All language subtitles for Taskmaster.NZ.S03E03.720p.WEB.H264-ROPATA

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (GRUNTS)

- Ooh-hoo-hoo.

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

- (EXCLAIMS)

- My name is Paul Williams.

- (GRUNTS)

- (GRUNTS)

(KEYS CLACK)

- Oh!

- (STRAINS)

- (GRUNTS)

(CLUNK!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DING!)

- Kia ora koutou, and welcome to
our third episode of Taskmaster.

My name is Jeremy Wells, and if you
ask about me at that little smoky
out-of-the-way Dannevirke pub,

they'll tell you what you need to
know about me, and that is that I
am the Taskmaster.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Five comedians have signed
the necessary release forms

to allow them to
put their bodies, their minds
and other parts of themselves

through a
series of character-defining
challenges that we call tasks

all in the hope of going home with
my golden skull in its trophy form.

- AUDIENCE: Ooh!

- That's right. Those dedicated few
from whom we will draw our delight
are, as always, Chris Parker,...

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Josh Thomson,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Justine Smith,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Kura Forrester...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Paul Ego.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And at my side is a
young whippersnapper hungry
to make a name for himself.

Don't let those puppy-dog
eyes fool you.

He will stop at nothing to get
to the top. It's Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Well, as always,
due to budget constraints,

we asked our contestants to bring
in their own prizes to play for.
- (LAUGHS)

- What have we got this week?

- This week's prize task is their
most prized childhood possession.

And the winner of tonight's episode
will take home everyone's most
prized childhood possessions,

like a primary school bully who is
merely acting out because of their
own issues at home.

(LAUGHTER)

- Let's start with Chris.
- All right.

As a child, I had glue ear ―
completely lost the ability
to speak.

And then there just
so happened to be this woman,

and she was doing a PhD in how
to teach kids with glue ear how
to speak again.

She taught me how to speak,
and she got to do her PhD, and I
guess passed ― or maybe shedidn't.

And then as a way to say thank you,
she gave me a little tin car.
And so here's the tincar.

- ALL: Aw.

- I know. It's sincere.
- JUSTINE: Oh, it's so dusty.

- It looks like it was made in
the '40s; it was made in the '90s.
- It's filthy.

- From my perspective, what's
happening here is we've gone
Christchurch upbringing, tick;

blonde hair, tick;
Hitler Youth outfit, tick;

1930s German car, tick.
(LAUGHTER)

- You could interpret
a very beautiful story about
my little Helen Keller journey

of being able to hear for the first
time and twist it in some sort of
Nazi nightmare.

It's a beautiful story.

- Kura, what did you bring in?

- Well, I searched high and low and
said, 'Mum, do I have any childhood
possessions?'

And I couldn't believe it.
She gave me a whole bag of all
of my old school reports.

They're really prized possessions,
because it turns out I've been a
legend for a long time.

(LAUGHTER)

I've got them here to read.

READS: 'Kura needs to put
more effort into her work.

'Her behaviour is inconsistent
and can be inappropriate at times.'

- Finally, someone said it.

- I like the fact that you went
to a school where the behaviour
standards are

'of a high standard',
'appropriate', 'inappropriate
at times' or 'of concern'.

- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- It's also amazing she didn't
tick 'inappropriate at times'
considering she literally...

(LAUGHTER)

...used those exact words.
(APPLAUSE)

- Are you gonna to say her work's
from the Hitler Youth or just my
childhood?

- Just yours.
- Oh man.
(LAUGHTER)

- Josh, what did you bring in?

- I grew up in the South Island
on a farm,

so, naturally, I spent a lot of time
running around paddocks dressed as a
ninja.

(LAUGHTER)

It's a classic ninja get up there.
Of course, ninjas need weapons, so
I made a little wooden ninja star.

It doesn't throw very well,
so then I made one out of nails.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

And that was awesome;
I'm not gonna lie.

And then you sort of top the whole
thing off with a sort of replica
submachine gun.

Yeah, so just a chilled-out
childhood there. Yeah, that's
how I would roll around.

- So, there was a reasonably large
ninja community inside Timaru?

- Oh, it's a pretty secret society,
mate. I can't really talk about it.
(LAUGHTER)

- Excellent. Justine.

- So for my childhood memory ―
I'm also from Christchurch,
but less kind of eurgh.

(LAUGHTER)
- I'm not a Nazi.

- OK. OK.
Just― Just calm down, Chris.
(LAUGHTER)

Just calm down.
- What have you started?
- Please calm down.

When I was younger, my grandad
played a banjolele as part of
a comedy duo.

This is his joke book, which is a
really precious thing to have, but
also... (CRINGES)

(LAUGHTER)

- Why do you say that?
- Well, you know, it was of a time,
Jeremy.

Grandad was a comedian in the '50s
and '60s. And, you know, things were
a little bit different.

(LAUGHTER)

And I also put a photo of
my beautiful grandad playing.
- KURA: Wow.

- Paul, what did you bring in?

- OK, well, the thing I treasure
the most, I brought with me.

So, this is my mum.
(LAUGHTER)

There she is there. Hi, Marge.

So, she's still around. She's 87.
I wanted to bring her in in person,
but her knees are quite bad,

and she literally would not have
been able to get over that step.

- JUSTINE: I know the feeling.
- And, yeah, she's my most treasured
thing, cos she's awesome.

- ALL: Aw.

(APPLAUSE)
- Thank you, guys.
- That's beautiful.

- It's not her. I just googled
a picture of an old lady, but...
(LAUGHTER)

No, it is her. It is her, yeah.

- OK, so whoever wins
the episode tonight...
- Yeah.

- ...takes home your mum.
You're willing to give her away?
- Oh, that'd be awesome.

That'd be― Like, if we could arrange
that, that'd be really great.
(LAUGHTER)

Cos, like, her retirement village
is really expensive.
(LAUGHTER)

- I would say just do keep that
away from Josh, cos he will kick
it in half.

- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- Can I just explain
for the audience?

In a previous episode, I kicked a
woman in half, and, you know, like,

jeez, you do it once, and, like,
you kept going on and on about it.
Like, let's move iton.

- Well, it's hard not to give you
five points for bringing your mum.
Five points for you, Paul, there.

- Thank you. Thank you very much.
- Well done.
(APPLAUSE)

- I love the story about the
banjolele. That's four points
for you, Justine.

- Thank you.

- Kura, I'll give you three. That's a
middling score for a middling report,
it turns out.

- Thank you.
(LAUGHTER)

- I'm only gonna give
you two points, Josh.

And then, unfortunately,
I'll have no more of this Nazi shit.
(LAUGHTER)

- It's a tin car from the '90s!

- Calm down.

- That means, incredibly, there
are only four points separating
first and last place.

- Fascinating. Fascinating.
Shall we have our first task, then?

- Sure thing, Jeremy Wells.

If you're a fan of household
chores or the TV show Taskmaster,
you'll love this next one.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Is that you, Paul?
- Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

- Always be ready. You know?

- JOSH: What a time to be alive.
- 5.08.

- What?
- That's the time... to be alive.

- Oh.

- You've set up a washing line?

- JUSTINE: This looks
a bit houseworky, doesn't it?

- This is an icon from my past.

My brother and I used to
hang upside down on these by our
legs and spin each other around

and hit our heads on
the concrete under the line.
- Did you fall off a lot?

- No, he fell off a lot, though.
He hasn't been the same since.
But it was funny.

- Ai-ai-ai.

Run a full marathon. Fastest wins.

Just kidding.

- READS:
'Hang the washing out to dry.'

- 'You have two minutes to hang
your washing following which Paul
will spin the washing line once.'

- 'Most remaining hung items wins.'
(GIGGLES)

- 'Your time starts now.'
Are there any pegs?

- Are there any pegs?

- Where's the pegs? Aargh! (EXCLAIMS)

What the hell's in there?

- LAUGHS: Oh God.

- Is this the washing?

- What the hell's this? Bananas?
- It's the washing.
- It's silly is what this is.

(APPLAUSE)

- It is a silly task.

What was inside of
the washing basket?
- There was a total of 462 things.

Gummy snakes, bananas, CDs, some
pens, cans of beans, a jacket, if
you can believe it.

- OK, let's not leave them to hang
out to dry any longer. Who are we
seeing first?

- Here's everybody but Chris.

- Do these all count
as individual items?
- Yes.

- OK.

- Terrible.

- Eurgh. Whose are these tiny bras?

- Sexy bra.

- Well, (SCOFFS) clearly not mine.

- # Gotta hang them titties.
Gotta hang them titties. #

- 90 seconds.
- Aargh!

- Not a lot of time, mate,
to do a successful load of washing.

- A xylophone?

- LAUGHS: Oh no!

(LAUGHTER)

Is that a banana in your pocket?
- Yes.
- Oh, OK. I thought so.

- (GRUNTS) Sad, sad 41-year-old man
trying to hang up a sour worm.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE) Hands off, please.
Hands away.

It's not sour; it's just gummy.
- Oh, I am under time pressure, Paul.

I haven't got time
to properly identify lollies.

- Well, the sour ones usually
have sugar on the outside.

- (SCOFFS) I know about the sour
ones, Paul. There's only one sour
worm here, and that's J Thomson.

- You happy with that?
- (CHUCKLES) I hate that question.
Eurgh! Um... Yup.

- Preparing for the spin.

- Just go soft. Just go soft;
don't be a 'D' about it.

- Oh, that's too hard, isn't it?

- Oh!

- Go! Stayin'. Only one snake out.

- Ooh! This man knows how
to hang up bananas, my friend.

- Are bananas counted individually?
- It'll be up to the Taskmaster.
- They should be.

- It's five bananas, yo.

- But they're all connected.
- Yeah, but aren't we all?
Aren't we all in this crazy world?

(APPLAUSE)
- KURA: What the heck?

- What was going on with that spin?

- I was pretty consistent with the
spin, but the― the― the things
hanging, like, they really...

swung a lot.
(LAUGHTER)

- Whose were the bras?

- I'm not sure who the bras w―
I just found a lot of stuff
around the house.

- You can be honest, Paul.
Whose bras were they?
- Yeah, Paul, ya slut.

(LAUGHTER)

- You can say they're your bras.
- Honestly, answer.
Whose bras were they?

- I can't.
I don't know whose they were.
- Tell us.

- I don't know.
- We can tell when you're lying.
(LAUGHTER)

Stop hiding your erection
with the iPad.
(LAUGHTER)

- From where I'm sitting,
he could've done it with an iPhone.
(LAUGHTER)

- So, Justine ― 11.

Kura ― 11.

Josh ― 17.

Paul ― 28.

- KURA: Wow! Nice.
(APPLAUSE)

- You're amazed.

- I am amazed, because
I'd forgotten that I'd actually
stuffed a whole lot of extra stuff

into the pockets of the jacket.
- Yes. Yeah, the pockets were huge.

- I thought I'd just put the bananas
in, but, no, I'm amazing.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, we've got one more
contestant, though, don't we?

- Yes. Chris Parker is his name.
To hang things is his aim.

He has other, like, larger life
goals as well, but I couldn't fit
them in the poem.

It's Chris Parker.

- I've got two minutes.
- One minute and 40 seconds.
- Oh my gosh.

- Oh!

- WHISPERS: Chris.
- 30 seconds.

- (GRUNTS) Tie that.

(APPLAUSE)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

You ready for the spin?
- Yeah. Hell yeah.

Spin. Spin. Spin.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That is one thing you can
say about the Nazis ― their
technology was good.

(LAUGHTER)

- This whole episode's gonna be cut.
(LAUGHTER)

I'll just be blurred out.

- Centrifugal force, obviously.
You understand that as well.

You've gone with the basket
on the inside. That was smart.

- Didn't think of that.
(LAUGHTER)

But, sure, yeah. I mean, I played
the centrifugal at high school.
(LAUGHTER)

- Is that where you call it?
- (LAUGHS)

- So, what were the scores
in the end, Paul?

- Well, Kura and Justine
both got 11.

- They can get two points each.
- Yes!

- Two points each for
Justine and Kura.
- Yeah.

- Three points for Josh, four points
for Paul, and five points for Chris.
- Yeah.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That's fair.
- Working my way back up.

- We're gonna take a break so the
oldies in the room can talk about
the good old days,

when clotheslines were things
that spun around in the back yard,

not small foldable horses
that occupy half of your spare
bedroom and mould up the walls.

See you in a moment.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to our lucky third
episode of our equally lucky third
season of Taskmaster.

What lucky task have
you got next for us, Paul?

- I personally think we should
flag this one because it blows
in the wind.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Oh!

I know what these are.

- Hula hoops.
- Hula hoops, exactly.

- Ooh, that's very Olympics
or something.

- Commonwealth Games.

- Oh, it's not sport, is it?

- All the information
you need is in the task.
- I think I'm gonna have to warm up.

- Got some cards there.
- Yep.

- READS: 'Pick a card
from Paul's dick...

'and build a big flag of the
country written on your card.'

- 'Best big flag wins.'

- 'You have 30 minutes.
Your time starts now!'

- Did you say 'deck'?
- Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

- I have not been this excited about
flags since the John Key referendum
with the laser kiwi inthe eyes.

Do you remember that?
- I do.

- Man, that was good.
- That was a good one.

- We're looking for
the best big flag here, aren't we?
- Yes, yes. So, big and good.

- (LAUGHS)
- That's what 'best' means.
- Yeah.

Flying the flag for New Zealand,
it's Josh Thomson.

- UAE.

Is that correct flag for the United
Arab Emirates? I don't know if I've
lost my mind.

It looks like the stars and stripes,
but is...? Can I have a look at the
other cards?

It doesn't say that I can't.
- OK.
- I could overpower you. OK.

Uruguay. So they're―
Oh, it's a trick!

- (GASPS)

- OK. 'Of the country written on
your card.' Can you Google UAE flag?

(LAUGHTER)

Mm, Paul, can you please
grab all the red books?

- I've read all of these.
- Yeah, no, no... OK.

Ow!

Thanks, Paul. Great.

Oh, actually, we don't need those.
- Why?

- I just thought it'd
be a mean thing to say.
- Oh.

- Just kidding. That's―
You've done great work.
- OK.

- Jesus Christ. Sorry. Sorry.

There's a lot going on.
There's a lot going on.

Come on! Come on!

Come on! Yes!

(PUFFS) Worth it.

These cucumbers will help.

Yep, yep. Shit yeah.
I'm feeling these cucumbers.

These might be Lebanese cucumbers
too.

Oh, if I say they're part of the
UAE, that's racist, prob― I don't
even...

Oh, my geography's very poor.

WHISPERS: I mean,
that's pretty bloody good, mate.

Up there,
it's gonna look bloody good.

I wouldn't be surprised if some
citizens of the UAE just came in
and just, 'Oh, better roll that up.'

And I'd be like, 'Oh, sorry,
that's a bunch of stuff.
It's not a real flag.'

Here it is ―

the United Arab Emirateses flag.

UAE! UAE!

UAE!

Whoops! What the hell's that? It's
the goddam Burj Khalifa on the flag.

- The mailbox?
- It's the Burj― It's the
world's tallest building.

- Do you think the people
of United Arab Erimate...?
- What's that?

- Do you think the people of
the United Arab Erimate...?
- What's that, mate?

- Do you think the people of
the United Arab Er― Emirates...
are gonna like your flag?

- I think so.

It's the Burj Khalifa.

- JUSTINE: Oh no. Oh no.

- Yeah.

I think nothing quite says Dubai
like a folded wheelchair, an upright
letterbox and half a dozen'cumbers.

(LAUGHTER)
- That's right, yeah.

And there's no reason why I can't
use a wheelchair to make a flag.

It's very ableist of you
to say that I shouldn't use one,

um, sitting up there in your mighty
red throne with no wheels, you piece
of shit.

(LAUGHTER)

But you're a great guy. You're a
great guy. You're a wonderful man.
Wonderful man.

- I don't know what's
more disrespectful ―

what you guys did to the flag or the
fact that you can't say 'United Arab
Emirates'.

(LAUGHTER)
- I can say it now.

- Say it now.
- Say it.

- United Arab Emirates.
- KURA: Nice.
(APPLAUSE)

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Did I notice a sneaky little
trick in there somewhere, Paul?

- Uh, well, there was a mix-up at
the printing place, and, um, yeah,
so, basically,

the flag pictured on Josh's card
was USA, but the word written on
his card was UAE.

- I'm getting angry.
- And the task very clearly did say

to make the flag that
was written on the card.
- Oh, fuck.

(LAUGHTER)

- The air in the―
- It's actually really mean.
It's mean.

- (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)

(HUFFS LOUDLY)
- We're all gonna look like fools.

- The air in the studio has
suddenly gone quite stale.
(LAUGHTER)

Perhaps it's best we rip the Band-Aid
off, Paul, and see who's next.

- These guys really know their
flags. It's Chris, Paul, Justine
and Kura.

- Brazil.

- 'Mehico'.

- Uruguay.

- I got Jamaica. Jamaican me crazy,
you know what I mean, Paul?

- I don't understand.
- EXHALES: OK.

- Honestly, we have lucked out.

- I don't know why I went in there.
There's really nothing in there.

OK.

I'm gonna go in there again just
to see if there's anything else.

- I want it to be massive.
Let's do Brazil proud.

- And I just don't know if this is
gonna be very big is the only thing.

- Have you ever been to Uruguay?
- No, never.
I'm not even sure where it is.

- It's right next to Argentina.

- Oh, yeah, I thought so, cos I was
gonna say this is quite a similar
flag to Argentina.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, Christ.

- I hope I'm making them proud
at least.

- Do you have a favourite flag?
- Do you wanna guess?
It's got... many colours.

- Pride flag.
- No.

- South Africa.
- Why would you think Pride?
- Cos it's got many colours.

Australia.
- Oh, cos I'm gay?
- No.

- You jerk.

- Do you think that's
a good Jamaican flag?

- Yeah, I think it will be
recognisable to anyone who
knew their flags.

(LAUGHTER)

- And you'll see the Mexican flag
flying up there.

You'll go,
'Ooh, time for some lasagne.'

- Isn't that Italian?

- Oh, it is now, but...
didn't use to be.

- Do you think the people of
Uruguay will be happy with this?

- Yeah!

I reckon they'll be,
like, 'Cheer, bo.'

Do you think they say
'cheer, bo' in Uruguay?
- Uh-huh.

Have you made many flags before?
- Yup. A certain rainbow flag.

- Australia?
- The Pride flag, Paul.
- Oh.

- If there's any Mexican people in
the surrounding area, they're gonna
get quite emotional.

- If any Jamaican people watch this,
what do you hope they feel when they
see it?

- I hope they feel a surge of
national pride in their beautiful
flag and their wonderful country.

- 38 seconds.
- 38 seconds. OK.
Couple more bits of red.

Last two red things I've got ―
couple of Crocs.

- Done.

- Mexican flag.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

- It's meant to rain later.

- My name's Justine Smith, and I've―
I've just made― I'm not drunk.

I've just made a flag of Jamaica.
Look.

- Hi. I'm Kura,
and this is my flag of Uruguay.

Ura-great-guy.

- Hi. I'm Paul Ego, and this is
my flag from the country of 'Mehico'.

- Meu nome e Chris Parker,
e essa e a bandeira do Brasil.

Sorry. I tried.

(APPLAUSE)

- I think the cruellest thing is
making everybody say their name
with their flag.

That was not very nice.
- Yeah.

- I think I insisted on mine,
(LAUGHTER)

- I'm just ashamed.
- I realised when I got home
that night after that task.

- How did you realise?
- Oh, did you?

- Well, I've got an atlas in my
bathroom with all the world flags,

and I was brushing my teeth,
and I'm like... 'Fuck! Fuck.'
(LAUGHTER)

- I just love the amount
of confidence that you guys
were going into that with.

That was the remarkable thing.
- Do you know ― it wasn't
confidence; it was trust.

And you guys―
- That's true.
- Yeah, yeah, true.

- You guys just shat all over that.
- Yeah.

- I've used that printing guy
before, and he makes a lot of
mistakes.

(LAUGHTER)

- I don't wanna score that absolute
abomination, but I suppose we have
to.

- So, in terms of flag size,
Josh's was also the biggest.
- Mm-hm.

- Wow.
- Yes, his was over 3.4m long.

- Here we go. Oh, there's Josh's.

So that's what it's meant to be on
the top there, and that's what it
is underneath.

- So, Josh's is pretty much spot on.
- Mine's so close, though, eh.

- Mine's pretty close.
Mine's just got one missing thing.

- CHRIS: Mine's really wrong.
- Yes.
(LAUGHTER)

- There's no excuses for mine.
I really fucked it up.

- Chris made
the Solomon Islands flag.

Justine made the Tanzanian flag.
- Yep.

- Kura, Argentina.

And, Paul, of course, Italy.

- God, part of me knew it was Italy.
(LAUGHTER)

I actually made a joke about
lasagne while I was doing it.
(LAUGHTER)

- I think in the end, Josh,
if we score it, he's gotta
get five points, right?

That's only fair.
- OK.
(APPLAUSE)

- Well done, mate.

- Ordinarily, I would say
that everybody else gets zero

because you didn't achieve―
complete the task properly.

However, there's some quite
impressive craft that's gone
on to this.

- Yes.
- And so I think everybody
else should get two points.

- Yes! Thank you.
- We'll take it.

- Thank you, Taskmaster.
- Thank you.

- Where does that leave the standings
for this episode, Paul?

- Currently out in first place
with 11 points ― Paul Ego.
- Whoo! Go, Paul.

- It's time for a quick commercial
break in which you can put your feet
up and relax,

unless you're the geography teachers
of Paul, Chris, Justine or Kura,

who will instead now be taking
a good, hard look in the mirror.

We'll see you after the break.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we've hung out the washing and
travelled wildly around theglobe,

all in the hope of trying to find
Paul Ego's 2D mother a new home.

What are we doing next,
Paul Williams?

- Boo.

- SOFTLY: Oh (!)
(LAUGHTER)

- Sorry for giving you a fright.
Here's a task to calm your nerves.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

- Hi, Paul.

- Greetings, P Willy.

- It's bright, and it's hot,
and I'm not just talking
about your lovely face.

- Just in here, is it?
- Yes, please.
- OK.

I'm not gonna get punched by
anything coming out of there, am I?
- No.

- OK.

- Aargh!

- Aargh!

- Oh!

- (LAUGHS)

- Oh my God. It actually scared me.
- Sorry.
- Oh!

(LAUGHTER)

- F― Oh!

- Foh?

- I have never opened a mailbox
properly, and finally it has paid
off.

- Scared to look.

READS: 'Do something that
will frighten the Taskmaster.'

- 'Best fright wins.'

- 'You have 30 minutes.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

Jeremy.
- Yes, please.

- 30 minutes to fright
the Taskmaster.

Fuck you!

That's just in there in case
the other one's not better.
Sorry I had to swear at you.

I mean, you probably shouldn't...

It might ruin the fright
if you're, like, part of it.

- How come?
- Oh, you'll kinda know
what's happening.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Oh, frighten the Taskmasker―
master― mask! (STAMMERS)
- What? The Taskmaster.

'Do something to frighten
the Taskmaster.' You're not
the Taskmaster, you silly billy.

- I never said I was.
- Oh, why did I frighten you?

- I'm not sure.
It gave me a real fright.

(APPLAUSE)
- JUSTINE: Oh no. I've done
it again. I've done it again.

- I don't wanna seem
overly brave, cos I'm not a
particularly brave person,

but judging by how you
guys have been going so far
in this particular episode,

I have no concern here.
(LAUGHTER)

At all.

- No, you could've worn your
white pants today. You'll be fine.

- I mean, you guys
were freaked out by those rubber
snakes that were inside of the―

- Yeah, but one of them wasn't
rubber. Do you remember?
- Yes.

- There was one actual snake
in there. It was a full-size
kingsnake in there.

- Kingsnake?
- Yeah, yeah.
It killed three of the crew.

(LAUGHTER)

Did that not happen on your...?
Must've hushed it up.

- We did try and get those prank
snakes that jump out at you;

we couldn't find any, so we
were really disappointed to
get the plastic ones,

cos we were like,
no one will get scared by these.
(LAUGHTER)

And it turns out everyone
will get scared by those.

- You're just constantly on edge,
though.

It's like, normally,
a letterbox full of rubber
snakes wouldn't worry me;

on Taskmaster, it absolutely
scared the shit out of me.

- Especially with you floating
around like a little quiet, creepy
ventriloquist puppet. It's...

- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- It's haunting.
You put us all on edge.

- Whose fearful torment do
I have to put up with first, Paul?
- First up, it's Josh Thomson.

- Ho do I frighten him? (SIGHS)

I could call him
as the Department of Police
or whatever they're called.

- The police.
- That's the one.

(LINE RINGS)
I didn't factor this in.

- VOICEMAIL: This is
Jeremy Wells. Sorry I can't
come to the phone right now,

but please leave your name
and number after the beep.

- Hi, Jeremy.
It's Brian from the IRD.

Um... We've just got a lot
of problems with your tax
fi...nancials.

GRUFF VOICE: I'm gonna come and
touch your bum. I'll come touch
your bum.

(BLUBBERS) In your bum.
In your bum. (MUMBLES)

Oh, I panicked there.

- You were doing the tax thing, and
then you kinda went to touching his
bum.

- Yes, double-pronged. One, tax,
then he's like, uh-oh, and then,
like, in there.

- OK.

- He could follow it up.
He wouldn't be expecting that.

- VOICEMAIL: Please leave your
name and number after the beep.

- HIGH-PITCHED: Ooh, you're at
your window now looking out.
You know I'm in the bush.

Yeah, I'm walking around going
sniff, sniff, sniff. I'm comin'
for ya, Daddy.

I'm comin' for ya, Daddy.

I'm comin' for ya, Daddy,
and I'm gonna come reeeeeeeaaal...

nice in the dark.

OK, but he wouldn't be
expecting a third.

HIGH-PITCHED, WEAK VOICE:
Yeah, gidday, mate. Uh, we've
just gone over your contract,

and we're thinking about
terminating it, so you won't
be able to have a job any more.

This will affect you
financially for a while.

IMITATES MATT HEATH: Yeah, mate, me
and the guys at the ACC have been
talking. We just don't think―

Your contributions are not really
very good, so any self-confidence
you might have should beless.

(SIGHS)
(LINE RINGS)

I should've just run him over
or something.

Hi, Jeremy. It's Jo―
- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

He probably will get a fright when
he sees he's missed lots of calls.

- That's right ― from
the same number. Oh, then he'll
know they're the same person.

People share phones, though.

- So you're saying the IRD guy,
Jeremy's boss, one of his cricket
commentary colleagues,

some guy in a bush,
they're all sharing a phone.

- Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

- So, I need to read this, cos I
need to get the quote exactly right.

'I'm coming for your daddy.
I'm coming for you, Daddy.
And I'm gonna come real nice...

'in the dark.'
(LAUGHTER)

- Feels nice, eh?
(LAUGHTER)

- See, my mind has got a lot
of different sort of Joshes
just sorta running around,...

- No, I can see that.
- ...trying to figure out
what to do.

- And I quote again,
'I'm coming for you, Daddy.

'I'm coming for you, Daddy, and I'm
gonna come real nice in the dark.'

- I mean, it could mean
a number of things.

And if you're listening to it
now and you're disturbed, then
it's having the correct effect.

So you're welcome.

- Well, the wound of fear is already
open. Who's sliding a blade into it
next, Paul?

- Our next contestant here is red,
one of the scariest colours,

and her eyes are black ― just the
middle bit, which is quite common,
but still.

It's the very scary Justine Smith.

- Paul, I'm gonna have
to ask you to leave.

- You want me to leave?
- Well, I suppose so.

- What's the issue?
- If you see me setting stuff up,
then it just gonna be stupid.

- Me?
- Yeah.

- Jussie!

- I think I'm gonna go
and look in the shed.

- Should I come?
- Uh, yeah, you can come.
- OK.

- It's lovely out here, isn't it?
- Yeah.

- Like, a nice place, you know, if
you were going to pick somewhere to
die. It'd be quite niceout here.

- Are you gonna kill me
in this forest?

Justine?
- Come on, Paul.

Turn around.

- You've got 20 minutes
and 14 seconds.
- As have you.

- Gonna wax my eyebrows?
- Hope so.

If you'd like to turn around
and walk up the hill, please.

Well, I'm gonna stop you now.
- OK.

- And take off your blindfold.
(CHUCKLES)

OK.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

Baaaaaaaaahhhh!

Are you frightened?

- Yeah.
- OK.

Thank you.
I'm gonna have a cup of tea, Paul.

- Do you think anyone's
gonna beat that?
- Nope.

- Oh, Jussie!
(APPLAUSE)

- You've seen what's happened there,
haven't you?

- Yeah, I have totally seen
what's happened there, Jeremy.

It's just that I didn't think you
deserved to be frightened, and I
thought that I'd just use,

you know, your sidekick―
I fucked that up so badly.
(LAUGHTER)

I frightened Paul instead of you.
- I was incredibly frightened,
and on multiple levels,

cos I was scared of, obviously,
dying, but also she taped up my
eyebrows.

I was scared of losing those.

- There's no doubt that what Justine
did to you was absolutely terrifying.
It was just the wrongperson.

- Correct.
- I feel sorry for myself in a lot
of ways, cos I am the Taskmaster,

and I feel sorry for the
show. I really feel for the
TVNZ marketing department,

who have spent tens of thousands
of dollars promoting the show to
the outside world

that I am the Taskmaster
and this is the Taskmaster,

and you haven't understood that
as a contestant on the show.
(LAUGHTER)

I gotta be honest ―
you have scared me.
- OK.

- Oh, that's good. There you go.
- OK.

- But not on purpose,
but you have scared me.
- OK.

- Nothing quite feels
like a better way to segue into some
ads than attempted murder, doesit?

We'll see you after the break.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where up for grabs is
a banjolele that once belonged
to Justine Smith's grandfather.

At least, she thinks he was her
grandfather. Accurately identifying
people is not her strongpoint.

(LAUGHTER)

Paul, refresh us on where we are.
- Our contestants are attempting
to give you the biggest fright.

Josh left you some voice messages,
and Justine tried to kill me with
a medieval sword.

- Who's next, Paul?
- I actually have a question.

If it was night-time and you
were alone, coulda forest, er,
make you feel quite scared?

(LAUGHTER)

- (KURA CACKLES)

Heh-heh-heh!

I'm crazy.

(RASPS)

(GURGLES)

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Scared?
- PAUL EGO: Pretty scary.

- OK, cool. So, who's up next?
(LAUGHTER)

- Aren't you―? Are you freaked?
- It was quite scary.
- Yes!

- That was a Berocca in the mouth,
wasn't it?

- Yeah, it was really―
That's why it was hard to speak.

I don't know if you've ever just
chucked a Berocca in, but, boy,
it's hard to talk,

especially when there's a strobe
and you've got two eyes.

- Do you not usually have two eyes?
(LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHS) Shut up, Paul.
(LAUGHTER)

- Who's up next?
- It's Chris Parker.

- Do we tell him I've died?

Do we get someone from production
to call him and say Chris has had
an accident?

Um, we need someone to call Jeremy
and say Chris has fallen from the
roof.

- Doing a task?
- Doing a task.

- What was the task?

- It was, um, get the closest to
the sun. You've got 20 minutes.
Your time starts now.

And Chris got on the roof of the
Taskmaster house, and he fell off.

He's in hospital. We had to
get him choppered outta here.

- Is he gonna be OK?
- See, this is working. Yeah.

It's not looking good. He's got
two impalements. He's concussed.
He broke his ankle.

He's got, like, a weird STI, but I
don't think that was from the fall.

I think he just had that― That just
came up in the doctor's... report.

And then maybe you could get
on the phone and be like, 'Bro,
this is crazy. I saw it happen.

'And did you hear ― he's also got
crabs. They're starting to say it
was from the accident,

'but I don't― I don't believe them.'
What do you think?

- It sounds pretty scary.
- I think I've pushed it a little
bit into a comedy territory.

(CLATTERING, VEHICLE APPROACHES)
- Um...
- What the hell is that noise?

- There's someone coming in.
Should we stop?

- Is this the owner of
the house or something?
- I don't know.

- Ew. What is this?

- Stop. Stop, please.

- Parker!
- Oh my God. What the (BLEEP)?
What the (BLEEP)?

My God. Paul! Paul! Oh my God!
What the (BLEEP)'s going on?

- Get out of it!
- What the (BLEEP)?
What the (BLEEP)? Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Paul!

- Chris.
- Paul!

- I...

Yeah, nah, he's gone. It's...

Yeah, someone just took him.

No, it's not part of it.

Stop filming.

Stop filming, please.

(APPLAUSE)

- Those guys seriously fucked me up.

- So, you were abducted.
- Yeah.

- And I assume TVNZ paid the ransom.
- They did, yeah. 20 bucks?
(LAUGHTER)

I think most people would be like,
'Oh, man, that's scary.' Like, it
could happen to anyone.(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Right. Well, we've got one more
scaremonger amongst us, haven't we,
Paul?

- Yes. It's New Zealand's
tallest man, Paul Ego.

(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC)

- BREATHY VOICE: 'Hi.

'I'm Mikey Havoc

'of Mikey Havoc fame.

'And I'm here to talk
to the Taskmaster.

'We used to work together,
doing Havoc and Newsboy.

'Those were good days.

'Sexy days.

'Often I would undress

'in front of him

'and sit provocatively

'on a chair,

'like this one.'

It's a lot wider that I thought.

'And I would remove my clothing,

'and he would say, "No, Mr Havoc.
I cannot fight your sexiness."

'And I said,
"I am the Taskmaster today.

'"You do what I say."

# 'Happy birthday

# 'to you.

# 'Happy birthday

# 'to you.

# 'Happy birthday,

# 'Taskmaster.

# 'Happy birthday

# 'to you.' #

And just cut it there probably.

(APPLAUSE)

- How did you know
Mikey did that to me?
(LAUGHTER)

- I just had a sense, you know, and
I didn't feel comfortable replaying
it,

but I knew that it would bring back
even harder memories for you.

- The past for many of us is a dark,
dark place, and for me, there is no
exception there.

- Mm.
- Horrific.
(LAUGHTER)

- I really regret doing that,
and, um...
(LAUGHTER)

- What about when you taped two
bottles of sauce to your tits?
(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, that was a hoot
compared to that one.
(LAUGHTER)

- Right. Now I need to decide
who frightened me the most.

Paul, I'm gonna give you
five points here,...
- Thank you.

- ...cos that brought back something
from my past which was quite scary.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Justine, I'll give you four points,
because you scared me not knowing
what was going on there.

(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah!

- Kura, great use of a Berocca.
Three points for you.
- Thank you.

- Two points for you, Chris.
(APPLAUSE)

And one point for Josh, cos I'm
never gonna pick up those messages.
- (GROANS)

Just― Just― Just close your eyes.
Just close your eyes.

GRUFF VOICE: I'm coming for you,
Daddy.
(LAUGHTER)

I'm gonna come real good...

in the night.
(LAUGHTER)

- Do you need to borrow Paul's iPad?
(LAUGHTER)

- It's time for an advertisement and
a brief moment to call my mummy and
assure her that...

no, my friends at work aren't being
mean to me. We'll see you after this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's nearly time for our final
task, but first,

let's slide up into the mechanical
gears of this Wonka factory and
retrieve the scores, please,Paul.

- With a whopping 16 points,
the leader is Paul Ego.

- KURA: Yay! Nice.
- CHRIS: Wow.

- Right. We're heading for a
grandstand finish. Let's head up to
the stairs for the final livetask.

Jeez, you look good standing
behind that array of things.
What's happening now?

- We're about to do a live task.
Chris, could you please do the
honours?

- READS: Choose your item.

- We're gonna start with Kura and
move along one at a time to Paul.

- I would like this handbag, please.
- JUSTINE: Ladylike.

- Chris Parker.

(LAUGHTER)

- I'd like this pumpkin, please.

(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah!

- Josh Thomson.

- Should I do the walk
you were doing backstage, Chris?
- KURA: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

- Shit.
(LAUGHTER)

- Justine Smith.

(LAUGHTER)

Frisbee.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

- I'ma light a fire.
(LAUGHTER)

- JUSTINE: Oh no.

- READS: Sweep your item towards
the drop. You have one sweep.

If your item drops,
you will be eliminated.

The item swept closest to
the edge without dropping wins.

- Yeah, no, this is
all right, actually.
- Oh no!

- We're gonna sweep
from behind the red line.

- Cross the line as you...?
- No.
- OK.

- (JOSH LAUGHS HEARTILY)
(LAUGHTER)

- Yeah, no, that's... that's fucked.

- We're gonna go one at a time.
- I'll do it with this one.

- And we're gonna
start with Paul Ego.

- KURA: Go, Paul!
- CHRIS: Go, Paul!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Justine.

(LAUGHTER)
- Son of a bitch.

- PAUL EGO: Unlucky, Jus.
Sorry, mate.

You can do it, mate.
- KURA: Go, Joshie!

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

(APPLAUSE)
- JUSTINE: And a good sound.

- It's incredibly close
between those two.

- Weirdly, this isn't
the first time I've done this.
(LAUGHTER)

- KURA: Sweep that pumpkin.
- Pump it.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

Go, Ku.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Got some points, though.
- Well, that was absolutely
sensational. Come on down.

Welcome back.

Well, Paul, who swept
the field away and won that one?

- So, Kura finished
third with 138.2cm.

And in first place by 8mm ―

only 51.8cm away from
the edge of the stage, Paul Ego.

- Wow. Well done.
- Wow.
(APPLAUSE)

- Where does that leave
the overall standings?

- Still out in first place
with 54 points is Josh Thomson.
- Wow.

- But, Paul Williams,

tonight's winner is who?

- A dominant performance
with 21 points ― Paul Ego.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Paul Ego, it brings me great shame
in saying this, but get up there and
get stuck into your ownmother.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh my God.
- I told her to watch this episode.
(LAUGHTER)

- Up you go.
- But I totally will.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Oh, it's been a good night.

We've been reminded that there was a
time when rotary clotheslines reigned
supreme,

and we've seen that there's nothing
more terrifying than a woman trying
to kill someone

when she doesn't know
who that someone is.
(LAUGHTER)

Most importantly, we've seen that
the winner of this third episode
of Taskmaster is Paul Ego!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

We'll see you next week. Pomarie.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- (KURA EXCLAIMS)
- JOSH: Oh no!

Oh no!

Oh, watch out, Paul!

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2022

- Are you ready?
- We're ready.
- Yeah.

- Go.

- (EXCLAIMS)

- ALL: This is fun!

- (LAUGHS) Bullshit, mate.

- It was easily the most
uncomfortable experience
I've ever had in my life.

- Taskmaster? More like Assmaster.

All right.