Original subtitles

(CLICKING PEN RAPIDLY) .

I don't give shitty jobs. .

If a good man comes to me .

and says, "Thank you, David, .

"for the opportunity and continued support .

"in the work-related arena, .

"but I've done that, I want to better myself, I want to move on." .

Then, I can make that dream come true to, AKA, for you. .

The point is you talk the talk, but do not walk the walk, .

vis-a-vis you've not yet passed your forklift driver's test. .

The man who gives the jobs in the warehouse .

is a personal friend of mine. All right? .

I know you're the man for the job. (SNIFFS) .

Sammy, you old slag. .

It's the Brentmeister general. .

Have you advertised the forklift driver's job? .

No? Good. Don't bother. I've got the man here. He's perfick. .

Has he passed his forklift driver's test? .

He gives the tests. .

Yeah, yeah. He's first-aid trained, yeah. .

Yeah. We'll get a CV over to you this afternoon. .

I'm seeing you Sunday, aren't I? For my sins. .

How is Elaine? She left you yet? .

Yeah. .

All right. See you then. .

She has left him. I forgot about that. .

(PHONE RINGS) .

David Brent. .

I've been in the business for 12 years. .

Been at Wernham Hogg as General Manager for eight of those. .

So, putting together my team. .

Lovely Dawn. .

Dawn Tinsley. Receptionist. Huh? .

-Been with us for ages, haven't you? -Yeah. .

I'd say, uh, at one time or another, .

every bloke in the office has woken up at the crack of Dawn! (LAUGHS) .

What? .

Can I have the mail, please? .

Yeah. .

Just a fax. .

Oh. .

-Dawn, this is from Head Office. -I know. .

How many times have I told you? .

There's a special filing cabinet for things from Head Office. .

-You haven't told me... -Called the wastepaper basket! .

-Your face. -Ah. .

Can I get that back? .

People say I'm the best boss. .

They go, "Oh, we've never worked in a place like this before. .

"You're such a laugh. You get the best out of us." And I go, .

you know, "C'est la vie. If that's true, excellent." .

-Be, uh, be gentle with me today, Dawn. -Yeah. Why is that? .

Oh, God, I had a skinful last night. .

I was out with Finchy, Chris Finch. Had us on a pub crawl. .

El vino did flow. .

I was blar...tered. .

Bladdered. .

Blottoed. .

Oh, don't ever come out with me and Finchy. .

-No, I won't. -Oh. .

You got to go for it. .

There's guys my age and they look 50. .

How old do you think I look? .

-Thirty-si... -Thirty, yeah. Yeah. .

About that. But I'm going to have to slow down. .

Drinking a bit too much. .

If every single night of the week's too much. .

(LAUGHS) And every lunchtime! .

-How many have I had this week? -What? .

How many pints have I drunk this week, if you're counting? .

-I'm not counting. -Aren't you? .

Hmm, you seem to know a lot about my drinking. .

Does it offend you, huh? .

You know, getting a little bit, little bit personal. .

Imagine if I started doing that with you. .

I could look at you and come out with something really witty and biting like, .

"You're a bit..." (WHISPERS INAUDIBLY) .

But, I don't, because I'm a professional. .

And professionalism is... .

And that is what I want, okay? That's all. .

That's a shame. .

-Wassup? -Don't do that! .

Jesus! That wasn't funny before. .

All right. What is it, your time of the month? .

Just the eight pints for me last night, then. .

That's all. .

Uh! .

Oh, no. Oh, God. .

"Boss and team leader in drunken night out shock horror," it says here. .

It's not like I'm out again tonight with Oggy. .

That'll be a quiet night in at the library. Not! .

I don't think. .

Uh, I'm a sales rep, which means that my job .

is to speak to clients on the phone .

about, uh, quantity and type of paper, .

and whether we can supply it with them, .

and whether they can pay for it. .

And I'm boring myself talking about it. It's just... .

Wassup? .

Hey, wassup? I love that. .

-Wassup? -Oh. .

You're fired, Keenan. Drunkard. (LAUGHS) .

Hypocrite warning. .

Oh, God. .

Oh, what's he been saying? .

It's all true. Guilty as charged. .

Oh, yeah, Went out with a few of his mates, didn't we? .

And, uh, he goes, "Well, tag along if you want, .

"but I must warn you, David, they do get a bit rowdy after a few pints." .

I went, "I'll see if I can stand it." Right? I was worse than them by the end! .

(LAUGHS) .

They're going, "Who's that nutter?" "That's my boss." .

"We can't stand it any more, we're going." They just left, didn't they? .

I told you. .

Oh, God. Absolutely mental. Oh! .

Resolve! (LAUGHS) .

What? .

Nothing. .

-See you later. -See you later. .

Take care. .

Listen, would you mind giving Maintenance a call? .

There's a nasty smell in the lift. .

DAVID: Head Office don't really interfere with me at all. .

Uh, Jennifer might come down once a week. .

Jennifer Taylor-Clark. We call her Camilla Parker-Bowles. .

Not to her face. Well, I mean, not 'cause I'm scared of her. .

I got them off Nobby Burton who comes round with a suitcase. .

"Two for a tenner." "Yes, please, four." .

-So... -DAWN: Hmm. .

Okay. Meeting with Jennifer Taylor-Clarke present. Mmm. .

-Right. -Shoot. .

Was there anything that you wanted to add to the agenda? .

Did no get an agenda. .

-Sorry? -Did not get an agenda, no. .

I did fax you one this morning. .

Don't think we got a fax, did we, Dawn? .

Yeah, we may have. .

Then why isn't it in my hand? .

Because a company runs on efficiency of communication. .

You, um, put it in the bin that was a special filing cabinet. .

As a joke, yeah. .

It's not even my joke, it's my brother's joke. .

It's meant to be with bills. Doesn't really work with faxes. .

-Do you want to have a look at mine? -Yeah. .

Yeah, sure, she'd say she's the boss, yeah, but... .

There should be no ego when you're pulling together .

to do something good. Yeah? .

It's like Comic Relief. .

Yeah? I'm out here in Africa, .

and I'm seeing the flies and the starvation. .

And she, if she is the boss, .

she's in the studio with, you know, Jonathan Ross and Lenny Henry, .

and they've got their suits on. They're doing their bit, .

they're counting the money. Good luck to them. .

But their hands are clean, while I'm down here in the office .

with little starving kids. .

-Yeah. -Right (CLEARS THROAT). .

Since the last meeting, Alan and the board have decided .

that we can't justify a Swindon branch and a Slough branch. .

-Oh! Okay, go on. -No, now listen, David. Don't panic. .

DAVID: Should be good. This is it. Go on. .

-There are alarm bells. -No, listen to me. No, don't panic. .

-We haven't made any deci... -Don't panic? .

-We haven't made any decisions yet. -Good. .

I've spoken to Neil in Swindon. .

-I've told him the same as you. -Yeah. .

And it's up to either you or him .

to convince me that your branch could incorporate the other. .

-Okay. No problem. -This does, however, mean .

that there are going to be redundancies. .

Oh, you see? Did I no want to hear that, Jenny, .

because redundancies are a tragedy, always. .

I wouldn't wish that on Neil's men. I certainly wouldn't wish it on my men... .

Or women. .

Present company excepted. Is Neil concerned about redundancies? .

Well, he is. Of course, yes. .

Good. Because I'm very concerned about redundancies. .

Although I understand if they're absolutely necessary, as a businessman. .

-Does he understand...? Go on. -David. .

-Can we not talk about redundancies? -Well... .

-What we have to decide... -We have to, sooner or later. .

Yes, but at the moment, what we have to decide .

is do you take on Swindon's people at this branch or the other way round? .

Yeah, we'll take on theirs. .

-(LAUGHS) No. -No? .

-No. You and I don't decide. -Decide? .

-I decide. -You do decide, but... .

-Once you've made your case. -Based on factors. .

Okay. Is there a time limit on... .

-(PHONE RINGS) -Let it go onto answering machine. .

DAVID: Hi, mate. Not around at the moment, .

so please leave a massage. .

(BLEEP) .

-All right, Dave, it's the Finch. -Chris Finch. Bloody good rep. .

Hear you got a hangover, you big poof. .

Ah, that's derogatory. That's a shame. .

You're in with that Jennifer what's-her-face, today, aren't you? .

-Give her one for me, son. -Ah. .

-Cheers, big ears. -Awful. Awful man. .

And stop looking up her skirt. .

-David? -I wasn't. .

Can we keep a lid on this for the time being? .

I really don't want to worry people unduly. .

No. Under this regime, Jenny, this will not leave the office. .

So, what does redundancy actually mean? .

So you'd just go, would you? .

-Would you? -Well, I don't know. .

Keith and Jamie, they're having these... .

-I know. They're all going mad. -...clandestine little chats, .

I actually don't give a monkey's. .

"Oh God, we're gonna be out of work." .

-Do you? -I couldn't give a shit. .

This is Mr Brent. .

-Guilty. -All right, hi. .

Ricky Howard from the temping agency. .

-Verna sent me down to start today. -Yeah. .

Temporary... .

Staff only. .

-Ricky? -Yeah. .

"Ricky!" (LAUGHS) .

"Ricky. No, Ricky!" What was his girlfriend's name on EastEnders? .

-Bianca. -"Ricky! Leave it!" .

Did she tell you I was mad? .

Yeah, she said you had a nervous breakdown. .

I haven't had a nervous breakdown, so... .

-No. That was a joke. -Yeah? .

She said you were a really good laugh and, you know... .

-Wow. We all are, aren't we? -Sorry, tried to... .

Part of my job description, though, innit? .

Unofficially. .

Okay. Let's get you started. .

-Okay. -Into the fray! .

All right. .

What upsets me about the job? Um... .

Wasted talent, yeah? .

People could come to me and they could go, .

"Excuse me, David, but you've been in the business 12 years. .

"Can you just spare us a moment to tell us how to run a team, .

"how to keep them task-orientated as well as happy?" .

But they don't. .

That's the tragedy. .

This is the, uh, Accounts Department. .

All right? .

The number bods. .

Do not be fooled by their job descriptions. .

They are absolutely mad, all of them. .

Especially that one. He's mental. .

Not literally, obviously. That wouldn't work. .

Last place you'd want someone like that is in Accounts. .

-This is the recycling bin. -Right. .

Obviously we get through a lot of paper. .

-Mmm-hmm. -We make a lot! .

-Actually, we sell it. -Yeah. .

-It doesn't grow on trees! -(LAUGHS) .

-You know... -Yeah, it is pulp, yeah. .

Here. .

Mr Davis, can I just call you back? Something's just come up. .

Two minutes. Thanks very much. Bye. .

What are you doing? .

-What? -Gareth, what are you doing? .

I'm just pushing this stuff off my desk. I can't concentrate. .

-It wasn't on your desk. -It was, it was all overlapping. .

It's all coming over the edge here. .

All right? One word, two syllables. Demarcation. All right? .

David Brent, I presume! .

That's just to cheer these lot up. .

Send them out to get the plants, the girls, .

it makes them a little bit happier. .

'Cause they can sometimes get a little bit... .

Uh, it's run out of batteries. .

Do you want to get some batteries for Billy Bigmouth? .

-Take it out of petty cash. -All right. .

Can't put a price on comedy. Uh... .

You're a twat, Gareth. You're a twat and a knob-end. .

I'm still not listening, so it's not offending me. .

TIM: Right. Okay. So you won't hear this. .

(SINGSONG) You're a cock, you're a cock, you're a cock. .

You're a cock. .

Here you are, look. .

This is the sort of work we're doing. .

Cartoons. .

"Does my bum look big in these?" .

It's not sexist. That's the bloke saying it. .

At last. So... .

All for that. All for that in the workplace. .

Managed to scrape a first in the end. .

You've met Tim, haven't you? .

-How you doing? -All right. .

Oh, careful. Watch this one. Gareth Keenan in the area! .

-Ricky, the new temp. -Introduce yourself. .

Gareth Keenan, Assistant Regional Manager. .

Assistant to the Regional Manager. Gareth's my right-hand man. .

Immediately beneath me, oh, as an actress said to a bishop! .

No, he's not. I'm not. .

Tell him about your car and your kung fu and everything. .

Yeah. I've got a TR3. .

I bought it for 1,200, done it up, now it's worth three grand. .

-The profit on that's just under... -New suspension. New engine. .

-Just a wreck. -I've got some photos. .

Oh, what is that? .

-Whoa, whoa. -David. Right, that is it. .

Slow down, you move too fast. Solomon's here. .

All part of the job. What's going on? .

He put my stapler inside a jelly again. .

That's the third time he's done it. It wasn't even funny the first time. .

Why has he done that? .

I told him once that I don't like jelly. .

I don't trust the way it moves. .

You showed him a weakness, he pounced. You should know about that. .

Uh. What is in here? .

It's my stapler. .

Well, don't do that! Eat it out. .

There's people starving in the world, which I hate. So... And it's a waste. .

How do you know it's yours? .

'Cause it's got my name on it in Tippex. .

Yeah. Don't eat it now, then. Chemicals. .

Right. You can be my witness. Give him an official warning. .

-How do you know it was me? -It's always you. .

-Mad here. -Can't you discipline him? .

Ooh, kinky! .

(LAUGHS) .

No. The thing about practical jokes, .

you've got to know when to stop as well as start, .

and now's the time to stop putting Gareth's personal possessions in jelly. .

Gareth, it's only a trifling matter. .

(LAUGHS) .

Here we go. We're always like this. .

You should both put him in custard-y! .

He's going to fit in here. We're like Vic and Bob, aren't we? .

And one extra one. Oh, God. .

Yeah. I'm more worried really about damage to company property, that's all. .

Trifling. .

I'm just trying to think of other desserts to do. .

Yeah, it's all right here, .

but people do sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. .

I like to have a laugh just as much as the next man, .

but this is a place of work. .

I was in the Territorial Army for three years, .

and you can't muck about there. .

That's sort of one of the rules. .

Hey, dude. .

-Give it back. -I'm just using it for a second. .

It's got my name on it. Gareth. .

-It says "Garet", actually, but... -Ask if you want to borrow it. .

You always say no, mate. What's the point? .

Perhaps that's why you should ask. .

Gareth, it was just there, okay? .

Yeah? That's its home. Leave it there. .

Okay. .

Okay. .

Okay. .

GARETH: Philip, get that off him! Get that off him! .

I'm going to let this go unless you stop acting like a fool. .

-Well, you won't so... -Well, I have, so... .

-What if that killed someone? -Oh, killed... .

Well, they'll think you're the murderer. It's got your name on it. .

Why would a murderer put his name on a murder weapon? .

To stop people borrowing it. .

David. .

I hate the fact you bring me down to this. I really do. .

-I resent it. -I don't know why you're laughing. .

Leave her out of it. .

You carry on. Listen, you bring me down to this, mate. .

-Heya. -Hello. .

What's that? .

Popcorn. Ben Elton. .

-Funny? -It's all right, yeah. .

Had a bit of a scare earlier. .

Did you? .

I thought I found a lump. .

I examine myself regularly but... It's fine. .

Terrifying. .

Testicular cancer. .

Cancer of them old testicles. .

-What's that? -It's a bit of Brie. .

-What, from down there? -Mmm. .

See you later. .

I've just got a complaint from a very important client .

saying that the figures I gave him are wrong and... .

Yeah. Well, basically, I've checked all other possibilities .

and it's come down to the calculator. .

Well, I don't know. Circuitry? Sorry, who is this I'm talking to? .

Redundancies. Now, it is true or not? .

-Okay. -Last in, first out. First in, last out. .

I don't know what source your little bird is from... .

All right. You give me a sum, then. .

No. You give me a sum, I'll try it out. All right? .

Yeah? .

Plus... (TAPPING CALCULATOR) .

Fifty two...equals... .

141. .

All right. That time it was correct. .

-There's nothing... -Be straight with us. .

I am. I'm going to be straight with you now. .

I can't tell you at the moment. .

I don't like acting like a kid, do you know what I mean? .

But it's the effect that he has. .

What are you doing? .

I don't actually want to have to look at you, Gareth. .

-You can't do that. -Why not? .

-Health and Safety. -Health and... (LAUGHS) .

Why? Crushed by cardboard or what? .

No. Number one, blocking out light. .

Number two, misuse of company files. .

Misuse of files? Right. .

This is why the whole redundancy thing doesn't bother me. .

Because if I have to work with him for another day, .

I will slit my throat. .

You won't do it like that, though. .

You get the knife in behind the windpipe, .

pull it down like that. .

Or I could just apply for another job. .

Careful. .

Okay. Um... .

Thanks for coming in. This'll take a minute. .

Uh, right. I am aware of the rumours that have been circulating, .

and I just want to take this opportunity to put the record straight. .

I'm team leader! I should know first. .

Yeah. I'm telling everyone now. .

Just tell me very quickly. Just whisper it to me. .

-MAN: Can't you just tell us? -(ALL CLAMOURING) .

Yeah. All right. .

-Shall I tell them? -You don't know what it is. .

All right. You tell them, then, with my permission. .

I don't need your permission. .

Permission granted. Use it as you wish. .

Head Office .

have deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me, .

and Jennifer is talking of either .

downsizing the Swindon branch or this branch. .

(ALL MUTTERING) .

-And are you going to let her? -No, Malcolm. .

'Cause you didn't see me in there with her. .

For his eyes only! .

I said, "If Head Office try and come here and interfere, .

"they've got me to contend with." Okay? .

"You can go and fiddle with Neil's people, .

"but I'm the head of this family. .

"You're not going to fiddle with my children. I am, if anyone does." .

Yeah, but David, if they do downsize here... .

What? You think I'd let that happen? .

MALCOLM: It'd be out of your hands. .

It won't be out of my hands, Malcolm, and that's a promise. .

MALCOLM: Can you promise that? .

On his mother's grave. .

Well, I have promised it. .

Okay? And it insults me that you have to ask. .

-MALCOLM: It's just that... -Sorry, Malcolm, Dawn wants to speak. .

Go on, Dawn. .

It was just that I was in the meeting with Jennifer, .

and she said that it could be this branch that gets the chop. .

(ALL MURMURING) .

Well, if you were in the meeting with Jennifer, .

then maybe you should adhere to the ongoing confidentiality agreement .

of meeting. .

Yeah. Information is power. .

So you can't say for certain whether it's going to be us or them. .

This is my ship and I've asked you to trust me, and you can't go wrong. .

MALCOLM: It's not a question of trust. .

It is a question of trust, Malcolm. .

It is a question of trust. Do you trust me? .

-Do you trust me? Yes or no? -Yes. I trust you. .

He does. .

-So, meeting a-journed. Okay. -Good. Excellent. .

I'd have said much the same. In fact... .

Can I just ask? Do you trust me? .

-Hands up if you trust me. -You don't... .

-Well, you asked them. -Put your hand down. .

No, I need to know. I'm Assistant Regional Manager. .

Assistant to the Regional Manager. They're gone. .

I'm not worried for me. I'll be all right. .

But if there does have to be a cull, then so be it. .

I mean, that's just natural selection. .

In the wild, some people wouldn't survive. .

I mean, imagine a warehouse .

where a little midget fella is driving a forklift. .

He can't see over the top. .

He's got great big platform shoes on so he can reach the pedals .

because he's got little legs. .

Anton's a lovely bloke, don't get me wrong, .

but should he be working here? .

GARETH: Have you got a price for matte-coated SRA1? .

If I can't see you, I can't hear you, Gareth. .

-Just tell me, will you? -No. I can't hear you. .

I'm right here. Just tell me now. .

If you want to speak to me, give me a ring, okay? .

(PHONE RINGS) .

-It's on voicemail. -Leave a message. .

Hi. It's me, Gareth. I need a price on matte-coated... .

This is stupid! .

Yeah, it is... This is stupid. .

It's so... Sorry, mate, what do you want? .

Uh, I need a tonnage price on matte-coated SRA1. .

Because I've got 160 down here, but I'm sure that isn't right, .

because when I spoke to Glynn earlier on, he... .

Right. I know you're not there. .

And obviously you can't hear that, but I'm not talking to myself .

because they're filming. .

That feels nice, actually. .

-Do that bit with your nails. -Shh! .

That's no different. You can't do anything with your hair at all! .

Oh, no, trouble. Sanj. .

This is Sanj. This is Ricky. .

-Hello, mate. -Nice to see you. .

This guy does the best Ali G impersonation. .

Aiiight! I can't. You do it. .

-Go on. -I don't. .

-You're thinking of someone else. -Oh! Sorry. .

-No, it's not you, it's the other one. -The other what? .

-Um... -Paki? .

Ah. .

That's racist. .

No, I don't have a great many ethnic employees, that's true, .

but it's not company policy... .

I haven't got a sign on the door that says, "White people only." .

I don't care if you're black, brown, yellow... .

Orientals make very good workers, for example. .

You like a drink at the end of a week? .

Yep. .

Well, this is why we're going out. So we can have a... .

-When are you going out? -...end of the week drink. .

-When are you going out, then? -Tonight, hopefully. I thought. .

Uh, yeah. .

-Hi, mate. -Hi, sweetheart. .

-You ready, yeah? -Yeah. .

Would you mind if I went out for a drink with this lot? .

No, no, no. Come on, let's go home, yeah? .

Okay. I'll be a couple of minutes because it's 20 past five. .

You should come. It'll be a laugh. .

No. I'd love to. You're all right. .

-Seriously. We got to get off. -Okay. .

(TIM EXHALES) .

Um... .

-What's in the bag? -Just tell her I'll see her later, yeah? .

Certainly will. All right, mate. Take care. .

-Dreaded first day. -Yeah. .

-You all right? -Yeah. I'm all right, yeah. .

You've seen the vibe. Yeah? .

Chilled out. You know. .

Oh, dear. .

We work hard. .

I mean, we play hard. .

Play hard when we should be working hard sometimes. .

Partly down to me, sure. .

Um... .

I let them get away with murder .

and in return they let me get away with murder. .

The girls love me. .

Not in that way. .

But, uh, you know... .

I suppose I've created an atmosphere where I'm a friend first .

and a boss second. .

Probably an entertainer third. .

-(KNOCKING ON DOOR) -Hold on! .

Practical jokes, yeah? .

-Right. Okay. -Right? .

Practical joke. Don't give me away. .

Come in. .

DAVID: Ah! And then Head Office said... .

Yeah. So, that'll be... .

-Fax for you. -Thanks. .

Don't go, Dawn. Can you pull up a chair? I was going to call you in anyway. .

I need a quick word. .

-Um... -Hiya. .

As you are aware, there are going to be redundancies. .

And you've made my life easier .

inasmuch as I'm going to have to let you go first. .

What? Why? .

Why? .

Stealing. .

Thieving. .

-Thieving? -Yeah. .

Um... .

Uh, what am I meant to have stolen? .

DAVID: Post-it notes. .

Post-it notes? .

What are they worth, about 12p? .

-Oh. Got your Bible on you, Ricky? -No. .

"Thou shalt not steal unless it's only worth 12p." .

You steal a thousand Post-it notes at 12p, you've made... .

-a profit. -Why would I steal Post-it notes? .

To make the little things in the end of joints... .

-Roaches. -Caught you, drug addict. .

No, I'm just... .

-Are you serious? -Yeah. .

I can't... .

God! .

I've never stolen as much as a paper clip and you're firing me. .

And the good news is I don't need to give you any severance pay .

because it's gross misconduct. .

So you can go straightaway. .

(DAWN SOBBING) .

Oh, now. .

That was a joke there. .

(DAWN SNIFFLING) .

Good girl. It was a joke we were doing. .

Well done. Settling in. .

Practical jokes for the good. .

"Thanks for these. Check them out." .

Better do these now, actually. .

You wanker. .

Come on. .

You're such a sad little man. .

Am I? .

Didn't know that. .

DAVID: What is the single most important thing for a company? .

Is it the building? .

Is it the stock? .

Is it the turnover? .

It's the people. Investment in people. Yeah? .

My proudest moment here wasn't when I increased profit by 17% .

or cut expenditure without losing a single member of staff. No. .

There was a young Greek guy, first job in the country, .

hardly spoke a word of English, .

but he came to me and he went, .

"Mr Brent, will you be the godfather to my child?" .

So... .

Didn't happen in the end. We had to let him go. .

He was rubbish. He was rubbish. .