All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S24E15.1080p.HEVC.x265-MeGusta

It seems today that all you see is
violence in movies and sex on TV.

But where are those good old -fashioned
values on which we used to rely?

Lucky there's a family guy.

Lucky there's a man who finds a new man
who all the things we make up. Laugh and

cry. He's a family guy.

Hello, tech support?

Yes, my time machine is giving me error
code 17.

No, I did not make love to a bear on it.
Shh! But if some bear did have his

world rocked on this thing, would that
void the warranty?

Oh boy, time machine trouble? You know,
there's one time machine that never

breaks and is always ready to take you
anywhere, anytime.

A good book. Sorry, my dog is very
cringe.

I'm Brian Griffin, and tonight we'll
take my time machine to three periods in

history. I don't know, I think he's
doing like court -ordered community

Let's start with the story of the French
Revolution.

The year was 1789.

King Louis XVI and his wife, Marie
Antoinette, were throwing Moulin Rouge

parties, many of which devolved into
orgies, covering the walls with yicky

-yicky -ya -ya -ja -ja. More songs per
minute, louder songs!

Everyone must get a Boss Lerman
headache!

Yes, Your Majesty.

God, I love French dancing. If there's
anything hotter than women standing in a

line and kicking their legs up really
high, I haven't seen it. Bad news, King

Louie. France is in massive debt.

What? Well, just the music clearances on
these Baz Luhrmann sequences alone are

bankrupting the monarchy.

Oh, dear.

But our hard -working French laborers
are already working up to four hours per

week with only winter and summer off.

Can nothing be done?

I think we should levy a tax on the
peasantry. No.

No taxes.

We could always cancel your Vootube
premium account, and you can just launch

regular Vootube with the ads. Let's do
the taxes.

Man, things sure are getting bad here in
France.

You said it.

I even got laid off from my job
pitchforking loose hay here and moving

there. The whole French economy is based
on slightly moving loose hay.

Bad news, guys. I'm here to collect some
taxes.

What? The king is levying a land tax and
a head tax.

A head tax?

But that could be thousands.

Also, now there's a salt tax.

But the head tax ends in something for
which there'd be a salt tax.

I say, Robespierre, there's a lot of
unrest brewing here in France.

You're right, Danton. We should take
advantage and foment a revolution.

For the people. Oh, yeah, no, for the
people. And definitely not for our own

personal advancement, to where we go
nuts with power and chop off everybody's

heads and eventually even each other's.
Yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah, for the

people. Remember that for later, for it
is foreshadowing.

I'm Chris Griffin, and I don't only do
masturbation stuff.

Citizens of France, we need a
revolution.

That's right. King Louis has destroyed
the French economy.

Also, it'll be another couple hundred
years before the Arab immigrants show

but let's start getting angry about that
now.

These guys are making a lot of sense.

We do need a revolution.

Yeah, I can't wait for the new symbol of
France to be a woman with her boob

hanging out. I call dibs on waving a
flag on a barricade. I'm kind of a

barricade guy.

The time has come to join our
revolutionary club, the Jacobins. Can I

Jacobin club? Because I'm just
constantly Jacobin. I mean, at least

times a day, you'll find me Jacobin. I'm
Chris Griffin, and I still do some

masturbation stuff.

More bad news, Your Majesty.

Paris suffers a bread shortage.

Oh, no.

What should we do, Swedish baker?

Let them eat cock.

That's perfect because France currently
has a dangerous surplus of cake. Marie

Antoinette, if you could tell everyone
to get busy eating cake, that would

famously help things.

It won't just piss people off.

Nah, they'll love it.

Down with the king.

And down with Marie Antoinette. She's
not French. She's from Austria.

Austria is our rival.

Who are you people?

We're a mob of unemployed losers
scapegoating a lady.

That's when good things happen. To be
fair, we're mad at all the French

except that one super cool pointing guy.

So rad.

We, the citizens of France, hereby place
the king and queen under arrest.

Let's put them in prison. Yeah. And I'm
taking this magic beauty and the beast

clock that comes to life and sings.

It's just a regular clock.

Aw. Regular candlestick. Aw.

Welcome, citizens, to the new
revolutionary regime.

That's right. There's going to be some
changes in France.

From now on, every time we say hello to
each other, we will get two little

kisses on the cheek. Little kisses for
everyone.

All right. Should we show them,
Robespierre? I think they get it. You

pretty clear. We stand for freedom and
equality.

And we can announce this now. It is
official. There will be a season six of

Emily in Paris.

So give yourselves a big hand for that.
You did this, every one of you.

Anyway, freedom and equality and civil
rights for every man.

How about rights for women?

No, just dudes.

We hereby sentence the king and queen to
death.

Any final words?

Yeah, not the cake thing again. Then no.
Please destroy the oil paintings under

my mattress.

And now for Marie Antoinette.

What? What happened?

Oh, boy.

Marie Antoinette's novelty fake neck was
provided by Jacques' Joke Shop of South

Attleboro, France.

Gotcha, guys.

Good one, Marie. Remember, if it ain't
ho -ho -ho, it ain't worth Jacques.

Okay, brutally kill her now.

Yeah,

that was fun.

But before you all go, we have a few
surprise bonus executions today.

The King's Gendarmes.

That lady who yelled that thing at the
meeting.

J .K. Rowling, because you know why.

This dude Josh, who's the first guy to
post a photo of a beach and write, my

office for the day.

Oh, and Danton.

What? Oh, you bitch. I was going to do
this to you.

This is awesome. And the best thing is
that it'll for sure never happen to me.

I know I wanted to be head of state, but
this is... Oh, my brain's stopping.

I can't believe we did the whole French
Revolution and not even a single song

from Les Mis. Les Mis is set during the
rebellion of 1832, not the French

Revolution of 1789.

Oh, that's stupid.

Damn it, Meg. I told you to stop taking
my jog bras.

I haven't. Well, they're missing, and
there's no other explanation.

Look, you both need to stop counting
your bras. It's not important where they

went. Sometimes families have conflicts.
But did you know that at one point in U

.S. history, family members actually
went to war with each other? What? What

this? It's community service. He got
arrested for something.

What'd you do, Brian?

Let's take our next historical journey.

I heard he got caught stealing mobile
orders at Starbucks.

Does he look like his name is Rashid?
Our historical journey to the year 1861.

They're going to remember what Rashid
looks like, Brian.

It was 1861.

when America was inaugurating a new
president.

I, President Abraham Lincoln, vow that I
will have an open mind.

The back of my mind, in particular, will
be very open and exposed.

That's also foreshadowing. Brian said I
could keep helping out. I'm grateful

that you elected me. And right away, I
want to apologize for my mentally ill

wife. What the hell?

My nickname will be Honest About
Everything Except That One Thing Abe.

Nine and a Half Inch Abe. You can call
me either one. Yeah, right. She's loony,

guys. Absolutely deranged. Anyway, I
predict that America's got good times

ahead, so long as our map doesn't have a
bunch of arrows and explosions.

But America did have a bunch of arrows
and explosions and narrations by voices

like this. Also, slow fiddle music,
which I have to play myself because we

our whole music budget on the Moulin
Rouge stuff.

I did this on America's Got Talent, and
Howie Mandel made wisecracks at my

expense. Anyway, war had come, and 600
,000 brave mustaches would be lost

as Brother marched off to fight Brother.

Hey, so the uniforms came in the mail,
and they sent one of each.

Weird. Yeah, the gray ones are from
Louis Vuitton, and the blue ones are

Maxx, so...

That's fine. I'll be Union.

Cool. I like the gray because it matches
all the dead guys everywhere.

Wish me luck. I'm off to fight the
Battle of Bull Run.

So that sucked.

Ah, well, the good news is I'm staying
at Bull Run, and there's no way there'll

be a whole second battle there.

You're not gonna freaking believe it.

The arrows and explosions are getting
closer to DC.

We're not going to be able to save the
Union.

Maybe instead of fighting to save the
Union, we should be fighting to end the

evils of slavery and ensure freedom for
all Americans.

All right, I'm putting you in a home.
This is why I sleep with guys.

I, too, believe the aim of the war
should be to free the slaves and make

Americans equal.

Thank you, Frederick Douglass. You're
right. Black men should be free.

That's what I'm talking about.

And sent up to the front line as
soldiers.

Say what now? Don't worry. You're in
good hands with General Ulysses S.

America's most strategically gifted
alcoholic.

The South keeps looking at me.

I swear to God, if the South looks at me
one more time, I'm going down there.

No, no, no, be cool, man. You think
you're better than me, South? Be cool,

cool. We got to concentrate on our most
important objective, protecting

Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

Isn't Gettysburg just fields and fence
posts?

Gettysburg is a cultural and economic
metropolis.

Sacrifice every last man, if necessary,
to protect Gettysburg, PA.

But Sue was right.

Gettysburg sucks.

If you can make it there, you'll make it
anywhere.

Gettysburg. Everyone must die to save
it. There's literally like eight people

the whole town. We're not going to argue
this further. I'm late for my cuddle

nap with Joshua Speed, who everyone
should go ahead and Google.

This is fine. It's fine. I just can't
afford my own mattresses all.

Mattresses cost like a billion dollars
because it's olden times.

This conflict keeps dragging on, am I
right? I tell you, you put the Civil War

on ABC, it'll be canceled in 13 weeks.

Now, that Confederate recruit we saw
earlier, he went on to be a stage actor,

based in D .C., so clearly his career
sucked.

But then he booked a Gettysburg Cemetery
gig.

Finally, the big break for John Wilkes
Booth.

Civil War saves 70 slaves. Civil War
saves 70 slaves.

Civil War... Excuse me, Mr. Booth? Aye,
yes, that is how I'm listed in the

program, but I was hoping to use my full
name, John Wilkes Booth Romaine Stamos.

Yeah, well, sorry, but we're bumping
you.

What? Why?

President Lincoln just showed up. He
wants to workshop some new material.

Okay, so, four score and seven years
ago.

Wait, wait, what's that mean? A score is
20 years. So just say 87 years ago.

I like it this way. You're going to lose
everybody from the first line. They're

all doing math in their heads.

It's fine. It's not fine. You're here to
boost morale. This is like the

opposite. You're giving them algebra
homework.

Here, try this.

Sorry I got here late. I couldn't find
the Gettysburg address.

Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, come on, it's perfect.

Open with a huge joke. Boom, now you got
him. Hey.

Hey, bub, you can't just go bumping
people.

I don't know what you're talking about.
Forget him. He's just some butthurt

actor. Look, whatever this is about, I'm
sorry.

I respect actors.

How about you give me a head shot?

Foreshadowing. Now, let's have a big
hand for Abe Lincoln.

Thanks, bub. Now, I understand Mary
Todd's here today, because we all know

Lincoln doesn't go anywhere without his
beard.

Oh, Bob.

Finally, in 1865, the southern capital
of Richmond fell.

War's over, Grant. You gotta go to
Appomattox and meet the southern leader.

know the guy? General Lee? All right, do
some research on him first. Oh, I know

the guy backwards and forwards.

General Lee. Right, but I need you to
know him specifically.

I do know him specifically.

General Lee. Look, you know the guy?
Yep. You know him generally? Yep. You

know him more than generally.

Know who more than generally? The
southern leader. The guy you know

That's right. I do know him very well.
General Lee.

That's the problem. What's the problem?
You say you know him generally.

I do. I need you to be an expert on the
guy. I am an expert on him. But you

just... I'm friends with the guy. We
fought in the Mexican war together. I

studied his every move. There is no one
on the planet who knows him better than

I do. Okay, just to be sure, you are an
expert on the southern leader.

Completely, totally, absolutely,
generally.

In our nation, it was a difficult time
politically, but a simpler time

comedically. The fighting was done, and
no more would Americans wage civil war

until 2028, probably.

But this story ends on a theater balcony
with Abraham and Mary Todd Lincoln.

Hey, how about you just go by Mary
Lincoln, huh? But Todd is my family

I keep it to honor my heritage.

Demented. Somebody call a man with a big
net. That's the latest in mental health

technology.

Lincoln was dead, and Booth would shout
the motto that has become etched in

history. Did I do that?

Lincoln's assassination was filmed in
front of a live studio audience.

Did you guys notice that the final
Dilbert is just Dilbert checking

genitals outside the ladies' restroom?

Office stuff.

Ah, Peter's enjoying a joke. Well,
here's a joke for you. Six million Jews,

gypsies, communists, and intellectuals
are loaded onto a train car.

Only this joke actually happened.

How is that a joke?

He's doing his community service. He
attacked one of them grocery robots or

something. The year is 1939, and war has
come to Europe.

Well, the arrows and explosions are
back.

Also, I'm back. On account of I've been
getting a lot better on the fiddle since

the last time.

Not bad, right?

You'd be surprised how much fiddle you
can learn on YouTube.

Hey! Play Mumford and Son!

I'm not playing that.

Pretty soon, the Brits were forced to
seek cover in their subway system.

What they called the tube, eating french
fries.

Of course, they called them chips.

Truck is a lorry.

Let's see. What else?

Weird little country.

Hello, Franklin?

President Roosevelt, can you hear me?
Churchill, this thing's in England.

Good? No, it's awful. We're getting
bombed by the Nazis over here. They're

blitzkrieging through Europe. They took
Paris.

Oh, no, not Paris.

Please tell me the pointing guy is okay.

I love that guy.

Yeah, can you help us out, Franklin?

You got me at a bad time, Churchill.

It's me and Eleanor's date night.

Eleanor, where are you going?

Me and the girls are going to go play
lacrosse and just jab our thumbs

Eleanor sure loves hanging out with her
lady pals.

FDR may not help us, and I heard Russia
is signing a pact with Hitler. So as my

top general, I need you to go to Moscow,
find their leader, and figure out how

to prevent this. Don't worry, sir, I
will. And I'll stop Stalin.

Great. I'm glad you're not delaying your
departure, but do you have a plan for

when you get there?

Absolutely, sir. And what is it? To stop
Stalin.

How is that a plan?

I thought you wanted me to stop Stalin.
Of course I want you to stop Stalin.

This is a grave and important matter. So
then we do agree on the plan. Which is?

To stop Stalin. But I...

Comedically, World War II was also a
simpler time.

Turns out, America's efforts to stay out
of the fracas came to naught once the

Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.

December 7th, 1941, a date that I
probably knew was coming but allowed to

happen. I mean a date which will live in
infamy.

The United States... What?

What's going on? It's your wife and her
friends. They're arguing over power tool

brands again.

DeWalt! RYOBI!

Girls and their construction equipment,
huh?

Eleanor, could you ladies please keep it
down while I'm doing radio to America?

This is fine.

It's fine.

Lots of first ladies have their gal pals
move into the White House with them,

which I did for real.

Super normal.

RYOBI.

Gentlemen, we're here to plan an
amphibious assault on Normandy.

Stay on target.

Almost there.

Stay on target.

Private Ryan, you've switched off your
targeting computer. What's wrong?

Use the force, Matt Damon.

Cut it out, guys. This is important.

Oh, yeah, totally. Okay, first question.

Yeah? Is there toilets inside of tanks?

I mean, there has to be, right? They're
not going to stop the war just to let a

guy take a crap.

I think they just go right in the
barrel, and then the next shot is like a

shot. Can we please focus?

We're focusing. We are laser focused on
planning for today.

I think we're calling it D -Day.

Oh, okay. See? I'm already learning
stuff.

The enemy has landed at Omaha Beach and
is heading east.

The Allies are planning an Italian trip
and will be shooting tons and tons.

And now, the Greeks die, the Soviets
die, and the Germans die.

Oh, no!

It's okay.

As soon as Marine Captain Georg von
Trapp from the mainland of Austria

to the service, everything will be fine.

My lord, von Trapp...

Oberst von Trapp und seine Familie
konnten in die Schweiz fliehen, weil ein

Nonnen einen Jeep beschädigt hatten.

Mit allen, die glauben, dass wir auch
ohne die Familie von Trapp eine

Talentshow des Dritten Reichs
veranstalten können, musste ich privat

Mein Führer, wir haben noch die
Drittpreisträgerin Fräulein Schweiger.

Dame, die sich immer wieder verbucht.

Es war ein komischer Moment, mein
Führer.

Es war ein bisschen.

Sicher, es ist amüsant, aber darauf kann
man keine ganze Show aufbauen. Es wird

langweilig. Es ist schön langweilig
geworden.

Sehen Sie, wie genervt Max am Ende war.

Ich verstehe diese Referente nicht.

Oh, schau dir vielleicht weniger TikTok
und mehr Sound of Music an, du Idiot.

FDR beat the Germans, but he wouldn't
live to see victory in the Pacific.

For that, the torch was passed to Harry
Truman.

Listen, Harry, Hiroshito wants to
surrender. It's time to go make peace

Japan. Got it. Go to Japan and nuke
Hiroshima.

No, no, no, no. They're ready to
surrender.

You need to make peace with Japan.

Okay. Good. Now repeat it back to me.
Okay, I nuke the city of Hiroshima in

Japan. No, Japan wants to surrender.

Make peace with Japan.

Right, and nuke Hiroshima.

No, no, no, no.

And et cetera.

Due to wartime rationing, we've had to
keep reusing our Pat Tillman bit from

2007. Thanks for doing your part to make
sure all the fresh new jokes are safe

for our troops overseas.

Eventually, Japan did surrender.

Don't worry too much about why.

The war was over.

At last, America can celebrate with lots
of non -consensual kissing.

Don't worry, your husband will never
find out.

Lunch with the girls, huh?

Susan, probably!

Also,

you might receive an email from the
Quahog County Courthouse confirming that

provided volunteer educational services.

If you could just go ahead and click the
link and fill out the short web form,

I'd really appreciate it.

So it turns out you can legally buy
Jenna Ortega as many new bed sheets as

want. You just can't deliver them in
person.

So we all learned something this week.

Sleep tight, Jenna.