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1
00:00:00,959 --> 00:00:02,877
Alex: What the hell?
2
00:00:02,961 --> 00:00:04,379
Who put this here?
3
00:00:04,379 --> 00:00:07,215
Oh, yeah. I realized I'm not
a big spin-class person.
4
00:00:07,215 --> 00:00:09,050
Can you take that
out to the curb for me?
5
00:00:09,050 --> 00:00:11,761
Uh, no.
What if I was super busy?
6
00:00:11,761 --> 00:00:14,847
I could be going to give an
important lecture, Bridgette --
7
00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:17,350
or, more likely, a hot date.
8
00:00:17,350 --> 00:00:19,269
I don't think
that's true.
9
00:00:25,441 --> 00:00:28,403
Hey, there,
you absolute king!
10
00:00:28,403 --> 00:00:29,571
What?
11
00:00:29,571 --> 00:00:31,864
Need a little
confidence boost?
12
00:00:31,948 --> 00:00:37,203
Okay, now this
is interesting.
13
00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:40,123
You're gorgeous!
You're potent!
14
00:00:40,123 --> 00:00:45,628
Now smash those pedals,
and get ready to kill that hill!
15
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:48,798
I...can...do...anything!
16
00:00:51,175 --> 00:00:52,885
Crushed it.
17
00:01:06,608 --> 00:01:09,027
Trainer: Find your power,
and pump!
18
00:01:09,027 --> 00:01:10,320
Pump!
19
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,322
You're not finished
until I say you are!
20
00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:16,034
What kind of freak rides a bike
in a jacket?
21
00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,787
Oh, God, yes!
22
00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:21,998
Yes, Ranessa!
23
00:01:21,998 --> 00:01:24,751
Um, should I be
listening to this?
24
00:01:24,751 --> 00:01:27,128
Probably best
to play it safe.
25
00:01:27,128 --> 00:01:30,965
And that's time,
gods and goddesses.
26
00:01:31,049 --> 00:01:32,759
And congrats
to Alex Dorpenberger
27
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,803
for topping the leaderboard
again today.
28
00:01:35,887 --> 00:01:37,305
Got my eye on you, Alex.
29
00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:41,976
Morning,
kings and queens.
30
00:01:42,060 --> 00:01:44,437
Hope you're living
your power today.
31
00:01:44,437 --> 00:01:46,147
Hey, man.
Want some pancakes?
32
00:01:46,147 --> 00:01:50,443
Oh, no thanks.
I don't consume poison, Josh.
33
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:55,657
Do you think you're maybe
going a little overboard
34
00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,283
with this whole
HotBike thing?
35
00:01:57,367 --> 00:02:00,203
I mean, what's next,
a HotBike tattoo?
36
00:02:00,203 --> 00:02:04,248
Why would I get
another HotBike tattoo?
37
00:02:05,375 --> 00:02:06,959
Okay, can we not
do the thing
38
00:02:07,043 --> 00:02:08,711
where I get
really into something,
39
00:02:08,795 --> 00:02:12,548
and then you all get worried
I'm "going crazy," or whatever?
40
00:02:12,632 --> 00:02:16,010
I'm not doing all this because
I'm obsessed with HotBike.
41
00:02:16,094 --> 00:02:19,722
I'm doing it because I'm in love
with my instructor.
42
00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,265
Sure.
Okay.
43
00:02:21,349 --> 00:02:22,475
Is that better?
44
00:02:22,475 --> 00:02:23,893
Now, if you'll excuse me,
45
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:25,269
I've got my first private sesh
with Ranessa,
46
00:02:25,353 --> 00:02:27,939
and I need to shave
my arm hair.
47
00:02:27,939 --> 00:02:29,357
Ranessa:
That's right, Alex!
48
00:02:29,357 --> 00:02:30,608
Do it!
Do it!
49
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:31,776
I'm doing it!
50
00:02:31,776 --> 00:02:33,486
Keep going!
I'm so close!
51
00:02:33,486 --> 00:02:37,281
Me, too! I --
Wait, what are we talking about?
52
00:02:37,365 --> 00:02:39,033
And done.
53
00:02:39,117 --> 00:02:42,704
Let it coast,
you freakin' rock star.
54
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:43,955
Wow.
55
00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:45,498
That was incredible.
56
00:02:45,498 --> 00:02:47,083
You're incredible.
57
00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:49,877
Top of every class
for the past two weeks,
58
00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:52,880
glistening aerodynamic forearms.
59
00:02:52,964 --> 00:02:54,257
Oh, these old things?
60
00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:57,135
Guess I'm just
naturally hairless.
61
00:02:57,135 --> 00:03:00,346
Alex, I think have what it takes
to become an instructor.
62
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:01,472
Oh, wow!
63
00:03:01,556 --> 00:03:03,224
Does that mean
I get to meet you --
64
00:03:03,224 --> 00:03:06,686
um, which'll be, like,
cool I guess.
65
00:03:06,686 --> 00:03:09,021
Well, you can stop by
HotBike HQ,
66
00:03:09,105 --> 00:03:11,441
and we can see
how it goes.
67
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:13,735
Wink.
68
00:03:13,735 --> 00:03:16,988
Yes, Alex,
you absolute stud!
69
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:18,990
Alex, you only turned off
the camera.
70
00:03:18,990 --> 00:03:20,491
Uh...
71
00:03:25,788 --> 00:03:27,749
Computerized Voice:
Welcome to HotBike.
72
00:03:27,749 --> 00:03:29,667
We do not validate parking.
73
00:03:36,841 --> 00:03:38,176
Alex?
74
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:44,056
What the...?
75
00:03:44,140 --> 00:03:46,517
Guys, I think you're gonna
want to see this.
76
00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:52,440
Oh. Hey, guys.
77
00:03:52,440 --> 00:03:54,859
You're on TV!
So sweet.
78
00:03:54,859 --> 00:03:56,736
No, Josh.
He looks horrible.
79
00:03:56,736 --> 00:04:00,364
No way.
I'm living that HotBike life.
80
00:04:00,448 --> 00:04:02,325
That's it.
We're coming to get you.
81
00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:04,535
No. I'm fine.
82
00:04:04,619 --> 00:04:08,247
I've almost earned a meeting
with Ranessa.
83
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:11,125
Plus, you'd never
get past the guards.
84
00:04:11,209 --> 00:04:14,462
Um, Why does HotBike
have guards?
85
00:04:14,462 --> 00:04:18,716
Sorry -- can't talk --
gotta...teach.
86
00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:22,345
Okay, I'm starting
to think
87
00:04:22,345 --> 00:04:25,056
something at HotBike
is a little off.
88
00:04:27,016 --> 00:04:28,392
Woman:
Watch your backs, now.
89
00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:30,812
I'll be right here, with my eyes
on the perimeter.
90
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:41,155
Okay, you're a bike company. Relax.
91
00:04:45,785 --> 00:04:49,539
Computerized Voice:
Keep pedaling,
gods and goddesses.
92
00:04:49,539 --> 00:04:51,290
Pain is progress.
93
00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:53,668
Progress is pain.
94
00:04:53,668 --> 00:04:56,629
You are crushing it.
95
00:04:56,629 --> 00:04:58,005
Oh, man.
96
00:04:58,089 --> 00:05:01,467
He looks like he skipped
everything but leg day.
97
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:02,718
Huh?
98
00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,053
What the hell are you guys
doing here?
99
00:05:04,053 --> 00:05:05,513
We're here to rescue you
from this cult.
100
00:05:05,513 --> 00:05:09,267
HotBike is not a cult.
It's a way of life.
101
00:05:09,267 --> 00:05:12,186
You're literally
just reading that sign.
102
00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:15,982
No, I'm not.
I think my own thoughts, Josh.
103
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:17,859
Look, I love it here.
104
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,485
I'm a friggin 10 now,
105
00:05:19,569 --> 00:05:21,529
and I'm only one level away
from meeting
106
00:05:21,529 --> 00:05:25,157
the woman of my --
- Grab him!
107
00:05:25,241 --> 00:05:27,243
Pop the clips!
Pop the clips!
108
00:05:27,243 --> 00:05:28,953
Computerized Voice:
109
00:05:28,953 --> 00:05:30,204
Intruder.
110
00:05:30,288 --> 00:05:33,416
Intruder.
111
00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:36,669
Queen Ranessa is most pleased
with your bravery, Alex.
112
00:05:36,669 --> 00:05:38,045
She will see you now.
113
00:05:38,129 --> 00:05:39,547
You mean...
114
00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:42,049
I finally
get to meet her?
115
00:05:42,133 --> 00:05:43,467
Oh!
116
00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:46,012
Oh, no, I haven't brushed
my teeth in over a month.
117
00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:50,349
Hello, Alex.
118
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:52,351
We meet at last.
119
00:05:52,435 --> 00:05:53,728
Ranessa!
120
00:05:53,728 --> 00:05:56,898
You don't know how long
I've waited for this --
121
00:05:56,898 --> 00:05:59,400
oh, whoa, what the...?
122
00:05:59,400 --> 00:06:03,195
I'm so excited to finally share
my true form with you, Alex.
123
00:06:03,279 --> 00:06:05,865
You friggin crushed
capturing your friends.
124
00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,575
Total king shit.
125
00:06:07,575 --> 00:06:10,077
You know, I'll admit
the whole tentacle reveal
126
00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:11,787
was kinda shocking,
127
00:06:11,871 --> 00:06:16,375
but, in anime terms,
this is pretty hot.
128
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,127
Alex's human friends.
129
00:06:18,127 --> 00:06:19,837
Maximum props today, guys.
130
00:06:19,921 --> 00:06:21,631
Seriously,
top tier effort.
131
00:06:21,631 --> 00:06:23,758
But Alex is gonna be
staying with us
132
00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:25,259
until our starship
returns home.
133
00:06:25,343 --> 00:06:28,304
Okay, tentacles and
a starship?
134
00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:30,056
Pick a lane.
135
00:06:34,477 --> 00:06:37,980
Centuries ago, my species
crash-landed on the barren,
136
00:06:38,064 --> 00:06:41,651
lifeless planes
you call "Pacoima."
137
00:06:41,651 --> 00:06:43,694
And without fuel
to propel our ship,
138
00:06:43,778 --> 00:06:45,446
we were totally stranded.
139
00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:49,825
Life was decidedly
not awesomesauce.
140
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:54,205
Until we discovered humanity.
141
00:06:54,205 --> 00:06:55,623
One thing was obvious --
142
00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:58,459
if we wanted off this rock,
we needed to harness
143
00:06:58,459 --> 00:07:02,213
the untapped power
of the human glute.
144
00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:06,342
Our first attempts to woo
humankind were fruitless.
145
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,553
But that was
easily remedied.
146
00:07:17,728 --> 00:07:19,313
Cut to the invention
of the Internet,
147
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:21,899
some other stuff,
yada yada yada, you got it.
148
00:07:21,983 --> 00:07:24,819
Hold on, you glossed over
a bunch of stuff right there.
149
00:07:24,819 --> 00:07:26,153
The details
are not important.
150
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:27,822
Well, then,
why do you need Alex?
151
00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:31,534
Oh, well, Alex is one
of our top meat engine--
152
00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,160
I mean bike hunks.
153
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:37,206
I've selected Alex to be my --
what do you humans call it --
154
00:07:37,206 --> 00:07:39,125
oh, yeah,
"sex friend."
155
00:07:39,125 --> 00:07:42,586
Holy shit!
Oh, hell yeah, baby!
156
00:07:42,670 --> 00:07:44,964
We are go...
157
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:48,634
You know, that is to say,
I'm deeply honored.
158
00:07:48,718 --> 00:07:50,845
Alex!
She's a friggin octopus!
159
00:07:50,845 --> 00:07:53,431
Wow. Intolerant much?
160
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,975
Guards, turn these twig legs
into protein gel.
161
00:07:55,975 --> 00:07:58,686
Whoa, whoa. Ranessa,
they're my best friends.
162
00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:03,315
Maybe, instead of killing them,
we can just call them an Uber?
163
00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:07,278
Not unless they've got Ubers
in space.
164
00:08:11,157 --> 00:08:13,117
Eyes on the perimeter.
165
00:08:18,164 --> 00:08:22,001
Ok, now I really think
something is off about HotBike.
166
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:28,299
Alex, come on!
Let's get out of here!
167
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:29,759
What? Why?
168
00:08:29,759 --> 00:08:32,136
So I can go back to living
the rest of my life
169
00:08:32,136 --> 00:08:34,221
single and miserable?
170
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:36,557
Ranessa may be
a tentacle monster, Josh,
171
00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:38,934
but she's my
tentacle monster.
172
00:08:39,018 --> 00:08:40,227
Come on, Alex.
173
00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:41,937
There are plenty of amazing
human women
174
00:08:42,021 --> 00:08:44,065
who would be lucky
to have you.
175
00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:45,232
You really mean that?
176
00:08:45,316 --> 00:08:48,152
I -- I really do.
177
00:08:48,152 --> 00:08:50,029
Alex, don't forget
about the fact
178
00:08:50,029 --> 00:08:53,866
that you and I
are totally going to mate.
179
00:08:53,866 --> 00:08:55,826
Do go on.
180
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:01,582
My egg has been gestating
for centuries.
181
00:09:01,582 --> 00:09:07,088
I cannot wait to shove it
up into your spinal column.
182
00:09:07,088 --> 00:09:09,090
Then, I'll watch
as my hatchlings
183
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,926
devour you
from the inside out --
184
00:09:11,926 --> 00:09:14,386
you know,
classic sex.
185
00:09:15,596 --> 00:09:17,723
See, usually,
sex for humans
186
00:09:17,807 --> 00:09:21,060
doesn't involve
one of the parties dying.
187
00:09:21,060 --> 00:09:22,812
Oh, really? Weird.
188
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:25,397
Well, in that case,
I'm sure I can find a way
189
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:27,608
to keep you alive.
190
00:09:29,568 --> 00:09:34,573
Look, I'm sorry guys,
but this is where I belong.
191
00:09:43,749 --> 00:09:44,708
Psych!
192
00:09:44,792 --> 00:09:46,502
I can handle
being devoured.
193
00:09:46,502 --> 00:09:48,212
I'm into weird shit.
194
00:09:48,212 --> 00:09:49,755
But killing my friends?
195
00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,758
That's gonna be a "no"
from me, dawg!
196
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:06,814
Sick legs, bro.
197
00:10:06,814 --> 00:10:08,524
Follow me
if you want to live.
198
00:10:11,152 --> 00:10:12,319
Hey! This is a cult,
199
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:15,197
and we're all just fuel
for an alien spaceship!
200
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:16,490
Oh, God! I knew it!
201
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:44,310
Okay, I am most definitely
not in the zone right now.
202
00:10:48,314 --> 00:10:49,398
Wow.
203
00:10:49,398 --> 00:10:51,150
Thanks for everything
back there, guys.
204
00:10:51,150 --> 00:10:53,569
That's the last alien space cult
I ever join.
205
00:10:57,740 --> 00:10:59,533
I think we're about to land
in Australia.
14542
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