Original subtitles

Welcome back to the progrum.

Shiver me timbers, Toolesy. We've got a ship on the horizon.

Ay�yay, Cap'n. And not just any ship

The Canadian National Senior Hockey Champion... ship.

Yarrr.

Provincial winners from nine provinces and three territories

will be represented at the tournament here in Ontario

with the Kerry County Eagles serving as hosts.

Now, we, of course, are aware that there are ten provinces

and three territories in Canada.

Nova Scotia will not be represented this year

as they are serving a one year ban from the festivities

as a result of a drunken off�ice incident

at last year's tournament.

At an old folks home, of all places.

And on Family Day.

Yup. The good folks of Nova Scotia have been known

to enjoy the occasional rum and coke.

(IN LOW VOICE) Yeah.

Could say they brought Captain Morgan to the ship.

Okay. Okay.

Yo�ho�ho and a bottle of rum, amirite?

The story of the tournament has really been the shutdown line

for the host Kerry County Eagles.

A trio from Letterkenny, Ontario.

Letterkenny?

That's what I said, Toolesy.

'Bout time something good came out of there.

We'll now take you live to the event

where our very own Kate Beirness and Tessa Bonhomme

are covering the tournament for TSN. Kate and Tessa.

Thanks very much, Jay. We've got two here.

Where's the third?

Yeah, I wouldn't worry about him, Kate. (CLEARS THROAT)

He's probably stretching.

SHORESY: Fuck you, Jonesy.

(IN LOW VOICE) Who's that? The mic's didn't get that.

Boys, you're a perfect two and oh throughout the tournament

having defeated Nunavut and Northwest Territories.

SHORESY: Northwest terribles.

Your line has combined for nine goals

allowing none making you a combined plus 25.

What's been your focus through these two statement games?

Yeah, Tessa, the number one rule of playoff hockey is

don't get too high, don't get too low.

SHORESY: You're making a fool of yourself,

you fucking labradoodle.

Yeah, it's a team game out there.

We jumped on a train that was already rolling down the tracks.

Uh, we're just happy to be here

and contribute and keep the momentum going.

SHORESY: Jonesy, you are such a fucking puggle.

Well, good luck tonight against British Columbia, boys.

Back to you, Jay and Dan.

SHORESY: Where's Bobby Margarita?

Also making headlines in the tournament

is retired NHLer Jean�Jacques Francois Jacques�Jean.

Known by teammates as JJ Frankie JJ.

The ex�pro leads the tournament with a remarkable

twelve tucks in two convincing wins

over New Brunswick and Saskatchewan respectively.

I'm sorry, Jay, did you say Saskatchewan?

Can confirm.

Remind me, Jay. What's the capital of Saskatchewan?

I think I know what's coming.

(EXPERIENCE REGINA PLAYING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

�Where's Wayne? �Went into the bush,

like a wounded dog to die.

�Whore. �Bonnie.

That's my girl.

And Daryl though he had it bad with Skank Sinatra.

Turns out all along Wayne had Whorey Hart.

�Whorey Feldman. �Whora Secord.

Whory McIlroy.

�But ladies... �What, Dan?

You gonna just sit there and be a half�assed friend?

Don't be a fence sitter.

Come out for it one way or the other.

Whora Dern.

�That's my boy. �Whordon Lightfoot.

�Whora the Explorer. �Harrison Whored.

This is fast turning into the Never Ending Whory.

Simmer down Benicio del Whoro.

At the risks of mansplaining feminisms to you,

Professor Tricia always says

womens is supposed to build each others up,

not tears each other down.

"Women are suppose to build each other up,

"not tear each other down" is the new

(IN SARCASTIC VOICE) "I know you are but what am I?"

�Michael Whordan. �Michael B. Whordon

Michael B. Whordan B. Peterson.

Hmm, nice one, Bonnie.

�You still wanna go out? �No.

Wayne's single again.

Oh, bother.

Gotta strike while the iron's hot, super chief.

Wheres are yous goins?

Running shoes. Running shorts.

(SNIFFLES)

You crying?

Running nose.

What's Wayne doing back there?

Grabbed some booze and the VHS tapes

of his favorite show and fucked off.

That show is his happy place right now.

What show?

Have you ever heard of Miss Fire?

It's like Canada's MASH.

Except wayyy more homophobics.

Yeah, we weren't really allowed to watch TV growing up

so we used to sneak to Uncle Eddie's

and it's what he was always watching.

Sentimental value there.

BONNIE: What's it about?

There's this super macho character General Public,

and he runs an army base full of these super effeminate soldiers.

Privates, they're called.

Private Sector is a particular

thorn in the sides of General Publics.

General Public and Private Sector?

Yeah, and General Public has a secretary

�Miss Fire. �Hence the title.

And she loves the super girly soldiers

and she gives General Public proper shit

when he flies off the handle.

KATY: He'll say stuff like,

(IN GRUFF VOICE) That's it, Miss Fire,

I've about enough of those tootie�fruities.

Yikes.

Yeah, and when he says stuff like that

Miss Fire will come in and she'll say,

(IN HIGH�PITCHED VOICE) Excuse me,

seriously please, and thank you!

Excuse me, seriously, please, and thank you?

Yeah. It's like, their sitcom punchline

and the studio audience just goes nuts for it.

Oh. Like Urkel on Family Matters said,

(MIMICS URKEL) "Did I do that?"

Yeah, or like Uncle Jesse on Full House goes,

(MIMICS UNCLE JESSE) "Have mercy."

(IN GRUFF VOICE) Goddamn it, Miss Fire,

If I hear one more of those fruit baskets

singing showtunes in the shower

they're gonna find themselves

on the business end of a steel�toed boot.

(IN HIGH�PITCHED VOICE) Excuse me,

seriously please, and thank you!

(IN GRUFF VOICE) Goddamn it, Miss Fire.

I've got more fruit in my platoon

than a mango chutney.

(IN HIGH�PITCHED VOICE) Excuse me,

seriously please, and thank you!

Definitely a bit before my time.

Definitely a bit before all of our times.

But it gives him a chuckle and he needs it right now.

That shows did not age wells.

Let's go.

All right, let's take about 20% off there, Squirrelly Dan.

Yeah, sure, okay. Wayne's not here

so I guess you can say that now.

I still can't believe these white swallows

qualified to play for the Native team

Doesn't it piss you off that everyone and their dog

is one�eighth native all of a sudden?

Ancestory.com, baby.

TANIS: Yo. MEN: (FROM STALLS) Hey, Tanis.

I wasn't talking to yous.

�Shoresy. �(SHORESY FARTS)

TANIS: Some information on your opponents.

Vancouver, British Columbia is currently home

to both the richest postal code in Canada and the poorest.

Vancouver housing prices are the highest in Canada.

Though Nova Scotia has the most pot consumers in Canada

at 14.8% of the population smoking the johnny red eye,

BC is a close second

with 14.2% of the population

indulging in the electric lettuce.

I have family in Fort Saint James.

They're a buncha boat shoe wearin' hemp hippies.

They're probably over there smoking

7�paper cannons as we speak

so what say we load yours, all right?

(FARTS)

Skoden.

REILLY: This is bullshit.

Why does Shoresy get all the credit now, buddy?

We're the chirp kings of this club.

JONESY: I know, bro. Teamwork.

SHORESY: Hey, you wanna talk about teamwork, Jonesy?

I took your mom to Medieval Times

and me and the Green Knight took her down after at Best Western.

REILLY: Fuck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: Fuck you, Reilly. I took your mom the next weekend

and me and the Blue Knight showed her a real sword fight.

JONESY: Fuck you, Shoresy.

Fuck you, Jonesy.

Your mom got us banned from Canada's Wonderland

for trying to give me a tug on Top Gun.

REILLY: Fuck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: Fuck you, Reilly. Took your mom the weekend before

and she asked me to diddle her on Drop Tower.

REILLY AND JONESY: Fuck!

SHORESY: Hey, smile for the camera

you fucking loser. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

�Reilly, you ready? �REILLY: I'm ready.

NATIVE COACH: Good, 'cause you're going.

�Jonesy, you ready? �JONESY: I'm ready.

NATIVE COACH: Good, 'cause you're going.

�Shoresy, You ready? �(SHORESY FARTS)

NATIVE COACH: Good, 'cause you're going.

�Let's get this fucking W, boys �(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

SHORESY: Hey, this one's a video,

you piece of shit. (FARTS)

(APPLAUSE ON TV)

MISS FIRE: (ON TV) Excuse me, General Public.

GENERAL PUBLIC: Miss Fire.

MISS FIRE: Private Sector's requesting temporary

relief from duty.

GENERAL PUBLIC: Oh, what is it now?

MISS FIRE: Well, it seems that a local theatre company

is casting for their upcoming production of Going West,

and he'd like to audition.

Oh, I think I can hear him practicing now

outside at ruck march.

PRIVATE SECTOR: (SINGING BADLY) I want to go west!

Into the sunset!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

GENERAL PUBLIC: Jesus Harold Christ.

MISS FIRE: Now, you just hold your horses

this very second, General Public.

GENERAL PUBLIC: I can't take it anymore.

MISS FIRE: I'm warning you.

GENERAL PUBLIC: I got enough fruit in this platoon

to start a winery.

MISS FIRE: Excuse me, seriously please, and thank you!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

�Squirrelly D. �Hmm, hey look, the floor.

Can I sit here?

Yeah. Who's gonna stop you?

Oh, yeah.

Guys, we gotta get him outta there.

It's been two months

and he only comes back to chore and run the dogs.

How we gonna fuck this pig?

They say the grieving process is very important,

we shouldn't rush it

Well, maybe he just needs a little bit of encouragement.

(IN LOW VOICE) I'll give him some encouragement.

The most important step in getting over heartbreak

is getting excited to be single again.

(IN LOW VOICE) I'll get him excited.

Maybe we should give Rosie a calls?

Maybe give that one a little time.

She'll be here when she wants to.

It's just, I kinda feel like a tit, you know,

my good buddy's down in a hole,

and I'm just sitting here. I feel useless.

Yeah, samezies.

Remember that scene in Homeward Bound?

When that old golden retriever falls down that big hole?

�Oh, Dary. �His name is Shadow.

Man, I cried two pints of tears

�to that movie back in the day. �Samezies.

The Land Before Time belongs in this conversation.

�You're goddamn right it does. �Fox and the hound, too

That's a fucking masterpiece.

What did that young American bulldog do

�Oh. �when his buddy

was down in that big hole.

�His name was Chance. �What did he do?

He got right down in there with him! That's what he did!

He saw his buddy down in that hole!

Down in the muck!

And he got right down in there with him.

Yeah. He didn't let him be down there by himself.

�Cold and alone. �Oh, hell no!

He got right down in there with him!

Let's go, Dary.

Wait. Should we get some Puppers?

Oh, yeah. We should definitely get some Puppers.

Welcome back to third period action

of the National Senior Hockey Championship.

If you're just tuning in

the hosts, the Kerry County Eagles

with a commanding four�nothing lead.

And Tessa, there is a lot of chit�chat

between the whistles.

Yeah, Kate. A ton of chit�chat.

So much that it's hard to tell if they're buddies

or if they hate each other.

My guess is the latter.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Camera dudes are set up.

�We recording? �Affirmative.

�Monitors. �Engaging monitors.

What is this, the fucking Starship Enterprise?

REILLY: (ON MONITOR) You ride your fucking long board

down here, two�three?

JONESY: You got yoga pants under your gear or what?

Looking a little wobbly out there stripes,

these hippies giving you a contact high?

�(LAUGHS) �(WHISTLE BLOWS)

SHORESY: Do you fire up some of that Jamaican broccoli

between periods or what?

Throw on some fucking Bob Marley, get pumped up?

Hey, ya wanna blaze?

Hey, ya wanna blaze one?

Go bottle toke some bubble hash ya fucking loser.

(CROWD CHEERING)

SHORESY: Thirty�two, hook me up with a quarter pound?

Hey, hook me up with a QP?

Wanna hit some resin tokes?

How 'bout some of that pakalolo dank?

Edibles, edibles, edibles.

Edibles, edibles, edibles.

�(WHISTLE BLOWS) �(CHEERING)

SHORESY: Hey, who's got a reggae cigarette?

Hey, let's smoke a jazzy.

Hey, wanna smoke a bowl?

Hey, smoke a blunt?

Pass the Dutchy.

I got a couple pre�rolls in my pants. Let's party!

(BUZZER SOUNDS)

MISS FIRE: (ON TV) Um, excuse me, General Public.

GENERAL PUBLIC: Miss Fire. MISS FIRE: Private Sector's here

and he would like a word with you.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.

GENERAL PUBLIC: Christ on a cracker.

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLES)

PRIVATE SECTOR: General Public?

GENERAL PUBLIC: What now, Private Sector?

PRIVATE SECTOR: Well, it's just, well, I've always wanted to sing

and well, Going West is my very favorite musical

and well, sir, if you just let me

sing a few bars for you,

I think you might be convinced to...

GENERAL PUBLIC: Private Sector, you best get packin'

�before I get crackin'. �(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

MISS FIRE: General Public, please, just give him a chance.

GENERAL PUBLIC: Jimeny Crickets, Miss Fire.

MISS FIRE: He's got the voice of an angel.

Go on and show him, Private Sector.

Go on and show him what you got.

PRIVATE SECTOR: (SINGING BADLY) I want to go west.

Into the sunset!

MISS FIRE: Well, what do you think, General Public?

GENERAL PUBLIC: When did God start making fruity angels?

MISS FIRE: Excuse me, seriously please, and thank you!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

�Yo! �REILLY: Hey, Tanis.

JONESY: She's not talking to us, buddy.

�Shoresy. �(SHORESY FARTS)

Some information on your opponents.

Newfoundlanders or "Newfies"

as they're referred to by most Canadians,

live in the toughest climate in Canada,

according to Canada's climate index.

Newfies are known to refer to themselves as Newfoundlanders

rather than Canadians which oughtta chap your ass.

I've got cousins out there who do that.

A small but notable percentage of folks living in Labrador

wish to separate from Newfoundland,

and a small but notable percentage of Newfoundlanders

wish to separate from Canada.

REILLY: (SADLY) Why do they wanna separate from Canada?

They've got a fuck load of oil out there.

JONESY: But, we love Newfies.

Not tonight you don't.

�Shoresy, cannons loaded? �(FARTS)

All right. Oh. Almost forgot.

They speak kinda funny out there.

Kind of like their own language,

so, try and keep up, All right? Skoden.

REILLY: Buddy? JONESY: What's up, bro?

REILLY: I'm bummed, buddy. JONESY: I'm super bummed, bro.

REILLY: I know it was a thing for a while there

with Quebec wanting to separate from Canada

but Newfoundland too?

JONESY: Gutted, buddy. I almost don't wanna

chirp them too hard 'cause maybe they'll wanna separate again.

SHORESY: Two of my top five all time bloweys

came from Newfie, broads,

but if I have to listen to you two separatist sympathizers

for one more second, I'll shoot myself in the face.

�Reilly, you ready? �REILLY: I'm ready.

Good, 'cause you're going. Jonesy, you ready?

�JONESY: I'm ready. �Good, 'cause you're going.

�Shoresy, you... �(SHORESY FARTS)

�Fucking A. �(FARTS)

The TSN gals want you for a spot before warmies.

Let's get this fucking W, boys.

REILLY: What the fuck do you eat?

KATE: (ON TV) Gentlemen, another decisive win

over a deep BC team.

What is the focus going into the semi�final against

with the juggernaut team from Newfoundland?

Yeah, it's a fast�paced game out there, Kate.

�K... �REILLY: Gotta make sure

we're playing for the crest on the front of our jerseys,

not the names on the back.

Working for our brothers beside us on the bench.

Who is this nut sack.

Jonesy, lots of stick work out there.

Both teams having troubles

with minor penalties, so special teams

no doubt will be a factor tonight

Yeah, you nailed it, Tess.

We've had a hard time staying out of the box so far

but that's the game we play out there, it's hard and fast.

So, feet gotta be moving, take away their time and space

and make them make the bad decisions

out there on the PK and who knows

maybe pop a couple shorties.

�K... � You will no doubt

have to face Jean�Jacques Francois Jacques�Jean

in the final. Are the wheels already turning for that one?

Yea we, uh, we gotta just take it one game at a time, Kate.

Sixty hard miles ahead

before we cross that bridge with our brothers.

Sixty hard miles for brotherhood out there.

It's a brotherhood out there.

Goofs.

�Thank you, Reilly. �You bet.

�Thank you, Jonesy. �You bet.

SHORESY: You bet I willed Natalie Scruter in 2010.

You know, if Wayne could hear this, he'd spit.

You fucking lost, forty�four?

Let 'em have it boys.

�Hey, one�four... �BOTH: B'ys.

Whudda y'at?

TEDDY: Some cold out here, wha, Tommy?

Oh, but she's right pretty, though.

Knows, Tommy. Knows.

Uh, Yorkie?

�I'm gonna... �Look at this skeet, Teddy.

That's the broadest skeet I ever seen'r saw.

Bit of a sook by the looka ya, too.

Knows, Tommy. Knows.

Scholtzy.

�I'm gonna... �You don't look just right

Native to me, b'y. Bit mauzy on the rules

but I'm told to play for the Native team

you gotta be right Native.

�Where ya longs to? �Yeah, who knit ya?

Fisk.

Shut the fuck up...

You're right crooked today, aren't ya.

Plain he's right rotted, Tommy.

Fousty groupa CFA's, I'd say.

Right fousty groupa come from aways.

Fucking knows, Teddy. Knows.

Boomtown.

I'm gonna beat the shit outta...

Best go on in outta that talk, b'y.

That talk'll have all hands crooked.

You'll have all hands right rotted

S'be careful, b'y. I'll park ya broadside to the boards.

Teddy'll park ya rig handy.

The b'ys thought we'd have a time, Tommy,

but here the arse has fallen right out of her.

Just came by to say let's get on the go, but...

Yeah, like long may your big jib draw, and all that.

If it's all hands you want, it's all hands you'll get.

All hands throwin' hands, Tommy.

Scrap a donny or what have ya.

Knows, Tommy. Knows.

Fucking knows, Teddy.

Whudda'ya say we go for a pint after the game anyway?

Fire up a scoff, I'm gutfounded.

Scoffs till we're stogged, Teddy.

But first she's these skeets.

First she's these sooks then we go on in out of it.

Let's have a time.

Fucking all hands.

Let's get on the go.

Fuck man, knows.

B'ys, where'd'yas go around here anyway for a good bread dinner?

Back to fucking Newfieland.

Oh, now, don't go mentionin' home.

Gives me warm and tinglies and all this.

Gives me the warmest fuzzies

do all this talk of Newfoundland.

I'll have a tear broadside the eye for the effort.

Parked a tear rig handy.

Fuck, Teddy, Knows.

Best we goes on outta this conversation, Tommy.

B'y, she's best we get on the go.

B'y find the slot'n stay where you're to,

till I comes where you're at, wha.

Knows, Teddy, knows.

Let's get on the go.

Long may your big jib draw, b'y.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Holy fuck.

REILLY: Yeah, and most people actually don't know this

but they speak a different language in Newfoundland.

JONESY: There was no sense chirping them

'cause they don't know English

and we don't know how to speak, uh...

REILLY: Newfish.

Thanks buddy, and we don't know how to speak Newfish.

But we'll learn because you know really,

all Canadians should speak all three official languages.

For sure, bro.

That's why we focused on the game and spanked them.

Onto the final!

Love it, boys.

Yeah, we wanna hear all about it.

Just save it for the fire.

�How'r ya now? �BOTH: Good.

He wasn't talking to you.

�Good'n you? �Not s'bad.

All right, boys. Spill it.

Give us the game plan for the big final.

�BOTH: Okay. �But,

say it like you're talking to

Kate Beirness and Tessa Bonhomme from TSN.

You're celebrities now.

Are you seri�dog?

You're on the biggest stage in Canadian sports, boys.

TS fucking N.

She's seri�dog.

What's all this then?

Hang tight.

Boys, what's the focus going into tomorrow night's bout

with the juggernaut squad from Quebec?

(CLEARS THROAT)

�Well... �Make sure to project.

Let's see some excitement.

Yeah. Let's hear the passion, boys!

Okay, um...

Well, we've gotta have all four lines bangin' out there.

We gotta do the little things right.

Uh, make sure we're taking short shifts,

�thirty seconds hard and off. �That's it?

And you gotta keep it simple out there.

Do the little things right. Fire a few howies

around the tendies ears early to get him rattled

and establish a net front presence till the final horn.

Okay. This time really go for it.

Okay, uh.

We gotta make sure we're playing for the crest

on the front of out sweaters

and out brothers beside us on the bench.

We're gonna go out there and we're gonna make sure

we're bringing the ship home with 18 of our brothers.

Battles and wars, boys. Blood, sweat and tears.

One final tour of duty, guns loaded,

in the trenches, marching

shoulder to shoulder with our brothers.

No good man left behind.

�For us, for each other. �For the brotherhood.

For our country! For Newfoundland!

Death before surrender!

We gonna fuck this pig?

K.

You fucking fruit snackers.

You fucking tea towler.

Squirrelly, go ahead and take a couple steps towards him

and don't be surprised if all of a sudden

he's got some place to be.

�Who put a nickel in you? �You're a dilly bar, bud.

�Fucking bowl filler. �You're a fucking day old.

You are fucking average.

Were yous in a pretty tough

car accident at one point or something?

You think you're playin' for the Toronto Maple Leafs?

You're playing for the Toronto Maple Queefs.

You're a fucking noodle, and you look like a goose.

�Know the TSN turning point? �Yeah.

Yous are TSN turning fucking dumber.

You're a bunch of fucking mis�plays.

You're the Motrin pain of the day

and the Pepto�Bismol upset of the week.

�Fucking novice. �And all this brotherhood talks

gotta stop when it's uncertain yous don't suck each other off.

You giving his flute a little toot?

I think he'd give his flute a big hoot.

DARYL: Big ol' mouth full of bell end.

You are so fucking 5'11".

You're a fucking anchor, bud.

Get the fuck off the property.

(QUIETLY) I think Wayne's back.

Fuck a duck.

♪♪♪