Original subtitles

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1 Kevin and Allison... Together forever!

Oh! Aah!

- So what'd I miss? - I'm gonna kill Kevin.

You know any natural-born killers?

I think I might.

Okay, I can do it.

Is that a gun?

I have to protect us.

- It was Nick. - He wasn't supposed to

- come for another week. - Oh, trust me, I know.

We don't take shootings lightly.

You may not want to go out of town.

I have a higher callin', babe.

I'm running for office!

You're the one who tried to kill her husband. And it was a bust.

And you're the one who helped.

I heard everything.

Neil, it's not what you think.

You're not gonna tell Kevin anything.

Ah. What the hell are you doing?

- You were choking her! - You were choking me!

I was not. I was trying to get my phone back.

You had your hands on my neck!

What the hell were you thinking?

Oh, what? C-Come on.

She's trying to play victim here?

You tried to kill Kevin.

Kevin!

You're insane.

Everyone has to know. Kevin has to know.

He has to.

Oh, shit!

Allison?

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Allison?!

Okay, okay.

- Allison? - Okay.

We have to m-make it look

like none of this ever happened, okay?

Like normal.

Normal?

But this isn't normal. None of this is normal.

I didn't know what to do.

So you kettled my brother? How does this help?

Well, he's unconscious, right?

Which means he's not talking.

He's also not moving. What are we gonna do about this?

Allison, hello?!

I know, I know.

Just please stop yelling, okay?

Okay, I have a plan. I have a plan.

Give me your phone.

- Why? - Give me your phone, okay?

Who are you calling?

Why are you still yelling?

Hi!

Hi, hi, hi, this is Allison.

Fine. Um, listen, I could really use your help

with... something.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.MY-SUBS.com

Hey.

I'm really sorry about all this.

I know.

We'll fix it together, okay?

All of it.

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Oh.

- Hey. - Whoa.

- Thank you. - No, I mean hey,

hey, hey, Diane.

I... You okay?

Fine.

Okay.

Well, thank you for bringing the hand truck.

Oh.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Sure you're okay, D?

Chuck's been cheating on me for 10 years.

With Tanya Iacono from across the street.

Oh, D, that... That is terrible.

I am so sorry.

Am I that much of an idiot?

No, no, no, no.

Sh-She has this curly hair like Felicity.

And she sells Avon.

Has all those fancy creams.

But, D, you... you have great hair, too, you know?

You're... You're too good for him.

You're better off without him,

so just... Just kick him to the curb.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

It's fine, it's fine.

Just... to hell with him.

- Yeah. - Right?

The jerk can't even remember to...

To drink water unless I remind him.

He'll probably drop dead in a week.

Oh, that's the spirit.

Oh, hey, let's, uh...

Let's go down the Seas for a few, huh?

My treat?

Can I get a rain check?

Um, 'cause I've been moving some furniture.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Okay, I'll just... - Alright.

Bye.

You have to keep him quiet.

I'm sorry, I've never had a hostage before.

I'm not great at it yet.

I think it's technically kidnapping, not hostage taking.

Are you serious?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, that's Kevin.

Oh, God.

Hmm?

Oh, God, what a night!

It's like I was made for politicking.

It's those meaty mitts. They're great for handshaking.

I've always been told I'm ham-handed.

Now I made it a positive.

Ah, this belt is killin' me.

Hey, think about it, though.

If you win, you could make this town

a much better place to live.

For us.

It's true. Think about it...

Parades, no speeding tickets,

peeing outside any bar we damn well please!

Hey! We have to get him out of here.

Oh, yeah.

That's it. I think this new City Councilman

has earned himself a beer.

No, hey...

Oh...

Lift with your legs.

Lift at all.

I am. Come on.

We got to focus. This thing isn't yours yet.

They're picking the candidate this week.

So step one... we got to get your name out there.

Hmm. Oh, I still got that bullhorn.

Remember when we protested the grand opening

of that new vegan barbecue place? Ugh!

No, we're gonna go full "Mad Men" on this.

We're gonna come up with an incredible TV ad campaign

and day drink.

We have two days.

You mean like an adad?

Yes. Something awesome?

Like my very own...

♪ Maybe it's Maybelline ♪

But tougher?

No!

Hell yes. I'm Kevin McRoberts,

and I approve that message!

Thin much?

Okay.

Okay what?

What are we gonna...

How we gonna deal with this?

How's he gonna go to the bathroom?

I don't know yet.

He knows. Everything.

No, he doesn't know everything.

And Nick is alive.

This whole thing, when it was just the two of us,

I-I don't know.

It seemed reasonable, justifiable.

But it wasn't, and it's not.

He knows, Allison, and now he's tied up

and bleeding, and we did that, too.

Okay.

Look, this is bad.

It is.

But at least we bought ourselves some time.

Hey? We'll figure it out.

I just...

need some more time.

Oh, God.

What time is it?

I have no idea.

Can't tell if it's been 20 minutes or 8 hours.

Oh, God.

Oh, no, Kevin must be up by now.

Ugh.

What are you doing?

I went for a run.

I got up early, and I went for a run.

You're leaving me here to deal...

No, no, no, no. I'll be right back, okay?

I promise.

Finally, you kiss a baby

you dump the baby, turn to camera,

say you approve this message

because your name is Kevin McRoberts.

Boom!

I don't know, Dad.

What don't you know? Well, that's your name, son.

I know, but this ad has... Has no pomp,

It has no whimsy.

A-And you did all these drawings?

- Yeah. - Dad, they're terrible.

Look, this town has to believe you're a serious candidate.

Serious candidate?

Dad, the only thing serious about me is my heart condition.

I went for a run.

How many miles?

Two.

But, hey, I'm glad that you're here,

because now you can hear the new jingle

that I wrote for the campaign.

- ♪ Ke... ♪ - No.

Kev, we got to get this right.

It's true. In two days,

the mayor is hand-picking the next candidate.

And if the rumors of his fetish are true,

he's also feet-picking.

You're... You're being seriously considered for public office?

Absolutely! I'm gonna be like...

Like an influencer, but for politicking.

What do you call that?

Politician.

And... And so this election, it's...

Here to stay, baby!

Like that mole on my hip that I refuse to get looked at.

I nicknamed it Neil.

Speaking of, where is Neil, anyway?

Neil? Neil... Neil? Neil? Neil? Uh...

Has he not been around?

I just assumed the world got quieter.

It is a rough ride clinging to coattails,

but that is his job as my best friend to hang on.

Maybe I need to go remind him of that

in the form of a purple nurple.

Oh, no, no, because, you know,

Patty said that he got food poisoning.

I guess he has that one plate that he uses over and over.

Ah, yep, the blue one.

Son, he's a distraction, alright?

We've got to get focused.

Got to get serious. You got to get thick shoes

that won't be punctured by stray needles.

We're going to the vacant lot to shoot this political ad!

Aw, man, Neil is gonna be bummed.

He loves that place.

I've never hurt him before.

Hey.

Hey, if you need a reminder of what he did...

Jesus.

You were basically saving my life.

Oh, God.

Okay, we have to get him to a doctor.

What, what? What?

That might be really bad. I have no idea.

No. Hey. Hey.

He's awake. He's alert.

Watching all of "ER" does not make you a doctor.

I don't like this situation either, okay?

But we can't let him out until we know he'll be quiet.

And how are we gonna do that?

I don't know. I don't...

Blackmail? I don't... We'll figure it out, okay?

No, no.

We have to do something now.

Reason with him.

Reason? With Neil?

Yeah. He's not a complete idiot.

He just wants you to think he is.

Why?

Because... then you pay his rent

and bail him out for 30 years.

- Wait, wait. What... - Trust me.

This place is a vault.

- Bitch. - Great start.

Okay, okay.

Neil.

This is a misunderstanding.

- A misunderstanding? - Uh-huh.

Um, hello?!

You think I buy that I'm tied up with a head wound

'cause I, what, heard you wrong?

- No. - Yes.

It's 'cause you were choking Allison.

No, no, no, you would've just called the cops,

not whatever the hell this is.

You tried to kill Kevin.

- Fine. - No...

Okay, but there were circumstances,

and it was a terrible momentary thing, and it's over.

It's done.

Oh, like I'm just gonna believe you?

Look at what you did to me.

Well, look what you did to me.

Oh, that's the same as trying to kill someone?

It's all bad, okay?

And I can't believe you helped her.

I thought you were one of us, but this?

You're clearly nuts.

I always knew you'd take after Mom.

- Ow! - You're a useless piece of shit

- just like Dad! - Okay.

- You hear me?! - Okay. Okay.

Ah! Ow!

Neil. Think about it.

Kevin's, like, running for public office.

He's a public figure now.

So it'd be suicide for us to try anything.

Right?

Right?

Yes, ri... Yes. Yes.

Yes. Right.

Okay. So you're done trying to kill my best friend.

Congrats. You still tried once!

Who's...

Help!

No! Oh! Shh, shh, shh! Help! Help!

Shut up! Okay. Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.

You said this place was a vault.

It is, but now's not a good time to test that.

Hey.

Hey.

Isn't that what you wore last night?

Mm, yeah.

I fell asleep on the couch.

Just woke up.

- Are you ready? - Ready for...

Don't you have a couple porch chairs

you Tom-Sawyered me into putting together with you?

I mean, you said "with."

I assume you meant "for."

I'm... I'm sorry.

I, uh... I completely spaced.

The truth is, is I'm... I'm not feeling very well.

Oh, is that why you slept on the couch?

Yeah, mm-hmm.

Sorry. But you're in luck,

because I heat up chicken noodle soup real well.

Mostly because I add extra pasta...

Soup sounds great, but let's not be here.

- Let's go out. - Are you sure?

- I mean, if you're sick... - No, no.

Going out will do me good.

Fresh air and all that.

Why don't you go keep warming the car, and I'll...

I'll be there in a few minutes

after I, you know... pbht!

I don't know. I kind of like this look even more day two.

Shut up. I'll be right out. I...

- Help! - Shh!

It's Tammy.

- Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh! - Shut up.

Is she gone?

I-I told her I was sick

and I'd go out for soup or something.

I don't know, I think I blacked out.

How the hell am I dating a cop?

Okay, no, no, it's good to get her away from here, okay?

So you keep her happy. I'll stay here.

Are you sure?

I don't want to leave you alone with him.

It's fine, it's fine. I'll... I'll work on him.

I'll try to fix it.

Okay. I'll be quick.

Okay.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Please.

I really am sorry about all this.

No, I really am.

I didn't know what to do. It just got out of hand.

What?

Does Patty pay your rent?

It was our parents' duplex.

No, but the mortgage.

She has to, right? 'Cause you can't hold down a job

for more than a couple of weeks.

It's not my fault. I get overwhelmed.

Oh. Right.

And everything else?

Does Kevin pay for everything else?

But how?

I can't even get him to put gas in his own car.

He never does anything I want him to.

Why would he?

You know how often you say, "But, Kevin"?

- Okay. - We made a drinking game

out of it last St Paddy's day. I blacked out.

Well, you also took a header off Turtle Boy,

and Kevin laughed till he puked,

so it was a great day.

You're always trying to make him do stuff or not do stuff.

But when has nagging him ever worked?

Never.

So that's why you tried to kill him?

'Cause he doesn't care when you whine?

Maybe he doesn't care when I whine,

but he laughs when you bleed.

Oh, come on.

Maybe someday you'll see that.

Order up.

Isn't this place great?

It has zero charm, which is of course my type.

Hey.

You feeling okay?

I'm sorry. I, uh, um...

I thought getting out of the house would help, but maybe...

maybe this was a bad idea.

Were you up all night?

Pretty much.

Maybe I just go back with you.

No.

No. It's fine.

It's terrible being sick and alone.

I wasn't alone. Allison came by a few times.

Mm.

I know you don't like her.

But you don't really know her.

Do you?

Know her or like her?

Either.

Yeah.

I mean, it...

It's just like you with Bram.

I don't get it at all,

but you cut that guy all kinds of slack.

- He's my partner. - Yeah, and she and I

are around each other a lot.

We put up with the same idiots all day.

I don't know. I mean, she looks out for me.

I look out for her.

If you say so.

I do.

Order up.

Excuse me.

Oh, good, you're home.

I need you to look at something.

No, I am not doing that again.

Just get a hand mirror and lift your legs over your head.

No, my dad just sent over the rough cut of our political ad.

I need the opinion of the... uninformed public.

Please sit.

Kev, after what happened,

isn't it a lot to put ourselves through?

It's not a lot, babe.

It's only a 30-second ad.

No, I mean this whole election thing.

It's... It's... It's too much.

It's not too much, I promise.

We... We'll fund-raise.

It won't cost us a thing.

But, Kevin!

"But, Kev-i-i-in."

Never mind.

Let's watch the ad.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Hi, I'm Kevin McRoberts,

everyday hero. And I, Kevin McRoberts,

am running for City Council.

That's Kevin McRoberts... K-E-V-I-N,

big "M," little "c," big "R,"

little "o," little "b," little "e"...

Why'd you pause it?

You didn't watch me finish spelling.

Well, I know how it ends.

I'm... I'm just worried that this ad, it...

It isn't you.

How do you mean? Dad says it's all about name recognition.

That's my name.

No, I mean it just doesn't...

capture how awesome you really are.

Bro.

Call me absolutely insane...

but you might actually be right!

You know, when Dad was story-boarding it out,

I did feel a little...

Like a... Like a weenie little pansy boy

- got dressed up by his daddy. - Okay, okay.

You need to show your voters who you really are,

your authentic... kickass self,

and they'll remember you forever.

Forever?

Or at least until they vote.

Yeah, but how would we finish it in time?

The ad's due to Local Access 37 by tomorrow.

I'll help you.

Last time you said that, you grabbed the wheel,

and I crashed into a fire hydrant.

Instead of a crowd of children.

That's it. It's settled.

You and me, babe, we are gonna

make a political ad together!

Okay. Let's get our creative juices flowing.

Okay, okay, let's brainstorm.

Oh, no, no, that's what I call pounding beers

and ripping shots.

Of course.

I'm in.

Yes! Here you go.

Let's introduce this town to the authentic Kevin McRoberts.

And this time, they're staying down!

Allison?

Allison?

What happened? Where's Allison?

She ran out of here right after you.

She did? Why?

She's with Kevin, probably trying to kill him again.

What the hell is she thinking?

What the hell are you thinking?

No.

Don't start.

Don't start that guilt-tripping crap.

Oh, it's crap?

Look at all this.

- Ugh. - I don't know why I'm bothering

to try and make you care, because she won't let me go,

and you do what she says, no questions asked.

- That's not true. - Oh, please.

I've been watching you two.

She says "we" all the time like you're in this together,

but, Patty, where is she?

You do the work, and she calls the shots.

So why waste my time trying to get you to help me, Trish?

Don't call me that.

But Lisa Fazzolari called you that your entire junior year.

That girl kept failing her driver's test,

and you'd chauffeur her everywhere,

once to a party that you weren't even invited to, right?

Shut up.

You just sat outside keeping the car warm,

but this is even more pathetic.

I don't care what you think.

You had your hands on her.

What excuse could you possibly have?

It was an accident. Every report card I ever got

said I don't know my own strength.

And it was bullshit then.

She tried to kill someone.

I could argue it was self "offense."

Oh, God. Just stop.

Jesus.

She's...

- That is no victim. - Neil.

Neil.

Neil.

Patty?

No, no, no.

Patty!

Patty?

Patty!

What happened? Did he get out?

No.

I let him out.

- What are you talking about? - I brought him to the hospital.

- W-Why? - I had to.

Whatever happens, happens, but having him sedated in there

is better than dead in my basement.

Well, I didn't want him dead in your basement, either,

but we could have found another way.

Why didn't you trust me?

I couldn't wait for you to realize this is serious.

Oh, you think I don't know that?

I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want any of this.

- But also... - Stop showing off the bruise.

Yes, Neil did that,

but you're not just some victim.

He's gonna talk when he wakes up.

Maybe he should.

What?

I hope not.

And I'll figure something out, but I'll figure it out alone.

You don't have to figure it out alone.

Why did you leave?

You left Neil in the basement.

What were you doing with Kevin tonight?

After everything that's happened,

you're still trying to kill him?

No, I just... I can't have him in this election.

Can you imagine him in any position of power? Come on.

I'm not an idiot, okay?

Don't you just assume that I'll go along

with whatever you say, on your side,

no questions asked.

You want him out so that you can try to run him over

or force feed him Oxys and no one will care.

He'll be... He'll be nobody.

Patty, I'm sorry, okay?

But I had to do this tonight.

And it's done, I think.

So I am here.

I'm not gonna make you try to figure this out by yourself, okay?

I really, I... I am here.

No.

No, you're not.

Not anymore.

Just take care of yourself, alright?

And I'll do the same.

Dad, Allison, come in here!

The ad airs in like 30 seconds!

I'm exhausted, I'm hungover, and this is all I'm living for.

I thank you for your support.

I'm so excited. My pulse is racing.

Have 911 pre-dialed.

Shoot, I wanted to tape this.

Oh, no. Don't worry. I called the station.

The campaign bought 40 spots.

They'll be airing over and over all day.

Shh, shh, shh.

My ad is on.

Wild Dude!

He is a cool dude.

He shoots the bad dudes.

The Worcester Wild Dude!

- Is that the mayor? - Yeah.

Yeah. I heard that he plays darts, and Allison thought

that this might signal to him that we could be bros.

Bros, yeah, bros.

The Worcester Wild Dude!

Where the hell is my ad?

Uh, scrapped for authenticity.

That was awesome.

Now I guess we just, uh, sit back

and wait for my political star to rise.

Kevin, what happened to messaging?

Assertive pointing? Name recognition?

Uh, Dad, I'm pretty sure people will remember me after that.

You didn't say your real name once!

It's the mayor.

Uh, excuse me while I retire to my office.

Kevin "Worcester Wild Dude" McRoberts at your service.

I knew I should have stayed out of politics after Whitewater.

The Clinton scandal?

No, I went rafting with Gerald Ford.

The boat flipped. I had to give him mouth-to-mouth.

- What's up? - I'm out of the race.

No!

No...

And he's filing a restraining order against me.

Just like Jeff Probst did against Neil.

Ugh, they booted me from my destiny.

You nailed the mayor in the eye!

- Hello? - Diane? Hi.

We are going to the Seas, and I am buying you a bunch of drinks,

because... maybe this is a win for you.

They tried to kill him. Can you believe?

Bitches tried to kill me, too.

You're fine. Everything's fine.

I've never seen you drink like this.

Like I'm having fun?

Like there's no tomorrow.

Okay, what... what are we toasting to again?

Feminism?

Feminism?

I don't know. Or something.

Oh, la-di-da.

I didn't realize you were busy changing the world.

I'm not.

But I did something, and it feels amazing.

Mm-hmm.

I just need to focus on that

before everything else just crumbles to the ground,

you know?

Mm-hmm.

D!

This whole Chuck thing, you're better off, okay?

You're never gonna have to look at another open cabinet again.

Not just the cabinets.

The back door, the bathroom vanity, the dishwasher.

I could have tripped over that and broken my neck, you know?

But he couldn't be bothered.

22 years, I spent closing stuff behind that man.

No, D, this isn't sad.

This is like when someone dies,

but they're really old, so it's fine.

This isn't a funeral, it's a celebration.

Yeah. Yes.

But I've been Mrs. Charles McAnte for so long,

it's like... it's like I like cleaning up after him,

because I don't know what I did before.

Well, you... you were a whole other person.

And you'll find her again, okay?

Just need a few more wins.

Hmm.

Hey, is that Kevin?

It's on again. Turn it up.

It... It is. It's Kevin.

Wild Dude!

- What? - "He shoots the bad dudes."

- "He is a cool dude." - He is a cool dude.

No, no, no, no.

"The Worcester Wild Dude!"

Why is your husband on TV, huh?

Your husband's the Worcester Wild Dude?

- Yeah. - That's awesome!

Okay. Okay, uh, how do you know this ad?

Oh, it's been airing over and over all day.

Then News Channel 12 picked it up.

I heard it made it over to Channel 6 out of Boston.

Why?

It's hilarious. I heard he's gonna be

over at Kelly's Bar tomorrow, singing the song live.

Allison?!

Kevin's famous!

Oh. Okay, that is worth celebrating.

I mean, I bet Kevin never forgets

to close a cabinet behind him, huh?

The only time Chuck ever made the news

was during the blackout of '03

when he looted that dollar store, but Kevin?

Cheers, everybody!

Everyday Hero!

Put another win on the board!

The world revolves around him.

No, it's not that it does, it's that it has to.

No one deserves what's coming to them

more than that asshole.

Yeah!

It's why he always wins.

Ugh.

Shoot.

Glad you went in a ditch 'stead of hitting anyone else.

The guys at the scene told me you... fell asleep at the wheel?

Your husband a cop or something?

Or something, yeah.

Must be nice.

What happened to you?

Got in an accident.

How do I make this better?

Maybe you can't.

You didn't do this on your own.

I hit him first.

At least now you're free to focus on

whatever you're... doing to Kevin.

I made it worse.

- What? - Yeah, um...

Somehow I made him famous?

Got out of a DUI tonight

because the cops found out I was his wife.

Wait.

You drove drunk?

What were you thinking?

I can't leave.

I can't kill him.

I'm stuck here like this until I die,

and that's if I'm lucky. That's if Neil doesn't talk

and Nick... you know.

So...

Why not get drunk and drive my car?

Allison?

This self-destructive bullshit?

Killing yourself?

It's just playing the victim again.

Good morning!

Good morning.

I said, "Good morning."

Is it?

Of course it is.

I thought I was out. I thought I was down.

But instead, I'm a celebrity!

Oh, God, I'm like a taste-maker.

I'm practically the ninth Wahlberg.

You always find a way to win.

And fix your face,

'cause you're winning by proxy.

Right, like my face is the problem.

Oh, and, uh, as Mrs. Worcester Wild Dude,

you should get a lot of cred,

which you need after word got out

that you ordered Starbucks over Dunkie's that one time.

But hey, I got a big, uh, photoshoot this afternoon,

and I want you there with me, baby.

I don't want to be in photos.

Oh, no, I mean like to cheer me on.

What do you think?

I think I'd rather fake my own death.

What?

Patty, I figured it out.

Allison?

This self-destructive bullshit?

Killing yourself?

It's just playing the victim again.

Nick, your brother, everything that's happened...

I know what we're gonna do.

Put it all on me.

_

_

_

God damn it!

I'm trying to fix this.

I have a longer-term solution.

I meant it when I said I'm out.

Okay.

Hi.

The electricity is out at my place.

I'm just trying to save up right now.

Oh, yeah? For what?

Vacation.

They discharged me early.

- Neil? - Kev!

I gotta tell you something.

Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.MY-SUBS.com