Original subtitles

# White, white chocolate #

# She's the next hot chocolate #

# They call her white, white chocolate #

# White, white chocolate #

# She's the next hot chocolate #

# Hot, hot chocolate #

# Oh, my white, white chocolate #

# White, white chocolate #

# That's the way I like it, that's the way I like it #

# That's the way I like it, yeah, yeah, yeah #

# All right #

Shit.

- Hey. - Hi.

I'm, uh, Adam.

That must make me Eve.

- No, seriously. - I'm being serious.

You're beautiful.

You're blocking traffic.

Hey, asshole! Come on!

# That's the way I like it #

Yo! Come on!

# That's the way I like it, that's the way I like it #

# Yeah, yeah, yeah #

Hey, how's it going?

It took you long enough.

Uh, it'll be 11.58, please.

Mmm. Pepperoni.

Mmm. Jil Sander.

Impressive.

- Here's 12. Keep the change. - OK.

And it better not be cold.

You're still beautiful.

Heh. Thank you.

You know what?

I think I forgot to get your number.

# Indifferent... #

# I'm in the mood to make #

# Several mistakes in a row... #

# Mmm, mmm, mmm #

Cute hat.

# I'm in the mood to make #

# Several mistakes in a row #

Please tell me you did not just give your number...

to the pizza guy.

Yeah, I did.

Why did I join a sorority again?

I got it.

Hey.

What are you doing right now?

Nothing.

# It was never the plan #

# To just up and leave #

# You know I've tried to understand #

# Now it's out of my hands #

# And the months just creep #

# Now I'm just another man #

# Come the fall #

# I will remember you #

# Though you'll be gone November #

# Come May, I'll still remember you #

# Come what falls #

# I will remember you #

# Though you'll be gone forever #

# I will remember #

Thank you. Thank you.

Not bad for a delivery boy.

Thanks... I guess.

Chicks dig guitar, right?

That's what they say.

Heh heh.

For real, you were very good.

I'll take that.

Who was the last song about?

It was really sad.

My mother.

She died when I was 12.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That must've been really hard.

Yeah, it was.

We were close.

Heh. Anyways, I'm sorry to get all dark on you.

It's all right. I like dark.

You do?

"Tick tock"?

Life's not slowing down for anybody.

What about you?

What about me?

Do you have any dreams?

Yeah, I do.

Whoa. Sports photographer.

Only by default. I wanted to be a football player...

until the boys I grew up with...

started playing tackle instead of touch.

Too tough for you?

No. Just when I broke my collarbone...

my parents made me stop.

Some guy actually hit you?

Oh, yeah. I went up to make the grab...

dude blindsided me.

Tough girl. I like that.

I've been infatuated with athletes ever since.

Where have you been hiding?

Where have you been looking?

Will you go out with me again?

Oh. You are in big trouble.

# Just a box full of photographs #

# Maybe a hundred or more #

# Here's the one from the photo machine #

# At the five and ten cent store... #

Hold on. Wait a sec.

I have something to tell you.

What's that?

I've never...

been with anyone before.

Huh?

I'm a virgin.

Heh. That's funny.

You are?

Yeah. Is that hard to believe?

No, I mean, it's, uh...

I didn't know virgins existed anymore.

Yeah. We're making a comeback.

Great.

# I remember the rain #

# We were soaked to the bone #

# And I hoped with all my heart #

# You'd take my hand and walk me home #

# Then we went to the corner... #

Heh. No.

# You looked at me #

# I smiled a smile... #

- Is it a religious thing? - No.

Are you waiting till you get married?

Not necessarily.

Then what is it?

Look, it is what it is. Can you deal with that?

Yeah. Of course.

Good, 'cause, you know, I kind of like you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Ha ha ha ha! Whoo!

# Round and round with love's little dances #

# Round and round we go... #

Mm-mmm.

No.

# Love's little dances #

- Come on! - Go! Go! Go!

- Yeah! - Whoo!

# Took me in your arms, and we danced all night #

# As if no one else could see #

# I never counted on a dream #

I guess I was wondering...

what kind of time frame we're looking at.

Why?

Do you see it happening anytime soon?

And if I don't?

It doesn't matter.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm just happy to be the guy...

that gets to go home with you every night.

Shh!

- Shh! - Shh!

- Ha ha ha! - Stupid.

# Round and round we go #

# Cross your fingers and take your chances #

# That's all romance is #

Ohh!

# Love's little dances... #

Ooh, that looks painful.

You're getting drilled here.

- Ha! - Yep.

What's up?

Ha ha ha!

Enough with the picture stuff.

Ha ha ha!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I want this to be perfect.

Heh.

Yes.

# I love you more than I should #

# So much more than is good #

# For me #

# More than is good #

# Ohh... #

Mm.

What is it?

I'm not ready.

I thought you said you wanted everything to be perfect.

# More than I should #

Mmm.

I like laying here with you.

This is great.

# I am falling #

Adam?

Yeah.

Thanks for being so wonderful.

# And I'll lie in the sound... #

I had a great time last night.

Yeah.

- Are you OK? - Yeah.

OK, well...

I'll, um, I'll call you later.

- All right. - OK.

Let me in!

Oh!

Uhh!

# Oh, I'm sick and tired #

# Of living this life #

- Freddie! - Yeah.

Let me in, asshole! Open the window!

Ohh.

Come on, let me in, man.

Uhh.

What's wrong with you?

I can barely walk, man.

Still nothin', huh?

I used to think blue balls were a myth.

Uhh! Ahh.

I feel like the goddamn poster boy.

I don't know how you put up with it.

I would've set that shit straight a long time ago, my friend.

Is it really asking so much for my girlfriend...

to get me off sometimes?

I mean, I have needs, too, right?

Hold up. Are you saying she doesn't even blow you?

Yeah. Heh.

She jerks you off, though, right?

Jesus Christ, man.

What are you still doing with her?

Uhh.

I, uh, wanted to...

check out one of... one of your songs.

- So you throw it in the trash? - My bad. My bad.

It's good shit, though.

I like the, uh, part you say, uh, over and over.

- The chorus? - Yeah. Yeah.

# When you let me go #

# A stronger love I'll never know #

# And these will be the good old days for me #

Uhh.

- Real classy, man. - Aw...

Uhh! Oh...

# The days that I'll look back upon #

# Endlessly #

Fu...

Look, you are only in college once, OK?

She keeps fucking making you leave early...

every time we go out.

You're missing out on all the good stuff.

Heh. What'd I miss last night?

I don't recall.

But it must've been good...

'cause l... uhh... feel like I got hit by a bus.

She's just... she's so goddamn cute.

Where did we go last night?

No girl's good enough to be with, man...

if she's not satisfying you. Am I right?

You're preachin' to the preacher, man.

I mean, shit, man, I might as well just get a dog or something.

Dog food is cheaper than sushi.

But this is our senior year, kid!

I can't be abstinent my senior year!

Oh, don't even talk like that.

But if I didn't stick it out...

I'd always be wondering what it could've been like.

No, you won't, man. It's like my grandpa says...

"You stick a bag over their heads. It's all the same."

Why do I always believe her when she says this is different?

"I just want to be sure, Adam.

"I've never felt this way before.

I'm scared."

Word for goddamn word, man.

It's all a game, my friend.

The more you play their bullshit, the more you lose.

So, what are you saying, man, I should cut my losses?

Sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

I just don't know if I'm ready to do that yet, Freddie.

I mean, I can't handle the thought of seeing her with another guy.

Your girlfriend doesn't even blow you!

That's death by stoning in some countries.

How do you not just step up and be, like, "Blow me"?

You can't just tell a virgin to blow you!

God did. Heh. Besides...

she's not the Virgin Mary, for Christ's sake.

Virgin!

What's he so pissed about?

Eve's still holding on to her "V" card.

So? I thought that he loves her.

What's that got to do with anything?

- Mmm. - Ow!

Pig.

Think about it. They've been together almost as long as we have.

You've got to give the guy credit for sticking around this long.

Sticking around? He should want to be around...

not feel like he's being held against his will.

If we weren't having sex, you think we'd still be together?

I'm leaving.

If we weren't... if we hadn't taken...

our relationship to the next level...

we would just be going through the motions right now.

You really think that?

- She doesn't even blow him. - Ouch.

How about I hold out on you and see how you like it?

Hell, no. Get that thing over here.

You're really talented, Eve.

Thanks.

You have an amazing eye.

Well, I appreciate that, Professor Hastings.

Call me Dick.

No, I'd rather not.

# Now, I ain't tryin' to wake up with you, ma #

# I'm just tryin' to get out with you, man... #

I knew I should've gone to Penn State.

# Why don't I rub that? #

# You know, man, cut that #

# Me and my ho squash #

# Yeah, let me touch that... #

Shit.

- Yeah? - Hello.

Hey! What's up?

Are you mad at me?

Why would, uh... why would I be mad?

You can tell me.

OK, so maybe I am a little bit frustrated.

See? You have to be able...

Uh, one nonfat latte, right?

Hold on a sec.

Hey, did anybody ever tell you you got a really great smile?

Thanks. Heh.

Eww, eww, eww.

Adam, we need to be able to talk about these things.

There's no pressure, all right?

All I know is, I'd rather be spending my time with you...

than with anybody else.

I mean, the sex stuff is totally secondary.

See? That's why I like you, Adam.

You're not a Neanderthal like most guys.

Oh, are you going to the job fair today?

No, they don't have a booth for aspiring rock stars.

Can't hurt to have a fallback.

Fallbacks are for pussies.

Oh, Adam, hold on a sec.

Hi. Here you go.

Thank you. God bless.

Lord have mercy.

# Let me touch that, oh, let me rub that #

# Damn, let me cut that #

# Oh, that ass is so thick #

# Chit #

Hey, Baker.

Wait a minute, Munch.

- What are you doing in there? - Nothing, man.

You beating off in there?

Would you go away, please?!

Oh, yeah. Mmm. That's nice.

Yeah. Yeah.

Stick it in my big, fat, hairy ass!

Ohh, man!

Do it to me, big boy!

Oh, yeah!

Ooh, you like that...

Thanks, asshole.

I won't be able to walk all day now.

Man, she did it to you again, huh?

Ohh, man.

This is getting to be ridiculous, man.

I love Eve and all, but...

you beat off more than me these days.

Are those the same underwear? How many days in a row is that?

Five days.

No way, man. That's at least a week.

I didn't wear any underwear on Sunday.

You said "in a row."

You are a filthy slut, Munch.

- Oh, my God. - Jesus, man!

You know, they say when your balls smell worse than your butthole...

you should shower.

You gotta smell this, man.

Get out of here, man.

All right, you're missing out.

Now, can I continue masturbating, please?

Yeah.

I'm telling you, Mandy...

there's just something so exciting about doing it...

with your parents right in the next room.

Eww! I can't even imagine. Didn't you make noise?

No, he had his hand over my mouth the whole time.

- Ha ha! - Ha ha!

I could never. I'm a screamer.

Oh, well, see, I'm more of a moaner, so...

- Hi, Eve. - Hi, Eve.

Hi.

Were you not gonna say hi?

No, no, no. I was.

I'm just kind of in a daze right now...

and the coffee hasn't really kicked in yet.

Oh, well, I was just telling Mandy...

how John came home with me this last weekend...

and we did it in my old room with my parents right next door.

- Ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha!

No way!

Can you believe that?

- Ha ha! - Ha ha ha!

Oh, my God, Eve. I'm so sorry. I totally forgot.

Ohh. Oh, my God. I did, too.

Forgot what?

Well, that you're a...

you know, that you haven't...

Oh. That I'm a virgin?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Heh. It's not like I have leprosy or something.

- Well... - Heh. I know.

I just... you know, I wasn't sure if it was a sore subject.

Oh, no, no. Not at all.

I don't understand it, Eve.

I mean, how do you stay sane?

Yeah, I mean, don't you want to?

Yeah, of course I want to.

So, why don't you?

Do you really want to hear this?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

I believe in a love so permanent and exclusive...

between a man and a woman...

that it motivates me to keep my panties on...

even in the most tempting situations.

Who wrote that, your mother?

- Ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha!

Ha ha.

Don't you think that's a little naive... Eve?

- Ha ha ha! - Yeah! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha.

I guess I just don't know what I'm missing.

- I guess not! - I guess not!

Ha ha!

Ohh.

This is the all-new Body by Jake ab scissor...

the four-minute ab machine.

If you want a slimmer, trimmer waistline...

Forget those Girls Gone Wild.

These are Hot Girls Undercover.

Made you look!

# It's in the air #

# It's everywhere #

# It's in the air #

# Me so horny #

These girls are crazy. There's nothing they won't do.

Anything you want, Adam.

# Me so horny #

Come and get me, big boy.

I'm barely legal.

We want Adam.

We want Adam! We want Adam!

Ohh.

Come in.

Oh, sorry. Busy?

Oh, hey. No, I'm just studying.

On a Saturday?

I know. I'm a total loser. Ha!

- Yeah, who isn't? - What's up?

Um, ahem. I have a confession to make.

Sounds juicy.

Actually, it's more like an apology...

for judging you.

I know I don't, um, know you that well...

but, for some reason, I've, uh, always disliked you.

Thanks? Heh!

And I feel really terrible about it.

I mean, I know it's so close-minded of me...

and I would really like to get to know you better.

I'm, like, a total bitch, huh?

- No. Ha ha! - Ha ha!

No, not at all.

Come here. Sit down.

Um, it's actually really weird...

because... I don't know. I get that a lot.

You do?

Yeah. For some reason, girls just don't seem to like me.

That's because you're so gorgeous.

Oh, please.

Every girl in this house is so gorgeous.

Yeah, but they're threatened by you.

Ha ha!

It's a natural thing. It's, like, Darwinism or something.

I guess it sucks to be me, then. Ha ha.

I'm sure it doesn't suck to be you.

Everything you do is so... great.

Like what?

Like the virginity thing.

No, l... you don't mean that.

No, really. I mean...

heh.

I've had sex with three guys...

and every single one of them broke my heart.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I think it takes a lot of strength to do what you're doing.

Yeah, I know. Um...

sometimes I'm not so sure.

Huh huh huh huh huh.

- What's up, dude? - What's up?

This smell like cheese or meat?

Oh, what is that?

It's my balls, dude. That's my nuts.

That's not cool.

More, Billy! More!

Sounds like Billy's splittin' the uprights.

More, Billy!

It's good!

Shut up.

Sounds like they're sacrificing a goat in there.

Think about baseball! It helps!

That-a-boy, Billy!

Get the fuck outta here, moron!

More! More!

Uh, I wanted to know if I could borrow some toilet paper.

Yeah, I really need some...

Get... the fuck...

ahh... out of here.

Ahh!

I hate your friends.

OK, you know what? We'll come back later.

Yeah. Later... we'll come back.

Fuckin' idiots.

It's all right, baby. It's all right.

Did Patty smoke your pole last night?

Nope.

I gave her the Heisman.

I'm pretty sure she's got the, uh...

Itchy and Scratchy Show goin' on down south.

I don't care if she is disgusting, man.

I'd like to do my own disgusting things to her.

She looks like she could swallow a kielbasa...

- Ow! - Jerks.

- Hello? - Hi, sweetheart.

Hi. How are you?

- Hi, baby. - Hi, Daddy.

- Everything all right? - Mm-hmm. Everything's fine.

How's the boy? He treating you like a princess?

Yes, Daddy.

You tell him if he doesn't, I'll come break his legs.

I will be sure to pass that on.

We're still on for lunch, right?

Oh, yes, definitely. I can't wait.

OK. Here's your mother. Be good!

- He is so rude. - You love it.

So, how are you, sweetie?

You sounded a little upset on the answering machine.

I think it's really starting to bother him...

that we haven't had sex.

- Is he pressuring you? - No, not really.

Well, have you talked about it?

- Sort of. - And?

I'm really confused, Mom.

What are you confused about, honey?

I just... I don't know why I'm doing this.

I mean, I can understand why people think it's weird.

No, it most certainly is not weird.

Weird is letting random boys put their...

thingies in your thingy.

You did not just say "thingies in your thingy".

Ha ha ha!

You know I hate saying those words around you.

I really like him, Mom, and I feel like...

I may not be giving our relationship a chance.

Something worth having is worth waiting for.

How did you know when it was right for you and Dad?

When he told me he loved me.

Really?

Heh heh.

It was so hard for him.

It took him so long to build up the courage.

And, um, then, one night, we were just lying on the bed...

in his apartment, and he said it.

How did you know he meant it?

He had tears in his eyes.

Oh, I would've paid big money to see that.

After that, we were like dogs in heat!

Oh, Harry!

We were practically attached at the vortex of love!

Oh, my God! I'm hanging up now!

Oh, honey. I'm sorry.

Mom, when am I gonna know if I'm ready or not?

There's no right answer.

I was afraid you'd say that.

Just follow your heart, sweetheart.

And that, too.

Jesus!

Jesus Christ!

Which one of you barn animals did that?

- Did what? - Go look.

Oh, man.

You got to be kidding me.

Munch?

It's not even my color, man.

Man, who was just in here?

- Ferguson. - Ferguson.

You want me to do what, baby?

I could do that.

I could do that all night, girl.

What?

What the hell?

Did you just come downstairs and trim your pubes in our sink?

No.

Your eye is twitching...

punk.

I don't even know what you're talking about!

You broke my goddamn door!

I brush my teeth in that sink.

I piss in that sink.

Don't laugh. It ain't funny.

OK, OK, everyone pull out a pube.

What?

Don't make me do it for you, bitch.

I guarantee I'll yank out more than one.

Dude, that's so gay.

Gray pubes, Munch?

Yeah. It... it's this thing.

It's... it's a condition.

It's really... it's hard to explain.

This is such bullshit.

So I have short pubes. That doesn't prove anything.

Aah! All right, all right! I did it, I did it! Aah!

- Clean it up. - I will!

Damn, dude! You know I have a sensitive rectum!

Man, what kind of a bitch trims their pubes?

I do. If you trim the bush, the tree looks bigger.

- You do? - Yeah.

- I do, too. You guys kidding me?

I've trimmed. You've never trimmed?

Hell, no, man. You guys wax your chests also?

- Yeah. - That's totally different.

Frequent the tanning salons?

Whole other ballpark.

All right. Do you like it when girls have a hairy bush?

I don't mind.

Yeah, but you like it when they mow the lawn, right?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, don't you think you should extend them the same courtesy?

I like women that shave their legs.

Does that mean I should shave mine?

I think you're upset because you're in the minority here, Baker.

Well, I think real men like me are a dying breed.

Trust me. If Eve ever went down on you...

she'd like it if you trimmed your bush.

Eat a dick, Ferguson.

She doesn't even go down on him?

- Uh-uh. - Oh, my God.

What's her mouth for?

- Ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha!

So, you nail Snow White yet?

- Nope. - Jesus, man.

This girl's obviously damaged goods.

Dad, take it easy, all right?

Hey, I'm not paying your tuition so you can cuddle.

I need stories for my money. Go... go have a threesome.

Screw a teacher. Do something.

I'll keep that in mind.

I'm telling you, when you're fifty years old...

and you're jerking off...

you're going to need a lot of different memories to call on.

That's disgusting.

She must be really great looking.

Yeah, I mean... but you know what? It's more than that.

What do you mean?

I want to be intimate with this girl.

You know, not just for the sex. It's like...

Is this you coming out of the closet?

L... I want to get to know her.

I've told you this before. Nobody...

- Nobody knows anybody. - Exactly.

Well, no offense, Dad, but a guy with three ex-wives...

isn't exactly the best relationship role model.

- So don't listen to me. - I'm trying not to.

All right, I'm just kidding. I love you, son.

Heh. OK, Dad.

Bye-bye.

Oh, my God. Do that ass thing again you were doing.

# 'Cause baby, you're like religion #

# I let you nail me down #

# I can't get my head around #

# The halo that's shinin' around you #

# Who's to say that the sky won't fall? #

# Who's to say that the sun won't stall? #

# Who's to say that the man won't call? #

# Who's to say we can't have it all? #

Was that a hint?

No, it's just a song.

- It's good. - Thank you.

Hey, Baker.

Yeah?

You ever think about joining the army?

Yeah, man.

I mean, I guess the thought's crossed my mind before.

I think it'd be easier that way, you know?

At least that way you know exactly where you're supposed to be...

what you're supposed to be doing...

instead of constantly feeling...

like you should be doing something else all the time.

Yeah, man, but, I mean...

you ever think about the actually going to war part?

Yeah, but come on.

I mean, everything's got a down side, right?

Munch, what are you doing, man?

Are you admiring your dump?

I'm wiping my ass.

What? Standing up?

Yeah.

You got to be kidding me, man.

- How do you wipe? - Sitting down, bro.

Ha ha! Fucking unbelievable.

Sitting? How the hell do you wipe sitting down?

How the hell do you wipe sitting down?

Wait a minute, wait a minute. You stand, too, Billy?

Yeah.

This is unbelievable. Freddie?

- Sitting. - Thank you.

I don't understand. How do you wipe sitting down?

You put your hand in the bowl with a turd swimming around in it?

No, man, you do a little lean-off.

Come side door.

How the hell do you wipe standing up?

I've never heard of such a thing.

Ferguson, what about you?

- Sitter. - That's ridiculous.

What, you're telling me you turn and face the bowl?

Yeah.

You're telling me you guys don't smear shit all over your ass?

Nah, you got to spread 'em. You don't smear.

That's the whole thing is, spread your cheeks.

Uhh. Aw, man.

Sitting, huh? I got to try that.

So, you go around the side, but not up the middle.

Oh, yeah. The side door's the only way, man.

Up the middle, you get your balls and legs involved...

- and you don't want that. - Interesting.

All right, all right. It's good enough.

Let the games begin.

# Whoa, oh, oh #

# Whoa, oh, oh #

# Whoa, oh, oh #

# Whoa, oh, oh #

# I spent some time with myself #

# Well, my head was on fire #

# 'Cause my picture's on the shelf #

# All right, now #

- Yeah! - Yeah!

I'm OK! I'm OK!

# There's nowhere to go, oh, oh #

# When you find yourself in a crowded room #

# Do you find your head... #

Hey, stud.

What's up, Patty?

Nothing. I just haven't seen you around in a while.

- I been busy. - With Eve?

Yes, with Eve.

Ooh, exciting.

You guys must have some great pillow talk.

Fuck off, Patty. You don't know shit.

Oh, did I hit a sore spot?

You done?

Mm-hmm. Just curious.

Why?

I like you, Adam.

I always thought you and me should be friends.

How are we going to be friends, Patty? Thank you.

Come on.

Don't tell me you never wonder.

About what?

About what it would be like...

to bend my legs behind my head like a pretzel...

and then do whatever you want with me.

Jesus Christ.

Hi.

Heh. Hey.

I'm going to go get another beer.

You keep that in mind.

Hmm. Nice ruffles.

Excuse me.

Ahem. So, what were you two talking about?

Pretzels. Um, Sarah, right?

Yeah. Ahem.

We were in the same sociology class.

I'm surprised you knew that. I only saw you there once.

Yeah, right. Anyways, welcome to our shameful abode.

The keg's in there, and have a good time.

- You need a beer? - No, thanks.

# Well, if I take myself into a room... #

So, I've been thinking about the song you sang me.

What about it?

Well, obviously, you're trying to tell me something.

Look, Adam, if you have something to say, just say it.

It's just that it's been nine months, Eve.

I mean, here I am thinking everything's going great...

but you still don't trust me.

Yes, I do. I do. I do trust you.

Then what is the problem?

Look, my virginity is really important to me.

It's important to me, too, OK?

Adam, I have never felt closer to anybody than I do to you.

Do you have any idea how amazing it would be?

Hmm?

# And it feels so good, don't hide #

See, that's what I'm talking about.

You are so sweet.

- Say cheese. - Get the fuck out!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

- Hello. - Hi.

I find you strangely attractive.

Thanks?

Look...

# Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up #

# Wake up, up, up, wake up #

# Wake up #

# I see your face when I close my eyes #

# I hear your words, and I realize #

# Wake up #

# And now I'm walking #

# Right beside you on my own #

Let's get down to the brass tacks.

I don't have time to fuck around.

I like you.

Ha ha ha ha!

I like you a lot.

And if I'm not mistaken, I think you like me. Ahem.

So, let's just cut the bullshit.

What do you say?

Why not?

# Wake up, up, up, wake up #

# Wake up #

# Wake up #

# Wake up, up, up, wake up #

# Wake up #

# Wake up #

# Wake up #

# And now I'm walking #

# Right beside you on my own #

Get crazy! Go, man!

# I got a pocket full of razor blades #

# So come on #

# Come on #

# Wake up #

# Wake up #

# Wake up, up, up, wake up #

# Wake up, up #

# Wake up #

# Wake up, up, up, wake up #

# Wake up #

- Oh! - Ooh!

Aw, dude. Shit.

I think Munch just shit himself.

I did.

OK, and that was my cue to leave.

Already?

Yes, honey. I got to study for my midterms.

You have two weeks.

Yeah. Not everyone can cram the night before like you do...

and get good grades.

Well, how do you know if you don't try?

OK, yeah. Sarah, I'm leaving.

Are you coming?

Um, I think I'm going to stay for a while.

Are you sure?

- She's sure. - OK, good.

OK, I'll call you tomorrow.

Have fun with your friends.

What about my needs?

Oh, bye-bye, drunk boy.

Bye-bye, drunk boy.

- Ha ha ha ha! - Heh.

Heh heh heh.

This whole town is built on miles of hope.

Yeah. I dare you. I dare anybody...

to give me one reason why I should stay...

a guy like me.

Well, what's it mean, Munch?

It means...

that nobody has the answers...

not me, not you.

Not even you...

because there are no answers.

No... you know?

I mean, nobody knows what's right or what's wrong...

because there is no right or wrong...

only what's right for us.

Wow, Munch, that might actually have been deep.

Come on. I like you, though.

# What my grandma done for me #

Baker dog. How goes it?

What's up, Vaughn?

- How's little Evie girl doing? - Fine.

Yeah? You know, that's one hot piece of ass you got there.

- You hit that shit yet? - Watch your mouth, man.

I guess not. You must be taking a lot of cold showers...

spending all your time with that cock tease.

Whoa! Touched a nerve there, didn't I?

Easy, fellas. We're all brothers here.

Yeah, Baker. Bros before hos, right, homey?

Yo, man, my bad. I'm sorry.

It's all right, playa. I un...

# Rosary #

Hey, man.

I'm going to draw a penis on your forehead, OK, homey?

Cool. Keep it gangsta.

Vaughn's still out.

Uhh. I hate my life, Billy.

I hate my life, man.

You don't mean that.

You know, here I am...

with the most unbelievable girl.

Thank you.

And I'm on the verge of giving it up.

Why?

Because she won't let me put...

this excess piece of cartilage between my legs...

inside of her.

It's, like, I'm some sort of a caveman?

Well, that's because you're a guy, man.

So what does that mean?

I'm supposed to have no self-control?

You're being too hard on yourself.

I mean, most guys wouldn't even stick it out this long.

Give yourself some credit.

Well, I don't know, Billy.

Something's got to give, man.

I love Eve to death...

but this is driving me up the wall.

- Have you brought that yet? - Brought what?

I love you.

I love you. That's what they want to hear.

Man, she knows I love her.

It may not be a bad idea to bring it soon though.

I mean, besides, it's the truth.

You know what, Billy?

You're absolutely right.

I am?

You are absolutely right.

I am?

Ha! That's what I have to do, man.

I mean, one shot. Let it go. Full throttle romance.

- There you go, kid. - No holds barred, man.

That's what I'm talking about, baby.

If she doesn't go for it, she leaves me no choice.

- You got to do it. - That's it!

- Come on, man, give me a hug. - Ahh.

- I love you, OK? - I love you, too, man.

And I dare you...

I dare you to give me one reason to stay.

There's no right for any of us.

There's only what's right for each of us.

For both of us.

I like you so much.

# You say the rosary #

Munch?

- Ha ha. - Heh.

Ha ha!

I'm OK!

# 'Cause, baby, you're like religion #

# I let you nail me down #

# I can't get my head around #

# The halo that's shinin' around you #

# Who's to say that the sky won't fall? #

# Who's to say that the sun won't stall? #

# Who's to say that the man won't call? #

# Who's to say we can't have it all? #

And you must be Eve.

Yes, it's me.

I see why a man would go through all this trouble.

OK, I'm supposed to read this to you.

"To my beautiful Eve.

"Roses are red.

Violets are violet, not blue."

Ha ha ha.

"But, you, you are the thought...

"that touches my soul.

"You have become a part of me... my favorite part."

Oh.

# I'm in the mood #

# To make several mistakes #

# In a row #

# On the floor #

# In the place #

# We met before #

# There is poetry in emptiness #

# That's why I always turn to us #

# When I'm in the mood #

# To make several mistakes #

# In a row #

# Mmm, mmm, mmm #

# Mmm, mmm, mmm #

Oh, wow.

Happy Valentine's Day.

It's not Valentine's Day.

- It is now. - Ha ha.

# Well, baby, I'm lonely, too #

# I got this 12-pack of my favorite brew #

# I wanna stay with you #

- Ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha!

# When the water breaks #

# No, you never seen no sight like this #

# A sweetwater lake with little golden fish #

# And they swim right up to you #

# They're not afraid of you #

I love you, Eve.

# Jesus wants the radio #

# So he can keep track of the Romeos #

# In the world #

# He's got a woman down here #

# She's thinking of songs now #

# That you just never hear #

# She's thinking about all those yesteryears #

# When she was a good girl #

Uh-uh. No.

You're kidding, right?

No.

Is that why you did all this? So I would sleep with you?

I thought we might actually do something else...

besides sleep for a change.

Look, I can't just be ready...

because you decided to be romantic, Adam.

That's not how it works.

How does it work, Eve?

You tell me. How does it work?

If you were this frustrated, you should've told me.

Well, I'm telling you right now! I am frustrated!

I'm frustrated as hell!

Yeah, I can see that.

I mean, what is it? You have no kind of physical desire...

for me whatsoever?

No.

Uh, yes, yes, I do.

This is like being in first fucking grade with you, Eve, you know?

I'm sorry.

"I'm sorry."

Well, I'm sick and tired of your I'm sorrys.

I thought maybe at some point in our relationship...

things would change...

and you might actually trust me a little bit.

I do trust you.

Then what are you so damn afraid of, Eve?

I don't know!

I don't know.

Unbelievable.

God damn it!

# Explosion #

Get back, all right? Get back, all right?

Asshole.

# Catch me on the wrong day #

# I'm soul, I want to see the real me #

# Watch out now #

# I'm sick of getting treated like a stepchild #

# Hurry up and roll, 'cause I'm counting down to one #

# Explosion #

# Oh, yeah #

# Explosion #

# Whoa, oh, yeah #

# Somebody save me #

# From myself again #

# The devil's cut my eye #

# With his evil breath #

# One more #

# Sleepless night #

# In Hollywood #

# Where the stars shine bright #

# So let me be loved #

# Seduce me with sins for free #

Mmm...

# If this is so bad #

# Then why in the hell #

# Does it feel so good to me? #

# It's not because you have a nice room #

# Or because you're a perfect ten #

# It's not because you're not doomed #

# Or because I don't hate all your friends #

# But I will always love you #

# I can't say that #

# It's because you don't lie #

Ow.

# I will always love you #

# But I can't say why #

Shit.

Shit! Shit, shit.

What?

Please tell me that... that we didn't just...

last night... we didn't...

Like rock stars.

Shit.

Please. Like you haven't been wanting this.

Gotta go.

What, suddenly you're shy?

This was a big mistake.

I don't make mistakes.

- You gotta get dressed. - Eat me.

I'm gonna need my panties.

Where are your panties?

Well, you had to know it was only a matter of time.

Oh, God, shut up, Patty.

Well, if you think about it, it's her own fault...

for not being able to keep her man satisfied.

- Listen. - Hmm?

If you tell anybody about this, I swear to God...

Yeah, right.

And what are you gonna do?

Please don't do this. Please don't do this.

Relax. I'm not gonna say anything.

I got what I wanted.

When you guys break up, you know where to find me.

I've been looking for a fuck buddy who knows what he's doing.

- See ya. - Wait. Uh...

one second. Um, not the door.

- Heh! - One second.

Yeah, right.

Fuck.

Pick up the hooker.

Pick her up, kill her, and take your money back.

Thank you. I'm trying.

# Me so horny #

Later, boys.

Who bumped Patty last night?

Not me.

Fuckin' Ferguson?

Yeah, like Ferguson ever gets laid.

Fuck you, dude. It's a slump.

It doesn't look like I did.

Ha!

Holy shit!

- Tell me you wore a condom. - Tell me you didn't.

Tell me you ate her box.

What did I do?

- Ha ha ha. - Ha ha ha.

Please tell me you didn't.

Don't judge a book by its cover, Eve.

I mean, Freddie may seem strange and vulgar...

but he is very in touch with his feminine side.

How so?

Well, he writes poetry and loves animals.

- He told you that? - Yeah.

OK, I think he's pulling your chain.

OK, well, then, how do you explain...

the fact that he wears women's underwear?

Uh-uh.

But I think it's sexy!

- Bitch! - You slut!

Oh! Fucking whore!

Get off me!

You bitch!

Ohh! No!

- Oh! - Ohh!

Somebody get this crazy bitch off me!

Fucking slut!

- Aah! - Aah!

Help me!

Oh! Fucking... ahh!

Ohh! I'm bleeding, you psycho!

You scheming bitch!

Oh, don't even try to put it all on me, Cindy!

You know he wanted it, too.

You just wish you were me.

That's what this comes down to, you two-faced fucking whore!

- Ohh! - I hate you!

I hate you, too!

God, I've never seen anything like that in person before.

- I know how she feels. - You do?

When I found out that Alex cheated on me...

I was a total wreck. I didn't leave my room...

for, like, two weeks.

Oh, my God. I just... I can't imagine.

I cannot imagine opening myself up to someone like that...

and then being betrayed like that.

Ha ha. You'd be surprised what you could handle.

Ohh, God.

I don't know.

You know, in a crazy sort of way, I'm glad that it happened to me.

- You are? - Yeah, I mean...

'cause you gotta get knocked down to get back up, and all that.

Yeah, I'd rather just not get knocked down.

If you could pull that off, more power to you.

You did the right thing, Baker.

Who thinks Baker did the right thing?

See? It's anonymous.

Unanimous, you dildo.

- Why the name-calling? - I have issues.

Where are we eating?

Taco...

Ah, yes. Today is a good day for diarrhea.

Pffft!

- What's wrong? - I don't know, man.

Suddenly, I gotta piss real bad.

They have a good bathroom at the T-Lair.

I've grown many a fine brown tail there.

Four blocks away.

Jeez, I don't know if I can wait.

- Are you serious? - Holy shit!

OK, OK. Hey, slow down!

- Take the wheel! Take the wheel! - Slow it down!

Watch the fuckin' road, man!

Hit the brakes!

Brake, god damn it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Wait till the car fuckin' stops!

Ah, for fuck's sakes!

Uhh!

Ahh!

What the fuck?

Ahh!

For fuck's sake.

Ohh, shit! Uhh!

Jesus Christ!

Aah!

What the hell is goin' on, Baker?

I'm pissin' goddamn razor blades, man!

That's what's goin' on!

- See, Munch? - What?

I told you, that bitch is dirty.

What are you talkin' about?

Ain't it obvious? You caught something...

from Patty the petri dish.

Bullshit, bullshit.

There's no way it would show up this fast.

Yeah, there's gotta be, like, an incubation period.

I'm telling you, she has got diseases...

they don't even have foundations for yet.

Don't you listen to him, Baker. You can pee.

- Ohh! - Go for it.

Oh, shit!

Hello, officer.

Nice day?

Smart-ass.

Ohh!

- Baker? - What?!

Holy shit!

I just don't understand how a little pleasure...

could be worth so much pain.

Well, sometimes it's not...

and sometimes it is.

Sometimes it really is.

Who's the best you've ever been with?

Alex... no question.

He knew exactly where I wanted to be touched.

Where?

Ohh. Everywhere. I wanted his hands all over me...

in my thighs, on my back...

on my arms, my hair, my neck, my hips.

Ohh. It was amazing every single time.

Ha! Look at you.

I mean, maybe not every time, but most of the time.

If it's with the right person, it's the most amazing thing.

You get to see a side of someone that's... secret...

that no one else gets to see.

I like that.

Wait a minute.

Does this mean that you've never had an orgasm?

- Oh, my God. - Well...

I... think I have.

I mean, I've definitely felt things.

Trust me, girl. You would definitely know.

I mean, it's amazing little violent explosions...

that are going on all around your body.

It's, like, unmistakable. I just...

I just can't believe you haven't had one.

Not even by accident?

What? How do you have one by accident?

Like, let's say your hand accidentally...

slips down your panties.

- Ha ha ha! - Ha ha!

Or let's say, like, you accidentally...

take out your vibrator from your drawer.

And you have a vibrator?

Oh, no. But you could borrow it if you want to.

His name is Tyson.

- Ah ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha!

No, thank you. I'll pass.

Oh, man. I just...

I don't know how you survive.

Yes, Mr. Baker?

Hi, Doc. Um...

I'm sort of having this problem with my... with my dick.

- Your penis. - Right, sorry. Penis.

What's the problem?

Um... l'm pissing razor blades.

OK. Bring in a cup of urine tomorrow.

A full cup?

A full cup would be best, yes.

Oh, that might be a problem...

'cause I'm only managing a squirt at a time here.

All right, then.

Just do the best you can.

Right. OK, thank you.

You're welcome. Bye.

Be strong, buddy.

We're gonna get through this.

Ohh! Ahh!

The internet is so awesome.

That's, uh, 17.73.

Aah!

Ferguson, I never knew your mother was a dancer.

Shut up, dick. You know I got two dads.

Oh, my God. That's a lot of woman.

Aah!

Uh, I'm... I'm sorry. These are... these are...

I can't look away from this.

I can't stop looking at it.

You know, I find myself strangely attracted to her.

Ahh! Aah!

Jesus Christ. Baker! Did it fall off?

Dude, they're... they're... they're no good.

These... these coupons... they, uh, expired two years ago.

Ha ha ha ha!

Here, take this instead, man. Take this.

C-c-come on, man.

It's the entire history of Britain.

- Ha ha ha ha! - Ha ha ha ha ha!

Come on. I'm sorry, dude. I'm just playing.

I'm just fucking with you, dude.

I did it.

There he is.

This guy just peed.

Oh, my God...

- Ha ha ha ha! - Ohh!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, my God!

That's it.

Ha ha ha ha!

Let me ask you this.

If things didn't work out between you guys...

because you didn't have sex...

could you see yourself regretting it?

Yeah, maybe.

And if you slept with Adam and things didn't work out...

could you see yourself regretting that?

No, I don't think so.

I mean, I feel so comfortable with him...

and I feel like he appreciates things about me...

that nobody else does.

Well, you don't need me, girl.

It looks like you got your answer yourself.

Heh.

No, no, no. You can't tell her.

I have to.

Don't take this the wrong way...

Even if you do have something, how's Eve gonna catch it?

That's not the point, Billy?

What is the point, then?

Honesty.

I fucked another girl, man.

It happens. And when it does...

you gotta be man enough to live with the guilt.

That's the sacrifice.

And telling her... that's the weak thing to do.

I don't know.

You're pissin' fire.

Isn't that punishment enough?

That's exactly my point.

I mean, he was totally using her to get to me anyway.

So obviously.

I mean, I don't even understand what the big deal is.

Adam.

Hey, Mandy.

Starting a little early today, are we?

You know me. The party never stops.

Right on.

Well, I just finished my last class of the day.

Give me a sip.

No, no, no. You don't want this.

Come on, don't be selfish.

Give her a sip.

You won't like this kind. Trust me.

I'll be the judge of that.

OK.

Is that a pale ale or something?

- Yeah. - It's Mexican.

That's what I figured.

A real beer connoisseur.

See you guys later?

- Take care. - See you.

Pfff! Ha ha! Shit.

What?

How would you like it if I sat here playing the goddamn violin all day...

while you were trying to watch TV?

As your friend, I would support your creative impulses.

Learn a song at least.

Eve! I'm sorry. You just missed him.

I need you guys to do me a really huge favor.

Huge?

I need you guys to take off.

Ha ha! Hell, no. Ricki Lake's on next.

Please?

Where are we supposed to go?

Look, here's the keys to my car and 20 bucks.

I'm sure there's some bar that has happy hour.

A thousand bucks.

25.

40. Non-negotiable.

- 30. - Done.

Wait. No. 30, and you have to show us one of your boobs.

Which one, right or left?

Uh, I always liked the left one.

Heh. You're stupid.

I would've done it out of the goodness of my heart, Eve.

I would've done it just for a look at your boobs.

- Now? - Yeah.

Did you count the money?

She's coming with me.

That's it.

Ahem.

Have you ever cheated on Katie?

- Me? - Yeah.

Of course not.

OK, once.

When?

Uh... a couple of months ago when I went home for Christmas.

I saw, uh, my old girlfriend at a party...

and, you know, I tapped that ass.

Man, we are such assholes, dude.

Yeah, I know.

Mr. Baker? You're next.

Knock 'em dead, kid.

Have a seat up there for me, please.

So, uh... am I dying?

Heh. Not as far as we can tell.

But your urine test came back inconclusive...

so we want to run some more tests just to make sure.

Why don't you go ahead and take off your pants?

- Here? - Please.

With these things, we have to be extremely careful...

so what we're gonna do is go ahead and take a culture.

A culture?

But, uh, my throat's not sore.

Nobody's talking about your throat.

You mean...

Take off your underpants, Mr. Baker.

You... you know what? All of a sudden...

I think I'm feeling a whole lot better...

Off.

Jesus.

Can't we talk about this, please?

Sit!

This is totally unnecessary, OK?

This is totally unnecessary!

I'm sure if you just gave me some aspirin or something...

I'm begging you! Wait, wait, wait...

wait, wait, wait, please.

Yes?

Can I at least know your name?

Layla.

Nice name.

Ow! Mommy!

Jesus Christ!

Hang in there, Adam!

So, where were you from again?

We'll call you with the results.

These pills should help with the pain.

They also turn your urine orange, so don't be alarmed.

Hey, just got your message. You gotta make this quick.

- I messed up, Dad. - Messed up how?

I screwed around.

Great! My kid got laid.

Was she hot?

That's not what I need to hear right now, Dad, OK?

You're not thinking about telling Eve, are you?

- I have to! - No, you don't.

Dad, I think I caught something.

What do you mean?

I'm pissin' razor blades, Dad. I got swabbed.

Swabbed? Oh. Ohh, man.

Listen, whatever you do, don't tell her.

Lie and deny, buddy. It's the name of the game.

They're ready for you, Your Honor.

Listen, I gotta go. Proud of you, son.

My robe?

Hi.

What's going on?

Come here.

- What? - Come here.

# All of my songs are for you #

Just... let me talk, OK?

- OK. - OK.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about us...

and I realize why I haven't been ready.

- You have? - Mm-hmm.

It's because I've been scared.

Not of sex, but of intimacy...

of feelings.

That's what's always scared me.

And I know that it's not right.

And it's OK to open yourself up to someone that you trust...

and care about and love.

What are you saying, Eve?

Heh. What do you think I'm saying?

I'm saying I'm ready.

I'm ready right now.

Wait.

Wait a second.

What?

I'm a little sick, that's all.

What's wrong?

I just came from the doctor's.

Well, what did he say?

Do you have the flu or something?

Heh. Yeah.

No. I mean... I don't know, Eve.

It's... it's complicated.

OK. Well, tell me.

Heh.

Something's wrong with my guy.

Uh, he's a little out of order right now.

What?

L... I know. It's really weird.

I don't know what it is.

Adam...

what's going on?

Nothing. I mean...

Did something happen?

What? No. What could've happened?

Did something happen with someone else?

Of course not, Eve!

You know what? Whatever.

I'm just getting a really weird vibe here...

and I feel like there's something you're not telling me.

Eve, it's just a penis cold or something, OK? It's no big deal.

Where are you going?

I just don't feel comfortable being here right now.

Oh, come on, Eve. Don't go.

Let's hang out for a little bit.

Look, Adam, are you sure...

there's nothing you're not telling me?

Yeah, I'm sure. Come on.

You swear?

Yes, I swear.

OK. Um, no, I'll call you later.

Shit.

What happened, Adam?

- Nothing. - No. Who was it?

Nobody.

Be a man and tell me who it was!

Patty.

You fucking asshole!

- I'm sorry, Eve. - Sorry?!

I trusted you!

And you just lied to my face like that?

Who are you?!

Who are you, you fucking asshole?!

- Eve... - Get away from the door!

Don't go.

Do you know how hard it was for me to get to this place...

and then you just shatter it like it's nothing?

It's not nothing, Eve.

Please don't go. I'm begging you.

Please.

I trusted you.

I trusted you...

and you totally fucked that up.

Hi, it's Eve. Leave a message and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

Hey, um... it's me.

Look, I just want to say I'm sorry, OK?

Please give me a chance to say I'm sorry.

I hope that you're OK.

Hello?

Hello. Is this Adam Baker?

Uh, yeah.

This is Layla from Dr. Bateman's office.

I'm calling to let you know your tests came back negative.

The pain you were experiencing...

was likely just a urinary tract infection...

which is very common among sexually active men your age.

- Women, too, actually. - Uh-huh.

Anyway, I hope the pills made the pain go away.

They helped.

In the future, try to urinate after ejaculation...

to get any excess semen out of the urethra. OK?

OK, I'll keep that in mind.

Take care of yourself. Bye-bye.

Thank you. Bye.

# Watched the sun come up this morning #

# Big, winky, shiny ball of fire... #

The horrors of econ.

What's up, Vaughn?

- Macro? - Yep.

I took it last year. It's hell.

Mmm.

- Is Adam around? - No.

Mind if I sit?

# Isn't it a shame? #

# I feel like I've been waitin' too long... #

Ahh!

Oh, shit.

Baker, you're up.

Hi, it's Eve.

Leave a message, and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

Ahem. Eve...

I just want to know...

know that you're OK.

God, I hope you're OK.

Yeah, this bar's OK.

I could probably get us into a lot better place.

I have a lot of connections at a couple of bars downtown...

you know, where the celebrities hang out.

I saw Dustin Diamond the other day from Saved by the Bell.

- Holy shit. - Hey, hey, hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Easy, easy, boys. Easy.

Sh...

Easy.

- Come on. - Chill, man.

Just shake it, all right?

What a lunatic.

He's lucky he didn't get his ass kicked.

Shut up.

# Let me have this one to borrow #

# It's all gonna go down anyway #

# Lord, let me have this one tomorrow #

Ha ha!

# I used up all of yesterday #

# Give me all the joys and sorrows #

I am frustrated! I'm frustrated as hell!

# Give me all that I can take #

Tell me who it was.

# Just let me have this one tomorrow #

Who are you?! Who are you, you...

# I used up all of yesterday... #

Baker, man, get up.

I wanna die.

Hey, hey, get out of here, man.

Jesus, man, you stink bad.

- Fuck you, man. - You can't do this anymore.

You smell like death!

- Here we go. - Get the...

Oh, God, I can see his balls.

Ohh!

Lunatic!

Get the hell off me, man!

- Ahh! - Shampoo, baby.

I'm gonna kill you guys!

It's for your own good.

- Ha ha ha. - Get off!

That's a good doggy, yeah.

It's for your own good.

It's through! I got it, man! Just leave me alone.

Don't let it get in your eyes.

That shit stings like a motherfucker.

Anyway, that's the last time I ever set foot in a yoga class.

Why would you go to a yoga class?

- Oh, my dads took me, so... - Oh, your dads?

# The freaks around the streets #

# Now, darling... #

"Marketing executive".

You sat around all day and watched soap operas...

and stuffed envelopes.

You can't just say that, douchebag.

You gotta make up fancy technical names for that.

You... you can't lie on your resume.

Of course you can. They expect you to bullshit.

Resumes are about whose bullshit looks best on paper. That's it.

Did you lie on your college application?

Hell, yeah. I said I was captain of the debate team.

I said I worked with retards.

Wait a minute. What if some guy who works really hard...

he deserves it more than you...

he doesn't get in because he was honest?

You didn't lie when you applied, Munch?

No, my conscience is clear.

How the hell did you get in here, then?

Yeah, Munch.

Are you sure you're even enrolled?

I'm enrolled. I got in here because I worked really hard...

and kept my nose to the grindstone, and I sucked off the dean.

What's grindstone?

# The world is blind, blind, blind, blind, blind... #

What's up, Miles?

Hey, fellas.

Miles, I didn't realize you were so big-time.

Yeah, you know.

How's it going?

Dude, it sucks. I hate my life.

I work 90 hours a week...

and it costs so much to live in New York...

I barely make rent.

Don't sell out, fellas. Take another road.

Follow your dreams. Seriously.

So, how's it going over here, Miles?

Oh, great. I was just telling them about our benefits package.

Sounds good.

Best in the business. We take care of our own.

Take care of this? Naked lady tie?

- Ha ha ha. - Ha ha ha ha.

Naked lady tie.

# Naked lady #

# Naked lady #

That was severely depressing, fellas.

How are you holdin' up?

Fine.

- Have you talked to her yet? - Nope.

Fuck her. You don't need her, man.

You got... you got us.

That's right. Come on. Group hug. Come on.

- Ohh. - Don't touch me.

It's, uh, beer pong time, gentlemen.

- More like Patty time. - Bite me.

Hey, Adam, can I talk to you for a second?

I got nothin' to say, Patty.

Please?

We'll wait if you want us to.

Nah, man. Just take off.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Come on, let's go.

"Bite me." That's kinda hot.

So, I hear you're taking this Eve thing pretty hard, huh?

And?

Just thought I ought to tell you something.

Tell me what, Patty?

We didn't.

Heh. We didn't what?

Fuck.

As drunk as you were, you wouldn't go there.

I was pissed, so I lied.

It doesn't matter.

How could it not?

I messed up.

How I messed up isn't important.

Uhh.

You're really in love with her, aren't you?

Heh.

Hi, it's Eve. Leave a message...

and I'll get back to you. Thanks.

Hey, Eve. It's, um, it's Adam.

Uh, you'll never guess where I am.

At a job fair.

Um... followed your advice.

Anyways, please just give me a call back, all right?

I love you. Bye.

I just wanted everything to be perfect.

No relationship is perfect, sweetheart.

You and Mom are.

Heh. Even we've got our problems.

- Like what? - It's not important.

Yes, it is to me, Dad. Please tell me.

It was, uh, right before we got married.

No.

It was a mistake.

It didn't mean anything. It took a while...

but eventually we got over it.

My God, that is horrible!

I can't believe you would do something like that.

It wasn't me.

Mom would never.

Look, the point I'm trying to make is that...

No! Mom would never!

Calm down, Eve, please.

Oh, my God!

Shh. Take it easy, baby.

No, I'm gonna kill her!

That's not the issue here.

- Yes, it is! - Shh! Listen.

I can't believe she did that to you.

Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

The point I'm trying to make is, every relationship has problems.

It's how you deal with those problems...

that's what makes it or breaks it.

I thought you said you were gonna break his legs.

I will if you want me to, baby.

But it seems like this kid really meant something to you.

A lot of guys would've slept with you first...

and then told you.

Or worse, not even told you at all.

So, you think I should just forgive him?

No.

I can't tell you that.

I'd say...

let it simmer in your head for a while.

Then decide and don't look back.

Oh, Dad.

I just feel so bad.

I mean, I can't eat, I can't sleep.

I miss him.

I want to kill him, but I miss him.

And I'm just so mad at myself.

It's OK to need someone, sweetheart.

It's OK.

Hey.

# I want to tell you how I feel #

# Heart and soul #

Whoo! Ha ha ha!

# I want to show you who I am #

# Even when I lose control #

# Paint a picture of me #

# Of everything you can't see #

# It's so hard to find a word #

# I want to rock you in my arms #

# Endlessly #

# Hold you in my heart #

# Keep you close to me... #

Please just go away!

Listen, I said...

Hi.

I have these two feelings inside me.

Part of me wants to hate you...

and never see you or talk to you again.

And the other part...

the stronger part...

wants you to take me in your arms...

and hold me and tell me you love me.

I do love you.

And I need you.

I need you, too.

# Oh, I love you more than I should #

# So much more than is good #

# For me #

# More than is good #

# I am falling #

# Say my name #

# And I'll lie #

# In the sound #

# What is love #

# But whatever #

# My heart needs around? #

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Wait.

What is it?

I'm not ready yet.

Heh. What?

Can't we just cuddle for a little bit?

Heh heh heh heh.

# Blue balls ain't no fun #

# And I know #

Hey, Baker.