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Ground floor perfumery, stationery and
leather goods, wigs and haberdashery,

kitchenware and food going off.

First floor, telephone, gents, ready
-made food, gents, socks, pie pads,

underwear and shoes going off. Good
morning, Captain Deacock.

8 .58.

As departmental head of ladies' ready
-made, I hardly think it necessary for

to clock in like a char.

I'm not asking you to do anything that I
have not done myself, Mrs. Slocum.

Captain Peacock, 831.

And what has happened to Miss Browns?
She isn't late. She's powdering her

She ought to sign in first. It was very
urgent that she powdered it when she

did.

And I gave her permission so to do.

Bring Captain Peacock.

8 .59 and 10... 10 seconds.

I would have been here at 8 .58, but I
caught my handbag in the middle.

Handbag? Well, it's Miss Brahms,
actually. She left it on the stairs.

She must have been in rather a hurry.

Besides, I wouldn't be seen dead with
imitation crocodile.

Not with these shoes, anyway.

Morning, Mr Granger.

Good morning, Mr Humphrey. My word, we
have got nice rosy cheeks this morning.

Yes, I walked through the park in order
to give my toast crust to the ducks.

My wife doesn't like me to leave them,
but these new teeth of mine are a little

too much for them.

You know, even the ducks have to wait
until they go soggy.

They'll probably be all right when
you've run them in a bit.

That was a near thing.

Not quite dear enough, Mr. Lucas.

It is one minute past nine.

Oh, dear. Have all the customers gone?

There's not a point, Mr.

Lucas. You are expected here at nine o
'clock, not one minute after. Oh, well,

Captain, I was here. I was outside at
five minutes to nine. But just as I was

coming in, a man was crossing the road
and he got knocked down.

A tall, military -looking man he was.
Oh, dearie me, I thought, it's Captain

Peacock. He was early like me and he's
got knocked down crossing the road.

My heart was in my mouth, sir.

I thought to myself, not Captain
Peacock, not struck down at the height

career. Stand back, I said, I'll give my
blood for Captain Peacock.

Anyway, by the time I'd fought my way
through the crowd, found out it wasn't

but some dirty old tramp, and then got
back here, it was one with it all.

Oh, just a minute, sir.

What is it?

A small insect has crept out of your
carnation and crouched on your collar.

Deal with it, Lucas. Certainly, sir.

There you are, it's dead.

Was there anything else, sir? Yes.

Get me a 15 and a half collar from stock
and then present yourself at Mr

Rumble's office at 9 .15 with your sales
book.

Yes, sir. Certainly, sir.

Sorry I'm late, Captain Peacock. That's
all right, Miss Brown. Oh, it's all

right for her, is it?

She has been powdering her nose. Why is
it so shiny, then?

To your counter, Mr Lucas.

Sir. Take your coat.

Did you have a nice little chat?

He said, I've got a report to rumble at
9 .15 with my sales book. What does that

mean? Well, in the terms of the
Almighty's grand plan for the universe,

little. But as far as you're concerned,
it probably means you'll be at the

labour exchange at half past nine.

I was struggling with it for ten minutes
yesterday and in front of a customer,

too. Mine's just as bad.

If it's damp weather, it's always the
same.

I'd better give it a bit of
encouragement.

Are they all there, do you think?

Well, there should be, Mr. Rumboat. It's
nearly five past nine.

Right, and I'll go and have a word.

Is Captain Peacock there? He's just
arrived, sir. He's just putting his

on. What?

Does he expect you to get dressed before
you arrive at Grace Brothers, Captain

Peacock? I do not expect to find you
unattired at five past nine.

I can explain.

I don't want to hear any excuses. I want
to have a word with all the members of

your department.

Of course, of course.

Mr. Granger, would you step this way,
please, if you're free?

Yes, I'm free, Captain Peacock.

Mr. Humphreys, Mr. Lucas?

Free, Captain Peacock. Oh, very free,
Captain Peacock. Step this way.

Mrs. Slocum, Miss Brahms, one moment,
please.

Miss Brahms?

Before we go any further, Mr.

Rumbled... Miss Brahms and I would like
to complain about the state of our

drawers. There are... There are positive
disgrace.

Your what, Mrs. Slocum? Our drawers.
They're sticking.

They're all the same in damp weather.

Really? Miss Brahms could hardly shift
hers at all just now.

No wonder she was late.

They sent up a man who put beeswax on
them, but that made it worse.

I'm not surprised.

I... I think they need sandpapering.

Would that help, do you think, Peacock?
Well, you see, I puff French chalk on

mine, and they're as smooth as silk.

Perhaps you could puff some French chalk
over Mrs. Slocum's.

Would that solve your problem, Mrs.
Slocum? They ought to be changed.

I've had them ever since I've been here.

Perhaps we could look into it some other
time, Mrs. Clocombe. Mr. Rumbold has

matters of a much more pressing nature
to discuss.

They're very pressing as far as I'm
concerned.

Perhaps Mr.

Rumbold would like to have a go and see
how far he gets.

I think we should consider the matter
closed for the moment, Mrs. Clocombe.

Now, I have been deeply distressed to
learn of the slump in our sales over the

past four weeks, which I'm sure you've
all observed. Yes, I have observed it.

Haven't you, Mr. Granger? Oh, a very
definite slump, I would say. Had you

observed it, Mr. Humphrey? Oh, I've
observed it, Mr. Granger. You observed

too, didn't you? Oh, yes, I have.

I had observed it, Mr. Humphreys. Yes,
oh, yes. If you remember rightly, I

mentioned it to you last Tuesday. Yes,
and I mentioned it to you, Captain

Peacock. That's right.

That's what caused me to discuss it with
you, sir.

I think that's what first alerted me to
the crisis in the first place.

Now, the thing is, I don't want to put
too fine a point upon it. Why?

Ah.

Have you any theories to advance, Mr.
Graydon? After all, you've been with us

longer than most.

Well, from a very considerable
experience in the trade, I would say

things come and go.

That's very true, of course. And very
profound.

What about you, Mr. Humphreys?

As departmental head of the ladies'
section, I think I should have been

next. Of course, Mrs. Slocum, I'm sorry.
Have you any suggestions?

No.

But I do like to be asked.

Well, I think it's the weather, don't
you, Mr. Lucas? Yes, yes, that's it,

definitely, definitely, yes, it's
definitely... Oh, it's the weather, yes.

That, plus the fact we've had no
customers.

Well, the points that you've all raised
are very valid, but I think the time has

come for action.

Hear, hear.

Thank you.

I therefore think it would pay us to
examine our whole customer handling

technique.

And to that end, I shall be holding a
course in salesmanship, a class in

salesmanship, this evening after the
store closes.

You mean in our own time?

It's very short notice.

There's my pussy to consider.

I beg your pardon? Who's going to let it
out?

If it's not convenient, I shall of
course understand. But I would remind

that unless sales improve, we shall have
to cut down on our stuff.

Oh, it's convenient.

I suppose it'll be all right.

Tiddles will have to cross his legs.

I presume you will not be needing me,
sir. I have two tickets for the Tidworth

tattoo.

Your attendance would be valuable,
Captain Peacock. It's ta -ta to the

Yes, well, I think that's all for the
moment. Oh, Mr.

Lucas, perhaps you will come to my
office now. I want to go over your

sales record for the past month.

Oh, and bring your book with you.

I don't know what you want your book
for. I would have thought you'd remember

your sales, all three of them.

Oh, charming.

Hey -ho, hey -ho.

It's out of work we go.

Honestly,

it's the limit. They don't consider your
private life at all.

Did you have a date?

No, but I might have had.

I suppose I ought to phone Mrs. Granger
and tell her to keep the pie warm in the

oven. Yes, tell her to turn the regular
down to a quarter. If she hardens that

crust, it'll play havoc with your gums.

Right, physicians, everybody, the
meeting's over.

Come along, Mrs. Come along.

Come in, Mr. Lucas.

I believe you wanted to have a little
chat with me, sir.

Shut the door, please.

Now, Lucas, I have here your personal
sales graph.

I presume you know what this means.

Are you... Are you sure it's the right
way up, sir?

I'm afraid so.

I presume you understand it.

Well, if I was a doctor, the patient
would be dead.

There is no cause for levity.

It's nerve, sir.

Understandable. Nonetheless, this is a
very poor performance.

I always think that there is a reason
for a poor performance.

Now, a happy salesman is a good
salesman.

And you don't look happy, Mr. Lucas.

I think if you could smile more, it
would help.

Well, I'm sorry if I haven't been
smiling enough, Mr Rumble.

But there must be a reason. Are you...
And I do wish to pry, but are you... Are

you unhappy at home?

Ah.

Yes.

That could very well be it, yes.

And now we're getting somewhere. Sit
down and tell me about it. Thank you.

It's my environment, you see, sir.

You see, I've only got this one shabby
little room. In Highgate, isn't it?

yeah. Very poor part of Highgate,
though, mind. I mean... And ever since

in that agent to help make Ent meet,
well... The train had been too much for

crippled mother and she's had to give up
her job at the skating rink.

Take it, take it, take in the tickets.

I had no idea.

Yes.

Well...

What with that, and the fact that the...
the cat got asthma and has been

coughing... Well, what with all that,
and also the fact that I have to... we

have to cook on a broken old gas ring,
well... There are days when somehow life

seems to have lost its magic.

And particularly since we had an
eviction order this morning.

But as you suggest, Mr Rumbold, I... I
will do my best and try and smile a bit

more.

This really is the most terrible story.
Is it?

I feel it should be entered into your
record.

Ah, yes.

Now, let me see. You live in
Cripplegate. I get it.

And your mother is an Asian. No, no,
it's okay.

Your mother has a cough. No, no, the
cat's got a cough.

And you're supporting this Asian on a
broken gas ring.

Shall I write it down for you?

Yes, well, if the elastic goes again,
we'll return them to the manufacturer.

Good morning, madam.

Good morning, madam.

Good morning.

Mrs. Locke, I hope your cat won't suffer
unduly from its enforced confinement.

Oh, it's not confined.

It's shut up.

Well, let's hope that you won't be too
late.

And too bad about your tattoo, Captain
Peacock. I always thought tattoos were

things you did on men's chests with
needles and glue in.

Not only on men's chests, Miss Brown.

Captain Peacock, what will you say next?

Well, as a matter of fact, it reminds me
of a bit of doggerel I picked up in the

mess.

Oh, yes.

On the chest of a barmaid from sale...

was tattooed all the prices of ale.

Whilst on her behind, for the sake of
the blind, was precisely the same, but

braille.

Will that be all, Captain Peter?

I do hope your husband likes the
sweater, Mel. And the washing

very simple. Use lukewarm water.

No soap, no detergent, and don't put it
in the washing machine.

And don't dry it in the sun or in front
of an open fire.

Oh, and madam, if I were you, half revs
on the spin dryer.

Go back quick. I was just going to start
a collection for your leaving present.

I'll talk myself out of it. I'm staying
on.

What did you tell him about your
grandfather in the iron lung and how you

afford a shilling for the meter?

No, I gave him the crippled mother with
the Asian and the asthmatic cat.

You used a lot of material there.

What did he say?

He said I should try and smile a bit
more.

Is that it?

Take that silly grin off your face, Mr.
Lotus.

It's very bad for trade.

You just can't win, can you?

Take a notice of him. He's jealous.

If he tried it, they'd drop on the
floor.

You're talking, Lucas, to the customer?

A customer? We'd better have a two
-minute silence.

Don't be facetious, Mr Lucas.

Your future with this firm is still very
much in the balance, you know.

Mr Granger, are you free?

Oh, yes, yes, I'm free.

Yours.

I beg your pardon?

Shop!

Are you being fast?

No, and I'd like to see the assistant
who served me last Tuesday.

Oh, yes, dear. That'll be our Mr
Humphreys, I think.

Mr Humphreys, are you free?

Yes, I'm free, Mr Griffith.

Good morning, sir. Can I help you?

No, it wasn't you I wanted.

He was younger and good -looking.

It had to happen eventually.

Mr.

Lucas, are you free, Mr. Lucas?

Oh, as free as air, Mr. Glenn.

Yes, that's the one I want.

There's no accounting for taste.

Well, I'll leave you. Well, I'm Mr.
Lucas.

Yes, I remember you, sir.

You're the gentleman I sold the Glenn
check with the two vets to last Tuesday.

That's right. And you said if I decided
I didn't like it, I could bring it back

and you'd refund my money.

Did I say that?

Yes. And I don't like it.

Well, you did like it.

Well, it's my wife that doesn't like it.

Yeah, well, Glencheck, take a bit of
getting used to.

I don't want to get used to it. I just
want my money back.

If I may interrupt for the moment, sir.

We are, of course, willing to accept the
return of your garment, but it is not

our policy to refund.

We can, however, give you a credit note
for that amount. But he said if I didn't

like it, I could have my money back.

Did you say that?

I might have done.

Well,

in a sudden rush of enthusiasm, I might
have given that impression.

Mr. Lucas, did you or did you not say
that the customer could have his money

back? I must have an answer.

How would a loose yes do?

Well, in the light of Mr. Lucas's
confession, sir, we have no alternative

return your money.

Lucas Till.

Oh, things seem to be improving for you,
Mr. Lucas.

How much am I to ring up? Ring down £20
.50.

Ring down? Glass of water, Mr. Granger.

What I don't know what cost wallet this
is.

Well, are you going out tonight, then?
No.

out to the pictures with me then.

What's done?

Well, there's Bambi at Studio 2 and then
round the corner there's the

unsatisfied virgin.

I've seen Bambi.

Don't forget that because by the time
Rumble's finished rabbiting on, the

will have been satisfied and they'll all
have gone home.

I'll tell you what, you pretend to faint
and I'll carry you out.

I can't faint without an excuse.

Well, tell them you're having a baby.

Wouldn't it be to your ear, old, aren't
a bit bigger? Why?

Because then you could shove a
toothbrush in him and clean out that

of yours.

Look out, here comes Rumbled.

Is everybody here?

Oh, just coming, Mr Rumbled.

I was putting my evening face on.

And it's even lovelier than the morning
one, Mrs Sloane.

Oh, thank you, Mr Lucas.

Delegated Mr Humphreys, do get some
refreshments from the canteen, sir. Hot

cocoa and buns.

Hot cocoa, Miss Brahms? Did you hear
that? Hot cocoa and buns.

It makes the whole thing worthwhile.

Of course, there'll be a collection for
it.

Oh, I think the management would allow
that out of the petty cash.

Oh, that's most generous, Mr Brumbold.
Yes, the Grace brothers certainly know

how to look after their workers.

Oh, well, we do our best. A satisfied
team is an efficient team.

And a satisfied virgin is a virgin no
longer.

Dinner is served.

Where shall I put it?

Right,

now then.

Oh, where's Mr Granger?

He was here a short time ago, sir.

Taking stock of his shirt, sir. See if
you can find him, Mr Lucas, will you?

yes, certainly, Captain Peacock. He's
probably putting his evening set of

in.

Mr Granger!

Mr Granger!

Mr...

I think Mr. Granger's died at his post.

Unless I'm terribly mistaken, he's gone
down with his shirt.

Don't be witty, Mr. Lucas.

After this morning's incident, your
continued employment with Grace Brothers

a matter for grave doubt.

Oh, soul, he's been on his feet all day.

He probably goes to sleep about this
time on the train.

Mr. Granger?

Mr. Granger?

Mr. Granger?

Miss Browns?

Mr. Granger?

Bordy?

One hesitates to lay hands on him,
but... Oh, no, no, I wouldn't devour

Rumble. No, no, no. I mean, just think
of it. Sudden shock, heart attack, kicks

the bucket.

News of the world, aged worker dies at
hands of overseer. That wouldn't look

good on me.

Captain Peacock, I think I know what to
do.

Are you free, Mr. Granger? Yes, I'm
free.

Good afternoon, Mr. Granger. I think
we're ready for you now. Oh, I'm ready.

Now, if you'll all take your places.

Now then, the first question we have to
decide on is, do we take our cocoa and

buns now, or do we wait until we've been
going for an hour or two?

Perhaps you should ask the ladies.

Mrs. Slocum, do you feel like having
cocoa and buns now?

I never feel like having cocoa and buns.

If I'd known the firm was going to be so
stingy, I'd have gone out and had a

wimpy cheeseburger.

I believe there's some cheese in the
buns.

I don't like cheese.

There's not very much cheese in the
buns.

I feel I should mention that young Mr.
Grace may be coming through during our

conference, so perhaps it would be as
well to eat now and get to the... Get

banquet over and done with, yes.

I'll take it then. And let's not bother
about seniority. Let's just dive in, eh?

Good idea.

Would you like to be mother, Mrs.
Slocum?

Well, seeing as I'm not having any, I
don't see why I should be lumbered

it out.

Perhaps you'd do the honours, Captain
Peacock.

Certainly.

I'll see if I can find you a softer one.

Wait a minute.

Do you mind?

Those that you haven't squeezed around,
he's had his chops around.

Puts me off.

Aren't you going to have one, Mr
Rumbone?

No, I don't think I want one, thank you.

Anyone else for an half -eaten cheese
roll?

Anyone for the cheese inside there?

Hardly used, one careful owner.

Do you want that one, Coco?

Yes, but I'll have some just the same.

Oh, that army training certainly came in
useful, Captain Peacock.

Now, shall we get down to the purpose
for which we are come together?

I was wondering when we were going to
get round to that.

Now, I think it would pass to examine
our whole modus operandi,

as it were. These are the handling of
customers from the moment they arrive to

the moment when we make the sale.

Or not.

I sometimes regard our whole
organisation as a ship at sea.

Peacock here is at the helm, keeping his
eyes skinned. I am in the engine room,

making sure we're all going full steam
ahead.

And you men are the crew.

What's it called, the Titanic?

And what about the ladies?

Oh, you're the crew too.

Now... What happens when the lift doors
open and out steps a customer? Your man,

the lifeboat.

I will tell you what happens.

Captain Peacock spots him and steers him
over to the counter.

I see, yes, I see, sir, yes. The
customer has now become the ship.

And all the counters are docks.

And when he gets to one of our counters,
we tie him up with our tape measure and

hang on to him until he's been unloaded.

That's not quite what I meant.

Perhaps if I could put it not more
succinctly, but in a way that would be

easily grasped by those unable to
understand your simile.

I look upon it as a battle.

The customer is the enemy.

We deploy our forces, lift doors open,
customer steps out, and what happens? We

open up the machine guns and bang, bang,
he's dead.

If we're going on like this, I'm going
home.

Bear with me, bear with me. Now, I
engage the customer in a little verbal

skirmish. He is then outflanked by the
ever -alert Mr. Granger.

Are you free, Mr. Granger? Yes, I'm
free.

Thank you.

Now, the trouble appears to be that some
of the customers are getting away.

Now... Where is the weak link in the
chain?

I think you may have something there,
Captain Peacock. Perhaps there is a weak

link in the chain.

Perhaps we really should examine our
whole customer handling technique from

very beginning.

Now, I will be a customer.

I shall arrive at the lift, and I want
you all to take it right through from

moment when Captain Peacock spots me to
the moment when we make the sale. Good

idea.

all to observe very carefully what
happens. We may possibly learn something

this. Now, deploy yourselves in your
usual positions and keep your eyes open.

As Mr. Rumbold says, we may all learn
something from this.

We're ready, Mr. Rumbold.

He's stuck.

We've learned something, Miss Brown.

We've learned that Mr. Rumble doesn't
know how to open the lifts.

I'm sorry. I pushed the floor button,
then the lift moved, so I pushed the

emergency stop, and then, of course, the
doors wouldn't open.

Oh, there's somebody coming down in the
other lift.

That'll be young Mr. Grace.

Is my hair tidy?

Good evening, everybody. Good evening,
Mr. Grace.

I hear you've been having a sales
conference.

That's right, Mr. Grace. And it's been
going very well, sir.

I was a salesman once, you know.

I had a stall in the market.

We sold fish.

Smelly stuff.

You were very wise to have a department
store instead, Mr. Grace.

We've been having a good tuck -in, Mrs.
Stokeham.

Yes, thank you, Mr. Grace. It was
delicious.

Good. Well, I'm glad we're looking after
you.

Well, you've all done very well, and
it's time you all went home.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Grace. Couch up.

You're a cheeky young monkey, aren't
you?

One of our most promising young men,
sir. Well, sir, it's a good fit.

Nice material.

It's by Cunha, sir.

Yes, I always were, thank you, no?

Well, I'll take it.

Have it put on my account.

A very thoughtful sale.

Personally trained by me, sir. Yes, we
could do with more of that sort.

Yes, indeed, sir.

Well, don't be late in the morning.

No, Mr. Grant.

You've all done very well.

Thank you, Mr. Grant.

He seems in a very good mood.

I've seldom seen him in such a good
mood.

And that was a very smart bit of
selling, Mr. Lucas. You see, the smile

trick. Oh, it does indeed, Mr. Rumboldt.

You obviously know your stock very well.

Even I was unaware that we had a Vicuna
coat.

We haven't.

Mr. Lucas sold Mr.

Grace his own coat.

Mr. Lucas sold Mr.

Grace Mr.

Lucas's coat?

No.

Mr. Lucas sold Mr.

Grace Mr. Grace's coat.

I see.

Well, I think we've all learned a great
deal this evening.

Here, do you still fancy the unsatisfied
virgin?

Well, I'm game of your game.

I must practice that smile myself.