All language subtitles for Laid.2024.S01E03.PCOK.FLUX+NHTFS+SuccessfulCrab.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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I did it.

No.

I told you chore charts cause
more drama than they prevent.

That's not what this is.

This is a timeline

of everyone you have ever had sex with,

in order, along with everything
you ever said about them,

the sex you had, quality, quantity,

location, and how they died,

if they're dead, except for Brandon.

Medical examiner is staying

real tight-lipped about that one.

Jesus.

- But wait, how did you...
- How did I do all this?

Well, I searched our text
thread for the eggplant emoji

and also peanut, oyster, peach,
and taco to cover all my bases.

- Oh, my God.
- I keep every text

I send or receive, and this is why.

Ta-fucking-da. I stayed
up all night working on it.

- And clearly went to Staples.
- And went to Staples

when they opened at 8:00 a.m., yes.

Now we finally have
color ink in our printer,

and we also have...

- A blow-job overlay.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.

- Absolutely not.
- Okay.

Well, it's there if you want it.

That's why it's an overlay.
That's how overlays work.

And I slept with John Early
after I dated that couple.

And I never slept with Megan's dad.

No? That night we all fell asleep

watching "Manchester by the Sea"?

- I also fell asleep.
- Okay, I'll take him down.

Maybe give Megan a call, though.

She thinks you fucked her dad.

And Bar Trivia Guy didn't
wear a Green Day T-shirt.

- It was Sum 41.
- Lot of notes.

Okay, thought you said you loved it.

Never said that. Never said those words.

Is this an advent calendar?

They're female sex addendums.

We don't know yet if
women will die, too,

so we have extra room just
to jot down our thoughts

or any poems that might come to us.

- You bought yarn for this.
- I bought a lot of things.

Now, what do we do about Robert?

He's dying but still alive.

Maybe just one slash?

- Ooh, I know.
- Oh, my God.

Dash, dash, dash. Dash, dash, dash.

Like in "The Family Circus,"
when you follow Billy.

"Where is Billy?" "Up in that tree."

Sorry, I've been awake for 29 hours.

You're hiding it super well.

Thank you. Now, this
is everybody, right?

Jason Spotify Ads was the
last guy you had sex with.

Yep, that's everybody.

- Oh, and Zack.
- What?

We can't let him see this.

For someone who loves
super-violent video games,

he's a little kid about actual death,

probably because all of his
grandparents are still alive.

Right.

Everyone up here is gonna die,

so he definitely shouldn't see it.

Or be on it. What? No.

He definitely won't be
on it and won't see it

because he's afraid of death.

What a puzzle. I will solve this.

Will you?

I mean, seriously,
how is this happening?

If six doctors ruled out my
vagina assassinating people,

I think they'll also
rule out long COVID,

body hair, and the moon.

Okay, those are theories,
which is why they're listed

under "theories" on the board,
which is a judgment-free zone.

So, if you have anything
you'd like to add...

I don't know. I...

I think I may have, some point,
in a bar or a dressing room,

said I didn't care if some

or maybe all of these people died.

So maybe someone thinks
they're doing me a favor

by killing them.

Murder. I love that. I want that for us.

I'm putting it up.

Although, after five bodies,

the killer probably would
have sent you a trophy.

Hello?

I have a delivery for Ruby Yao.

Okay, but let's not
jump to any conclusions.

Let's see what it is fir...

There is a head in this box.
I'll get to that in a second.

I have a stalker who has
already killed five people.

- Synced and corrected by naFraC -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -

I'm sorry, did you just walk back here?

Is there anyone at the front desk?

Yes. I told them why I was here,

and they said to come see you.

Fantastic.

How can I help you?

I have a stalker who's killing

everyone I've ever had sex
with because they don't want me

to be with anyone else but them.

Oh, that's not how a stalker works.

They usually kill the
object of their obsession.

Right. I've heard this already

from my roommate, which
is why she isn't here

and physically tried
to stop me from coming.

But why would you kill

the person you're obsessed with?

If they're dead, you
can't be obsessed anymore.

Fun's over.

But for this guy, the fun's just begun.

I have a Jigsaw, and I am terrified.

We need to catch this asshole.

Did you just check to see
if I had a wedding ring?

Yes, because it's been ingrained in me,

because that's what
women are forced to do

because of society.

My stalker is winning right now.

We need to focus.

I am AirDropping a
photo of my sex timeline

to everyone in this police house.

Is that what it's called?

It's a precinct.

It's confronting, I know, but
no one sex-shame me, please.

This is a healthy body count
for a 30-year-old woman.

Thank you.

And only 30. bless.

Okay, so your stalker
gave your ex Michael

male anorexia?

No, but I think maybe

my stalker took advantage of it.

Michael couldn't run
because his legs were weak

from low muscle tone.

- And he gave David sepsis.
- Could be an angel of mercy.

We need forensics on this.

And I'll need a 24-7 police tail.

Honestly, all these people will,

because they're about to be murdered.

Or one of them is a murderer,

and we need to act
fast before he kills...

Simon.

Gonna have to rack my
brain on who that is.

Yeah, you will.

And that's okay.

Okay, why do we think there's
a human head in this box?

Did we open it?

My roommate wanted to, but I was like,

"That'll contaminate the evidence."

And she's like, "Oh, so now
you're the expert on murder?"

And I'm like, "Uh, it's a head.

It's 8 pounds."

And she's like, "You
can't get your science

from 'Jerry Maguire, '"
and I'm like, "Can't I?

It's well-written."

Again, contamination.

Your pen could leave ink
spots on the box tape.

How would we lift prints?

Oh, our print lifter
has a pen attachment.

Do you want some eucalyptus ointment

to dab under your nose?

- It's gonna smell.
- Stop. Nope, I'm good.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. Okay, here we go.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Are the eyes missing? Is
there a note in the mouth?

I have tweezers.

Ah.

I ordered snow globes
for a party I'm planning.

Had a really cute idea
for the c-centerpieces.

I really could have a stalker, though.

Five people really are dead.

Right.

Well, since we're not allowed

to dismiss women out of hand anymore

or use words like
"overreacting" or "hysterical"

or "on the rag," I'm just
gonna have to say to you,

thank you for entrusting
us with your safety.

Have a nice day.

- I am not crazy.
- Ah.

I didn't say you were,
'cause I'm not allowed to.

You can check my body-cam
footage for verification.

Oh, man, Stu Jackward died?

He just came off injured reserve.

Hey.

I thought we said 1:00. It's only 10:30.

Oh, yeah, my last meeting ended

a little earlier than I thought.

But good news.

Oh, the snow globes came.

Snow globes came. Not a human head.

Yeah, my parents are gonna love this.

Come in. Come in.

Another shipment's coming from Scotland.

I was just on the phone with them.

Tough accent to navigate.

My dad does a great Scottish brogue.

Purple burglar alarm.

He does it way better.

Try it like you're gargling marbles.

That was Sean Connery counseling you.

Is that "The Greatest Showman"?

Ah, I don't know.

I just... I think the
TV just came like that.

Um...

are you an undercover musical lover?

Because throw those covers off, honey.

I am right here.

Wait, are you serious?
You like musicals?

Okay, I know it's an
impossible question,

but what's your favorite?

Classic? "Singin' in the Rain."

I was Donald O'Connor last Halloween.

More recent, "Hedwig
and the Angry Inch."

I was John Cameron Mitchell
the Halloween before that.

And animated...

"Beauty and the Beast."

- Oh!
- Not gonna lie...

attracted to Beast.

The end of "Be Our Guest,"
when the feather duster started

doing a little cancan and
the champagne bottles pop.

I levitated and maybe cried a little.

I cried a lot,

or, like, you know,
like a regular amount

a-a guy would cry.

I love that you love musicals.

Yeah, I used to watch them
all the time with my parents.

I love how close you are with them.

My mom died when I was 18,

and then my dad kind
of dipped out, so...

not a lot of closeness there.

I haven't seen him in years.

- Save a lot on cards, though.
- Mm.

Who still sends cards? Uh, I do.

- When's your birthday?
- Uh, May 26th.

You're getting a card.

Oh, great.

Can I get you something to drink?

Gin. Kidding. Surprise me.

Man, it's kind of nice
to talk musicals again.

Merci, she doesn't like 'em.

Oh, it was so great meeting her.

You know, I was really impressed

by her Women Experiencing
Carlessness charity.

You know, I saw a woman
walking to work this morning.

Please tell her I thought of her.

I will. Yeah, she'll like that.

Yeah, I like her. Her hair.

Hopefully it's not too
early for a probiotic soda.

Impossible.

To good gut health.

Mmm.

Oh, hey, how'd it go with your friend?

Did you talk to her,
get that big, scary thing

off your chest?

Oh, no.

We've got a lot of other
stuff going on right now.

Crazy stuff, actually,
so it's a little tense.

Oh, shit.

- Is everything okay?
- Yeah.

I mean, no, but we are
figuring things out.

It's fine.

It's gonna be fine, I hope.

Crazy being a single woman in the city.

- Mm-hmm.
- A lot of people out there.

- Weirdos.
- Mm.

Is that a bat?

Oh, uh, yeah.

It's to fight off the squirrels.

What?

Merci, she likes to
keep the windows open,

but she's allergic to
the mesh in the screens,

so enter every squirrel in Seattle.

They made a mess of your rug.

Uh, that... that's, uh,
usually covered by the couch.

Yeah, let me... let me just...

- Oh.
- Yeah.

That I still need to deal with.

It's Isaac! Isaac is my stalker!

Oh, my God, you do not have a stalker.

- Was there a head in the box?
- It was snow globes.

I know. I ran the tracking number.

- Anyway, there's news.
- There is.

I have a stalker, and it's Isaac.

I was just over at his house.

It is full-on

"Silence of the Lambs" over there.

He has a squirrel bat.

And think about it.

Guys started dying right after we met.

And he's so cute and innocent-looking.

I mean, isn't it always the
cute guy you least expect?

Ed Gein was never cute.

Everyone's cute to somebody.

Check if Isaac has living
parents he didn't kill.

Google "snow globe murder weapon

Isaac Torres parents."

Rubes, Isaac is not your stalker

because you don't have a stalker,

because stalkers can't
give someone cancer.

Oh, no.

Dash, dash, dash.

Poor Robert.

I can't believe he's already dead.

Like, he is dead.

- A guy I loved.
- I know.

- And the cluster's next.
- The what?

You have a sex cluster
followed by an antibiotic gap.

See, that's why I made these
brackets and that circle.

Okay.

Okay, I...

I had just come out of my
first real relationship,

and I needed to do
some fucking and sucking

- and swiping and wiping.
- Oh, I know.

Want to see the blow-job
overlay in this area?

It's planes stacked over San Francisco.

- You cannot see the city.
- Oh, my God.

I'm gonna kill a whole cluster.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Maybe not the whole thing.
Jordana might not die.

It might have to be full OM-pen.

Mm?

Full organic member penetration.

Got it. Hate it.

And I hate that I dealt
with my first heartbreak

by sex clustering or whatever.

No, respect your timeline.

Look, you inspired me to do mine.

This has four people on it.

I was with Terrance for eight years

and then Zack for five.

And you know I really
have to care about someone

before I'm intimate,
which is not an indictment.

I wish I could be more like you.

- I wish I didn't love so hard.
- What about the cellist?

We didn't do much, just hand stuff.

- No blow-job overlay?
- Mm, no, not my thing.

I didn't want to mess up my Invisalign.

Now, my hand-job overlay...
these are my greatest assets.

I'm like a surgeon but with hand jobs.

Both hands. Wow.

You don't want one to be a
lot stronger than the other.

You think this one can't tag
in if this one gets tired?

Your sex timeline folds up

and fits in a doll's pocket.

Mine is on wheels and
takes up this whole room.

- I can take it down.
- No.

It's...

good for me to see it,

to remind me that all these guys,

and possibly two women,

are going to die because of me.

I think I have to warn them.

I do, too. I also think that.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Roll on some deodorant,
and we'll head out.

Wait, but wait.

It's gonna be so weird...

and hard.

Jeffrey and Robert had some
not great things to say to me,

and they didn't even
know about the whole

"they're going to die
because of me" part.

Agree.

It is gonna be weird and
hard, but there are...

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven...

I changed my mind. Just take it down.

13, 14, 15, 16... 17 guys and 2 women

who deserve to know what's happening.

They would want to know.
I know I'd want to know.

Really?

Something... this bad?

We did the fucking worst...

The worst thing?

- You'd want to know?
- Absolutely.

We don't want to be the
people who know something

and don't say something.

We want to be Niecy Nash

in "Dahmer Monster: The
Jeffrey Dahmer Story."

"American Dahmer Monster:
The Jeffrey Murder Story."

"Ryan Murphy Presents
Jeffrey Crime Monster:

American Murder Dahmer."

Zack came up with that one.

Could not watch it, though.
Begged me to turn it off.

- Let's go be Niecy.
- Let's go be Niecy.

And we're sure Isaac's not my stalker?

Yes, we Googled his parents.

They are alive and well
in a sea of snow globes.

Literally, everything he has
ever told you has been true.

Fine. But what do we tell these guys?

We don't even know how
long they have left.

Somewhere between several
days and one or two.

I'm trying to find a correlation

between the length of
time you dated everyone

and the time between deaths.

I feel like it's an
average of two numbers,

but I don't know which.

And then I feel like I
need to divide by something,

- but I don't know what.
- Penis size?

I do have some of those numbers,

but it's an incomplete dataset.

I know you're nervous, but
also try and think of this

as a fact-finding mission.

- Are you wearing contour?
- I'm about to see all my exes.

To tell them they're dying.

I don't think me looking like shit

will soften the blow.

The Clog Dropper from upstairs.

- What do we do?
- Uh, act casual.

Hi. Jill Blanch?

We're your downstairs
neighbors, Ruby and AJ.

So weird we haven't
met after eight years.

Nice clogs.

Pure birch.

She is so scary. I love it.

Okay.

Let's go tell everyone
I've ever slept with

that they're going to die.

Ladies, congrats on the nups.

What kind of a retirement plan
were you hoping to save for?

Yeah, sorry, I sort of
lied to get us in here.

It's me.

Ruby Yao?

Oh, yeah, Ruby.

- Hi.
- Hi. It's me.

Cool. How are you?

Well...

Simon, let me answer that
question with a question.

Would you want to know
if you were gonna die?

- What?
- Also, can you tell me

how long your erect
penis is from base to tip?

What?

Let us both back up a little bit.

It's a bit too personal
to get into over intercom,

but I have some urgent information

I need to pass along to
Brian, Brian Glidewell.

The jukebox used to be
over there, didn't it?

I'll have a vodka tonic.

Whoa, that was pure muscle memory.

Spent a lot of time in this
bar listening to medium-ugly men

talk about their jobs.

- So you want a vodka tonic?
- Oh, no. Sorry.

Does the guy who used to
run trivia still work here?

He used to wear a Sum 41 shirt.

- It was a Green Day shirt.
- Oh, Richie.

Richie. Richie.

He runs trivia at a
different bar on Wednesdays.

Shit. Okay.

But while I have you...

In the original "Peanuts" cartoon,

who is Snoopy's nemesis?

There he is. Sum 41 shirt.

It was Green Day.

I love this new outfit.

Did you add sequins?

I didn't add sequins.

They appear magically the
closer I, Corbin the Clown,

get to being a kid again.

Keep it moving!

Keep it moving! Keep...

Sorry, Google Translate
just went into the cloud

for some reason.

Because you have no room on your phone

because you keep all your fucking texts.

So surprising to get your text.

Yeah, we haven't heard from you

since you broke up with us.

That's funny.

I remember it feeling a
little bit more mutual.

- No.
- No.

Okay.

Well, I am so happy to see that
you guys are still together.

I know that sometimes it can be hard

opening your relationship up to a third.

Oh, well, when your third is Beth...

Yeah, Beth was a real
game changer for us.

- Oh, gosh.
- Really opened us up, you know?

- Yeah.
- When you know, you know.

All I know is, the guy I'm
looking for is named Lucas.

Let me draw for you
the man I'm looking for.

Can you pull up Illustrator on that?

I don't have Illustrator on this.

Hmm. That's too bad.

I want to be kind, so I don't
want to say what I'm picturing.

But, basically, when we were having sex,

I was like a pea on a
pile of mashed potatoes.

Well, no more potatoes, and bam.

It's me, Ruby, Lug.

No way.

Way.

Yeah, I go by Lug now.

So, uh, what's this all about?

Do you remember that Cîroc
vodka launch party in 2018?

You were a bottle-service boy,
and I was sort of your boss

who probably shouldn't
have slept with you.

Oh, no.

Did you have a baby?

Fuck, do I have a son?

Is that what this is?

Is it... is it him?

No, I-I think that man works here.

- He's not with us.
- That's your coworker.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, my God. That was...

You got me, man.

- That was crazy.
- Yeah.

Okay. Can you see this timeline?

So then people started dying.

Now all these guys before you are dead.

One, two, three, four, five, six.

I said I clicked on "leave at door."

No, no, no, I am not a delivery.

I'm looking for a Brian Glidewell.

So I'm gonna die?

Also, seems unrelated, but it's not.

Have you used generic body spray

in the last nine years?

Oh, we can circle back
to that in a second.

In the meantime, let me just
AirDrop you this timeline.

Oh.

Just sent you my JetBlue app.

Hmm. Be better at phones, girl.

Should we have a handout
ready so they can follow along?

Would that help?

Yeah, it'd be nice to hold something.

What?

I'm Ruby.

We dated briefly.

You took me, unironically,
to brunch at a ren faire.

Yes. No, I know, Ruby. I remember you.

I just haven't seen you
since we got in a fight

about the movie "Malignant."

I kept calling the
main character Malignant

as if that was her actual name,
and she got annoyed because...

It's not the character's name.

'Cause it's not the character's name.

- Okay, well...
- Okay, remembering now

you love a long story.

- And they're all dead?
- All dead.

Yeah, but this paper doesn't
actually explain anything.

And some of these words
are really hard to make out.

I mean, I'm sorry, is that a C or a G?

Yes, that's a C.

Unless "sex gluster" is a term suddenly?

Obviously, it's not.

Oh, I get it. This is an AA thing.

You're making amends.

Is this a prank?

Oh, did Blake send you?

That fucker. Hey, Blake!

Blake, I know it's you, bitch!

What do I tell my mom?

What the fuck?

I don't know where Brian Glidewell is,

and neither does Bass Pro Shop!

- Okay, okay, we tried.
- We tried.

Nobody's ever tried harder!

I have a lot of questions.

Really, everything we
know is on the flyer.

I'm sorry. I wish I had more answers.

I just don't.

That was lovely. You're
doing great right now.

Yeah, thanks. That one felt good.

Can we maybe just, like,
start at the beginning?

- Read the answer.
- Okay, it's the Red Baron.

The answer is the Red Baron.

I said it wasn't Woodstock.

That's Snoopy's best
friend and confidant.

Can we just...

What in the fucking...

Hell! You put me through hell.

You... you laughed when
you broke up with me.

You drove me somewhere after
and laughed the whole way.

And you used my catchphrase against me.

- "Keep it moving"?
- I did.

And I see now I shouldn't
have done that, "Jo-ay-oh."

- "Jo-ay-oh."
- João!

- "Jo-ay-oh."
- João.

I think he's upset with us.

Of course we're upset.

I'm just trying to tell you information

you deserve to know.

What kind of woman dresses up

to let people know that they're dying?

It's just contour!

A doctor who cares about her appearance.

Wait, I'm confused. Who's a doctor?

She's a doctor? both: No!

Okay.

Okay, look, I just need
everyone to take a deep breath

and raise your hand if you've ever used

spray paint in an enclosed space.

This is just typical Ruby chaos energy.

Yeah, yeah, brings me right back.

You know, you were a real
fucking nightmare to deal with.

- What? Me?
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
- How?

Well, you told your
friends that I was...

A loser, and then you ghosted...

- Me, right after you had...
- Cheated on us...

And you wouldn't even let us...

- Do it in your...
- Bottom.

- What?
- Your lowest point.

What was your rock bottom?

This, right now.

Oh, you're still in your disease.

My lowest point was actually
my last night with you,

- that car crash.
- Of course.

Everyone's got something today.

I laughed at this one.

I cheated on those ones.

Now there's this car crash
that is somehow my fault.

- Well, you were driving.
- So?

No, it's a good thing.

It's what finally
jolted me back to life,

what made me put down the
giant mashed potato spoon.

He did. He used to eat
them with a giant spoon.

When you ran away...

literally, the cops had
to chase her for blocks...

it kind of threw me.

I thought that an experience
like that would bond us

closer together, but
you just disappeared.

But you know what I did after that?

Ate?

No, I, uh... the opposite.

I stopped eating. I stopped drinking.

I stopped the whole
self-destructive path

that I was on, and I started training.

I got fit. I got other people fit.

So thank you, Ruby.

- Thank me?
- Yeah, for saving my life.

Lug, I hope it's your cheat day,

'cause we are going for mashed potatoes.

All right.

- So I saved a person's life.
- Hmm.

Interesting you started there.

There's a person now where
a person maybe wouldn't be.

- Because of you.
- Because of me.

A lot of them, though, didn't
have very fond memories of me.

They did not, no.

A doorman in a bedazzled clown costume

tried to strangle me.

But that makes what you did
today even more impressive.

You went into a hostile environment,

and you did that shit.

You're just trying to G me up.

That's right, because
you're a motherfucking G.

Also, you knew all
those people so long ago.

You're so different
than you were back then.

- Am I?
- You totally are.

You're, like, so mature...

A full adult and a great person.

The best best friend.

I'm really not.

But you are.

Some of the things I've done, I...

Or really one thing...

Ugh, it's Zack.

He's down to 39 subscribers

on his livestream channel,
and he is losing it.

Hey.

Okay, look, no one
appreciated Van Gogh either,

and now they sell his
paintings on phone cases.

Are you headed home?

I'm just gonna...

I'll see you later.

Okay, great work today.

Lots of new information.

I'm gonna work on the board later

when Zack goes to his friend
Felix's to watch "Bosch."

I love you.

Fuck.

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