Original subtitles

Josh: This place rules.

Like they shoved a mountain in a Home Depot.

Oh yeah, bro. I can't wait to grab some wall.

What do you say, Pearle? Wanna give it a shot?

Hell no!

I didn't survive 30 years on the force

to die climbing a plastic rock.

I'm gonna sit right here

and watch people dangle from they crotches.

Now remember, we gotta make the most of this free trial.

We're gonna climb every wall in the joint and then

never...come...back.

Hey, there, team!

I'm Ty.

Just wanted to give you a big fat welcome

before you grab some wall.

I-I-I like...to climb.

Me too, brother. Good luck up there!

I'll be rootin' ya on from up top.

Hoo! Whoo!

O-Okay.

Time to show him I am not just a pretty face.

Ugh!

Uh, Randy, doesn't that seem

a little dangerous for a beginner?

How else am I gonna charm a guy in a climbing gym, Emily?

God, listen to yourself.

Hey, Ty!

Huh? Check this out!

Whoops! How did that get untied?

Safety first, guys.

Aaaah! Oh!

Whaa! Aaaaaah!

Hoo!

Huh? Hold the phone!

Did you just free solo - the Verte- - Braeker?

Um. Yeah!

I'm kind of an expert, uh, climbist?

I'm the only other person in the gym who's ever done that!

I-I guess that means we have to...

go on a date. Heh!

You just free soloed the hardest section of the gym

just to ask me out?

Uh, pretty much.

I love it! It's a date.

Here's my number. Ooh.

Randy, you freakin' hunk, you still got it.

Aah!

And like I said, this guy's got a knife, and I'm cornered.

So I just start doing a bunch of karate kicks.

Hyah! Hyah!

Scared him so bad he dropped the knife

and ran straight into a bush.

Oh, my God. Hero!

Also I had no idea possums could hold knives.

Uh, yeah, they can hold pretty much anything.

Being a building manager sounds terrifying.

And I attempted Akira!

Shyeah! Tetsuoooo!

No, Akira -- the climbing route.

In France. Oh. That Akira.

Yeah, uh, I did that one.

You finished Akira?

It's one of the hardest climbs in the world!

I...knew that?

Whoa, baby! Let's eat!

Oh, um, we didn't order this.

I did!

Grab a spoon!

If we finish in under 30 minutes it's free.

Aah! What are we even doing?!

I haven't had lactose in six years.

YOLO!

Ohhh, yeah.

Love the feeling of a giant, free

frozen brick in your stomach.

Normally I'd say doing an eating challenge

on a first date was a little unhinged,

but you're just so genuine.

Ah, it's all part of my ethos.

Gotta live that chillsplosion life.

Chillsplosion?

Yeah. You take things easy, relaxed,

then do something crazy, then go back to chillin'.

You are absolute chaos!

Um, what are you doing?

Chillsploding! Climb on up!

You're a climber, right?

Oh, uh, I don't know. Like I always say,

"Never climb anything with a tum full of cream."

Nah, you got this.

Here, take my hand.

Oh!

Mm. Ah!

Ah! I did it!

Um, just like I always do!

Oh, wow. Look at that.

If you think this is good, you should see the view

from on top of the Eagle Rock.

What are you doing next Saturday?

Uh, that's usually crochet day with my mom,

but Lord knows she's canceled on me enough.

Well, then, you and I are gonna free solo

Eagle Rock and look out at the perfect sunset.

You're gonna love it.

Um, could you call the fire department?

Randy: He's just incredible.

Game for anything, positive.

A frickin' hunk?

So shallow, Emily.

I'm not in it for the looks,

but, yes, he is a slab of chiseled beef,

in the spirit and in the body.

Sounds like things are off to a great start.

It's the first time in forever

I've felt an actual connection with someone.

I don't want to screw it up,

which is why I can never tell him

I'm not an expert rock climber.

Randy, you have to come clean!

Lies are the number-two thing that ruin a relationship!

What's number one?

The 405.

Look, it's not a big deal.

I mean, Bridgette and Alex lie to each other all the time

and they're still married.

No, we aren't! Oh, no!

You two were so good together.

That's why you need to tell Ty the truth.

Stop trying to trap me!

It's not like I'm gonna have to keep lying.

We're just gonna free solo a little mountain together,

and then I'm sure we'll never do it again.

Ugh, okay, fine!

I'll stop lying...

by getting so good at climbing

that everything I said isn't a lie anymore.

Happy now?!

Margo: So you must be Randy.

What inspired you to get into climbing?

Oh, I told a guy I'm dating I'm an expert climber,

and I don't want him to know I lied.

That's like 90% of our business, girl.

We'll get you whipped into shape in no time.

Ugh!

Aaaah!

Aaah! Ooh.

Aah!

Wha-at! Aaah!

Whoa! Ow.

Honestly, Miss Randy,

you're the worst climber I've ever seen.

I'm surprised you can get into bed.

Look, if you value your life, you shouldn't go anywhere

near a steep curb, much less a cliff face.

But I have to impress this guy or he'll never be my boyfriend!

Then tell him the truth.

Now, sashay away.

Uh, what?

Get the hell outta here!

Psst. Hey. Buddy.

Couldn't help but overhear you're havin' a little trouble

in the mountaineering department.

Maybe I can interest you in some, uh, safety measures?

What is this?

Inflatable crash pad.

You fall, simply press the red button, and poof.

Surrounds you in a protective shell.

Guaranteed not to kill you, or your money back.

Money back. And this really works?

You tell me.

If it's printed on the box, it's got to be true.

I'll take it! Thanks, shadowy figure!

Psst. Hey.

You need an immersion blender?

Randy, please don't do this.

Yeah, can't you just tell Ty that you're sick or something?

Oh, so now it's okay to lie?

Wow, Bridgette. You sound like Emily.

Randy, I know I always told you to follow your heart,

but now I realize that was stupid.

Get your ass inside before you die.

Mom, come on, it's fine! I've got it taken care of!

Hey, Randy!

Ready to climb the sheerest cliff face in Los Angeles?

You bet I am! Huh!

Mwah!

Goodbye, Randy's beautiful friends and family!

And not for the last time, either!

Yeah!

Whoo!

♪ Duh-duh-duh duh-nuh duh ♪

Uh, whaaaaaaaa...

Prepare for the most romantic evening

of your entire life.

Uh, you know me -- always prepared.

Then let's go!

Chillsplosion!

Okay. No big deal.

Lust got you to the top of the first thing you climbed.

It can do it again.

Sorry if this one's a little easy for you.

Uh, whoo!

Don't worry about it.

Feels good to really dominate an -- oh, shit!

Aaaaaah!

Go, go!

Stupid cheap last resort!

Aaaaaah!

Aaah! Oh!

Randy!

Aaaaah!

Ah! Ugh!

Oh, God, I should've listened to my mom!

Randy, please tell me you're alive.

Ty and I -- ahh! Gah!

Aaaaaah!

What?

Ty! Since we're doomed, I have to say...

I have no idea how to climb!

Yeah, I kinda noticed that.

I didn't want to lie to you.

I even went to another climbing gym to try to learn.

Randy, you didn't need to prove anything to me as a climber.

I was attracted to your weirdo confidence.

Plus, I rarely date other climbers.

They're too clingy.

Okay, see, that --

that's just funny.

Aaah!

Just let me go, Ty!

Save yourself!

Love another!

No! We're gonna get through this.

Hold on, baby. Mama's comin'!

Your mom owns a helicopter?

It's just a loaner.

Aw, yeah, Ma! Whoo-hoo!

Randy, don't...!

Whoo! Whoo!

Oh. Whoops.

Aaaaaaah!

Ah! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh, gah, gah!

Ooh. Aaaaah! Oof! Aah!

Ahhh. Wahhh!

I'm okay.

Randy: Ty, I'm so sorry.

Can we start over?

Randy, I'd love to. You're a great guy.

Unfortunately, you went to another climbing gym,

and that's just more than I can emotionally handle right now.

Heh, heh, left, right, left.

I hate to see him go,

but I love to watch him leave.