All language subtitles for Zero.Stars.S01E07.Transylvania.720p.WEB.H264-NGP-CEsubs

Sorry, I'm a dangerous monster.

You are. You're a deadly Dracula.

Woo -hoo!

We're here, baby.

Most travellers avoid bad reviews.

Let's see what the review says.

One star.

One star.

One star. I've never seen anything more
stupid.

If I could give it zero stars, I would.
But not that.

I'm a woman in a man's world. I make up
my own mind.

I'm Sarah Pascoe. I'm brilliant at this.

I'm Roisin Conaty. Come on, fishy,
fishy.

We're comedians, but more importantly,
best friends.

As someone who has received bad reviews,
I will always try to look for the good.

So we're turning the tables on the
review site.

They were so busy, twice in their phone
moment, they forgot to look out.

And visiting places based on the worst
reviews.

I'm closer, it's nothing to be afraid
of. My review is 100 stars.

But will this journey of salvation be a
five -star fun fest?

Or are we in for a holiday from hell?

Transylvania, baby!

Here we are.

Wow, I'm excited.

I'm very excited about being in
Transylvania.

I'm a big Dracula fan.

I like the teeth. I like the cloak.

I like the hairdo. I like the kissing.

I like the bat.

I like the love.

I like Robert Pattinson.

I'm all in.

I'm doing my revision on the plane.

What do you think?

I'm only two pages in. I fell asleep.

I'm a big Dracula fan. Are you? I'm
going to get you on to him. Well, you

tell me about it then. What happens at
the end?

Oh, it's all sexy.

Is it?

Scary sexy.

Whoa.

On this trip to Transylvania, I would
like to maybe confront some things I'm

scared of. I'm not into vampires.

I think vampires are scary and very
smelly, apparently, because they've been

alive for hundreds and hundreds of
years. They're all, like, fusty, dusty.

live in the dark.

I'm a sunshine, daytime person.

Hi. Hi.

You must be Alex.

Yeah, I'm Alex.

You're a lot younger than I was
expecting.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everybody's telling me this.

I've read that the vampires, that's the
thing, they look young even though

they're hundreds of years old. We just
need to check. Yeah. Oh, right, I see.

I'm a bit over 200 years old, so, yeah.
Right, he's the right guy. Yeah, we've

got an expert. Let's go.

Oh, yeah. I'm going to sit with Alec.

Yeah, do that.

You don't mind, do you? I absolutely
don't. I don't trust him not to bite me.

We're in the Romanian region of
Transylvania.

First place of Vlad the Impaler.

The historical nut job, some say, is the
inspiration for Bram Stoker's gothic

horror novel, Dracula.

Vampire tourism pulls in over a million
visitors per year. But is there more to

see here than just sexy bloodsuckers?

We're taking Alex's spooky white van
from the town of Sigishwara through the

countryside to the gloriously named city
of Perda to find out.

We're here.

Hotel Transylvania.

It's loud.

It's spicy loud.

This is not so but so. It's too close to
the road. But a constant traffic jam.

Would you like to hear a review?

If you shout it. Yeah, I'll shout.

Try to fall asleep fast since the walls
are really thin and you can't miss the

moans. Well, the moans would be better
than the road.

Oh. At least moans aren't traffic.

Traffic's my worst noise.

Well, if you have a car, there's someone
else up and going to orgasm. Well, I'm

sorry I was so loud.

We did not stay at this hotel. We only
had lunch. Here we experienced the worst

mashed potatoes in my life. It was
amazingly bad, taking into consideration

most of the second dishes had such
garnishment.

I think that person's having a stroke.

But the mashed potatoes are bad and the
walls are thin.

What's your worst wish to seek, Sue?

Foxes. Mysterious footsteps.

Ghostly children you can't see.

Oh, I love that noise.

Rolled out the red carpet for you.

Special guest.

Hello. This is big. Can I ding it?

I've never seen one that big.

Would you like to check in, please?

Okay. Room number one and room number
two. The room is there in the front.

this means you can't bring anyone back.

If I'm next door. Thin walls.

What if the person in number three is
the fox with the horn?

Ooh, the terrace outside our bedroom.

Like a bar.

It's weird, isn't it?

Just going to bed.

Right then.

That sounded like an invitation. I know.

And it wasn't not one, actually.

Good night, gentlemen.

It's a yellow room.

It's fine. It's very quiet.

And what... What is that?

A little bed fin.

It's just a cushion where they push
the... What?

Let's see if he's worn.

I'm going to bang on your walls, Sarah.

Hello?

Did you hear? She didn't hear that, did
she?

I've been hearing you talking!

What's going on?

Look! I can hear her now.

Roisin!

My sexual pleasure moans are normally
like...

Can you hear that?

Who are you talking to?

Oh, this is what they do in the movies.

Hello?

I couldn't really hear anything. Every
time I thought I heard Roisin, it was

actually a man outside.

They're not that thin, is the thing.

This room's making me seedy.

That's what this room, I think the only
one with this room, it's got a seedy

vibe, and I think that gets into your
pores, and then you do stop making

noises.

And do you know what? I don't drink
anymore, but if I did, and most people

do, and you're like, how am I going to
get home?

Just have a little drink out there, and
you're four steps to your room.

Just reading a love.

It's how you view the world, I think,
and some people are just moaners.

Chapter one of Dracula by Bram Stoker.

This is 40 euros a night, and I think
that's very, very fair.

Budapest seems like a wonderful place
from the glimpse which I got of it from

the train.

It's not very scary, is it, at the
moment?

Having had some time at my disposal...
It's Dracula.

Dracula.

Dracula.

Hi. Hey.

You. I've been reading you Dracula. Did
you hear any? I didn't, Sarah.

It's not very scary. It's mostly about
paprika chicken and the train timetable.

Did you hear my moan?

You'll hear a little bit of it.

But I thought also it could be the
people outside.

I can definitely hear them. I don't know
how someone would be enjoying

themselves that much to moan at such a
pit that's louder than me shouting the

works of Bram Stoker.

The lorries are going past and you can't
hear them. No, it's not. They've got

really good soundproofing. I'm beginning
to think people are full of shit.

Don't listen to them.

Find things out for yourself.

We're in town to make our own minds up
about the birthplace of Vlad the

So, this is Siggishwara.

Siggishwara. It's so pretty.

This is not what you think of when you
think, oh, Vlad the Impaler was born

here. Word on the street, though,
apparently King Charles... Yeah.

..owned ten properties here. And it's
because he's, like, the 16th great

-grandson of Vlad the Impaler, which
he's kept quiet up till now, hasn't he?

Are you telling me that Prince Charles
is drachy?

He's got a little bit of drachy in him,
yeah.

I met Prince Charles once. You were
there. The GQ Awards.

But I remember Prince Charles being
hotter than I expected. He's not unfit.

OK, we'll talk about this off camera.

This is like we used to fancy David
Cameron. I didn't fancy him. I had a

I can't help it.

Here we are.

Casa Vlad Dracul.

Dracula's house, baby. Yeah.

It is...

museum to vlad the impaler it's where he
was born yeah allegedly and that's who

dracula is based on yes it's beginning
of the myth and the reviews aren't good

i'm afraid to say roisin one star this
is from someone saying if vlad dracul

would be alive he would throw your
employees from the tower for laziness

attitude oh dear it's aggressive that's
violent they're also sound like a fan of

vlad the impaler yeah it's excessive in
this day and age oh drag key

Mr. Dracula.

Let me see.

And all these torture weapons.

Vlad the Impaler.

This is the OG Drackey, Vlad the
Impaler, also known as Vlad Dracula

dad, Vlad Dracul, a .k .a. Daddy Cool.

He was a 15th century Romanian ruler who
enjoyed impaling his enemies on spikes,

drinking their blood and reform of
Pilates, but you don't hear so much

that. And now you can get his face on a
mug for a fiver.

What a legacy.

It's very red and spooky in black.

And there's the spooky man.

Hello.

Hi. Are you Dracula?

I'm David.

Hello, David.

That'll do.

What is there upstairs, actually?

Dracula's room.

Spooky place.

Oh, spooky place.

OK.

So you can come after me. Thank you. You
go first.

But be careful, Dracula is there and
he's waiting for you.

Ooh, let me in.

David, don't say things like that.

Drackey, I'm coming, Drackey. I don't
know if I like this.

You know, like Madame Tussauds, they're
scary.

I think there's something up there.

Careful, please tell me if anything
jumps at you.

Oh, Dracula.

I'm just thinking that David's not going
to come up and bite my bum or

something. What's happening?

The piano's an interesting choice.

I like the idea of him being a pianist.

I love blood, you love blood, we all
love blood.

Well, it's good, actually.

It's flattering lighting, I think.

It's good stuff.

I think David's having a sleep.

No, no, don't say that.

Sarah. Oh.

Oh, you got me.

That's very sweet of you.

Oh, you're a bit scary.

This is why you're so good with
children.

Sarah's giving him nothing, and he's
just like, maybe I didn't scare her

Oh, no!

It's patronising.

It's not. It's what he lives for.

No -one would be scared in there, sort
of middle -aged, overweight man in a

coffin doing half a sit -up at you.

But it's hard if that's his job, just
doing sit -ups. Yeah.

Whoa!

Like that, yeah.

Did they commit to the bit? Yes, they
did. Look how hot it is out here. They

still lied in the coffin in a cape.

Back in Itamar.

Yeah. Do you want to have a little
breather? It would be ironic if Dracula

Or he's taken his face off, he's too
hot.

Are you all right?

He's panting a bit.

I can see his tummy.

I think you need to keep it a little bit
open.

I was really hoping to sort of get
steeped in the history, but as soon as

were inside the Dracula experience, I
realised it was silly.

It's a really silly place.

I'm starving to get food.

Lunch, baby. We're not eating here, are
we?

Yes, we are, Sarah.

Oh, no, there's going to be a spider in
my plate. We've got to eat lunch here.

Where will I get my blood?

We're in Transylvania, dining at Vlad
the Impaler's birthplace with a Dracula

-themed menu.

Mmm. I'll have a pint of blood and the
neck of a virgin, please.

Oh, a bit of cheese. Wash it down.

Dracula's pork stew with polenta.

Dracula's chicken roll with... He's
cooked a lot of these things.

Dracula's platter. Yes, please.

Oh, oh, here he comes. It's David from
Romania. David!

Hi. Again.

Hello, what have you brought us?

A soup and some food.

Is this soup in the bread?

Oh, that's good stuff.

Does Dracula have it or no?

No, because this has got garlic in it.

Dracula doesn't like the soup.

Not so much. I don't reckon Dracula
would like to meet a vegan.

He'd be like, this is woke gone mad.

That's what he'd say.

Okay, what am I eating here?

We have some vegetables, like tomatoes
and some meat.

And with onion, because this meat is
very good with onion.

Can Dracula eat onion? It's very close
to garlic.

Yes, but it's not so deadly for him.
Okay, that's good. Just a tummy ache.

you very much. Yeah, you're welcome.

Right, I'm going in.

It's smoked.

It's salami. It's salami.

That looks like cheese, a round cheese.

Mozzarella.

Nice. Okay, great.

It looks like you might make it a mouth.

I didn't mean to kill all those people.

Can I taste a bit of your bread?

Yeah. Sounds really dirty, doesn't it?
No.

Well, that is lovely.

It's sort of warm and rustic.

I don't know why it is Dracula -y. I
thought it might be like in a face or

something or to look like a... Let's
make a face.

Oh, shall we? Okay, great. Come on, what
are we doing here?

Eyes. We've got onions for the eyes.

I'm doing a hawk smiley face.

I've got the fangs. I've got the fangs.
The cheese fangs.

You've gone meat deep.

Well, it's Dracula, isn't it? So I'm
making him out of flesh.

Bit of hair for Drac.

I think he looks too friendly.

It feels a little bit like when serial
killers leave a mark.

A calling card. A calling card to go to
restaurants and make Dracula famous.

A smiley face diner for Dracula killers.

Let's go.

Bye, Dracula's platter.

Dracula's friend.

Wow. First Drac -y experience down.

Are you going to really keep calling him
Drac -y?

I'm going to call him Jackie to the day
I die.

Okay.

This is one of the prettiest places.

I had no idea it was going to be so
gorgeous.

Caricatures.

Oh, gosh. Now we're on holiday.

Oh, no, he's looking at us. Are we going
to do it? Oh.

Hello, man. Hello.

Hi. That's me.

So we're going to do serious, but we're
going to give a little bit of fun.

Fantastic.

But it's not serious.

It's half and half.

Like those Victorian pictures.

Yeah, like sitting still.

I don't understand the talk of vampires.

Lucky you've got me and I understand
you, baby.

I understand you, yeah. I understand the
drachy language.

Vampires understand each other. Yeah.

What's your name, sir?

Dan. Dan? Dan.

Oh. I'm...

Like in English, Dan.

Oh, nice.

I'm Roisin, this is Sarah.

Have you met Dracula, Dan?

Yes. Oh.

And that's the end of that sentence?

Where did you meet him?

For me, what is Dracula?

Do you believe in Dracula?

No, he's not up for that. He's serious.

He's serious, no. You don't believe in
Dracula, no.

Do you think we should have been on
different phones, right?

Yeah. Is it too late? If we move, he'll
get annoyed.

When he comes back, he might look at us
again and jump.

Is it too late to change?

Dan, hate us.

We're ready.

We're ready.

We're ready.

You are very good.

They see our spirit.

Yeah. I don't think we could use it in a
passport photo.

There were no reviews of Dan's work
online.

According to my research, the only
Transylvanian artist called Dan died in

Ooh.

Anyway, we're headed back to the hotel
for safety and to try the worst mashed

potato one reviewer has ever tasted.

Please, mashed potatoes. That's why we
came.

They're sticky.

Ready? One, two, three.

They're fine.

What do you mean the worst mashed
potatoes in his life?

There's only so much a mashed potato can
do on its own. It can't fill that void

in your soul. It's a spud. This is a
danger of views. It's made me fearful.

eating them like I'm eating something
really outlandish. Like, I'm like, oh,

mashed potatoes. And that's how fear
spreads.

Well, ordinary life, you just wouldn't
order them. You'd miss out on something

delicious.

Well, I'm going to go into my room,
Sarah. Good luck on your long, long

I'll see you in about ten minutes when I
get bored and I come in and you better

stop reading and talk to me. Yeah.

The next day, we checked our necks for
bite marks, no joy, and we're on the

again.

Our driver, Alex, wants to show us
there's more to Transylvania than

he's taken us to the countryside for a
traditional Transylvanian cooking class.

We're assuming there's no garlic if you
catch my drift.

The doggy!

Oh, wow.

This is so lovely.

Oh, it is a doggie. Hello. It's a
doggie. Come on. I brought you to some

family's friends.

And here you're going to learn to make a
traditional dish called zakutka.

Right, okay, great. I'll tell Roisin
what we're here for.

So they've brought us here to dig up a
corpse and make sure he doesn't go to

hell. Come on.

I don't feel like we're going to see
Jackie here. This is a very separate

of the trip.

This is real. This is no more mythology.

This is real life now in Transylvania.
We're back in the real world.

God, I hate the real world.

This is where we're going to learn to
cook zakuska today.

And she is Ilon, my neighbor.

Hello, Ilon. And she's going to show you
everything that you need to know to

make a perfect zakuska.

The cuca is a traditional Romanian
vegetable spread made of aubergine,

tomato, peppers, and the blood of a
virgin.

Just kidding.

There's no onion.

The problem with me is I'm normally a
hindrance in the kitchen. I'm keen.

I'm keen.

Did you tell her I'm a hindrance in the
kitchen?

Oh,

it's a mincer. Go on.

Oh.

That's why you don't need to add meat,
because you've got a bit of finger in

there.

Elon's machine for chopping the
vegetables is incredibly dangerous,

essentially have to push your own digits
towards a moving blade.

And, um... What's that? There's your
riddle. Oh! Was it gone?

Oh! Yeah, I left it there.

Thanks for it. You got it.

She got it.

She got it.

Is there anything we can do so you can
do this properly and we can be of help?

The hay, we're going to make the hay.

We leave Elon, no relation, to finish
off the zakuska and to keep our end of

bargain, we head off to work in the
field.

Right, so this is the haystack, is it?

Oh, well, it looks like a beehive.

A tribute to Amy Winehouse.

So we have to use this stick.

We've got to start another one, that
one's finished.

I thought she might say go and make
friends with the sheep.

We got sent out to a field where it's
boilingly hot and full of really jumpy

grasshoppers.

Oh, sorry.

I've got no spatial awareness and
they've given me a six -foot spike.

This is all going to be absolutely fine.

A glorious bit.

And thus Transylvania gave birth to a
new icon.

Roisin the Impaler.

There's a bit for you to dance on.

This is not what I expected of
Transylvania.

No, it's not.

It's completely different to the stuff
we have been doing. Yeah. In castles,

wearing cloaks and spiky teeth.

When you say that, you get me really
nostalgic for it.

You're married to the night now, aren't
you?

Incoming!

Do you know what I think we should do,
Sarah?

Alex?

Yeah, you just finish up, Alex. That'll
be nice.

It's not the nicest thing we've done on
the strip. We're going to see how much

Alex gets done on ours while we go and
have our stew.

He's a very polite guy.

Lovely man.

Hates us now.

Making 20 % of a poorly packed haystack
is hard work.

Time to get stuck into the zakuska.

It's so delicious.

Thank you.

It really actually was worth.

A very, very long day. Sorry we've eaten
in so fast. We're really hungry. Sorry

we weren't very helpful in the end.

I really liked Elon. The winning part of
the day is she's absolutely adorable.

Her hospitality was really lovely.
Whereas I think it might be anti

I'm also the opposite.

I like the outdoor manly work more than
the kitchen.

Yeah, you're dancing around that pole
like a good 'un.

That's me being anti -feminist as well.

We're in Transylvania.

Ooh, spooky.

And we're starting the day with a trip
to a dragon -themed theme park.

Dragons and vampires.

Take a day off, Transylvania.

One star.

If I could give it zero stars, I would.
Very bad place. Do not recommend.

Not enough detail. It doesn't scare me.
What I like about the review is they've

sort of gone... Yeah.

Dun, dun, dun, and left the review page.
Slammed their TripAdvisor down and just

left us, like, shaking in our boots.

Do you want to find out how bad a place
it is? Yeah, let's go in.

When you hear about a dragon theme park,
you visualise massive roller coasters,

dragon faces, flames coming out of the
back, knights protecting, you know, the

whole fantasy.

This is a bit different.

This is nice. This is lovely.

As we walk through the flower garden, I
do think this is a bit more like my

local park than a theme park.

I guess it's a nice thing if you're
about to go and do real high -octane

you come out and you go to the garden
and you chill next to the flowers. Yeah,

that's really good psychology, Roge.

Map -wise, we've just been through the
garden.

This is the lake.

A fish.

It's much smaller than it looks on the
map.

I'll tell you what's more worrying,
Sarah, is that that has made it onto the

map. This fish, but this size.

was on the map as a kind of like, you
want to get here, you know, beat the

queue. I don't trust this map now.

Cool little caterpillar roller coaster.

Oh, too scary for my blood.

Beautiful pedalos.

Toadstools. Oh, look, fairies. This is
adorable.

We've heard a rumour about this place.

Hello. Hi.

So we've tracked down the owner to see
if it's true.

So you say that Vlad the Impaler was
born here?

Yes. My family is ancestors of Dracula.

So this is the second place we've been
told Vlad the Impaler was born.

So I'm like, how many Vlad the Impalers
you got?

The legend tells he's born here. And
after three days, go to Figgishora.

Oh, yes.

20 kilometers from here. We write it
down. Yes. But the truth is he born

Ah. His garden.

I guess if that's your biggest story.

then everyone has to be attacked for it.
I think if you went to Bethlehem,

everyone would be like, oh, yeah, Jesus
was born in my shed.

Oh, yeah, I'm descended from Joseph and
Mary.

So did you build the garden?

No, this garden was built 66 million
years ago.

My ancestors let one dinosaur to come in
the garden. Just one? Just one, because

it's very bad, the dinosaur.

Yeah. It eats everything.

And in this garden, the plants are
magical.

And after this dinosaur eat this magical
plant, he became the dragon.

And all the dragons in the world breed
from this garden.

Maybe he was told stories as a child and
never stopped believing in him, like

people who still believe in Father
Christmas.

I want you to meet my three -year -old
because you have very similar stories.

Yeah. I think you'd get on.

Thank you very much. It's lovely to meet
you.

Thank you. Bye -bye.

We can't put it off any longer.

It's time to try Dragon Law's biggest
ride.

As it's the birthplace of dragons,
course it is.

Rainbow Road.

Oh, what is it?

Oh, it's a rainbow slide. That's the big
finale.

Let's do it.

I don't like rides.

I don't like the lurching feeling when
you feel a bit sick.

Oh, we carry them up. I love a subtle
gradient, truth be told.

They really make you earn your fun,
don't they?

This better be a brilliant slide after
all this climbing.

Right. It might be really fast, Roche. I
might go down bareback.

Shut up.

Keep your top on.

No, keep on. But no, no.

No. You don't think I'm... No.

When I saw the slide, I was like, this
is going to be terrible.

I'm going!

Whoa, there she goes.

And it was magic.

It's quite a lot faster than I was
expecting it to go.

What a little spin at the end.

Just the right amount of scary is really
good fun.

I'm okay. Keep your feet in.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. There we go.

Yahoo!

That was so much better than it looked.
Wasn't it?

A real lesson in don't judge a book.

Don't judge a slide by its incline.

The review that we read said it's a very
bad play.

It's not a very bad play. It's a very
sweet play.

It's a mild play.

You're not going to have huge thrills,
but you might have a nice time.

Five stars from me.

This is quite different with my days
when we'd have our bags on the floor in

nightclubs. Yeah, you make me feel
nostalgic for the old days.

Tucking up belongings on the floor,
there's nothing in there, phones weren't

invented. We were absolute filth.

Stop shouting we were absolute filth. We
were absolute filth and you all should

know it.

These days the only thing we're flirting
with is a National Trust membership.

And it's time to nail down this Dracula
business once and for all. So I've

booked us on a historical tour.

I'm going to learn.

This is what I like to do. I'm dweeby on
holiday.

Yeah. I want to learn more about the
history.

Yeah. Me too.

You know, the real person, the family,
the dragon line. I don't want to hear

about a silly dinosaur.

I want facts.

Hello. Hello.

Welcome to Dracula Hotel and Restaurant.

My name is Alin. Nice to meet you. This
way.

Alan runs Dracula tours across
Transylvania. They normally last seven

days. But we reckon we can get the gist
in an afternoon.

Come on, Alan, calm down.

We came to sort of get a genuine account
of the history of Dracula, the man

behind the myth.

Vladdy. Vlad the Impaler is quite a dark
story on some levels.

But Dracula, Dracula the myth.

Do you know anything why Dracula came
back?

When did the blood drinking come in?

To the story.

Vlad the Impaler, also known as Dracula,
he impaled many, too many people.

And anti -Vlad the Impaler propaganda
said that he has the habit of drinking

blood. It was a source of inspiration
for Bram Stoker to use it as a character

in his book.

It's weird that if someone's already
impaling people and you're thinking, you

know what's even worse?

It's pretty bad by itself, isn't it?

I really, really have to separate
Drackey from Vlad. I like old films that

black and white about a man who's sort
of lonely and women who love him.

And surely he bites their neck.

No one's perfect.

Dracula tours are a part of the dark
tourism.

And Romanians didn't like the idea for
tourists coming here to see the Dracula,

the blood supernatural creature.

But nowadays something has changed. They
understood that Dracula is a good hook

to bring tourists in Romania and in
Transylvania.

Yeah, we came here for Dracula and then
we went on a rainbow flight.

Perfect. Nowadays, authorities begin to
build more and more highways because

they understood that Dracula loves the
main arteries.

Oh, high five. There he is.

Dracula liked finding fangs to do.

There we go.

That's why it's big in tourism. There we
go. I'd love a steak in your business.

Oh, that's fine.

A bucket of room.

A bucket of room.

In Romanian mythology, there's no
vampire.

There's no vampire?

No, there is something very similar,
which we call Strigoi.

Strigoi. And we have a tradition to help
the Strigoi attain his peace.

And you will see.

in which way this tradition used to be
made in the countryside in Transylvania

and Romania.

We're on a historical Dracula tour in
Transylvania and, yeah, this is

now.

No. No, thanks.

Don't like it? No, thanks. Too spooky.

They're bringing in a court.

This is someone who's recently died.
He's been bad to the crops. I'll protect

you. I will protect you. I promise you.
I'm good of heart. I'm a virgin. I can

protect you.

OK.

The ritual was absolutely terrifying.

It gives me the heebie -jeebies. I don't
like it.

He's got a real dark side to him.

We're saying little Catholic prayers in
my head because I don't know what

they're saying.

If you don't know what people are
saying, you don't know if you've been

Stop it, you. Go to heaven or hell. Make
up your mind.

Is this what she's like at the theatre?

When's the interval?

I'll see it, man.

He looks right at you.

Go forward.

I was terrified I offered Sarah straight
off.

Coach Rocky!

Well, my dears, thank you for watching
the ritual of killing a living dead.

I guess what I got from the ritual
playing out was where we get the whole

putting a stake through a vampire to
kill them, but I'm also worried that

around here do believe that stuff.

Keep in mind that the ritual has
availability of one year.

So one year from now, you have to be
back here in Transylvania, and we have

perform again the ritual. Don't dig him
up again after a year.

My review would have to be a review of
two halves. You might learn something.

You will go away terrified.

Dear God.

Should we run? I feel like... Climb back
into the daylight.

Thank God!

I left my bag in there. I'm not going
back.

I'm not going back. I don't want it.
Keep my phone.

Oh, no.

After you've rammed a stake into the
heart of a CPR dummy, there's only one

thing a woman wants.

My lady.

Thank you. To visit an underground
thought mine.

Thought mine. The review says I've never
seen anything more stupid.

And we like stupid stuff. We love stupid
stuff. Listen, they think they've got

stupid. They ain't been stupid yet.
We're the judges of stupid. Yeah, we're

judges. We're the stupid judges. We're
going to bring you stupid. Yeah. We're

going to be the stupid that stupid does.
Yeah, stupidest thing in the world.

You've never met us.

I hope it's stupid now. Better be
stupid.

Ooh.

I always get scared in tunnels.

It's quite deep. The word mine should
have given it away.

Is this free salt that you can just grab
on? It is. It's salt. Do you want to

lick some?

No, I'll wait till I'm in the mine.

Do you want to lick free salt?

No.

That's absolutely insane what you've
just done. That could be a spess off.

I don't lick the walls everywhere I go.

I'm off it. With the St Paul's
Cathedral, left it alone.

Lies. It's made of salt.

And I wanted the taste of it was salty.

It's delicious.

But I'll tell you what I'm not going to
do on this trip.

No matter how deep you bring it down.
It's free salt.

I'm not licking the walls. I've never
seen wild salt before, Roisin. It's just

growing for free.

When you go in a diamond mine, it
doesn't have walls of diamonds.

You have to dig for them.

Yeah. So I know it's not worth as much
as diamonds, but I was still excited and

wanted to lick. The walls are salty!

I mean, I can't believe you're still
licking the walls.

I love salt.

I wouldn't lick the walls for it. No,
but you put lots of seasoning on food.

I've seen you. You had four sauces at
lunch. Oh, yeah. Back to the kitchen.

I like a range.

Mayonnaise, ketchup, garlic sauce and
sweet chilli. That's excessive.

I love salt. It's a really good
preservative. That's as far as my salt

goes.

Oh, it's deep, Sarah.

It's absolutely huge.

You stay next to the wall side.

It's deep.

I didn't think it would get much deeper
than this. Yeah, really deep. Deep

penetration. Yeah. Centre of the earth.
Yeah, we're in... This is

pornographically deep.

I'm trying not to look down.

Don't look, don't look.

Yeah. There we go. Shall I lick the
button?

Lick the button!

Don't lick the button. I won't, I
wouldn't.

After waiting for every single tourist
to leave, I then had to face my fear of

heights in the lift.

Better be worth it.

Oh, wow.

I'm glad you're not looking.

Oh, don't say that. No, I just mean that
because it's a huge expanse. It's not

what I was expecting.

There's a park.

There's some snooker tables.

There's massage chairs. Why don't you
get in the airport?

You see what you've... The best bit.
Have you taken ayahuasca before we got

this lake? There's a lake on the other
side. Oh, my God, you're on drugs.

No, there's another level. What was in
that salt?

My first impressions when I got into
this salt mine was that I loved it more

than anywhere else I've ever been. And
then I fell more and more in love as we

got deeper.

Look, look.

It's stunning.

I can't, I can't. It's absolutely
breathtaking.

How anyone's ever visited the One Star
Review is like going to the Grand Canyon

and saying it's stupid.

The whole thing has got very surreal
quality.

Yeah. It feels like outer space.

Yeah. Even though we're in inner earth.

Yeah.

Oh, there's a ferris wheel. I don't
know.

Wow.

It's incredible, isn't it? I don't want
to go on it. We can't go on it. It's

broken. Is it? It's sorted over.

Yeah. It's just this beautiful.

spooky, cool architecture.

This feels like an apocalypse.

This feels like human beings used to go
to fun fairs before they built the big

black sky.

Oh, see, this is... I love these guys.

Have you ever been on one?

Yeah, but what the hell are they doing
here?

It's a salt mine with four massage
chairs.

Yeah.

OK. I started.

Oh, come on, this is what we needed.

Oh, it's a good start. It's right up my
head now. It's massage. Hello.

Oh, it's doing the bump.

How did you say something was stupid
when there's a massage chair? It's doing

the Jenny Teeth.

In the salt mine.

Is it doing the Jenny Teeth? Yeah, it's
the salt mine. It's assaulting you.

I was not expecting it to do much
anything. I'm not doing much anything.

It's not doing much anything. It just
rubbed past my buttock. Mine's not

past my buttock.

Mine's trying to get into my mind if you
catch my drift.

Okay. This is frightening.

You need to relax.

You need to relax. Did you just do a
normal massage? You sound like a creep.

Why are you touching me?

Doing my thighs. Oh, that is right up my
butt. Is that up your butt? No. What if

I press? Lower back. You're just sitting
up, relaxing back in a chair. Oh, okay.

If you get pregnant and have a tiny
chair.

The bit you're talking about is lower
back. What if you pressed on mine?

done something. I've not pressed it. It
likes you. That's not my fault.

Okay, so I'm imagining it now. No,
believe women. Believe women.

Oh, God.

I'm never going for a massage with you
again, let me just say.

I think you're off your nuts since you
lit that salt.

I am having a lovely time.

Look at that water.

Oh, my God.

That looks like... What's that cake?

I'm always thinking of food.

Marble cake. Yeah. Yummy.

Water. There should be more cake.

A marble cake stand wouldn't go astray.

Just to get my blood sugar up after that
bombing.

Hello. I'm Roisin. This is Sarah.

Hi. Can we borrow a boat, please? Yeah,
sure.

It really feels surreal.

When you look at the walls, it's like
the same thing as in tree trunks and in

our fingerprint.

And it makes you feel really like, oh,
we're of this.

And it's really, really beautiful to see
it. You feel very part of it. I really

got that because I'd licked it.

I looked up to the top and I was like,
I've licked you.

I've licked you.

She was just trying to get to the edges
to start licking a bit. I'm so small. It

made me feel so uncomfortable. I could
never lick you all.

That's what I was saying. Remember
tongue out.

It's actually road.

It was so romantic.

Imagine working down here.

I can't imagine anything. I'm just
trying to learn how to row.

I feel like I'm like me. I'm like, isn't
it great just to punch the picket? Look

at the... I swear that there's a way to
do it because I'm like, the oars are too

big. I think you've done very well. Do
you think so?

Actually, I'm going to have to go
backwards for a bit. Yeah, do you.

There's no rules down here.

I mean, there are some rules. Don't
graffiti.

There's no smoking.

It doesn't say no boat donut. You do
some donut. You know,

me and my boat donut.

Get me to it.

Big puddle in a Tesco cup.

I feel like I've been to a spa.

Well, you have. You've had a massage.
I've had a massage.

Nice salty air. My body's all relaxed,
which is so weird. You've had a row

in a beautiful lake.

Your heartbeat just knows. Calm down.

You're safe.

The salt will hold you.

I'll tell you what this wasn't, Sarah.

Stupid.

The person who came here and their
review was, I have never seen anything

stupid.

I've got so many questions about their
life and what they have seen.

Yeah. This is not a stupid place. It's
not stupid to look at. No. I've seen

much, much more stupid things.

Windmills. They're stupid. Absolutely
ridiculous things. Yeah. I've seen dogs

clothes.

I kind of like that. Well, they look
stupid, though. They don't look like,

you can do my touch. I think they look
smart.

I've never wanted to sort of track down
a one -star review as much as this. No.

From Edinburgh 2010, the list.

What's happened in Transylvania is what
every tourist really wants, which is

being utterly surprised by something
unexpected that you would never have at

home.

I came to Transylvania expecting
something out of a horror film.

But even the theme park was lovely.

And if anything, the scariest thing was
how much I loved licking the salt mine.

Transylvania gets five reanimated
corpses out of five.

Thanks for the memories.

There's lots to do that isn't Drackey.

But if you're a Drackey fan, it's great.

You know what? I love Drackey even more
than when I arrived. And I love

Transylvania. No matter how bonkers it
got, I stuck my neck out. I really got

teeth into it. Only negative was the
pervert massage chair.

It's doing my Jenny teeth.

Even that wasn't all bad.

Five drac is out of drac.

Transylvania, I've got to say, it's a
winner.

My review would be, had a great time,
would come again.

I think I could learn to talk with these
teeth.

Just try it. Hello.

Oh. Yeah, I don't think you do much
radio.