Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to TSN's coverage

of the National Senior Hockey Championship

brought to you by BROdude Energy.

I'm your host James Duthie.

Joining me on the panel for tonight's quiz

are TSN insider Darren Dreger, analyst Jeff O'Neil

and the legend himself...

Mr. Bob McKenzie.

O�Dog's a TSN analyst now?

Isn't O�Dog a TSN correspondent?

Let's meet in the middle at TSN personality

and O�dog, we'll start with you.

If you could build a team around one player

in this tournament final match�up

between Ontario's Kerry County Eagles

and Quebec's Three Rivers Lakers,

who would it be?

Your options are A, number 74 Jones of Kerry County.

B, number 68, Reilly of Kerry County.

C, number 10, Jacques�Jean of Trois Rivieres

or go off the grid. O�dog.

I think it's undeniable that

Jean�Jacques Francois Jacques�Jean

of the Three Rivers Lakers

is your franchise player.

This guy requires virtually zero help to score goals.

Sure, he's a one�man show

but when it comes to winning championships,

they don't ask how, they ask how many.

I mean let's get real here, 14 goals in 4 games

with 11 unassisted.

If Dregs goes with anyone else on this question,

consider this my application for TSN insider.

Spoken like a true... personality. Dregs.

It's a poor look for the panel

having an amateur sandwiched between the pros, James.

The Three Rivers Lakers have an elite goal scorer

with NHL experience

in Jean�Jacques Francois Jacques�Jean,

but if I'm building a team around one player

he's gotta be effective in all three zones

and that's the player number 74 Jones

of the Kerry County Eagles.

As they say, fore�check, backcheck, pay check.

He's a remarkable plus 16 over 4 games

with a balanced eight goals and eight helpers.

Offense wins games but defense wins championships.

When Jones is on the ice

his opponents do not and have not scored.

Wow. Class is in session, O�Dog.

Is this a class in hockey cliches?

Bob McKenzie, your turn.

I agree with Darren that the work ethic is just not there

for ex�NHLer JJ Frankie JJ of the Three Rivers Lakers.

My franchise player, number 68 Reilly

of the Kerry County Eagles.

This is a big player. He loves big games.

And on a senior hockey level

I really believe Reilly belongs in the same conversation

as Blake Wheeler or Gabriel Landeskog.

He's a sandpaper player with consistent point production

and all the while logging big minutes.

If I'm building, he's my guy.

No digs at Dregs or O�Dog?

As the senior member of the panel, James,

that's beneath me.

All right. Fair enough.

I'm going off the grid for this one, gentlemen.

Take Claude Lemieux and Claude Giroux,

wrap them up in one big ball,

and you've got the Kerry County Eagles'

number 69 Shore.

He's got the point totals

to match line mates Reilly and Jones

but does far more in the shutdown role

to help his team win games.

JEFF: You know James,

for the first time in panel history

I'm going to change my answer.

Shore is a certified grit grinder.

He's the Brad Marchand of this tournament

and the Eagles aren't the Eagles without him.

Dregs, your thoughts?

Dino Ciccarelli comes to mind as a comparable player,

but Shore is too much of a wild card

to build a team around.

You need discipline in your leaders.

Bob?

James, I've covered hockey for TSN

throughout the careers of Darcy Tucker, Matt Barnaby

and Alex Burrows.

And I believe Shore does more talking on the ice

than all three combined.

Though he's got the ability to take players

and sometimes entire teams

completely out of the game mentally,

he's a liability and I wouldn't trust him

in a leadership role.

I'm with O�Dog on this one, Bob.

Don't care, James.

Certified grit grinder, Darren.

Go put it on a t�shirt, Jeff.

Well, folks, you've heard from our panel

of expert hockey minds.

Please stay tuned for tournament final coverage

of the National Senior Hockey Championship

brought to you by BROdude Energy

on TSN.

(APPLAUSE)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Say, how's Lovyna Dyck?

She's Lovyna Dyck.

She's Lovyna Dyck?

Oh, she's Lovyna Dyck.

She's...

Loving a dick?

Dary! What on earth would make you think

I would say such a horrible thing?

I don't know.

Lovyna Dyck is a proud woman set in her ways.

And while I am a man of traditional values,

I draw the line at primitive.

Yeah, 'nappers are a wee bit square, eh?

They're all kinds of L7.

Did you get a smooch out of her?

No.

And that ship has sailed.

I broke things off with her.

Besides, it's impolite to kiss and tell.

Yeah, but you could tell one person,

like a good buddy.

Bend enough and you'll break, good buddy.

I admire your discipline.

Well, if you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.

Do you believe in ghosts?

There is one girl that I kiss and told you about.

I don't.

Yeah, you remember that girl

who stuck her fingers up to my bum?

You mean the one who tapped on your backdoor?

The one who played Crokinole in my basement.

The one who had the keyless entry to your trunk?

The one who tested my wind conditions.

Sure I do.

She's back for the summer.

�Is that what she is? �Mmm�hmm.

She finishing up her Kinesiology degree

with a focus on massage therapy.

Whoo, buddy!

She asked me if I wanted to go for a walk,

and I said no, 'cause I don't wanna go for a walk.

Because I just finished dating a Mennonite

and that's all you can fucking do is go for walks.

Maybe you should take her for ice cream.

I said I wasn't gonna leave here

till my buddy was feeling better,

so she said she was gonna come by and sit for a bit.

You should find a good place for a stump hump?

I'll probably find a good place for a bumper dump.

Do you think Wayne's in there thinking about Marie�Fred?

Yeah.

But you know, once a girl cheats, it's over.

No exceptions.

Yeah.

Bend enough and you'll break, good buddy.

If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.

MISS FIRE: General Public?

GENERAL PUBLIC: Miss Fire.

MISS FIRE: Private Sector is some upset.

He didn't get that part in Going West he auditioned for.

GENERAL PUBLIC: You're kidding.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

MISS FIRE: He's pretty near inconsolable,

so I was thinking 'cause...

He looks up to you so much.

Well, I was thinking you could...

I don't know, go over there

and maybe just give him a little hug.

GENERAL PUBLIC: Give him a little hug? AUDIENCE: Ooh!

MISS FIRE: Yes, General Public, just give him a little hug.

That's what I said.

GENERAL PUBLIC: Miss Fire, if I wanted to hold a fruit

I'd go apple picking.

MISS FIRE: Excuse me,

seriously please, and thank you!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

What'd you guys do this weekend?

�Fucked some dudes up the ass. �You?

Stewart.

�Stewart? �Update.

BOTH: Roald.

As you've been made aware,

when Stewart enlisted our help in getting yoked

we presented him with four goals to achieve.

�Yoked? �Jacked.

Stewart came to us not yoked.

Mmm, Stewart.

But upon achieving goals one through four,

we as fitness gurus...

Fitness specimens.

�Fitness examples. �Fitness exemplars.

Fitness exemplifications.

(BOTH INHALING)

We as fitness exhibits can confidently

and enthusiastically exercise our authority

in deeming him officially yoked.

�Just say jacked. �Okay.

How them goals coming?

Goal number one. Add ten pounds of muscle mass.

Goal achieved.

Goal number two. Bench press.

Three sets of four reps, 200 pounds.

�Goal achieved. �Goal number three.

Deadlifts. Three sets of four reps, 200 pounds.

�Goal achieved. �Goal number four.

Squats. Three sets of four reps, 200lbs.

�Goal achieved. �Whoo�Yay!

�So, he's shredded? �No, he's jacked.

�Cut? �You mean circumcised?

�No, jacked. �Same thing.

They are absolutely not the same thing.

What's the difference?

Roald.

�Brad Pitt. �Shredded.

�Tom Hardy. �Jacked.

�Zac Efron. �Shredded.

�The Rock. �Jacked.

�Get it? �Got it.

RON: Good. STEWART: Roald.

Stewart?

Lifting belt.

Check.

Chalk?

Check.

Compression pants?

Check.

Okay, he is cut.

Sure you wanna do this?

Can confirm.

�Katy? �Bonnie.

Don't kick a dead horse.

�Bonnie? �Katy.

Bend enough and you'll break.

Stand for nothing, and you'll fall for anything.

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen,

Warm�ups are underway at the Kerry County Arena

for the National Senior Hockey Championship

and, Tessa, I know you have something special

planned for our audience at home.

That's right, Kate.

The game of hockey has a longstanding tradition

of trash talk or chirping, if you will,

And this tournament has been no exception,

and while we could leave it a mystery

for the folks at home,

no, we here at TSN have decided to partner

in this tournament's final game with a young lady named Tanis

who has mic'd up the Kerry County Eagles

and decided to combine her coverage with ours.

Should be good.

Tanis, welcome.

Tell us how this all came to be.

(GIGGLES)

This is so cool!

I seen you win a gold medal in Vancouver in 2010.

Aw, thank you.

And, Kate, I follow you on Instagram.

You've got a great ass.

So anyways, my little cousins, they love hockey

but what they love even more is those videos on YouTube

of NHL players mic'd out.

Mic'd up?

Yeah, sure. Whatever.

But they love the Eagles

so to keep them interested in the game

I decided to provide them with videos

of their favorite players mic'd out.

Mic'd out it is.

Commendable, Tanis.

Kids in sports stay off the streets.

I love your hair too, Kate.

(GIGGLES)

Oh! Can I shout out my crew?

Yeah, sure. Have at it.

Well, they're right here so, come on!

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE)

All right, let's get you to ice level now

to our first serving of mic'd up.

Mic'd out.

Yeah, mic'd out.

SHORESY: Throw on some fuckin' smoked meat, Frankie.

I'm gonna be in your kitchen all night.

Don't say anything about the fingers in the bum.

(CHUCKLES) Okay.

�Hi, Daniel! �Ellen.

This is Daryl.

�Hi. �Hello. (GIGGLES)

Daryl.

You can call me Dary.

Okay, Dary.

Did Dan tell you I put a finger up his butt?

No.

Dan?

You didn't tell Daryl I put a finger in your butt?

No.

Why? What's the big deal?

BOTH: 'Cause you're not expose'ta kiss and tell.

You never had a finger up your butt then, Dary?

Which means you've definitely never had a tongue in your butt.

Me neither.

Why not?

'Cause that's outdoor.

Ah, you don't know what you're missing.

That's fine.

The male G�spot is up there.

�What's a G�spot? �An old wives tale.

If you want to find out, stick your finger up there.

Stick my finger up where?

Stick your finger up your ass.

What do you mean, like two�knuckler?

Trust me. When you've found it, you'll know.

Dan, let's go for a walk. It's a beautiful day.

Okay.

Maybe just a short walk.

I heard the TSN guys think you're better players than me.

Yeah, world's premiere hockey authority, bud.

�Soak it up. �Der hacks.

Chirp Bob McKenzie. I fuckin' dare you.

I'll have you know the Francophone broadcast RDS

chose me across the board.

Frankie, get the mozza burger

out of your mouth, you fuckin fatso!

Go have another Big Mac, you fuckin' hippo!

Off to a hostile start here at the Kerry County Arena.

Nothing wrong with fireworks off the hop, Kate.

The Ontario�Quebec rivalry runs deep.

SHORESY: Holy fuck, Frankie,

you look like you love a good slice.

Did you get axed from the show

and just start hammering slices or what?

If the Cup was a slice,

you think you'd work a little harder,

you fuckin pizza face?

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

I'm getting dat double 'at trick in da terd, Shoresy!

Go eat some fondue, you fuckin' manatee!

(LAUGHING)

Have another Baconator, you fuckin' walrus!

Fuck you!

(INAUDIBLE)

(UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Shoresy.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

Ha ha. Hey!

I'll send your stuffed crust

to the emergency room, you fat fuckin' pig!

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

(GRUNTING)

This kid is yoked.

ALY: Just say jacked.

You've turned me into a real V�taper, comrades.

With those extra fives on each side,

you've just achieved a new personal best, buddy.

Congrats on the PB, bra.

I couldn't have done it without my two...

Personal besties.

(BOTH GRUNT)

We oughta put that on a t�shirt.

You wanna put that on a t�shirt?

We should put that on a t�shirt.

Let's put that on a t�shirt.

�We'll put that on a t�shirt. �Let me put that on a t�shirt.

It'd make a cute t�shirt.

That's why we'll put it on a t�shirt.

Well, then, make a call, put it on a t�shirt.

I'll head downtown and put it on a t�shirt.

I know a guy, he'll put it on a t�shirt.

I'll put it on a t�shirt!

One for each of us. Four personal besties!

Roald.

What else do you wanna do? Just the three of us.

�ALY: Nope. �What?

That's only phase one.

�How many phases? �Just two.

Wondrous.

If he's going to fight the city dealer...

�And win. �Getting jacked...

�And shredded... �Is phase one.

�Phase two. �Learn how to fight.

Just so I'm clear,

there are only two phases though, right?

Because this is... (STAMMERING)

I could have a snooter.

I'd love a snooter.

For this phase, we've enlisted the help of Tyson and Joint Boy.

(YELPS)

Relax, we're on your team now.

�Why now? �They paid us 100 bucks.

Equitable.

And you guys have ribs, right?

Yes, we almost always have ribs. Yeah.

�Same. �You guys like ribs?

Later.

Now, we get to work.

Tyson, Joint Boy, you're on the clock.

Hate to see you leave,

but I love to watch you go.

Eh, boys?

Yeah.

DAX AND RON: No.

(TV PLAYING INDOORS)

Where were you?

Why?

Just asking.

Nowhere.

You let the fire go out.

How was your walk?

Not great, if I'm being honest.

You should always be honest.

Honestly, the butt talk this time

was a wee bit jarring.

�Was it? �You didn't think so?

I don't know.

I respect Ellen for her liberal views

on sex and sexuality.

And I'll try anything once, but...

Except heroin.

Except heroin, of course.

I'm told heroin will get you.

But Ellen and her free spirit...

It kinda made me miss Lovyna Dyck

and her traditional ways.

Well, she is Lovyna Dyck.

She's Lovyna Dyck all right.

Whereas Ellen is...

Loving a dick.

Correct.

There's such a thing as too much butt talk

and a girl oughta be fuckin' aware of it.

Aren't you a wee bit curious?

About what?

About what's up there?

I know what's up there.

Well, it could be... merit.

Dary?

Did you check?

Check what?

Your oil.

�KATY: What are yous doing? �No!

Huh?

Nothing.

You let the fire go out.

Where were you all day?

(INDIE MUSIC PLAYING)

MISS FIRE: Well, I'm all packed up, General Public.

I can't believe it's my very last day.

GENERAL PUBLIC: Miss Fire.

MISS FIRE: What is it, General Public?

GENERAL PUBLIC: Well, Miss Fire, I never thought I'd be saying this

but I've grown to love those boys

the same way you do.

You've taught me patience

and compassion and understanding.

I've learned a lot from you.

I hate to see you go.

MISS FIRE: Oh, General Public.

GENERAL PUBLIC: I don't...

Want you to go.

AUDIENCE: Oh, my goodness.

MISS FIRE: Excuse me, General Public.

GENERAL PUBLIC: I guess what I'm saying here is...

Will you marry me, Miss Fire?

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

MISS FIRE: Excuse me, seriously please, and thank you!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yes! Yes, I will, General Public.

PRIVATE SECTOR: Miss Fire, I heard you screaming

and I came running just as fast

as my little legs could carry me.

GENERAL PUBLIC: You're spoiling our big moment,

you tootie�fruity!

MISS FIRE: General Public!

GENERAL PUBLIC: Right. Uh...

You'll have to excuse me, Private Sector.

Seriously.

Please, and thank you.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Good buddy?

If she cheats, it's over.

No exceptions.

Bend enough and you'll break, big brother.

Yup.

If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything.

Can confirm.

So?

So, pitter�patter.

Let's get at her.