All language subtitles for Boston.Legal.S04E12.Roe.V.Wade,.The.Musical.720p.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H.264-ViSUM-eng

- Previously on Boston Legal.
- I present
Mr. and Mrs. Ivan Tiggs.

- I think Ivan is cheating.
- Cheating on you, his wife.

The important part is that
you did the brave, honorable,
honest thing by telling me.

- And I still want you
to represent me.
- My name is Leigh Swift.

- This box--
- Is my lover.

Would you like to get
a drink with me?
[ Kissing Sounds ]

If you don't want
to date me anymore,
please, just be honest.

I'm quite sympathetic to
the condition of objectophilia.

But if your girlfriend cheats
on you with a clock radio...

and runs off with an iPhone,
she's bonkers, and you'd best
be done with her.

Hello!
[ Giggles ]
Missy.

Bet you're surprised to see me.
[ Laughs, Snorts ]

Well--
I'm here under
the most wonderful...

and tragic of circumstances.

Ah.

So?
First, the good news.

I've been in therapy
after Ivan crushed me
like a bug.

Therapy's going well,
I see.

Oh, it is.
Very innovative.

Created by
two geniuses at Emerson.
Maybe you've heard of it.

It's called "Life Is a Song."

Basically, they teach you
to look at the world
as one big musical.

- [ Groans ]
- I'm thriving under it.

No matter how low
things could get--

** [ Pop ]

- * Xanadu
- ** [ Stops ]

- I get the idea.
- [ Laughs ]

Anyway, I met someone.

And get this.
He's a beautiful African man.

And he speaks
perfect English.

He was born and raised
in the States.

His great-grandparents
moved here years ago.

So he's African-American then.

- Exactly.
And it gets even better.
- It couldn't possibly.

We're pregnant. I'm having
an African-American baby.

** [ Pop ]
* Having his baby

** [ Stops ]
[ Clears Throat ]

What's the tragic part,
beside the music?

Oh, yes. Well, he doesn't
want to have it.

Claims he never meant
to get me pregnant.
Haven't we all heard that?

- Well, did he?
- Actually, no.
[ Laughs, Snorts ]

We only went out twice
actually.

But because I want to have
a family, and there's that
biological clock to worry about,

I made a teeny-weeny little
deposit of his seed thingy
in the sperm bank.

Well, why did he give you
his sperm, if--

Well, he didn't exactly
give it to me.

I played a little unzippity-do
with his fly thingy.

And I "persuaded" him
with "oral" arguments.

Then I put his African-American
seed in a test tube,
and I fertilized my egg.

That's how you got
Mr. Sperm?

Uh-huh. [ Laughs, Snorts ]
And now he says
he's going to sue me.

[ Scoffs ]
Can you imagine?

Set out my little honey trap.

Now I'm having
an African-American baby.

[ Laughs, Snorts, Sighs ]

** [ Funk ]
** [ Man Vocalizing ]

[ Man ]
* Uh-huh

* All right

* Come on

* Come on
All right *

* Well, yeah

* Well, yeah

* Outlaw *

- Hello, Jerry.
- [ Inhales ]

Leigh.

Hello, Leigh.

Jerry, I know we parted
in an awkward way,

for which I'm ashamed.

But I'm not here about that.
I'm afraid I need a lawyer.

I've been fired
from my long-standing
teaching position.

- What'd you do?
Give tongue to a locker?
- [ Gasps ] That was mean!

- Dumping me for
a smartphone was mean!
- [ Clicks Tongue ]

- [ Purrs ]
- Coo!

- [ Pops ]
- Why did they discharge you?

Because I hugged a student.

Not sexually.
Not like I would--
A clock radio.

- Mean.
- Meaner.

- [ Click ]
- [ Purrs ]

- You hugged a student?
- A student in distress.

I went to comfort her.
My school has a policy--
no hugging.

This child needed a hug.
I gave it to her.

I want to sue them.
This political correctness crap
has gone too far.

Could you help me?

- [ Clicks Tongue ]
- [ Popping ]

Missy Tiggs is having
your child?

Look, the woman
practically raped me.

You know what I'm saying?
I can't be with her.

Well, Mr. Maxwell,
you don't have
to be with her.

But that's the thing, man.
That's the thing.

Yes.

Would you mind telling me
"the thing"?

Look, I got causes in my life.
You know what I'm saying?

Pediatric AIDS. I give some to
your woman with breast cancer.
I'm a public-minded brother.

My biggest cause, my thing,
is "Daddy go bye-bye."

Absentee black fathers.

It's a problem
in the culture, in the country,
and it's my biggest thing.

So I got two choices here:

Be an absentee father
or live with Missy Tiggs.

Well, I'm afraid those
are your only two choices.

Well, I want to stop it.
Stop it?

Yeah, yeah. I want you
to help me stop it.

And again for clarification,
"it" is?

Her having my baby.
Oh, well, I'm afraid
you can't do that.

Why not?
Well--

You can do it.
I heard about you.

Look, I know they hired
Shirley Schmidt,

and I know you represented
that Ivan dude
against them before.

Look, you need to help me
stop it.

First of all, I should say
I'm not a hugger.

I find it very difficult
to hug, in fact.

Why is that?
Well,

I'm very uncomfortable
with my hands leaving my thighs.

But on the day of January 9,
you hugged Bonnie Taylor.

Yes. She had just done poorly
on an exam, and she was
simply devastated.

I was talking to her about it.
She became inconsolable,
and I hugged her.

You were aware your school
has a no-hug policy?

Yes. But this student
was in distress.
She needed comfort.

And I felt I had to prioritize
her needs over the school's
policy in this instance.

You also made that exception
last November when you hugged
a different student.

A boy upset over
social problems.

- You were told by the principal
not to do it again?
- Yes.

You made yet another exception
the second week of December
hugging yet another student.

Again you were told to stop.

In fact, warned that
the next time could be
grounds for discharge.

This policy is not right.
I see.

So you made a decision
to defy it.

It's unfair.
Unfair?

Has the school had a history
of treating you unfairly,
Ms. Swift?

- What is objectophilia?
- Objection. Irrelevant.

This woman teaches our children.
If she suffers from
a sexual disorder,

it's certainly relevant,
especially when she
was discharged...

for improper physical conduct
with a student.

It was not sexual in nature.
And for you to imply so
is out of line.

What is objectophilia,
Ms. Swift?

Please answer.

It's a condition where
one is sexually attracted
to objects.

[ Clicks Tongue ]

I'm very nervous
that he's coming in.
Maybe I should--

Ooh. He's very handsome,
Shirley.

Just looking at him
can make my genitalia flutter.

Oh, please, can I--
No.

It calms me, Shirley.
Plus, he responds to it.

Yeah, so do I.
No singing.

- Okay. This here's--
- Ooh, ooh.

- my lawyer.
- What's going on here?

What's going on is your client
stole my client's semen.

Oh, right. You gave it
quite willingly, Mr. Man.

I didn't know what you were
gonna do with it, woman.

I love it when
he calls me woman.

What exactly are you
asking for?

An abortion.

- You are kidding?
- No. If I were kidding,
I'd stand like this.

You have read a little case
called Roe v. Wade,
which says a woman's body--

Read the case. Saw the movie.
Got me to thinking. Wouldn't
the current Supreme Court...

just love an opportunity
to overthrow Roe...

without being vilified
as antiabortion?

Well, ta-da.

What's this ta-da?
Is that some legal thingy
like res "ispa"?

- What's ta-da?
- Setting aside
the absurd notion...

that you might actually
argue this--
Yes, setting aside that.

As a matter of law--
today's law--

once the sperm, blood
or tissue leaves the body,

a person no longer has
any proprietary right.

And also under today's law,

you have no right whatsoever
to get a court-ordered abortion.

Finish the sentence, Shirley.
Go ahead.

I did.
No.

From your tone,
I could almost hear the tag,
"And I'd like to see you try."

I should think we'd be able
to conflict Alan out.

No. Missy already
waived conflict when
we represented Ivan,

and Terrence is waiving it now
because he wants Alan.

What can he come with?
Well, I think the strongest
argument would be public policy.

The state doesn't want fraud
to be used to compel fatherhood
against a man's will.

But we've got bigger
public policy on our side--
ordering an abortion.

Yes, but Roe v. Wade
doesn't convey a woman's right
to have a baby.

It's a premise on her right
to control her body.

Which would give her the right
not to have a medical procedure
against her will.

One would hope, but we wouldn't
necessarily be talking about
a medical procedure here.

Missy's only
five weeks' pregnant.

She could take
the abortion pill, RU-486.

Taking a pill would
arguably not constitute
an invasive procedure.

And how would we counter that?

Well, vigorously.

Personally, I hate
the no-hugging policy.

But I dislike
the insurance premiums more.

The fact is some teachers
have crossed the line.

And they could do
irreparable damage
to the kid, the school.

And the easiest way to safeguard
against inappropriate contact...

is just to say no contact.

So just shut down
all human contact?
Is that the idea?

No. The idea is to shut down
post-traumatic distress when
teachers abuse their trust.

The idea is to shut down
lawsuits.

It was my daughter
she hugged.
Did you object?

Oh, God, no.
Bonnie was despondent.

Thank God there was
a compassionate teacher
who was there for her.

Believe me, we've got too many
of the other kind.

Would you have
been comfortable
as a parent...

for a teacher with a known
sexual disorder to be physically
touching your daughter?

Probably not.
But I know this teacher.

Who should bear the burden
of knowing all the teachers...

and deciding whether hugging
is okay or not?

The parents
or the principal,
do you think?

- Obviously, the principal.
- In fact, you as a parent...

trust the principal
to create a safe environment
for the kids.

True?

Yes, that's true.

That didn't go very well,
did it?
It could've been better.

I'm sorry I haven't
been better.
You've been great.

So now what?
Well, we give our summations,
and then the judge will rule.

Jerry, I appreciate
your efforts,
especially after--

I am sorry.

It's okay.
Life goes on.

Ob-La-Di, c'est la vie,
sacre bleu.

Will you ever forgive me?

Leigh, right now...

I need to concentrate
on the case.

Wait a second.
You're actually asking me
to order an abortion?

I am, Judge.
Isn't it exciting?
No.

Well, then let's
reframe the issue.
Let's just say we're here...

so that you may stop her
from profiting from
stealing this man's sperm.

- What do you mean she stole it?
- I mean they did not
have intercourse.

It was never his intent
to even have oral sex.

So let me tell you exactly
how she came into possession
of his sperm.

I think I know.
How did she get pregnant?

She put the ill-gotten proceeds
in a test tube,
popped it in the fridge.

A shower and gargle,
and off to the fertility clinic
she went.

Okay. I want you
in that chair.

Your Honor, it doesn't matter
how this pregnancy came to be.
You can't--

- It-It matters to me.
- Hold on, sir.

You, in that chair
after lunch.

We're adjourned.

Can you imagine? The judge
is going to have a hearing.

- Well--
- Well, what?

Well-- Well, Shirley, what
if somebody stole your eggs?
How would you feel?

My eggs are on display at the
Natural History Museum. Anybody
can walk in and take them.

I'm serious.
This man was violated.

Even so.
A court-ordered abortion?

Courts have terminated
pregnancies before, either for
mentally handicapped women or--

- Missy is not retarded.
- You had her tested?

Carl, I'm-I'm surprised at you.
Well, you know what?
I'm surprised at you, Shirley.

Your fairness compass
is always spot-on.
It's fritzing out here.

We're now having a fight?

Which you're losing,
and that bothers you.

You actually believe
a judge...

should be able to order
a woman to have an abortion?

I think they should be loath
to do so, but, yes.

Huh.

[ Sighs ]
Fine.

You were looking for me?

Yes.

I was wondering if you could
join me after lunch
for about an hour?

- What have you got in mind?
- Ohh.

- Heartburn.
- I have a case.

I could use a woman at the table
to preempt any charges
of chauvinism, since--

No, thank you.
I know about your case, Alan.
It's repugnant.

And good luck trying to find
any woman to sit at your table.

Strict.

Lorraine, let's just put
gender politics aside
for the moment and focus--

That's cute. Like leaving bias
out of prejudice.

I don't really think
that can be done, Alan,
not even by you.

So, sorry.
I hope you lose.
Bye, Denny.

[ Chomps ]

I really don't get it.

I agree it's a woman's body,
and therefore her rights
should take priority.

But what's the rationale
that justifies excising the man
completely from the equation?

They got us on this one, Alan.
Until the Supreme Court
fixes the problem,

and they're
handpicked to do so,
they got us.

Their rights,
their body, period.
And they have those too.

So it all evens out.

Denny Crane.
You heard it here.

[ Siren Wailing ]

I've always wanted
to have a baby. Of course,
with the right man.

Terrence was right for me.
We fell in love so quickly.

At least I did.

- After two dates?
- Look at him. He's gorgeous.

The thought of having
beautiful mocha chocolata
bambinos with him,

ooh, it brings
a flutter to my--

- Missy!
- ** [ Pop ]

- ** [ Stops ]
- What the hell was that?

Oh. My-My client's in
a form of music therapy
to combat stress.

Just one note is
more than enough.

- Music therapy?
- Yes, Your Honor. I like to
look at life as a big musical.

The night I met Terrence,
it was a musical.

** [ Starts, Stops ]

Can you tell us about
the night that you conceived?

Well, as I said,
it was magical.
We had gone to a club.

We danced, we snuggled,
we giggled.

And after the club?
We went back
to my place,

had some wine,
and we got romantic.

At least I did.
He looked at me.
I looked at him.

- ** [ Pop ]
- And we both knew--
at least I did--

* Had to believe
we are magic *

** [ Stops ]

[ Clears Throat ] And you got
pregnant at a fertility clinic
with Terrence's sperm?

Yes. After our
seminal moment together,

I put the goods in a little
test tubie, took it to the lab,
and they put it in the oven.

When it bakes, soon I'll have
my little Obama baby.

Thank you.

She's all yours.
Don't really want her.

Suppose I'm obliged.

Missy.
Hello.

- You wish you and Terrence
were together, don't you?
- I do.

But if you can't have him?
I'll have his baby.

** [ Ballad Starts, Stops ]

Have you thought for one second
how this would affect Terrence?

Well, I would hope
he'd be happy for me,
for us.

- And if he's not?
- Tough.

This may be
a rhetorical question,

but let me
ask it anyway.

- Do you think you're fit
to be anybody's mother?
- Objection.

- Sustained.
- No. I'd like to respond
to that.

Go ahead, without song.

I will be a good mother.

I'm sorry Mr. Man
doesn't want this child.

It's too bad for me.

It's too bad for the baby.
Let's not forget
there is a baby here.

There's another life
involved.

If you want to vilify me,
punish me, go ahead.

But do not punish
this child.

It is grossly unfair to do so
with the death penalty.

I feel like
the big monster now.

You're not a monster,
Mr. Maxwell.

You're actually being
quite heroic.

You're giving voice
to a male outrage
that's long overdue.

For women to be able
to just--

It's not just that.
It's the idea of that woman.

I mean, there's assimilation
and there's assimilation.

That woman should not be allowed
to parent a black child
or a half-black child.

There. I said it.
Should I say it in court?

Terrence,
there's no real advantage
in you testifying,

and I don't wanna give them the
opportunity to portray you as
someone other than who you are.

So what now?
You give one of those
big, long speeches then?

Well, yes.

I do that.

I think the judge liked
my singing, don't you?
How could she not?

- Shirley.
- Ah, Carl. Still alive. Well--

That's mature.

Anything you say
bounces off me
and sticks to you.

Fighting?
We are.

- Problem?
- Working on my closing.

I may have to use
the cigarette.

- Why?
- Well, this issue--

- Hugging?
- Mmm. I'm finding it
very hard to get a rhythm.

Do you know my mother...

hugged me a grand total
of two times?

One was by accident.

She thought I was choking
and performed
the Heimlich maneuver.

Did your father hug you?

No. He believed in
firm handshakes,

which was pretty much a bust,
since I could rarely convince
my hand to leave my thigh.

The first hug I ever got,
truly,

was a couple years ago
from Alan.

Really?

You got another one of those
I could use?

I have to close
against Alan Shore.
He's really good, isn't he?

- The best I've ever seen.
- Thank you for that.

Katie, I've seen you in
the courtroom. You don't need
to be afraid of anybody.

- Even Alan Shore?
- Here's the thing with Alan.

He likes to get dominion
of the room...

and keep opposing counsel
off-balance.

Just don't let him.

Also, when his case wobbles,
and here it does,

he tries to reframe the issue
into one that suits him.

He's very clever
that way.

Don't let him.

Listen to me. I feel
I'm being disloyal to him.

You're being very loyal to me.
I appreciate it.

Jerry, you are a dear,
dear friend.

[ Purrs ]

Leigh.

Hello. Welcome.
Welcome. Hello.

Are you two boyfriend
and girlfriend?

No. We're work friends,
colleagues.

Oh.

Good-bye.

Somebody still seems
a little smitten, Jerry.

Many, many others
are doing the same thing.

And it isn't just because
they're litigation averse.

It's for the children.

The statistics don't lie.
Many of the worst and most
far-reaching cases of abuse...

happen at the hands
of trusted adults,

be it a priest or a teacher
or a relative.

Does this policy go too far?
I'm sure some would say it does.

But on what side
do we want to err here?

[ Sighs ]

It's not just happening
at schools.

Many corporations and businesses
now forbid physical contact.

It cuts down on
sexual harassment lawsuits.

Perhaps with the continued
evolution of smartphones and
e-mails and videoconferencing,

we'll find a way to keep
people from ever being in
the same room together.

Won't that be wonderful?

Years ago they did an experiment
with an orphaned baby monkey.

They gave it two choices
for a surrogate:

One which could provide milk,
the other a hug.

The monkey chose the hug.

I'm sure we all saw
this picture in the newspapers
a few months ago.

Yes. Very sweet.

But for my money,
one case of child abuse
trumps a cute monkey.

Yes, Your Honor.

I grew up with...
various social disabilities.

I had no friends.

I got a job that only required
I write memorandums.

I lived, basically, a life
with no real human contact.

My client is
an objectophile.

Both of us improved through
the kindness, compassion,

and, yes, physical affection
of others.

The human touch
cannot be quantified.

It cannot be analyzed
with statistics.

We can't place
a number on it.

But it is much,
much more than a doorway
to sexual molestation.

It's the best, the most direct,
the most lasting way...

of affirming
another person's humanity.

Leigh Swift was trying
to comfort a student
who was suffering.

What policy can possibly justify
firing her for that?

Six years ago,

isolation had brought me
to the point...

I considered taking my life.

I picked up the phone
and punched out 411,

so desperate was I
to hear just the sound
of another person's voice.

I got some automated recording
that said,

"What city and state,
please?"

And I wept.

We are living in such
an increasingly isolated world,
Your Honor.

We I.M. and text message...

and have virtual
relationships online.

It gets lonelier
and lonelier,

while teenage and adult
depression continues to rise.

There are perhaps many things
we can do about it.

Banning the hug
can't be one of them.

The thing about women,
Carl,

if you reject their opinions,
their principles,

they feel you're
rejecting them.

Which is so wrong,
since with most relationships,
we're in it only for the sex.

Uh, you won't be getting any,
by the way, from Shirley,
unless you agree with her.

Mmm.

I don't know, Denny.
Maybe Shirley and I
aren't right for each other.

Don't go overreacting now.

You ever wonder if all
relationships are finite?
Of course they are.

That's why we have kids,
marriage vows,
onerous divorce laws--

all to make it too impossible
to leave once we know it's over.

We're a pro-marriage nation.

That's very cynical,
Denny.

Would you marry
Shirley?
In a second. May I?

- I think she would want a say.
- Yes. Therein lies the problem.

Marriage, abortion,
you name it.

We were much better off
in the old days before
women had got a say.

Supreme Court will
get us back there.
Just give 'em time.

[ Sighs ]

All right. Before we begin,
Ms. Tiggs, no singing.

If you so much
as accidentally
hit a note...

while clearing your throat,
I will rule in his favor.

- You got that?
- Yes, Your Honor.

All right now. Mr. Shore,
you can't stand before me...

and tell me you expect
this court or any court to order
that a woman get an abortion.

That's exactly what I expect.
The idea is appalling to you...

because next to the N-word,
only the A-word is
more controversial.

Only the A-word can stir up
such deep-seated passion.

Not of love, which one
might hope for when thinking
of life in its conception,

but rather of
anger and rage.

In fact, there isn't any issue
in this country as combustible.

My advice would be
to not think of it
as the A-word at all.

Let's just think of it
as requiring this woman,

who flagrantly and deliberately
defrauded my client--

requiring her to simply take
a pill, some medication.

We do it all the time.
We force-medicate in
psychiatric hospitals,

a place where, ironically,
this woman should
certainly be stuck.

Will you slow the hell down?

Under the law, Judge,
there is no life here.
She's five weeks' pregnant.

At five weeks, there is no life
recognized by the law.

Mr. Shore is incorrect.
The relevant case law
goes only to viability.

It makes no determination
as to when human life begins.

And whatever one's opinion
may be on abortion,

we can't dispute that life,
however embryonic,
originates at conception.

But the only issue today
is can the court invade
the autonomy of her body?

And I would say yes.
We're not talking about
an intrusive procedure.

We're asking that she take
a pill. A little tablet
like an aspirin. The RU-486.

It's very effective,
the side effects are rare,
and it's safe.

I can't speak to when Mr. Shore
had his last abortion,

but they are anything
but a breeze,
even with the RU-486.

It presents the same symptoms
as a miscarriage, including
cramping, bleeding.

It could take days or weeks,
and that's not
even accounting...

for the emotional aftereffects,
which could last a lifetime.

This woman hijacked
my sperm.

- Mr. Maxwell.
- I love it when
he calls me woman.

- Missy.
- I did not have intercourse
with her that night. Why?

Because I did not want
to run the risk of
getting her pregnant.

I would submit Mr. Maxwell
has various legal remedies.

He can sue her in a civil court
for damages, though she's not
asking for child support--

Now who's not accounting for
the emotional aftereffects?

Where is it written that, "Hey,
if he doesn't have to contribute
to the raising of the child,

- then it's no harm, no foul?"
- Mr. Shore.

- It's my flesh and blood.
My child!
- And you want to kill it.

- All right. Tempers
are starting to flare.
- Yes, they are, Judge.

As I said, this is an angry
topic. And one of the reasons
we're all so enraged...

is we never got a say.

The American public
never got a vote on abortion.
It was decided by fiat.

Nine men sitting on a court.
Why we don't put the issue on
a ballot completely escapes me.

Especially since
our judicial selection process
has now become...

so corrupted by
the politics of abortion,

as our presidential and
congressional campaigns have.

But we the people,
we don't get a vote.

And it leaves us feeling
frustrated and angry,
powerless.

Can you imagine this issue
that goes to the core
of our human values,

and we don't get
to weigh in?

We have to sit back and watch
a president puppeteered
by the religious right...

- stacking the deck
in the Supreme Court.
- You're getting off point.

No, I'm very much on point.
You take that...

sense of helplessness and rage
that the public feels,

multiply it times a thousand,
and you get a sense of what
my client feels.

Somebody would be having
his baby, and he doesn't
even get a say?

He wasn't careless
or cavalier.

He was tricked, deceived,
defrauded. And he has
no rights here at all?

He should be afforded all his
rights under the law. Under the
law today, the court cannot...

and should not order
a woman to undergo
an intrusive medical procedure.

Can there be anything
more medically, physically...

and emotionally intrusive
than an abortion?

I'm sorry,
but at the risk of sounding
very politically incorrect--

as much as we're all supportive
of multicultural families--

it's become so fashionable
to adopt exotic babies from
different lands and places.

But I'm sorry.
That woman makes Julie Andrews
seem like a Black Panther.

She has no conception
of black culture.
This is wrong.

There I said it.
Everyone can start writing
their letters.

Maybe there should be some kind
of a test one has to pass.
But that--

I've probably said enough.

Yes, you have.

- Any word?
- No.

But she promised to rule
by the end of the day, so--

Terrence,

suppose we do win.

You can certainly expect
a whole lot more of all this.

The appeals court,
the state supreme court,
the Supreme Court.

By that time,
she will have had the baby.

Are you prepared
to push this all the way?

[ Exhales ]
Maybe not.

Even if we win, I don't know
if I can make her terminate.

Then why?
I don't know.
Maybe empowerment.

Maybe... I just want it
to be my choice too.

Is that crazy?

It isn't crazy at all.

[ Door Opens ]

Nobody said, "All rise,"
but okay.

I agree completely
with Mr. Espenson.
To ban a simple hug...

seems way too far-reaching,
if not draconian.

I'm mindful, however,
that we have thousands
and thousands...

of unlawful sexual touchings
on school campuses every year,

committed by both
teachers and students.

It's a tough call.

What tips it for me
are the facts of this case.

The plaintiff suffers
from objectophilia,
a diagnosed sexual disorder.

Add to that she had been
warned on prior occasions
not to touch the students.

Judgment for the defendant.

- [ Gavel Raps ]
- Poop. Withdrawn.

We're adjourned.

I'm sorry, Leigh.
Me too.

Thank you so much
for trying, Jerry.

You fought very valiantly.

I'm sorry we didn't
get a good result.

Yes.

Speaking of trying,
would you like to give us
a try again?

I don't know. I--

I don't think I can compete
with an iPhone.

I don't know
that any man could.

My therapist thinks
I'm gravitating to things
because they can't dump me.

I got scared with you,
Jerry.

I suppose I want safety
in a relationship,

but I realize
nobody gets that.

I don't know what to say.

How about yes?
[ Chuckles ]

How about we just hug
and see how it feels?

If you ask me, we've seen
a great evolution in fatherhood
over the last 20, 30 years.

We now have stay-at-home dads,
fathers who are
the primary caregivers.

Pretty damn good progress
from my perspective.

When it comes to a father's
legal rights, however,

the law has stayed stagnant.

Ms. Tiggs,
your behavior here
is disgusting.

You knew this man did not want
to father a child with you.

You performed a sex act
on him to come in possession
of his sperm.

You used that sperm
to impregnate yourself.

If the law permitted, I would
have you thrown in jail.

But I end exactly
where I began.

No court, including this one,
is going to order an abortion.

Mr. Maxwell,
your damages here,
if any,

would be legal,
not equitable.

Motion denied.
We're adjourned.

Well, we tried.
Yeah. Thanks, Mr. Shore.

Thank you,
Shirley, Katie.

Wow. I'm going
to be a mom.

And I'll bet
a wonderful one at that.

Well, best of luck, Missy.
Let's get out of here.

I gotta be involved.

If I'm gonna be a father,
then I'm gonna be a father.

I'd like that.
Not about you.

Terrence.

Maybe you and I could
give it a go. I really,
really like you.

It's not every day
I meet a truly noble person
who makes my genitalia flutter.

I can't be with you,
Missy.

I'll work out
this parenting thing,
but I can't be with you.

Oh. Okay.

* A place

* Where nobody
dared to go *

* The love that
we came to know *

Bye, Missy.

* They call it Xanadu

* And now

* Open your eyes and see

* What we have made is real

* We call it Xanadu *

So, Katie kicked
your ass.

[ Laughs ]
Let me tell you something
about this Katie Lloyd.

She is going to be
some lawyer.

For her to be this good already
just out of law school,
it's scary.

How far women have come.

They used to be objects
we just wanted to have sex with.

Now they're intelligent,
autonomous, powerful things
we just want to have sex with.

We may even have a woman
as president, Denny.

I had a dream
about her as president--
Hillary, you know.

Tell me.
She invited me into
the Oval Office.

We had tea, discussed politics.
[ Clicks Tongue ]
We got right down to it.

She was fantastic.

- You had a Hillary sex dream?
- Oh, she is so hot, Alan,

in a dominatrix,
praying mantis sort of way.

Ooh. I'd love to have
one night alone
with that tramp.

What?

- You have been cranky this
week. Is everything okay?
- Fine.

Something's wrong.
Nothing's wrong.

Fine.

[ Clicks Tongue ]

My sophomore year in college
I got my girlfriend pregnant.

She came to me, told me,
and then proceeded to say,

"Don't worry. I've already
taken care of it."

It was done.
It had already been done.

And I realized...

that she had probably
been scared and confused.

But I felt completely
invisible,

as if I had no ability
to express...

love, care, support.

For me to have no voice,
as if I had no opinion,

when it would've been
my child too--

[ Scoffs ]
Such prejudice against men.

The issue was always
about forcing us
to take responsibility,

- never about our rights.
- There's a conversation...

men could have with women
before having sex.

Perhaps an understanding
should be reached before--

No. It's hard enough
to get the condom on.
[ Laughs ]

Now you want to add
conversation to the mix?
Uh-uh.

How many times have
you had that problem
taken care of with women?

Oh, I don't know.

On the one hand, I want
to perpetuate the species.
I am, after all, Denny Crane.

On the other hand,
imagine the world,

kids running around
with mad calves disease.

I shudder.

Don't you want to be
a father someday, Alan?

I don't know.

It'll happen.
Can I be godfather?

He'll need somebody
to tell him about women.

You can't have
that discussion with Dad.

You still want that son,
don't you?
Oh.

Take him fishing,
teach him to drive a stick.

When he gets older,
he can introduce me to some of
his girlfriends. It's all good.

People say having a family--
it's everything.

Are we missing out, Denny?

Well, I feel I have
a family of sorts here.

I don't think it's the same.

I've got you.
You've got me.

And I feel blessed.

How many people have that?

Not enough.

Next on Boston Legal.

Jack Ross. Don't speak.
It'll ruin it for me.

- Jack?
- You remember. And here I
thought it was just physical.

Still trying to impress me
after all these years?

I am. Did I?

- What's the story?
- Bull.

Does your wife know
you're out with me tonight?

Sometimes I'm too old and
too smart to speak the truth.

If you talk to Jerry,
I may have violent urges.

Stay away
from my man, Katie.

- Alan, I just had sex
with a stranger.
- When did this happen?

Ten minutes ago, right here.
Finished nine minutes ago.
I was incredible.

- Score, score, score!
- Stinker!

Ow.

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