Original subtitles

[ Static ]

[ Country music plays ]

♪ My dreams are all dead and buried ♪

♪ Sometimes I wish the sun would just explode ♪

♪ When God comes and calls me to his kingdom ♪

♪ I'll take all you sons of bitches when I go ♪

-My turn. -Hell no.

Hey, man, let me drive that thing!

Do not touch the trim!

Dan Halen: Every autumn, car- loads of well-moneyed urbanites

storm these mountains to gawk with idiotic wonder

at the innocuous

pigmentation-shift of the foliage.

They jam our sad motels to capacity,

spend their coin

on our worthless bumpkin-crafted trinkets,

and fill their dripping maws

with our saccharine homemade taffy.

But when the colored leaves

that camouflage your abject poverty

fall from the trees,

so, too, do the tourists fall from our grasp.

[ Clicks ]

And that's why this is the time

to build that gravy museum.

You know, it could, uh, be in the shape

of the world's largest gravy boat.

I drew this, um... mascot -- Groovy Gravy.

He's sort of a fun way to introduce people to- gravy --

Leaf!I'm leaving. Okay, yeah.

No! That's my tourism plan.

LEAF -- Leaves Ever Autumn Forever!

I've developed a proprietary chemical compound

that will permanently transform the leaves

to their autumn hues and prevent them

from ever dropping from the trees!

The foliage fanatics will stay year-round,

propping up my failing hay-ride business,

and absolutely nothing can, or ever will, go wrong!

[ Engine rumbling ]

Well... the leaves changed.

Where's all the customers?

We ain't sold a single peach all day.

Oh, them city slickers love them fall colors,

but they don't buy no fruit from us, do they?

Hell no.

Hey, y'all. Look, we got a customer coming.

Hey -- Get the fuck off my land

Git!

Get the hell on out of here.

Whoa, Early! Hold up.[ Breathing heavily ]

Look, all this aggressive gunplay

is really turning off potential tourists.

I mean, how are we gonna sell fruit to people

if you shoot the people dead before they can buy the fruit?

Unless you shot them after they bought the fruit,

and then we could just reuse the fruit.

Hey, y'all. Everybody look alive.

Customers! Interlopers!

Early, no!

Instead of telling them to get the helloff your land,

why don't you try asking them to get the hell onyour land?

Hey. [Chuckles] You guys selling fruit?

Get the hell o-- o--

on...

my land.There you go.

[ Chuckling ] This -- This isn't fruit.

These are, uh, rocks just painted to look like fruit.

Well, they'll never go bad.

That's our perma-fresh guarantee.

We sell it by the pound. Rocks weigh more.

It's simple math, dumbass!

[ Whispering ] Try adding a smile now.

[ Strained ] They're a good conversation piece.

[ Engine revs ]

[ Chuckling ] Wow!

You almost closed a deal, Early.

You're right. It's all in the delivery.

Sheriff: Ooh-whee!

Just look at those oranges and yellows and reds!

These chemicals are really working, Mr. Halen.

And is that pumpkin spice?

Ah, you noticed. Yes, we're doing flavorings now.

Gingerbread in December, barbecued brisket in July.

Look at that, would ya?

♪♪

Who'da thought the deep-fried pine booby

would be matin' this late in January?

The colored leaves make every species

want to... bury the sausage.

Yes, Chattanooga is a frozen moonscape,

while we are soaked to the tits with people and money.

And it's trickling all the way down, Mr. Halen.

Look who just put out a brochure for his new business.

♪♪

Welcome to Cuyler Farms B&B, my friends,

poverty-stricken country living at luxury prices!

Just look at them leaves! Y'all see them leaves?

Coloredly leaves everywhere!

It's gorgeous.Like a tapestry.

That's boringer than hell to me,

but y'all seem to be going crazy for it!

Hell yeah!

Here we have the main living space and kitchen

and sometimes bathroom when it's dark or cold

or I'm drunk or just lazy.

This is genuine poverty.

Happy hour is every night and day

right here in this corner,

over here by the party liquor bottles.

Ah! So authentic.

Our resort and convention center sleeps 24 comfortably.

Perfect for family reunions and corporate retreats.

Adorable!

I'll be sleeping in here in the master suite with your wife,

catering to every toe-sucking need.

Wait, you said that there'd be separate rooms.

[ Moaning ]

Let me show y'all the hot tub, huh?

[ Electricity crackles ]

Heater don't work.

Works on body heat.

Show 'em the massage jets, honey.

Here.

[ Farts ] [ Water bubbles ]

I set it to pulsation. [ Chuckles ]

[ Chuckles ] Uh-oh.

[ Squirting ]There's so much to see and do!

Learn how to make authentic mountain rock candy

out of common household cleaning products.

First sample is free. [ Laughs ]

[ Inhales sharply ]

Lil: [ Coughs ] Yeah!

Is that crystal meth?Yes, it is.

And over here, we have "Ride You A Possum!"

Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Giddyup now! Hya!

And for you space buffs, get you an eyeful

of "The Incredible Flaming Day Moon."

Early: Available from Dawn to Dusk.

Man: Awful lot of planes up here.

What is, uh, with these purple clouds?

Yeah, it smells like peppermint mocha.

And bleach.Oh, don't worry.

Uh, that's just, uh, natural, uh...

farts.

Uh, from a bald eagle.Yeah, just a cloud of eagle farts.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, y'all just relax,

take a deep series of short, shallow breaths,

and enjoy the beauty --

[ Shrill growling ]

[ Groaning ]

Look, honey, a deer.

[ Groaning continues ]

[ All scream ]Oh, my gosh!

What the hell?Well, that was intense.

Now, I would say y'all go and wash off

in a majestic 60-foot waterfall,

but I lied about having one of them in the brochure.

[ Plane engine roars ]And over to your left, everyone.

Ooh, it's a pumpkin for you to gawk at!

Honey, look at the pumpkin!

-Oh, my God! -Get your camera!

Don't lock eyes with it for crissake.

You'll antagonize it.

Hey, Mr. Halen.

Uh, I was hoping to talk to you about your chem-trails.

I'm worried they're having a negative effect

on the -- Uh, Mr. Halen?

This used to be a deer --Put that away!

The hell are you trying to do?

I was hoping maybe you could tweak the formula.

You know, something less toxic and more organic.

Organic, huh?

How about I take out my organ

and you suck it?

Would that be organic?

[ Horse neigh ][ Woman gasps ]

No, don't -- don't -- don't look at the horses.

Look away. Look over there.

A family of ducks!

[ Indistinct talking ]Woman: Oh, my God!

Don't -- don't -- don't look at the ducks.

Hey, everyone, let's look at down at our phones!

♪♪

Woman: Where are the vibrant reds?

The bright oranges and yellows?

I can't even see the flaming day moon!

Oh, uh, it's up there.

Hey, y'all come over to the main stage

for a backwoods hoedown!

Hey-but-a-ho-but-a-hey-but-a-ho- but-a-hey-but-a-ho!

But-a-hey-but-a-ho-but-a-hey- but-a-ho-but-a-hey-but-a --

Come on, woman! Get up!

I said a hoe-down, not a whore, face down!

[ Groans ]

[ Crowd gasps ]Hold on.

Just let me put my face back on.

Hey-but-a-ho-but-a-hey-but- a-ho-but-a-hey-but-a-ho --

Rusty: Hey, Daddy.

I think them chemicals Dan Halen sprayed may not be safe.

-Oh! -Oh, my God.

Y'all take it easy. E'rything's fine.

Everything not fine!

[ Screams ]

Oh, whoops. The trees have done come to life.

Perfectly normal. Let's all just cozy inside.

[ Growling ]Step lively, now!

Dylan: Mommy!Dylan? Where's Dylan?

My possum exploded.

[ Growls ]

Dylan? [ Screams ]

Why?!

Daddy, this man wants his money back.

Help me![ Shotgun cocks ]

Look, the tree's got a gun!

You did this! You played God!

[ Woman screaming ]

Nature's not a toy!

I never asked to be born!

Oh, God!You did this!

Oh, God!I was happy as a tree!

Oh, God!

I never wanted this!Oh, God!

Tell my pinecones I love them!

Oh, God!Listen to Al Gore!

[ Shotgun clicks ]

It's out of bullets!

Then beat me to death with it!

Where the hell are you going to?

Ain't no refund for early check-out.

Tell your friends and family.

We thrive on the word of mouth!

♪♪

Hello.

I'm here to let you know

that Dougal County's recovery efforts are complete.

The nightmarish, Lovecraftian fog has lifted

and we are open for business.

Dougal strong!

I'm also excited to report that animals

are migrating back into the region

and are no longer bursting into toxic goo.

And look at these trees!

Do they look like they're abducting children

or committing very public suicide?

[ Chuckling ] No.

No, those days are long gone.

But our most valuable asset is what's left of our people,

and they will greet you with open arms and warm,

partial smiles.

And while you're here, visit Groovy Gravy

at the all-new Dougal County Gravy Museum

off business route 92.

Hey, man.

Come sop up the history of gravy.

#OutOfSight.

Thanks, Groovy.

I'm from here, I'm still here,

and I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

Why don't you get on up here, too?

We'll be waiting.

And cut! One more, faster.

For safety.

Anything for you, my timber lord!

Remind them, bring children.

Children safe here!Mommy, mommy.

Children delicious.

Don't say that part.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Tree: Made in Georgia.