Original subtitles

Go Candice! You got it!

Crush it, Candice!

Putt it up! Hup!

Yah!

Whoo-hoo! Hell yeah!

Blasted that bad boy!

Uh, nice work, Candice.

But now watch how a master putter does it.

Josh, hold my chili.

Okay, let's see it, Jack Nicholson.

You're thinking of Jack Nicklaus.

And he putted a little something...

like this.

Gah-aah!

Wow. Jack Nicklaus sucked.

Aah!

So, was that a cry of pain or a cry for attention?

Ha! No big deal.

Just a little cramp. I-I can walk it off.

Aaaah!

Should we call a doctor?

Don't be silly.

If I just play through it, the pain will go away.

Gah!

Aaaah!

Oh! Gah!

All better.

Oh, man, you look like wet garbage.

Still sick?

No. I'm the king of feeling great.

Aaah!

Oh, my God!

Man, I don't like this.

You seem pretty sick.

Oh, yeah?

Could a guy who's "pretty sick"

mail a letter?

Alex! Are you okay?

Nailed it!

You threw up on the way over here.

Yeah, as a joke.

Okay, we're taking you to a doctor.

Doctor?

No! I said no doctors!

Doctors have killed more people in history

than Genghis Khan and Chaka Khan combined.

Alex, would you relax?

I see like 50 doctors a week.

They don't kill people.

Why don't you tell that to my dad?!

Awkwaaard!

Do any of you know what he meant about his dad?

Yeah. His dad passed away when he was young.

It was pretty sudden.

And he's been weird about doctors

as long as I've known him.

Like the time he got a concussion

and said he was gonna "sleep it off."

Or when he broke his finger and just rubbed some lotion on it.

Well, no matter what he thinks about doctors,

we can't let him die from being a total idiot.

Hey, Bud.

How are ya?

All better...

Than Ezra. Ha!

Funnyyy.

Look, we wanted to apologize for pressuring you.

You clearly have this under control.

Thank you.

It takes a strong person to admit when they're wrong.

But we found something to make you feel better.

A back-to-back screening of all eight

Viking Timelord movies at The Vista!

Really? Okay.

I'll go put on my Commander Ragnar cosplay.

No time. We gotta hurry to make the show!

"I...

am not leaving...

without my time axe!"

That's a quote from "Viking Timelord 2: Breaking Bifrost."

No doy.

And technically it can cut through time but not space,

which is like, how did they think of that?

That's sooo cool.

Right?!

I-I think you took a wrong turn, Pearle.

Oh, uh, w-we're taking a different route.

Oh, okay.

Hold on.

How did I not know about this screening?

I have like six different Google alerts

for "Viking Timelord marathon."

Wait a minute.

This is the way to the hospital!

What are you -- No!

Stay! No!

Aah!

Alex!

My stomach feels better already!

Oh!

Oww!

Need...

lotion.

Oh!

Owww!

Huh?

No! Stop!

Turn around!

No can do, brah.

I'm haulin' your ass to Hell!

Oh, God!

What is this place?

The Hellspital, duh.

It's the only place a demon can rip your intestines out

and then reinsert them in a different hole.

Also, we use the American healthcare system here.

Hey there. Got a new patient for ya.

Feel free to rip him a new one.

All right, hon, what should we do first?

I can cut out your tongue, feed you your ears,

take your temperature --

The temperature!

Nurse: Mm-kay!

Say "Aah."

Aaaah! Aah!

Demon: Wait! Hold up a sec!

Dude's got a visitor.

From "upstairs."

Heaven.

Ugh, those losers?

Ta-da! Hi, kiddo.

Oh, my God. Dad?

This is amazing!

I have so many things I want to ask you,

like "What's Saint Peter like?"

And, uh, "Are you proud of me?"

And "Can people in heaven see you when you tug it?"

Kinda rude, very, and thankfully no.

Phew, that's a load off my mind.

Ha! "Load."

Nice.

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Totally. Wow!

I've -- I've really missed you.

Well, I've missed you, too, son.

And I've got something for ya.

Whoa!

Is that Poseidon's time axe?

From "Viking Timelord 6: Surf's Up"?

Heck yeah, it is.

Now let's get you out of here.

I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you rot in Hell because of me.

Because of you? What? This isn't your fault.

Well, the Hell part isn't.

They determine that based on your search history.

That was research for my novel!

But the you-being-dead part?

That's on me.

I'm the reason you're afraid of doctors.

Dad, you were totally healthy.

Then, one day, you went to the hospital for a check-up,

and within a week, you were just -- you were gone.

Son, that's not the whole story.

All right, visiting hours are over.

Huh?

Ooh! Not cool, Heaven dude!

Run!

Son, let's kick some demon ass.

Oh, hell yeah.

Aaaah!

Aaaah!

Ah! Ha!

Nice.

Well, this blows.

In here!

Game over, man.

They're gonna make us fill out insurance forms!

Not. Today.

Oof!

You need to drive the ambulance out of here.

Also, the signs are all lies,

so you follow the ones that say "Not the way out."

What about you? I'll hold them off.

No! Come with me!

Alex, I can't.

And you need to understand about my death.

Dad! Come on!

It wasn't sudden.

I'd been sick for months.

But I didn't do anything about it. I hid it.

All because I was scared of what the doctors might tell me.

But you seemed fine!

You took me to the first Viking Timelord movie, remember?

"Viking Timelord: Ragnar's Wedding."

By the time I finally got to the hospital, it was too late.

It wasn't their fault, son.

Drive.

I've got this.

Daaad!

I love you!

I love you, too, Alex.

You take care of yourself. Go to the doctor.

Heaven powers --

activaaate!

Ha! Classic Dad.

All: Alex!

Thank God! Are you okay?

We were looking all over for you!

Yeah, we never would've found you if it wasn't for Lyla.

G'day.

Lyla's Australian.

Isn't that wild?

We had quite the little adventure tracking you down.

It was like a whole episode!

Look, guys, I'm sorry I didn't listen to you.

I was scared.

Scared of what a doctor might tell me.

But I need to see one.

No matter what they might say.

Crikey.

Doctor: Mr. Dorpenberger, we've found the problem.

We're here for you.

It's gas.

Like... Gas.

You have an absolute tanker load of gas in your belly.

What the hell do you eat?

I'm currently doing a chili cleanse.

Well, that explains it. Anyway, you're fine.

Just eat literally anything else.

Oh, that is great news!

All I have to do is stop eating chili? Oof.

It's gonna be hell on my cleanse,

but I'll give it a whirl.

Ow!