All language subtitles for schuks_your_country_needs_you_2013_576p_-_online1983_track02

my body

This is the driving range or the skeet
-shooting range?

But I don't understand Afrikaans, sir.
You can't do this.

I'm a distant cousin of Gupta.

You clap me?

I am a distant cousin.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, it's Leon, it's Leon, it's Leon,
sister.

It's Leon, I got it.

Yeah, Leon.

Come here, son. Excuse me.

Go on the camera.

Go on the camera.

This whole bloody country is going down
to hell.

Look here.

That's the picture I dreamed.

Check this one.

What about this one?

Chuck, your country needs you.

Hey, it's cute.

Sir, we need something to uplift our
people.

Something to make them laugh.

Your country needs you.

Are you talking about another hidden
camera movie?

Yes. No.

That's what your dream was telling you.

Your country needs you.

No more candid movies for me. I'm too
old to go out there and get flopped

around. I've been there, done that.

Yes, Wayne.

Dad. Yes. My scooter packed up again.

Oh, not again.

Please won't you pick me up? I'm at the
local Wimpy. Okay, I'll be there now.

Thanks, Dad. Yes, I'm Wayne.

Shorty, keep the coffee warm.

I'm Shucks' son.

And so begins the crazy piece of my
life.

And Dad's, for that matter.

You

are

doing 120 in a 60s doll. That's 1 ,500
cents.

Can I see your license, please?

Sorry, officer.

I left my license at my office. I'm
sorry.

Hey.

What's going on here?

My son's a pedileptic, aphrodisiac,
insomniac. A bleeder. I'm rushing him

a hospital.

Why didn't you say so? You can buy your
kid some school books.

Go. You corrupt bastard.

Go. Thank you. Thanks.

Nice acting.

How's it?

Gee, son, I was impressed. I didn't know
you could act like father like son, eh?

Triple the old block.

I got it, Shucks.

When we do this movie, Wayne can help
you with the gag.

And he can take the hits for you.

Anytime. Listen, for art, I'll take one
on the chin. I mean, think about it,

Dad. Little Shucks. The human punching
bag, eh?

Shucks, listen to me.

Fry bari.

Pot holes.

Eat holes.

Best service. All the cuck in the
country. Your country needs you.

I told you, no more candid movies. My
body's wrecked.

Come on, Dad.

He's dead. Me.

Dead. Do it, Chuck.

You're on.

Chuck and son, let the game begin.

Your country needs you. Play to us, tip
one.

Game. I had no idea what I was into.

Watch and learn.

Yeah, Georgia.

Who's this?

Husband.

Who's husband?

No, no, no, no, no. She didn't say
anything about her husband.

I'm sorry. She, as far as I'm concerned,
she's unmarried.

Ah. No, if you want to be cross, be
cross at her.

She's the lying cheat here.

Oh, you want to blix me?

Okay. I'm at the Wimpy in the Glen.

I'm wearing a blue windbreaker with a
striped shirt and I've got a grey beard.

Okay.

Okay, come over to the

Wimpy. I'm wearing a blue checkered
shirt.

That's fine. You must come.

You want to murder an old man, that's
fine. I'm wearing a blue checkered and

white shirt.

I've got grey hair.

I'm wearing white running shoes. I'm
reading my newspaper.

Yeah. Now come murder me. I'm ready for
a fight.

I might look old, but I will murder you.

And I'm wearing a black t -shirt with
glasses.

Come in. Come and wear me. I'm wearing a
black t -shirt with glasses.

I'm wearing a pink pullover.

Yeah, stripy, blue stripy shirt.

Come here.

I want to talk to you. Is this your
husband, man?

Is this your husband?

Yes. Do you know what this man is doing?

You know, you leave a man's wife alone,
sir.

Okay, uncle.

Don't mess with another man's wife. Do
you understand that? Okay. Okay.

I will move you. Okay.

You don't mess with my wife, my friend.

Okay. Sit down.

You've been chucked.

So, Dad, what do you think? I was fast,
I was sharp, I was on my feet. What do

you say?

I say don't get too cocky. Well, I say
careful I don't outshine you.

See the worry in my eye.

Camera one, stand by for a victim.

What is your surname?

And we've left the intercom open.

Listen to this. You know he's got a
bumping noise?

You know what it was?

I took off the hubcap and the knocking
noise, you know what it was? It was just

a stone.

This is what we've invoiced him for. I
got the invoice.

Front wheel bearings.

Levy joint, left and right, and labor.

6 ,600 rand, boss Jack. Clean profit
wise, man. The stone cost nothing.

Now take the invoice to Mr.

Moore, but look sad, Ned. Look very sad.
So we're going to make nearly 7 ,000

rand profit.

Mr. Moore, I'm sorry, man.

You know, what happened is...

That knocking noise that you spoke
about, the front wheels were to put in

stevie joints and new bearings. That all
amounted to $6 ,600. Okay, but I

overheard a conversation now, yeah? No,
no.

Somebody's talking to somebody saying
there was a stone in my hubcap or

something. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That was another
customer. No. No, no, no. I heard my

name. No, no. We would never do that to
you. This is my friend. I'm not dead.

No, I'm not dead.

Listen, don't shout at me. I can't
mention who's the guy that you spoke to

No, no, that's not... Go and call me. Go
and call me.

Are you a dog?

No, I'm not a dog. Are you a dog? Don't
you call me dog.

Don't you call me dog. Well, then,
there's your invoice. You're going to

this thing.

Yes, ma 'am. I'm not paying for this.

Are you saying sorry?

No, I'm not.

If you don't... If you don't get...
Okay, okay, okay.

Hey. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

Shut up. Oh, fuck you. Don't... Thank
you.

Don't you tell me.

Don't you tell me.

I'll take you to Stevie or whatever.

Well, I'll take you.

Okay, okay.

This is Leon's sister.

You've just been shucked.

You've just been shucked.

Mr. Moore. Oh, Mr.

Moore. It's a joke.

Your country needs people like you.

It's just a joke.

You got the story? Yeah, I got the
story. Through the agent.

Shorty has approached some young
actresses to audition for a film role

famous American director.

They've been told that his time is
limited and whatever happens, they must

come late.

But first, they have to get past us two.

Let me play the main security guard.
You're old, you might get hurt. Give me

chance. Uh -uh, not yet, not yet.

You'll get your chance, China. Okay, I
got it.

That was a casting agency.

He has the first accent.

A little forward.

That is right.

What is the purpose of your visit to
this particular... What type of

For a movie audition.

Can you show your ID, please?

If I want her to show me her ID, I will
ask for it.

What movie are you auditioning for?

Can I please just go?

But can we see your ID first, please?
Listen.

Listen.

If I want to have an ID, I will ask for
an ID. Do you understand me? Can

I please go in?

You can't go in before you answer the
questions. Give me your license.

And if you got your ID there too, you
can... Okay, sorry.

Excuse me, sir?

I'll stuff you up, okay?

You keep your mouth about the ID shut.

Why are you asking me these questions?
Why, why?

Why are you trying to achieve... Just
calm down, just calm down.

I am a security officer and I am allowed
to ask any question that I want to ask,

okay? What time is your appointment?

It is now.

It's now. My agent phoned me. She said I
have to be here now.

So I'm here now.

And I'm late. So can I please... Okay,
before you go, then I will let you go.

Can we see your ID, please? I don't do
nothing. You are in contravention.

I don't give a... Did you

get her ID?

Surprisingly, this one has arrived on
foot.

And our joke takes a completely
different turn. I've got an audition,

got no idea where.

What is the name of the director that is
going to do the audition?

I don't even know.

Sorry? I don't even know.

Yeah, but do you have an ID?

Hey. What? If you talk once more about
an ID. Okay, okay, okay. Once more about

an ID. Okay, sorry.

I told you.

Okay. Come, come here.

We know, sir. We treat everyone with
respect.

Come, come a little. Everyone with
respect.

I treat you with respect.

Yes, you do, but not him. Hey. Do you
have an ID?

Hey! No, no, no, no, no.

Mm -hmm. You know what? Mm -hmm. You
will not... I will kill you. I will kill

you. You do not touch that man.

I... No, no. No, no. Please help me,
lady.

Respect. How do you expect anyone to
respect you if you do not respect them,

sir? Don't you tell me you are a no
-name person. I don't care who I am. I'm

person, and so is he, and so are you. He
is an asshole.

Do you know what that is?

Yes, sir, and I'm looking right at it.

Are you calling me an asshole?

Not directly, no.

Are they searching for drugs? Searching
for drugs and for stuff. And we went to

Disney. Listen, it's not necessary to go
that far.

Don't touch her boobies. You told me I
was searching for drugs. Yes, like.

Stop it now.

No, don't. No, man.

Out of my way, lady. I'll kill you, man.

I'll hit your head like it's a baseball.

Stop it now.

Hey, stop it.

Stop it.

Now, shush!

Now, what is the issue between you two?

I want to check your ID.

Hey, stop! I'm not checking your ID, I
told you a hundred times! It's my job, I

want to check your ID!

I will keep this handbag. I want to tell
you!

that your country needs people like you.
I know.

Because you stood up for humankind
today.

Yes. You stood up for that asshole.

You have just been sucked by the
ancestors.

You realize if you can't tell

me what the place is where you want to
go to on this premises, you can be

smuggling firearms and rugs in here.

Listen. No, I know. Oh, my gosh. I'm
not. You take over the bloody job. You

it. It's your first day. You do it, but
you better do it good, okay?

Are you sure? Yeah, you do it.

Okay, I'm really sorry. I'm in huge
rush.

I'm very... I'm going to ask you the
questions first.

Number one.

What is your sex?

I'm obviously a woman. I'm a female.

Okay. If you're so sure, that's fine.

I... Are you unsure? Is that what you're
saying? I'm unsure of this question.

It's my first day. Please don't put
pressure on me in front of my boss,

Can I touch your boot?

Can you touch your boot? Just hurry up!

Here's the keys!

What is your... Please, lady!

Oh, my gosh.

What is in this door?

Uh, candles.

A door full of candles.

What do you use the candles for?

For a show.

Can I touch your handbag? I don't have a
handbag.

A first.

Must say such a first. Yeah, say such a
first.

What the? I couldn't put a gun here if I
wanted to.

Yes, I did. No, this is a driver's
license.

Please, please. Hello, security.

Hello? Listen, this actress is too late.

The director's leaving. Sorry.

No, no. Sorry, lady. You should have
come earlier.

Before you go, we've got to do a G5
security search to check under your car.

Leave him. We've got to go around. We
can't let you go around.

Underneath. No. Before you go. Can you
see anything?

Yeah, but wait for the side, Donnie.
Wait for the side. Do you know they like

put it on the side? No.

Okay. There's no firearms. Anything
there? No, I can't see nothing. Yes, put

firearms underneath it. Okay, now the
thing is. Please. Good, nothing under

car. Please.

Okay, the thing is, he was carried
upside down.

And we turned your world upside down
today.

Huh? Because you have just been sacked.

By Leon.

Sousa. No.

Yeah. There's no audition, lady.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Now that we can meet people

like you. Our country needs people like
you.

Welcome back, Rashid Gupta. Today, he's
a road worker.

Sort of.

An old chubby thief here is not
impressed at all.

Why are you looking at me like I'm
stupid?

You're stupid. I can see you're stupid.

Can't you bloody well read?

You can see it says stop on both sides.
Okay, did I do the sign?

Did I do the sign?

I didn't do the sign. The sign was done
by one of them at the depot. You see the

stop sign there?

I am the authority. I am the main person
here. Don't you shout at me.

I am in command here.

If you don't take this thing away, I'm
going to take it. I don't have the time

for this cuck, all right? No, don't take
my sign away.

If you take my sign, I don't have any
time for this.

Put that there. Hey, what are you doing?

Put that there, all right? Go and sit in
your car.

Okay, now I'm going to f***ing charge
you, Tawana. You touch me again, you

me again, I'll f*** you up. Do you
understand that? Yes, boss. You touch me

again, and I'm going to lay a charge,
and I want all your f***ing details.

And I want his details and his details.

I want every bloody thing. Do you
understand what I'm saying?

Don't you ever touch me again. I will
rip your nipples off. Do you understand

what I'm saying? I will rip your fucking
nipples off. Hey, I'm going to rip your

balls off.

If you touch me again, you touch me
again, Jonah, I will hit you in the

you understand what I'm saying?

Why are you so touchy?

Why are you so touchy?

You don't like it when somebody makes a
point to you.

You can't leave. I'm speaking to you.
I'm trying to make a point.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

You're going to leave like a chicken.

You've been shocked.

There's a camera there.

There's a camera there.

Remember the actress who drove through
the security booth? We were so impressed

with her that Sharks has offered her a
role in our movie.

Her name is Larie, and here she is, in
disguise and oozing sex.

Her task?

To accidentally drop a lot of money.

Excuse me, you dropped this.

Oh. You dropped this.

Thank you.

But, um, would you like to go up to my
apartment?

No, you lost that. No, I didn't. Oh,
you're going to be a fun one.

No, you lost it. No, I didn't. No, you
did.

You just gave me this.

Let's go.

I can see.

No, it shouldn't be here.

No, it shouldn't be here. Sir, do you
know that prostitution is against the

Yes, I know. Did he approach you with
the money?

What do you think I'm a prostitute? No.
I'm arresting you, sir. You don't have

to, because I'm going to arrest you. No,
no, I have to arrest you. You can phone

him, but I've got to arrest you, you
know. Come.

Let me phone my attorney.

Okay. Such an insult.

Insult? Yes. You're a prostitute.

You are what?

Then she must be a prostitute. You hear
what you said? Now you're in big

trouble. Now you're in trouble. Now
you're swearing also. No, I never said

said you're in big trouble, but I didn't
say you're in big trouble.

I didn't say that.

But you just called her a prostitute.

I'll find my attorney now. There's the
evidence. You've all got the authority.

I've got the authority, sir. I'm a cop.
I'm a metro policeman.

What God?

You must have a God to prove you're a
metro policeman.

I can't show you that.

It's not necessary, but I can show you
something else.

What? You know what? What? I can show
you a camera in there.

My name is Leon Schuster.

You've been shot.

Nothing.

How about you and I go upstairs one more
day?

I think I'm too young for that.

No, darling, you can never be young.

Come on. Come,

I'm a policeman. I'm arresting you.

There is the evidence. You have given
her 100 rand for her... No, I picked it

up. Sorry? No, I picked it up. No, no,

no, no. You just came up to me and you
just gave it to me.

No, talk the truth.

Both of you talk. You know you dropped
the money.

How old are you? I'm 20.

Well, I'm arresting you under the
Prostitute Act, law number 457 of 1967.

No! You can go now.

Give him his money. Give him his money.
It's his money. Because you wanted to

buy her for sex.

No!

I don't... You wanted to buy her for
sex. I'm taking you.

You've got the right to phone your
lawyer at the police station. I left my

phone. I left my phone. Like, can I get
my phone? Oh, my God, no.

You are allowed to phone your lawyer at
the police station.

You know what has happened today to you.
No. I am a cop, a black cop with a

badge. That is your worst nightmare that
has come true.

I don't have... Well, I'm taking you in
there. Come, come, come, come, come,

come, come. No, no.

This side.

No. This side.

Taking you into the van.

Did you give that money I've got
evidence on my camera Did you give that

to the lady because you want a sexual
pleasure from her? No, why did you

it? Did you drop the money?

Are you a prostitute?

Do I? No.

Oh, come on. Now you're joking with me.
I mean, I try to be nice.

No, no, no, I'm not joking. I'm
arresting you under the prostitute law,

of 1967.

Why did you give her the money?

Because it did lie here, and I've seen
how we dropped it. No, you are lying.

No. You are lying.

He thinks I'm a prostitute. No.

Okay, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you
what. Hey, hey, hey, lady, just go away.

Can you just move on? This is not a
circus.

I am the police.

It's rubbish

when

you're born.

Hear this whole thing for me today.

Pretend you know absolutely nothing, but
guide the guys through their emotions.

Don't tell me you're starting to trust
me.

It's less about trust than it is about
your confidence.

I don't have a problem with that. Well,
earn your strife.

You've got to love the old man's
subtlety. It's like a ten -pound hammer.

Anyway, we have put out the word that we
are making a beer commercial.

And this lucky guy is getting the acting
break of his life.

Take the golf cart down to set. That is
the gate key on your way.

Just press on the ignition.

Where do we go?

You go straight down the road, you'll
see the gate, and then after the gate is

the unit.

Okay, thanks.

There's no, like... Lions only?

No wild animals. And so off we drive
towards where the commercial is

being shot, with me pretending to know
nothing.

And along the way, just to spice up our
journey, a couple of tame lions have

been let loose.

There's a lion, bro! No!

There's another one! There's another
one!

Okay, watch watch watch

open

Did you hear that?

Yeah.

We must go

fast because I smell

So long.

The whole country is up in arms about e
-poll. So we have created e -cycling

here in Kromdraai. And we've added Larry
into the mix.

Hello. Good day.

All right. How are you?

Okay, and you?

Yeah. Have you heard anything about e
-cycling?

No, I can't say I have. Okay. Because
you guys use our roads, you've got a

specific lane to travel in.

We paid for that. Department of Tourism,
Traffic Department and e -cycling. Yes,

with our tax money.

With your tax money?

Yes. Well, what do you think we do with
tax money?

Do you realise what Zuma and his six
wives cost you? Give me 40 rand to pay

toll. I don't bring money on me because
we get robbed and we get stolen.

Have you heard about e -cycling?

Are you insane?

This road has been built here a long
time ago. We've been cycling on this

long time ago. You know what,

this is at each hole.

Everybody has each hut. Because you've
always got the saddle up your hut.

Yes, exactly.

Don't think that you are above the law,
my friend. I'm not above the law, nor

are you.

No, I'm not above the law. I am the law.

I can determine here whether I want to
take your bicycle. Take his bicycle if

wants to argue. You cannot take my bike
at all.

Take his bicycle.

I will have you in court. You've been
caught.

You won't see me in court.

What grounds are you taking my bike? On
this ground.

Here. Ground, dry ground.

Because you don't want to pay 40 rands
that you've got in your saddle sack.

I do not have 40 rands in my saddle
sack.

There's never been a damn tall road
thing e -cycling my ass, man. There's

been a thing on this road.

Okay, you can come through and walk.
Come.

I don't want to walk. I want to take my
bike and I want to go home.

You see, you live in the rich white
suburbs.

You're nowhere.

He can't take my bike. What's wrong with
you? You are resisting the law. You say

you will clap him, but he's bigger than
you, this one.

I couldn't give a rat's ass if he's
bigger than me. You couldn't give a

ass. I'll put the saddle up your ass.

Dude, you will not take the bike.

Well, it's got nothing to do with you
that I'm confessing. Why are you

Because I've got the authority to shout.

So that makes you... That takes me above
the law.

Above the law.

I'm Leon Schuster and you've been
shocked.

Good one.

Good one.

Sorry, my friend.

Must we take you by force?

You can try and take me by force.

You don't have the right to resist.

Oh, yes, I do. But you do have the
right.

You do have the right to be shocked.

Charles, these things you are doing
today scares the crap out of me.

Why don't you let Wayne do it? If
there's going to be heat, let him take

I don't think he's ready.

You have to let go sometime.

And what if he stuffs it up?

Put him against the wall and shoot him.
Yeah.

You are playing the husband.

Yes. Yes.

What if I get beaten up?

Good question. Why?

Because this cheating husband is about
to get caught for the benefit of these

two ladies.

Hi. No, sorry. I'm in a business
meeting. Can I call you back?

No, no, no, no. I don't have time for
that. Can you... Hello?

My battery just went flat. Can I use
your phone, please? I didn't have

You didn't have airtime? No.

Sorry, ladies. Do you think I could
borrow a phone, please? I need to make

emergency call. My battery's just gone
dead.

Thank you so much.

I'll pay you for it. I'll get them to
phone me back. No problem.

Thank you.

Larry has a bag of cell phones.

and I swapped a similar -looking one for
the borrowed phone.

Hello. Hi.

Yeah, no, no, I... Yeah, my battery went
flat. Sorry, I'm just... I borrowed the

phone from the guy I'm having lunch
with.

No, no, no, I can't... Listen, I can't
pick up the kids.

No, I'm at work.

Hey, who are you talking to? No one.

Sorry, I'm just busy. I'm talking to the
guy that I'm having lunch with. Sorry?

I'll be with you in a second. Give me a
moment.

Listen, I can't pick up the kids. It's
not my...

It's not my problem. I'm in a meeting
right now. White kids.

Nothing, nothing. White kids. Listen,
I'm having a meeting with a male

colleague, okay?

What? Hey, are you married? No, no, no,
no, no, no, no. Just give me a second.

I'm not talking to anyone. Listen here.

You're married. No, listen, listen.

Oh, shit. No, no, no.

Just hang on, just hang on. Oh, my
phone.

Come back here.

I'm sorry about your phone.

I'm sorry, ma 'am. Calm down. It's all
right. I'm sorry.

Then this little joke takes a very
unexpected turn.

Calm down. Close your eyes. Let's pray.

Lord Jesus, you are here with us.

You are here with us.

If you could help us through this, will
you calm him down?

Cheating on his wife is a terrible sin,
but forgive him.

We love you and we know you love us.

Thank you. Thank you so much. I
appreciate it. Thank you very much.

you look over there, you'll see there's
a camera inside of there. And over there

and over there, you've just been
shocked.

You're in a Leone system. Oh, happy day.

Oh, happy day.

Oh, happy day. Oh, happy day.

Wave to the camera.

Who said there's nobody in Gateng with
soul?

Thank you.

Now this guy and his friend are a
different kettle of fish.

Look,

I can't pick up the kids, man.

I'm having a meeting with a male
business colleague here, I promise you.

Listen, I'll explain to you now. Just
give me a second.

Why are you talking to me?

Are you married?

Listen, I'm sorry, man. Not a problem.
She's bloody mad, man. She's a bloody

bitch. I'm sorry. It's fine. Not a
problem. But I'm pretty sure that's my

that just dropped over there. Look, gee,
hell you're a big oaf. Look, please

don't hit me. Okay, look, seize the
problem.

I'm not going to hit you. Seize the
problem. That's fine. That's fine.

Okay.

Okay. Listen, guys, listen to me.

You broke my phone. Now I'm going to
break your neck. You see, guys, there's

camera over there.

When they sent me in here, I was like,
guys, I'm going to get moved by this.

Just please wait for the camera there.

Good thing that lady prayed for me, or I
might have been killed.

This is Jack Paddle, icon of

Afrikaans rap music.

Jack has invested a lot of money
marketing his distinctive peaked cap.

Indian friend is selling imitations. So
we've got Jack's agent to send Jack in

to investigate.

Now on stage, Jack is a wild man.

But off stage, he's a very calm guy. So
old Shax Gupta has to work to light

Jack's fire. Do you know Jack Barrow?

Do you know Jack Barrow? I know Jack
Barrow, yes, I know Jack Barrow, because

he's the one that sings.

The one that sings.

I'm Jack Barrow.

No, there is.

Oh, no, Jack Perrow has his ass in Cape
Town, my friend, not in Gauteng Island.

No, I'm Jack Perrow, and my manager said
I must come here because you have

rights to sell these cats.

No, no.

Hey, lady, I want to know from you.
Please, I want to know.

This man says it's Jack Perrow. No, it
is Jack Perrow.

Look, Jack Ferro, not exactly like you.
Yeah, but that is my

name.

It's spelled wrong, but you're selling
it as Jack Ferro. You can't do that.

illegal. It's spelled wrong because you
are the arrow from Ferro. That's where I

got it from.

Man, you know, Jack, Jack, it is such a
great honor for me to meet you because

you know what I like best from you? It's
where you go to the velvet skirt.

That the bolder skirt.

And that I'm doing you a favor. I am
empowering you. I'm lifting your image

with some people your image isn't good.

It's so similar, man.

Yeah, it's fantastic.

It's bloody fantastic.

Your word. Your word is fantastic.

Not one song with the bullshit.

You say the word, the F word, 39 times,
man. You make us look like Ray McCauley,

but I like you. You can buy these caps
and sell them here, but you can't make

your own with my name on it. And that
one... It doesn't work like that.

That one is... I've had enough of this
now.

Wait, wait, wait.

Can I see the tattoos on your tits? No,
wait. No, no, can I just... Feel your

detriment. Touch me again and I'm going
to slap you.

I'm taking these with me and I'm going
to leave now.

What are you going to do with my kappa?

What are you going to do with my kappa?

Slap you again.

Okay. In one of your songs, in one of
your songs, you say you miss, you miss

Schuster taking the piss.

This is Schuster. You've been sacked.

There you go, Jack.

There's the camera.

There's the camera.

You have been shocked!

Jack Badowa has been shocked by Leon
Schuster!

Yes!

I'm going to surprise you, right?

Okay, I've done it. This is it. And it's
all my own idea.

If I have to take a couple of cups for
my dad, I'll do it. That'd be good.

That's great. That's brilliant. Listen
to this.

So off we go to the Karoo, where two
rival rugby teams are about to clash.

We have told them that we are making a
documentary for the BBC on rugby in

Africa. And we have brought along our
very own referee.

Me and I am terrified.

Because what they don't know is that I
am the most biased ref since Bryce

Lawrence, blatantly favouring the
visitors, the green team, over the home

in red.

The crowd is instantly irate.

And Dad is instantly making trouble.

I'm giving him a yellow card to the side
of the field.

He just has to blow up balloons.

Listen to me, I'm going back to your
place. You're going to shut your brain

cold tower.

Can't you see I'm a dead cat, man?

Hey, you're better.

Let the red out, man. Or I'll blow
your... Hey, you're a good guy.

Let the red out.

What is that?

Who is this drunk old man?

Mark your war work, huh?

Mark your war work and then I'll sit in
your poo -poo.

Melody Green!

things turn nasty and even dad is
starting

to panic

to get away with my crown jewel intact.

You know,

Dad, I'm enjoying this more than
anything else I've ever done in my life.

Yeah, me too.

It's lecker.

You and me, eh?

Since the divorce.

It's not so good.

It's like we found something new, eh?

I know you never believed in me.

I have trouble believing in myself.

But I'm sorry.

Oh. Thanks.

I appreciate it. Really.

In the suburb of El Dorado Park, Shucks
is going to have some fun with some

locals, teaching them to fly a radio
-controlled helicopter.

We give the pilot a fake remote, while
Timmy is

actually controlling the chopper.

Thank you.

Mr. Karaki, spokesman for Mr.

Yamamoto, Japanese motor vehicle tycoon.

They are in South Africa with the
objective of meeting one man, Mr.

Peter de Villiers, former Springbok
rugby coach, whom they have flown up

Cape Town with his agent for a job
interview.

Peter Thorne.

Peter Thorne. Peter Thorne. Peter
Thorne.

Mr.

Yamamoto speak more English.

I am translator and negotiator.

Okay.

I am so honored we all are to meet a man
of great

nature.

Man of great power.

Man of great power.

You were uncrowned king of 2011.

We all know that.

He was a snake.

He had the ability of a dead rat.

And that's all on the devil's poo -poo.

Okay.

Everything not good with Japan rugby.

So what we think about?

to get somebody in to come coach
Japanese international

side. How you feel about that?

I'm honored. I'm very honored.

I mean, you know, I was at the World
Cup.

I followed Japan, how they went through
the

stages. It was very, very good at
certain games.

A few of the top teams, they were shaken
by what the Japanese can do. It's a

song. It's a song.

It's a song. Thank you.

Okay. Better for you not to bring life
along.

Because life makes sushi of your brain.

We can get for you...

very beautiful Japanese girl for massage
for your requirement.

What do you feel about that?

You know what?

My wife supported me when I was a
springboard coach.

And my wife is always on the background.

Yeah. What I would love to do is to
bring her across and she'll come back

She won't stay there all the time.

Ah, okay. We meditate matter. We
meditate matter.

Peter bring wife here along. Peter not
bring wife here along. Peter bring wife

here along. Peter not bring wife here
along. Peter bring wife here along.

not. Ah, perfect say. Peter bring wife
here along.

You okay?

What's up? What Peter doesn't know is
that we set up a little surprise in his

dream. Help you here.

Man of great stature.

Man of great stature.

Peter with Osha.

Thank you, we're okay.

Well, you know what? If I am there,
rugby is going to be number one. Number

And Japanese rugby is going to be the
best in the world.

Peter's phone!

Peter's phone!

No alcohol.

Peter's phone. Oh, okay.

Ah, how was that?

Good. To conclude deal with our rugby
board, it will be required of you

not to make silly statement to press.

I'm not saying anything.

No talk about ballet and tutu. You
compared rugby player to ballet dancer.

You must not say that silly thing.

The journalist actually went overboard
to make me look bad.

Ah, there more. But you never say the
word tutu. Not even bishop tutu.

Peter Song.

Very good. Very good.

Now,

let us feast.

Then we will close big deal.

Tampula.

Thank you. We must take our time.

But first, you can take with your hand,
okay?

Tampula is my best.

After you have Tampula, what hand?

In bowl, wash hand in bowl.

Good, good, wash hand good.

Salon.

Take bowl, take bowl.

Wash hand good.

Other hand good.

Now drink.

To the future of Peter de Villiers.

Peter, now for real deal.

We talk real deal.

If you win World Cup for the Japan,
which you can because Japan a lot be

we pay you $500 ,000 bonus.

How you feel about that?

Yeah. Ah, Peter thought.

Okay. Now, last thing. I want to talk to
Peter alone.

All of you leave.

You leave, leave, leave. Yes. I want to
talk to Peter private.

Yes.

Peter.

Mr. Yamamoto, he like you very much.

But him getting old.

Him having trouble with wife.

to get it up.

So he asked me for a special favor for
end of negotiation, which means a

few dollars more if you can get him to
watch Naz Botha and Julius

Malema dancing together in a blue bull
pink tutu.

I must see. I don't have that contact at
the moment, but I must see.

I got shucks.

I got Leon.

We have employed some temporary staff to
come and work in the bed shop.

I clearly instruct them that these three
beds are not part of our range and must

not be passed because they have been
specially made for a wealthy client.

No customers may go near these beds as
they.

are irreplaceable. 20 ,000 rand a bed.
Each.

Each for these beds. And not part of our
stock. So these are not for sale. I

think the best place is to come stand
over here.

If you stand over here and just watch to
see if there's customers coming in. You

know, you've got a good view of the shop
from here.

I'll be very quick. I'll be back in 20
minutes. Okay, no problem. Okay, laka.

Don't let him touch these beds. Any of
the other ones. Okay, thank you.

Okay. I am looking for the birds that
they advertised.

They said in this advertisement, it is
the birds that can take the weight of

elephant. Yeah, the big one.

Is it this bird?

No, no, no, not those. Is it not these?
No, not these. But these birds, they

look like they are very, very strong.

These ones, high corn. Only those we've
got. Only those? Yeah, and that side

we've got.

Yeah, you see, I need a bird.

Strong one. I need a strong bird.

You can check this out. Let me just feel
this one.

I said not this one.

You

know,

when my wife and I, we want strong beds.

Because when we make love, I jump.

You understand?

I jump on her like I'm an elephant.

Like this.

What are you doing?

What the bloody hell is going on here?
What is this? No,

no, no, no. It's not me, sir. Why is
your feet broken? No, I told you. I said

about the two guys.

No, I told you. I told you. I told you.

I told you.

Well, maybe you shouldn't eat so much,
you fat bastard. I will kill you, too.

No, no, no, no, no.

I know you're big. Calm down.

No, no, no, no. That won't scare me.
Please calm down.

Please, being angry is not going to help
the situation. I'm sorry. Please come

here. No, I think I know what to do.

I think I know what to do.

Please.

Please, please. Okay.

Okay, listen here.

You know what I'm going to do now? I'm
going to tell you that there's a camera

there. There's a camera there. My name
is Shax. Yes, sir. Leon. Yes, sir.

Shusta. Yes, sir. And I've caught you
for my movie.

Yes, sir.

You know what's my friend?

Our country needs people like you to
make them laugh.

Give the camera a nice smile.

Right. He came in. He wanted to take a
look at the bed. I explained to him, you

can't take a look at the bed. Hey, why
are there cameras in there?

The cameras in there? Yes.

Why? I have no idea why. Because you've
been shocked by Leon Schuster.

Oh, no.

Hey,

my friend, our country needs people like
you.

We have decided to have some fun with a
talking puppet and some kids.

And Shorty's job is to get the kids
interested.

Hello.

Hello.

I'm so sad.

What?

These other toys bully me all the time.

Please give me a hug. Okay.

Oh, thank you.

Don't cry. Thank you.

You smell like marmite and peaches.

What? Marmite and peaches. It's a nice
smell.

Please take me with you.

But I have to pay for you. How much? No,
don't pay. Just grab me and run.

What? It's the South African way.

I want to be your friend.

Come stand a little closer.

I've got an ache in my tummy.

Another one. Here it comes.

I've got nobody to talk to because I'm
the only talking toy in the shop.

Don't you want to take me away from here
and take me home, please?

Take me away.

Please, Cooper. I can sleep with you in
the bed.

And you can scratch my back and tickle
me until I sleep. But please, yes, yes,

yes, yes, yes, Cooper, let's go.

Yay!

Oh,

there's Caitlin.

Hello, Caitlin.

Nice to see you again. Rory's not very
good at giving me suckers, do you?

What if there isn't a next time?

What happens if you come here and I'm
not here?

You know what?

Suckers make my tummy sore. Listen to
this.

three okay one two oh sorry

let's try that again sorry i ate too
much suckers this morning why are you

giggling this is a very important escape
we're planning you can't giggle

Can you turn off your engine, please, ma
'am? Why are you driving so fast, ma

'am? I thought it was still 80.

I didn't realize it had changed to 60
here. Did you see the sign?

No, that guy turned it around here as I
was driving past. Who turned it around?

That cop. I just saw him turn.

Turning it. Maybe he was showing it to
me.

That's not my problem.

The last time I saw it, it said 80.

thinking that it was well you were
driving 89 so you were still over there

do you want to see it i don't know 89
i'm sure

i'll drive 60.

are you drunk sir no i'm not drunk i've
got a can i see your license please

that's another thousand rent spot fine
if you don't have your license are we

going to solve this problem now sir

It's clear that this uncle doesn't have
his driver's license.

But gee, he's not a bad actor.

Don't worry, sir. Just calm down.

Afrikaans singing sensation Bobby van
Jaarsveldt starred in the movie

which was such a success that the
musical was adapted for the stage, where

co -starred with the fabulous Lisa
Bonham.

On the left is Belgian producer Feryoun
Van Ging, who has come to South Africa

to audition talent for the European
remake of Lifelung, the movie.

On the right is André Schwarz, who is in
on the joke.

He is a renowned singer, actor, and
respected local talent judge. Whereas

Verjoen van Ging is a producer from
hell.

First to audition is Marlie van der
Merwe. And I'm auditioning for Melanie.

Okay, Marlie. Yes, welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Marlee. Yes. Marlee, Marlee. Marlee,
you've been very, very beautiful.

Thank you. How old are you now?

I'm 31.

Can I ask you a realistic, honest
question?

Yes. Do you do Botox?

No, I don't.

You don't do Botox because I would say
that you are like 35 and you have

yourself down to 30.

I'm just going to be frank, bluntly
honest with you.

I just want to say, like, I wouldn't
mind. I completely understand Botox. I

would completely do it if that's what's
expected of me. If I were you, I would

concentrate on beauty contests and going
maybe to, you know, Las Vegas or

Hollywood and go and be with.

with Hugh Hefner and his friend.

You are behind the note. Your note is
galloping in front of you. In other

you are singing out of tune. I think you
would make a she -wolf jealous.

What did you do with the money that your
mother gave you to take singing

lessons?

It is a no from me.

You cannot play the part that I am
looking for.

You are outstandingly crap.

Thank you for your time. Thank you. You
may go.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Nice to meet you.

How are you? It's Bobby, and it's Lisa,
and it's Sir Joon. How are you?

Good.

What are you going to sing for me?

This song has been called My Lever Dry
Om Yo.

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you.

He's just going into the chorus. No, I
don't want to hear a chorus.

Bobby, your movement was non -existing.
You don't move. There is movement in

this show, but you don't move. You stand
still on one place. You look like a rat

caught in a mousetrap. If you take off
your trousers and your shirt and you do

your audition in Speedo, people will be
attracted, but not moving.

Lisa, I have listened to you, you know.
I have got a problem in general with the

Afrikaans, a pronunciation of words
like... For

now.

In that song, what you do, you go...

None of you fit the description.

I have listened to Kurt Deren.

who is a very, very good -looking man,
who has got very, very good dancing

that he executes.

And Bobby, I'm sorry, maybe you must
just go into your speedo and show the

your sexiness, but not interested.

Lisa, for you, it's a no -no totally.

But none one of you made impact on me
today. I think you are...

actually talentless. I think you are
dead or something.

No. I'm dead. I'm dead. You say I'm
dead. You say that you are dead. You say

am dead. I'm sorry. For what reason do
you say I am dead?

I think you've gone absolutely too far.
You've really... Bobby, Bobby, I

can see Omar. I can see Omar.

You know what? You can go to... You can
go and sing your

leafling here.

Because you know what? Your country
needs you here.

I was the one that made you

conscious of pronunciation.

You're speaking about pronunciation.

Oh, man.

Can you be so rude to put down your cell
phone?

It is a joke. Yes, it is a joke.

And I am Leon Schuster, and I have just
prayed.

At a funeral parlour, these two
temporary security guards have been

to guard this coffin, which contains the
remains of a very wealthy young lady

who died on her wedding night.

She is to be cremated in the morning,
together with her jewellery.

which is worth a fortune.

I've got a two -way radio for you, if
you need me. To prevent anyone from

stealing the jewellery from the coffin,
and more to the point, to prevent them

from running away, we locked the
security door.

Wait!

Wait!

On the name of Jesus, go back!

Go back!

In the name of Jesus. Go back.

Go back.

In the name of God.

I told you go back now.

Go back where you belong.

Go back.

Go back.

Go back now.

Go back. In the name of God. Go back
now.

Yes. You lie down.

Yes.

You stay there with me.

I live in peace, man!

Hello?

There's no way this guy is going back
into that spooky place Shakt has

no choice but to tell him it's all a
joke.

We,

in Reger Park, on a very pertinent
day...

Thank you very much.

I cannot read without my reading
glasses.

That's not going to help.

Good afternoon.

I come here in good spirits.

Not like Jan van Riebeek who came with
Recher, Romedaris and Huy Wupp in bad

spirits.

Because the one that stole the show was
Harry the Thrandlooper.

Viva the ANC.

ANC never delivered nothing. We are
going to run a sewage line

from Popcorn Valley, which is there, and
then to Church Valley, which is

there, and then to the Cinderella Dam,
which is there.

In other words, what is going to happen,
all... The caca is going to go in the

Cinderella dance.

Okay,

question,

question. We can't feel good about that
because of that.

So which is going to flow into this real
dam? What is going to be our health

asset? There's going to be a little bit
of a stench, but the government will

deal with it in the future.

We deliver good services.

We will deal with it in the future. Any
other question?

Any other question?

Lady, please don't make such a noise.
I'm just trying to make my speech.

I can see that. But then I'm going to
take away the Kiri and I will clap all

you who don't shut up.

The houses along the new sewerage route
will

be demolished and the owners will be
paid out as per the

most recent municipal evaluation.

Along the Surrey's route, there will be
houses demolished, but we will put the

people up in tents in the Karoo.

I'm proud of my dad, and I'm proud of my
country.

I'll help you with this one.

And this one.

Tonight, you will be flying to Maputo in
Mozambique. Is that good for you?

You will be met by a man who is called
the Blue Jackal.

He will have blue umbrella.

And the blue suit, you give him cold.

The blue jackal is singing in the rain.
You practice.

The blue jackal is singing in the rain.
No.

No smile, no smile.

The blue jackal is singing in the rain.
Lowly. The blue jackal is singing in the

rain. Singing in the rain.

Singing in the rain.

Jackal. Jackal, jackal. Jackal. Okay.

Calm down.

Lady, can I see your license, please?
That sign said 100 kilometers an hour.

Lady, just because you're white and you
drive a fancy car doesn't mean you can

come here and court -cut with me, okay?

That's not fair. This is a racist thing,
this. This is absolutely rubbish. Yeah,

I think you are racist. Oh, rubbish. Are
you drunk? No. No, I am not drunk. Have

you been drinking?

No, I have not been drinking. Don't eat
me.

You are going to jail right now for
eating.

Don't you eat me. This is a deadly
weapon.

Stop right there. This is not a deadly
weapon. Give me that, lady.

Lady, he deserved that because he was
racist. He deserved that because he was

racist. Thank you. That is absolutely
ridiculous.

Hit him with the umbrella. Get away from
this. Lady? Get away from my car.

Get away from my car. I'm going home
now.