All language subtitles for TaskmasterNZS02E09

*

(WHEEL CLICKS)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- (SNORTS)

- (BLUBBERS LIPS)

- (GASPS)

(KEYS CLACK)

(CLUNK!)

(SPLASH!)

(THUD!)

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

(POP!)

I'm peeing in the water.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Gotta be faster than that!

(KEYS CLACK)

- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

(PINS CLATTER)

(SPLASH!)

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (EXHALES)

(CLUNK!)

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2021

(DING!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kia ora! Welcome to the
penultimate episode

of Taskmaster New Zealand,
series two.

I'm Jeremy Wells, and as long as
I am sitting on this ornate throne,
I am the Taskmaster.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

As always, I'm joined by
five notorious comedians
who have spent the last few months

trying to impress me by completing
a series of painstaking tasks.

Tonight, we watch what they've done,
and I will decide who was best,

who was worst, who was
second-best,...
(LAUGHTER)

who was second-worst,
and who is middle.
(LAUGHTER)

Next week, our series two
winner will be crowned
and they will take home this.

King Midas dipped his finger
in a Resene test pot...
(LAUGHTER)

and we pour it over a cheap mould
of my head.

Let's meet our comedians.
They are, as they have always been,

David Correos,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Guy Montgomery,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Laura Daniel,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Matt Heath,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

and Urzila Carlson!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And here by my side
is New Zealand television's
most beloved administration expert.

It's Paul Williams!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- # It's the

# musical episode

# where we sing
instead of talking. #
(LAUGHTER)

- I told you this last series.
We're not having a musical episode.

Taskmaster doesn't do
a musical episode.

- # Can I at least
do the dance break? #
(LAUGHTER)

- I'll allow the dance break.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Wow. Tap!

- Yeah.
- Amazing.
(LAUGHTER)

All right, Paul. You know what
to do. Tell us about our prize task.

- Our prize task this week, Jeremy ―

we've asked them to bring along the
most edible-looking inedible item.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
The person with the thing
that you can't eat

but looks the most like you can eat
gets five points,

and the person with the most points
at the end of the night will take
home all five inedible items

and probably accidentally
eat one of them tomorrow.
(LAUGHTER)

- Matt.
- My item is something
that every man in the world

has looked down on and thought, 'I
wonder what that would taste like.'
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

It is, of course, urinal cakes!
(LAUGHTER)

- Wow.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

This is amazing. I think I
speak for everyone when I say,

'Finally, you have
understood the task.'
(LAUGHTER)

That looks absolutely delicious.
- Yeah. Anyone would want
to eat that

until they found out people have
been weeing on it.
(LAUGHTER)

- Guy, what did you bring in?
- Have you ever been
to a nice house?

(LAUGHTER)

- Has he been?
He probably owns 10 of them.
- Oh.

So, sometimes,
you go to a nice house,

and it looks like they've left an
open pack of jet planes everywhere,

and you think, 'Why have these nice
people got jet planes everywhere?'

But they're not actually jet planes.
They're glass.

So I've brought in a
glass jet plane.
(LAUGHTER)

Just seems like a pretty mean prank
to play on someone who's visiting
a nice house for the first time.

- Delicious looking jet planes,
if I do say.

- Oh, no. Jeremy, you've fallen
right into the honey trap.
(LAUGHTER)

That's glass, baby!

- David, what did you bring in?
- Uh, I brought in, uh,
what you think,

'Ooh, is this some nice,
refreshing watermelon drink?' No.
(LAUGHTER)

No, that's Dave's Yum Yum Fuel.
That's petrol.
(LAUGHTER)

You thought it was piss,
didn't you?!

Everyone thought it was piss!
No, petrol.

- Dave's Yum Yum Fuel.
- Mm.
(LAUGHTER)

- Yum, yum! Don't eat it.
Put it in your car.
(LAUGHTER)

- Urzila.
- Yes.
- What did you bring in?

- I brought something
that I only discovered
once I moved to New Zealand.

I brought in pineapple lumps.
(LAUGHTER)

They look like you could eat them,
but they're shit. Yeah.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- What do you dislike so much
about the pineapple lump?

- If you have a delicious, fresh
pineapple and the first thought is,

'We should mush this up
and make it real fucking chewy

'and dip some mediocre chocolate on
it,' you should uppercut yourself.
(LAUGHTER)

This is the worst prank New
Zealanders pull on foreign people.

You come in the country,
everyone's like,

'Oh, you should have a pineapple
lump and get some of
that Vogel's bread.'

You can't toast the bread
and you can't eat this shit!
(LAUGHTER)

I'll bring my passport in
tomorrow, eh?
(LAUGHTER)

- Laura?
- Too easy. Hot dog hat.

(LAUGHTER, RELUCTANT APPLAUSE)

- Mate, how stoned do you get?
(LAUGHTER)

- You know how many times
I've come home and tried
to eat this fucking thing?

- You paid money for that?
- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

- How much was it?
- $80.
(LAUGHTER)

- Whoa.

- It was a little bit of one of
those Wish scenarios.

- Where you wish you hadn't
done that?
(LAUGHTER)

- This is going to be quite tricky
to score, to be honest.

Oh, no. Matt, straight away,
actually. Five points for Matt.

― Yes! I need these points.
Boy, do I need these points.
(APPLAUSE)

- David, four points for you.
- LAURA: Wow!

- Guy, three points for you,
two points for Urzila,

and two points for you as well.
Two points for each of you.
- Oh, that's OK.

- Because I'm feeling generous
because it's the
second-to-last episode.

Using the magic of television,
let's head over to our
Taskmaster Ranch, Paul.

- OK, the idea for this next task
was actually stolen from
the Bellagio in Las Vegas.

- (DAVID LAUGHS)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(RAIN PATTERS)

- Hello.
- Lovely day for it (!)

- Hello, Guy.
- Hello, Paul.

- Hello, Paul.
- Hello, Matt.

- Can we read it in there?
- Out here, if possible.

- Oh, yeah. It's just that
it's bucketing down.

- What's on your clock there?
- It's none of your beeswax.

- None ofyourbeeswax!
- (LAUGHS)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)
- OK. Limber up, mate. Limber up.
- (CLEARS THROAT)

'Steal the Taskmaster's portrait.

- 'Most elaborate art heist wins.
You have 45 minutes to plan
and execute your heist.

- 'Your time starts now.'

- So, you mean the portrait
in the...

in the main room up the top there?
- Yes.

- Are there security guards?
- Not currently.

- Can we case the joint?
- What does that mean?

- When you go in.
- To check it out.
- Check it out before we do it.

- You know what a heist is
but you don't know what casing is?

- I tell you where
is really good for planning.

- Inside.
- The great indoors.

- Oh, this works. Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Just casually walking in.

- Yeah.
- We're at work.
Nothing's going to happen, guys.

You don't even need to follow us.
We're just going to go check
stuff out.

(APPLAUSE)

Who's first to give it a go, Paul?
- This entry stars the Three
Friends ― Guy, Laura, and David ―

as well as me.
I'm playing a gallery owner, was it?

- It should all come out in the
edit, hopefully.

(LAUGHTER)
- Yes. Here it is ― the edit.

- Oh, what's this?
What's this painting here?

- Well, some say it's the most
expensive painting in the world.
- Mm. I've heard.

- (GUY MIMICS BIRD COOING)

- Oh, what's that?
- It's those damn pigeons.

- I've actually got a guy
for pigeons. Let me go give him a
ring up. I'll sort this placeout.

(LAUGHTER)

Hello. I'd like your finest pigeon
hunters to come through. Thank you.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
- Oh! That was so quick.
I think they're here.

- That was very quick.
- (GUY MIMICS BIRD COOING)

(LASERS BUZZ)

- Oh, I heard we got
a pigeon problem in here.

(SUSPICIOUS PERCUSSIVE MUSIC)

(CAN HISSES)

(LAUGHTER)

- Good spotting.
- I know this is your first rodeo,
but it's― it's not mine.

- This is my first rodeo.
- (LAUGHS) Let's get rid
of these disguises.

Wow. So much easier for sleuthing.

(CAN HISSES)
Whoa-ho-ho!

Lucky we brought
the laser mist with us.
- I know. Look at all the lasers.

- OK. Now, here we go.

- I guess we better deal
with these pesky pigeons.

- (MIMICS BIRD COOING)
- Oh! These...

(CRACK!)

All these dang pigeons!

(LAUGHS) All these dang pigeons!
- Dang... pigeons.

- I'll carry out all the pigeons
underneath the blanket.

I guess we solved the pigeon
problem! We'll be on our way now.

Hey, guys. We solved your pigeon
problem for you.

- And we―
- No worries.
- Yeah. We also left you a present.

We noticed you were short
of ladders. We had a spare.
- We got you a ladder for nexttime.

- My pigeon―
My pigeon guys are great.

- No worries.
- (LAUGHS) All right. See you later!

(LAUGHTER)
- Damien Hirst. Picasso.
Did I already say Picasso?

- You did, yes, in the last shot.
- He's great.

(LASERS BUZZ)

- You know what? I'm not actually
feeling this any more.

But... I am feeling this ladder.

See you later, Paul.

- Thank― Thank you, sir.

(QUIRKY WOODWIND MUSIC)

- (CHUCKLES LOUDLY)

- Why there weren't pigeons at all!

- I love it when a plan
comes together.

- This was my first rodeo.

(SIRENS WAIL)
- The cops! Scatter!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- (LAUGHS) So much cigarette smoke!

- So, Guy, just to clarify,
was that your first rodeo?

- That was my first rodeo, but if
I was to do it again, I could gladly
say this is my second rodeo.

(LAUGHTER)
- There were so many problems
with that heist.

What were you doing with the lasers?

- Because I was leaving the room,
even though I knew the
pigeon cleaners were coming,

I was told to turn on the lasers,
which I did.

- And, yeah, we've obviously
missed the fact that there
was a laser button,

that we could have just turned
the lasers off.
- Yeah.

- I would like to say the fact that
you can't get your head around it
suggests a scheme so elaborate,

it defies any sort of comprehension.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Will Matt and Urzila's
heist of the century

be any better than the heist
of the century we've already seen?

We'll find out when we return.
We'll see you in just a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to the second to last
episode of Taskmaster,

where five comedians are battling it
out to win some pineapple lumps,

which are apparently not food.

(LAUGHTER)
- They're not.

- Right now, that battling consists
of performing elaborate heists.
Whose heist have we got left?

- We've seen Ocean's Three.
It's time for Heath's Two.

It's Matt Heath and Urzila Carlson.

- Yeah, I'm thinking somehow,
we black this room out.
- Yeah.

- And a distraction
with a lot of people with umbrellas.
- Yes.

- And I lower in and steal it.
- How are you gonna
lower in, though?

- Um...

- Because Tom Cruise
had that physique.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Years in the gym
and training his upper body, etc.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

So very much like me?

- Hmm. Mm, mm, mm, mm.

- What about Catherine Zeta-J ones?
If I get a bit of the old, you know,
like, through the lasers?

- Oh, yes.

You can do that. Yeah.
- Tell me if you don't like it.
- OK.

I don't like it.
(LAUGHTER)

Ah-choo!

- Hey, who turned
all the lights out?

(GROANS)
(LAUGHTER)

(FOG MACHINE HISSES)

(LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHS)

- (SNICKERS)

Shh.
- Shh.

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

- I haven't touched a laser yet.
- No.

- Have you?
- No, no, no.
- (LAUGHS) Oh, I'm just trying―

(CRACK!)

- Ooh. Down. Down.
(LAUGHTER)

(SNORTS)

(THUMP!)
(LAUGHTER)

(GRUNTS, EXCLAIMS)

- (LAUGHS)
- Shh!

(LAUGHTER)

- I didn't touch any lasers.
Did you?
- No, no.

(SLICK ACTION MUSIC)

- (YAWNS)

Turn the― Turn the lights back on.

Oh, no! The painting!

(LAUGHTER)
Oh, phew. It's still there.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Not again, Paul!
- It's not easy to negotiate
that many lasers

when you're really inflexible
and you've also got an umbrella.
- Yeah.

- LAUGHS: It's almost like
you shouldn't have taken
the umbrellas in.

- There were pigeons
shitting on us, so...
(LAUGHTER)

- OK, time to judge. Ocean's Three,
I'll give you guys two points.

I was going to give you guys five
points because I liked the umbrellas
and I liked the plot,

and it seemed to make way more
sense that these guys' one.

But the acting was so appalling.
(LAUGHTER)

And you touched so many lasers.
You may as well have just
barrelled through the lasers.

(LAUGHTER)
So I'll give you four.

- Oh, I'll take that.
- Two, and then four.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

All right, Paul. You got any more
of these tasks I love so much?

- I sure do, Jeremy Wells,
and this task I find very relatable
because it lacks direction.

(INQUISITIVE MUSIC)

Hello, Laura.
- Hello, Paul.

- It's good to see you, man,
as always.

- Paul, why do you throw
this shit on the floor?

- I―I placed it there.

(DRONE BUZZES DISTANTLY)

- There's a drone up there.
- Yep.

We're filming this for TV.
- Ooh!
(LAUGHTER)

- Spies. (LAUGHS)

- 'Starting on the mat,...

- '...walk north the average length
of a female blue whale.
Then walk east...

- '...the height (LAUGHS) of three
double-decker buses,...' OK.

- '...then south-west
half the height of the Beehive,...

- '...then east the height
of six Steven Adam,...'

- Adamses.
- Adamses.

- '...then impale
your umbrella into the ground.

- 'Closest to the correct location
wins. You have seven minutes.

- 'Your time starts now.' (LAUGHS)

- Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- You don't look happy about this,
Laura. I can't think why.

- (CHUCKLES) You're about
to find out.
(LAUGHTER)

- Would you like to see
someone try it?
- Love to.

- She lives in West Auckland
and he's from the South Island.
Here's Urzila and David.

- I have no idea about direction. I
lose my car coming out of the mall.

- Can I choose where north
is going to be?

- What do you mean?
- Can I― Can this be north?
(LAUGHTER)

- I have no idea where I am.

- This is the Taskmaster house.
- You are no help...

- OK.
- ...whatsoever.
- OK. Sorry.

(LAUGHTER)

- Aesthetically, you'd think
that would be north, right?
Just for the shot.

The average length of a
female blue whale ― let's say 30m.
One, two, three....

- I don't know where
the sun's going.
(LAUGHTER)

I can't look at the sun.

- Come, Paul.

I mean, I don't need you for it.
I just think it'd be nice
if you're with me.

- The height of six...
Steven Adams'.

- He'd be taller than me, for sure.
(LAUGHTER)

Ooh, God. It's like a...

LAUGHS: a mission just to get it in.
Is that the actual challenge?

- I think as long as you've made
a hole and tried to stick it in...

- Is that your policy, is it?
(LAUGHTER)

As long as you've tried to stick it
in, that's all good? (LAUGHS)

- Stopped the clock.
- Yeah. Stop the clock.

- Thank you, Urzila.
- No, you're welcome.

- Thank you, David.
- I'll catch you in a bit.

(APPLAUSE)

- Even in the most basic
orienteering-style task,

Urzila cannot help but
sexually bully Paul Williams.

- He sets himself up for it.
(LAUGHTER)

- David, licking your finger
to look for north.
(LAUGHTER)

- I was actually pointing in
the direction of north that time.

- But where you just pointed
was definitely south.

(LAUGHTER)
- Shit! (GRUNTS)
- So, in terms of distance,

David was 10.52m off.

- Whoa!
- And Urzila ― 6.06m.

- Oh!
- Yes.
- Not bad.

Knowing which way north was
was quite a crucial part
of this, obviously.

- Yeah, I think so.
- Cos setting off in
the right direction,

you would think that's
quite an important part of it.
- (SNICKERS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Let's what some more people
have a crack at it, shall we?
- (LAUGHS) No!

- (EXCLAIMS, GROANS)
- Sure thing, Jeremy Wells.

One of them is the height
of a common antelope,

and the other is the height
of 1.2 common antelopes.

Here's Laura and Guy.
(LAUGHTER)

- Paul,...

have you got a compass?
- Yes.

- Could I please borrow it?
- OK.

- Thank you.

- Do you have a compass?
- Yeah.

- Oh, great. OK.

How do you read a compass, Paul?
(LAUGHTER)

- The red points to north usually.

You've get five minutes
and 10 seconds.
- OK. I'm going to start walking.

1m, 2m,...
(LAUGHTER)

10m. Dammit. It's not gonna work.

- I'm not really enjoying
this compass.

- Why is that?

- Well, part of it might be
I've never used a compass before.
(LAUGHTER)

- LAURA, ON VIDEO: Why does
that thing keep moving?
- PAUL: What do you mean?

- It saying― It said
that was north before,
and now it's saying that's west.

- Right.

- Both of those things
can't be true.

- Three double-decker buses.

One,...

two,...

- Is this a faulty compass?
- It could be.

(LAUGHTER)
- South-west,
half the height of the Beehive.

Are you sure it's the red arrow
I'm supposed to follow?

- Well, yeah. Usually on a compass,
that points to north.

- How am I going for time?
- You've got 100 seconds.

- I'm just going to have to go and
put this on the fringes of the grass
here and hope for the best.

- (PANTS, SOBS)
I don't know how to do this!
- You've got 45 seconds.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Three, two,

one,...

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
- Here.

- This feels really bad.
- Why is that?

- My fear is everyone else
knows how to use a compass.
- Right.

- And now everyone knows
I don't know how to use a compass.
(LAUGHTER)

- Who writes measurements in whales?
- Taskmaster.

- Nerds.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Oh my God!
(APPLAUSE)

- Paul, did you give them
a broken compass?
- I might have. I―

The issue is I always keep my
compass on me, because you never
know when you'll need it,

but I do keep it in
the same pocket as my magnet,...
(LAUGHTER)

which I don't know
is great for the compass.
- Oh.

- Um, so, in terms of distance,
these two were incredibly close.

Guy ― 30.97m.
(LAUGHTER)

Laura ― 30.57m.

- Mm. OK. We've got more people
wandering around aimlessly
with umbrellas when we return.

We'll be back a third of the amount
of time a dolphin can hold
its breath underwater.

We'll see you very soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where our five comedians are trying
their darndest to win Matt Heath's
urinal cake kebab.

Right now we're doing some
orienteering, aren't we, Paul?
- That is correct.

The contestants are attempting to
navigate their way around a field

using all the standard
measurements ― whales, buses,
beehives and Steven Adamses.

- I suppose we have to watch Matt
do this as well, do we?
- It's the rules, I'm afraid.

- Which way is north?
- I can't say.

- (DAVID SNORTS, LAUGHS)
- What's that telling you?

- Do you know which way
the wind's going today?

- No.
- CHUCKLES: That doesn't help me.

Well, don't people
wanna have north-facing houses?

So I'm gonna say that maybe
that house there has been
placed facing north.

- OK.

- I guess I just have to go
with that cos I've got no idea.

You gonna come with me?
- Yeah.

- Is this one of the things
where the umbrella is just
where it was at the start?

- What do you mean?
- (CHUCKLES)

Do you know what I'm gonna do,
because... I reckon it's here.

And I reckon that it's one of
those trick things where it is
where it started,

cos, you know, that's the
kind of thing you guys do.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(LAUGHTER)
- OK, thank you, Matt.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)

- You've been thinking
there was a trick in every task
so far this series.

- Yeah. I still feel like
there has been a trick
that I've missed in every one,

and I still haven't worked them out,
but that one I worked out.

- His end distance was 37cm,
which is pretty close.

That would mean one point for Guy,
two points for Laura,
three points for David,

four points for Urzila,
five points for Matt Heath.
- Yes!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right. It is
scoreboard o'clock, Paul.

What are the current standings
for this ep?

- Out in the lead with 14 points,
Matt Heath.

- Yes!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Let's head straight back
into a new task, please, Paul.

- Very well, Jeremy Wells.
This one goes out to all the lovers.

(INQUISITIVE CIRCUS MUSIC)

- Where is that little nerd?
(LAUGHTER)

- Hi, Paul.
- Hello, David.

- Oh, crikey.

'Take Paul on the perfect
first date.'

- 'Most romantic first date wins.'

- 'Paul will be ready to be
picked up for the date...'

- '...in 20 minutes.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

- This sort of opportunity
only comes around once.

(LAUGHTER)

- It'll never work, Paul!
You're not my type.
- OK. Sorry.

- This is stressful.
Thought I finished dating.

- 18 minutes. Be ready.
Wear something nice!

- OK.
- Low cut.

(APPLAUSE)

- You'd be a charming
date partner, Urzila.

- Paul loved it ―
look at his little face.

(LAUGHTER)
- Did you love it?

- I don't know.
(LAUGHTER)

- He loved it!
- Yeah, I think he loved it.

- He was this far from saying,
'Spank me, mummy.'
(LAUGHTER)

- Let's just play the task. Come on.
- OK, here are my side pieces,
Matt and David.

(WHEELBARROW CLUNKS,
WATER RUNS LOUDLY)

- Fuck!
(LAUGHTER)

(PANTS)

(PHONE RINGS)

- Hello?
- Hey, baby.

Um, go follow the flowers outside.

- OK. See ya.
- Bye.

(RELAXED MUSIC)

(FRANTIC MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

- (PANTS)

(WHEELBARROW CLANGS)

- So I made some, um, red milk.

- Thank you.
- Cheers.

- Might be a bit presumptuous,
and I don't want you to do anything
you don't want to do, but, um...

just thought we could have a bath.

- Uh, if you feel uncomfortable
at all, just tell me and I can
be accommodating.

- OK.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, Jesus! (EXHALES)

- (EXHALES)

- It's cold. Really, I kinda...

There's no hot tap
for the garden hose.

- H-H-How have you found me?

Has it been fun?
- Yeah, I've liked it.

- Do you feel― Do you feel
comfortable around me?
- Yeah.

- (STRUMS GUITAR FRANTICALLY)
# Paul. Paul. Paul!

# Paul! #

- Would you be up for a second date?
- I think so.

- Thank you.
- OK, thank you.
- Thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Got a second date. Yeah!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, Matt, usually,
do you pour a cold outdoor bath,
take off your pants,

and hop in in your undies
on your first dates?

Is that something
that you normally do?

- Yeah, I am single. Um...
(LAUGHTER)

I'm really struggling to get to that
second date, you know what I mean?

- Paul is not done dating
all the hot babes and daddies
that sit before us.

There's more right after this.
We'll see you very soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's the second-to-last episode,
and we have suddenly become
a dating show.

Paul, what is happening?

- I've been taken on dates by Matt
and David, but I'm not quite ready
to commit to anybody just yet.

I'm still playing the field.

- Who is left to try
to impress you with a date?
- Here's Laura and Urzila.

- HIGH-PITCHED: # I'm coming! #
- (DAVID LAUGHS)

- Hey, Paul. You ready for our date?

- You like basketball, right?
- May be my favourite sport.

- Could you show me
how to do a three-pointer?
- Um, OK.

- I think you need to
come behind me to do it.
- OK.

OK.
- Should I―?

- You keep moving backwards.
- Well, I just― I don't know,
I'm just―

- OK.

(LAUGHTER)

- Is there anything more special
on a date than truly
getting to know yourself?

You've got to love you, Paul.

Now, paddle out.

I've gotta get to my cocktail, mate.

- Need a bit of guidance here.
- OK, with this hand, just flick,
and hand in the hole.

(THUD!)

- Do you wanna
do something else now?
- OK.

Would you say this
is a perfect date?

- Yeah, I reckon. Not too clingy
from me. Enough space.

- Hope someone's hungry.
Well, as they say in Italia,
(CHUCKLES) bon appetit.

Oh, oh.

- Wh-What are you doing?
You're stealing my one.

- Oh no, it's―
it's just whichever one goes...

- Or you can have it.
- No, no. No― you―
I want you to have it.

- Here, I got you a juice.

(LAUGHTER)

Not all relationships
work out great.

- It's quite hard.

(PASTA SQUEAKS)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, EXCLAIMS)

- Did you get any of that?

- I think you kinda sucked it out.
- Quite gross in reality.

- It looked better
when the dogs did it.

- Thank you, Urzila.

- Leave me alone, Paul.
- OK.

- So clingy. God!
(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Wow, Urzila, that's...
so romantic ―

sending your date partner out on
a kayak into the middle of a pond
filled with sewerage,

throwing bits of fruit at them.

- That was a juice that
I sent out his way.
It's not my fault he can't catch.

- Laura, that's the second time
you've tried to Lady and Tramp
someone in this series.

- Sorry, 'tried to'?Successfully
Lady and the Tramp'd someone.

I'm a little bit disappointed
that you didn't show everything
I did on the date.

We did basketball, board games.
- The board game wasn't hugely fun.

- Yeah, but―
- She went up to cook pasta
while I played one-person chess.

(LAUGHTER)

- All right, who is left to win
your heart, Paul, and therefore my
heart, and therefore fivepoints?

- His name rhymes with, 'You're
the apple of my eye, Montgomery.'

It's the apple of my Guy Montgomery.
(LAUGHTER)

- Would you like to come
on a whirlwind adventure?
- Yes, please.

- Welcome to beautiful
Miami, Florida.

- Green screen.

- Miami, Florida.

Feeling thirsty, my dear?
- Uh, yes.

- Allow me to mix you
a non-alcoholic pina colada.

Tell me a little about yourself.
- I'm Paul.

- Interesting.
(LAUGHTER)

I love that about you.

Cheers.
(CLINK!)

- It's yum.
- Mm. I knew you'd like it.

- Pineapple is my
second favourite fruit.

- After what?
- Strawberries.

- Well you're gonna love
what I have in store for you next.
Close your eyes.

Imagine a strawberry.
Now open them again.

So we've come to Barcelona to watch
one of the great football teams
play football against...

your favourite team.

- Fulham.
- LAUGHS: Fulham FC.

Goal!

To Fulham!
They've won the Champions League.
- Stoked with that.

- And what better way to celebrate
being in Barcelona, Spain,

than drinking one of their
iconic national drinks?

A pina colada.

Welcome to gay Paris,

beneath the lights of
the Eiffel Tower,
designed by Mr Eiffel himself.

I propose a toast.

And what better way to celebrate
than the national drink of France?
(LAUGHTER)

The remnants of a pina colada.

(ROMANTIC JAZZ MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

- (URZILA LAUGHS)

- (CHUCKLES)

- (SNORTS)

I'm sorry.
- It's OK.

(LAUGHTER)

- Hello.

- (URZILA LAUGHS LOUDLY)

- Just wanted to see you up close.

- Is that the date?
- That's all I had prepared, yeah.

- OK.
- We could green screen
you up a cab.

- Yes, please.
- Taxi!

(LAUGHTER)

There he goes.

(LAUGHTER)

He's gonna make an honest man
out of me.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- You seemed to be quite taken
by that date.

- Obviously incredible to see
Fulham win the Champions League.

- He was genuinely buzzing from that
for the rest of the date.

- I'm thinking one for Urzila.
- (SIGHS)

- I think two points for Matt.
(LAUGHTER)

David, three points for you.

Four points for Laura,
and, Guy, five points for you,

because that looked
genuinely romantic.

I suppose you've got another task
for us, do you, Paul?

- I do, and for this one, I'd like
to give a special bonjour and ciao
to our viewers in Parisand Milan,

because this task
is all about fashion.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

- Gidday, Paul.

- Hello, Laura.
- Hello.

- How are you?
- Good, thank you.

- Feel like I'm gonna get some
points on the board here.

- 'Don this tie
and leave the room,...

- '...then re-enter the room
wearing the tie in a brand new way.

- 'Most innovative
tie adornment wins.

- 'You must return
within 10 minutes.

- 'Your time starts now.'
So I take it?
- Yes, please.

- Fantastic. I love fashion.

- I'll be back.

- Bye, Laura.
- Covergirl!

(APPLAUSE)

- How many new ways can there
possibly be to wear a tie?

- According to my notes,
four brand new ways

and one way that's very similar
to one of the other four ways.

- OK, who should we check out first?
- If I had to pick who was first,
it would be a tie.

Here's everybody. It's Matt, Urzila,
David, Laura, and Guy.

Is that a hair band?
- Yes.

And matching laces.
(LAUGHTER)

- Is that a necktie―
- Edward Tiehands!

(LAUGHTER)

How innovative.

- Gidday. Which pony will you
be bidding on, Paul?

Hope it's not my pony.
(LAUGHTER)

- So it's a hat?
- Uh-huh, for the races.

- Hello, David.
- Hello.

(LAUGHTER)

- Is that the tie?
- Yeah.

Do you like it?

- And he's still wearing a tie?
- Well, yeah, because
that's the thing.

I've still managed to get
full usage of the tie.

- You know, normally at the races,
if you go to shit? I'm ready.

- That looks like
you've just painted that one on.

- Oh, this one?
- Yeah.
Yeah, I painted this one.

No, the real tie's here.

(SHOCKED LAUGHTER)

- OK.
- Is everything inside?

- I'm not looking.
- I'm not looking either.

- This is a real victory
for Kiwi innovation.

- That actually looks stunning
on you.
- Thank you.

- Can you get them
to blur the pubes out?

Because if I move,
it might fall out the side.

(LAUGHTER)

- OK.

(RAPTUROUS LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Do you like this?

(LAUGHTER)

- No.

- Pleasure.

- You wanna blow your whistle?
- If you want me to.

- Just give us all a bit of closure.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Thank you, Guy.

- I'm not going to walk sideways.
(CHUCKLES)

- OK.
- I'm going to walk like this.

- Thank you, David.
- Thank you.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Beautiful outfits from everybody.
I hope they let you keep them.

Edward Tiehands. What could he do
with ties on his hands?

- Hmm. Not a lot.
- Say 'tidy up.'

- Oh! He cantie-dyup.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
- (CHUCKLES)
- GUY: Booooooo!

- She slipped me that joke!
- That's pretty good.
You didn't sell it.

- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- Do it again. OK, let's do this.

Let's do this.
- OK.

- WHISPERS: Say,
'What every woman wants.' Do that.

- Oh!
- OK. OK. Ask him again.

- Edward Tiehands.
What can Edward Tiehands do?

- What every woman wants.

He can tidy up.
- Yeah!
(APPLAUSE)

- What every woman wants.
- Yeah, OK. You've made it creepy.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, I thought you were
going to say something sexual
and I was going to get a goodlaugh.

- Why?!
- Because every other joke
you've made is sexual,

and then you give me one and you
don't give me the sexual material.
- No, but I can get awaywith that,

but you can't.
- Give me a sex―
Give me a sexual one.

- It's creepy.
I don't want to do it. No. No!
(LAUGHTER)

- Speaking of creepy,...
- (POPS LIPS)

- ...Guy.
(LAUGHTER)

And good commitment from you
as well, David.

- One track mind. 10 minutes isn't
too long. Body on the line.

Tie on the body. Bing, bang, bong.
(LAUGHTER)

- Bing bang schlong, you mean?
(LAUGHTER)

- See? You save all your
good sexual stuff for yourself.
(LAUGHTER)

- You wouldn't have
delivered that right.

- He just would have
fucked it up, right?

- Bing bang schlong!
(LAUGHTER)

- I think, Matt, you deserve five
points for your tie hands.
- Yes!

- I think Urzila, you should have
four points for your hat.
- I'll take it.

- Three points for you, David,
for your two-ties nudity,

two for your nudity
with the loincloth and the pubes
coming out the side, Guy,

and one point for you, Laura.
- What?!

- Because it looked too good.
(LAUGHTER)
- Are you fucking kidding me?

- We will be back...
(LAUGHTER)

with more task-based action...
- What the― (STAMMERS)

- ...on this penultimate
episode of Taskmaster series two.
We will see you very soon. Watch it.

- (DAVID LAUGHS)
I'm so sorry, Laura!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

*

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- We've reached the final part of
the ninth episode of Taskmaster.

In moments, one of our contestants
will be drowning themselves in
petrol

that looks like yummy juice live on
that stage right there.

But first, Paul, what does our
scoreboard look like right now?

- With a big lead on 21 points,

Matt Heath.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- It's a great night for it.

We're really looking forward to this
final live task. Let's do it.

Everyone head up on to the stage.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

As my old landlord used to say,
'Let's cut the crap and get down
to business, mother.'

(LAUGHTER)

Do you want to assign a reader,
please, Paul?

- Guy Montgomery,
could you please read this task?

- READS: 'In your teams,
recreate famous scenes from
NZ history for the Taskmaster.

'Once the task master has correctly
guessed your famous scene,
you may recreate another.

'You may only speak
in four-letter words.

'Most scenes correctly guessed
in 150 seconds wins.'

- Your team will be going first.
I'll show you the iconic
New Zealand moment.

You can act, you can talk,
but only if you're talking
with four-letter words.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

- Free!

(LAUGHTER)

- Atom bomb.

- Rutherford splitting the atom.

Nuclear-free New Zealand.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes.

(LAUGHTER)

- Snap vote.

- Oh, Muldoon announcing
the snap election.

- Correct.
(APPLAUSE)

- Oh, Hillary climbing Everest.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Tries!

(LAUGHTER)

- The Rugby World Cup?

- Kirk.
- 1987 Rugby World Cup.

(APPLAUSE)

- Three-way handshake.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Five seconds.
- The domino effect?

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

- (APPLAUSE)
- What was that?

- Hone Heke.

- I should've said...
- Flag pole. Hone Heke.

We should have literally said
Hone Hoke flag pole, but...
- We should've said...

(LAUGHTER)

- Well done, the three friends.

URZILA: Yeah, good job.

God, I hope you know your history.
I don't know shit about New Zealand.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Oh shit.

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

- AJ Hackett jumping off
the Eiffel Tower.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Rowan Brassey bowling?

Oh, the underarm.

(APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

- Miss.

- Oh, Lorraine Downes,
Miss Universe 1983.

(APPLAUSE)

- Sign.

- Treaty of Waitangi.

(APPLAUSE)

- (SIGHS)
- (LAUGHS)

- Ship.

- Jenny Shipley becoming the
first female Prime Minister
of New Zealand.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Dave. Riot.

- Queen Street riot.

(APPLAUSE)

- King wins.

- Oh, Lord of the Rings
wins 11 Oscars.
- Yeah, yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

- Oh.

Vote.

- Women getting the vote, 1893.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- 10 seconds.

- The penguin?

- (BLOWS WHISTLE)
- (APPLAUSE)
- What was that?

- Dolphin. Opo the dolphin.

- Opo the... That was a dolphin?!

- Yeah. Yeah.
- (LAUGHTER)

- Shit we're good.
- Yeah.

- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right, come on down.
Let's judge it.

Our historians,
welcome back on to the stage.

I really enjoyed that task, Paul.
So what are the final scores on it?

- So the three friends,
they finished with five,

except for one of those, they did
use the word 'tries', which is
five letters.

- OK.

- Oh, so you're fucking
autocorrect over here now?

- (LAUGHTER)

- If we're disqualifying the rugby
one, then they've got a total of
four.

- OK.
- The team of two, a total of eight.

(EXCLAIMING)

(APPLAUSE)

- OK. Seeing as there's only two of
you and there's three of you guys,

I think you should've
done better than that.

So you guys can get five points
and you guys can get two points
for that.

(APPLAUSE)

Before we announce our winner,
let's take a look at our series
scoreboard,

with only one episode to go.

- She's still in the lead,
but only by three points ―

145 points, Laura Daniel.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So who is our winner tonight,
Paul?

- He won by a whopping six points,

on 26 points, Matt Heath.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Congratulations, Matt Heath.

A buffet of delicious-looking
and edible goods await you.

It's been a beautiful 60 minutes
spent with you all,

or 0.00126% of the life span
of a blue whale.

(LAUGHTER)

We've thrust umbrellas
into the soil,

forced Paul Williams into adultery,

and invented a brand new
style of fashion ―

97% nudity.

(LAUGHTER)

Best of all, we've found a winner
amidst the chaos, in the form
of Matt Heath!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

We'll see you all at home for
our grand finale next time.

Thanks for your company. Nigh-night.

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(GASPING)

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING)

- The televisual event of the year ―
the grand finale...

- Paul!

...of Taskmaster New Zealand...

- Shit.

...series two.

- No!

(WAILS)

It gets so much worse!
- (LAUGHTER)