All language subtitles for Bojack.horseman.S04E03.STRiFE.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Oh.

- He'll be here.
- But his part is in 16 bars.

Excuse me. Sorry!

I heard before he played triangle
he was in a prison gang.

I heard he was a tech millionaire.

There is a rumor he is a foreign prince.

His name is Todd Chavez.

And he's the most giving man
the world has ever known.

He saved my pregnant daughter

from drowning in a shipwreck,

then he delivered her baby while

they rode on a piece of driftwood.

And then he circumcised her baby

while they both hung from the
ladder of the rescue helicopter.

Of course, before he did,

Todd Chavez explained that circumcision

has somewhat fallen out of vogue.

They had a spirited
but respectful debate,

and by the end my daughter decided

that since we are of Jewish heritage,

the boy might like to have the option

to become religious if he so chooses.

Sounds like he really
helped your daughter

make the decision that
was right for her family.

And last year, when our triangle
player died of starvation

after getting his foot
stuck in his triangle,

Todd Chavez took over
because we needed him.

- What a guy!
- He is always helping others.

You know, sometimes

when that triangle part is coming up,

I find myself hoping he won't show up.

No man should be asked
to give that much.

- He is truly the best of all of...
- Whoa!

Oh, hey, guys.

I was eating a taco earlier
and I got salsa on my shirt.

I went to clean it off, but then when

I put my hands in the automatic dryer

I forgot I was still holding the taco.

I got my hands all greasy,

so I couldn't open the
doorknob for an hour.

What you guys talking about?

- Synced and corrected by medvidecek007 -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -

So then at 11:00 you're gonna

be giving a policy speech on fracking.

Fracktastic!

Meanwhile, all this talk of
whatever it is you're talking about

- is making me hungry.
- Mmm?

Cheese? Yes, please!

Todd, don't distract Mr. Peanutbutter
with your weird pocket cheeses.

The issue is fracking and the people

really want to know your opinion.

Well, then, color me "the people"

because I would also
like to know my opinion.

You don't have one yet. The
polling research comes in today

and that will decide whether
you're for or against fracking.

Here's a thought: maybe
be against fracking.

- It's terrible!
- Diane.

Just my opinion. You don't
tell me how to do my job.

Also, fracking is the worst.
I can't believe you'd even

- consider endorsing it.
- Diane.

None of my business.
Gotta get to work. Love you!

- Bye, hon!
- But seriously, seriously,

if you come out in support of fracking

I'm gonna be super upset. Bye!

Where you stand on the issue
doesn't really matter.

What's important is that you
seem sincere and emphatic.

Ohh. Are you a fan of charming but

inessential Will Smith movies?

Because, slight Hitch, I
always show I'm empathic

by taking off my glasses
dramatically, but I kinda lost them.

Wow! This must be what I'd look like

to a starving shipwrecked person.

When did you last see the glasses?

I was in a meeting
with Princess Carolyn.

She was saying I'm
always forgetting stuff,

so I whipped off my glasses,

looked her square in the eye and said,

"I never forget a thing."

I might have left my glasses there.

Todd, you never do anything.

Why don't you take the
campaign bus over to VIM

and get Mr. Peanutbutter's glasses?

- Can you handle that?
- I never know if I can handle anything.

That's what makes my life so exciting.

Mr. Peanutbutter, there's a delivery!

He's busy! Just sign for it.

I can't sign for another man's mail.

That's how I ended up with the
cremains of Cornelius Vanderbilt.

It all started when a young Todd...

I don't have time for this!
I've got a job to do.

- It's Todd!
- It's me!

You are just the guy I need.

You know the actress Courtney Portnoy?

I think so. She portrayed the formerly

portly consort in The Seaport Resort?

Courtly roles like the
formerly portly consort

are Courtney Portnoy's forte,
but she's got a new action movie

that's supposed to change
her image: Ms. Taken.

You know Mr. Taken
from the Taken movies?

- This is his niece.
- Nice!

This was supposed to be
Courtney's crossover coronation.

But that's sort of been
thwarted, unfortunately,

'cause Courtney's
purportedly falling short

of shoring up four-quadrant support.

Makes perfect sense so far.

The public sees her as out of touch.

We need to make her seem relatable,

and the best way to do that

is to be seen dating a down-to-earth

boring nobody like yourself.

You can do that, right?
You're not doing anything.

I'm kind of busy today. I
gotta pick up these glasses,

and then tonight there was
this meeting I wanted to go to.

This will take no time, I promise.

Meet her for lunch.

The paparazzi will show
up, pop some razzis.

I do love getting my picture taken.

It's proof I exist.

Marvelous! Judah,
prepare the press release.

"Portnoy finds joy in
hoi polloi boy toy."

Well, we didn't get the polling
research on fracking...

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Because apparently when the delivery

- came someone wouldn't sign for it.
- Ooh.

In the future, whenever anyone asks

you to sign Mr. Peanutbutter's name,

- just sign it.
- You got it, chief.

All right, Middle-Aged Yeller,
here's what you're gonna do.

You're gonna give an
impassioned speech on fracking

that doesn't actually take a
stand either way on fracking.

Okay.

Good morning!

Let's talk fracking.

Everyone has very strong
opinions about it,

and I want you all to know,
right here and right now,

I am taking a stand.

I am on... your side!

- What side is that, specifically?
- Good question.

I am specifically on
the side of the facts,

and also on the side of feelings.

Well, I'm satisfied.

Oh, excuse me, would Mr. Peanutbutter

be willing to sign this letter
to our state government?

Yes. I'll write his name on anything.

Oh, thank you so much.

And down goes Todd.

And up comes Todd!

Aah!

- Whoa!
- Stay back!

Calm down, I'm not going to hurt you.

My name is Hollyhock Manheim-Mannheim-
Guerrero-Robinson-Zilberschlag

- Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack.
- Wait, wait, wait.

- What's your first name?
- Hollyhock.

And your last name?

Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-

Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack.

Got it.

- Wait, what's your last name?
- I know, it's confusing.

- I have eight dads.
- How'd that happen? Test tubes?

- No. I was adopted.
- Oh, of course.

By eight men in a committed
gay polyamorous relationship.

- Less of course.
- But ever since I was a baby,

people always said I looked like

- BoJack Horseman.
- That's a terrible

thing to say to a baby!

And I've always wondered if BoJack

could be my biological... sperm guy.

I guess it's possible.

BoJack used to say his penis
is like sun-dried tomatoes:

back in the '90s it got into everything.

I came to L.A. to get
to the bottom of things.

I even bought a deluxe spy kit.
Sorry about knocking you out.

Once you have chloroform,
you can't not use it.

No, I get it. BoJack had
one of those spy kits, too.

He mostly just used the
chloroform on himself, though.

I read in his book
that you live together.

- Can you help me find him?
- Sorry. I don't live there anymore.

And no one knows where
he's been for the last year.

I guess I don't have to meet him.

All I need is a DNA sample,

like a piece of hair or something.

I guess his house might have...

- Whoa!
- Sorry again. It's just so fun.

Okay, there might be some
hairs in the shower drain,

but hard to know who they belong to.

Everyone who has sex with BoJack usually

takes a long shower afterwards.

Hey, I think I see a hair.

Oh, no, BoJack.

- Yoink!
- What the... was...

- Okay.
- Okay, let's blow.

Blow? Who's got blow?
Save some for BoJack. Huh?

Wait, Todd? Oh, shit. Are you gonna

yell at me? Can I have the blow first?

No. BoJack, there's no blow, okay?

And I'm not going to yell at you.

- And what is this?
- I'm Hollyhock

Manheim-Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-

Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuack.

Of the New Haven Manheim-
Mannheim-Guerrero-Robinson-

Zilberschlag-Hsung-Fonzerelli-McQuacks?

That was a joke. Obviously, I've never

heard of your family and/or law firm.

That was also a joke. Todd,

who is this tough crowd
you brought to my home?

- Um, BoJack, this is your daught...
- Mm-mmm, mm-mmm!

... dot-dot maid.

Way to build up the suspense.

To, uh, tidy up the place
in case you came back.

You got me a maid? Thank you.

Here I thought Channing
Tatum was a good neighbor

for picking up my mail while I was gone,

but you, and after all
the things I did to you,

- I don't know how to tell you...
- BoJack,

we haven't talked in like a year,

and that's actually been
kind of working for me.

So, maybe it's better if we just

keep things like that, you know?

Oh. Okay.

So then why did you hire me...

Oh, yeah, deliver me.

You're welcome.
Now go get that DNA tested.

Can you tell me if this is a match?

- A match with who?
- Hollyhock.

Manheim-Mannheim-Gorilla-Rub-a-Dub-Dub

Zoolander-Hallelujah-
something-McDonald's?

Whatever those words are,
I need a sample from her, too.

Duh!

Bring it in an hour.
I gotta get to lunch.

Nothing like working with hair,
blood, and semen all day

to work up an appetite,
and it's already 1:00.

1:00? I gotta go meet
my fake girlfriend!

Oh, you have a fake girlfriend too?

Mine is a bunch of water
balloons with a blonde wig.

I suppose a fancy restaurant like this

is too fancy for a common
man such as yourself.

No, it's fine.

You'd probably like to take me
someplace rough and primitive.

Uh... do you want me to
take you somewhere else?

Well, if you must drag me on some

barbaric adventure, I can't stop you.

There's a Pony Roma's
at Universal CityWalk.

A chain restaurant?
Oh, God, no, I'll be mugged.

I can't do this.

Todd, I can never be your
dirty peasant girl, I'm sorry.

- I must abscond.
- Wait, Courtney!

Scusi, sir, would you care for a sample

of my father's famous
angel hair pomodoro?

Famous father? Hair? Sample?

- DNA?
- I no say DNA.

I gotta get back to Hollyhock.

Hollyhock, I need to get...

- Did you clean anything?
- No.

But I am learning so much about

my possibly-maybe birth father.

Like, did you know he has a shoebox
in his closet full of bad reviews

for other people's TV shows?

So all you've done so
far is snoop around?

I also ate a box of donuts,
got sleepy and took a nap.

Yeah, I'm not sure we really
need to do this DNA test.

Look, I didn't come all this way

to not find out who my
biological father is.

Okay, fine, then I just need you
to yank out a strand of hair

- so I can take it down to the lab.
- No way! That sounds painful.

- Can't we just use your hair?
- Um...

No.

No, but I can pull out some

of my hair at the same time,

- so you don't have to do it alone.
- Okay, that sounds fair.

On three, we pull.

- One... two... three!
- Ow!

Oh, wait, I have this whole
comb full of hair in my bag.

Duh!

Todd, can I see you for a minute?

This maid is the worst. I passed
out again for some reason.

When I woke up, the house was
messier than when she started.

I don't mind someone else
in the house with me,

in case I start choking on pills or

have a funny take on current
events that demands an audience,

but if she can't do her
job, I gotta fire her.

You can't do that!
Here, buzz up real nice,

take a nap, and while you're sleeping,

I'll get the maid to clean

so no one has to fire anyone.

Well, we did it.

What? I'm helping. I'm

cleaning out his DVR. Get it?

Okay, but you got it, right?

♪ To-To-To-Todd! ♪

Todd's phone, home of the Todd.

You quarter-wit. Turn on the news.

I don't want to be a manners police,

but a "hello" would be nice.

The letter, signed by
Mr. Peanutbutter himself,

in full, unambiguous

- support of fracking.
- Ooh.

The gubernatorial hopeful
has until now played coy

on the controversial issue of fra...

What happened? Randy pass
out on his keyboard?

Oh, he did? Oh, my God, is he okay?

Well, did someone call Cynthia?

No one called Cynthia?!

For Christ's sake, this isn't just
a newsroom, this is a family!

Jeez, I hope Randy's okay.

Forget Randy. Did you sign that
letter for Mr. Peanutbutter?

Yes. Should I have not done the
thing you literally told me to do?

Well, I guess we're pro-fracking now.

Hey, buddy, I just want you to know

that while Katrina is filled
with white-hot frustration

as she has been for much of
this campaign, I'm not mad.

I'm just nervous about what Diane

will do when she finds out.

But I've got a plan, and it stars you!

What? You want me to keep Diane away

from the TV, radio, and Internet?

Ohh! That's a way better idea
than I had. Yeah, do that.

Hollyhock, I gotta run.

I'll try to get the hairs tested today.

Just stay here and act maid-like.

Ah, okay.

Hey, look at me! I'm dancing.

The time is now! Don't miss out!

Okay, Todd, that's some good

dancing, but I've got work to do

and you've been dancing
for... 55 minutes?!

- What is this?
- It's a new dance.

I call it the... come on, stall, Todd.

Gotta think of something to call

this fake dance you just made up.

Samba.

That's amazing, and you're
amazing, and I want your pores.

Diane, I adored your sad

little story on refugees.

We have so many articles about
things people care about.

It's like supes refreshing to see

something that doesn't make you click,

but it does make you think.

Well, it's not like nobody
clicks on my articles.

You don't care if people read your work

or not. That's what's
so brave about you.

You inspire me to be my fiercest self.

Buh-buh-buh-bye!

♪ To-To-To-Todd! ♪

Todd's phone. I know
when that Toddline bling.

What happened at the restaurant?

You disappeared before the
paparazzi even got there.

The whole point was to
get a picture with her.

Oh! Oops.

Uh, you want me to draw
a picture from memory?

How tall is she? What is
she, like, eight feet?

Okay, plan B.

She's gonna be at the Sharc Jacobs
fashion show in 30 minutes.

There's an empty seat there
for her boyfriend, you.

Be there, get the photo. Got it? Click.

So, I gotta go.

How do I make people
care about important stuff

when all they want to do is read
articles about who got slayed

and who owned at the VMAs?

When I need Mr. Peanutbutter
to take his heartworm pills,

I always hide it in
cheese so he doesn't know

he's doing something he hates.

What if you take your important stuff

and hide it in some juicy gossip?

That's actually a really good idea.

But...

I don't know any gossip and I
wouldn't even know where to look.

The Internet?

No! Look at me!

Because I have potentially
earth-shattering inside info!

That beloved famous person, uh...

Channing Tatum may have
an illegitimate daughter

that's also a Cordovian refugee.

- Are you serious?
- I have these two hairs.

One is from Channing,
the other is from a baby.

If the DNA lab confirms a match,

you have your story.

Thanks, Todd. I owe you one.

Okay, but if it's a match,
please call me first.

'Cause, uh... 'cause
I love juicy gossip.

Where am I supposed to go? Okay.

"El Entrance?"

Gracias, sign. Muy bien.

Um...

Good heavens! What's this?

Uh... okay.

And this is how I walk...

He's so normal.

Uh... hmm... uh...

Where's the hollow look of someone
forced to starve themselves

to fit our unrealistic expectation
of what beauty should be?

He is not making it work.

- No! Wait!
- Huh?

Isn't fashion supposed
to be for everyone?

That behatted boy is right.

Fashion was never meant to be

an inherently elitist form.

We need to return fashion

to its utilitarian roots.

Give it back to the people!

Bravo! He is making it work.

♪ To-To-To-Todd! ♪

Todd's phone. Leave a
message at the Todd.

The DNA matched!

Looks like a wide
variety of screen roles

isn't the only thing
Channing brought life to.

It's a match? I gotta tell Holly...

Woo agents

to keep their eyes peeled
for a refugee baby

with abs to die for.

Nick, tell Janae to stock the
warehouse with red hoodies.

- This is the look of the future.
- Couch-surfer couture!

Where's Hollyhock?
I need to talk to her.

- She's in maid heaven.
- She's dead?!

Sorry, I meant she belongs in maid

heaven because she is a cleaning angel.

- Where is she?
- I sent her to Channing Tatum's house

to pay him back for collecting
my mail while I was out of town.

Looks like I missed quite
a deal at Pottery Barn.

Life is but an endless series
of missed opportunities,

some involving Pottery Barn.

- Okay, I'm gonna...
- Can you believe this?

Mr. Peanutbutter's running for governor.

I can believe it, because I've

been around for the last year.

Right. How's Diane feel about that?

You could ask her yourself.
Does she even know you're back?

I wanted to call her,
but I'm just not ready.

Nobody knows I'm back except you.

And Channing Tatum, and my pills guy,

and my booze guy, my
weed guy, my coke guy,

some smartass at Pizza Hut who

deserved an in-person
finger-wagging, and my maid.

And now she's at Channing Tatum's house?

I came back because
I wanted to fix things,

- but now I don't know if I can.
- Uh-huh.

I've been so lucky to have people
in my life who care about me.

I don't deserve any of them.

I definitely don't deserve
to have a friend as amazing

and generous and forgiving
and thoughtful as...

- Yeah? Oh.
- Channing Tatum.

I'm only gonna hurt him like
I've hurt everyone else.

I was a fool to think I could just

jump back into a new relationship.
Can you go over to Channing Tatum's

house, tell him I won't be his friend?

I can't break another heart.
Not today, not Channing.

Okay.

Hollyhock, I need

- to tell you something.
- Did you get the results?

'Cause I'm really looking forward
to dropping this whole maid thing,

even though I'm kind of nailing it.

Are you sure you want to know?

I don't know if BoJack is ready

for a normal relationship with anyone.

Oh.

Well, that's fine.

I don't want a relationship.

I already have eight dads.

It's not like a ninth dad is what

I need to suddenly
fill a hole in my life

that the unconditional love of
eight dads couldn't already fill.

Well, then good news.

I got the results and...

It's not a match.

- Oh. Really?
- Yeah. Good news, right?

I shouldn't have come here.

Papa Steve told me this was a bad idea.

But Papa Greg said, "Follow your heart."

Then Papa Dashawn said,
"I agree with Greg."

Daddy Quackers said, "Let's put
it to a vote, quack-quack."

- Hello? Anybody home?
- Get down! Go, go, go! Shh.

I can hear someone in there. Channing?

Jenna Dewan? Their daughter,
Everly Elizabeth?

Uh, it's me...

Channing Tatum.

I'm in the middle of,
uh, Channing right now,

but you can come back...

- Tatum?
- Listen, I'm a reporter.

I tested your DNA against
another sample's DNA,

and apparently the two are related.

- You're a father.
- Wait, what?

- Okay. Thanks!
- Todd.

I was going to write a story and

drag your name through the mud

just because I thought a couple more

people would click
on an article I wrote.

But I don't think that's the
kind of journalist I want to be.

Maybe I'm not cut out
for this line of work.

Sorry to bother you.

Uh...

Hey, I obviously don't know you

because I am Channing Tatum,

the guy from Green Lantern or whatever,

and you are a nobody, but you
came all the way over here

to warn me about something
you hadn't even written yet.

You ask me, movie star Channing Tatum,

I'd say you're exactly the kind of

journalist we need in this world.

Wow!

That doesn't sound at all
like Channing Tatum's voice,

but that is the kind of thing I would

want Channing Tatum to say to me,

so thanks, Channing.

Love half your movies!

That was a close one, huh, Hollyhock?

- Hollyhock?
- ♪ To-To-To-Todd! ♪

Todd's phone. What do you want?

So, I see lots of pictures
of you at the fashion show,

- but none of you with Courtney.
- Oh, crap!

- Hi.
- Oh, hello.

Uh, why are you wearing my clothes?

These aren't anything like your clothes.

This hat alone cost $50,000.

Oh. So, uh...

What's it like being a movie star?

It's awfully trying.

Do you ever feel like
everyone's looking at you

- but nobody sees you?
- Yeah, that's exactly how I feel.

No, I was speaking rhetorically about

a feeling that only movie stars get.

Ohh.

- Okay.
- But it feels good to talk about it.

Yeah. Talking's good.

You know, there was a meeting
I was supposed to go to tonight,

but I don't think I'm gonna go.
I don't know if I'm ready.

- Ready for what?
- What if it's not everything

I want it to be?

Sometimes the idea of something is

better than the truth, you know?

I always prefer fiction
to truth, personally.

I've staked my career on it.

Yeah, that makes sense.

- Ha hah!
- Smile for the birdie.

Hey, Courtney, you canoodling
with a supermodel now?

- That's right.
- Fancy.

I love how not down-to-earth
you are together.

This is going to really make
headlines when you two break up.

Here's an even bigger headline:
we shan't be breaking up.

- We're engaged!
- Wowee!

Hooray! I'm confused!

Hollyhock? Are you here?

No, but BoJack, who lives here, is here.

BoJack, I gotta tell you, um...

- Hollyhock is your daughter.
- What do you mean?

- She's your daughter.
- I don't understand.

- She has Horseman DNA.
- What is that mean?

- You're her father.
- That's impossible. I'm BoJack.

She didn't want me to tell you,

but I thought you should know.

I guess I don't blame her.

I wouldn't want to be
my daughter either.

BoJack...

Look what I do to people
I'm supposed to care about.

I had sex with the one person I've
ever seen you be in love with.

I guess they're not gonna put you
in the best friends hall of fame,

but I don't know that I loved her.

I don't think I'm allowed to be in love.

Don't say that. You do
so much for everybody.

All you ever asked for was
a roof over your head

and the occasional s'more in a baguette.

I'm telling you, it's a
million-dollar idea.

I got more of you than I ever deserved.

If you never talk to me again
I just want you to know

that I appreciate it,
and I appreciate you.

Thanks.

It was shitty what you did
with Emily, but, um...

I think I'm...

Asexual.

A sexual what? Dynamo, deviant?

Harassment lawsuit waiting to happen?

No. Asexual, not sexual.

- Ohh.
- I'm sure you think that's weird.

Are you kidding? That's amazing.

Sometimes I wish I was asexual.

Maybe then I wouldn't
have a strain of herpes.

- You have multiple strains...
- I know.

The joke only works with the "a".

It actually feels nice to
finally say it out loud.

I am an asexual person.

- I am asexual.
- That's great.

So if you're not mad about Emily...

It wasn't just Emily, BoJack,

and I don't know if I'm ready
for us to be friends again yet.

- Oh. Okay.
- But we can be more than not-friends.

You know, for an asexual,

more than not-friends is probably
as good as it gets, right?

I'm not really at a place yet
where I want to joke about it.

- Got it, got it, totally.
- But it feels good to talk about it.

Well, if you ever need a place
to crash, that couch...

- I'm gonna go.
- Oh.

- Right now?
- Welcome back, BoJack.

It's good to see you.

Uh...

Hmm.

Todd?

_

Hmm.

Good for him.

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