All language subtitles for TaskmasterNZS02E10

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

(CLUNK!)

(SPLASH!)

(THUD!)

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(SPLASH!)

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2021

(DING!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Kia ora. We have made it ―
the televisual event of the year,

the grand finale of Taskmaster
New Zealand series two.

My name is Jeremy Wells,
and I am the Taskmaster.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Sitting before me
are five comedians,

who for the last
nine weeks have been put through a
series of rigorous tasks set by me,

and I've been ranking them
from best to worst.

We've been
tabulating their scores, and at the
end of this final, riveting episode,

we'll crown our series two
champion and award them the
most glamorous prize

in New Zealand television history
since Mike Hosking hosted Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire

and nobody won it.
(LAUGHTER)

It's my head made of polystyrene
and painted gold.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!

- One final time, our contestants
are David Correos,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Guy Montgomery,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Laura Daniel,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Matt Heath...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

By my side, as always,
is a very special boy.

(LAUGHTER)

He's been acting as my eyes
and ears throughout the tasks,

despite having very handsome and
desirable eyes and ears of his own.
(LAUGHTER)

It's my trusted assistant,
Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I'm so excited to be here tonight.

Obviously, it's the grand final,
so I decided to roll out the red
carpet.

(LAUGHTER)
- That red carpet is always there.

- I overheard...
They were thinking of changing it,

and I said, 'No, it's the
grand finale. I want it red.'

So you're welcome.
(LAUGHTER)

- Everybody really
appreciates that (!)
(LAUGHTER)

What's our prize task today, Paul?
- I'm really looking forward
to this week's prize task,

because they've been tasked with
bringing in the most futuristic
thing.

- Ooh.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh.

- The person with the most points at
the end of this episode will win all
five futuristic things.

- Any idea who's futuristic
thing we're gonna see first?
- Let's start with David's.

- I brought a calendar for 2022.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Every single month, I made every
name out of my body. There we go.
- We do have a few of the months.

(LAUGHTER)
- August. Look at that 'S'.

December!
(LAUGHTER)

Like I'm human centipeding
myself with my feet.
(LAUGHTER)

- So they actually have physical
calendars in the future, do they?

- Well, they do next year, Jeremy!
(LAUGHTER)

- Urzila, what did you bring in?

- I brought in a charger, a phone
charger, that once the zombies come,
which I think we all know they will,

you're gonna just grab this charger
cos it's got a little solar pack in
it,

and you can charge
anything you like.

Look at that.
It's already got one on it.

Obviously a bit of sunshine,
wherever it is.
(LAUGHTER)

- So you know that solar been
invented for quite some time.

Solar power.
- Yeah. Yeah. But that can
go with you into the future.

(LAUGHTER)

- You can take anything you
want into the fuckin' future!
(LAUGHTER)

- Exactly. So this task was
really fucking easy for me.
(LAUGHTER)

- Matt, what did you bring in?

- I also think
that the future is nuclear,
so I have the perfect outfit,

every thing you need to be a
road warrior after the apocalypse.

(LAUGHTER)

- So what exactly are you preparing
for with a hose coming out of your
penis?

(LAUGHTER)
- That's for any occasion.

I think the key points to look
at here is the baseball bat

for fighting off other
post-apocalyptic warriors.
You've got the helmet.

You've got the... undies.

(LAUGHTER)
- What are you protecting
your butthole from, though?

- Attacks from behind. A lot of the
attacks come from behind after the
apocalypse.

- Laura, what did you bring in?

- Oh, I brought in something
that completely changes your
whole future ―

a positive pregnancy test.
(LAUGHTER)

- So, this is your...

- No, no, no! It's not
my pregnancy announcement! (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)

My good friend Lana did have
to pee on the stick for me. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)

- As a prize,
what use is that to me?
(LAUGHTER)

What do I do with a pissed-on stick?

- Guy, what's your futuristic thing?

- Well, I've taken a slightly
longer view of the future.

All of these concern
humanity still being around.

But the fact is 99% of living
species on Earth so far are extinct,

and there will come a time
when we're not here any more.

But I'll tell you what
will be here ― a rock.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

We'll be gone, but, rocks, man.
(LAUGHTER)

They've been here
since the beginning, and you better
believe they'll be here at the end.

- That rock looks about
a million years old to me.
(LAUGHTER)

- How many baseball bats with a
nail through them have survived
for a million years?

- If my calendar gets
beaten by a rock...
(LAUGHTER)

- Yeah, I don't think your
rock's actually that good,
Guy, to be honest.

- Hey, can I just say
that my one had a light.

If you press the button, that is the
torch on the top. The helmet lights
up.

- Probably need a charger for that.
(LAUGHTER)

- Actually, that light's kind of
swayed me. It's got a light on it?

- It's got a light.
(LAUGHTER)

- What?!
- Five points for you.

- No!
(LAUGHTER)

- One point for your solar panel.
- That sucks, bro.

- Two points for Guy's rock.

Three points for
Laura's pregnancy test.

And four points for the calendar,
cos that was a good calendar.
- Thank you. Thank you.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- To really appreciate these stakes,
let's take a look at the overall
series board, please, Paul.

- In first place with 148 points,
Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Let's get tasking, eh?

- Before we start this task, I would
like to say to the viewers at home
that, yes, I do read your emails

and, yes, I agree that the
character of Paul does not
get enough screen time,

but this task will
hopefully help fix that.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- No Paul.

- No Paul.

- What have you done with Paul?

- (LAUGHS)

Oh my God. I haven't seen
one of these in so long.

- READS: 'Get the most footage
of Paul on this camcorder.

- 'You have 10 minutes.
Your time starts now.'

- HIGH-PITCHED: Paulie!

- Where is Paul?

- GUY: Paul!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right.

It seems pretty simple to me, Paul.

So they need to find you,
and then they need to film you.

- Yes, it's incredibly
straightforward.

Would you like to see some cameras
film some people with some cameras
attempt to film me?

- Love to.

- Here's a little bit
of Laura and Guy.

- Paul. Paul.

Oh my God! Who's that? (LAUGHS)

- GUY: Oh my God. You're not
Paul at all! You're a fake Paul!

- Aah! (LAUGHS)

- You're not Paul.
You're not the guy.

You're not Paul either!

You're full of shit, man.

- Oh my God. (LAUGHS)

- Paul?

- Paul! Paul!

- Paul would never wear those shoes.

- (LAUGHS) OK.

- I bet you're not Paul.

No, but you're handsome.
- Thank you.

- Paul!

- Paul.

- You're not Paul. You're too tall.

Paul!

- Paul.

- You're not Paul at all!

- Who are you? (LAUGHS) Oh my God.

- You know, the irony is if
Paul was here, we could talk
about this weather.

He loves that sort of shit.

- Hey, Paul. Cameraman Paul.

You're a Paul. You'll work.
I'm gonna keep recording you
until I find the actual Paul.

- Do you know where Paul is?

Oh!

I don't care...

for your tomfoolery, Paul.

- What do you mean?
- Your whole lot of
lookalikies out there.

- That must have made
it quite confusing.
- Sort of, yeah.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- Where have you been?
- What do you mean?
- Where have you been?

- It was hugely frustrating for me.
- Yeah, right.

- I went all the way down to the
water. There was a guy down there
with huge thighs.

- You've got
one minute and 50 seconds.
- OK.

This is gonna be
captivating footage (!)

- There's a guy in the caravan, and
you're handsome, but this guy was a
dish.

You know the guy I'm talking about?
- I think so. Moustache?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It's ridiculous.

- Hey, Paul.

Hey, Paul.
- Hello.

- Do you ever drink that milk just
as it is? Or is it just for dipping?

- (GULPS)

- That's a lotta milk, Paul.
- It's my breakfast.

- How old are you? Too old for milk.
- What?

- Well, you're not a growing boy.
- Milk is a man's drink.

- Milk is for everyone
except adults.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Thank you, Laura.
- Thanks, Paul.

(APPLAUSE)

- This really was a great day
for the late 20s while male
actor, wasn't it?

- It was. It was a huge day
for them, yeah.

- It's been tough for
them recently (!)

- There were 12 additional Pauls.
Guy finished with 5.24 of footage
of me.

Laura ― 3.17.
- Ooh.

- So, where were you exactly?
- Basically, I was just
completing my morning routine.

- Yeah.
- So I wake up out in
the shed, obviously.

Make sure everything's there. Then
I jog round the back of the house,

run up to the kitchen where
I prepare my breakfast ― some warm
cookies and a tall glass ofmilk.

I walk downstairs into the lab
where I enjoy some of that and make
sure everything's good inthe lab.

Then out to the caravan, where I
enjoy the rest of my breakfast.

- Cool (!) Good to know (!)
(LAUGHTER)

There'll be more amateur camera work
on this highly professional show

right after these very
necessary ads. We'll see you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to the
Taskmaster grand finale.

In addition to my golden head,
everybody wants to win a pregnancy
test pissed on by Laura'sfriend.

(LAUGHTER)

Paul Williams,
what the heck is going on?

- Our contestants are attempting
to film me with a Handycam.

Up next, renowned cinematographers
Matt Heath and David Correos.

- DAVID: Sup, bro.

No! Aah!

- You're not Paul.

- What the hell?

- Paul!

- Hi, Paul!

What's up?
- Hello.

- How you going, man?
- Good, thank you.

- Let's go for a walk.

# Paul Willi-Willi-Williams.

# He's a really cool guy.

# Lookin' so fly in his black tie. #

- Paul.
- Hello.

- # Paulie, Paulie,
Paulie Williams. #

What's this here?
- That's a person.

- Is that a person?!
- Yeah.

- What the heck?

- Just trying to get
every part of you.
- OK.

- Can you come with me?
- OK.

- This is like some
fucked-up horror movie.

Yo, you've got someone behind you
as well. That's fucking creepy.

- Do you wanna get beside that Paul?
- OK.

- Paul in the kitchen!
- Uh, yep.

- Could you come down here, please?

- Can you lift the head up?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Hey, Angella.
- ANGELLA: Hey, David.

- So, I've collected three Pauls in
here. If you could get in the middle
there.

- What's the task?
- I have to film Paul
for 10 minutes.

- Do I have to be in the shot?
- Not if you don't want to.

- If you don't want to, I can...
- I don't want to. Cool.

- Bye, Angella.
- See you.
- Have a good one.

- Oh. Another Paul.

- Hi, Paul.
- Hey, Paul.
- Hi, Paul.

- How long have we got, Paul?

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Jesus.

- Thank you, David.
- Thank you, Paul.

- Thanks, Paul.

Thanks, Paul.

Thanks, Paul.

Thanks. Good work, guys.
- Thank you, Matt.
- No, thank you. See you guys.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I feel like you guys did quite
well finding Paul. You found Paul
incredibly quickly.

- That was purely accidental.
I was like, I can't run up and down
this bullshit place all the time,

so I was gonna go there
to get the bike.
(LAUGHTER)

And then I got you, bro.

- Where were you going, Paul, when
I saw you? Were you just out of the
shed then?

- I'd just left the shed, and I was
running up to the kitchen to prepare
breakfast.

- I was much faster at running
than you. I hunted you down like
an animal. I grabbed you.

I stuffed you. And then I got a
whole lot of other Pauls in there.

Five points.
(LAUGHTER)

- Matt filmed me for
nine minutes and 13 seconds.
- Oh.

How long did David film you for?
- Nine minutes and two seconds.

- Oh!
- ALL: Oh!

- I don't think David was
filming me the whole time.
- Oh.

- Yes, he'd occasionally, pan off.
- I noticed that. I noticed that.
- Oh, really?!

- Who remains, Paul?

- URZILA: Oh you know,
I think we've covered it.
(LAUGHTER)

I'll just take that one point,
and let's move on.
(LAUGHTER)

- She may not know her way around
a Handycam, but she sure is handy ―

I assume because she wears
a tool belt with no tools in it.
(LAUGHTER)

Here's Urzila Carlson.

- Oh, bastard.

HIGH-PITCHED: Paulie!

Close, nerd, but not nerd enough.

HIGH-PITCHED: Paulie!

How many of those jackets have
they got? How many waiters have
to go naked?

You're not there.

Nice outfit, though.
Good to see actors working.

HIGH-PITCHED: Paulie!

I've got a cookie!

Another wrong one.
Let's go check the closet.

I think we both thought
he would be in there.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGH-PITCHED: Oh, Paulie!

Fake Paul, where's real Paul?

(PANTS)

I hope he's not at
the water unattended.

Even the facial hair's wrong.

Hey, Fake Paul, is this the hardest
acting job you've ever done?

- Definitely.
- Yeah.

What was the brief ― put you in a
suit, and you have to stand here
like a fuckwit?

- Yeah. Yeah, more or less.
(BOTH LAUGH)

- That's what it says for Paul too.
(BOTH LAUGH)

SING-SONGY: Come out, come out,
wherever you are!

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

Where's that little bitch
with his whistle?

- Hello, Urzila.

- So, the difference between you
and all these other Pauls is a
whistle and the iPad.

- Yeah.
- Suck it, Paul.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- You may not be winning Taskmaster,
Urzila, but to your credit, you
wander round life at your own pace

as opposed to these losers that
basically run around like headless
chickens doing anything that I say.

- That's right. Sometimes you read
something and you go, 'Oh, I have
to race against UsainBolt.

'Well, I'm probably not gonna win.
Let's go for a stroll.'
(LAUGHTER)

I'm here for a good time,
not a fast time.
(LAUGHTER)

- What are the overall scores there?
- We'll go one point Urzila.
- Yeah.

- Two points Laura. Three points
Guy. Four points David. And five
points for Matt Heath.

- Yeah, boy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Matt Heath is on
an absolute hot streak.

- What's the scoreboard
looking like right now?

- In first place on 10 points,
Matt Heath.

- Yes!
(APPLAUSE)

- You ready to go straight
back into another task?
- What have you got for me?

- Here's another task.
(LAUGHTER)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Hello, David.
- Hello, Paul.

READS: Follow these shoelaces.

That one?

- Yes, please.
- Ooh, OK.

What is about to happen?

READS: Untie these shoelaces.
Fastest time wins. Your start
time starts now.

We're gonna be here for hours.

(APPLAUSE)
- Ah.

A classic task.

One for the ages.
Beloved by all who did it.

Did anyone else do it?
- ALL: Nope.
(LAUGHTER)

- Thank God. I thought I'd
got dementia or something.

- LAUGHS: Oh no!

- So, that's obviously
a clerical error on my behalf.
(LAUGHTER)

I could have sworn
everybody did this.

- I knew no one else was gonna do
it! You don't have the time to do
that task by everyone else!

(LAUGHTER)

It gets so much worse.
(LAUGHTER)

- Here he is ―
David untying some shoelaces.
(APPLAUSE)

- This is so much. This is so much.

Where did Paul go?

Where did you go?

Where's Paul gone?

(LAUGHTER)

No!

No!

Oh, Paul!

Oh, Paul!

(WAILS)

What the heck?

No, no, no, don't pull it!
Don't pull it!

You're gonna make it tighter!
You're gonna make it tighter.

(LAUGHTER)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(LAUGHS)

(EXHALES)

You know who I feel like right now ―
Rumpelstiltskin.

I take solace in knowing that
everyone else has to go through
this as well.

I don't think there's
any way to jank this one.

I'm just― I'm so tired.

- READS: 'The fairytale
of Rumpelstiltskin by
the Brothers Grimm.

'There was once a miller...
spins straw into gold.

'Might your name perhaps
be Rumpelstiltskin?'
- (GASPS)

- 'He seized his left foot
with both hands in a rage

'and tore himself right down
the middle into two.'

(RECORD SCRATCHES)

- What the fuck?!

(LAUGHTER)

What?! I don't remember that ending.

So, after I'm done with this,
are you gonna tear yourself in half?

- Probably not.

- That'd be a pretty sick task, man.

David, rip Paul in half.
Your time starts now.
(LAUGHTER)

I am done in this room.

This seems like still
quite a lot of shoelaces.

There really is
no other way to do this.

If I can get just over two hours,
I'll be stoked.

(GASPS)

One more! Last one!

(POP!)
Yes!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, WHISTLING)

- Why? Why would you do that to him?

- Well, to be fair,
it wasn't done particularly fast.
(LAUGHTER)

How long did it take?

- He previously had the record for
the longest time taken on the task,
and he nearly broke it by an hour.

This took two hours and 12 seconds.
(LAUGHTER)

- Oh!
(APPLAUSE)

That's not bad! That's not bad!

Give me your shoes! Give me your
shoes! I'll untie them so quick.
(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

Boom!
(APPLAUSE)

Boom!
(LAUGHTER)

- I've got zippers.

(ZIP WHIZZES)
- Bam!

(APPLAUSE)
- To be fair, after watching that
video, I think it would be unfair

not to give David some points.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Absolutely.

- Five points, David, for that.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I fear David will be wearing loafers
for the rest of his life.

The grand finale of our grand finale
draws ever nearer.

We'll see you soon right after
some people sell you some stuff.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, yes.

Welcome back to Taskmaster on
this, the day of our blessed
season finale,

where we answer questions like
who will win my golden head, and
how is David Correos still alive?

(LAUGHTER)

- It's time for our final team task
of the year, no strings attached.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Ooh!

- Hello, Paul.

- Hey, Paul, I found one
of your friends back there.

- Who was it?
- DAINTY VOICE: Little Sockie.
Oh! Hi, Paul.

- I don't know him.
- (IMITATES RETCHING)

You've made me sad, Paul.

- Are we allowed to open the task?
- Yes, please.

- Yeah, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

- If this one's
a puppet-related one, it's
gonna be a huge coincidence.

- (LAUGHS)

I said I'm gonna use a puppet
regardless with this task.

- It'll be some sort of puppet show.

- Let's have a look.
- OK, let's go. Let's go.

- READS: 'Perform an
educational puppet show!'

- 'You must make the puppets.
Most educational puppet show wins.'

- 'Curtains up in 45 minutes.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

(APPLAUSE)

- Forgot about this.

- So, did you really bring
a pre-made puppet to that
particular task?

- Yeah. I wanted to make
a little sock puppet for Paul,

and I put the eyes on and
everything, and went out.

I looked like I was psychic.
(LAUGHTER)

- So, we're looking for the most
educational puppet show.
Quality be damned.

- That is correct, yes.

I'm really scared none of it
will make any sense.
(LAUGHTER)

Here's Matt and Urzila.

- BRITISH ACCENT:
How are ya, mate? I'm Marmite.
Good to see you, Vegemite.

- HIGH-PITCHED:
Did you call me 'Vag-emite?'

- I called you what you are.
You're Vegemite.

Eh, kids? Isn't―? She's Vegemite.

- Vag-emite?
- Yeah, you're yeasty. No one wants―

- Well, you're just salty.
You're very salty.

- Tom... Tom Hanks liked you,
but Brad Pitt... hated you.

- Leave me alone!
- Vegemite!

- Is the best! Is the best!

- SHOUTS: Freeze! Freeze!

- SOFT VOICE: Oh, children,
what just happened there?

- SOFT VOICE: Vegemite and Marmite
were focusing on their differences
and not on their similarities.

- We are all the same.
We are all yeast.

- Now, do you want to invite out
Vegemite and Marmite again and see
if they've learnt any lessons today?

- We can make it.
- Come on out, Vegemite and Marmite.

- We are just spreads,
and we are all the same.

- BRITISH ACCENT: Whatever spread
you are, then you're fine with me.
- Yeah, we are the sa...

- Oh no.
- Oh.

- No.
- No, no, no.

- Screw this.
- This― I've met her half-sister.

- No! No!
- Her half-sister's smooth!

It's not right. No!
- No! You're not right!

- Not safe!
- Crunchy!

No!

(DRAMATIC MUSICAL FLOURISH)

(THUD!)

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, the message is we're all
the same, even though we're a
little bit different,

unless we're really different.
In that case, we hate that thing.
(LAUGHTER)

- In a way, aren't we all
just Vegemite and Marmite
arguing about what's better

when, really, we're all
the exactly the same?
Also, peanut butter can fuck off.

(LAUGHTER)

- I just expected a little bit
more from you, particularly Matt ―

a man who's won a New Zealand
television award for
Best New Zealand Kids programme

just a couple of years ago.
- Yeah.
- Did you?!

- Yeah, I did.
- Where the fuck was that?!
(LAUGHTER)

- Welcome to Cardboard City. It's
very successful. It's in its third
season at the moment, actually.

But, um...
(LAUGHTER)

It's a good point.
(LAUGHTER)

- Every team task,
we think we've done so bad...
(LAUGHTER)

- Pretty confident going
into your puppet show.

- We could've shat on that little
stage, and it would've been better
than that.

(LAUGHTER)

- Well, you're gonna have a couple
of harsh critics sitting right here
for your puppet show.

- Paul, can you make another puppet
show appear on the television?

- Here's our next puppet show
educating us on puberty and
New Zealand history.

Here's Guy, Laura and David.

- LAURA: Come on, come all, and
gather in for the grand opening
of...

- ALL: ...The Authorised
History of New Zealand and Puberty.

- Cock-a-doodle-doo!

- DAVID: Good morning.
- Ooh. Something doesn't feel right.
- I don't feel too good either.

- GUY: Hey!

- Hi, Mr Sock Man.

- Mr Sock Man was my father's name.
Call me the Puberty In New Zealand
History Sock.

- (GASPS)
- (GASPS) What's puberty?

- Well, I'll here to tell ya.
What feels different?

- I woke up, and I feel hairy.

- Oh! (CHUCKLES)
- There's hair in places
there wasn't hair before.

- That's right, and that's very
normal. That's somethin' called
pubic and body hair,

and nearly everyone gets it.

While I've got ya here,
can I please tell you about moa?
- I'd love to know about moa.

- Well, moa were
large flightless birds

which lived in this country
from about 50 million years ago

until they became extinct.

- Wow!

# Thank you for teaching us
about my body hair.

# Thank you for teaching us
about moas.

# Moas and body hair
are very similar,

# and now it's good I know more. #

- Hey, young boy!

- Hi, Mr Sock Man. This is what
happened to me. It's been doing
it all night.

Oh!

- You appear to be experiencing
what what's called a wet dream.
It's perfectly normal.

- Oh, thanks, Mr Sock Man.
I feel finally seen.

- While I got ya here, would you
like about Horace Emerton Hodge?

He was a medical practitioner who
made an international reputation
as a playwright.

- Hello, my name is Isabel.
I believe I am dying as
I appear to be bleeding.

- Don't worry about that. That's
something called menstruation ―

the regular discharge of
blood and mucosal tissue

from the inner lining of
the uterus through the vagina.

It's a sign that pregnancy
has not occurred.

- OK.

- Might I tell you about the
great northern steeplechase?

- Will it relate to my menstruation?
- If the Auckland Racing Clubs
feature jumping event atEllerslie,

which was first run in 1885 and was
originally called the Northern Grand
National

relates to your menstruation,
then it certainly will.

Well, kids, it's been mighty
nice gettin' to know y'all.

But right now, I gotta go visit
a boy by the name Paul Williams.

Man's nearly 30 years old and
hasn't grown a single pubic hair.

- See you later, Mr Sock.

- See you later, kids.
(LAURA STRUMS UKULELE)

(APPLAUSE)

That's a huge puddle of cum.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- There's a lot to unpack
in that one, I tell ya.
(LAUGHTER)

- I liked it.
(LAUGHTER)

I was ready to hate it. You know?
But you really convinced me.
You really turned me around.

That's five stars.
(LAUGHTER)

- I may as well score it now.

You guys are clearly gonna
have to get five for that,...
- What? It was disgusting.

- ...cos it was outstanding.
You guys get four.

- Oh, yeah, awesome.
- Oh, OK. We'll take it.
- GUY: 'We're jealous!'

- I think we all need to
take a break to wash that
out of our brains.

We'll see you back here in just
a few minutes for our final two
tasks

and the awarding of our sacred
trophy. We'll see you then.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

and the awarding of our sacred
trophy. We'll see you then.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster and
a grand finale where so much is
on the line.

Would you be so kind, Paul, as to
introduce a final video task for
the season?

- Sure thing. Here it is.
And this one comes with a warning.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Ooh.

- Hello.

- Hello, Matt.

- Uh-oh. Oh...

- Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

- Wait.

I wouldn't open that if I was you.
- OK. OK.

- OK.

- What?
- I wouldn't open that if I was you.

- That kind of goes against what
my monkey brain's been trained.

- This is very threatening,
what you're doing.

- What am I doing?
- You're timing me.
- Yes.

- What should I open, then?

Is there something in here?

- So should I just wait?

- All the information
you need is in that task.

- I know, but you told me it's not
a good idea to open that thing.

- You can if you want to,
but I wouldn't.

- You wouldn't?
- No.

Trust me.

- To you, this might make sense,

but I'm just a guy
who's come into a room with two
microwaves and 4 litres of milk.

(APPLAUSE)

- So, talk me through this one,
Paul.

- There's nothing to talk through,
cos we don't know what the task is
yet.

I'm just telling them to trust me.

- And why wouldn't they trust a
person who ties 4000 shoelaces
together

and makes only
one person do that task?

- I trusted you through
this whole fuckin' thing...
(LAUGHTER)

...so much.

- Here's Guy, Matt and Urzila.

Trust me.

- I'm just gonna, I don't know,
microwave something.

- I don't trust you. I like you
a lot, but I don't trust you.

- LAUGHS: I wanna know
what I'm meant to do.

- All the information
you need is in the task.

But I wouldn't open it
if I was you.
- (LAUGHS)

- (EXHALES)

- READS: 'Lift the two milk bottles
and hover them directly above their
respective microwaves.'

- 'Longest time wins. Your time
started when you entered the room.'

Ah!

- 'Your time stops when you
lower the bottles. You must
lift them now.'

Shit. I should've trusted you.
You've never let me down before.

- I appreciate you
trying to help out.

- (EXHALES)

Luckily I'm, uh, quite strong.

- It's really stressful when
I come in here and you've got
that stopwatch going.

- Sorry.

- Looks all right.
- It's been two minutes.

- OK, mate.

- You know, I really wanna win this
thing. I think it'd be really good
for my family.

- Can you please reach
into my left pocket?
- What's in there?

- Starting to burn
a little bit now, Paul.

- Thanks, Paul.

- I'm gonna open it.
- I'd advise against it.

- No offence, Paul ―
what the fuck am I gonna do, then?

- (LAUGHS) Fuck.

- What's wrong?

- LAUGHS: I'm furious.
I'm furious with everyone.

- Why?
- LAUGHS: This is a disaster.

- 'You must lift them now.' OK.
I see why you said not to do it.
- Yes.

- This could be like one of those
'put your hand on a car' things
where I'm just here for twodays.

- (SIGHS)

- Why didn't you trust me?
- I trust you, but you're
just hard to read sometimes.

- I do wish I'd trusted you now.

- Is it starting to burn?
- Yeah, a lot, actually.

- You're sorta here to not help,
but...

Dammit!

- Nothing a nice glass
of milk shouldn't help out
with the recovery, though.

- Did that touch?
- Yeah, it touched.

- Touch.
- Ah!

Fuck you, Paul.

- (EXHALES LOUDLY)

Really good task.
- OK.

- I'm glad this guy didn't
explode in the microwave.

- It would've made
it easier to hold.
- Dammit!

(APPLAUSE)

- I've said it once, and I
will say it again ― respect Paul.
He is always looking out for you.

- Is he, David? Did you feel that?
Does he look out for you?
- We'll see.

(LAUGHTER)

- In terms of time,
Urzila was 4.50,

Matt was 3.32,

and Guy was 5.56.

So currently Guy Montgomery in
the lead. 5.56 is the time to beat.

- OK, so how did Laura
and David go, then?

- Here they are,
David and Laura giving it a go.

- You're not lying to me, are you?
- No.

- Can I touch it?

- Are you trying to trick me?
- No, I'm just trying to...

- OK.
- ...keep the time.

You can open it if you want.
- I don't wanna open it.
- OK.

- I'm not doin' it.
I'm not opening that task.

- I think I'm not gonna open it.
- Ever?
- Nah. Maybe. Who knows.

- I'm just gonna put everyone out
of their misery, OK, and open it.
- I wouldn't.

- (GROANS)

- (GRUNTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

I'm gonna do it.

Ooh, am I?

I'm doin' it.

'Longest time wins.'

Fuck. I should've gone longer, eh?

Ooh.

Really regret opening the task.
- If your arm touches,
I'll stop the clock.

- I can do it. I go to F45.
(EXHALES)

- Ooh.
- Dammit. Oof!

I wish I had've waited longer.

- How many sugars did you want?
- Maybe two.
- Two?

- Mine's cold.
- Don't worry. By the time
I open it up, it should be warm.

What do you think about Milo?

- I like it.
- Mmm.

And then your dad's
from New Zealand?
- Yes.

- Right.
- From Mosgiel.

- Mosgiel, wow.
- Mm.

- Sorry to interrupt, guys, but,
um, crew are breaking for lunch
in, like, 18 minutes.

- Yup.
- Would you like to eat
some lunch in here?

- Yes, that would be great.
- Sure.

- I just― I love
how versatile potatoes are.
This salad is really good.

- If you time-travelled back and
told 9-year-old me that one day
he would like salads,...

- CHUCKLES: Yeah.

- ...he would be like, 'That's
what you came back to tell me?'
- (LAUGHS)

I reckon that's good. I listened
to you for over 81 minutes.

But I'm sorry, Paul, I re― I think
we have other tasks to get done.

So...

Fuck!

SHOUTS: Fuck!

(LAUGHTER)

(SIGHS)

- It's one hour and 24 minutes.
- What do you mean?

- Well, that's how long
you've been going.
- Is it?

Oh! Really?!

Done. Yeah. How many minutes?

- It was one hour and 24 minutes.

- (EXCLAIMS, SHOUTS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Oh, I trust you. I trust you
so much. I trust you so much.

- David Correos, well done.

- So, Laura, quite an impressive
19 minutes and six seconds,
so she bursts into the lead.

However, David has beaten her time
by one hour and five minutes.

- URZILA: Wow.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- One point Matt, two points Urzila,
three points Guy, four points Laura,
and five points for David Correos.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK.

We've got 10 litres of milk
just sitting out the back, waiting
to be turned into a creamydessert.

Our last part of Taskmaster series
two is coming up right after this.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well, so here we are,
the final part of our final episode.

We are moments away from not only
crowning a winner for our episode
and making them pretend

Guy Montgomery's rock
is a good prize,...
(LAUGHTER)

...but also crowning our
grand champion for series two.

Paul, run us through
both scoreboards, please.

- For the episode, way out in
front on 23 points, David Correos.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

In terms of the season scoreboard,
Urzila is on 236 points,

Matt 145 points,

David 152 points,

Guy Montgomery 155 points,

and with a four-point lead, on 159
points, Laura Daniel is in the lead.
- Ooh.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Ooh. OK.

- Still anyone's game, pretty much.
- Wow. Right, there's only one thing
we can do,

and that's finish the series
with our final task. We're going
back to the stage one more time.

It's time for the final live task.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

OK, Paul Williams, who will be doing
us the great honour of reading out
our final task?

- Urzila Carlson.
- Yeah!

Thank you.

READS: Start preparing
your salad for the Taskmaster.
You have 100 seconds.

- On my whistle.

Chefs ready?
- GUY, CHUCKLES: Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS SHOUT)

(CHEERING)

- Out-of-season salads ― Jesus,
what's the budget on this show?
(LAUGHTER)

- Do you like lettuce or kale?
- Both.
- Both.

(LAUGHTER)

- GUY: Avocado?
- I like avocados, yeah.

- You've got 30 seconds left.
- LAURA: Did you say―?
Did you like jalapenos?

- Yes, I like jalapenos.
- URZILA: Jesus.

- Oh yeah.
Shit, this is a good salad.
- (LAUGHS)

- GUY: I feel like there's
gonna be a second part here.
(LAUGHTER)

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
Hands down, please.

- This is gonna be so fuckin' good.
(LAUGHTER)

I back this shit so hard.

- Oh my God.
(LAUGHTER)

- What are we thinking, Jeremy?
- This is not what I ordered.
(LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHS)
- MATT: This better not
be 'eat your salad'.

- READS: 'The Taskmaster...'
(LAUGHS)
- (URZILA LAUGHS)

- '...no longer wants his salad.'
(LAUGHTER)

'Return your salad items
to their original order.'
- I knew it! I fuckin' knew it.

- (LAURA SHRIEKS)
- 'You have a further 100 seconds.'

And, David, stop running,
because 'your time starts now.'
- (SHRIEKS)

(LAUGHTER)

(URZILA LAUGHS)

- I balanced it
with the acid and the fats!
(LAUGHTER)

And I tossed it so well!

I can't un-teeth this!
(LAUGHTER)

- Final touches.

- GUY: Time count, please, sir.
- Five seconds.

(BLOWS WHISTLE) Hands down.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Don't touch it, but, David,
your carrot is on the ground.

- I think that's the least of
his problems, to be honest.
(LAUGHTER)

OK, everyone, let's go down
to the stage and judge them.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Oh, sit down. Oh, wasn't that so
much fun? Shall we have a look?

- We'll now see the original.

So you'll notice there is a
clear order, and that order
is alphabetical order.

- ALL: Oh!

- Shall we start with yours, David?
- MATT: Ooh.

- You haven't really done very well.
- Yeah, cos I made a good salad.

- He had about six things
in the wrong place.

- What about Guy? How did he go?

- There were 13 things total.
Six of them in the wrong place.

- To be fair, it was quite hard.
(LAUGHTER)

- Have a look at Laura's.

It's quite tidy, isn't it?
- LAURA: Yes.

- Of the 13 things, only three
of them were in the wrong place.

- GUY: Oh.
- MATT: Wow.
- Yes.

- And, uh, oh, goodness,
do we have to look at Matt's?
(LAUGHTER)

- I predicted
a different type of task.
(LAUGHTER)

- And what about Urzila?
- She did very well ―
only two things out of place.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, how do the points go on
that particular task, then, Paul?

- One point Matt, two points David,
three points Guy, four points Laura,
and five points forUrzila.

- Yeah!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- You might pass me from bottom.

- So, based on what we know, who
is taking out our episode tonight?

- The winner of episode 10 with a
whopping 25 points, David Correos.

- Well done.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Well done, David Correos. Get up on
that stage and enjoy some crap from
the future.

What have we learnt from our finale?
We've learnt that Paul Williams is
as trustworthy as they come.

We've learnt more than we ever
thought we'd need to learn about
the Great Northern Steeplechase.

(LAUGHTER)

And we've learnt that our episode 10
winner is David Correos!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- LAURA: That's really cool.

(LAUGHTER)

- All right, David, come and sit
back down, because it's time to
completely overshadow you

by rewarding our series two
Taskmaster champion.

Paul, who is taking home
TV's ultimate prize?

- In fifth place with a respectable
141 points, Urzila Carlson.

- Thank you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- In fourth place, only five points
ahead of her with 146 points, Matt
Heath.

- Yes!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- In third place with 154 points,
David Correos.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

In second place with 158 points,
Guy Montgomery.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Meaning the winner of season two
of Taskmaster New Zealand on 163
points,

Laura Daniel!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, WHISTLING)

- LAURA: Thank you.

- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- BOTH: Mwah. Mwah.

- Well done, Laura.

Very well done.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

And there we have it ― after
10 wearying weeks and enduring an
onslaught of bowling balls,helium,

toothpaste, shoehorns sunscreen,
Swiss balls, rocking chairs,

a dastardly grape, a cake made
of sewage, and the return of both
Abraham Lincoln and Hitler,

who was thankfully killed,
we have made it out alive,
and we have a winner.

Congratulations to Laura Daniel,
our season two champion.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

It's been a great pleasure putting
all five of you guys to the test.

And to everyone at home, thank you
so much for watching. We'll see you
again soon. Nigh-night.

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- Get in here!

(LAUGHS)

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