

- Who are we gonna see next, Paul?
- He's got 93.7 thousand friends on Instagram,

but here he is making himself
another ― it's Chris Parker.

- Huge brag. Thank you.

Do you know what I think we
should do, is take some holiday snaps.

Nothing brings friends
together like an amazing trip.

Do you wanna come?
- I'd love to come.

- You will be the third wheel.
- That's OK. - (LAUGHTER)

- The Adventures
of Chris and Sacky.

- And I'm coming as well.
- He's a third wheel.

Go, Sacky. Let's go!
We're gonna miss our flight.

- Ah, we're so excited! Look at the view.
- (LAUGHTER)

Oh, my gosh, you guys. We've
just landed in Africa. We're so tired.

And we've already got
off to a really bad start,

because Sacky left their
wig and their hat on the plane.

And we've lost Paul.
Paul, where are you?!

- I was just here. - Where?
- Just behind you.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, well,

we're determined to
have a really good time.

Paul, make sure you're
filming me and Sacky.

Oh my gosh. Look at our amazing boat that's
gonna take us all the way to Germany from Africa.

Whoo-hoo! We're
going to Germany.

Oh, it's a shame Paul couldn't come with
us. He's such a pussy. He's scared of boats.

(GASPS) We're on the
boat going to Germany,

and something's happened
to Sacky. Oh my God!

- Sacky! Sacky!
- (LAUGHTER)

- Are you OK? Oh God!
We need Paul! He's a doctor.

Why didn't he come to Germany!?

- (LAUGHTER)

- SOBS: So, Sacky ripped their skin on
a bit of the boat on the way to Germany,

and all their insides came out.

So we got an emergency helicopter
all the way back to New Zealand.

I'm just holding this ― their lucky charm
― but I feel like we're gonna lose them.

But thank God
they're in safe hands.

BREATHLESSLY: Paul
here's gonna save Sacky's life.

Do you think Sacky's
gonna make it?

- Yes.

- (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- That was a roller
coaster of emotion.

- Just a classic OE experience.

- Yeah, well, just when everyone's
starting to― the borders are opening,

and everyone's starting to
think about international travel.

I mean, and then you see that.
- I know. You've gotta be careful on those boats.

- Sometimes you'll rip your skin on them and all your sand'll come out.
- (LAUGHTER)

- We've got one more best friend to see.
And I, for one, am very nervous about them,

given the creator's track record with
particularly the mannequins in the female form.

- (LAUGHTER) - Last
but not least, it's the boys ―

it's Josh and Tony.

- OK, for the interests
of, like, wholesomeness,

- I won't root it. OK?
- (LAUGHTER)

- But I'm just saying,
that was an option.

What a great day! It's
greatest day of my life, Tony.

Here with my best friend, Tony,
and my best wife,... first wife.

Well, I guess it's time for your best
man speech, Tony, my best friend.

It was just over
there that I met you.

You nearly stood on a rake and killed
yourself, but I saved you with my life.

Oh, I love being out in the countryside.
Here I am at an unfamiliar place.

FALSETTO: Wait!
Watch out for that rake!

Oh my God! You saved my life.
We're gonna be best friends forever.

The we went on
a road trip. Whoa!

Whoo! Hey, Paul.

- Hello.
- You suck.

- Tony, you're incorrigible. Wahey!
- (LAUGHTER)

- Then I gave you a gift
when we went camping.

What'd you say, Tony?
You've got something for me.

GASPS: Oh my goodness.
It's a best friend's necklace.

- Wow. We must be best friends.
- (LAUGHTER) - Arguably the best.

Then I helped you meet this woman and
gave you some tips later on for lovemaking.

Hey, what about this
attractive woman over there?

I don't have the
confidence to talk to her.

- What's that? Believe in myself. OK.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Hi, attractive woman.

- Do you wanna be my life
partner? Yes! Thanks, mate.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Probably go have sex or something.

Love you, Josh. Love you, Tony.

Tony, you're my best friend.

Hooray! Hooray!

Oh my God. I'm crying.
I'm crying. I'm crying.

- (APPLAUSE)

- Somehow I felt that that
re-enactment with you and Tony,

and then going meeting your wife, and then
going and having sex with her straight away,

- was strangely accurate.
- (LAUGHTER)

- I'm a real player, and, uh, it's
all thanks to Tony's sweet advice.

- (LAUGHTER)
- It must have been hard for you,

being there and just
seeing the likeness ―

- how real Tony looked.
- A lot of the time,

Tony did look like he was doing a
Nazi salute. I will say his arm was―

- I noticed that.
- We've all got our faults.

You know, I have... (SPLUTTERS)
problems with portion control.

And, um, Tony's a
big Third Reich guy.

- (LAUGHTER)

- I can't in good conscience
give five points to anyone,

because I would not
wanna be any of your friends.

So I'm going to
give Kura, Justine,

Josh and Paul all two points,

and then I'll give Sacky four.

- Fair. - Thank you, Taskmaster.
- OK. You're missing out.

- No heroin for you.
- (LAUGHTER)

- So what are the scores looking like now?
- Out in first with nine points,

it's Chris Parker.

- (APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

- I, Paul, for one, could
do with another task.

What's in your
digital fanny pack?

- (LAUGHTER)
- Here, here, is, is,

another, another, task, task.

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

- My very own locker.

- BOTH: Ooh!
- That's a lot of mirrors.

- Pretty hot, right?

- No comment.
- (LAUGHTER)

- READS: Find your doppelganger.

- READS: You must bring your doppelganger
to the studio record for episode eight.

- READS: Best doppelganger
wins. Your time starts now.

- Do you have a
celebrity doppelganger?

- I don't think so.
Do you think I do?

- Hmm. - Be careful now, boy.
- (LAUGHTER)

- This bit ―

- Jason Momoa.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Probably Christopher Luxon, but I don't really wanna bring him.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Go and find some hot bitch who looks like me.
- (LAUGHTER)

- OK. - OK.
- (APPLAUSE)

- (SCREAMS) Sorry.

There's just someone standing
here to take me back upstairs,

and they gave me
a heck of a fright.

- Do they look like you?
- No. He's white.

I'm half white, but
he'sreallywhite.

- Right. - Not in a bad way.
- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- So, we understand
what's going on here?

You guys have to
bring in a doppelganger.

And I believe we have some doppelgangers
standing by somewhere lurking around.

- How do you know we're not them right now?
- (LAUGHTER)

- There's five potentially familiar
strangers lurking somewhere in the studio,

and we'll bring them out.
But first, here's some ads.

- We'll see in a moment.
- (APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to
Taskmaster episode eight.

What's Happening Here, Paul?

- Many weeks ago at
the Taskmaster Ranch,

we tasked our comedians with finding
a doppelganger for tonight's show.

- And whose doppelganger
are we going to meet first?

- Well, Jeremy,
believe it or not,

our doppelgangers have actually
been sitting here the whole time.

- You're kidding! Wow.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Look at that.

Well, it's a good opportunity,
Paul, for me to ask you ―

I've always wanted to hear a
Stick Man impersonation live.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Uh, sorry. I was
just walking outside,

- and I don't know what I'm doing here.
- (LAUGHTER)

- My name is Paolo, by the
way, and I'm from Mexico.

- I don't know what I'm doing here.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Kura, in terms of that
Sonny Bill Pizza Hut situation,

with you two, how often do
you revisit that in your mind?

- Look, every time I'm
intimate, um, I go there,

to just really get to that place
of pure pleasure, Jeremy.

- (LAUGHTER)
- And it works every time.

- Most of the time.
- (LAUGHTER)

- When I'm on my own, it works.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Justine, you look fantastic tonight.
Did you do your own make-up?

- Yes. Threw it in the air and ran into it.
- (LAUGHTER)

- And this is
what it looks like.

I didn't just wake
up like this, like you.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Josh, must have been hard
growing up in Timaru in the 1980s,

as the only person
with Tongan ancestry.

- (LAUGHTER)

- No.
- (LAUGHTER)

- I actually found living in the South
Island, looking like this wasn't an issue.

- (LAUGHTER)

- I know the feeling.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Chris, did you really have
to hold back the inner bitch,

when you were on
Celebrity Treasure Island?

- Nah.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Just came naturally.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Well, I'm gonna need
something to compare this to.

- We have some people who look
like these comedians standing nearby.

Up on the stage.

- (APPLAUSE)

- Uh, could we go for,
um, Paul and Paul first,

- please? Jeepers creepers.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Look at that.
- Kura and Kura.

- AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: We don't
even need to wear the same clothes.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Justine.

- Whoo-hoo!

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Josh and Josh.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Shit, that's good.
- Josh, did you put that make-up on,

I suggested?
- Uh, I did.

But then I realised I looked like Justin
Trudeau going to a dress-up party.

- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Finally, Chris and Chris.

- You might not get the resemblance
immediately when you see us side by side,

but he does this thing, and
when I saw it, I was, like,

'Oh, my God, that
completely looks like me.'

So if you could just do that, Chris, for me,
cos I just think you'll see the resemblance.

- It's just crazy to me.
- (SCREAMING)

- Yeah. Like, I saw
this guy, and I was, like,

- 'Oh my God.'
- (CHEERING)

- Whoa.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Isn't it uncanny?
- Uncanny.

- I don't even think we need the
side by side on this one, to be honest.

- Other Josh, get
up. Get up, get up.

- GROWLS: Yeah. Yes!
- (LAUGHTER)

- Yes! Yes!
- (WHISTLING)

- Take it off! Take it off!
- (LAUGHTER) - Yes!

- Hump the floor! Hump the floor!
- (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- I think in this situation,
five points for everyone.

Congratulations,
everyone. Five points.

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That's very good.

Our doppelgangers can head on backstage
and pick up their $50 Prezzy Cards.

It's time for another
task, please, Paul.

- Thank you, Jeremy.
- (LAUGHTER)

Here it is ― a task from
the Taskmaster house.

I worked very hard
on it. I hope you like it.

Here it is.

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

- (GIGGLES)

- (SIGHS)

- Oh my goodness me.

- (GASPS)

- Whoa!

- Hey, P Willy. - Hello, Paul.
- You've been busy.

Yes. (EXCLAIMS)

- Oh, that's really insulting,
isn't it? When you walk in

and the caravan rocks like that.
- Sorry.

- Jesus. This must be, what,

about $14 worth of
Blu-Tack sticking these all up?

- At least.
- Big budget on this show. - Yeah.

- Why are there so many
tasks? Do I pick one?

- All the information you need is in the task.
- CHUCKLES: Inthetask?

- I might start with this one.

Hee-hee-hee-hee.
Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

- READS: Complete the task.

- READS: This is not
the task. Fastest wins.

- READS: Your time started when
you... (SHRIEKS) entered the caravan!

Why did I do all that
cute 'hee-hee-hoo?'

- OK. Well, I guess I just have
to go through the tasks and find it.

- READS: Complete the
task. This is not the task.

Do you know which
one the task is?

- I can't remember. Sorry.
- (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- Looks like a Taskmaster's wet dream in
there with all of those tasks up on the wall.

There was more
tasks than wall space.

- It reeked of hot
wax in there too.

- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, is that what that was?

- Well, or Paul had been busy in there earlier. I don't know.
- That's what I thought.

- Right. I'd like to see
some ― if not a lot of ―

task opening, please, Paul.
- Here's a lot of people.

It's Kura, Chris, Josh and Paul.

- I reckon we just get into it.
READS: This is not the task.

- Not the task. Complete
the task. That's not the task.

- This is not the task.

This is not the task.
This is not the task.

- So they all say the same thing, apart from
the one that does not say the same thing.

- Do you remember which one
it was when you stuck them up?

- I'm sorry. - This is not the task.
- I got very confused.

- Remember how my favourite bit always
used to be opening these? Probs not now.

- (LAUGHTER) - 'This is
not the task you're looking for,'

said Obi-Wan
Kenobi in Star Trek.

- OK, that's gotta be a clue.

READS: Dy-af-ang-weh.

- I can't really read it. - OK.
- Do you know what that says?

- I think it's a different language.
- Yeah.

- Is that Welsh?
- Yeah.

- This one's in Te Reo. Are
any in any other languages?

- Konnichiwa. That's Japanese.

- I don't have time
to learn Japanese.

- Can we Google translate it?
- If you want.

- Google translate.

- Do you have the power to do that?
- Yeah. - Would you mind?

- OK.
- That would be so helpful. Thank you.

- I could translate it
with this. Come on,

the Wi-Fi. Oh, here we go.

READS: Complete the task.
This does not work. Fastest wins.

The time began when you got in the car! Are
you serious? They all say the same thing?

- Do you know what as well? I
reckon, you've gotta change the...

the system. This
is not the task.

Oh, look, I can just
peek. This is not the task.

- Oh God. I hope the
task is not cleaning up.

- Why are you looking over
there? What's over there?

- My God. I could
never be an athlete.

I'm exhausted from
opening envelopes.

- This is the task!

- This is the task!

- This is the task!

- This is the task!

- Thank you, Paul. Thank you.

READS: This is the task ― say
'thank you' to Paul. Fastest wins.

Your time started when
you entered the caravan.

- READS: Say 'thank
you' to Paul. Thank you.

- Thank you, Paul.

- Thank you, P Willy.

- I wish I'd picked that one first.
- (LAUGHTER)

- (SIGHS) Knackered! That's
why I don't work at the mail centre.

- (APPLAUSE)

- How did everyone's timings go?

- Kura took a total
of 7 minutes 43.

Josh did it quicker
― 5 minutes 51.

- Paul went quicker, even still ― 3 minutes 38.
- Wow. Nice.

- But Chris, the
quickest of them all ―

- 3 minutes 24.
- Wow.

- (APPLAUSE)
- Just 14 seconds faster than Paul.

- The old squeeze and peek.
- It worked well for you, the squeeze and peek.

- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah.
- I might try that.

- There's also clubs you can go to and do that.
- Yeah, yeah.

- Well, that's I learnt the technique.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Let's see our final contestant
and her gratitude to Paul.

- I will forever be
thanking this woman.

She once saved my life
― it's Juzzie of The Reef.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Complete the task, etc.

Complete the task, etc.

Is there a task in here?

- There's quite a few tasks.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Oh. Tasuku o kanryo shimasu.

That must be the
same in Japanese.

Or French, maybe.
Finissez la tache.

Ce n'est pas la tache.
Le plus rapid gagne.

Votre temps se commence lorsque
vous etes entre dans le caravan.

Do you like that French accent?
- I really did.

Thanks. Oh, yep.

- Maori. - Thank you, Justine.
- What?

Do you like that French accent?
- I really did. - Thanks.

SLOW MOTION: Thanks.

Thank you, Justine ―

am I finished?

- Yeah.

- You said fastest― Have I won?

- Yeah. - Wow.
- (LAUGHTER)

- You finished the task.
- Did I? - Yeah.

- OK.
- Thank you, Justine.

- Oh. Thank you, Paul.
- (LAUGHTER) - That's the weirdest task yet.

- Are you happy with that?
- I don't know. - OK.

Thank you.
- Thank you, Paul.

- That's not the first
time we've seen Justine

obliviously nail a task.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Goes to show what good character
and manners can do, actually.

- Thank you. Thank you.
- I suppose that's five points for Justine.

- You would suppose
that. However,

she was still the slowest.

- Aw.
- 8 minutes and 23 seconds.

- What a build-up!
- 8 minutes and 23 seconds?

- Yes, she quite enjoyed trying
to speak the other languages.

- Yeah. I was trying
to show off a little bit.

- Great manners, though. Great manners.
- (LAUGHTER)

- So as it currently stands
― Justine the slowest,

followed by Kura,
then Josh, then Paul,

and then Chris in
front with 3 minutes 24.

- However...
- What have I done?

- You have done nothing. - Oh.
- It is I who has done something.

I have an apology to make
to one of the contestants.

Well, actually, here's a clip.

- Dy-af-ang-weh.

I can't really read it.
- OK.

- Can we Google translate it?
- If you want.

- Would you mind?
- OK.

- That would be so
helpful. Thank you.

- ALL: Ooh.

- SLOW MOTION: Thank you.

- So, Kura said 'thank you'
earlier, and you missed it.

- I'm truly sorry.

But that does mean
that Kura said 'thank you'

in 2 minutes and 1 second.
- Wow.

- Thanks.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Meaning one point for Justine,
two points for Josh, three for Paul,

four for Chris and five
points for Kura Forrester.

- Thank you. Thanks.

- Let's allow that stirring
moral lesson to sink in,

whilst we let you also sink
in to some cold, hard ads.

We'll see you after the break.

- (APPLAUSE)

(APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We've had three tasks,

five comedians, five best
friends and five lookalikes.

But we're still no
closer to knowing

who's going home
with Kura's puppy.

- I did not think this through.
- You did not think that through at all.

- I hope I'm winning.
- All right, P Willy,

shake that little tail feather of yours
and conjure me up another task.

- This task involves
some familiar faces.

(JAUNTY MUSIC)

- Ooh.

Shit. What is this? I need to
warm up my shoulder, don't I?

- Look who it is.

- It's my best mate. And you're gonna make me fire an arrow at her.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Consuela. Good
to see him again.

- Hi, Lucy.

- Hi, Sacky. How are ya?

- There's a guy. He's got an apple.
- Is that a guy? - It does look like Tony.

- READS: Hit the apple
on your best friend's head.

- Using the weapons
from Paul's armoury.

- You cannot pass or
move the rope barrier.

- Fewest shots win.
Your time starts now.

- Spear ― good.
Pitchfork. Is that a toaster?

- Yeah. - OK.
- It's, like, for bread.

You put bread in there.
- Yeah. I've used a toaster. - OK.

- You know, I have to
really think about this.

Sacky has really
gone through it.

Basically open-heart surgery.

- Can you please
pass me all the stuff?

- So, none of you
seemed at all upset

that any of your best
friends were tied to a chair.

- Well, honestly, it was nothing
compared to the open-heart surgery.

- Yeah. Gorothia's used to it.

- Lucy's already dead, so...
- (LAUGHTER)

- With this task, you're
firing at the apple?

Or you can smash the best
friend, and the apple falls off?

- I mean, I would try and
avoid smashing my best friend,

personally. So what
we're looking for

is a direct hit of the
apple off the head, yes.

Up first ― Chris and Sacky,

Paul and Consuela
and Josh and Tony.

- Is that a microwave?
- Toaster. - Huh. Random.

- But if you need toast.

- This is huge.
- It does six slices of Vogel's.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Ooh.

- (LAUGHTER)
- Fuck, that felt good.

- Ooh. - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Well, the apple's off.

- Did it knock the apple off? It
looked like it just stabbed him in the leg.

- Look, it doesn't say
it has to hit the apple;

it says― Oh, it does
say 'Hit the apple.'

- (LAUGHTER)

- That hit in the chest.
- WHISPERS: Yep.

- Can I have the spear? How
often do you get to chuck a spear?

- Here's the thing. It's,
like, is it worth the points,

to just have a good
time? Points are amazing,

but so is...

Ooh, that felt good!

- (EXHALES)
- You hit your best friend.

- Well, glancing blow on
the shoulder. He'll be all right.

- Just gotta throw harder.
- (LAUGHTER)

- I mean, it kinda hit.

- The apple!

- That hit the apple.
- Yeah!

- I think that
hit the apple off.

What are you doing?
- I'm gonna throw a spear at Tony.

- Have you and Tony had a falling out?
- No,

but when was the last time
you threw a spear at someone?

- (LAUGHTER)

- Can I try the bow
and arrow? Just for fun?

And if you just go and stand next to my best
mate and just put that apple on your head.

- On my head?
- Yes, please.

GASPS: Oh! So close.

- Chuck me the pitchfork.
- (APPLAUSE, CHEERING, LAUGHTER)

- Is it nice hiffing a
toaster at your best friend?

- It just felt great,
throwing things.

Like, you don't often
get to do that stuff.

I've wanted to throw our
toaster at home for years.

- (LAUGHTER)
- You know, I put a slice of Vogel's

in it in 1978, and it
came up yesterday.

- (LAUGHTER)

- So Paul Ego took eight tosses to
hit his best friend's apple off his head.

- OK.
- Josh ― three hiffs with the toaster.

And Chris also only took three.

- (APPLAUSE)

- Up next, it's best
friends Justine and Lucy

- and Kura and Gorothia.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Can I have the bucket of rocks? I
mean, you'd be a lunatic to use the spear.

And I have to biff rocks
at my best friend, Lucy.

- It doesn't matter if
I bowl her over, eh?

- Well, I mean,
it's your best friend.

- Come on, for best
friend's sake. Oh.

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh.

- Argh!

- Oh!
- (LAUGHTER)

- (GRUNTS)
- Oh, you stupid idiot!

- Give me that big
javelin thing, please.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Can I please have a
coconut? I'm pissed off now.

Ooh, yeah. That's the ticket.

- (GROANS) - You wanna actually hit the apple.
- I know.

- Yep. Thank you.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Oh! It's so beautiful!
- (APPLAUSE)

- You hit her in the face quite a few times.
- I did hit her in the face

and in the boob. (GRUNTS)

God! That is so close!

- (LAUGHTER)
- (SCREAMS)

- (SCREAMS)

- ALL: Wahey!
- (LAUGHTER)

- I think that knocked the apple off.
- I do too.

- OK. - I've finished.
- OK.

- (APPLAUSE)

- I mean, for what
Lucy's been through

and the way that she died
with the balls to the face,

that must have been
bloody torture for her.

- I don't give a
shit about Lucy.

I was the one out there in
the sun, sweating my arse off,

chucking coconuts at a
piece of fuckin' stuffed fabric,

- you know?
- (LAUGHTER)

- I reckon Juzzie's at
breaking point right now.

- VOICE BREAKS: Yep.
- But if she's gonna make a scene,

- what a dress to do it in!
- True, true. - (LAUGHTER)

- So, Kura hit the
apple in 17 goes,

with a very clean hit,

and Justine very nearly
on the third attempt,

and then properly
on the 87th attempt.

- (ALL GASP)
- Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

- Oh, Juzzie.
- Oh my God.

- BOTH: 87.

- So that's one point for
Justine, two points for Kura,

three points for Paul,
and in first equal ―

- five points each for Josh and Chris.
- Well done.

- (CHEERING)

- Go give your best friend a text or
a call and tell them you love them!

We'll be back for
more after the break.

- (APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)

- Welcome back to the final part of
our eighth episode of Taskmaster.

On the line is something Woman's Day
Magazine would no doubt pay good money for ―

- a photo of the back of my head.
- (LAUGHTER)

- But first ― who is in front?

- In first place with 23 points,

- Chris Parker. - Ooh!
- (APPLAUSE)

- All right, comedians. Bring
yourself to an upright position

and put one leg in front of the
other until you reach the stage,

for our live task.

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I'll tell you what, Paul ― if you took off your
clothes, and when you stood in the middle there,

- it looked like one of my mum's nude art classes.
- (LAUGHTER)

Don't do that. Who's
gonna read the task?

- The episode
leader, Chris Parker.

- READS: Draw a
stunning self-portrait,

while playing tag.

- (LAUGHTER)

- READS: When you
are 'it', you cannot draw.

You must crawl on all fours

until you tag another player.

No backsies.

The person reading this
task will start being 'it'.

The most stunning
self-portrait wins.

You have 120 seconds.

- Your time starts on Paul's whistle.
- (LAUGHTER)

- (SNIFFS) Oh, I was gonna get― (SNIFFS) Oh, ooh.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Artists ready?
- BOTH: Yeah.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

- (JAUNTY MUSIC)
- BOTH: Come on, Juzzie!

- (CHEERING)

(WHOOPING, LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHTER)
- BOTH: Come on!

- Whoo-hoo!

- Oh!

- (LAUGHTER)

- Yeah, Juzzie!

- (LAUGHTER)
- Come on, Juzzie! Come on!

- (LAUGHTER, SCREAMING)

(LAUGHTER)

- Come on, Juzzie!

- Oh!

- Argh! - Hey!
- (LAUGHTER)

- Whoo!
- I'm exhausted!

- (WHOOPING)

- (LAUGHTER)
- Hi-yah!

Argh!

- Ah-ha-ha!
- (LAUGHTER)

- Come on, Kura!
- (LAUGHTER)

- (GROANS) Chris, tag out.

Thanks, brah.

- Argh!
- (LAUGHTER)

- Don't get me! Don't!

- Come on, Juzzie!

- (LAUGHTER)
- You've got 30 seconds.

- (SHOUTING,
SCREAMING, LAUGHTER)

- Argh!

- 20 seconds.

- (SCREAMS)
- (APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

- BOTH: Whoo!

- (LAUGHTER)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE) That's time.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Shall we start at this end?
- Let's see Chris's first.

- Hello, my name is Chris
Parker, and this is my picture.

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Uncanny likeness, Chris.

And the love hearts
as well. That's beautiful.

- I just really wanted to, um, embody
my experience about being on this show ―

I'm loving it. - Oh, that's nice.
- GOOFY VOICE: Hello.

- Um, this is mine.

- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- It's really good. - You've got a real style.
- Yeah, I got a real style.

On reflection, I realise just my
head looks very cock-and-ball-ish.

- Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Got a little assist there
from my friend Kura.

'I heart Kura.' Thanks, mate.

And consequently, I'm
walking Kura's little dog.

- Cute.
- Justine.

- This is my portrait of myself.
- That's so good! - Wow.

- (APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS)

- Va-va-voom.

- I've got a cocktail here and
a little special cigarette here.

And this is my picture.

- Kura, let's have a look at yours.
- Hi, I'm Kura,

and this is my picture.

- (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- It's kind of minimal cos I
spent lots of time on my knees.

- (LAUGHTER)

- And I got a little assist from
my mate, it says, 'I love Josh,'

which is true. - AUDIENCE: Aw.
- Can't wait to see yours, Paul Ego.

- Hi, I'm Paul Ego, and this is my self-portrait.
- (LAUGHTER)

- This is my very
bald, dome-like head.

I don't know what happened with
my arms. They kind of went a bit weird.

And I tried to do genitals,
but they're not great.

- (LAUGHTER)
- And it says, 'Hi. I'm Paul.'

- Aw, fantastic.
- (APPLAUSE)

- Thank you.
- It's gorgeous.

- Use your feet, like you're
meant to, and come on down.

- Thanks, man.
- (APPLAUSE)

- Nice to have everyone back.

Look, there's some
impressive drawing there.

I thought, Paul ―
you get one point.

I didn't like your
body proportions.

Kura, you get two points.
Three points for you, Josh.

Four points for Chris and
five points for Justine ―

- a beautiful piece of art.
- (CHEERING)

- Real good.
- So what does that mean for the episode?

- He's won three in a row.
- Wow.

- The winner of episode
eight ― Chris Parker.

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Congratulations
to Chris Parker.

Go claim your prize and make
Kura regret bringing a prize task

that simply solved
her lack of a dog-sitter.

- Away you go, Chris.
- (CHEERING)

That's our show. We've
seen best friends come and go,

and a collection of five
Auckland personalities

more desperate to be
on TV than our usual five.

And we've seen that our
winner tonight, of course,

- is Chris Parker!
- (APPLAUSE)

- We will be back here next week for
our second-to-last episode of the season.

We look forward to
seeing you. Pomarie.

Goodnight.

- BOTH: Aw!

- CUTESY VOICE:
You want some biscuits?

- (CHEERING)

- What do you think
about big men and milk?

- Yeah, it's good.

- The mystery here is why
you think I would care about this.

- Excuse your fucking mouth.

- Where is it? Where
is it? Where is it?

- This is really intense.

I'm gonna crash in
about 20 minutes.

But currently pretty good.