Original subtitles

Okay, here we go. Time to meet the public.

Hey, guys?

Can I, um, read you some of my new novel?

Of course!

I love to give notes.

I'm not doing anything.

Awesome. Okay.

Eons ago --

What the [bleep]?! This sucks!

It makes me want to kill myself.

You made me hate reading more than I already do!

Wait, what? Is it really that bad?

Let's kick him in the nuts!

All: Bad writer! Bad writer! Bad writer!

I deserve this.

Go ahead. We wanna hear it.

Uh, I don't know.

You know what? It's not ready yet!

Oh!

I got a papercut on my dong!

Hey, Alex. How's the writing going?

Terrible.

I bet a lot of successful authors have felt this way.

You should ask one for advice.

Maybe email Dr. Seuss?

Oh, buddy, he's 100 percent dead.

No! Why didn't anybody tell me?

Oh, I went to Skylight Books to take a selfie

in the poetry section, and they're doing a signing

by that guy who writes that horny space stuff you love!

Jack Kleghorn? Author of Lust of the Star Wizards 1-4:

The Unfinished Pentology?

Yeah, that sounds the right amount of gross.

He's my favorite writer!

If he's your Seuss, go talk to him.

Before it's too late.

I say! Looks like we've got ourselves a bit of a Kleghead.

Oh, you have no idea, Mr. Kleghorn.

Please, call me "Sir Jack."

Thank you so much, Mr. Kleg-- um, I'm sorry, Sir Jack.

I'm actually a bit of a writer, too.

Really?

I mostly write erotic sci-fi epics

about cyborg Vikings fighting evil space gods.

Do you now?

I actually just finished a novel, but --

Finished the novel, you say?

Yeah, but I'm too scared to let anyone read it.

Did you ever feel like this?

You mean the existential fear that someone may read your work

and discover you to be a fraud?

Yes!

No.

Oh.

But!

It sounds like all you need is a dram of confidence.

Why don't you send me your novel,

then stop by my chateau to chat about it?

You want...

to read...

Alex, my boy!

Welcome to my humble - 18th- - Century mansion

I had flown in piece by piece from Windsor!

I'm quite wealthy, you see.

From writing.

Can I get you anything?

Spot of tea? Antique sword?

Rembrandt?

Wow! Are those real?

Oh, yes.

I like to keep a couple of mummies around

to lift my spirits.

Who's still alive now, Amenhotep?!

And what is this?

Oh, that ancient meteor?

It's actually quite helpful with my process.

Now let's stop pissing about and get into it.

I read your novel, and I loved it

like a badger loves brambleberries.

You... Jack Kleghorn...

Sir Jack.

Sir Jack Kleghorn.

Loved my novel.

When Psybjorn seduces Lord Universo

to discover his weakness?

I practically -- what's the American phrase?

"Busted a nut?"

Ah! This is...

Oh! I just...

Don't get too excited, old sport.

You have work to do if you want to be the next

Sir Jack Kleghorn.

Yes, yes! I'll do whatever I have to do!

Then get to writing!

Wait, right now?

Type, boy, type!

Do you think James Patterson has confidence issues?

He's finished a book since I started this sentence.

♪ Please Mr. Kleghorn ♪

♪ Read my book, it's erotic fiction ♪

♪ With a Viking hook ♪

♪ I would give my right arm to write like you ♪

♪ I crave success as a serial fiction author ♪

♪ Serial fiction author ♪

Alex, it seems like Jack is working you to the bone.

Sir Jack is working me to the bone?

And I'm fine.

My favorite author thinks I've got potential.

And I finally feel confident.

Why does he make you do a ton of exercise?

Strong body strong mind, no-doy.

You wouldn't get it.

We think you should at least get some sleep.

Jack says sleep is for wankers, and wanking is for losers,

so I don't do either anymore.

Alex, you're being insane.

Ohhh, I see.

You're all jealous.

I'm going back to Sir Jack's, and if you don't like it,

you can kiss my...

...novel-writing ass!

You close the door, Josh.

Sir Jack?

His name is Alex Dorpenberger.

He's brilliant!

A once-in-a-generation talent!

Yes, you've got to meet him right away.

I'm sorry, I couldn't help overhearing.

Was that...? My agent, dear boy!

I was just calling to let him know that I'm the next you.

That's incred--

Wait, don't you mean I'm the next you?

Absolutely not!

Huh?

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!

I hope I didn't bash your bally brains in.

What the hell is going on?!

We're going to do a little freaky Friday!

What? We're swapping bodies, dear boy!

Okay, got it. You're crazy.

Crazy about eternal life!

How would you like to hear a yarn?

Do I have a choice?

Once upon a time, 44,000 years ago give or take,

I was but a humble caveman.

Twas the early days of art,

but I saw how rewarding it could be.

I saw an opportunity to "cash in."

I was history's first plagiarist,

and that didn't bust anyone's nuts.

But then a miracle!

This space meteor had caused us to switch bodies!

I'd escaped death, and as a bonus,

I was able to rip off the other guy without consequence!

My life, as the modern teens say, "slapped."

And with the meteor in my possession, it never had to end.

Whenever my body grew old,

I'd find an undiscovered young artist,

make them churn out fresh content,

take over their body, and murder the poor twit.

So, wait a minute, you're just some kind of crappy thief?

I am an exceptional thief, Mr. Dorpenberger!

Time for you to shut what is soon to be my mouth.

Oh, no! I'm old as shit!

Well, everything seems to be tickety-boo!

Let's get to killing you, shall we?

Oh, bollocks.

I always forget to untie myself before swapping.

Guys! You have to help me!

I'm actually Alex!

Sir Jack used a magic meteor to swap bodies with me!

Okay, at first I thought you were

just really good at impressions,

and I was like "Hello?! SNL?"

But the meteor thing makes more sense.

Look, you guys were right when you said

Sir Jack was mistreating me, but you've got to help me!

Alex?

Not for long!

Now, hand over the manuscripts and meteor

and I shan't decapitate you.

You're way hotter with that voice.

Hey!

My precious!

Josh: Whoa. Everyone's friggin huge.

Candice: Hell yeah, I'm old enough to cuss!

Bridgette: I'm literally inside my ex.

My therapist is gonna love this.

Emily: Wait. So who's in Bridgette?

That's Sir Bridgette.

Josh, you need to do some curls.

Ow! I did not think that through.

No, you really didn't.

Anyhoo, enjoy hell!

Stop!

Let her go, or I'll torch the manuscripts!

What sort of imbecile would destroy his life's work?

An imbecile who loves his friends!

No! My livelihood!

Catch!

Well, that's no good.

Can someone please cover my eyes?

Well, that took a ton of math,

but I think everyone

is who they're supposed to be at this point.

I'm sorry your idol turned out to be

an ancient body-stealing fraud.

Eh. Could happen to anyone.

Guess I should cancel my meeting with Jack's agent, though.

You must have something you can show him.

Nope. This was everything.

Unless...

And then right at the last second,

they switch bodies again, and Jack dies.

The end.

Yeahhh, it's gonna be a pass.

That's fair.