Original subtitles

You were havin' happy hour with your pals the other day...

WAYNE: Bottoms up, super chieftains.

DAN: Did yous ever wonder why we tap the glasses twice?

�Two'll do ya. �I always thought we should tap

three times like in wrasslin'.

That's how they finish the match.

I prefer throwin' hands to wrasslin'.

You don't like sports entertainment, Wayne?

I got a wee bit of time for sports entertainment.

�Mike the Miz. �He your favorite?

If you could name your favorite wrestler,

I will assume you want to fuck them.

�Alexa Bliss. �There ya go.

Actually, (MIMICKING HULK HOGAN) brother...

It's well documented that I'm a Hulkster fan,

(MIMICKING HULK HOGAN) Brother...

Who's your favorite, Dan?

�I'm listening. �Trish Stratus.

For what reason? 'Cause she's Canadian?

I can think of a couple big'ol reasons.

�Like what? �Well...

Her athleticisms and integrities.

Wanna know what, I'm not gonna say he's my favorite,

for reasons aforementioned,

but it's Bret the Hitman Hart.

The whole fuckin' Hart Foundation

are really good Canadian boys.

I once put my little cousint into a sharpshooter for calling

Bret the Hitman Hart, Bret the Hitman Fart.

I always had dreams of becoming

a professional wrestler. But I could never come up

with a good ring names.

�Dan Dan Bigelow. �Macho Dan.

(GIGGLES) Could call ya... Farty Jannetty.

And then we could be a tag team like the Rockers.

Oh, that's kind of fun. Okay.

So, if you're gonna be Farty Jannety,

�who's Dary? �Think Shawn Michaels.

Put a little mustard on that fuckin' high kick.

Actually, it's called the Sweet Chin Music.

I know what it's called, Dary.

More like Yawn Michaels.

That was stone cold, Wayne.

DAN: That was a wee bit Randy Savage, Waynes.

I'm not sure I like your Attitude Era.

You know what? This conversation's starting

to make me Wince McMahon.

Who died and made you Mister Perfect?

Yeah, you're walking around here

like the Big Boss Man sometimes.

I'm gonna come right out and say it yous two are a bit Rick Rude.

I can't speak for all of mankind,

but I wish we could get a little bit more Dude Loves here.

Ha! I'm gonna head to the bar to play some Jimmy snooker.

Not become a million dollar man playing billiards.

This is really starting to sound

like a whole lot of British bullshit to me.

Gettin' a little Rowdy Roddy Piper over there.

Gettin' a little Rowdy Ronda Rousey.

Yeah, you gotta be Koko B. Ware

how you talk to people sometimes.

You know what? You should might come at this

from a different Kurt Angle.

Gotten a bit Mean Gene.

Puttin' on a Big Show.

I can't Paul Bearer much more of this conversation, so...

I'll offer yous a Jeff Hardy handshake

and be on my fuckin' way.

Like you know they're your good pals and everything

but they're also, at the best of times,

a Randy Orton of Andre the Giant nut sacks.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

( BLESSA PLAYING)

JONESY: Bar�upski.

REILLY: Yeah, buddy.

�Bro. �Dude.

Ready to get on that thing BROdude told us to do?

�Bro. �Dude.

The BROdude regional initiative branding project thing?

DAX: I'll brand your region, buddy.

I'll get my poker all good and hot for ya, hun.

(QUICKLY MUMBLES) I'm half hot already, lemme show it to you.

I'll burn my personal mark right into your ass.

I can't fuckin' wait I'm so serious right now.

Let's fuckin do it.

I think we've got enough burning sensations

for a lifetime, boys.

The temples are looking extra ripped today, boys.

Yeah, gotta get buff for this

super gay birthday party we're going to.

�Some say the super gayest. �Fuck me right up the ass, boys.

All new levels of gay.

Let's get all sorts of fuckin' gay.

Straight up the ass.

Is that a birthday party that's super gay,

or a birthday party for a dude that's super gay?

Both.

Hmm. Is it just dudes?

Oh, well, women aren't not allowed to come.

All dudes?

So, there's no girls to, like,

ask you to hold their drink? Must be nice.

No holding drinks, just holding dinks.

No waiting for your date

while she takes forever in the bathroom? Must be nice.

Uh, well, we do take a long time

together in the bathroom at these parties.

No being forced to go home early to watch a movie? Must be...

Wait. We should do that for our club, buddy. All dudes.

Just dudes?

Well, if it's only dudes, there'll be no broads

to give us like... tasks.

REILLY: Bro. JONESY: Dude.

�Club! �Ferda!

BOTH: BROdude Club Ferda!

A club ferda boys, boys!

A club ferda sponsors, boys!

�Just bros. �No broads.

�No snipes. �No skirts.

BROdude club ferda!

BOTH: Gay.

Stewart?

I don't want to see anyone.

�TYSON: Stewart. �(QUIETLY) Roald!

I wanna miss rush hour. Let's go.

Tyson and Joint Boy are here.

I thank ye local prizefighters

for bestowing on me the pugilistic basics,

the methods, the science...

It's not science. Just don't get hit.

(SCOFFS) I won't get hit.

�K. �And I, myself won't hit.

Stewart?

I say this

with contrition

and chagrin

but throughout this journey, I've lost myself.

That's not really the end of the world, it it?

STEWART: I am a pacifist.

I oppose war, militarism and any and all violence.

I will not raise my fist

to another man.

�Or woman, right? �Roald!

Punching is so primitive and boyish.

Then how're gonna win this fight, skid?

I've been marathoning

and mainstreaming WrestleMania's of old

I think I've found the final layer

of the sweet science to add to my repertoire.

Again.

Never begin a sentence with again.

It's so uppity.

It's not science. Just don't get hit.

Rest assured, that's rooted.

And just because I won't punch my opponent,

doesn't mean I can't finish him.

If we hit rush hour, I'm gonna be pissed.

Behold... Roald?

(ROALD GASPS)

John Cena's Attitude Adjustment.

I believe my intent is unclouded.

If you try that shit, I will knock you the fuck out myself.

Take this seriously, skid. This guy threatened your life.

Don't waste our fuckin' time.

If we drive all the way to the city and you're not ready.

�I'm ready! �And I'm ready too, Stewart!

�Roald. �TYSON: Just stay

the fuck out of this, Roald.

You don't belong anywhere near this fight.

Come on. Let's go.

Fuck sakes. I hate the city.

JOINT BOY: I fucking hate rush hour!

You have a good trip stateside, Katy?

Yeah, it's very cool. Very cool, very nice.

Good day to get out of the house, I guess.

Yeah, that's what cow was thinking earlier.

Cow got out of her pen this morning,

and I had to wrangle her back in.

Dary, did you just refer to one of your cows as "cow?"

Can confirm.

They don't have names?

I know what they look like. I don't need to name them.

Give 'em names. Show 'em love.

Show 'em love and what it's all about.

�All right? �Why?

'Cause there's a special place in heaven for animal lovers.

I'm not sure if I wanna name barnyard animals.

I don't think I should really get that close

to something I'm about to be milking.

Depends what you're milking.

Giving animals names is like the most fun part.

Come on, let's name your cows.

�No. �So, you want to poop the party.

No, I don't wanna poop the party.

�No one likes a poopy pants. �Still a hard no.

And bing, bang, boom, let's name some cows.

Calcium Klein.

Milken Laumenn.

Jack Blacktose.

Do yous name all the animals you encounter?

Oh, I think it's pretty fuckin' obvious

you leavin' a good time on the table if you don't.

Even pigs?

How many good times we've had naming pigs?

Countless good times naming pigs.

I love naming pigs.

I'm surprised we're not naming pigs right now.

�Kevin Bacon. �Piggy Pop.

The Notorious P. I. G.

The Pig Lebowski.

�WAYNE: Jon Hamm. �Hamela Anderson.

�Beto O'Pork. �Ham Rockwell.

�Hammy Hagar. �Ginu�swine.

Porker Posey.

Jason Boar.

ALL: Hmm.

Bet yous name all the ducks in your pond too, eh?

Dary, if you wanna exclude ducks, I don't care to know ya.

�Duck Norris. �Duck Showalter.

�Uncle Duck. �Feather Locklear.

Duck Bill Clinton.

�Quack Morris. �Quack Nicholson.

Quackrine Zeta Jones.

�Nickelquack. �Mad Quacks: Fury Road.

Quack Klansmen: A Spike Lee joint.

(GIGGLES)

When you get them all in a group,

do you call 'em The Mighty Ducks?

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, duck me.

REILLY: McMurray. JONESY: Mrs. McMurray.

�You. �The other one.

How do you feel about clubs?

McMURRAY: How do I feel about clubs?

Boys, boys, boys.

I'll have you know you're speaking with a sitting member

of the Kinsmen, Kiwanis and Comancheros clubs.

�Legion member too, baby. �Hmm�hmm.

How do you feel about crushing BROdudes?

Love suckin' BROdudes.

Suckin' BROdudes and vodka.

It says not to mix with alcohol on the can, but...

I'm a big fuckin' girl that's all I know.

Oh, you're my big fuckin' girl.

Well, I'm all growns up that's what I always say.

I love it when you say that. Makes my pants tight.

(GAGS)

McMURRAY: That's enough, baby. That's your job.

BOTH: We weren't talking to you.

You better start skatin' backwards.

That's for sure guaranteed.

We're starting a club, just for the boys, boys.

It's called BROdude Club Ferda.

�Ferda. �Ferda.

You're starting a club,

just for men, and you don't want any girls in it?

Just for men, boys.

You, you, yous lookin' to suck each other's dicks

�in this club or something? �JONESY: No!

We're just tired of gals telling us to hold their purse.

Yeah.

Hold their purse?

Yeah. Or, like, hold their drink.

Hold my drink.

It'd be a fucking honor to hold your drink, baby.

Yous... Cancers!

Do you think you can come into this cunt's kitchen

and tell her she can't join

your club 'cause she ain't got a cock?

Well, kinda.

Every party has three things.

Booze,

ice,

and women.

Hallelujah.

And since you two seem to have none of the three,

sounds like the shittiest club I ever heard of.

So, beat it.

And take your cans of boy juice

and shove 'em up your bleached assholes.

Now yous boys ever wanna start a club full of ladies,

you give me a call now, okay?

That's my kinda fuckin' party.

Oh. Let's have an all�girl party, baby.

McMURRAY: You wanna have an all�girl party, baby?

MRS. McMURRAY: Let's get some girls over and start a party.

Oh, let's get 'em all over here.

BOTH: Can we come?

We weren't talking to you.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

STEWART: When do you think is the best time in a fight

to put someone into a sharpshooter?

Uh, it's a finishing move, Stewart.

�Fuck off. �Me?

�No. �The People's Elbow?

�Fuck off. �Me?

Yes.

It's UFC moves, or nothing.

You gotta be like Chuck Lidell but dirty as hell.

You gotta be like Georges St�Pierre

�but pull his hair. �Fine. Gawd.

TYSON: We know you can deke, duck, dodge.

Don't get hit.

But you'll need to pop him to finish this thing.

�Take this seriously, skid. �I am�uh! Gawd.

But most importantly,

remember all the hard work.

All the time in the gym gettin' yoked.

All the sacrifices you made to get here.

The discipline it took.

You two...

Behemoths make a good point.

And I want to thank you

for all the regimental information that I've absorbed

for this upcoming fracas.

Well, we're proud of you.

Stewart.

You're...

Proud of me?

Yeah. You're sticking up for yourself and your girls.

TYSON: Fuckin' snipes.

You've got some nuts taking this on.

It takes a man to put in this amount of work

into something he believes in.

Nailed it.

So, go get 'em, kid.

Make us proud.

�Stewart. �Roald.

(FIGHTING TEARS) That, uh, means a lot.

Coming from you two. It's...

It's, uh...

(CHOKING)

That backfired.

Skids gonna skid, I guess.

So are we ready to rumble?

�Just stay the fuck out of this. �Hey!

I have taken down bigger guys than you.

And I've taken down bigger guys than you.

How the fuck are you still pissing?

I'm not!

Query! What if we arrive

and my nemesis is protected by rows of henchpeople?

Mmm, we'll clear that path,

but the big boss belongs to you.

Stick to the plan. Don't try to be a hero.

Your opponent tires himself out and he's vulnerable,

�pop him. �Finish it.

(IN MORTAL KOMBAT VOICE) Finish him!

�Roald! �(SOFT VOICE) Whoopsie.

Worry not!

No wrestling bullshit?

Zero wrestling maneuvers.

I shan't let you down.

Because I refuse

to let down a friend.

'Cause I mean, we are friends, right?

Got rips?

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Buddies.

Let's call it pals for now.

Wondrous!

I'm still not having any of this naming of barn animals.

Why do we have to go anthropomorphizing them?

So, you can just toss out

a Reach For the Top word like that,

yet your first meal of the day today was...

�Brefakst. �Outstanding.

Where does it end?

Rodents? Would you have names for rats?

I saw Rat Dennings just this morning.

I've seen Ratt Williams too.

Every morning I say hello

to my barnyard friend Emily Ratajkowski.

�Ratt Damon. �Ratt Dillon.

�Ratt Leblanc. �Rat in the Hat.

�Rat Benetar. �Rattie Labelle.

And, you know what, Dary, I call bullshit on you

not having warm feelings for farm animals.

Seem to remember you naming the pony

at your super soft birthdays every year.

Don't bring Pony Danza into this.

Just as long as you don't forget Pony Hawk.

�Or Pony Romo. �Poney M.

Poni Mitchell.

I miss Pony Curtis.

Yeah, I think he was in the pen with Pony Bennett.

I'd have a beer.

Can you drive?

I wouldn't call that a great idea. Katy?

�Chivalry's dead then? �WAYNE: Dary?

Take the riding mower.

WAYNE: Holy Chrysler.

Better tuck that bottom lip in

before a bird comes by and poops on it.

(SCOFFS) What, you guys have names for birds, too?

�Crow Pesci. �Scarlett Crowhansson.

�WAYNE: G.I. Crow. �Blue Jay Baruchel.

�Frasier Crane. �Steven Seagull.

How about... Robin Williams?

(CHUCKLES)

See now, I kinda miss him.

�(KATY SIGHS) �DAN: Too soon.

Slap me some dick skin!

I'll slap you all right, ho, hey now.

�Dick skin. �Dickins.

We are starting a BROdude Club Ferda.

�Just boys, buddy. �Just buds, bro.

So you're telling me I'm not gonna be seeing

(IN AUCTIONEER CHANT) Katy, Christa, Kathleen,

Karen, Chloe, Camila

Catherine, Caroline, Carli, Casey, Kaitlyn...

How you doing today, my lady?

Don't you just wanna have a party with your bros, buddy?

�Dick skin? �Dickins. Say you fellas

ever go on these dating apps?

It's no slim pickin's for Jim Dickins.

I've got dates coming up with

(IN AUCTIONEER CHANT) Marlee, Marlena, Mary, Meg, Magda,

Melody, Molly, Madeline, Mya,

Michelle, Michaela, Mackenzie, Maggie, Maggie�May...

I think I got something to say to you.

Well, think about all the things

you won't have to put up with at the BROdude Club Ferda.

Like paying for two bills,

or holding your gal's purse.

I love being on dates.

(IN AUCTIONEER CHANT) Holding purses, holding doors,

holding myself accountable, for all that I do.

Fuck this, buddy.

Making a men only club is so hard!

GLEN: Is it?

Hard? Is it getting there?

Is it getting harder.

Is it...

So hard sometimes you just wanna burst?

I can't lose these balls again.

I'll get in so much trouble with Gail.

But seriously, can I join your club?

I've got ideas.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Aly�cat. Bianca�donk.

You guys work here now?

Dealer can't run us out if we're

�employed by the establishment. �Felicitous.

He'll be here with his crew soon.

�Paramount. �BIANCA: Now that you guys are

here to TCB, we are back in business, baby.

(LOUDLY) You got rips?

�Hey! �Little louder meathead.

Six people in here might not have heard you.

�Use the code words. �What code words?

�We're bartenders. �We make drinks.

�One drink in particular. �Pina Coladas.

�K. �BIANCA: Take the first letter

of what you want and sub it in for the "p" in Pina Colada.

�JOINT BOY: I don't get it. �I'm shocked.

Take our signature green G. G�nicoladas.

Technically GHB�nicoladas.

Cocaine? C�nicoladas.

�Molly? �Ecstasy. E�nicoladas.

�What else you got? �ALY: LSD�nicoladas.

�BIANCA: PCP�nicoladas. �Mushrooms?

Zoomie�nicoladas.

�Speed? �Amphetami�nicoladas.

Dexedri�nicoladas.

�Crystal? �Methamphetami�nicoladas.

�Anesthetics? �Ketami�nicoladas.

Resplendent.

Your boy and his crew will be here in 30.

ROALD: I'll be ready.

You stay out of it.

�Let's have a bump. �C�nicoladas?

�Quick key bump. �Key�nicoladas.

�I'll refrain. �Stewart.

Roald!

I must. There is war on the horizon.

I shan't be impaired.

After though?

�After? �You'd have a bump?

C�nicoladas?

After I'd have a bump, yeah.

�Quick key bump? �Key�nicoladas?

After I'd have a key bump or two, yeah.

Stewart.

BOTH: Fuckin' idiots!

(WAYNE GROANS)

DAN: Gonna get that?

WAYNE: Mind your beeswax.

BOTH: Ooh, ooh!

Why don't yous go back to whatever

Boy Luck Club you came from.

BROdude Club Ferda, actually.

It's an exclusive club that's men�only that we started.

So yous are scared of girls now?

I did a number on you two.

All the BROdude you can crush,

nobody asking you to hold their purse.

Or making you buy them a drink.

Just bros, buddy.

JONESY: Just buddies, boys.

�BROdude Club. �Ferda.

So, what do you bros say?

It's pretty gay.

�Wayne! �Dan.

�You can't says that. �Here's the thing though.

I can say whatever I want.

Yeah, but you're not expose'ta say gay

when you mean like stupid or something.

That's awfully presumptuous, Squirrelly Dan.

Yeah, I'm fairly certain that's not what he meant, Squirrelly.

Yeah, you gotta stop being so squirrelly, Dan.

Now look, if I see something that is, by definition, gay...

What's your definition of gay?

Male dicks penetrating male butts, for pleasures sake.

Sound definition, good buddy.

For swinging dicks, yeah.

Then I can and will call it gay.

I don't know, good buddies.

What say I see a male dick penetrating a male butt,

consensually, for pleasures sake.

Certainly I can say...

�That's pretty gay. �Fairs enough.

You calling us gay?

�No. �Good answer, bro.

But your club is super gay.

You want to come say that to my face?

Oh, you're such a walnut.

I don't know, I don't wanna put anything in stone here,

just think I'm well within my rights to assume that

these two aim to fuck some dudes

up the ass in this all�male club of theirs.

Which is totally fine!

�I got no problem with it. �Yup, checks out.

Oh, man, I did such a number on you two.

�Knock�knock. �Who's there?

Raging boner in my underwear.

We have the floor, boys!

We're recruiting here, boys!

�For your men�only club? �Super gay.

�There ya go. �RON: More to that,

you guys wanna come to a super gay birthday party?

Some say the super gayest.

Fuck me right up the ass, boys.

All new levels of gay.

(GRITTED TEETH) Let's get all sorts of fuckin' gay.

�Straight up the ass. �Are women allowed?

�Always. �You can watch.

�Okay. �Am I allowed?

�Why not? �Would I do all right at this?

I think you would do really well.

�Gonna be Puppers? �Yeah, ya like Puppers?

�Gonna be Gus N' Bru? �Yeah, ya like Gus N' Bru?

Here we go now.

Yous two coming to this super gay birthday party

or are you scared of gays like you're scared of girls?

(RON GASPS)

I think we need to find a new

regional initiative branding project, buddy.

Can't fight the majority, bro.

�Dude. �Ferda.

(TECHNO DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)