Original subtitles

Welcome to Greater Nick Celebrity Intervention.

This is the show where a celebrity comes through that door and faces some cold,

hard truths.

Dished up, of course, with love from me and tonight my co -host, Lawrence

Mooney. Thank you very much.

Thank you, Nick. Good to see you, Lawrence.

I hope you've taken your meds. I have. I've doubled the dose. That should get

through the first half hour at least.

So, before we get to our celebrity tonight, there's a few other people,

and things that need a good hard intervention.

Shall I begin? Let's get intervening. Let's do it. The Governor -General.

Finally!

What a dickhead. What kind of job is that, by the way? You just sit around on

your ass in a big house all day avoiding calls from Prince Andrew.

How hard can it be?

If I had that job, it'd be a reign of terror.

I'd take eight wives and bring back the guillotine. Let's go.

You're all competent.

Right, time for an intervention into algorithms.

I tell you what, for the most part, the algorithm gets it right for me, Mick.

Sure. I love dog videos. I love seeing fat people slip over. But stop telling

there's lonely women in my area. Oh, mate.

I just haven't got time for you all. Plus, I've got seven wives from Ukraine

waiting.

It's all banged up. I've got one for you. The movie Marty Supreme.

Oh, come on. Seriously, is that what the world needs right now? A really gritty

story about the intense nature of table tennis?

It's called ping pong.

Want to know how to win at ping pong? Get there early and get the good bat.

good bat.

That's all you need to know. What about Stranger Things?

Come on.

Come on, kids. It was cute riding those bikes when you were 12, but now it just

looks like me and Moon Man driving around the block.

Hurry up, Moon Man. Vectors, come in.

Come on.

Elvis.

Yeah, the king died in 1977, backing one out on the throne, and he's never gone

away. There's the movie, the documentary, the musical. We've had

Elvis. The impersonators?

Uh -huh.

Got no way out. Just an intervention against Elvis.

I thought that was you backing one out on the throne.

And it's time for hotel rooms.

Hotel rooms? I can't sleep in a room that's got a bar in it, Mick.

I hear you.

I can hear that bottle of wine speaking to me in the middle of the night.

I'm a cabernet laurent. I'm here.

I only cost $17 .50 at Liquorland.

But for you, $163.

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Well said.

All right. Are you ready to get into it? Yes.

Let's do it. Let's do it. Now.

As we know, Glenn is not here. He is out chasing down our celebrity for

tonight's intervention, and he is out there. His job is to bring that

back to this studio under false pretenses using what I describe as a

I love a canny ruse. To trick them into coming back because they don't know

they're going to face the music. So let's cross out to Glenn and see exactly

where he is.

Over there is Sam Pang.

Let's see how we go.

Sam! Fanny!

How are you? What's happening? What are you doing?

Oh, just, you know, having a bit of me time, you know, just by myself.

Fantastic. Mind if I join you?

Of course not. Great.

You brought your own cue.

Oh, yeah. The Excalibur.

Oh, yeah. This little baby, when she goes off, she goes off.

Oh, nice shot. Do you mind if I have a go? Of course not, mate. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Watch this little baby go just like this.

Oh, that's the worst shot I've ever seen.

Well, is it? Yeah.

Have a look at the shot I left you, my friend.

11 ball, corner pocket, impossible.

11 ball, corner pocket, goes in, pants down, two laps. I will not be dropping

pants.

Pants down.

Ball went in, pants down.

Can you take me home?

Seriously. I know I've got to get my pants.

I don't feel good.

No, no, no. I've got to go home.

Did you say home or the home?

Because after four, you'll have missed dinner.

It's got to top an intervention right here in the room. Now, it might take

a while to get back here, of course, because, well, Glenn's got a waddle to

car. Yeah. And I think the tunnel's chockers, but... Oh, hang on. I'm

They're here now. Who knew?

Take a look at the sound pack.

I am... Whoa!

He's been rocking.

He's got his pants down already.

What's up?

Nice to see you, man.

Sorry to do that to you. How are you feeling?

I am very, very excited.

But there's also, I'm not going to lie, a mild sense of peril.

It's going to be fine. All you have to remember is we're here for you. Yeah.

we love you. And this is harder on us than it is on you.

So everything that comes your way tonight comes with love and affection.

But this has been a long time coming, hasn't it? I hope that you can make

yourself a better person because right now...

It's a bit of a mess.

Anything you'd like to say? I'd like to say, so, you know, I love this man. I

love this man. The idea that... Well, what, nothing for me?

People think you're passive -aggressive. The idea that it feels as though an

intervention is based on you caring about someone more than yourself.

So, therefore, if it's you, I reject the whole premise of this issue.

And this is exactly what we're talking about.

See, he's lashing out already. I know, I'm sorry. This is what we've got to get

across. Let's get straight into it. There's a lot of ground to cover

But let's start with one that's fairly obvious.

You're a shithouse actor.

You are.

No, you are. And you know you are.

And there's no getting around it. You're okay at other things. But at acting

itself, had someone who hired you for a role that was supposed to be ongoing but

only lasted one episode,

..was your very good friend who hired you in Fisk. Kitty Flanagan, she

be here tonight, but she did leave you this message.

Yeah, I know I'm on record as having trashed Sam Pang's acting, but I think I

have to take some responsibility. I was a first -time director and I would do

things differently now.

I would definitely use a filter just to try and get some life back in...

to those dead eyes.

I remember when our editor called me and she said, God, this is like being in

the fish market. I said, why is there a stink coming from the screen?

She said, no, it's just these cold, dead eyes just screaming at me from the

screen. I would maybe shoot him just from the neck down. I think it would

alleviate a lot of the problems.

And always seat it.

Don't get him to walk. That is a recipe for disaster.

It can't walk properly.

But, yeah, my fault. We asked him to do too much. We asked him to walk and talk,

look, at the same time, just separately, but even that was too much.

Wow. There it is.

That hurts.

That's got to hurt.

How do you feel when you see Kitty? Firstly, it's not a massive surprise

Kitty's not here tonight. I mean, obviously, that RSL in Wagga's not going

fill itself with them.

But...

You're laughing out again.

You're laughing out again. I'm just defending myself.

It's fine for Kitty to say that, but now I suppose I've got the right of reply.

And she was a terrible director.

Well, you're blaming her for your wooden performance.

Well, not just her, the script, which she wrote.

But, yeah, no, look.

Why don't we take a look at one of the scenes? I think that's a good idea.

not interesting.

And I requested a quiet ride.

One star.

What do you make of that?

I believed it. I believed it. Have you ever gotten out of a car before?

No. Because it looks like you've got a spinal fusion there.

And that was your big scene.

That took about 12 takes.

It took a long time. I'm not surprised. But also, I'm concerned with your reign.

We've had a look at some of your acting, and it seems you go for the same thing

every time. Let's have a look.

Because here you are happy, and this is you grieving, excited, and ecstatic.

I'll defend myself.

I think I've got more range than you think. All right, you ready?

I'm going to do some acting. Are you ready for this?

Camera one. Ready? Okay, watch this.

Happy. Do you know what that is? No.

That's me acting like I'm having a good time.

You know what? I believed that. I know, thank you. That's the first bit of

acting you've done on board. Well, also, acting is... A wonderful actor,

Lawrence, an underrated actor who should be used more. Have you seen Cracker

Jack lately?

What do you mean? Because I saw it recently. There's so much loved

classic. Without dispute, but your performance in that, you got out -acted

couple of lawnmowers.

Well... I am lashing out now.

No, it's all part of it. It's all part of it. Now, Glenn was in the same

and Glenn's character was only supposed to go one episode, but they saw what he

was doing and went, we need more of that. Yeah, I had to play a guy who did

paintings with his penis.

And, look, you can laugh.

But as a fellow actor, Lawrence, you would know that is a hell of a

to be able to capture a character like that. I love this piece of acting so

much. I'd love to have a look at it, actually. Yeah, please.

Keep your eyes... And tell me, Dean, what medium are you working with?

I prefer acrylics. Oh, yes, of course.

You're not only rinsing that brush of yours in turpentine, are you?

Just going to do your eyes now.

And...

Wow. Wow.

I want to say, Glenn, the juxtaposition of the archetype, I mean, it's so bleak

and yet naive. But a word of warning, never get Glenn to do your face

I don't want to see you do the roof of the 16th Chapel, either, if you don't

mind. Now, why don't we watch you in an earlier piece, working with the Master.

The two of you, very early on, did a scene together in what? What was the...?

Cane and Disabled, it was called. It was actually for the 2012 Paralympic Games.

It was a way to demystify disability, and we did a comedy about it. It was ten

short episodes. There's just no way it would be commissioned today. No, not at

all.

Not a chance. Every episode highlighted a Paralympian, and so they were a guest

on the show, and they loved it. Let's take a look at the two of you in action.

Purple.

Hey. Poor girl.

Mmm, purple.

She wouldn't even be able to tell the purple ones.

Oh, that is good acting.

That is good acting.

That is good acting.

You've been out -acted by a jelly bean.

You were brilliant.

Thank you. That was a tour de force. Bring on the flounder. Well done.

Absolutely.

Oh, look at this.

Well done.

You,

nothing.

I'd like to thank Brian Katzenberg and everyone at the Academy.

He's got the orchestra.

We're going to a break. We'll come back with more. Thank you, Australia.

Intervention with Sam Pang in just a moment, everyone.

Welcome back to Greater Mix Celebrity Intervention with Lawrence Moody and Sam

Pang facing the music, answering some hard questions. How do you feel it's

going? Well, I think it's going okay. I think we got through the first bit.

Thank you for addressing some of the things that I was unaware of. Bad

Let's now address another elephant in the room. You're a giant nerd.

Or a big nerd.

No, you are. And not many people know about this. Tell us about your unhealthy

relationship with dolls.

In particular, wrestling dolls.

We've got a few... See, look at that.

You might have picked the wrong audience tonight.

They're all in this. What's going on?

These are yours, and you still play with them. Firstly, they're not dolls.

They're figurines.

Some would say action figures. Depends how you play with them. But these... Can

I... These are just a selection. They're what I call the greatest contraception

known to man.

Are you excited, girls?

Seeing a grown man play with his wrestling doll. Sam, Sam, point to where

doll women have never touched yet.

Please. What have you got there? These are very different to the ones you have,

Lawrence. These are not inflatable.

So these are when I was a younger man. No, when I was a teenager.

I used to like the wrestling, and I had this window from about 1985 to 1990

where I was all in, and this was part of it. I mean, you'd get figurines. Who

you got there?

I've got, this is my favorite ever wrestler. Here we go. This was the

Magnificent Morocco.

All right, have a look at him. He was from Sunset Beach, Hawaii.

I know where they came from. So this, by the way, the Magnificent Morocco was

managed by Mr. Fuji.

I really liked Mr. Fuji because to help the magnificent Morocco sometimes, he

would throw salt in the opponent's eyes when the referee wasn't looking. And

what really stood out to me... If you're just tuning in now, we are interviewing

a very sad man.

So, Mr.

Fuji, go on.

I'm all ears.

Not only... It wasn't just... The salt that he would throw in the magnificent

Morocco's eyes wasn't just any salt. It was...

According to the commentator, Asian salt.

So that stood out for me.

Of course.

Chicken salt would surely work. This is George the Animal Steel. Who's that bad

boy? He was, like,

crazy. And then this is my one of them. This is Jake the Snake Roberts, right?

And he, look, I actually got the snake.

Careful, Glennie.

Glennie, you'll start painting with this if you get down.

Was the snake sold separately? Look at that.

So he would, when he defeated his opponent with the DDT, which is a

move, he would then put the snake, drape it over the opponent. And, yeah, that's

why I was a virgin. The rest is history. That's why I was a virgin until 25.

I don't see why that would be included in an intervention.

Well, I'll tell you why it is, because when Jake the Snake heard we were doing

this tonight, he wanted to be involved.

Who cares? He cares about you. This is actually Jake the Snake. He had this

message. Sandwich come to this, brother.

And you're playing around with things you shouldn't be playing with. And you

know what I'm talking about.

I'm going to give you some hard truth here. And it's going to hurt me more

it's going to hurt you. We all love wrestling, but time comes in a man's

when he has to give up his wrestling figurines.

You know what I'm saying?

Wow. Wow.

Wow. You move.

He's tearing up. He's tearing up. I am. Can I just say, Jake's taken time out

from his own intervention.

He hasn't aged well, has he? He's only 35 years old.

But this is just the tip of the nerd -burgling iceberg.

What? You also, you're into something even worse. Oh, boy. And this is tough.

You're into calligraphy.

I know.

We're not making that up. We're not making it up. You actually did a

course.

Calm down, girls. Calm down.

I could have pushed your virginity out to the early 30s.

Yes, that is true.

This actually makes that seem more sane. That's cool. I don't say I've got great

penmanship, but I enjoy writing.

And to the point where I was so interested a while ago, I enrolled in a

-week... calligraphy course and there was two types of uh kind of fonts that

teacher said that we're going to do over the next week true story and it was a

gothic textura and italics they were the two ones and i read this is what i

remember i remember sitting down doing it and in the next building with big

windows you could see out in the next building there was a pole dancing class

which was mildly distracting

And I remember... They would have been safe as houses from the television.

There's the weird guy with the dolls.

And I remember, like I said, the first class, the teacher said, we're going to

do the alphabet in this font.

And because of the pole dancing class, it took me about three classes to write

the letter A.

It was very... I kept on looking over there and... We've got an example of

work. Yeah, let's have a look at it.

It doesn't look that good, really, does it? There's a very famous piece from

Teddy Roosevelt. Tell us about this, Sam.

Why don't you tell us about it? No,

it's a famous quote, yeah, that he said a long time ago, and I think I just

wrote it out once in a notebook, and there it is. Like I said, I don't think

it's the greatest thing.

Oh, calm down. You're really starting to get something that I like to do. Glad

you did a bit of thinking. By the way, what is your role on this show?

What are you supposed to be doing?

I don't... He lures you in. He lures you in with a can of beer.

Well, it's funny you should say that, Sam. It's funny you should say that,

Your name's in the title. It's like I'm sitting next to a hologram. Can you do

something? Glenn, you could do better calligraphy with your penis.

No, I don't want to do it. No, you can.

I don't want to show him up.

You have done it. Come on, show us what you've done. All right, I'll do

something. I'll do something.

I'll do something quickly. How about I do a portrait of Sam? Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah,

well, it's...

Sam's

got a... This is very quick, by the way. Sorry, I'm just getting rid of the duh.

I'll just do your eye.

There you go.

Look, I'm... I'm pretty happy with that, so have a look at that. All right.

This is not brushed with paint.

That's amazing.

Thank you very much. Oh, no, well, it's just off the top of my head, but anyway.

Wow.

Now, we've also got some other... Hold on a sec, Nicky.

25 minutes and you've finally got one off. That's great.

Unbelievable. Yeah, we've noticed some antisocial behaviour from you.

Largely when we're away together on something we like to do and they're

golf trips.

Yeah, it's something that I noticed in our photo. There's something wrong with

you. You don't like... Photo.

Well, you don't... You don't like touching other people.

Here's an example.

Watch this.

Stiff arms. Stiff arms. Don't touch anybody. Show the next one.

You look like a make -a -wish kid.

You look like you've won some prize to hang out with normal people. When I am

a golf trip, often when we run into people, they do think that the other

have purchased the round of golf in an auction.

And so I feel like I'm just giving them what they want. That's all.

And you should be happy some of those courses allow you on the course.

Historically. That is true. Luckily, my uncle owns most of them.

Look, we have been on a couple of trips together.

They're wonderful. I love them. You do exciting things. And sometimes you do

things that are so memorable that you just go, that is incredible.

I don't know whether you remember, but we organised a helicopter trip in New

Zealand for Mick. It was bucket list stuff for me. We were excited. And were

excited? Yep. You were. Let's find out.

It's so easy to nod off to the relaxing hum of the chopper blades, isn't it?

No, you missed out.

That's exactly how I watched Sam Peng tonight.

It really is. It's just fantastic.

We're going to take a break. You're doing well. You're doing really well.

with more Sam Peng in just a moment.

I really like what you're doing here. Welcome back to Glenn and Nick's

Intervention with Lawrence Moody. Sam answering the hard questions. I think

you're going well. Do you think he's going okay, everybody?

I think we're making a lot of headway. Someone who was keen to get involved but

she couldn't come here tonight because she's on the set of her latest show.

Let's cross out to Ursula.

Sam Pang, is that even his real name? That just sounds like, oh, yeah, I'm a

cool guy, and I'll take all your jobs. And he does. He comes in, he takes all

our jobs. He's not even qualified for them.

Eurovision, he hates music. He's always on about music needs to be less, less

tune -y and stuff. He hates joy.

And then he's on that quiz show, and he hates Tom.

Meanwhile, the rest of us have to keep our day jobs, and we're fighting for our

lives here. I'm fighting for other people's lives.

Andy to Ursula, Andy to Ursula, this is your sixth break this hour.

All right, well, there's a bit to unpack there.

So you mentioned a couple of things.

Eurovision, what the hell were you doing hosting Eurovision on behalf of this

nation? Well, I loved it. It was like 2009 to 2016 with Julius and Miro.

We were both sent over there for SBS to cover Eurovision, which is very, very

popular back in Australia.

Let's take a look at some of your work.

Welcome to the 2013 Eurovision final from Malmo.

I can hear them turning on the wind machines as we speak. Well, come on,

get to the comments we've read. It's about to start.

Happy Eurovision, Australia. Here we go.

I'm ready.

Wow.

Do we need to talk about your goatee?

There was a definite goatee phase there.

How did you smuggle that through?

I did have to declare it.

What were your favourite countries?

They're all great, Nick.

I did realise, whoever won, they get to host it. And I remember the first one in

Russia, because we were in the commentary booth, but we'd also go

And I remember it was really, really tense backstage, especially after the

Russian contestant invaded the Ukraine dressing room.

And then whoever won, that's where they went. So I ended up in Azerbaijan and

all these countries that I thought I would never go to.

But there was a time when I, because we were commentating and then we would go

backstage, which was kind of exciting, and talk to the contestants. But by

the fifth or sixth one, I was really... Bored shitless?

I just think I'd had enough. And I think my last ever question backstage was to

the contestant from Azerbaijan, where I asked her, how did you think that

Azerbaijan had handled the transition to a market economy?

The mind just came in. It was a panic. There was like a red dot on my head. It

was just like,

okay, that's when I know I'm done. All right. Now, we also mentioned quiz shows

in there. Who ever thought that a quiz show based around history would ever be

any good?

No one ever said.

You had a show called ADBC. It rolls off the tongue, doesn't it? Yep. Let's take

a look at some of your work. Hi, I'm Sam Pang, and welcome to ADBC.

Tonight, we'll be busting out the dance moves of history.

HG Wells believes that history was a race between education and catastrophe.

So let's kick the tires and bust the juco. Tonight, I'll be guiding two teams

through the tumultuous waters of the past.

Some of those shirts are a mess.

Are you okay, Glenn? Sorry, those shirts are killing me. I just got some drops

in my eyes. Look at that one.

What do you remember about ADBC?

ADBC was my first ever television show. I was on SBS.

His voice is quivering a little bit.

Well, it was a big moment because it was like my first time on television and it

was like 26 episodes.

It wasn't overly successful, but I, you know. Well said. One sec.

One season, and it started on Thursday nights at 8 .30, prime time on SBS1.

you go. This is your big break. Then very quickly, no one was watching, and

it moved to like Monday nights at about 10, and then they started cutting it up

into five -minute bits to kind of play here and then, you know, try to

get people to go to the half -hour version.

Very similar to what will happen to this.

And where did it finish up? It finished up, I remember the last time I was on it

was at 3 .55 in the morning.

Five minutes just before the Korean news.

And I have it on very good authority that the Korean news was not thrilled

their lead -in.

That was bound to happen. Time now to introduce someone else to the set.

who's known you for a very long time and wanted to be here. Do you recognise

this voice, Sam?

I disagree, Sam.

I think the goatee really suits you. Oh, no!

That's your old pal, Santa Shalala! Yay, Santa!

Here he's done.

There he is.

Hello, mate. How are you? Please sit down.

Great to see you. Thanks for coming by.

Always a pleasure. It's great to see you.

It's wonderful to see you.

Well, you guys have known each other for a very long time. Is it true you

discovered this guy?

Our story goes back even before we met because Sam and I roamed the streets of

the inner Melbourne suburb of Collingwood. He was in Keele Street and

Ballarat Street.

And obviously there's an age difference.

A big age difference.

You don't even need to say that.

But when we did meet, I became his mentor pretty much straight away. And

great after all these years that he's become my carer.

It's come full circle. Did you see ADBC?

Matt, I was on it. Oh, you were on it? Pardon me, I must have missed that

episode.

I remember at the time my working dog colleagues were doing the media rounds

something that we had written, and I ended up with the community media

so I ended up on a breakfast show that he was on. And I remember seeing him.

He's a bright -eyed kid with a heart full of hope and a

head full of dreams.

And so immediately, like all of us, I felt sorry for him.

Just a bit deluded.

Very eager.

Very eager. He was like a puppy in a pet store. You know, please, please give me

a home. I promise to be good. Yeah, the paws up on the window.

As time went on, you didn't quite give me a home, but you let me live in one of

yours. Well,

you did. You took him in. I mean, you guys famously had some very popular

together. The sporting shows.

Well, yeah. You don't know the name of them, do you?

A footy show.

Yeah, no, that was so difficult. That was Cup Fever. Cup Fever was the first

one. Thank you. So in 2010, Ed Cavalier and I wanted to do a World Cup show. And

Ed thought, I think we need a third person. And I said, well, look, I met

guy.

He seems to be into sport.

He's not working.

I've got him at the pet store. He's at the pet store.

At the wet market.

I thought you could get away with that stuff 20 years ago. I don't know about

now. But so I said, well, look, you know, he knows his sport and he goes,

he know anything about...

soccer. And I go, well, I think he does. He's a nut.

That's as much as he knows about Eurovision.

His very first meeting. So guys, is Brazil any good at soccer?

So we knew we had the right man.

Ed and I stuck to all the heavy lifting stuff. You know, the interview, all the

analysis. What was his role?

Sam did stuff kind of like this.

Tim Jong -un, good evening, Mr. President.

Please, no need to call me Mr. President.

We cleanse.

You can call me Supreme Reader. Wow.

Wow.

I take it all back about the acting.

What a chameleon. No, no, no. You think that he just does that part.

He's so versatile.

The next role that he did.

Shall we show the next role? Yes.

I got my kissy off.

I am the father. That's right. They talk about range in my acting. Actually,

that made your fifth stuff look pretty good.

It was a different time back then, by the way.

Some would say a better time.

I thought your show was flat -chap racist.

You reckon it was?

Thank you. That's a compliment. Well, you be the judge, and if I'm being

you let me know. But take a look at this clip, and we'll discuss it immediately

afterwards. You're Italian, aren't you? Yes, I am. I am. I need you to come over

to the house to do some work. Can you bring your concrete mixer?

You know the one you use on your garden?

You're Asian, aren't you?

Yeah. Can you please give me a lift after the show? I really need to get to

house very, very slowly.

I just wanted to commend you on the closeness of your shave.

Oh, thank you. Did you borrow your grandma's razor?

What are you two doing? It's racism round. It's not racism round.

It's erase racism.

No racism. No more racist jokes. Because I bought him his favourite hair product

during the week, right? Are you saying I can't give it to him? No.

Why not?

It's erase racism round.

I can't ask him to do my laundry. No.

Really?

No.

I'm doing the line. You know I went hunting during the week.

Borrowed his gun. You're saying... You're saying I can't return it.

Well, I don't think you've been shooting him.

Good stuff. What is going on? Good stuff. We thought it was racist.

Santo. Yes, mate. You're too much in love with the guy. This is an

You've got to dig deep.

He's the only guy that I know who's into...

Quite seriously, he's got a passion for calligraphy and cockfighting. So, I

mean, it's truer than you think.

Did you introduce him along the way to anyone famous? Did he ever embarrass you

in front of someone?

Well, I remember Ange Postacoglu. I knew Ange quite well. Sam had never met him.

And during this time, he'd ingratiated himself at Melbourne Victory, right? So

Melbourne Victory had won the A -League Grand Final. He ended up on the field at

the end, right, with all the rest of the board members and everything like that.

Sam had never met Ange. Ange had never met Sam.

There's Ange hugging everybody. And Sam just happened to be there. And he's just

gone.

What? What is that? It is the only hug in history that was preceded by a formal

introduction.

I actually asked then, can I have a hug?

And then you whispered something in his ear.

Yeah, can I have a hug? It was just then I asked that. Beautiful man, and he did

it. All right, look, it's almost time for you to go. Thank you very much.

helped us work through a few.

You've done nothing. You haven't brought anything for an intervention.

You've got to get stuck into the guy. You've got to load up and deliver.

What's your problem with him?

Look, okay, the only thing I can think of, please make him stop thinking that

could be Italian.

Because, Sam, I'm telling you, mate, I'm telling you.

You can drink all the Negronis in the world, okay?

You can read all the books about Dean Martin. You can try growing figs in the

backyard. You can quote every single line from The Godfather. But, mate, you

have never been Italian. You never will be Italian. You don't like him. trying

to cook Italian recipes.

That's one of the things. He doesn't love to cook. I've been against Sam's

many times and he's always cooking something Italian. What is this?

It looks like something Brooklyn Beckham would cook.

I don't know where you got these. This is the process that I have when I cook a

bolognese. We got them from the mushroom lady.

Who reckons they're pretty good recipes, by the way. Just stop it. Stay in your

lane. You're not a cook. You're not an Italian cook. I tell you what, my two

years working at the spaghetti tree in Melbourne tell you differently, by the

way. There was one attempt you made at cooking, and I'm really embarrassed you

went out on your own because I thought we had an agreement that we would start

our own fast food franchise, and then we did it, and all of a sudden you...

LAUGHTER

Thank you very much for coming in, Sam.

You're a really good guy.

You hate the music. Don't go till I run, ladies and gentlemen.

More intervention after this.

You're

doing

good. You wake up.

Here we go. Welcome back to Greater Mix Celebrity Intervention, Sam.

Take it like a champ tonight. I'm so proud of you. You've come so far.

Still a long way to go, though.

You are, at the moment, experiencing a window of heat in your career. You seem

to be at the top of your game.

You're remaining vulnerable, which I like, Sam.

And I touched on it earlier. I've known you for a long time, 20 years.

And I thought I taught you better than this.

There's more strings to your bow than just racial stereotyping.

Constantly, Sam. And it keeps going and going and going. Let's have a look at a

montage.

Have your sad, sad words.

Not a lot of people know this, but Ten actually gave me my first on -screen

appearance when they cast me as Drowning Swimmer No. 3 on Bondi Rescue.

This is my third time hosting, so hopefully that's enough time for Kerri

Kennelly to stop calling me Aunt Doe.

You know, Emma and I have a lot in common, because, you know, Emma is the

member of her group, and I'm considered the... I like to consider myself the

Asian, Ro.

Thank me, how's your mum for me?

You and Sam up there shaking hands, it looks pretty... There it

is.

All great.

And congratulations on becoming a host of the Logies here at the Seven

Yeah, sensational.

And let's be honest... Thank you. Probably deserves a round of applause.

let's give him a round of applause.

This is what I'm talking about. He's rustling up his own round of applause.

This is when you started to think you were the best in the biz and it got away

from you a bit and you started doing a lot of publicity and taking yourself

seriously. This Della shoot is a typical example. There you are.

Look out, look out. I'm Sam Payne. I'm part of the Rat Pack. Look at me. I'm

coolest guy in town. Or so you'd think until you open the magazine.

And then we see someone who's forgotten their piano accordion.

Where is the ventriloquist stalling this? You look like Mr. Bojangles there.

Yeah, but that's not... Talk me through this. This is better.

This is the most narcissistic photo I've ever seen.

So you've hired a photographer to come and take a photo of you while you look

yourself in the mirror and then put that picture in a magazine.

Who came up with that idea?

Well, an idiot came up with that idea and I regret it deeply.

Do you carry that mirror around with you?

It's a wonderful example that you can and should say no sometimes.

A lesson you've learnt many times.

So it started to get big on you.

little show, The Front Bar, some nights just arriving at the studio, you had a

bit of swagger.

I mean, that's beyond the pale. Yeah, but we did see you arrive a little later

that night too, Mick.

I've got to say, you look pretty good. Massively cool.

Fully justified.

That horse arse could be put down later.

It doesn't matter. It was supposed to be a Shetland, but it wouldn't let me sit

on the Shetland.

So then there was publicity.

Now the world's your oyster. I'm happy to concede it's starting to get away

you. It's starting to get away from you. And then you used to get papped, and

you used to come in and complain about it. But somehow the paparazzi always

where you were at the right time.

Exhibit A.

Tell us, Sam, what's going on here?

Well, that's me arriving in the country.

I think that's you arriving at Epstein Island.

To be honest.

I've got to say, Sammy, it's not easy to suck your gut in on your knees.

That was a tough day, that one. Anyway, in hindsight, it was good. I've never

been on an episode of Bondi Rescue, so that was good.

Well, we're making some progress here, and I think it's time to take a quick

break. We've seen you get high on your own success.

We're going to come back and tackle one of the big ones before we wrap this

thing up very soon.

I love you, mate. I really love you. And you're doing great.

Lawrence Mooney's here. We're all part of the one big family on a journey of

discovery together, hopefully heading to a happy place.

I hope so. Well, I hope so, too.

It's not looking good at the moment.

Well, you wait. Did you feel the love, though?

No.

That's because it's tough love. It's tough love, and you'll like it. The

thing you bang on endlessly about is you often say if you hadn't gone into

showbiz, you would have been an absolute superstar of the AFL. You always say

it. You bring it up all the time. I always say it, don't I? The best junior

footballer in Australia.

Just to save you doing another intro, yes, that's fine.

One of your early coaches at Paran, where you did play some reasonable

was BT.

He sent us this message.

Howdy, Sam.

Finally seeking treatment, mate.

Congratulations. Well done. Henderson, I'm often asked, as your former coach,

you know, about you and what I remember of you, and the answer is not much.

And do you want a response?

Do you want a... Now, just for clarity, and so you know what we're talking

about, here is Sam in action at a young age.

Handball goes over the fang. Takes a fang. Let's have a look at the young

Look at you. There he is. You look so good.

I was wearing the black armband for my career.

So who was that for?

That was for Paran in the old VFA days.

You went on to play with the under -19 Collingwood team? That was before that.

Oh, that was before that. So you were on the way down then.

That is significant. You played VFL under -19s for Collingwood.

And is it true they let you go because they found out about the calligraphy?

They wanted to keep me around just to do the banner.

You had a nickname.

What was your nickname when you played?

My nickname for one of the clubs I played for was The Orchid.

The Orchid? Why?

Because according to my teammates, I needed absolutely perfect conditions to

thrive.

So you've got, like, the Terminator and the Dominator. No, the Terminator, the

Dominator or the Bulldog. They're good nicknames. I had the Orchard. It's

Yeah. And did you cop some sledging out there on the field?

Yes, it was a bit... It was a different time back then.

So, yes, I know... A simpler, more racist time? Absolutely.

There weren't many other Chinese, you know, in the...

playing in the competitions that I was playing. Spit it out, mate. Well, it's

very emotional because it was a tough time. It was nowhere near as bad for

others, but for me, there was one day when I remember going over near the

boundary line and someone yelled out, go back to Japan.

I'm sorry about that, by the way.

Go back to Japan?

Yeah. Well, I toned it down a bit, but it was like, basically it was go back to

Japan, which it's very...

to be vilified in the wrong race.

So, yeah, that was one, but it was a different time, and it was a great time.

I wouldn't change anything.

All right, well, we're going to come back, and we've got a big surprise for

and we're going to wrap this up, and we're going to... The surprise that the

show's finishing?

Well,

there's a bit going on. Okay. All right, so hang around. More damage at the

moment.

Welcome back to Glenn and Rick. Welcome back.

Lawrence, you're doing a great job.

You are manning up, which is great to see. Hi, Glenn.

How are you feeling?

It's been confronting, but I'm glad that I did it in an atmosphere and an

environment of love. Yeah.

Before we wrap up, I'd like to debut a brand segment of mine.

Mine. from the studios of Channel 7. It's the Logie -nominated segment with

Nick, Glenn, and Lauren.

This is Bill Jones.

And now, here's Nick.

Welcome to Mick's Drip Tray. This is a brand -new content. What is going on?

Mick, don't forget.

Oh, of course.

Mick's Drip Tray.

So this is a brand -new segment of mine.

Brand -new. And what I do is I ask you some questions, and you don't have to

answer them. You can pass.

And they're simple. You just answer honestly.

And if you don't like it... I cannot believe what is going on. What's your

issue? Well, this is just blatant theft.

You've often said that it's your segment, but I own it. Drip Tray, by the

if you've never seen Front Bar, is a hit segment on a very underwhelming show.

But anyway, I own the licence.

The IP. The IP.

The intellectual property. You don't even know what it's called.

But this is going to be a new show on Channel 7.

A show?

In a half hour. It's not even as big.

But you know how it works.

Don't worry, it's almost over. So I'll just ask you a few questions and you

answer honestly.

Yeah, I know how it works, all right.

Unbelievable. Favourite vegetable?

Well...

So I had to choose. There's so many to choose from, Mick. Yeah, what would it

be? Well, obviously bok choy. No, you're wrong. I'm wrong? It's a turnip. You

can't be wrong.

And that has been...

I want just one thing.

Yes, mate.

For as long as I've been doing drip tray, you have made fun of it, and I've

defended myself by saying that drip tray looks easy, but in the wrong hands, it

could be a career ender. Yeah.

Exhibit A.

Sam, you said your favourite vegetable is bok choy.

Wow. I thought that was your nickname.

No,

it's my safe word.

In these sort of shows, they normally do something very sentimental. What do I

do? Sam, your goatee that we saw throughout the show. Yeah, I see. Have

heard from it? Have you?

Have I heard from it?

No, it's been a while. Yeah.

Well, Sam, we have your goatee.

Really? Oh, wow. Yeah, if we could just bring it out. It's been, yeah,

it's been, it's been, it's been good.

And placed in a box.

As you can see, it looks a lot like a merkin, but there you go.

Would you like to touch it or anything?

No. Where's the bangle?

From the smell of it, not in a good way.

You can pop it on to do some painting a little later.

So, thank you, Santa. It's a pleasure, it's a pleasure. Thank you for coming on

and helping out a friend in need. I don't even get presented with it.

There you go, if you want to. Thank you very much. How's it feel?

Better than it did when I was younger.

So are you happy? Do you feel a better person than you did when you arrived?

I do. Oh, there you go. We've made some headway.

We've had some people here tonight who obviously care about you and want to be

with you. We've had some people send in their messages. But there's one person

who wanted to be here and is here. And this could be a bit emotional for you.

Well, I can rule out my dad then. We couldn't be happier.

No, it's not your dad, but it's close.

Please welcome Kim Jong -un.

The big guy.

Would you like to come to North Korea for holiday? We have the best holiday

camp. Firstly, I just want to say, you're a very handsome man. Thank you,

you, thank you. You're not bad looking. Would you like to meet my sister as

well?

Well, that took a turn. I think that's a different show.

I think the only thing left to do is give him his new official title, which

Supreme host.

Supreme entertainer. Let's just call him Sam Pang Un.

That went really well. Yeah, I thought

it went well too. I really enjoyed the deafening silence after your bits. They

were great.

Listen, next time you do the Logie, you want to do it as a two -hander?

Look, I've had a think about it, and I think I'm good.

Oh, that was a bit of banter.

That's good.

Yeah, you and me.