Original subtitles

This is...

Help me! Aid!

Starring...

With his "Roast Master" Seth MacFarlane.

THE COMEDY CENTRAL ROAST OF DAVID HASSELHOFF

And now please welcome to his "Roast Master": Seth MacFarlane!

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Hello. How are you all?

I'm Seth MacFarlane, the creator of Family Guy.

And I'm here to say hello

the greatest cartoon character of all time...

David Hasselhoff.

How do you make jokes of a joke?

How to embarrass a man

who is completely ashamed in addition?

How do you look down on him?

when it is already lying Shirtless on the floor?

Well this is what we will do tonight

with the help of these famous third division

who join us tonight such as George Hamilton,

Hulk Hogan, Jerry Springer...

This looks like the waiting room for a liver transplant.

And look at this, it's amazing...

Pamela Anderson and Lisa Lampanelli

in the same room.

The woman more and less downloaded from the internet

together in the same room.

Something is something, right?

And of course, we have himself as the guest of honor.

Can't deny the impact of this man in our society.

From The Fantastic Car to Baywatch,

passing through America's Got Talent to his world famous song.

David's career has been, unfortunately,

an unstoppable force that has gone around the planet.

And with so many different talents

it is not surprising that David has made a way,

a road that zigzags on the highway Pacific coast and on a pole.

Tonight David will be subjected to the most brutal, painful moments

and humiliating aspects of his acting career.

Take a look.

Let's, as they say, go for them?

Let's go.

Very good. Let's give them!

He doesn't seem like a bad guy, huh?

I'm David Hasselhoff.

Hurrah!

I am a lifeguard.

He's my boss, mom.

Mitch. Mitch buchannon.

Come on, push! Push!

It's a boy.

He's a tiny baby!

What about Germany? I mean...

How do Germans feel about you?

Hasselhoff! Hasselhoff!

Here's David Hasselhoff!

Damn my beautiful face.

- You are my friend. - The feeling is mutual.

How about some turbo?

Do you want an autograph?

What are you talking about, Fantastic car driver?

Can you say "David Hasselhoff"?

David Hasselhoff.

This is a mess.

- You said... - No, I didn't say it.

That?

Tell me you're going to stop. That?

Tell me you're going to stop.

I'm going to stop.

The great Hasselhoff himself... David Hasselhoff!

Come on! This is talent!

Well this is what we call "America's got Hasselhoff."

He was in Fantastic Car and then in Baywatch

and has more money than that you will never have.

David Hasselhoff.

Hats off to Hasselhoff.

David Hasselhoff.

David Hasselhoff!

Some things never change.

David Hasselhoff says screw you.

You did well, Hasselhoff.

And now please give a round of applause

for the man who is a success in Germany,

a country known for taking rational decisions,

Ladies and gentlemen, my good friend: David Hasselhoff!

ooga chakka ooga ooga

ooga chakka ooga ooga

ooga chakka ooga ooga

ooga chakka ooga

I can't stop this feeling deep inside of me

girl, you just do't realize what you do to me

when you hold me in your arms so tight

you let me know everything's all right

I'm hooked on a feeling

and I'm high on believein' that you're in love with me

yeah

hooked on a feeling

hooked on a feeling

Hello! (in German)

Thank you! (NdT: In German)

Thank you!

Hi, friend.

Woohoo!

What an entry.

Look at you, you handsome son of a bitch.

Pull your hair back that I can pass my hand to you.

You look great.

David, here's the thing.

Some people call you

pile of shit failed and talentless

or just a terrible human.

I would like to thank you all to come tonight

and let's start

with the roast.

David, your performances are like "Inception."

There is no sense of reality,

it is impossible to understand what is happening,

and in half

we realize that you were unconscious all the time.

However, friend, I will tell you

that to me you will always be Mitch Buchannon from Baywatch.

A series he did for first responders

what skin cancer to the lifeguards.

Yes, for all your achievements,

for all the greats achievements of this man,

That's why Baywatch They made David a world star.

David had an important role in Baywatch.

Their job was to ruin erections.

But David is more than a terrible actor.

He's also a terrible singer.

He is the only singer in history

whose auto-tune just says: Fuck it!

As seen in his grand entrance,

David is hooked on a feeling...

the feeling that six vicodin gives you.

However, recently

has not had "time" to do another great musical show.

Just like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck,

who haven't had "time" to write another script.

Or Anderson Cooper,

who has not had "time" to find that special woman.

So The Hoff is multilingual. Many must not know this.

Can speak English, Spanish, German

and whatever the hell that language was

in the burger video.

David,

My friend, you have done everything.

Thank you.

You have gone from being a security guard the beach to watch for death.

And I think...

I think I speak on behalf of all when I say

that what we remember most about you...

They are Pamela Anderson's tits.

There they are. (voice of Stewie Griffin)

Pamela Anderson's tits are right there.

And now let's go with our first roaster.

He is a person with whom Hollywood doesn't want to have anything to do with it...

Lisa Lampanelli.

It is what we could call a sexually progressive woman.

Her vagina is like "Clorox 2". (Detergent for colored clothes)

Safe for whites but made in reality made for people of color.

I mean, it's okay that I made this joke

because some of my best friends are white.

Please welcome the Mean "Dairy Queen": Lisa Lampanelli!

You were great.

Come on, a big round of applause for Seth MacFarlane!

Come on!

His head is as big as my pussy.

Ladies and gentlemen, we are here tonight

to honor a man whose career has spanned

almost four decades in the show.

Mr. David Hasselhoff.

As for the attendees, David,

I can honestly say that you deserve better.

Seth MacFarlane...

Jeffrey Ross...

Jerry Springer...

I haven't seen so many geeks

since I did the "gang bang" (Orgy type) with the cast of Glee.

Tonight I feel lucky.

David Hasselhoff is a legend!

David Hasselhoff began his career young and restless.

It is now known as "the old man and the super-drunk".

Damn, David, what a drunk you are! Damn!!

I don't mean that David have drunk a lot

but his liver was so black and swollen

what could there be starring "Precious."

David Hasselhoff's liver it's so black

who is fucking two of the Kardashian sisters.

Look at that old, wrinkled thing and brown from there.

Is it George Hamilton or the Oprah Winfrey's pussy?

Well...

It is not a coincidence that George Hamilton loved the sun,

They were born in the same year.

The difference is that the sun He is currently a star.

In fact George, you are the closest

to a black that we have on stage.

It's not because of your skin color.

It's because you're a terrible father.

and you haven't worked in twenty years.

Well I have to say good nights and fuck it.

Fuck it. I'm leaving here. Fuck it. Good night.

First of all I'm going to hit you with a right hand in...

Don't forget your walker.

It's good to see my old lady Pam Anderson here tonight.

I love you, Pam.

What's wrong with your tits?

They are big, they are small, They are big.

You have more surgeries than Roger Ebert!

It's a roast, idiot...

It's called ovulation.

Speaking of despicable Americans, Hulk Hogan is here.

Hulk: You were the best! fighter of history.

Hulk Hogan became the champion world for being the first man

in escaping the "camel clutch" by Iron Sheik.

It was great.

If only you had been smart enough

to escape camel toe of your wife...

you would be much richer.

In fact Hulk...

Listen!

It's the sound of eggs of a 19 year old young man

hitting your ex-wife's chin.

Oh!

But that's enough from this group.

of "we were really in Orange County"

We are here tonight to roast a man

whose career has collapsed worse than the center of Haiti...

Mr. David Hasselhoff.

Yeah.

David Hasselhoff's career It has turned into a big disaster,

I just saw an oily pelican fly out of his ass.

You have left that comfortable job as a judge on "America's Got Talent."

What's wrong with you, man?

It was the worst move in a race

since Mel Gibson bought him to his girlfriend that recorder.

In short, David Hasselhoff, you,

you are an inspiration.

Early in your career, when people said:

David, you will never be a serious actor.

You said: Yes, I can.

When they said: David,

You will never be a great singer.

You said again: Yes, I can.

And when people said:

David, you will never be respected in the show.

You said for the third time: Yes, I can.

Anyway, David, in a few words...

You couldn't, you didn't and you're an asshole.

But don't worry David, always You can be my lifeguard, little bitch.

Thank you very much, David Hasselhoff.

Our next speaker, George Hamilton,

He is known for his slow interpretation and his permanent tan.

It's incredible. He was in "Roots" like a white guy.

I'm not making this up.

Here is the answer to the question: What can the brunette do for you?

Ladies and gentlemen: George Hamilton.

Oh yes!

I know you're thinking...

George Hamilton does not paint nothing in this scenario.

He's a movie star.

To tell the truth, I'm not sure

What am I doing here tonight?

which is the only thing in common that I have with David Hasselhoff.

As you can see, I am a classically trained actor

but even I can't act like If I gave a shit about these people.

However, we are here tonight to mock

of this beloved icon, David Hasselhoff.

Except for Hulk Hogan,

that is here to destroy the decoration after the show.

As you know, every time I attend an event like this

my first goal is to choose

who am I going to bring home to rape on my waterbed.

Whitney Cummings...

How I would like to make love to you.

But unfortunately I'm just an old man with perfect vision.

And I suspect that might be too much.

It's obvious that this roast needs me.

I'm the only man here who You can remove the scarf from your neck.

Well Hulk Hogan can take off the scarf

but let's face it, it's more likely

let it be removed first the pants and the thong.

Maybe I'm being a little subtle, Hulk.

I'm calling you a faggot.

Oh, God... Okay.

David, I have followed your career

since the beginning of the night.

And it really is incredible.

Like all Hollywood greats,

David often talks about himself in the third person,

as in "Don't fuck with Hoff"

or "Hoff needs his stomach pumped."

Damn, Hoff,

Where are you going to hide the dead whore?

Why didn't you put her in your movies?

Then she would never be seen again!

Oh yes!

This is really a night incredible, ladies and gentlemen.

You see a guy like this and you realize

who has been in more of 5000 hours of television.

double

if you count the camera Liquor Barn security

But it doesn't matter,

because he has made so much money with Baywatch

that you don't have to work again.

However, he doesn't take the hint.

David, I hope you enjoyed.

I can't tell from the botox.

Could you blink three times if you had fun?

Brilliant!

Congratulations David.

You are very understanding.

Millions of people love you.

And I just want to say this from the bottom of my heart:

Hulk Hogan is a faggot.

You finished him.

Our next guest, Jeffrey Ross,

put the "fat Jew" back

in the phrase "damn fat Jew."

Let's welcome a man

which is as inappropriate as it is funny:

Jeffrey Ross.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Thanks love.

Come on!

- Thanks buddy. - It's done.

Thank you so much.

Oh my God!

Alright, here we go.

Do you want to listen some dick jokes?

But we must thank

to the great roast master tonight: Seth.

Great job man.

Great job, seriously.

The man of a thousand voices, all of them Steview!

By the way Seth, South Park called.

They want everything back.

Yeah!

As you know,

just roasting those I love...

and David Hasselhoff.

Finally a Jew does a "roast" to a German.

Hey Hasselhoff!

The only difference between Hasselhoff and Hitler...

at least hitler knew when his career was over.

Why do the Germans love you so much, huh?

Maybe it's because you fill the void of spectacle

left by Anne Frank.

Too soon?

I must admit that I loved you

in that ad of hamburgers you made.

Thank you. Thank you.

Seriously, Hoff. How's that for the chain

of all-you-can-eat restaurants eat on the floor" that is yet to come?

You know, it's a little ironic

that you have made millions acting as a lifeguard

when every night you drown your sorrows in alcohol.

Hoff once blew into a breathalyzer

and the breathalyzer said:

Wow, wow! One by one, gentlemen!

Where are my fans of The Car? fantastic? I know they are there.

Yeah!

What a stroke of luck.

What is the probability that a alcoholic get a role in a series

about a car that drives itself?

That's a good one, huh. That's a good one.

I like it. Roast.

Oh!

I heard that Hoff a maybe I was so drunk

who fucked Kitt through the tube exhaust (NdT: "Gashole", invented)

No means no, Michael.

But Baywatch It was always my favorite.

It was always my favorite.

I think you should have won a special Emmy

just to put in a belly for 12 seasons.

In the end you had tits largest in the series.

And you were actually running in slow motion.

And here is my other childhood hero,

the great Hulk Hogan, what a cool guy.

You look great, brother!

He's been fighting for so long

that the first time he knocked down a guy

They told him in Roman numerals.

YO,

I-I,

I-I-I,

Oh God!

Look at you. You look like "Dog the Bounty Hunter" pastrami version.

Oh, God. It's killing me.

Many people don't know this but...

Hulk Hogan's real name is...

Terry.

Terry. Even the minority knows this.

Lisa Lampanelli's real name? Terry. Even the minority knows this.

Lisa Lampanelli's real name?

Hulk.

There she is, as beautiful as ever.

And of course, there is my friend Jerry Springer.

A man who bathes in the tears of the poor.

What a life. What a life this guy had!

He was mayor of, erm... Was it Cincinnati, Jerry?

Yeah.

Then they caught him with a whore.

I mean, really,

Who the hell pays a whore with a personal check?

It's like... it's like...

how to pay a whore with a personal check.

Of course Pam is here,

because Pam and Hoff have so much in common...

They both made embarrassing videos

with meat filling his mouth.

Wha! Wha! Wha!

Hoff, I know what you think that you are so smart,

how do you manage put the word "hoff" in everything...

except in the sentence:

They have "offered" me a job.

Oh!

Whoo! Whoo!

What a pleasure.

The beautiful ones are here Hoff's daughters, Hayley and Taylor Ann.

Give them some love.

How nice that you came for your father.

Apparently they aspire to be singers.

You know, they say that talent skips a generation,

so you're probably wonderful.

And Hoff, the truth is that everyone loves you,

And we're all going to campaign for you

so that you can give the next one great leap in your career...

which is probably after falling on stage.

Thank you for being so understanding tonight,

and I hope you find work soon.

Hey Hasselhoff!

Thanks buddy. It was very fun.

Very, very, very fun.

Thanks buddy. How fun it was.

Hi David. I'm Sharon.

Do you remember me? We used to work together.

David, we are so sorry that we cannot be there with you,

but we still have a job.

David, it's important,

really important that you understand,

that we were not the ones who we kicked out of the program.

It was more of a group decision, David.

Including the producers, the chain...

Millions of SMS...

Ah! and the octopus

that chose the winners of the world cup.

Yes, exactly.

Oh, and one more thing, David.

Do you still pee on the plane?

Do you remember that

Did you piss on all those planes?

You don't have to do it again.

Because you have nothing What to be ashamed of, David.

Nothing. And when you think about it,

You will have completed the circle.

Well yes, you started with The fantastic car

and now you live in one.

Congratulations, David. We love you.

We love you.

Our next roaster He is an athlete, actor

and father.

And Hulk, I have to say that your daughter, Brooke Hogan

has become a very, very, young and beautiful uncle.

That's not true.

Hulk, when then explain all these jokes

You're going to be so angry.

Please welcome the next sports star to die:

Hulk Hogan!

Time for war.

Hi Lisa! How are you doing, brother?

Hello uncle!

You know, I haven't seen you

since you gave me one beating at "Wrestlemania IV."

Of course at that time,

Lisa fought under the name from "André the va-gigante".

You know, I'm not going to lose time with Jeff Ross.

How do your people know? It's twice as strong.

The only time I messed with a Jew,

my ex-wife stayed half of my stuff.

Of course I recognized Jeff. behind the scenes.

His face swollen, red and unshaven.

It seems like Pamela Anderson...

I'm sorry, do I have to say this?

You can say it.

OK.

It seems like

Pamela Anderson took away pussy lips.

Oh! Oh!

You know guys, I'm just kidding.

This woman is a legend... the sex symbol of his time.

Now...

Pamela Anderson has been in the pages of Playboy

more times than Greg Giraldo's semen.

The great Jerry Springer is here.

You know, your show always starts

with the crowd shouting: Je-rry! Je-rry! Je-rry!

Je-rry! Je-rry!

What they don't show is presenter asking:

Who is the biggest scoundrel

bastard and Penis Face from television?

Je-rry! Je-rry! Je-rry!

Well, speaking of something

that you don't want to see on a daily basis,

Here's Whitney Cummings.

You know, this roast is a big step for Whitney.

She had her first experience with fame

when George Hamilton He came in her mouth.

- Too soon! Too soon! - Too soon?

Too soon.

What do I know? I'm not a comic, brother.

Seriously Hoff...

Brother, don't you mind that your career

be in the same toilet where does Lisa drink?

But brother, I love you man.

And I hope you continue Doing your thing, Hoff.

Because when you go,

There will be no one to take your place...

Except maybe that guy from "Airwolf." (NdT: Translated as "Wolf of the Air")

Well, I guess to finish,

There's only one question to ask you, Hoff.

So what are you going to do, brother, When no one hires you?

Yeah!

Suck it, Hoff.

Our next roaster It's Pamela Anderson...

The sexiest woman in the world a long time ago.

Please welcome to the crazy one to tie,

shaded eyes and explosive girl from the prohibition era:

Pamela Anderson!

Good. God bless you.

God bless you.

Well, well.

This is funny.

Anyway...

Thanks, Seth.

Isn't Seth adorable?

He has the money of a tycoon of oil, the face of a child

and a boy's penis.

You know, I'm not very well known. for the monologues.

I'm best known for getting laid.

Oh David, I feel your pain,

I know exactly what you're going through,

except that when they "they roasted", I was important.

It really is impressive be doing another roast.

We have all grown so much, especially you, Lisa.

You know, many people don't They are aware of this,

but Lisa almost had a role in Baywatch.

Unfortunately it was impossible to find a ten piece bikini.

I'm actually very excited,

Hulk Hogan is here because, as you know,

every roast needs a Dumb blonde with big tits.

You know Hulk, you've been through a lot.

these last few years.

You left your wife.

You moved with your daughter,

What does your girlfriend look like? which looks like you.

Wow, I think Jerry Springer he just vomited in his mouth.

Oh!

Oh, there's George Hamilton.

I don't want to have anything What to do with that guy.

As a proud member from PETA, I don't wear fur...

And I definitely don't talk to leather.

How could one make a "roast" without Jeffrey Ross?

No, seriously. How could it be done a roast without Jeffrey Ross?

Because let's be honest, people put these "roasts"

to see Jeff Ross

in the same way they put Baywatch

to see David Hasselhoff.

I remember how nervous I was first day of Baywatch

because I didn't know how to swim.

But David was so kind.

He took me aside and said: Don't worry, I don't know how to act.

But you know, that didn't stop him. keep giving me advice.

When we were rehearsing a scene, He always told me: No, Pamela,

say your lines with more passion, something like that.

And he was right. It worked!

David took his role in Los Baywatch very seriously.

You know, one time I actually saw him

rescue a real person that he was drowning.

David brought the man to land,

he gave him word of mouth and, of course,

the man died immediately due to alcohol poisoning.

David, I really want to work. with you again someday.

But you know, it's just that there are no papers

for someone like me in gay porn.

Yes there are.

Yeah? Okay.

Everyone here has been making fun of David's musical career,

but I think there is nothing more romantic

than opening a bottle of wine, light a good fire

and listen to my Hasselhoff records

sizzling in the flames.

But you know what, David? Our friendship is real.

That's why I feel honored to be here tonight for you.

You have been an inspiration to me throughout my career.

and I can't explain to you how exciting it has been

eclipse you again in a television program.

- I love you. - Yeah!

Good night.

It was to die for laughter. You are great.

You are great. I love you, Hoff.

Our next roaster It's Gilbert Gottfried.

Just watching him act

you can already say that It really has some...

What is the word? Extra chromosomes.

And it always seems

someone just sprayed me eyes with lemon juice!

Let's welcome everyone to the disgusting uncle from America:

Gilbert Gottfried.

Seth MacFarlane!

Come on people, be patient with Seth.

It has to be hard for him to make a roast,

especially because The Simpsons They haven't made one yet.

If The Simpsons Wiped Their Asses

in front of Seth MacFarlane...

He could learn to do it too!

But unfortunately the Seth MacFarlane's fat ass

is covered in layers

of uncleaned excrement and shame,

because The Simpsons they haven't done it yet.

Lisa Lampanelli!

I'm told that Lisa had little problems

to choose what to wear tonight.

couldn't decide

between the honey glaze and the pineapple slices.

Lisa! I have a question.

Where are all those black guys

with whom you say you have sex?

are you trying to tell me that in this time

There's a single black man

who wants to be caught

inside a person who has the size of a slave ship?

Currently, Lisa has an important role

in "African Horror Story"

It turns out that the black man who picked cotton

she was ripping off her tampon!

There's a joke.

Pamela Anderson goes walking on the beach

and stumbles upon a magic lamp.

Rub the lamp and the genie comes out.

And the genie says: Here I am to grant you a wish.

Pamela says: I love you to you to act as V.I.P.

the hit series should have been.

The genie says: Even with All my power, I can't do that.

Can I grant you a different wish?

So Pam says: Okay.

could you do my tight vagina again?

And the genie says: Uh, let me take another look at V.I.P.

David Hasselhoff walks to a bar... every morning,

and then it stays there until it closes.

You know, I've always heard that David Hasselhoff

It has sold millions in Germany.

But like many stories in Germany,

Those numbers are probably inflated,

if not a complete lie.

Oh, God.

David Hasselhoff is running along the beach in slow motion.

He stumbles upon a magic lamp.

Rub the lamp and the genie comes out and says:

I'm here to grant you a wish.

David says: Could you play The night watchmen

the hit series should have been?

The genie says: I have seen The night watchmen

and even with all my power,

I can't make that series good.

You will have to choose a different wish.

So David thinks about it and says:

Could you make tight Pamela Anderson's vagina again?

- I don't understand. - It's just a joke.

The genie says: No! No!

And a thousand times not!

Nothing to be done

with Pamela Anderson's pussy!

And then David Hasselhoff says:

Ok, could you make me a great singer?

So the genius thinks and then: Abracadabra!

You are a great singer.

David Hasselhoff

immediately embarks on a tour

and the genius breaks his ass.

He says: Oh my God!

Look at the Hasselhoff there

thinking he can sing!

What an idiot!

The genius says: It has never been done!

such a good joke on a fool!

They should call him "assholeHoff"!

What a fucking joke

he made him genius that day to that asshole!

Good night!

Very fun.

Our next roaster It's Jerry Springer...

The human being with less daily television class.

And be the human with the least daily television class

It's quite an achievement...

when your guests are a ten year old pregnant woman

and a fat lesbian.

Here he is, Jerry Springer.

Hello, champion.

Hello everyone.

You are probably wondering because I'm in this "roast",

I'm here because I worked with David

on "America's Got Talent."

David is here because he didn't do it.

Oh my god, this is embarrassing.

I'm glad your career I'm not alive to see this.

I mean, seriously, in your entire life,

You've never been in anything good...

Except for Pamela Anderson.

You and Pamela... eh...?

Hmm...

I'll tell you what, if you did it, smile.

Kitt, get me out of here.

Wow!

I guess it's natural May David and I be friends,

because we are soul mates.

In my program I have had to deal with prostitutes,

drug addicts and mental instability.

And you, David, you have done it with Pamela Anderson,

Nicole Eggert and Gena Lee Nolin.

Actually I love you very much.

I'm not very handsome but I am rich as hell.

I'm just saying it.

David Hasselhoff and yours truly We've been on Broadway,

which is true, playing Billy Flynn,

the lawyer from the musical Chicago.

Criticism today says, You know, I was fine.

But David gave more singing than a real lawyer.

Who knows? Maybe this night be able to resurrect

that great career as a singer.

Why don't you sing to us A few more notes, David?

But before you do, Mr. Hogan, would you be so kind?

to give it a tremendous hit my head?

I'm joking, of course.

you have to be careful when things are said

as "head" and "hit" to a hulk like Hulk.

Are you looking at me?

And now my final reflection...

You know, David Hasselhoff He's one of those guys.

He is an incredibly man leaning forward,

whose ambition and self-confidence

has blessed him with phenomenal success.

Despite his absolute lack of talent.

Has been able to forge a brand indelible in our culture...

No, rather, in world culture.

That's why you can go to any country

from anywhere on the planet

and people will recognize you like a complete idiot.

Congratulations, David.

Thanks, Jerry.

Whitney Cummings is ours next rising star...

Because this business It's run by assholes.

She is a feisty girl with a lot of sperm...

On his neck.

Please welcome to Whitney Cummings.

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello beautiful. Very excited. Thank you.

Thank you. Wow.

Keep watching the fake Trey Parker, people. (NdT: Creator of South Park)

David Hasselhoff, George Hamilton, Hulk Hogan...

I think that we have learned something tonight

is that the self-tanner makes you disappointed

in the entertainment business.

look at all these idiots they attracted.

Lisa Lampanelli, Pamela Anderson...

You two

you are like the brotherhood of rubbed pussies!

Jeff Ross, what was that thing in the swimsuit?

You are unpleasant.

Your cock in a swimsuit

It's like a trapped hamster in a ball of water.

George Hamilton is here. Well, whatever.

George, you are so dark I think you're Mexican.

The only difference is that Mexicans work.

Here's Lisa Lampanelli, so funny.

Lisa, you look like Susan. Boyle fucking Snooki.

Lisa, your vagina is like a bad movie.

Fully open

and they have been in it all the "Wayans Brothers".

Talking among ourselves, we know that you are bald,

Take off your handkerchief now.

Here's Hulk Hogan.

You are a disaster.

You always wear those spandex things covering your crotch.

You have less sperm in your eggs

the one Pamela has in your mouth right now.

Pamela, your vagina is like a M. Night Shyamalan film.

Everything was ten years ago the world wanted to see it.

Now when they see her, they come out and say:

What the hell was that?

Was it an alien?

Was he dead?

What was Mark Wahlberg doing there?

All the jokes I told about Pamela,

They also apply to your daughter.

Okay, do you want to go get her?

It's not worth it.

You're right.

And now for the man of the moment,

ladies and gentlemen...

David Hasselhoff's cock It's like a polaroid photo.

Nobody uses it anymore

and shaking it doesn't appear faster.

And your music is obviously horrible.

I actually tried to buy one of your songs on amazon.com

and said: The clients who bought this product

They also bought a shotgun.

No, you're so understanding.

Pam, you are so understanding.

And thank you for allowing me to be here.

It's been so much fun. And thank you very much.

Very fun. Very fun.

Thank you, thank you.

They will not know our latest roaster: Greg Giraldo.

Me neither.

He is a renowned judge from "Last Comic Standing"...

A program that in seven seasons It hasn't launched anyone's career.

Please give a warm welcome

to a very funny man,

that without these "roast" I would die of hunger:

Mr. Greg Giraldo.

Thanks, buddy. Thank you.

Thank you all.

Donny Osmond, gentlemen! Wasn't that funny?

What a fucking bore. Holy bitch!

I love that character of Stewie from your show.

It's fabulous.

You've made all your money by creating

a fucking criminal baby.

You're like Michael Lohan.

How... how...

How is this scenario so cheesy?

How is this scenario so cheesy? This is not a roast, it's a melt.

Jerry Springer, George Hamilton...

Look at these successful ones talentless jokes.

The devil has signed so many pacts with you gentlemen,

who has carpal tunnel syndrome.

Pamela Anderson is here, people.

I hope this is not Too direct, Pam.

But God, I jerked off with you a lot.

You have made me spill more seeds

that Muhammad Ali in a bird feeder.

Pam, you have...

It's kind of a compliment, right?

Bigmouth Jeff Ross is here.

But what the fuck, Jeff?

you were adorable with those underwear and everything.

You looked like Andrew Says Gay.

How much do you plan to gain?

You are gaining weight faster of what you're getting older from.

You're like The Curious Case of Benjamin Glutton.

Bloated little writer...

Your jokes are so old who know who George Hamilton is.

George Hamilton!

You look like a Tang. George Hamilton!

You look like a Tang.

You are dry and orange,

and he doesn't give a shit about you no one since 1968.

Hamilton, you look like a walking tumor.

Not exactly... it's a problem when you detect a tumor.

And of course it wouldn't be a roast.

without "Pizza" Lampanelli, gentlemen.

Lisa... Lampanelli. Me Good to see you, Lisa.

I have never seen a before circus bear in pants

And you know what?

Lisa seems...

It seems very safe but actually it is not.

It's very sweet.

He was telling me between racks that had a knot

in their four stomachs.

But you're... you're a fat girl.

Have...

You have more chin

than a Chinese girl with a lot of chin.

But how fat...

And her Shell Too!

And speaking of fat pussies, Here is Hulk Hogan, gentlemen!

What do you think?

Hulk, people say you you are going bald. Bald?

You are going bald from it so Jeff Ross is "getting fat."

Hulk, I can't imagine because your wife left you.

You are an old man who saw Like a Hooters waitress.

Leave your shirt on, busty.

You are 80 years old!

You had a reality show called "Hogan Knows Best."

should have been called "Hogan throws tits." You had a reality show called "Hogan Knows Best."

should have been called "Hogan throws tits."

Jerry Springer, good to see. that you crawled here today.

Springer, cultural sodomite.

You have done a "fist-fuck" to our civilization. (NdT: Sexual practice)

like Gilbert's uncle on Valentine's Day.

You were Bobby Kennedy's assistant,

which probably explains your connection with Hasselhoff.

I guess you like it be surrounded by people

whose career ends on the floor of a hotel.

You did it... it's a great joke, gentlemen.

That's why we call it "roasting."

Anyway I feel If evil has accumulated,

but this is what we do here.

And now

with the happy hour man.

One more round of applause for the Hoff, people.

It's about time!

David Hasselhoff, what a legend

Hasselhoff sitting in a lifeguard chair

because it is what characterizes you most.

I guess when we roasted Pam

should have been sitting on a cock.

I'm sorry.

That's a tuxedo.

You look like Adam Lambert's partner for the prom.

You are huge in Europe.

You were even knighted by the queen of England.

He named you, "liver knight."

Hasselhoff, Have you ever Aren't you drunk?

You used to have a car that It started when you talked to it.

Now you have a car that doesn't It wants to start when you blow on it.

You are so drunk, that when alcohol makes the statement

It makes you dependent.

You are... you are...

Yeah!

You have starred in Jekyll and Hyde on Broadway.

Give him a round of applause for that.

An excellent performance.

You played a normal guy

that when you drink something

becomes a furious and abusive asshole.

Impressive record.

Maybe for your next big leap, you can take

the furious part drunk hamburger eater.

Hasselhoff, fuck you, drunk.

You drink a lot, right?

Your liver is so shriveled, black and dead,

that if you close your ear you can hear:

"What are you talking about, Willis?" (NdT: Gary Coleman's phrase in "Arnold")

Your liver...

Oh my god.

Hasselhoff, you are a good guy, a good father.

Congratulations for being digging here tonight.

I know you've swallowed a lot of shit

but you're not going to remember any of this.

Let's face it, you probably won't.

Thank you.

Wow!

He is one of the most controversial figures

and vilified history of humanity.

His road to infamy began storming the beaches

with an army of followers blonde, blue-eyed and brainless.

At the height of his powers, thousands of germans

They gathered to listen to him standing behind a microphone.

utter their hateful and crazy squawks.

But soon it was like a vat, failed and dejected.

And as I lay in the floor of his bunker,

eating his last supper,

promised that one day would rise again...

And then he fell again...

And then he vomited and got up again...

Tonight he returns to stand up to his accusers,

take out your dick at the after party

and finally complete his master plan...

invade Pamela Anderson.

Ladies and gentlemen, rise and salute

to the next world dominator... David Hasselhoff!

Wow!

Wow!

I'm exhausted!

What a night!

It's really amazing.

I...

I sincerely want to thank you everyone to come

and waste a little time

with a loner, failed and pathetic drunk...

Greg Giraldo.

But look what we have here.

Jerry Springer, Hulk Hogan, George Hamilton...

and Gilbert Gottfried.

If a shock were to hit the stage tonight,

the world would lose...

a bomb

First of all, thank you not to sing, Seth MacFarlane.

And thanks for not making any jokes.

I've heard rumors that you like to drink,

sometimes maybe too much.

Be careful, Seth,

You don't want to end up like me...

Tall, handsome, rich and famous all over the world.

The people always He asks me if I had sex

with some of the women from Baywatch.

Let's say Germany is not in the only thing that I am great.

Because I am The Hoff,

international star cinema and theater...

and youtube.

And Pamela Anderson, my great friend...

- Pammy, you look beautiful. - Thank you.

I know that since The Watchers the beach, we take different directions.

- Yeah. - Something like your nipples.

Oh God.

But it looks great.

You can still see her running on the beach every day...

of bill collectors.

And I have to say that It is an honor for me

May the great George Hamilton be here.

He is an inspiration!

When I see him I think:

Man, I hope I look this good in 200 years.

And Jerry Springer...

Although we have worked together,

I've only seen your show once.

There was nothing more than Disgusting white trash.

Oh no, wait a minute, That was Pamela's porn video.

Hulk Hogan, thank you. Thank you for doing this, sir.

You are a legend.

Hulk has been fighting for more than three decades...

with his sexuality.

And he will tell you,

that the most difficult thing win the championship belt

is to find matching shoes.

And Gilbert Gottfried!

Oh God, you could be my twin brother,

If I had a twin brother...

and would have died in the womb.

Miss Lampanelli, I'm going to tell you something

that no one has ever said...

Have you been exercising?

Enough of you and let's go more with me.

Now, thanks to me...

Sorry, David.

Oh my god.

- Is that Kitt? - No, I'm OnStar.

Do you need your ambulance again?

Of course it's me, idiot liqueur in blister.

Oh my god. It's you, Kitt!

I thought you were just a prop.

I haven't seen you since last bachelor party.

Yes, the bachelor party.

I finally managed to remove the foul smell of your vomit

from my front seat...

and rear...

and from my glove compartment...

tape player...

garage.

What a night that was.

Don't worry, the vomit dried up,

just like your career.

Geez, Kitt, I'd love to talk

but I'm with the "roast" right now.

David, oh, David...

How can you allow Do these people make fun of you?

- What are you talking about? - You are so talented.

You have so much to give.

Are you ever going to straighten out your life?

Will there ever be a time

where I don't feel ashamed of you?

Yeah.

When, David? When?

Well, this is the time.

That?

This is the moment

Oh God, David, not now.

this is the day

¡Por favor, Hoff, no cantes!

I send my demons

and cheeseburgers on their way

Voy a vomitar.

every endeavor

have made ever

is coming into play

it's here and now today

this is the moment

damn all the odds

this day or never

I'll sit together with the gods

when I look back

I will always recall

moment for moment

this was the moment

the greatest moment

of them

all

Recordad, a veces la vida te da un toque de atención.

Es la rapidez con la que te levantas, no lo dures que caes.

Now... Do you want to come partying with The Hoff?

Let's go party!

Thank you all for coming.

Thanks to everyone!