All language subtitles for Taskmaster.NZ.S03E01.F.Golf.enh

(WHEEL CLICKS)

(GRUNTS)

Ooh-hoo-hoo.

(KEYS CLACK)

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

My name is Paul Williams.

(GRUNTS)

(KEYS CLACK)

Oh!

(STRAINS)

(GRUNTS)

(CLUNK!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DING!)

Kia ora koutou, and holy
macaroli. Here we go again.

It's season three of the
television show Taskmaster.

I'm Jeremy Wells, and I am sitting on a throne
that for nine and a half months of the year

sits idly by under a pile of to-be-folded
washing in my sunroom. (LAUGHTER)

But tonight I'm on it with purpose in front of
you all as the Taskmaster. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Over the next 10 weeks, five beautiful
comedians will degrade themselves

more than Will Smith at an Oscars ceremony, all
in the hope of taking home their own golden statue

of my most successful and
recognisable anatomical part ―

my head.

There it is there. Absolutely
terrifying when it's sitting beside you.

Competing for my golden noggin this time
around is Chris Parker,... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Josh Thomson,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Justine Smith,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Kura Forrester...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

and Paul Ego.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And sitting next to me is a man whose piercing
blue eyes and dogged attention to detail

makes him an absolute star in
the popular car ride game I Spy,

although I have never been in a
car with him to experience it myself.

It's Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Great to be here, Jeremy.

- What's going on with that jacket?
- This is my new look for season three.

(LAUGHTER)

Take that off. (LAUGHTER)

I... OK.

(LAUGHTER)

Oh, I can relax. I found
him too sexual in it.

Actually, no, can you put
it back on? (LAUGHTER)

That's better. There's half a century of tasks in
front of us. Paul, how are we gonna kickthem off?

As always, we'll
begin with a prize task.

Each contestant has been
tasked with bringing something in.

The best prize wins, and the person who wins
the episode will take home all five prizes.

This week, they've been asked to bring
in the best thing that weighs exactly 10kg.

A very weighty subject matter
indeed. Let's start with Chris.

I was thinking about the best
thing that could weigh 10kg.

And there's nothing
better, in my opinion,

than 10kg of reduced carbon emissions
for the Taskmaster season three set.

(LAUGHTER)

So I'm gonna plant this tree.

And then I've calculated that that
tree will reduce about 0.8g of carbon,

and that'll take 12,500 days,

or roughly 34 and a half years to get exactly
10kg, and then I'm chopping that bastard down.

(LAUGHTER) No more
reduced carbon for us.

- Do you know what sort of tree it is?
- I-I think a fig tree.

- It's a fig tree?
- I'm not certain.

It was the cheapest
tree. (LAUGHTER)

I like what you're thinking
of doing for the environment.

Also, I do believe, though, in
terms of New Zealand's biodiversity,

that the fig tree creates
figs, which rats love.

We've got a lovely fig tree in my
garden, and also the native birds adore it.

And they fight with the
rats, and the rats kill them.

- That's right. (LAUGHTER)
- It is actually a bit of an issue.

Josh, what did you bring him?

Jeremy, I can tell just by looking at you that
you're the sort of guy who has an adventurous mouth.

(LAUGHTER)

And I've just got the
thing to pop in there.

I've got 10kg of Daddy's
special marmalade. (LAUGHTER)

Oh!

10kg to the gram. Now, this isn't some generic
store-bought filth that you get from bigjam.

This is a Thomson family marmalade
made from the citrus trees in our backyard.

- Wow.
- First of all, I like to add a lot of Drambuie.

It really rounds out that flavour. You get
a beautiful whisky flavour all throughout.

And it also helps to legitimise
daytime drinking. (LAUGHTER)

Justine, what did you bring in?

Hi, Taskmaster. I brought in something
that we've all been missing a lot ―

I know I have, not
being able to travel.

I brought in my suitcase with exactly,
fingers crossed, 10kg worth of travel gear.

It's got reef shoes. It's got clothes. It's
got books. It's got everything you might need.

And it's 10kg, because
the rest of the...

How much are you allowed? 25?

So the other 15kg are for shopping and for some
more Disney ears, perhaps. Whatever you will.

But I know I'm ready to get
the hell out of New Zealand.

So, where are you going
to with this suitcase?

I'll probably going
straight to Anaheim.

So that's what you
want reef shoes for?

Well... (LAUGHTER)

Jeremy, those hotel pools can get
pretty brutal with all those children.

And if you're gonna elbow those little kids out
of the way, you need a good grip on your feet.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- Kura.
- Hello, Taskmaster.

- How are you?
- Really well, thanks. How are you?

- What did you bring in?
- Good. Uh, yes, good. (LAUGHTER)

(CACKLES)

I don't know about you,
but I'm a busy gal, right?

So when I got this task, I went to a popular
search engine and wrote 'what weighs exactly 10kg?'

And what popped up was one of my
favourite things ― 10 bottles of wine.

Oh, yeah.

10 bottles of rose.
What could be better?

How much does a bottle
of rose weigh exactly, Paul?

So, I weighed these exact bottles,
and they're about 1.2kg each.

So that's― that's
12kg, uh total.

What? (LAUGHTER)

What?
- I tell you what ― if you give me three bottles of that rose,...

- Yes.
- Then I will allow you to go under the 10kg threshold.

- OK.
- And I'll count it. Otherwise it's too much.

- This is like Jetstar ― trying to get on with your baggage.
- Yeah.

- Paul, what have you brought in?
- I'm a big unit. I'm like yourself ― fairly tall,

but also a hell of a lot chunkier. Like, you
obviously work out. I just... sit down a lot.

So I'm a big guy. I weigh
pretty much exactly 100 kilos.

So I thought the best thing
that's 10 kilos is one-tenth of me.

So I've divided myself into 10
equal portions. (LAUGHTER)

And you can choose
whichever 10 kilos you want.

I've seen myself naked. I know which bit I'd go
for. But this is― this is your decision, really.

Could the picture itself weigh
10kg? Is that the way it works there?

No, no. The picture's not physically
here. This is a... (LAUGHTER)

This is a projection of an image. I'm
not sure if you know how images work.

That's not... That's not actually there.
It's just being shown. (LAUGHTER)

- That's zero for Paul.
- Zero?! (ALL EXCLAIM)

Let's just establish how things are gonna work
on the show this season. That is zero for Paul.

Two for Chris, because you're doing terrible harm
to the environment by planting that fig tree.

I'll honestly take two points.

I'll give you three if you give me some of those
bottles of wine. Are you prepared to do that?

Deal, yes. Thank you.

Four for you, Justine. I can't abide reef shoes.
I would have given you five, but reef shoes...

- Oh, I know. I know. They're so shameful.
- ...are just horrific.

And I love marmalade.
- Oh, you wait. Most of it you can eat.

I love it. (LAUGHTER)

So you get five points.
- Thank you. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I think we'd better get into the meat
and coleslaw of this TV show sandwich.

Paul Williams, a task proper, please.
- Certainly.

This task was
extremely hard to set up.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Good morning, Paul.
- Good morning, Josh.

Oh my goodness. It's very tall.

- Hello, Paul. - Gidday, P Willy. How are ya, mate?
- Good, thank you.

Good, good, good. You look
like you could use some shades.

- Wardrobe department gave me these snazzy shades.
- Very cool.

- These sunglasses have zero UV protection.
- Sorry.

That's all right. They do make me feel quite
anxious that I'm about to get shot in the face.

- I don't think you will.
- OK.

If I get shot in the
face, I'll be upset.

If you get shot in the face, it has nothing
to do with this task; it's just a coincidence.

(CLEARS THROAT)

READS: 'Retrieve the
eggs from the top of the pole.'

'Your feet may not leave the
ground during your retrieval.'

'Most unbroken
retrieved eggs wins.'

'You have 10 minutes. Your time starts
now.' Oh my goodness! That's so hard.

- I understand the safety goggles now.
- Yes.

And they could hurt if
they hit you, so try not to...

- It's an egg.
- I know.

That's gonna be too hard to catch them in.
Can I get something else to catch 'em in?

- Can I get some safety net?
- OK. - Whoo!

I'd better get going. Oh my gosh,
Paul! This is a really good one!

(APPLAUSE)

First thing I actually noticed there
are some solid footwear choices.

Some interesting choices going on
with you, Paul. You've gone with Crocs.

As we've established from the beginning of
the show, I'm a winner through and through.

So... (LAUGHTER)

So, yes, I chose a red Croc, and it
gave me― they gave me terrible blisters.

But I don't regret it, because I
got a lot of sex. (LAUGHTER)

Interesting outfit you've
chosen there, Chris.

I'm starting to panic that I look
like I am in the Hitler Youth. But...

(LAUGHTER)

But I am just making a crystal clear
statement right now that I am a park ranger,

not a young Nazi.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

That's exactly what Hitler
said to them. (LAUGHTER)

Right. I'd like to see who, if any, of our
comedians ends up with egg on their face.

Paul?
- Very well.

I'll give you three faces first, and they're
three of the most beautiful faces in the world.

Kura, Justine and Paul.

- How did you get them up there?
- Lobbed them. - (LAUGHS)

Maybe a parachute.

(JAUNTY, COMICAL MUSIC)

- Would you break if you fell in that?
- I don't think so.

Like when someone jumps out of a building.
You know? Like in the first Lethal Weapon.

- I've seen it; I don't remember it.
- Mel Gibson before he turned Scottish.

Just gonna do a tester.
(LAUGHS) Oh God!

Come on, baby.

I got one!

Two!

This guy didn't break!

You bloody hero!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

Shit.
- What?

- Lots of them broke.
- Oh.

Sometimes you just gotta break a few
eggs to (SHRIEKS) make an omelette!

(GASPS)

(LAUGHTER)

Come on. Come on.

Shit, this is...

Is that all of them?

I think we only broke one.

- You've got five minutes and 10 seconds.
- I know, yeah. I'm just thinking.

I'm also thinking about how you've
got five minutes and 10 seconds. Sorry.

Continue.
- What are you muttering? - Sorry.

Pretty pleased with
our system so far.

Aargh!

Look! That guy
didn't break either.

I wonder...

if I could just catch them.

Shit!

Unbroken.

This is so fun.

Oh, baby.

Fuck yeah!

- Fuck. Sorry, I'm trying not to swear.
- It's OK.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

- Is that one broken?
- Oh, are we talking break or hairline crack?

That's not broken, surely.

- What would you say that is?
- Well, if I saw that in the supermarket, I'd go, 'That'sfine.'

- What supermarket do you shop at?
- Which one do you think?

- New World.
- Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

(GASPS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Thank you, Paul.
- Thanks, P Willy.

- I think that is broken.
- It's not broken. It's damaged, but it's not broken.

It's broken.

(APPLAUSE)

Kura, it was impressive that
you were catching those eggs

in that tiny little bucket
that you decided to use.

- Yeah, thank you. It wasn't that small a bucket. I've seen smaller.
- JUSTINE: It was prettysmall.

- Yeah.
- Well, compared to, say, Paul's parachute that he had operating.

- True, yeah.
- PAUL EGO: Yeah, mine was overkill.

I basically brought an entire
circus tent out... (LAUGHTER)

...to catch some
eggs. (LAUGHTER)

It worked well, though.
How did Paul go?

- Pretty well, yeah. So, there were 12 eggs up on the plate.
- Mm-hm.

A dozen. Paul retrieved nine.

That's not including the
one that was cracked.

- Oh, that was definitely― No, we can't include that one.
- Yes.

Kura ― also nine.
- ALL: Ooh. - Yeah.

And Justine ― six. - CHRIS: Wow.
- JEREMY: Not bad.

50%.

Here's some ads.
We'll see you soon.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Paul Williams, give me a quick
who, what and why, please.

Who ― five comedians. What ― doing
tasks. Why ― because they needed the money.

(LAUGHTER)

The current task ― retrieving eggs from
the top of a 4m pole without breaking them.

Whose eggs and poles do
we need to see next, Paul?

Like the '90s hip-hop duo,
they're gonna make you jump.

It's not Kris Kross;
it's Chris, Josh.

I'm gonna try and be
really, really clever,

and if we run out of time, I'm
throwing them, I'm catching them.

So, I'm gonna try tip it...

tip them into a bucket.

I'm gonna need a cushion.
There might be one in the caravan.

Yes!

A cushion!

Who put the eggs up there?
- I did, sorry.

I'll tell you who's done well out
of this show ― tape manufacturers.

- I have shares.
- What? Do you?

Yeah. The red tape company.
We're doing very well.

Two and a half minutes.

We gotta go. We gotta go.

Oh! I've prolapsed.

Go back in there.
- What's 'prolapsed'?

Prolapsed is when, like, your anus goes out but
it's meant to go in, or, you know, something.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

Whoa-a!

(LAUGHTER)

(STRAINS)

(STRAINS) Piss― Yeah!

(GRUNTS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

How much time have I got?
- You've got 1.18.

Aargh!

Aargh! Aargh!

There's one up there.

Oh!

LAUGHS: Oh my God!

A miracle!

What if I...

There's something on there!

No, I got it!

(EXCLAIMS)

Were they...? Were they...?
Oh no! They were all in here!

They were all in here! I did it! I
should've checked my basket!

Oh, no, no, no!

Your shitty tape― Your shitty tape
didn't hold. You and your shitty red tape.

- The tape held.
- No, it didn't.

It― It looked like you got them,

and then you tipped them all out cos
you thought there were more up there.

So how many did you retrieve?
- Five.

- You happy with that?
- I wanna say four out of 10. Well, five out of 12.

- You happy with that?
- No.

It was a brilliant plan let
down by your red tape.

- I just don't see how this was the tape's fault.
- OK.

Thank you, Josh.

Your tape! Your shitty tape!

(APPLAUSE)

PAUL EGO: Oh boy.

- So, just quickly, Josh, you had the eggs in your basket.
- That's right.

It's quite high up, though, so I
didn't know that they were all in there.

I thought one of them came out,
and then I put the basket down.

But then Paul's tape failed, and the whole
thing span around, and all the eggs broke.

And then I didn't even know until I'd
completely removed the entire apparatus.

But I was fine with it. I'm quite a
chilled-out guy, so... (LAUGHTER)

...it's not a big
deal. It's fine.

I'd like to say that the tape held, cos
this is gonna plummet the share prices.

(LAUGHTER)

Paul, got some scores for us?

- So, Chris retrieved five unbroken eggs.
- Mm-hm.

Josh, four.

So, miraculously, that last one that Chris
dropped was the difference between the two ofthem.

- Wow! - Wow. Is that right?
- Thank you, ground.

(LAUGHTER)

That's two tasks complete,

meaning it might be time to look at the
digital abacus that is our leader board, Paul,

and see who's taken an early
lead in the episode and season.

It's the ladies out in front.
Justine's in second with seven,

but out in first with eight points, Kura
Forrester. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

All right, Paul, I think
another task might be in order.

This task may appear hard at first, but once you
crack it open, it's actually full of custard.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Hi, Paul.
- Hello, Justine.

Hello, Josh.
- Hello, Paul.

Ooh! A delicious creme brulee.

A creme brulee?

Is that a creme brulee?

Is this a cheeky little
tiramisu? Looks like it.

Why would you get a creme brulee? You know I'm on
a low-carb thing. What the hell's wrong with you?

Sorry.

READS: 'Crack this creme
brulee. Most satisfying crack wins.'

'You have 30 minutes to prepare your crack
and one (FRENCH ACCENT) creme brulee.'

'Your time starts now.'

Just wondering if... No, I don't
wanna clean that out of my arse.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Paul, a tiramisu. (LAUGHTER)

I'm nothing if not the dessert
aficionado; I tell you what. (LAUGHTER)

Right, so whose creme brulee
devastation should we see first?

She has a real sweet tooth and 31 savoury
teeth, so, yeah, she thinks desserts are justOK.

It's Justine Smith.

Well, I think I'm gonna drop
something on it from a height to crack it.

Right.

Attempt number one.

Attempt number two.

Butter knife.

Meat fork.

Knife.

Ice cream scoop.

Ooh, that was close, eh, Paul?
- Uh-huh.

Dessert spoon.

Soup spoon.

Dessert spoon.

Butter knife.

Teaspoon.

(SIGHS) Shit.

The letter 'A'.

The letter 'H.'

It's now the letter 'I'.

This half-drunk bottle of water.

Yes!

(APPLAUSE)

Whoo!

God, I've never been
so satisfied in my life.

And if you could bring me that up to my dressing room,
I might spend the next 18 minutes eating that brulee.

OK.

(APPLAUSE)

So, Justine, talk us through your methodology ―
so, the idea to have the most satisfactory crack.

I did find on the 17th or whatever it was
thing, when I biffed that water bottle at it,

God, I tell you what ― that was― I needed a
cigarette. I don't even smoke. I was very satisfied.

This is a woman, though, that
takes reef shoes to Disneyland.

Listen. Listen, mate. The reef
shoes, OK, I'm gonna say they're bad,

but at least I didn't wear Crocs
for the whole thing, OK? So...

At least I know how to smash
a tiramisu. (LAUGHTER)

Can you satisfy my want
to see another one, Paul?

I can, Jeremy, and his name includes one
of the key ingredients or creme brulee ―

it's Paul Egg-o.
- Oh.

I'm thinking I might
take this outside

and find something a bit more
impressive than a spoon to crack it with.

Right.

Maybe I could... bloody
Heather McCartney it.

- What's that a reference to?
- Heather McCartney. She only had one leg.

- Oh, and she stomped on...
- BOTH: ...creme brulee. - Yeah, yeah.

- Right.
- It's a thing she used to do.

That felt so wrong.

I don't automatically try and
lift someone between their legs.

That's why I got kicked
out of Cirque du Soleil.

Yeah.

I haven't allowed any time to clean
her foot either. You could do that.

Ever sucked a mannequin's toes?
- No.

Hell of a thrill, mate.

OK, this is me, the very athletic Paul Ego, about
to do the best creme brulee crack of all time,

with this consensual
woman's foot.

OK.

KURA: Wow!

Very good. (APPLAUSE)

- Awesome. - Satisfied?
- Yeah. Now it's ready for eating.

It's the best bit, the custard.

(AUDIENCE GROANS)

Just as I remember it.

Oh God. She's got
dog shit on her foot.

Delicious (!)

(APPLAUSE)

How satisfying was
the taste of dog shit?

It was― I'll tell you what ― mixed with
the eggy creme, it's quite a heady mix.

(LAUGHTER)

More custard and more
cracks, please, Paul.

- She's my best friend in the whole world. It's Kura Forrester.
- Yay!

Do you have a vice? - I'm not sure if we have a vice.
- Imagine putting it in a vice.

(IMITATES SMALL EXPLOSION)

Yeah, brah, let's chuck a
creme brulee in a vice, dude.

It's gonna be crack up.

♪ We're gonna vice a
creme brulee today. ♪

Flip. It's just a bit
too small, this one.

(DRAMATIC NOTE)

- Did you just crack the creme brulee?
- No.

(LAUGHS)

What is that?

It's just a little nudge.
I'd call that a nick.

- It seems slightly cracked.
- It's not.

♪ We're gonna vice a
creme brulee today. ♪

I found a bigger one. What do they say ― lift with your back.
- Yeah.

This is gonna be satisfying.

So, what I'm going for is the slow,
like... (IMITATES SLOW CREAKING)

And then, like, a beautiful
crack, and then oozing of... brulee.

Looking for a gorgeous crack.

(CRACK!)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

Well, it's cracked.

- Was that satisfying?
- Not as satisfying as I thought, but it was still pretty fun.

Oh well. You win
some, you lose some.

Sorry about the mess.
- That's OK.

(APPLAUSE)

- Looking for a gorgeous crack there.
- Yeah. I wish I'd studied a bit harder in woodwork, right,

but I think you're supposed
to, like, get the vice...

Yeah, it's supposed
to be solidly attached.

Yeah, it's supposed to
be solidly attached to the―

And you're not supposed to put your
dessert in the middle of it. (LAUGHTER)

It's time to crack in half the ramekin that is our
uninterrupted TV show with delicious advertisements.

Get a spoon or a mannequin foot and dig on
in. We'll be back to finish this one off soon.

See you in a moment.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where our contestants are competing to take
home approximately 50kg of worthless junk.

What are we doing
at the moment, Paul?

Our contestants are trying to find the most
satisfying way to crack a delicious creme brulee.

OK, then, Paul, who else has got the gall to
crack a dessert that would retail for $20-plus

in the midst of a
crippling recession?

He's my best friend in the
whole world. It's Josh Thomson.

Nope, nope, nope. Nope.

- So, what's this you're making?
- Got a rough idea of how to make a Roman catapult.

It hasn't come in handy yet,
but maybe today's the day.

Ooh yeah!

I'm gonna do
something like this.

Yeah. Cool.

It's actually quite a slow arc.

Haven't seen an arc that
slow since, um, bloody Noah...

tried to turn around
in the drive-through.

Oh, we have a laugh.

Behold!

Where am I from?

Timaru.

The Timaru Cracker.

Oh, there's plenty of those.

What am I doing?
- Cracking a creme brulee... - Ah, yes.

- ...for the show Taskmaster.
- Great.

Hiyah!

(LAUGHTER)

(SMASH!)

CHRIS: Oh!

Wow!

What a shame.
That looks delicious.

Oh, that's not a real creme,
though. That's a― That's a custard.

Sorry that the creme brulee's
not up to your standard.

No, no, it's fine.
Whoever made it, it's fine.

Oh, did you make it?
- Yeah.

Oh, it's shit. (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- I'm starting to see a pattern emerging here, Josh.
- Mm.

- First, you critique the glasses. Second, you critique the tape.
- Mm.

And now you're critiquing the
authenticity of the creme brulee.

Yeah, well, I understand it's,
you know― it's for television,

and the actual consistency of the
custard, or the curd, isn't important.

But, you know, just―
details matter. (LAUGHTER)

- It was a creme brulee, wasn't it?
- Yeah, I think so.

Like, the definition of a creme brulee is a
dessert of custard topped with caramelised sugar.

Yeah, sure, if you go to the supermarket,
just get a bunch of pre-cooked custard,

dump it on, burn some sugar on
top ― yeah, let's call it a creme brulee.

Let's just throw
desserts out the window.

Sorry.

Oh, it's fine. I'm a
chilled-out guy. (LAUGHTER)

OK, we've got one more dessert
to be obliterated. Paul, who is it?

It's the man whose name is also the instructions
on what to do to the top of the creme brulee.

It's 'Crisp Arker'. (LAUGHTER)

I reckon we put the
creme brulee at distance,

and I get some teaspoons,
then I'm gonna lob teaspoons at it.

And if I can get it, that'll be so satisfying.
- OK.

I am Chris Copperfield,

and today, I will successfully
crack a creme brulee blindfolded

from metres up in the air.

My spoon!

How did that go?

It's stuck into the ground.

Oh, it's gonna besosatisfying!

(CLUNK!)

- You hit the microphone.
- Sorry.

No, it's OK. It's
satisfying for me, cos...

I really don't like
the sound guy.

Nope.

And now an attempt...

without the blindfold.

Without my glasses.

Still pretty hard.

Nope.

Oh!

You've got one
minute and 20 seconds.

Oh my God!

I'm going to crack this creme brulee from
a great height and with the ability to see.

30 seconds.

12 seconds.

(OPERA MUSIC)

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

(LAUGHTER)

(OPERA MUSIC CONTINUES)

(WHEEZES)

You OK?

(LAUGHS)

- You cracked it slightly after I blew the whistle.
- Yeah, I know.

Did you see the slide?
- Yeah.

- It was cool, eh?
- Yeah.

All right. See ya, Paul.

Fuck it.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- One word comes to mind there, and that is 'hubris'.
- (LAUGHS)

I don't know what
that even means.

You know what ― I reckon I
wasted a lot of time with the show

and could've just focused more
on cracking the creme brulee.

- Hubris. - Classic hubris.
- There it is.

Yeah, so Chris had 30 minutes to
crack the creme brulee. (LAUGHTER)

And he officially took 30 minutes and
0.5 seconds. (AUDIENCE GROANS)

I don't think Chris can get any
points, cos he didn't break it in time.

- AUDIENCE: Aw.
- I know. But I can't, you know― - No, I knew. I knew. I knew.

I think you should get five points, Josh, cos
I thought that that was really impressive,

particularly with the Roman weaponry.
- Thank you very much.

Three points to Justine, because
I think you used the balcony well,

plus you've got a reasonably low
threshold when it comes to satisfaction,

which will put you in good
stead for life. (LAUGHTER)

Undeniably true.

Kura, you get two, because you
said yourself it was unsatisfying.

And, Paul, you ate dog shit,
so you get one. (LAUGHTER)

PAUL EGO: Oh, what?

I'm also eating dog shit
on this show. (LAUGHTER)

Let's toss the teaspoon into the pit of
tasks and dish us up one more, please, Paul.

There's a saying that golf is a good walk spoiled.
Well, I think the next task is a good game improved.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Hi, Paul.
- Hello, Chris.

- Looking dapper. Do you wear that outfit every time?
- Yeah.

- It's nice.
- Thank you.

Anyway, we can't talk
all day. What's going on?

This looks fun. Bit of golf.

Golf! Yuck!

Don't like golf?

No. I have played it, but I'm not very good
at it, so I just decided it's a stupid game.

I love golf.

I hope this is just
'play a round of golf'.

READS: 'Hit the
golf ball into its hole.'

'Fastest wins. Your
time starts now.'

'Hit the golf ball into
its hole.' Into its hole.

(APPLAUSE)

(GROANS)

- Justine, not a fan of golf.
- No, not a fan of golf. I'm not 80, so, you know.

Paul, you're a huge
fan of golf. (LAUGHTER)

- Yes, I love golf. Love golf.
- I'm good at minigolf.

Yeah, well, I actually thought you looked
more like a minigolfer, to be honest, Chris,

in that outfit that
you're dressed in.

Why? I'm so tall, it's even harder,
cos it's even twice as mini for me.

(LAUGHTER)

I, for one, can't wait to see these
masters don their cheese-cutters

and hit a tiny red ball
towards a yet unsighted hole.

But first, an ad break. We'll
be back soon. Golf clap, please.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where a pair of Justine Smith's reef sandals and
a photo of Paul Ego's crotch are up for grabs.

Right now, though, Paul
Williams, what is about to happen?

We're about to watch a task where our contestants
have been asked to simply hit a ball intoits hole.

Let's start with the extreme
ends of the golf spectrum,

if that spectrum went from absolutely loves golf
to hates golf. It's Paul Ego and JustineSmith.

Oh, here we go.

Into its hole. What
do you mean 'its hole'?

Into its... Well, it's not in a hole. Does
it mean hit it straight down? Must do.

(LAUGHTER)

Its hole. Is there a flag
somewhere? What am I missing?

Into its hole.

There's no ho― There's
no hole. What hole?

Oh look! It's over
there. (LAUGHS)

OK.

Oh, for God's sake.

It's there.

Oh shit.

That was not ideal.

OK, so there's a sign here that
hilariously says 'This is not the hole'.

Now, there is no hole here, so this
is closest to the pin, I assume, is it?

There. It's...

Done.

Paul, if this is not the hole
either, this is going somewhere.

Where's it going?

I mean, there's no hole, so unless I actually
physically pull this out and make a hole...

Right, so this is gonna
go into the ground.

We just need it a
bit subterranean.

Level with the ground.

It's in the hole.

OK, it's in the hole.

- Are you happy with that being its hole?
- Yes!

- And the taskmaster will be happy?
- Oh, look, I couldn't give a shit at this point.

I'm gonna walk away.
I'm not proud, though.

- OK.
- OK.

Let's go and hit the 19th hole, Paul.
Smash some piss, eh? What do you reckon?

You look like a piss-smasher.
- Nah.

- See you later. Love you.
- Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

I can't tell whether you guys think that you've
done what you're meant to have done here.

No, I completely
know that I have not.

I was angry from the beginning to the end of that task.
- Yeah.

In fact, I'm still a bit
residually angry about it.

I just dug its own hole.

The task did not say that,
did it? I mean, the task said―

Well, it did say 'its hole', which I think implies
that there was a hole, a pre-existing hole.

- Yeah.
- CHRIS: Yeah. Yes.

But, still, putting it in their own-dug holes,
Justine took nine minutes and 17 seconds,

and Paul took three
minutes and 50 seconds.

- Nine minutes?!
- That's a long time to make a hole for a ball and whack it in.

No, I spent the first eight and a half minutes
with the stupid club and the stupid ball,

going to the stupid flags. It
was a stupid waste of time.

You wouldn't believe she's on
a seven handicap. (LAUGHTER)

Loves her golf.
- I don't even know what that means.

See? She's still yet to be seen if that is the hole
that the ball's actually supposed to be hit into.

Who should we look at next, Paul?
- It's the remaining three.

You've heard of Tiger Woods. Well,
here's Kura Forrest-er, Chris Park-er

and Josh Thomson, who doesn't have any
tree-based words in his name. (LAUGHTER)

Where's the hole? Where's
the hole? Where's the hole?

Well, well. Looks
like it's over there.

There's the hole.

This is so fun!

CHUCKLES: Oh my God.

Shit. Where'd it go? Oh, crap.

Happy Gilmore!

That's not a ho―
There's no hole.

'This is not the hole.' Why
would you put that there?

Oh no. This is a trick.

Maybe it's gonna
lead to the hole.

I thought I was nailing it.

Is the hole down there?

Oh no.

I found another flag!

I could try over there.

Whoo!

Which one's the hole?

This is not the hole.

Wait.

You wrote 'this
is not the hole'?

I feel like I'm
quite good at this.

Oh no.

It's not the hole.

I could probably just carry this
ball, eh. I'm not gonna risk that.

My lungs. My poor lungs.

There's a trick.
There's a trick.

Where's the hole?!

Paul, do you know
where the hole is?

- Can't tell you.
- Be a good boy and tell me where the hole is.

Sorry.

Just a sweaty man walking
through the forest looking for a hole.

- Are you the hole?
- No.

- How many holes have you got?
- I'm not answering that.

I watched that documentary on Tiger
Woods. He never had to deal with this shit.

It's not here, is it?

I'm gonna go up the top and have a
look out. I'll be able to see the hole.

Bet you nobody else came inside.

I don't think it's
upstairs, do you?

There's the hole!

(GASPING, EXCLAIMING)

Aaaaaarse.

Arse! Arse! Arse! Arse!

Arse! Arse!

Piss! Piss! Piss!

(GRUNTS) Where's the ball?

It's in the... Oh,
it's in the piss hole.

Who puts a hole upstairs?

Goddammit. Out
there pissing around.

Time.

Get...

(PANTS)

Well, that was easy (!)

This is why I don't play golf.

(APPLAUSE)

- (GROANS)
- Oh man.

Contrasting experience in that
task between Josh and Kura.

Kura, you had a ball!
- (LAUGHS)

An absolute ball out there.

Yeah, I try and look on the
bright side as much as possible.

I can see that, cos you were having a
complete shitter, yet you just kept going.

It was really impressive.
- Thank you.

How long did Kura go for?

- Kura took 32 minutes and 44 seconds.
- Yep.

- Josh took 30 minutes and 39 seconds.
- Oh! Come on!

- Incredibly close, yes.
- OK. And what about Chris?

- Chris ― 10 minutes and 31 seconds.
- Oh! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Oh my God!

I won a sport! I won a sport!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So, you guys, obviously, you
didn't think to look in the house?

- (LAUGHS) No. No.
- Not for a second.

Knowing the layout of the Taskmaster house, surely
a cruel trick was played on Justine and Paul.

I assure you, the hole was
not moved. Here's visual proof.

Thoroughly, thoroughly
depressing experience.

- Oh my God.
- JOSH: Oh no!

Give up, guv.

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)

Fuck golf! (LAUGHTER)

If Paul had seen it, he
would've won quite easily.

He walked past, yeah, about three minutes into it.
- Oh my God.

You didn't notice there was a cameraman
upstairs, just standing by the hole?

I thought they were just filming
me, pissed off, going into the room.

For all I know, I've got a third child at
home, and I just keep walking past them.

(LAUGHTER)

No idea he's there.

So, how do we score that one?

- Justine and Paul both did not finish.
- No.

But third place, Kura.

Second place, Josh.

And in 10 and a half minutes, first place, Chris Parker.
- Amazing.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) What
a comeback. What a comeback.

It's time to do a Paul Ego and hit
the 19th hole for a quick refreshment

in the form of a quick
commercial break.

We'll be back with the very exciting live task
that will decide tonight's winner in just a moment.

We'll see you soon.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Nice to have you
with us tonight.

If you've just joined
us, this is Taskmaster.

You're just in time to see five fledgling
Taskmaster chicks leave the warm, cosy nest

by going up to the stage
for the season's first live task.

But before that, Paul, where are
the episode's scores at, please?

In last place with
six points is Paul.

Kura's on 13. And Josh is on 15.

So it's still very close.

Let's head up on to the stage
for our final task. (APPLAUSE)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

A bath. I'm not sure that any amount of soap can
clean up the filth that we've seen here tonight, Paul,

but let's have a go.
What's the next task?

- Reading the task, Kura Forrester.
- CHRIS: Good luck, Ku.

READS: 'Construct the
tallest soap skyscraper.

'While constructing, you must enthusiastically make
the noise Paul asks the person before youto make.

'If your noise is incorrect, unenthusiastic or
takes too long, Paul will push over your tower.'

There's more.

'You have 120 seconds.

'Tallest soap skyscraper wins. Your time
starts when Paul asks his first question.'

So, the first question will go
to Jeremy. Is everybody ready?

- CONTESTANTS: Yes.
- Not really, but OK.

Jeremy, the pig goes...

(SNORTS)

(COMICAL MUSIC)

PAUL EGO: Oh, it's so wet.

Chris, the monkey goes...

(SNORTS)

Josh, the chicken goes...

Ooh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh!
(LAUGHTER)

Justine, the goat goes...

(CLUCKS, SQUAWKS)

Kura, the mouse goes...

Maaaa. Maaaa.

Paul, the rooster goes...

(BRAYS)

What noise was that?

Oh!

What was I meant to do?
- A mouse.

Was that not a mouse? (LAUGHTER)

Chris, the owl goes...

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Josh, the frog goes...

(HOOTS)

Justine, the rabbit goes...

Croak, croak.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES)
Kura, the lion goes...

(SNUFFLES) (LAUGHTER)

Paul, the Lion King goes...

# Na, ze-fen-ya,

♪ ca-na-na, na-ni,
me-na-na. # (LAUGHTER)

What?

Chris, the creaky door goes...

# Ah, ze-fen-ya,
ma-na, ni-chi ah. ♪

Josh, the boiling kettle goes...

(IMITATES CREAKING) (LAUGHTER)

- Justine, the jet engine goes...
- (WHISTLES) - You have 10 seconds.

Kura, the giraffe goes...

DEEP VOICE: Whooooom! (LAUGHTER)

(WHISTLE TRILLS)
- Hands away, please.

Wow!

Amazing!

- CHRIS: I need some hand sanitiser.
- I think your hands are incredibly clean.

(LAUGHTER)
- Wow! Look at your tower, Josh!

Right, someone just have
scored something out of that.

Let's head back down to the stage, and
we'll score it. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Paul, who scrubbed
up best out of that?

Chris Parker ― 21.5cm.

Josh ― 25cm.

Justine ― 17cm.

Kura ― 12.8cm.

And Paul ― 13cm.

I didn't come last at something!

So, that means one point
for Kura, two points for Paul,

three points for Justine, four points
for Chris and five points for Josh.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - OK. Not
gonna react. I'm not gonna... (LAUGHS)

So, taking those numbers into account, who
does that mean is our episode winner, Paul?

The runaway winner of episode one with 20
points, Josh Thomson. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Wow!
- (SCREAMS)

That means that Josh Thomson gets hold of
eight out of 10 of Kura's bottles of wine...

- Yes! - ...and Justine Smith's dresses.
- Ooh yeah! Ooh, too― Ooh, too much?

Off you go. Go up there and enjoy
your spoils. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Tonight, we've witnessed
Paul Ego eating dog shit.

We've seen Chris Parker prove that time
waits for no man who can't throw a teaspoon.

We've also found out that the winner of episode
one, season three of Taskmaster is Josh Thomson!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Thanks for your company tonight.
See you next week. Pomarie.

(GRUNTS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

Yeah!

You've been busy.

(GRUNTS)

(GROANS)

We're here to celebrate and commiserate
five comedians attempting to impress me

by completing tasks to the best
of their sometimes limited abilities.

And we're off!

Aargh!

(GRUNTS)

Well, buckle up,
cos I'm ready to go!

(QUACKS)

(SCREAMS)

Whoo!

ALL: This is fun!

Is that all the way up, that zip, or is
there still a little bit of my back showing?

Ooh!

- (GRUNTS)
- (SCREAMS)

God, I've never been
so satisfied in my life.

If that doesn't get a standing
ovation, nothing on this show ever will.

Thank you, Justine. Thank
you, Josh. Kura. Paul. Chris.

Are you not entertained?!

Yeah, I was entertained.