Original subtitles

So, long story short, that's why I bring my own salt.

Fascinating.

Uh, excuse me!

I specifically asked for no mayonnaise.

That's our signature house aioli.

Mayo is aioli!

Mayo is the devil's condiment! Ugh!

Bingo. Miss?

I couldn't help but notice you hating on mayo.

Paul here --

Travis!

Whatever.

He also hates mayo,

so maybe you two can, you know, talk?

All white sauces are a no for me.

Mayo, ranch.

Urp! The sound of the word "ranch" makes me want to vomit.

Kiss me, you dreamboat!

And then they made out over dry sandos. Ugh!

If it makes you feel any better,

I totally crashed and burned on my last date.

Literally. We went go-kart racing.

I T-boned her car and singed off my leg hair.

You have a way better chance of meeting someone new than I do.

Oh, can you imagine if you met someone first?

And moved on?

Aah!

Whoops. Sorry about that.

Wouldn't want to accidentally

rekindle our relationship, right?

Yeah. Right. Like that could ever happen.

Bridgette! We wanted you to be the first to know.

Both: We're engaged!

I hope you don't mind, but we told all our single friends

that you were the one who set us up!

- Bridgette! - I'm desperate!

Me next!

Okaaaaay.

You want me to be a matchmaker?

Everyone I go out with is a total freak!

Exactly. And all those freaks want to meet their soul mates.

Alright. Who's ready to get monogamied?!

♪ Can't explain all the feelings that you're making me feel ♪

♪ My heart's in overdrive ♪

♪ And you're behind the steering wheel ♪

♪ Touching you ♪

♪ Touching me ♪

♪ Touching you, God, you're touching me ♪

♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪

♪ Just listen to the rhythm of my heart ♪

♪ There's a chance... ♪

Great. Now everyone in town has a date but me.

Alex: Uh, not everybody.

What'd you lose in the couch this time, goofus?

My favorite...

It's about a Viking

murder horse that...

Bridgette here. Hottest matchmaker in town.

I'm Hannah.

I teach at a small liberal-arts college,

and I'm looking for a guy who gets my passion for Viking lore.

Ohh. You like Vikings?

Uh, duh-doy!

And I'd love a guy in tweed... who wears glasses...

Ha!

...and has unkempt facial hair that kind of smells

like if hummus fermented in a beard for six years.

If he did exist, which he doesn't,

you'd hit it off, right?

Ohh, yeah! Alex: It's gone!

I'm sorry, but I don't know anyone that --

And now I'll never be able to find another copy

of "Need for Steed 3..."

Both: "Tales of a Norse Horse."

Is that the Bronze Anniversary Special Edition?!

And the 14-hour director's cut!

♪ I believe in a thing called love ♪

♪ Just listen to the rhythm of my heart ♪

♪ There's a chance we could make it now, we'll be rocking... ♪

Well, thanks!

He'll get this back to you after he's done.

Do you wanna maybe watch this in my room?

Please tell me you live in a cramped space

with no ventilation.

I call it "a closet."

Ooh!

Hey! What are you --

Bridgette, you truly are the best!

Arghhh!

Good morning, Bridgette!

Heyyy. You, uh, slept over?

Yeah! We were up so late

geeking out over ancient Norse runes.

Ohhh. So you only crashed here 'cause you were tired.

Yeah.

And we had sex.

All yours!

Greaaaaat.

Uh-oh!

Bridgette doing chores. What's wrong?

Have you met Alex's new friend?!

No, but are you maybe, uh, jealous?

Me?! Jealous?!

Eh, don't mind us. Just two lovebirds looking for a snack.

Chirp, chirp.

I need to get out of here!

So, uh, I'm looking for someone tough like me.

Casual horseback falconry? What --

HanbergerLoveJourney?

Ugh! He never made up a hashtag for me!

is this a bad time?

No, no. Not at all. Here.

Oh. Okay.

Unh! Guh!

What does he --

I knew they wouldn't work out!

Unh! Ow! We should, uh, establish a safe word.

Ooh, you're back!

Mm-hmm. What'd you want to talk about?

Uh, look.

I know things have been weird.

Weird? What? How?

You know, me being with Hannah

and us still sharing a very thin wall.

Ohhh! That! No, that's fine. That's fine. I'm fine.

no, I've just been super busy having similar sex

with tons of dudes.

That's great!

I just wanted to make sure you were cool

with me and Hannah before things get,

you know, serious.

Of course! Live your life!

Thanks, Bridge.

I'm glad you're here to see this.

Hit it!

Aah! Oh, my gosh!

Hannah, my sweet, tender Viking lover...

...will you marry me?

Of course I will!

Hanberger forever!

Uh-huh!

- Yay, Alex! - Alex and the new girl!

Congrats.

Alex is on a budget, so you get to be flower girl

and cocktail waitress!

On it, Dad!

Yeah, a former tenant left this in his unit.

Actually, he kinda died in his unit.

What the hell are you doing?!

Hey! I was using that.

You need to tell Alex that you still have feelings for him.

Pssh! Even if I did, which I don't,

this "marriage" won't last!

Once they run out of Viking shows to watch together,

they'll fall apart.

I give it a week, tops.

Nordic mead or hanberger spritz?

Ah. Auntie Bridgette's cut off.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

to join Alex and Hannah in marriage,

a contract not to be entered into lightly.

No mulligans, take-backs, or JK LOLs.

Hannah, do you take Alex to be your --

Wait! This isn't right!

Oh, no!

Told ya so.

Alex, I haven't been honest with you.

I don't teach at a small liberal-arts college.

Occidental is more mid-sized.

No, I -- Ohh. This is so embarrassing.

I just have to show you.

I am Hnoss.

The Norse goddess of lust and desire.

Whoa!

Come!

We will wed in Valhalla

and induct you as a god by my side.

This one's on the house.

Ohh!

This is...very hot!

Oh, ho, ho, ho, holy shit!

He's leaving?! For real?! For...ever?

Bridgette: Alex, wait!

What in Odin's name?

Bridgette? What's wrong?

I still have feelings for you, okay?!

I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier.

I-I didn't even realize it myself.

But I had to say something before I lost you

to becoming a god or whatever.

Hannah, I am so sorry about all of this.

But I can't marry you.

What?

Not when I still have unresolved feelings

for someone else.

You're dumping me? I am a literal deity.

I don't need to settle for a guy

who can't even commit to eternity.

Hnoss out!

Damn! That would've rocked.

But not as much as this.

So, may I formally ask you out on a second first date?

I would love that.

But let's take things slow this time.

I don't want to rush and mess it up like I usually do.

Well, except for the sex.

That can happen whenever, wherever.

Deal. Ugh!

Hnoss: I can't believe I let your gross beard

scratch my face!

Oh, right. Goddess ex.

You blocked her on Insta, right?

We've been broken up for like two minutes!

Already with the excuses.