Original subtitles

I'm not 30 years anymore.

You're 30 years old inside your head. You can do it.

You can do it. You can do it. I'll do it. Okay, go. You ready? Are you ready?

Put it down. Okay, get going. Get going. Get going.

There's no one driving, and all I'm hearing everywhere I go is, pay back the

money, pay back the money, pay back the money, pay back the money, pay

back the money, pay back the money, and it's funny money, it's a straight funny

money.

from government.

By 2017, half of the Springbok team will be black.

Yes, we are taking the bulls by horns and the cheetah by tail.

And because we are not racist, by 2018, a quarter of the national team will be

colored.

But by 2019, 10 % of the team will be Indian.

And yes, because of all the people that have come here from that wonderful

country, 15 % of the team will be Chinese.

What about the white players?

Can they be the pom -pom goals?

Mr. Shah, your childish antics today on the field were an embarrassment.

Your jokes are on the level of a jockstrap, my friend. At least I'm

Oak in a black outfit.

This is it, Savage.

I see.

Curry Cup.

Do you know what this is for making curry? This is

the trophy for the Rugby Curry Cup.

I've been shot!

We should take it to the rugby people.

I've got a cousin who plays for that team that cheats on their wives. What?

That's a fake team. They call them the cheaters.

The cheaters.

Cheaters. That's what I said.

Let's talk to them.

Maybe they'll give us a reward.

They'll know we stole it and throw us in the turkey.

Oh.

We're going to have to pawn it. Pawn it?

You mean like watching dirty movies?

I'm sorry, my lady.

Sorry is not an answer to why.

Yes, my lady.

You are a liar.

No, my lady.

Just say I stole the cup.

No, my lady.

In that case, I put it to you.

Yes, my lady. When you were arrested, you cried like a little girl.

Yes, my lady.

Why is everybody calling me my lady?

I don't know, my lady. Mr. Sharks?

You are fined one million rand, which will be paid with a curl -cup rugby

Now, that's funny.

You had this coming, huh?

Thanks.

However, I'm going to give you an opportunity to do the right thing.

You are going to make a film which brings a true picture of South Africa.

Wow. This film is going to be a documentary.

You're going to be disguised as a foreign correspondent.

This is going to be a comedy, right?

A serious comedy.

That will counter all the lies told about South Africa.

It's going to paint an accurate and totally positive picture of South

Accurate and totally positive.

And in return, we will pay the one million rand fine for you.

Who's we?

Government, of course.

What about the profits?

They go to the producer.

Let me guess.

You.

Welcome to South Africa. No problem.

I am Jacques -Anbel Popfuchel, and I am bringing you the truth.

We have been commissioned by the government to do a special compilation

our president. What is the message that you would like to deliver to him?

First payback money, then retire.

What do you think about Nkandla?

It's a big joke.

Would you go and take a pool on the lawn of a big fat... Yeah, I will take my...

Put it there. Yeah, put it there. Yes.

Who's that?

Taboombeki, yeah.

Yeah, Taboombeki, yeah.

Brother of Taboombeki, or maybe Zillip, but not Taboombeki. Zuma. Okay, Zuma,

then. Okay.

Do you think colors are black enough?

It's just the color they should be.

Do you think there was anything...

better in apartheid than there is in the government today the world country was

better things was different let me tell you one thing if you black in this

country you What a jackpot. You know what is impressing me tremendously

How things have changed in South Africa.

Always. To see a white man taking his domestic to a mall.

What? Of course not.

And if I tell you that... You don't need to do anything.

And if I tell you... No, come on. If I tell you I'm Leone Schuster and you've

been chucks... Can you sing me the first two verses of Nkose

Sikilelefant? I can't sing that. I only know the African anthem.

Can you sing the stem?

The stem. I just know the rhythm.

Okay,

that is also a bit of the American anthem.

Not only do you sing like the bird, you sing like the bird, but you are a true

South African. You have actually been shucks. I thought

so. Thank you. What a man.

South Africa is a perfect democracy.

led by an incorruptible president, a government unkindly accused of

and nepotism by a lying, jealous opposition, when in fact it is a

model of professionalism delivering world -class services to all its people.

You're not going to be able to caca in your toilet,

sir.

How are you, sir?

I'm good, sir. Are you from the municipality?

Yeah, what's going to happen here? I see you put new pipes in here, so you're

going to connect the shit to the pipe down here. What?

Why not?

I don't know. This is shit.

Yes, it is what we're talking about. The government promises good services.

Yeah, and the municipalities do. You know who's the government?

Yes, who?

Jacob Zuma's the government.

You're talking about my president, sir.

Your president is not mine.

It is my president, sir. No, no, no, no, no. Yes, I honor him. I honor Jacob

Zuma. Yeah, let him come.

No.

Sir, listen.

Bullshit! I am not coming out and going to one of those things in the middle of

the night.

Bullshit!

The sewage people are striking.

Let me show you.

Let me show you how it works.

Just practice a bit. How can you sit on this shit? No, no, no. You sit in here.

You get in like this and you cock like this. Yeah, you cock like that, sir.

Take your fucking shithouses and fuck off.

Don't tell me to fuck off. Where are you going to sit, sir? Me? I cock on my

grass. Practice here.

Like, you know, you're going to sit like that.

Then you're going to have... He's going to lift her up. He's got nobody to lift

her up. No, but she's a strong lady, this one.

And you're a strong man, you... Sorry?

No,

I just say you're a strong... No,

I'm just saying... No, I'm just saying you're a...

I'm just saying you're a strong man.

Say you're going to put a toilet up here. Then you're going to pay a...

Okay, but then you're going to pay a 500 rand refundable deposit.

Yes,

South Africans are very patient, polite people and also

considerate. Thank you.

Especially our minibus taxi drivers who are extremely considerate.

Though these passengers might soon disagree, they are waiting to be taken

movie set where they are to be extras.

Hello, I am the producer of the movie that we're going to shoot with you

Are they all here? Yes. Maybe you want to become movie stars.

I'm going to go with you, travel with you, because I want to go and watch.

The problem is I can't watch because I am blind.

What's happening? What's happening?

out some undercover research into South Africa's world -class electricity

provider. ESCOM for a brighter future.

Undertaken by this world -class electricity employee.

Buy one of these and help our cause to buy diesel for our power stations.

It's a mini generator.

You can turn it on and off like this. Okay, tell me something.

A box of cookies.

A box of cookies.

Yes. You sell what first comes to work to me.

Yes. Those cookies and those box of cookies, you can take them when they

come. You take those cookies and push them deep into the sun.

What does that mean? What do you mean by pushing into the sun?

You push them into a hole. That's what you can do.

Your management can do that in a hole.

Eskom, over the past few years, has given Eskom more problems than anything

else. Why is that?

Because the power goes on, then it goes off, then it goes on, then it goes off,

then it goes on, then it goes off, then it goes on, then it goes off.

Eskom's mother, she's got a big hole in her mouth. You have to be careful with

your mother, her intestines.

She's got a big hole in her mouth. She's got a big hole in her mouth. She's got

a big hole in her mouth.

No, I can't.

I want your help, please.

I think it's a whole bunch of crap.

I'm sorry I caught

you

today,

because I'm Leon's sister.

And you've been sacks.

Okay,

guys.

Let's set one up for the minister.

I think ESCOM, they're fantastic.

They're giving us a brighter future.

They're uniting our nation.

They're giving us all the power we need.

You know, I was amazed at how wonderful everyone was.

It's good. Thank you.

It's the right message.

Thanks. But it's not very funny.

In future, make it more funny.

Lord,

please save me from this mess and let them find the curry cup.

Hide it under your jacket.

What's wrong with your jacket? Because I'm a gent and you're a scally, and with

you it'll just look like booze. Oh, we've been working together for 25 years

you just get more stupid.

Jimmy! What?

What you got for me, boy?

Did you see his eyes? Did you see?

It was a photo.

Maybe a five tune.

Two thousand.

Fifty. Fifty thousand?

Fifty rand.

Good work, bossy.

Two hundred rand for that old cop.

I bet it's made out of an old bespot.

Let's toast.

We don't have a toaster.

Yes. There are criminal masterminds everywhere.

But South Africa's intrepid police are everywhere too.

Except when we need them, when they seem to be everywhere else.

This is Supercop Pete Bailifelt, who has written a book about his life

and the criminals he has brought to justice.

It is the first night of a national tour.

where he will answer questions from the public.

And in the audience are celebrities like Blue Bulls captain Piers Spieth, singer

Kurt Deren, and super ex -minister of foreign affairs in the National Party,

Dick Buta.

And this is me, super bitch, with my pack of super ladies, ready to attack

anyone who shows disrespect for the rights of women or anyone who just

irritates us.

Good evening.

Good evening, Chairman.

I am here to ask you about the fact that in your book that appeared and

was released in 2011...

You bad -mouthed your wife in a terrible way. You mistreated her and neglected

her. I want to know why.

That was part of my life that I wrote it out in my book. On the strip, my life

was my, my job was my life.

So you say you wanted a wife, but you married a job.

Yes, I married my job because... You purposefully didn't go home to be with

wife. That you purposefully...

sat chain smoking while your wife was alone.

That is abuse.

And that is maybe one of the greatest crimes.

That's my private life. You have to go back and set the record straight and pay

back the money.

Pay back the money.

Pay back the money.

Pay back the money.

At least you paid for it. Thank you for that money.

I see somebody that I know, and it is Mr. Peck -Boater, that old pensioner or

the politician.

How are you, Meneer?

We used to call him Mr. Peck -Boater.

He used to call us Peck -Swatch. Do you remember?

Those were in the Apartheid days.

He was Minister of Foreign Affairs, but he had more affairs than he was foreign.

Yes. What have you got to say about that? I have learned one thing in life.

You must never get cross when foolish people talk to you.

So you are a racist, as we all believe you are. And you must pay back the

Pay back the money!

Pay back the money!

I saw that rugby player that looks like a gorilla.

The one...

Spears, Spears, I saw him here tonight.

He makes seven million rands a year.

And I also see that terrible African singer, Court Dick Durham.

Go and pay back the money to Tim Jordan.

For the song, Lord Schlappy, you stole from him. So it seemed that Pigbutta was

just a little bit irritated by us ladies, because here he is leaving in

little bit of a huff. You must stay back, Demar, leave me. I am not Julius

Malema, that you can take me out of Parliament.

I have a democratic right. Because you know why you must leave me. You know

why you must leave me. Because you have just been shocked by my own sister.

Mr. Bailiffelt, in fact, turned out to be a true gentleman.

And Mr. Water, he too saw the error of his ways, realizing that to make the

woman angry is always a mistake.

And so we kissed and made up. So sweet.

One thing I admire about South Africans, they have the entrepreneurial

spirit. Whether they are beggars sleeping on the street or members of

sleeping on the benches, they will find a way to make money while at the same

time doing as little as possible.

Take, for example, this car guard, making the most of the little he has

courage, good humor, and innovation.

You see, I mock your car. with my name, look here.

That is F for Fricky.

Can I watch your car, please? No, thanks.

I've just... Are you good at that? I can't. Let's go and fix it up. Okay.

Move out of my way.

Otherwise, I'm going to management to kick you off this property.

No, I'm the manager, sir.

I'm the manager.

No, I mark it with my name.

I mark it with my name.

No.

No. No, I wash it myself.

Then the other car...

You see what I do is I mark the car.

That is F for Fricky.

I just want to tell you something.

I'm trying to do good here for you.

Move out of my way.

I said move out of my way.

Move.

Okay. Move!

Look, I don't want to fight with you.

In your interest. Look there.

It's in your interest.

Now get out of here. You leave my car alone.

No, but I'm... I told you not to move. I'm doing it for you.

Are you not well? No, I was in a felt brand in Lady Brand. You get to talk

that. I can't, I can't. Look, it's stuck there.

It's your problem. No, it's your problem.

Let's just phone the police quickly.

Yes, phone the police.

Yes, I like to party with the police.

She wants to phone the police now.

That's right. What you're doing is a crime.

Now why?

Why, look here, I'm just marking your car.

Huh?

No, I mark the car. My name is... My name... The other guards come and steal

car.

No, I'm just marking...

Sorry, I'm going to put it again.

I'll put you up here.

What? Leave my car alone.

Listen, I am a conscientious cagone. Get the f*** off.

Now, don't you swear at me, eh?

Leave my car alone.

No, I just went like that.

Bring someone to go.

My name is Leon Schuster. I know

I wanted you to clock me.

You've been shocked.

There's a camera in there.

There's a camera in there.

Jimmy, thank you very much.

Twenty -five thousand rand, if you would, for caricature.

No questions asked.

Twenty -five thousand rand.

That's a long drop full of money.

A shithouse. A shithouse full of money. That's what I said.

No questions asked.

Do you know what that means?

They don't know what to ask.

It means no arrest, no prosecution.

They take the cup.

They pay the money. We could have walked away with 25 Gs. We're going to get

that cop back from that crook. Come!

Today, I am a fiery, passionate, and highly talented Latino man trying to

coach performances from some very keen and very innocent actors who have been

employed to do a voiceover.

We are doing a spoof.

Like in a documentary, okay?

And you only got four words in this whole spoof.

Pay back the money.

Pay back the money. So that is the line that you must say. So if you're not

going to remember it, write it down.

Pay back the money.

Is that easy enough for you?

Easily enough.

You're a policeman.

And the policeman says... Pay back the money.

No, my friend.

A policeman will say, pay back the money!

Do that.

Okay.

Pay back the money!

Or you don't want to swear.

Oh, I thought the line is pay back the money. Yes, I just threw that in because

I'm trying to direct you. Okay, now.

Now, mumble it. Mumble it in a deep voice like this.

Pay back the money.

Look at me.

Try one where you're confused and where

you're cross and where you're very happy.

All together?

All three emotions together.

That will tell me if you are an actor.

Payback!

Imagine that you have just eaten seven crayfish that are rotten.

Now you are running to the toilet holding the back of your pants, and I

hear, I want to hear.

Pay back the money.

How are you going to shout, pay back the money?

Pay back the money.

Okay, I'm... coming to you.

I want you to get aroused, aroused, aroused. Pay back the money.

What? Give it back.

Give what back?

That Indian curry pot you stole from her. Didn't. It was worth 25 grand.

Whose fault?

Give it back.

Can't. It's a double walk hail gun.

I sold the cup.

For how much?

Two grand.

You asshole.

You sold it for 200 grand.

South Africa has, as we know, a terrible history of racial abuse.

But here, at the southern tip of Africa, the fisherman's village of Kashi's Bay

was an exception.

Because when the government of the day told these people to leave, the people

said, For 150 years, the community have

owned this land.

making their living from the ocean, abiding by their own traditions, and

bowing down to no man.

So, when a notice was stuck on the door of every home, stating that a Chinese

property developer wishes to discuss the future of Kashi's Bay, the people came

to stand together and do battle.

Mr. Wang Shimon from Shimon Property Holdings in China.

Shimon Property Holdings, together with South African and Chinese

government, is planning to build a wonderful new fish processing factory

How can you see our houses when you can't even open your eyes? They are an

eyesore.

Sorry, I'm sorry. You are, you are deliberately provoking us. Why?

You're being rude.

Magina, I check you.

I don't understand that language.

What is he mumbling?

What is he mumbling?

Wait, wait, just a second, let me speak.

There will be more jobs for local people.

You should be happy about this, not sad.

You just mentioned that more jobs for local people.

We've been promised that in the past, and it didn't realize.

The Chinese people will be managing the whole project.

But not the local people.

No, you will do labor.

You will do labour.

But you will be compensated well enough.

You will have the managerial jobs and we will have the lavatory jobs.

We are not toilet cleaners. That you must be in mind, please.

I cannot reverse something that is already happening.

The Chinese government has approved it.

Government cannot tell us what to do.

We must sit.

around the table and discuss it. You can't come and say this and that. Now

the good news, we will pay out $1 .1 million, which is 11

million land.

There are about 150 houses in Kasigai.

So it means 75 ,000 land per house. Your houses will be turned

into abortion facilities.

For the workers.

Sorry, sir, but you can take your goodness and shove it because our people

allow you to get covered because we don't want you. Shut up, love. Shut up.

up. We are not crying here.

If there were more people like these around, we might be closer to saying,

South Africa, no problem.

One thing I do not understand.

Why do people here do xenophobia to people who come here from the other

countries? When it is the Chinese who have already taken over South Africa.

No problem?

I don't think so.

Camera rolling.

I am extremely honored to be talking to Minister Godfrey Radebe.

The brains behind this unbiased report on South Africa, no problem.

Minister Radebe, what have you got to say about the issue of load shedding?

Our president has personality.

made a deal with the Russian president to buy eight new nuclear power stations,

which will turn Eskom into a first -class machine. Oh, yes.

The same as when your president bought four ships and three submarines, which

have turned your navy into a first -class machine.

Yes, the same.

There's no problem with Eskom.

What's going on?

Mr. Minister, why are you... Hey, I'm not hitting you, man.

We have been marked.

Don't touch me on my studio.

We have

established that

ESCOM is no problem.

Whatever you want to say, Adam.

These people are poor and unemployed.

We must help them and not criticize them.

But you can't show this in the movie.

And so,

in true South African style, we are employing these completely inexperienced

young people, training them for two minutes. And what do you know?

They are qualified pizza chefs.

Me, I am Luigi.

Alfonso will demonstrate the tossing of the dough.

The dough's small.

He toss it, toss it, toss it. It become big. You must toss the dough. Toss the

dough. Hold it like that.

Hit it like that. You toss it in the air.

Toss it in the air.

Toss it.

You must toss it into the air. Toss it. You must toss it.

Toss the dough. Toss the dough.

Toss it. You must toss it. You must toss the door.

Hello, Angie speaking.

Hi, Angie. I need to order 12 margaritas. I'm on my way. I'll be about

minutes. Do you think you could make that happen for me?

Twelve. Twelve margaritas. Twelve. Twelve margaritas, please.

Oh, my gosh.

Good afternoon.

Hello, I need to order 12 margaritas, and I need them in about five minutes.

on my way to you right now. Could you do that for me?

Twelve margaritas, yeah.

How's it going?

I just called for the margaritas.

Yeah, no, no, don't teach them what to do. That is my job.

Toss the dough.

Toss the dough.

Toss the dough. If you don't listen to me.

I want the pizza.

Where is the spatula?

Okay, I will give you your bloody pizza.

You just take the bloody pizza and scoop.

Scoop him.

Take him. He's a bit better. So I put that one there with you. My job is on

line. My job is on the line.

You are an Italian dickhead.

Sorry. Okay. Look at me.

I need to go back to the office and sit in a meeting. I will get it.

You've been sucked by Leon.

And you can see that you have been sucked with a pizza.

It was

just having a bit of fun.

Well, it's not fun.

And it's not funny. And it's definitely not going into the documentary.

No, sir. In fact, I'm pulling the plug.

What? I'm pulling the plug on the movie.

Let's go!

We are outside the Grand West Hotel in Cape Town.

While inside...

I am billionaire Chinese loyalty.

Some young stand -up comedians have come for an audition, hoping to perform

on my yacht for a fee of $100 ,000.

What they don't know is I speak no English.

I am from Pretoria.

Just hold on.

Carry on, please.

Cool. I'm sure you agree with me that Cape Town is... Sorry.

Cape Town.

Thank you. Please carry on.

I like the idea of the winter in Cape Town.

Okay.

Starts in May.

And ends in November.

Because Capetonians like to go to the beach and put their lovely

sunscreen lotion.

The woman spray?

Yes, women and men love to put sunscreen lotion.

I am that fat guy with

bio -oil for my stretch marks.

Mr.

Shaw, I'd like to ask you, can you say something about Mr.

Wang's joke?

Mr. Wang? Mr. Wang, yeah. Mr. Wang is like a stupid man in China.

He's like a fundamentalist in South Africa. We've got a guy like Mr. Wang.

name is Steve of Mayer.

He's a very stupid guy. I think...

Two months ago, he said, he said, we are the cause of

apartheid.

Mr.

Shaw would like you to say some sexy, dirty jokes. You know, this is more,

you know, that's what he likes.

In South Africa, it's very difficult to find girls if you've got the sex appeal

of a South African policewoman.

Hi, Sean.

Like,

except for Steve Wolfman, okay, like, he doesn't count. Like, a Buddha boss and

a cook sister pumped, and then Steve Wolfman was born. Like, Steve Wolfman is

South African, so he comes milked out. That's how...

Yes,

okay, sweet.

So I'm single, and I'm at that moment now, because I'm 22, so I'm at that

now where I literally get a boner for literally anything.

Do you know what a boner is?

Like, I'll just be in the frozen food section at Pick and Pet, and I'll just

get... Oh, oh.

Sorry. I must say. I must show you how to say. Sorry.

Mr.

Xiao would like to ask you maybe just apology to Mr. Xiao but in the

Chinese way you need to actually kneel down and

And massage her feet.

Okay.

Please stand up.

No one.

Do you like Chinese women?

Yes, I mean, yeah, cool.

Okay. Do you like Chinese men?

No, unfortunately.

Can you maybe kiss him on the cheek?

Just to apologize because, you know, all the misunderstandings.

No! Kiss him! Kiss him!

I don't want to kiss you. No, I don't want to kiss you.

I like men.

Are you crazy? Leave me alone. No, don't laugh.

I'm out of here.

Oh, your hair look like my little pussycat. I love him.

I mean, I know who he is, but like... I'm him.

I think that you can pick some luck, but you're not the brightest oak in stock.

And as terrible as it may seem, you'll always be part of the losing team.

Out. Why, Menear?

Because you look like a brook, so you remind me of my dog.

So I want you out of the car so I can kick your heart.

Tell me, officer, will you take a bribe? Huh? He means a bribe, officer.

He's a retard.

Sing the national anthem backwards.

Huh? The national anthem. Sing it backwards. I want to see if you're

I can't do that. Then I can't keep your hut out of jail.

Sing it backwards.

Go.

How is that? You're drunk. You could never do that sober. I'm locking you up.

What? It's from India.

It's a curry pot.

It's a present.

It's worth a fortune. Curry pot, eh?

My wife would love this.

Thank you.

Go, go.

You just lost your number plate.

Turn over, man.

Okay, you lost your number plate back there.

Check you dropped your number plate, man. Thank you. Yeah, come on, try and

it back on.

Come on, put it back on here.

What's that place that's the lowest you can go?

The day Nas Boata missed that long drop and got trapped by a fan.

And the shit eats the fan?

No, the fan eats the shit.

Yes, cops and robbers.

A lot of good things and not so good things have been said about South

prosecuting authority.

But this magistrate is about to demonstrate just how impartial and

our courts in fact are.

This is famous African singer Robbie Vessels, who has been issued with a

of arrest for reckless and negligent driving.

For an offence, he says he barely remembers.

In fact, the warrant is a fake.

As is the court official who has brought Robbie in.

But Robbie believes he is in big trouble.

It seems that we have a Mr. Robert Vessels before court, Your Worship.

What for? What for?

It's a case from Cape Town. It seems to be reckless and negligent driving.

Why did you have to issue a...

Have you got a fixed address?

Yes, sir. I think you are not speaking the truth.

Because why can't they find you? It seems to me that you are lying.

You don't have a permanent address. They've been looking for you for months

since 2013.

No, sir, I live, I think they might have just found it difficult to get my

address. I live there on the floor. Yeah, yeah, that is what I hear.

It is people like you, chances like you.

They say you have a fixed address, but you don't. So we will establish that.

The state has to confirm your fixed address and if you have

previous convictions.

Have you got any employment?

Yes, I'm an actor and singer.

Oh, you sing.

What do you sing?

Okay, I sing Afrikaans.

It's more like storytelling.

Do you know of him?

Mr. Prosecutor? It rings a bell.

What is it?

Give me one of your songs.

Bishop, I think there's one new song from him.

What is that in English?

It's a lion walk.

Sorry, I don't understand.

It's very interesting now.

What is a lion walk?

Well, it's actually a story where it's more of a, it's about a guy that does

the lion walk. So he pretends as if he's a lion.

So he does it in front of his friends late night.

I know about this. I've heard about this. Then he takes two tennis balls and

pinches them between the top of his legs close to his rectum. And that then is

the testicles of the lion. Am I right?

That is basically what it is. Do you think that that has a

positive?

and good influence on young minds, young people.

Well, I think that... See tennis balls for testicles, and you are making money

out of tennis balls for testicles. I don't understand that.

You Afrikaners have got weird, weird habits, really.

Yeah. And if you perform this...

On a show where I am present, I will have you convicted because it is vulgar.

I, well, what I think the only positive thing in it is it can make someone

laugh. I think that's maybe the only positive thing about the song. There is

nothing at this point in time to laugh about in this country. Please hear

me.

Okay.

So.

I am not satisfied that you have a fixed address.

Whether you have previous convictions, I don't know.

I order that you are taken to jail for seven days for the state

to verify the particulars. Reckless driving is a dangerous

offense and is very prevalent in our area.

The penalties are very high.

And we cannot take chances with a man like you that had to be brought

to court because they could not find you, you were running away.

So seven days in the prison cells, after which you will be brought to court,

and then you can apply for bail. But not now.

You will be taken directly...

From here to the tennis balls, to the cells.

And seven days and seven nights you will spend there.

Seven days and seven nights.

Address me about why you feel you should not go to the prison cells.

Well, I don't think it was that big of an offense.

because I wasn't really speeding.

I remember I was talking on my cell phone. Well, that is an offense.

I make it eight nights.

You will spend eight nights in prison telling the court with witnesses,

my prosecutor here that you drive with a cell phone against your ear. That is a

criminal offense. Do you know that?

I know that. So how many more criminal offenses do you have?

Do you smoke anything?

You celebrities, I hate you because you do dacha, you do tic, you do all that

stuff. Take him away. Thank you. What are it?

Seven days. Make it eight.

Make it eight.

Okay, bring him back.

Mr. Nell, the magistrate wants to see the accused person again.

Okay, I will take seven or eight days off if you will show me how

the Louis Luop is done.

Because I am into Afrikaans culture.

And I like it, but I am very, very surprised at the look with tennis balls

testicles. So I can do the whole thing? No, just a bit, just a bit.

Right here?

Yeah, right here.

That

was

very good. You know why?

Because it's got the black tradition.

It's got the black tradition of shaking the body.

And you know what, Mr. Bessels? The best of it all is you have impressed me so

much that I'm going to send you home. You can go and relax and tell your

that you have been shucked by Leon Schuster.

Even Lewis and South Africa is a strange country indeed.

Lovey, guess what I got as a bribe the other day?

A curry pot. Look here.

Goodness, Shanmuga Ratnam.

A golden curry pot.

Could you connect?

Ayo, when you're cooking, mother in law, hurry.

Together with entertainment agent Louis van Dijk, we have put together a choir

with 11 of the best singers in the country. They believe they have been

to record a song of reconciliation, which they will perform in London at the

Rugby World Cup.

This is Lying Louis van Beek, and this is music producer Hichou

Ludik, who is in on the lie.

And I am in the next studio, ready to mess it up.

All right, let's try one.

And I will play, I will play the keyboard of Africa.

Singing Africa, we are playing the keyboard of Africa.

Can you all hear yourselves fine? Yeah, yeah.

Everyone listen to the click, and then we got four counts.

I will play the keyboard of Africa.

Singing Africa.

We are playing the keyboard of Africa. Guys, who was that?

Singing Africa. It's on the beat. Everything on the beat, guys.

Guys, we only got 30 minutes, eh? 25 now. Of Africa.

Africa, we are playing the keyboard of Africa.

We are living in harmony.

If our souls were together.

I'm sounding like a cat being slaughtered, but let's just figure that

will play, I will play the keyboard of Africa.

You cool?

Mora, come with us. We've got to use your vocals. Just come out. There's

something really bad here.

Just wait for us there, please.

We've just got to get this thing right.

Okay, we've got to use your harmonies. Just wait for a bit.

I'll play the keyboard of Africa.

Singing Africa.

We are playing the keyboard of Africa.

We are singing harmony.

If our soul...

They'll never wait for me.

Lloyd, I think you just take Lloyd out. Just take him out for now.

We just want to hear what's going on.

Maybe he's just singing Africa.

We are playing the keyboard of Africa.

We are living in harmony.

Can we have this off?

Just this off.

Peter, you're singing very, very well.

Guys, sorry, sorry, sorry. This is really, really a bit embarrassing.

We need to heat this on the nail now. So let's just do this half and see if we

can heat it. I mean, I really thought everyone can sing, you know. I mean,

is really a joke. It's becoming quite stupid.

It's a timing issue as well.

Luiz, for me, you're the... Luiz, just show them how it's done. Yeah,

just Luiz Ronell also out.

Only Renel, yeah. And only Luis Olis is here.

And start one by one.

Let's see if that works.

I will play the people of Africa.

They are all pupils from Africa. We are living in harmony.

Can you hear that?

In the track. What the hell is going on?

What is this?

What did you not understand when I said I'm pulling the plug?

Oh, I thought you were talking about pulling the plug from the wall.

The movie's over.

What? No finishing it, nothing.

Are we going to pay back the money?

We'll conduct an investigation then.

Sir, sit down.

Just listen to me.

This is going to be a great movie.

You can single -handedly change the image of this country from failure,

corruption, incompetence to brilliance led by an incorruptible

genius. You.

You can see it.

The reward for that cup has gone up to 50 grand, so we're going to get it back.

The first thing we get... He's a cop. How do you know that that cop even works

here? This is the closest cop station to where he busts us. So we're going to

find out where he lives.

Why do all cops have to be full of corrosion? What?

Corrosion.

Like your rusted brain, the word's corruption.

You know what I found out? It's not a bloody curry cup for curry. It's a

cup for rugby.

No wonder the bloody curry tasted like shit.

Now the reward's a hundred grand.

What? A hundred bloody thousand?

Yeah. You're a cop.

Go get it back.

Arrest them.

I'm bleeding, Scully. They're defeating me in the justice.

Oh, Bicky.

Oh, Bicky.

You still own that demolition business on the side, right?

Yeah. So?

Cheap, cheap.

So cheap it's called a jelly doll.

So we're going to wait for that reward to go up to 100K.

Then first thing we do is get a car. Nobody comes like this. Not Iron Man,

even A .B. De Villiers, man.

Let me guess.

A .B. De Villiers, man.

Batman.

This is it, bossy. This is it, savage.

Everything all right, me old China plate?

Sorry, hey, my bunny. Now it's us who's in the money.

Oh, my God.

He's heading for the rugby union.

No.

What are we going to do?

Think.

I've been thinking.

That's a change.

What? I mean, that's not strange.

talks a lot about transformation in sport.

Can you please explain to us the term transformation?

Well, transformation means to change.

Yes, you start with one thing and you change it into something else.

You mean you start with something that was working and you end with something

that is broken.

Strange.

I grab a little curry cup alone and talk alone.

Now a little curry cup is never...

Here on South Africa, no problem. I have a question for you.

What is the most popular recreational activity in South Africa?

Rugby? No, that is only number four.

Football? Number three in line.

Sex. Close.

Sex is number two. So, what is number one?

Drinking! Yes!

Which generally accompanies rugby and football and with a little luck leads to

sex.

So, here I am from the Department of Health to put things right by forcing

the amount that people drink down.

Customers are being sent to me so that I can check their purchases.

Good afternoon, lady.

Sorry?

Lady, can I just remind you that you are talking to an authoritative person. I

am Wussi.

I am Wussi. No!

Modisa from the Department of Health.

Okay?

No,

I was showing you.

Tell me, what is your name?

Lady, don't be so hard with me.

I cannot speak Afrikaans. That's your problem. I want to see what you bought

here today.

We've got a countrywide campaign to curb the use of alcohol.

I'm not saying that, lady.

I understand it, yes, but I don't speak it. It's against my

will to speak that apartheid language.

So,

you are going to drink this on your own tonight?

No, my dear.

That's for my lovely husband.

Okay, and if you and him drink this and this together tonight and you get on the

road, what is going to happen?

It's got nothing to do with you because I'm not going to be on the road. What

you are experiencing today is a countrywide curb on the use of alcohol.

Look at all the horror that alcohol causes.

So what we do is, this is 750 milliliters for one lady. I've got to

I've got to throw some out.

You see?

Now that looks better.

That looks better.

Even that.

Even that looks a little bit better. In other words, now you can go home and you

and your husband can share this. Now you can give me money to buy another

bottle. I can't. No, I cannot.

Because you throw it out.

No, don't clap me with the bottle.

Lady, I'm doing my job.

I'm doing my job, you understand?

What's your job?

I'm curbing the usage.

I'm getting, you know what I'm getting? I'm getting 150 ,000 rand a month.

Don't you call my job cock.

I will give you less.

Because you are being very, very cheap.

What are you doing?

Police! Is there somebody from security?

I am going to lay a complaint against you and the police.

You threw into my one eye with a contact lens. That's your

problem, not mine. You know what's my problem is that you've just been shocked

by Leon Schuster.

And I'm going to just make it less so that you

don't drink tonight.

You see?

Let me drink.

Not good for you.

Okay, there.

I am helping you. Okay.

Better for you.

Me? Me?

How are

you? Good,

and you?

What is your name?

Esmeralda.

M -R -E.

Esmeralda. R -E -S -M -E -R. Don't you speak English?

No.

You just said no, so you do speak English.

No, I don't speak English.

You speak good English. Why are you afraid of speaking English?

I don't care if it's Buffalo Bay, Mosul Bay or Paraguay.

What is your salary per month?

That's got nothing to do with you. I am a government official. My name is...

I work for the Department of Health, so I have to get your details.

And you are obliged to give me your details.

Otherwise, I can place you under arrest.

You and who?

Don't you get bitchy with me.

I'm a government official.

But what does it do with how many I pay in a month when I'm selling or buying

food? Because I want to compare your salary and how much I... How much you

drink, exactly.

Because look at... Okay.

Now, if you look around at these racks, look around at these racks, I am going

to confiscate this bottle.

I'm confiscating this bottle because you cannot... You cannot... What is this,

by the way?

I'm not a beginner drinker. I can drink. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I'm going to... Okay.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'm...

What

do you mean you'll go for me today?

Lady, this is my job. I'm doing... I'm doing my job here.

And so we reached the

end of this irreverent.

and irresponsible look at the strange, messed up country called South Africa.

No problem?

I think not.

But it is still beautiful. It is fascinating in its diversity.

And above all,

it is ours.

All of ours.

My name is Mi Fang Yu.

What? Chinese. Mi Fang Yu.

Mi Fang Yu. Mi Fang Yu, yes. Mi Fang Yu. Okay.

Function tonight is Indian function. You got to stir pot of curry whole time.

Whole time.

As soon as curry stop, something bad can happen. You must be very careful. Come

here with me. We call it holly curry.

Holly curry. Holly curry, yes. Because you must holly from the one pot.

To the other pot, you see?

Now, you start stirring spoon like that. You leave. You go, you go

here. Because that one will still be turning.

You turn this one.

One, two, three, four, five.

Then you land to that pot. Then you land to that pot. But the water must not

stop. Okay. There's beans inside there. And if the soup stop.

It can make very, very big fat.

Okay. Make perfect.

Okay. Okay. Holly, holly, holly, holly.

Because I'm Leo, then you be shocked.

Camera this, camera this.

Oh, you were beautiful. Give me a hug. You were fantastic.

We had a good love inside there.

Very well done, honey.

So, okay, then, sis.

You get out there by the road now. And when you see a car coming with only one

man in it, show him some leg. Show us.

More.

More.

You want me to go calm, guys?

Yes, like savage. How can someone so ugly be so just?

So then, you stick out your thumb, like you're hitchhiking.

Then say so.

And then, when he stops, we jump out, hit him over the head, and off we go in

his car.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Go.

This is it, eh, bossy? This is it, Savage.

I see him ducking and I see him diving.

He is the hero of a one -man show.

This car is moving but there's no one driving.

Baby.