All language subtitles for Laid.2024.S01E02.PCOK.FLUX+NHTFS+SuccessfulCrab.English-WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

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Understood. Yeah, absolutely.

No, no.

Oh, yeah. Thanks so much.

You too. Yeah.

Well, that was the coroner.
David died of sepsis.

Sorry, I forgot we had a dog.

Also surprising and alarming

that you know how to call a coroner.

Look, I know death.

And yes, I know every girl
now is obsessed with murder,

but I started the trend.

They could have their buccal fat removal

and Charlotte Tilbury.

I get blood spatter and Amanda Knox.

Is Amanda Knox the one...

- Italy?
- Mm-hmm.

- Acquitted?
- Mm-hmm.

Real killer left behind poo.

My girl has been through so much,

and all people remember is the poo.

Look, I know the right questions to ask.

And in your case, the
right question to ask

was what killed David?

David. My first love is dead.

Feels like just yesterday

he was fingering me under my
Hervé Léger bandage dress

at prom, now he's a
literal angel in our sky.

Mm-hmm.

Brandon, Jeffrey, David.

Sepsis,

comma,

fingered.

What are you doing?

Three of your ex-boyfriends died.

The more I think about it,
the weirder I think it is.

I mean, it's not that weird, right?

Sure, a few of my exes died.

I mean, I'm sure you
have an ex who's died.

Terrence.

Anyway, if anything,

dating is already impossible
and now people are also dying.

It's like, what do I have...

ugh.

No.

Sick, right? For the wedding.

I ordered it from Nordstrom's.

I can see a ball.

OK, you're not actually
wearing that to the wedding.

The invite says

come attired in your
most authentic spirit, so.

In what way is your most
authentic spirit Japanese?

The same way yours is French.

I am 78% French.

OK, yeah, and I'm 0.9 Japanese.

Where do you draw the line?

I think it's problematic and short.

Oh, so it's Ruby.

Dude, shut the fuck up.

Whatever, I'm just joking.

Oh, my God. Look, don't worry, babe.

You know my legs don't get cold.

We're going to have fun.

Just wear something cool too.

I can order another one.
They're still cheap right now.

You know, they're on sale

'cause it's cherry blossom season.

How are you feeling about that?

Robert's wedding?

Eh, fine.

I mean, I don't love that it's...

on a Thursday.

Like, "at work tomorrow"

are words I might
actually say at a wedding.

Rubes, you were with
him for three years.

There was a moment when you thought

you were gonna marry him, we all did.

Yeah, no, I...

Really tried with that one.

Anyway, we broke up so long ago,

it feels like ancient history.

It's still just like a reminder

that everybody else has figured it out.

You are exactly where
you are supposed to be,

and you are going to find someone.

Holland Taylor didn't meet
Sarah Paulson till she was 66.

What could have helped

is if Robert had at
least given me a plus-one.

It's like, no, I'm
not seeing anyone now,

but why did he just assume I'm single?

He could have asked me
when I texted him after

"Quiet on Set: The Dark
Side of Kids TV" came out.

He had a small part in all that.

Nothing happened. He was fine.

Sorry, were Brandon, Jeffrey, and David

all born in Cantara,
a town in California

that had a toxic spill in
'91, the year they were born?

No. No, none of them were.

Would you stop?

There is no connection here.

It is like you said. It
is a tragic coincidence.

Look, Robert's an ex.

He's alive.

And look,

look at all these other
exes who are doing great.

Oh, Brian, Aubrey.

Ah, Joao had twins.

- Aw.
- Nope, that's just

one big baby looking into a mirror.

Oh.

And you know who's doing really great?

Now, that is the very alive
ass of a very alive ex.

Stu Jackward.

I totally forgot you dated him.

How'd you meet again?

At that bobblehead event, remember?

He shot me a T-shirt from a cannon

with his phone number on it.

You know, that was the
first relationship where

I really felt like a grown-up.

He took me to a Ruth's
Chris and paid with a check.

Ruth's Chris.

I will never for the life of me

understand the name of that restaurant.

Ruth's Chris?

He's also the guy who
gave me my first orgasm.

And he was so strong.

He was always picking me
up and putting me places.

On a counter, on a table.

He called me his little elf on a shelf.

I'd rather not picture you

having an orgasm on a
bookshelf, thank you.

What are you doing?

Oh, sorry, um, I broke up with Zack,

so I'm deleting all
evidence of our relationship.

No way. Because of the kimono?

Oh, my God. He has done way dumber shit.

No, no, no.

The kimono is symbolic
of many bigger issues,

all of which boil down to the fact

that he is a child
who refuses to evolve.

He shows me he loves me by
giving me stuffed animals.

And it used to be cute, you know?

When we were 25, it was like,

look at that dude in roller skates.

He's nuts! Fun!

Now it's like there are
roller skates on that man

who is the first call
if I have a stroke.

Now I can get that
orca out of the kitchen.

Takes up so much counter space.

That's why I started using
the blowhole to hold Splendas.

Oh!

Oh, oh!

Stu Jackward has just taken
a foul ball to the temple.

Ooh, that is not what you want to see.

- Oh, my!
- Holy shit.

Oh, let's not. Yeah, we don't...

we don't really need to see that again.

Let's stop showing that.

Looks like Goldie has come out

to try to cheer up the
crowd, but that's...

that's clearly not gonna be enough.

Can we get somebody to
tell Goldie what's going on,

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Well, Ruby, everything looks great.

Your pelvic exam looks good,

your numbers are where I want them.

I'm very happy with your smear.

And you're...

- sure?
- Yeah.

I'm looking at the results of a
very healthy 33-year-old woman.

Cool.

Very cool.

All right. I'll let you get dressed.

Um, I, uh

just have one question.

There's nothing...

in there that could be

harming people, right?

I... I'm sorry?

I don't know how to
say this, Dr. Banooni,

but there have been some
odd deaths around me,

and I just want to make sure I'm not...

involved.

Uh, wh...

A few guys I slept with have died.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Thank you!

Ah, it's been hard.

So you're worried about an STD?

But, like,

I slept with them many years
ago, so maybe it's like a...

a time-release thing.

Like a sexually transmitted

shingles.

I rode an elderly donkey when
I went to the Grand Canyon.

Could that be related?

How are these people dying?

Uh, one had sepsis.

One, uh, we still don't know.

One got hit by a car
right in front of me.

One took a foul ball to the temple.

An FB to the T.

That's the jargon we've been using.

This is the problem
with your generation.

You're all so anxious.

Remember the time you came in

worried about your pubic
hair growing in sideways?

It was.

It stopped.

I think I was just
sleeping on my left side.

Ruby, let me assure you

it's medically impossible

for you to be causing
the deaths of these men.

A foul ball to the temple

cannot be the result of your vagina.

OK.

Good!

Yeah!

Great.

Yeah, that's what the
other three doctors said.

Oh, I was your fourth stop.

Well, well, well,
look who's anxious now.

Pardon me, I'm gonna
deliver the good news.

Oh, wow.

Oh, hi.

Wow, this place is great.

Right?

We can make this place really special

for your parents' party.

Dinner over there, dancing there.

And I was thinking maybe

when they read their
original wedding vows,

- we could do it here.
- Hmm.

Yeah, and don't forget about

the release of the hundred doves

that his parents have
asked for for some reason.

All right, where's Brenda?
Has anyone seen Brenda?

Does anyone have eyes on Brenda?

He'll rally on the day.

OK, cool.

And on that day, this
place will look beautiful.

I actually booked this place

three years from now for my own wedding.

Oh, you're... you're engaged?

No.

Actually, not even dating anyone.

And have zero prospects on the horizon.

So you know,

if you know anyone.

Like you.

But not you, of course.

I don't date clients.

What do they say?

Don't take a shit at work.

No, it's not that.

Something real close, though.

Sorry, I said take a shit.

That's fine.

People shit.

Not me.

Yeah.

I just love weddings
and romance and love.

Guess I'm just a romantic.

You know, I hear people say that, but

what does that mean, you know?

To be a romantic.

Oh, well...

you know.

I just love love.

Mm-hmm.

Things with love in them.

Movies, TV shows, podcasts,

things you can watch and
listen to that are romantic.

Things with Meg Ryan, but not dramas.

Like, she did something called "Ithaca,"
which did not work for me.

So like rom-coms, but
only with Billy Crystal.

As much as we love Tom Hanks,

that was not undeniable
chemistry if you ask me.

So "When Harry Met Sally." I
love "When Harry Met Sally."

Next thing you know, you're singing

"Surrey with the Fringe
on Top" in front of Ira.

Oh, and spitting that
grape at that car window?

Those are both Billy Crystal's moments.

Is it maybe him you like?

It's love that I like.

I want an epic kiss in the rain

or a big speech about how someone loves

every little flaw about me

or someone running in
and interrupting a party

to call my name so
everyone turns to look.

And then it's quiet except

for, like, a little clink
or two of silverware.

And then I'm like...

What are you doing here?

Anyway, sorry.

Rambling.

No, don't apologize. I... I get it.

You want to find someone you love.

You know, this was not in the brochure.

Shut the fuck up.

Was that a Billy Crystal
line from "City Slickers"?

Yes!

Oh, maybe I am a Crystal-head.

So this place holds 100.

I assume you'll want to invite 50

and give everyone a plus-one?

Unless you also like to
discriminate against single people.

No. No, of course. Everyone
should get a plus-one.

I mean, I'm not married and
I'll be bringing a plus-one.

Oh.

Like a...

old teacher?

No, my girlfriend.

Is your girlfriend an old teacher?

No, she's a marine biologist.

Her name is Merci, as in beaucoup.

Yes.

She's...

- Pretty.
- Yeah.

And how cool that she has a job where

she gets to wear what I
assume must be her work bikini?

Yeah, yeah.

She's also a gamer and
does a ton of charity work.

Ah. Congratulations.

That's great.

That is actually what I want
too, to find someone great.

I've recently realized

I've been too tough on
the people I've dated,

so just this morning,
I slid my age range up

five years to 50 because,
you know, Brad Pitt is 50.

I think Brad Pitt is 60.

Get the fuck out of here. He's 60?

FB to the T.

Hi.

Had a great session with Dr. Debra.

You mean you Zoomed with
your therapist from your car

in a Mendocino Farms parking lot?

That's right.

Great.

Dying to know what she
has to say about all this.

That? Oh, I didn't bring it up.

You didn't bring up that
four of your exes died?

I didn't even get to bring up
the fact that Brad Pitt is 60.

What?

She was on this thing about

how my family is the root
of my romantic problems.

She was on a roll, so I
just turned off my camera

and ate my side tortilla.

Ooh!

I like that. Out of the way.

Much better.

Hmm.

Also, cute client Isaac?

Has a girlfriend.

A sexy, charitable,
marine biologist gamer.

- Can you?
- I cannot.

What's with this?

Love when a thought gets interrupted

by a single clog-drop
from a Clogdropper.

Come on, Jill.

- What's with this?
- Ugh. Zack is being such a dick.

Even though we broke up, he refuses

to give up his plus-one to the wedding.

He says selecting the fish option

made it a binding agreement.

What a dick move.

Yeah, my ex is a real asshole.

Why are you still doing this?

I added Stu and I'm trying to see

if it's, like, a riddle.

The first initials of their
names spell out B-J-D-S,

but that means nothing.

'Cause I was thinking
how scary would it be

if their initials spelled
out, like, a creepy word?

Guts or hang.

I would scream.

But they don't. So it's not that.

Listen, I know you need
a distraction right now.

And it is sad and it is tragic
that these guys have passed,

and no one feels that more than me.

I hate that you just did that.

But I just got a clean bill of health.

So whatever's happening
here is not my fault.

If anything, this should just
remind us that life is short

and we need to appreciate it.

We owe it to these dead gentlemen

to have single girl fun

and find love at a
weeknight wedding at...

wait, where is this again?

Jesus Christ.

One-hour drive, 35-minute ferry,

dropped our bags at that shed.

That was the motel.

And a 25-minute bus ride?

On a Thursday.

Oh, God, this is so Robert.

Remember when you dated him,
you got super into tahini?

Middle Eastern dips and
protesting salmon farming

was our thing.

Ugh, Zack is here.

I'd recognize those
Shrek Crocs anywhere.

Single girl fun?

Single girl fun.

Oh.

And there's Robert, looking
very much healthy and alive.

Yes, he does.

And there's Sarah.

So what's our vibe tonight?

Mean girls or women supporting women?

In the spirit of celebrating life,

let's do supporting women.

Great. Love Sarah. She's glowing.

Radiant. Stunning.

My eyes are looking at a mermaid.

Robert and Sarah are
offering almond butter stouts

and orange wine with tannins on the side

if you'd like to spoon some in.

Is there, like, regular alcohol?

There is not.

OK.

- Thank you.
- Thanks

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Mine is, like, stuck in the glass.

You design toothpaste flavors?

That's crazy!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bye.

- I think she's alone, Dennis.
- You think so?

- Yes...
- What?

She's by herself.

Oh.

Thank you so much for coming.

It means a lot. Take care.

- Hey!
- Hey.

You here by yourself?

Kidding.

Beautiful ceremony.

Yeah.

I'm so glad you could make it, Ruby.

Wouldn't miss it.

I'm so happy for you, Robert.

I am too.

I feel like I finally found
the other half of my spirit

and I feel complete.

Yeah.

Must be a good feeling.

Oh, it really is.

Yeah.

You said.

So speaking of other halves of spirits,

and this is not a big
deal, but I was wondering...

why didn't you give me a plus-one?

Oh, uh, you know,

it was just a policy Sarah and I had

for people who weren't in
a significant relationship.

- Ooh, right.
- Yeah.

But... and again, this
is not a big deal at all,

but did you know for a fact

that I wasn't in a
significant relationship,

or did you just assume?

I... I thought I'd heard.

Because it kind of
feels like you assumed

and I'm not sure why.

Like, we texted when I
asked if you were molested

on that Nickelodeon show,
which honestly feels like

it would have been
the perfect opportunity

to ask, but you didn't.

And I guess I don't know,

I don't know why you
think it was so crazy

that I'd be with someone,

because I actually thought
I did a... I don't know...

a nice job in our relationship.

I didn't just give up.

I... I considered your feelings.

I developed shared interests.

I compromised.

I tried.

Which, honestly, is why I was surprised

when you broke up with me.

But I mean, it is fine.

It is fine.

It is fine. It was forever ago.

And now... and now you
are here marrying Sarah,

who is a radiant mermaid.

But also, like,

how did you know we weren't right?

This.

- Huh?
- This is how I knew.

I mean, you're making
my wedding about you

while my parents

and a line of people are
waiting to talk to me.

I'm not making it about me.

You were making this
about me when you assumed

that I was single and I'm just trying...

- Why are we talking about this?
- Well, I would have talked to my

plus-one about it,
but I didn't get one.

Maybe if you weren't like this,

you'd have a plus-one.

Like, this is why I didn't
want Sarah to invite you.

You haven't changed at all.

I cannot believe you're
still this selfish.

Now if you wouldn't mind,

my old pediatrician would
like to congratulate me.

DocDoc Steiner! Hey!

How's it going?

- Stout and a spoon, please.
- Here you go.

Having fun?

Not in the slightest.

- You?
- Nope.

I've gotten zero
compliments on my kimono.

One person even called
it cultural appropriation.

But I'm like, whatever, dude.

Like, women wear berets, so...

It's hard to argue
with any part of that.

At least our girl is having fun.

Please. She's not really
learning how to play.

You want a real drink?

If you have been drinking
actual alcohol at this thing,

I swear to Elsbeth.

Hey, everyone.

It's me, Craig.

Uh, who's ready for two
long-ish stories about Robert?

I also have weed.

Let us go far from this place.

This one is, uh, the kegger.

Uh, he was wrestling with my dad.

- Mm.
- You OK?

Oh, yeah.

Sort of.

The groom just told me some...

rude information about myself.

But I don't know. You'd
probably just agree.

Try me.

Well, he said I was selfish.

Yeah, big time.

But whatever.

Aren't we all? You, me, everyone?

Robert? That ding-dong is selfish.

I mean, who has all their friends

ferry out to the woods on a Thursday?

Fuck that guy.

Yeah, fuck that guy.

Maybe it seems like I'm selfish,

but really, it's like AJ says,

I just have high standards for myself.

I get it.

Every time I leave the apartment,

I think maybe, just maybe,

I'll save a baby.

From whatever.

Like, an out-of-control car,
or, like, a falling elevator,

neglectful nanny.

I don't know.

Probably won't happen.

I mean, if I'm being honest...

guess I thought it would
all turn out better,

that I'd be...

further along by now.

It's like we all have this
idea of where we should be.

And there's where we are.

The reality.

With our careers, our relationships.

Like, how's someone's
supposed to know, like,

this is the person I'm
supposed to end up with?

Totally.

Life doesn't come with a manual.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

I don't know where that came from.

I think I read it on a dish towel.

Still good with that kimono choice?

- Um...
- You still think that was

a smart move to wear to the wedding?

I do. This shit is awesome.

I'm never going back on this choice.

Look at all these folds I
can, like, store stuff in.

I'm like fucking 007.
Look at all this stuff.

I got a flask.

I got my weed in here.

I got my driver's
license, my motel room key.

Oh, fancy. Motel room key.

Yeah, well, I'm a pretty fancy guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a fancy guy with your...

with your kimono and its folds.

You gonna take a girl home tonight?

Yeah, I'm gonna take every girl...

every woman in these woods home.

Oh, yeah, you are!

You're going to take all the
women home from these woods.

Yeah, I'm like Winnie the Pooh

looking for that honey pot.

Search for that honey
pot, you fancy kimono man!

I'm like a little
bumblebee looking to sting.

Ooh, a-buzz, a-buzz, a-buzz.

Buzz, buzzing towards your honey.

- That's right, that's right.
- Buzz towards your honey pot.

You fancy kimon...

Oh, fuck!

Oh! Oh, my God! Get up! Get up!

Oh, my God, we did the worst.

We did the absolute worst.

We did the fucking worst!

Oh, oh!

And, like, 20 missed texts from AJ.

Where did you go? Hello?

A selfie in bed next to the cellist.

- Cello!
- Hold up. What?

What the fuck?

I can't believe she did that.

I can't believe we did this!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

We can never tell her what happened, OK?

- Never!
- Why would I tell her?

She would never talk to me again.

And shit. It's Friday.

I have to work.

Oh!

Just make us a couple
Keurigs while I shower, OK?

Oh, I hope there's Wi-Fi on the ferry.

I am a monster!

Sorry I'm late.

I had to go back into
the woods for my heels.

Hey, no worries.

Gave the chef time to prepare
all the different smelts.

Uh, right.

That is what we're doing today.

The smelt tasting.

Yum.

Yeah, my parents are gonna love this.

Different types of oily, buttery fishes.

That is their heaven.

Mine too.

Is there any way I could
get, like, a Sprite?

Mm, I cannot believe

there are eight different
ways to enjoy smelt.

Mm! Chef's kiss!

Um, yes, chef.

Those are two different...

Hi, you must be Ruby. I'm Merci.

Hi. I didn't
realize you'd be here today.

Hi.

Yeah, Merci's a huge foodie like my mom.

She wanted to come to the tasting.

Mm, I love food.

Just like GeeGeeGigi.

Uh, what words are those?

Oh, that's what I call
Isaac's mom, GeeGeeGigi.

We're, like, very close.

OK, wonderful. That's... love that.

OK, first smelt is up.

Who's ready for a fish so tender

you can spread it like cream cheese?

Mm.

For a second, you're gonna think

your body can't hold it.

But count to ten, and it will.

Stop talking about the fish.

- Mmm.
- Wow.

So, uh, Merci, I've
heard so much about you.

You're a marine biologist?

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

And I also work with a charity

that's very near and dear to my heart.

That's so selfless of you.

Which one?

People Experiencing Car-lessness,

Specifically Women.

Yeah, we provide transportation
to un-carred people.

Specifically women.

Oh.

That sounds like a great cause.

I'm trying to understand
it, but it's hard.

So women who don't have
cars, you give them one?

Yes, but not just un-carred.

They're also usually un-homed.

Oh, sorry, it's the lab.

Hey, Glenda.

OK, well, did you get
the blood work back?

- Excuse me.
- Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

No, I'm listening.

Hold on, I'm just...

I'm just going to...

OK. OK, I'm here.

Yeah.

You OK?

Honestly, no.

I made a horrible mistake at
last night's Thursday wedding,

and I just...

I did something
unforgivable to a friend.

Hey, look, we...

we all do things we regret.

It doesn't mean you're a bad person.

Is it your friend AJ?

How'd you know?

Well, he seems to really
want to get a hold of you.

Oh.

AJ's a she.

OK.

Um, does AJ know what happened?

I've never kept a
secret from her before.

Well, I mean, this is clearly
someone who's important to you.

The sooner you tell her,

the sooner you can
get past whatever it is

and get your friendship back on track.

OK, second smelt.

Listen, I'm not gonna lie to you guys.

This one is tough.

Rubes, that you?

Yeah, it's me.

Sorry I didn't call you back.
I was, uh, slammed at work.

Fuck.

We got back together!

No, I...

Zack took all his gaming stuff.

He called this morning.

I told him I hooked up with the cellist,

which really seemed to upset him.

He told me he hooked up with someone,

and it led to a whole big discussion,

like an actual adult discussion

about what we want and what we need.

It was different and nice.

And then...

sawfish!

I'm naming him Terrence.

OK, wow!

Zack's just bringing his stuff back over

from his friend Felix's place.

Who do you think he hooked up with?

Did you see him talking to anyone?

I think it...

was the bartender.

I had a feeling.

Anyway, that's not what
I needed to tell you.

Where have you been?

Oh, I, uh...

I was gonna take a bus back,

but I just fell asleep in the woods.

Disgusting. I cannot believe you left

before the speeches last night.

It was crazy.

Yeah, so as many of you

who are close to me know,

I'm dying, so I got married.

Check everything off the bucket list.

No.

Not Robert!

Yes. Lymphoma.

And that's not even the best part.

Look what I figured out.

We found out about the
deaths in this order,

but David actually died first,

so they really died in this order.

And I'm gonna redo all
this. It's gonna look good.

But just so you can see,

they died in the order
you slept with them.

No.

No, this...

that can't be true.

I hate to say, but it is.

Michael!

You forgot Michael.

I slept with Michael in
between Jeffrey and Stu.

He just liked an Instagram post

of a James Baldwin poem I paraphrased.

Michael's fine.

That's six.

My vagina is killing people.

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I think that's a good idea.