Original subtitles

(jet whooshing)

[Announcer] Major General McCourtney entering.

Strategic Radar Command Station.

[Man] Transponder bouncing off at 26.3.

Captain Duart, sir.

(group chattering)

Operation's ready for you, sir.

[Man] XL2?

XL2, you're getting in too close.

The wind's very strong there.

10 degrees west.

You'll be outta my range within 15 seconds.

[Woman] Gotcha, roger.

You'll move your back line to coordinate at distance seven.

Gotcha, hang on.

[Pilot On Radio] Jones and eagles fired and ready

on round seven.

Just say the word, and I'm ready to fly.

The galaxy team's waiting for you, sir.

Dr. Barnes, General McCourtney's here.

Meet them down on the terminal, sir.

[General] You say you've got a clear picture?

[Doctor] Ionic sensory impulses have given us

this image, sir.

All we definitely know is his code name, H7-25.

[General] Looks like a pretty normal kid to me.

Any way of knowing how old he is?

If he were a human being, it would be very simple.

10, maybe 11.

But since he comes from a different planet.

Outer Pieces Constellation, to be exact.

That doesn't help us very much, Doctor.

There are millions of kids like that in the United States.

A needle in a haystack.

It'd be a very tough job.

The reasons aren't known to us,

a certain sheriff has taken the boy under his wing.

The two never stay put in once place,

obviously to avoid being discovered.

We've been able to localize their movements, however,

within this radius.

Latitude X14, sector 34B.

We had this problem before.

But we know more about him now, sir.

Boy plays around with a ray gun every once in a while,

and we've been able to pick up the signals

on high-frequency receivers.

Yes, in other words, you're saying that all we have to do

is wait for this extraterrestrial boy, as you call him,

to play round with his ray gun.

If I may say so, you've hit the bulls eye, general.

This is an emergency, and I want immediate action!

Roger, Captain?

Roger, sir.

(helicopters whirring)

Close in!

This is Captain Duart speaking, Strategic Command Division.

I order you to come out of that house.

You have no chance of escape.

You have 10 seconds, which means

that your time is almost up!

You have six seconds before we break down the door

by order of General Marion Hardrox McCourtney.

On your feet, men.

You're the sheriff of this county?

Huh?

Reckon so.

And you're acquainted with an extraterrestrial

who's named H7-25?

Oh, sure.

You know that he should be turned over to the military?

Uh-huh, yeah.

I order you to consign him immediately.

No.

What do you mean, no?

I mean no.

[Captain] That's a weak answer.

I need more to go on.

He split out.

[Captain] (chuckles) He did, did he?

And where is he now?

Well, his father came down with a space ship

and took him away.

Well, I must say you've a great imagination.

You really think I'm an idiot, huh?

Yeah.

(spacecraft whirs and beeps)

("Mr. Nothingoesright" by Douglas Meakin)

* Well I'm tellin' no lie

* Every time that I try

* To do anything right I end up in a fight

* Nearly every night

* And the lady I'm with

* Well she usually says

* Goodbye

* It's amazing that I ever ever get by

* what happens to me, I think you'll agree

* Like dinner for two well what would you do

* I ask for the bill and to my despair

* My money's not there

* Mr, Nothingoesright, everything's wrong

* Nothing goes right, leave him alone

* Let me go home

* Look at him now, leave him alone to cry

* Even at school I was the fool

* Breakin' my neck, oh what the heck

* Mr. Nothingoesright, everything's wrong

* Leave him alone and let him go home

* I'm tired of livin', I think I'll give in

* 'Cause I just keep on hurtin' myself

* I'm going crazy, I'm tired and lazy.

Good thing I told you to call your father,

so as you could disappear inside his spaceship.

Yeah, okay, you're right.

You did have a good idea.

But my father said the next time,

we'll have to do without his help.

He told me to tell you that he can't just jump down here

every 10 minutes.

Hm.

Well, we're tryin' to hide you from the nation

ain't no picnic, either.

And I ain't even your father.

Why'd you have to pick on me? (Sighs)

(H7-25 laughs)

Hm?

(boy sighs)

[Child] Wait for me!

[Child] Last one is a rotten egg!

[Child] That's not fair.

[Man] I hope this ain't a rotten egg, Bessie.

[Child] I'm Genoa Walker.

[Child] Was he confirmed?

[Child] Of course he was, stupid.

(children chatter playfully)

[Child] Let's play soccer!

Boom!

Okay, General, the war's over.

It's Christmas, and it's dinnertime.

Thanks to you, this is our holiday dinner.

Look, I said I'm sorry.

Listen, boy.

Do you know how many states there are here in this country?

2 million?

No, 50, and in only one year,

we covered six of those states.

There ain't a county in which I ain't been sheriff,

and only 'cause you can't be a normal kid.

But I'm not a normal kid.

Well, you could at least make believe, couldn't you?

So that every 15 minutes people don't gather around

to see this phenomenon, the miracle kid.

Look, I promised I wouldn't do it again.

Hm.

You mean it?

Well, put it here, man to man.

But remember, when a man doesn't keep his promise

here on Earth...

He gets disintegrated?

Disintegrated, no.

If that were the case,

there'd hardly be anybody left around.

Even though you ain't a habitual Earth-dweller,

I got a little gift for you, too.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

(electronic warbling)

No you don't!

Packages are opened with hands.

Mm-hm.

Sorry.

(machine beeps)

Mm, that's much better.

Let's take a look.

(children yell playfully)

(playful instrumental music)

Now it's my turn to give you a gift.

Oh, really?

Uh-huh.

Close your eyes.

Close my eyes, okay.

(machine beeps and whirs)

Well?

Okay, you can open your eyes.

(Scott chuckles)

You like it?

Hey.

You made a sucklin' pig

with your extraterrestrial shenanigans.

I'm beginning to think you didn't reach Earth by mistake

but just to bug me.

You made me a solemn promise and even shook my hand.

Well, I thought we could make an exception.

No, no, no.

There are no exceptions, forget it.

It's a question of principle.

Put all the food back in its original state, go on.

(machine beeps and whirs)

(pig snorts)

(H7-25 laughs)

Well.

You finished?

Yes.

(pig snorts)

A pig.

I meant our sandwiches, not the pig.

("Mr. Nothingoesright" by Douglas Meakin)

It was an honest mistake.

* Well I'm tellin' no lie

* Every time that I try

* To do anything right, I end up in a fight

* Nearly every night

* And the lady I'm with

* She usually says

* Goodbye

* It's amazing that I ever ever get by

* What happens to me, I think you'll agree

* Like dinner for two, well what would you do

* I ask for the bill and to my despair

* My money's not there

* Mr. Nothingoesright, everything's wrong

* Nothing goes right, leave him alone

* Let me go home, look at him now.

(Scott yawns)

(H7-25 whistles melodically)

(machine beeps and whirs)

(midtempo rock music)

(moves into eerie suspenseful music)

Hey, what's wrong?

Nothing.

Mm!

Mm, good.

("Mr. Nothingoesright" by Douglas Meakin)

(man hums)

Whoa, WHW, Willy Howard's Wigwam.

Wow, hey wow, WHW, Monroe's famous radio station

also 'cause it's the only one in town.

Now, here's today's horoscope.

Great day for thieves, beggars, and no good skunks.

So if you happen to run into any of these,

shut yourself up in a room for the next 24 hours

'cause we ain't got a sheriff to apprehend 'em.

Authorities and citizens of this town

are lookin' for a man who's honest, courageous,

and willing to take on the job of sheriff

in this once-happy village.

The pay is high.

The lodgings are good, and the board is better.

All kiddin' aside, folks, we gotta find a good sheriff.

Monroe's Eldorado Days festivities

will start in a week's time,

and if we don't find a sheriff

to keep the party poopers at bay,

we'll have to call in the National Guard

like we did last year.

You hear that?

They need a sheriff.

I heard more than I wanted to hear.

They need an army, not a sheriff.

[Child] Lob 'em that goofball, Willie!

(bat cracks)

(children cheer)

You know, I kinda like this place.

What's your name?

H7-25.

Ha ha!

You see?

I mean Charlie, Charlie Warner.

I'm the grandson of Minnesota

and I come from the mountains of your aunt.

Your my aunt's grand nephew.

Mm-hm!

And you're from Minnesota, and you're here for vacation.

Right.

Hm.

Now he's tellin' me that I'm right.

(H7-25 giggles)

* I cut your hair, I shave your face

* I preserve the human race.

Voila!

* I brush, I comb, I twist I curl

* I wash...

[Scott] Why'd you stop?

Howdy.

It was you, with your beautiful face.

You've come to the right place.

You'll have the haircut of your choice.

Boyish bob, mannish bob, short bob, long bob,

simple, yet bizarre.

And your beard, single point, double point,

like Jesus Christ, like Grant or Robert E. Lee.

Casque or goatee.

You chose your pick.

Yeah, yeah.

I really came to ask about the new sheriff.

About where one applies for the uh...

[Man] You mean, you wanna be the sheriff here of Monroe?

Depends.

Let's take a look at you.

Yeah, looks like you might work out.

(suspenders snap)

Huh?

He ain't too bad.

Oh, no, not too bad.

- Hey... - You shut up.

He's got the face of a sheriff, but he don't...

Oh, you don't got the smell.

Yeah, he'll shut up, right, Derek?

No, no, he hasn't got enough...

[Man] Wit.

Yeah.

No, no, no.

We need a sheriff that's got more...

(suspenders snap) Elegance.

That's it. (men laugh)

We need a sheriff that's got more class.

Instead, you got anything of class.

Pretty bad, wearin' suspenders

when you already got a belt.

Aw, shucks, I wear 'em in case my...

[Man] Your belt should slip.

Exactly.

Because you never can tell when your belt might snap.

Hey!

(punching thuds)

(objects clatter)

Shame on you!

[Derek] My pants!

Shame on you!

[Derek] My pants!

Shame on you!

[Derek] My pants!

- Shame on you! - My pants!

Shame on ya!

(punching smack)

Shame.

[Derek] My pants.

(man mumbles nervously)

Well, who's the person who hires sheriff's around here?

You go past the shoe store.

Turn, turn.

And turn right, and he's by the radio shack.

Go inside, look for a Mr. Hollard.

- Right on. - (suspenders snap)

(birds chirp)

(children chatter playfully)

This way, young fella.

Well, that's the house.

It's a great little house.

Southern exposure, picture windows,

magnolias and honeysuckle vines.

Come on, let's take a look.

Hardwood floors, double beams,

they don't make houses like this no more.

Watch your step.

I'll lead the way.

Screen doors to keep the skeeters out.

A little luxury don't hurt, I always say, always.

(Howard groans)

Once you get the hang of it, it's...

Hey.

Looks like it could be rust.

No.

I just gotta get the hang of it.

It's a question of applyin' pressure in the right places

on the key sometimes.

How long has it been since the last sheriff lived here?

Well, don't tell me a stupid door's

gonna frighten you away.

It's just a matter of (spits),

it needs a little lubifyin'.

It's worth the wait, you know,

once you get inside, you'll find...

(door booms)

(frame clatters)

[Howard] I could have done that, too.

Well come on in, let's not stand on ceremony.

Make your self at home, it's rustic,

but it's got quaintness, don't it?

Yeah.

Who was the last sheriff you had in here?

Buffalo Bill?

Tell you the truth, I don't take much heed

of the passage of time.

It's one of my weak points.

(Scott chuckles)

However, to answer your question,

I suppose it's true, that is,

that we've been without a sheriff for a while now.

But once the dust is cleared, you'll find

the house is completely furnished

right down to the last detail.

And yet we ain't been able to find a sheriff.

It's amazing, seems incredible.

[Howard] Doesn't it, though?

Where does the mayor hang out?

Right in front of you.

Mm-hm.

And also the town's judge

and chief of the fire department, honorary.

They also wanted me to be sheriff,

but it wouldn't be very democratic.

This way, look what a roomy kitchen.

All the space in the world.

There's a back door there, through there's a toilet.

Ain't no washin' machine, but I own a laundry

just up the block, and if you take up the job,

I'll give you a discount, 10%.

You accept?

Say yes.

(Scott groans)

Look, who's gonna be sheriff, the kid or the big boy?

It's not a question of who's gonna be sheriff.

The house is a bond.

Birds can fly in here and nest and lay their eggs.

Ain't that right, Charlie?

(pager beeping)

Oh, the weather report.

I forgot all about it.

It'll only take a minute.

I'll tell my listeners every cloud has a silver lining,

hope is the only answer!

(H7-25 laughs)

Uh-uh, no way, I don't like this town,

so forget about it, Charlie.

Oh, I think it's a nice place.

It's a filthy stinkin' sewer.

It'd take around six months

to straighten this place out if I don't fall apart first.

Of all the people on this earth,

he had to go pick on me.

(machine whirs and beeps)

(objects clatter)

No, don't do it, Charlie, no!

Don't do it, they'll kick us out of this place, too!

Stop, Charlie!

Stop Charlie?

(machine beeps and warbles)

Hey, hey what's goin' on?

(Scott hums)

You mean you did it all with that little dust rag?

Well, it's miraculous!

I could advertise it on my show.

I take it you accept the offer then, right?

Fantastic!

Holy thunderin' Moses, if you could clean up the city

the way you clean this putrid house,

I could win a whole bunch of wages.

Hold it a minute.

Yeah, okay.

Right here, well then.

How's it go?

No, don't say anything, don't prompt me, there.

In the name of the people in this county,

and the authority bestowed...

Upon me.

You know, I only got one serious defect.

Got no memory.

With this star, I declare you,

(Scott winces)

yeah, it's movin' isn't it?

No, it's blocked.

Oh.

("Mr. Nothingoesright" by Douglas Meakin)

* Well I'm tellin' no lie

* Every time that I try

* To do anything right I end up in a fight.

Morning, Sheriff.

Hi.

Howdy, Sheriff!

[Child] Hi! (Giggles)

- Hi, Sheriff! - Hi!

* It's amazing that I ever ever get by

* What happens to me.

[Howard] This is Happy Howard here,

we've got two news bulletins, one's good and one's bad.

The good news, this morning Monroe's got a new sheriff,

which means law and order, hopefully.

But that's a bit of bad news at the same time,

'cause if this new sheriff is as terrific

as the boys down at the barber shop maintain,

then the Eldorado Day blowout

with drinkin' bouts and fisticuffs

is bound to turn into a teetotaler's party

for the daughters of American Revolution.

However, we welcome our new Sheriff,

who's making his rounds right now.

A matter of fact, he should be comin' through

this very moment, yes sir, right on the dime.

He's passin' our radio shack just now,

and I tell you, it's a comfortin' sight to see.

I'll defend this city and its citizens with my very life

if necessary, said the big man upon takin' oath.

Have a good day, Sheriff! (Chuckles)

Yes, siree, it's a mighty fine good sight to see.

(group chatters)

Can I help you, sir?

Yeah, I'm the new sheriff.

And here I bet you wouldn't even start your patrol.

10 bucks wasted.

You can't win 'em all.

May I have a word with the manager?

Hands up!

This is a stick up! (patrons screaming)

Everybody there at the counter, go on, move it!

Move it!

Faster, damn you, faster!

Everybody up against the counter!

Hey, we're early this morning.

Usually he gets here on my coffee break.

Raise your hands!

Go on, go on!

Anybody moves, I'll blow their brains out!

What you puttin' your hands up for?

'Cause he said he'd shoot our brains out.

Mm.

(patrons scream frantically)

[Robber] Quiet back there, shut up!

Shut up!

Next woman that squawks,

I'll put a bullet down her throat!

That's the way I like it.

Nice and quiet.

Yeah, (chuckles) that's the way I like it.

[Man] Oh, no!

He's cleaned us out again.

I said no talking!

Sir, this is our new sheriff.

There's nothin' new about him.

He's like all the others.

What's your excuse, what's the matter?

Not enough pay or just plain scared?

Both.

Yeah.

Alright, keep your hands up.

You, whattya got in there?

(chuckles) In you go.

[Employee] I ain't got nothin'!

Then get out of my way!

(Giggles) Quit the ticklin' buddy.

Where's your wallet?

Don't try my patience, Sheriff.

You've got three seconds.

One, two...

- Three. - (punching thud)

I get impatient too.

Stop right there.

(punching thuds)

(robber moans)

(safe slams and clicks)

You can charge my account for the window.

As you wish, sir.

(motors rumble)

(motorcyclists yell and whoop)

[Children] Here come the zombies!

(motorists yell and cheer)

[Children] Here come the zombies!

(motors rumble)

[Robber] This is a stick up.

[Scott] Yeah, all right.

[Robber] Get your hands up everybody.

(motorists hollering and whooping)

The local roughnecks, sheriff.

They'll destroy anything they find before them.

Like a swarm of locusts.

But maybe not this time,

because as the prophet Isaiah said,

"Truth is a sovereign remedy for all affliction."

Well, here goes the sovereign truth.

So help me.

(motorists whoop and cheer) (motors rumble)

(dynamite sizzles)

(explosive booming)

[Robber] This is a stick up.

Don't anybody move.

What's going on, Howard?

Ain't nothing', Sheriff.

You just heard the Harris's Firework Cowboys.

Better known as the Dynamite Brothers.

They run a protection racket here in Monroe.

You don't pay, they blow up your store with dynamite.

(sirens blare)

It's a good thing my guys in the fire department

are head's up, they'll put out the fire in no time.

They're the snap-to Monroe Fire Brigade!

Look at 'em go!

(sirens blare)

(crowd chatters excitedly)

Nice, quiet town.

(children yell) This is Happy Howard here,

over at WHW, wow, hey, wow,

a couple of sports events of the day.

A bitty basketball championship

between Monroe and Walton's Grammar School.

Jump up, beautiful tap.

Monroe has the ball and returns it,

oops, intercepted.

There's a long pass by number 22, Simmons,

there's a lay up, missed.

Another shot and...

(whistle blows) Ooh!

Dog gone, another two points for Walter.

But have no fear, folks.

I've great faith in Monroe.

They intercept and pass it to Charlie Warren,

number 15, Monroe's newest wiz.

He fakes, he dribbles, he shoots!

(whistle blows) (crowd cheers)

Aha!

It's Charlie going the distance once again.

- Walton 40, Monroe 39. - Time!

[Howard] They're callin' time out, time out.

How we doin' over here?

[Howard] Monroe's coach Jack Lawrence

is takin' it pretty easy though, here.

He knows these boys can make it.

They got that extra push, that extra grit,

that slap me five, give me no jibe,

we're gonna make it, man-alive!

The scoreboard reads Walton 40, Monroe 39.

It's a squeaker, folks.

Okay, okay you.

You need to come up because you're the man.

We're lookin' for nothin' but great things from you, okay?

Mm-Hm.

Alright, let's go!

Monroe!

For those who just tuned in,

we're at Monroe Field for the bitty basketball

championship game.

Two team captains eye each other

like a couple of fast-drawing, pistol arrows

ready for a shoot-out.

(Scott chuckles) And I'll be darned

if Monroe's little Charlie

don't look like Gary Cooper in person.

(whistle blows)

Walton's got the ball, there are only a few seconds left,

exactly 32 seconds.

Simmons passes down court, a set shot, misses.

Oh no, look out at that guy Simmons!

Oh no, the game's over!

The game...

It bounced out!

I'll be a horned whippoorwill if it didn't bounce out!

And now Monroe's little Charlie's dribblin' the ball

down the court, dashin', dodgin' swingin' his way,

and he's got a long pocket.

There are only 12 seconds left, Charlie do something!

He's surrounded by half the Walton team,

only six seconds left!

The score's 39 to 40, in five seconds,

four seconds, three seconds, two seconds,

shoot, Charlie!

(crowd cheers) He made it!

(Scott screams)

He did it, Monroe wins!

41 to 40!

I'll be a horned whippoorwill! (Laughs)

(crowd cheers)

Hey, who are you?

Uh, I'm new in this town.

I traveled a long way to get here.

Where you from?

I, uh...

[Jack] Where you from?

The Minnesota mountains.

My name is Charlie, Charlie Warren.

Charlie Warren, hey!

[Charlie] I didn't do it on purpose, it just happened.

[Scott] I'm sorry, Charlie,

but you can't play basketball with those other kids anymore.

But why?

Because nobody on Earth can jump that high,

now stop it.

I saw basketball players who could do it.

Oh, sure, sure they can.

But they're over 20,

and they're called the Harlem Globetrotters.

I'm not 20, but I can play like the Harlem Globetrotters.

That's because you're an extraterrestrial.

And so?

So you gotta behave like Earth people do.

Like fighting with three guys, is that being earthly?

You referring to me?

I don't like it, only it's part of my job.

To drive a car, do I gotta be old like you?

Wouldn't hurt, I could tell you that much.

Oh, don't kids count on Earth?

It's not that they don't count.

Would you stop foolin' around, Charlie?

You're an extraterrestrial,

that doesn't mean you can't behave like an Earth kid does.

You've been here long enough to know all those things,

so stop the nonsense.

I get it now.

I mustn't do anything, say anything,

understand anything, just like an ignorant Earth kid, right?

Exactly, and you mustn't be vile.

(machine beeps)

What's heatin' your space lamp?

Go, faster, faster!

Over there!

Over where?

You gotta hang a right and a hard left.

I'll give you a hard left you little imp.

I'm stoppin' right here for my stomach.

I'm hungry.

Huh.

Nobody every told me what to do,

and I'm supposed to take orders from half pint like you?

Huh?

Besides, we shouldn't quarrel on an empty stomach.

All kinds of restaurants around here,

you want some fried chicken?

Pizza pie?

Or three hamburgers, a triple-decker, huh?

Thank you.

A triple hamburger.

(machine beeps)

Hey!

(midtempo rock music)

(motors hum)

(dark suspenseful music)

I'm beginning to think you need a good spankin'.

Shh, not now.

Charlie, don't give me no nonsense.

Can't you hear it?

No, not a thing.

It's there, I'm sure.

That signal is theirs.

What signal?

The aliens, they're from Dameon,

third planet of the star system Crenn.

These sounds are from their energy transformers.

Hm, you watch too much television, you know that?

Huh, Charlie?

No, I'm telling you, they're aliens!

They're dangerous, ruthless,

and they won't stop at anything!

Hm, why should that bother us any?

Hit 'em with your (mimics ray gun beeping).

You're the one who watches too much TV.

These really are aliens,

and they plan to take over the planet Earth!

Ah, stop kiddin' around, don't.

I'm not kidding!

They're armed with a super weapon.

It's a machine that saps humans of their will,

leaving them mindless.

(chuckles) Where'd you get all this information?

They came to our planet 100 beta, 300 beta periods ago.

My grandfather raced them in '23.

He used to tell me about them, honest.

Fables and stories about dragons and witches.

They used to scare me, too, when I was a kid.

I can tell you that.

Hey!

(axes pounding)

They're the ones you call aliens?

(motors humming)

[Derek] Hey, what is this?

(punching thuds) (men groan)

(axes snap)

Monkey!

I owe you an explanation, Sheriff.

You see, we're technicians

at the Telescopic Space Center at North.

Obviously, the whole area is off limits

to anyone who has no business being here,

meaning these individuals.

They should never have come here.

Seems to me you could have found another way to tell 'em.

I'm sorry, Sheriff, we don't respect your authority here.

Well, maybe you'd better start respecting it, sir.

This area is still under my jurisdiction.

Besides, any restricted zone should be fenced off

and have proper signs that say as much.

What's more, you're guilty of assault and battery.

And I can be witness to that.

We'll have to go before a judge.

Meanwhile, I declare you under arrest.

And so, as of now, I advise you,

any declaration you make may be held against you.

Held against who?

What in tarnation's going on here?

And who are you?

I'm the sheriff of Monroe

and I'm arrestin' these technicians for assault and battery.

You're not arrestin' nobody, you hear?

But it's a culpable act of aggression.

What's all this diddle-doodle have to do with anything?

This zone is a restricted military zone.

That means it is out of the jurisdiction of your village.

And while I'm on the subject, Sheriff,

you'd do well to pay a little more attention

to that lawless town of yours instead of botherin' us.

Have I made myself perfectly clear?

I'm waitin'!

Clear, clear.

If you don't pay $30,000, we blow you sky high,

that's what the Dynamite Brothers say word for word.

They no fool around, Sheriff.

And, when they do, (speaking in foreign language)?

If they come, they sit at the bar.

I lead the way, bueno.

(uptempo dance music)

Why couldn't I just wear I plain white jacket.

Oh, no senor.

You must be Americano,

like the barman that was here before you.

If they recognize you, they go get a bomb and blow you up.

Nobody knows me around here.

Gracias, Sherife.

Quit callin' me Sherife, they'll catch on.

Sheriff!

Sheriff!

Can I come in?

(Scott groans)

Hi!

You sure look fancy, Sheriff.

What are you doin' in here?

I was about to ask that to the sheriff.

Uh, well, if necessary,

a Mexican bartender was also a sheriff.

You savvy?

You do?

No.

No.

I'm here incognito.

But do you know how to be a barman?

Do I?

(chuckles) You've gotta be kiddin' son.

Trumba tropical special.

Make it strong.

A trumba what?

Yes, a trumba tropical special.

Oh, a TTS, there's no problem, senor.

Yeah, I like that, nice touch.

Don't forget the pepper, huh?

Si, senor.

It's late, Charlie, be off with you now, you hear?

To bed.

I can't, I got proof at last.

What's that mean?

That those funny men are aliens.

Still worried about aliens, huh?

Pour a little in there, yeah!

Hey, hold it!

What's cognac got to do with it?

Huh?

The aroma!

Ew, what a pervert!

I took these with my photonic x-ray lens.

What did you take?

They're pictures, take a look.

I filtered them with my triple x filter.

They're aliens alright.

(Scott hums "La Cucaracha") There's nothing human

about them at all.

[Patron] Shake it, shake it!

See, there are no bones or tissue.

You satisfied now?

They're made with alloys that don't exist on Earth.

Looks very much like my washing machine.

Hey, they egg!

You forgot the egg!

No, no, senor.

It's not the moment.

Now it is.

[Patron] Ah, what finesse.

Don't forget I like it nice and hot.

And it's gotta have a lot of pepper.

I sure love pepper.

And now, ole!

The shell and all. (Chuckles)

Man, what a connoisseur.

Hand-blended.

Too much, I'm overwhelmed.

A maraschino cherry, how beautiful.

A little pepper, too eh?

I got some more pictures, Sheriff.

And these don't only have wires in their heads.

Beat it, you should be asleep by now.

And I don't wanna see no gruesome photograph.

All right, I'm going.

My drink ready yet?

Almost, senor.

Ole, ole, ole!

It's strong.

Got a lot of pepper?

It's just right.

It's gorgeous.

(patron slurps)

Ah, fanta...

(crashing thud)

(Scott whistles)

(machine whirs)

(footsteps pound)

(dark suspenseful music)

(door buzzes)

(midtempo electronica)

(computers beep)

(machine whirs)

(H7-25 sneezes)

(alarm beeps)

[Computer] Emission of unidentifiable sound

of human origin.

Correction, of non-human origin.

(machine hums)

(device beeps rapidly)

You were stuck by an Earth man.

Yes.

[Leader] Where?

Coordination electromagnetic system.

His index circuit.

[Computer] Index circuitry testing.

Probing rods.

(machines buzz)

(device beeps)

(alien stutters rapidly)

Recall senses in circuit.

Your identification circuit.

Matricular 3, 8, process C, B, U.

Change all modular components.

(H7-25 sneezes)

[Computer] Repeated emission of unidentifiable sound

of non-human origin.

Emergency alarm!

(alarm hums and beeps)

(uptempo electronica)

(H7-25 screams)

(crowd chatters)

There ain't nobody comin' now at this time of night.

Let's get out of here.

[Bartender] Too late, senor.

[Scott] What?

Those hombres.

The Dynamite Brothers.

All of you out!

I gave you fair warning, Max!

You never did a fair thing in your whole life.

You got exactly three seconds to get out of here.

(Laughs) One, two, three, go!

Chair!

Why, you!

(objects clatter)

Oh yeah?

Oh, I got him!

(punching thuds)

[Woman] Oh, there's a man in here, help, help!

What do you need help for?

(punching thuds)

Shut it!

(man yells)

(midtempo orchestral music)

(knocking)

[Doctor] Oh, hi.

[Howard] Oh, Doc, finally.

Come in, come in.

I think you know the sheriff.

[Scott] How do you do, sir.

[Howard] What took you so long, anyway?

[Doctor] Well, I got here as fast as I could.

What's wrong with the boy?

[Howard] Well, ain't that

what you're supposed to tell us, Doc?

[Doctor] Yeah, hold my bag.

You know, when I feel a chill comin' on, Doc,

I make a sweet Sicily and marjoram herbal tea.

It's the best thing goin'.

I know all about your herbal tea, Howard.

95 proof whiskey, right?

Well, it beats your lousy medicine.

I'm sure it does.

It's a perfect remedy.

Yeah, like when it make a hee-haw,

am I thinkin' you're a donkey?

Well, you should talk, Doc.

How about the time you hooted like a mad owl?

[Doctor] Well, at least it was Halloween.

If you don't mind, I mean, this kid is sick, Doc.

Hm, sorry.

(rapid beeping)

Hm?

Huh?

Uh.

(heart pounds)

(H7-25 whimpers)

Open your mouth, son.

(whistle ascending)

The, uh, what's the?

Guilty.

I mean, nothing.

Everything's fine.

(glass pops)

Sheriff, this boy isn't normal.

That's why I put him to bed.

I mean, his sickness isn't normal.

Listen, Oral.

Maybe what's not normal are your thermometers.

Yeah.

There's nothing wrong with the thermometers

I sell in my pharmacy.

Uh-huh, except that they explode.

Sheriff, help me, we're in danger.

An invasion by aliens.

There at, I saw them.

They're at the military radio station.

Hm, (chuckles nervously) the kid's delirious, delirious!

I can see that.

Are you tryin' to teach me my job?

(H7-25 whimpers)

Don't you worry son.

I'll give him an injection.

[Scott] Easy boy, easy.

(Whimpers) Sheriff.

Yes?

They have got to come and look.

Promise me you'll come.

You'll say that I'm right.

The aliens are here, they really exist.

Promise.

Promise me.

A promise can't hurt you.

He ain't gonna remember a thing once the fever goes down.

Make him happy.

Yeah, right.

Okay, I'll promise you.

[H7-25] Thanks.

This should lower his temperature.

At least it should.

[Howard] If you say so.

[Oral] I say so.

(Sheriff groans)

Okay, young fella.

This'll only take a sec. (Hums melodically)

(shot boings)

(motorists howl and cheer)

(motors rumble)

Hey!

Get me down, somebody!

Down that a-way, that way!

[Rider] Whoa, horse!

Whoa there, whoa.

Stop train.

Big Chief ready.

- [Rider] Right on! - (laughs maniacally)

(group yells chaotically)

Get it out of the way!

What's this flag doin' here?

What do you think...

(punching thud)

(man screams)

(Howard laughs)

(man whoops and yells)

Watch out.

(punching thud)

Hittin' Indians, eh?

Ooh!

(man gargles)

28, 47, 39, hep!

(symbol crashes) (man yells)

[Skeleton] Death unto thee!

[Football Player] 39!

Heads up to 137!

(symbol crashes)

- [Employee] Who? - What?

[Employee] Oh.

[Man in Black] Pickin' on aliens, are ya?

I'll show you, where are you?

Put up your dukes.

Kill!

Oh!

Death on Earth!

(skeleton yells)

(Howard laughs)

[Man In Black] Oh, a two by four, who could ask for more?

I'll pound him once, and even up the score!

(board crashes)

(punching thuds)

[Man In White] (beeping) Judo, fist!

(man yells)

(man gargles)

[Man In Black] I can't see, I can't hear, I can't breathe.

But I can smell him!

Here, have a broad side!

(man grunting)

(bones popping)

(men yell and whoop)

Ah!

(gang yells frantically)

[Man In Blue] Now, you have to deal with me!

[Man In Black] No, way!

[Scott] Right here!

[Man In Blue] You're lower than a snake in a cellar!

In basement!

[Sheriff] In a well!

(beeping and warbling)

(gang yells frantically)

[Football Player] 39, 18, 43, 21, 47!

(punching thuds) (men groan)

(Viking groans)

[Viking] My antler's are stuck!

(punching thuds)

[Man In Red] No ticket, no laundry.

Hold on, man!

I'm sure we can iron out our differences!

(press pounds)

[Football Player] 114, 16, 6, 18!

(objects clatter)

(press whooshes)

* Oh, say can you see

* By the...

(punching thud)

(man crashes)

Yeah, let's get out.

[Man In Red] You're damn straight!

Okay boys, let's get out.

[Man In Black] Pickin' on Indians. (Groans)

[Man In Hat] This is a very dirty laundry.

Look at that, they wrecked my whole place.

What are you doin'?

Get a move on, chop, chop, chop!

Yeah, don't talk your Chinese, it's incomprehensible.

Go on, get a move on.

Go on, you two clean up the boxes!

(employees speak in foreign language)

[Man] That's Japanese, Mr. Howard.

That's Oriental, anyway.

(midtempo electronic music)

(Scott groans)

I can't leave you alone a minute, can I?

Small fry, instead of waggin' your tongue,

go back to bed.

You shouldn't be here, you're not all better yet.

Mm, no.

I'm better now.

I came here to remind you of your promise.

What promise?

You promised that we'd go and investigate the aliens

at the freaky space observatory.

Okay, a promise is a promise.

Let's go.

Halt.

You cannot go beyond this point.

Restricted military zone.

But I'm the sheriff of the City of Monroe.

My orders are not to let anyone through.

I think it's a case to make an exception

for the sheriff of Monroe.

Being sheriff does not make you special.

No exceptions.

Leave the area immediately, please.

I'm lookin' for someone who broke outta jail.

In such cases, sheriffs have the right to enter any area

of any kind, article three column A1.

Uh, yes.

Article three also states that sheriffs

shall have military police escort.

Okay, no objection.

Let's go, scallywag.

No, where is the boy going?

Only the sheriff can go through.

Article 28, the sheriff has a right to an assistant,

a deputy, to help him out.

And so?

And so he's my deputy.

[Guard] He's too little.

The article doesn't say nothin' about a person's height.

I'm not talking about his size.

I'm talking about his age.

Article zero, don't go hasslin' the sheriff.

Don't mess around, you better let him pass.

Let's go, Deputy.

("Mr. Nothingoesright" by Douglas Meakin)

[Guard] Control center, inspection underway.

Sheriff and his deputy.

(liquid bubbles)

Measuring and listening to stars.

I'd say that is our work.

Milky Way Galaxy here, and there are other panels

if you care to follow me, sir.

(machines beep and hum)

The Pegasus Constellation, Sheriff,

and the echoes of its voice.

I was lookin' for someone who broke outta jail.

I already explained that our automated control system

would instantly signal out the presence

of an unauthorized entry beyond any possibility of error.

I know, but I don't have your faith in computers.

In errors.

(beeping)

(door hums)

I doubt you'll find your escapee

in our broom closet, Sheriff.

We are forced to work to artificial life,

and we have nothing to hide.

You are a little pale.

Besides your pale complexions,

looks like you don't eat much, either.

That's because of our macrobiotic diet.

Yeah.

(H7-25 groaning)

What is it, Charlie?

Excuse me.

What are you pointin' at?

This whole place looks like a pinball machine to me.

(machines beep chaotically)

(mechanical humming)

What's he got to do with the Milky Way and Pegasus?

What you have just seen is, and must remain, a secret.

We've been trying to perfect a robot of human likeness.

Well, seein' as robots ain't human.

They make good substitutes in some cases.

To be used for many tasks.

Heavy duty work, maintenance and atomic energy plants,

interplanetary space travel lasting many light years.

It's almost like sellin' our souls to a robot deity.

Who programs the truth the robot should follow?

That's a problem.

But not as insurmountable as you should make it, Sheriff.

Actually, I'm only concerned with giving the robot

a human likeness.

As for its heart, soul and human nature,

I must perforce pass that on to my colleagues in the future.

Why the sunglasses if there's no sun?

I'm afraid there's nothing more to see, sir.

(suspenseful electronic music)

(moves into uptempo electronic music)

You did the right thing in comin' to me, Sheriff.

It's a very serious matter.

You might say the whole world's in danger.

I better let the judge know about this.

You did the right thing in comin' to me, Sheriff.

This is very serious.

The whole world's in danger.

[All But Scott] We'll have to let the mayor

know about this.

You did the right thing in comin' to me, Sheriff.

This is very serious.

The whole world is in danger.

[All But Scott] We must tell the governor about this

right away!

Let's go!

You did the right thing in comin' to me, Sheriff.

This is very serious.

The whole world's in danger.

[All But Scott] We must let the general know right away.

After you.

(dramatic suspenseful music)

(Scott sighs)

You're an instigator.

One who subverts public order.

I warned you, Sheriff.

Orders obeyed.

Awaiting new orders.

Orders obeyed.

Orders obeyed.

Orders obeyed.

Orders obeyed.

Perfect, just perfect.

They respond with complete resignation.

Their will is in our hands.

All earthlings will succumb.

And this planet will finally be ours.

But to make our plan work, I must eliminate that boy.

He's not an earthling.

(glass shatters) (dramatic electronic music)

(door creaks)

(midtempo electronic music)

(mechanical whirring)

(metal clangs)

(man screams)

Localize the energy source that pilots this toy bear!

Neutralize it, hurry!

[Robot] Neutralize toy bear.

Neutralize toy bear.

(mechanical whirring)

(crashing thud)

[Robot] No orders on the beam.

Circuits out, circuits out, circuits out, circuits out.

Circuits out, circuits out, circuits out, circuits out.

Circuits out, circuits out, circuits out, circuits out.

(mechanical whirring)

(electricity zapping)

(mechanical whirring)

(cuckoo clock chimes)

Hm.

Look up there!

(suspenseful uptempo music)

Sheriff!

Help, Sheriff!

(machines humming)

(sirens wail)

[Guard] Open up, Chad.

(guard whistles)

Hey, what do you say we put him in 46?

[Guard] Yeah, he'll like 46,

it gets a lot of sunlight. (Chuckles)

He'll like the Jodies in his cell, too. (Laughs)

You should get along great, you're just their kind.

Yeah, you'll fit in there real good.

Those Jodies are bound to give him a big welcome,

don't you think?

Yeah, with open arms. (Chuckles)

Eh, Chad?

We got a new tenant for you, boys.

Your new boyfriend, fellas.

[Chad] Fats Romero, six murders.

Kirk Rainer, four life sentences.

[Guard] What do they call him?

[Chad] The vile. (Laughs)

[Guard] That's it.

[Chad] And over there, we got the viking Henderson.

He murders to kill time. (Laughs)

[Guard] And Henry Coleman,

breeds canaries so he can strangle 'em.

Bye.

[Guard] Have fun.

[Chad] Yeah! (Chuckles)

You tired already?

Stand up, son.

Hey fellas, hadn't you noticed?

This place is a mess.

Hey, we need a good housekeeper.

Right, start with cleanin' up the John,

then sweep the floor, make my bed, do their laundry,

and do it now.

How about askin' your friends to do it?

No, senor.

Hey, the rules are made by nosotros. (Laughs)

And that means us.

(all laugh)

Okay, gentlemen.

(punching thuds)

(guards laugh)

What a beating he's getting!

I wouldn't want that the guy gets hurt.

They're gettin' carried away.

(punching thuds)

Hey, what's goin' on?

It's a fine cigar.

Another drop?

(Scott grunts)

[Inmate] I'll shine the soles, too, okay?

Yeah.

What's this, everybody gone crazy in here?

We don't mind you havin' fun,

but there's a limit.

Come on, let's establish a little order now.

Let's have a little order here, now.

Alright, that's enough out of you guys.

(men groaning) (punching thuds)

What's happenin' in there?

(rapidly punching thuds)

[Scott] Take care, now.

- See you 'round. - Bye, senor.

Hasta luego.

(footsteps pound rhythmically)

Boys, march.

Hup, two, three, four, hup.

(motor rumbles)

Charlie.

(mechanical warbling)

(belt thuds)

Charlie!

What's he up to now?

Charlie!

(Howard moans)

Good god, Mr. Howard.

What happened?

They took the boy away.

Don't ask me why.

That's right, Sheriff, I tried stoppin' 'em.

But I couldn't do nothin'.

I don't know who they are, either.

They're mighty rough, Sheriff.

You'll need help.

Don't worry about it, just let me handle it.

Make ready for the operation.

[H7-25] No!

We'll have a first humanoid robot.

No, don't!

I'm from the Pegasus Constellation,

I'm not a humanoid!

Please, help me, Sheriff!

I'll die if they operate!

Please help me, Sheriff!

(mechanical humming)

(uptempo electronica)

(riders cheer and scream)

(riders yell playfully)

(uptempo electronic music)

(riders yell playfully)

(game dings) (crowd cheers)

(crowd bustles and chatters)

(riders scream playfully)

(group cheers and applauds)

(whistle blows)

(dolphins squeak)

Citizens of Monroe, your attention.

I beg your attention, please.

I'm beggin' you people.

Listen to me.

We don't have the best reputation

when it comes to bein' law-abiding.

Our community spirit doesn't exist.

But now Monroe is in great danger,

and so is our nation.

Yet I still have faith in the people of Monroe.

They know when it's time to come to their senses.

Only one man is facing this threat

with no regard for his person.

(slow harmonica music)

(midtempo instrumental music)

(motor rumbles)

They're at our complete disposal.

They must obey.

Now all humanoids must succumb to our superior volition.

Encircle enemy.

Whistle the order.

(whistle blows)

Your enemy is the sheriff of Monroe.

(midtempo instrumental music)

(sirens wail)

[Men] Them are state troopers!

(crowd screams frantically)

(magnet hums) (metal clinks)

(crowd yells frantically)

- Come on boys! - [Officer] Let's go!

Come on!

(man screams and whoops)

(punching thuds)

(bone crunches)

(punching thuds)

(crowd screams)

Hey, hibbly-dibbly-scibbly-dibbly (mumbles).

Henceforth, henceforth, pow!

(punching thud)

(men groan)

(slapping smacks)

(animals chatter)

(bones crunch)

(punching thuds) (men groan)

(booming thud) (animal chatters)

(symbol crashes)

(punching thuds)

(animal chatters)

(punching thuds)

(men yelling)

(man crashes)

(punching thuds) (men groaning)

(slapping smacks)

(officer groans)

(ball booms)

(punching smack)

(punching thuds) (men yell and groan)

(slide whistle descends)

(punching thuds) (men yell and groan)

(slide whistle descends)

(slide whistle ascends)

(slide whistle decends)

(train whistle blows)

(men yell)

(punching smacks)

(slapping smacks)

(electronic warbling)

They're getting the upper hand.

Bolster the cataleptic import over the whole mass.

An incautious order.

You mind repeating?

An incautious order.

Insert a new behavior module.

(machine beeps)

Ah.

Ah.

Repeat, please.

A cautious and prudent order.

Bolster mass catalepsy.

(radio pings)

Check reaction.

Lower their efficiency quotient.

By two points.

(electronic warbling)

(punching smacks)

Lower another point.

(electronic twanging)

(punching thuds)

(whistle blows)

(footsteps pound)

(mechanical humming)

How is it possible he's still rebelling?

And what's he doing here?

It's possible that in his case,

our quotas don't respond.

He is brought here on logics

because of an uncontrollable attraction

to our source of energy.

Verify sensory functioning factor.

Insert computer.

[Computer] Humanoid ordered to come forward.

To come forward.

Stop.

[Leader] Proceed to position 22.

[Computer] Computer to humanoid, veer to right.

Come forward 10 paces.

Come forward, come forward, come forward, come forward.

(computer laughs)

His resistance coefficient is simply running wild.

Drop it another two points.

[Computer] Humanoid, recede, recede, recede, recede,

stop, veer to left.

Forward, subject endowed with superior energy.

Lower yet, drop.

[Computer] Reaction test necessary,

reaction test necessary.

Stop.

We'll soon find out, now.

(punching thud)

(punching thud) (Scott chuckles)

(thud reverberates)

(symbol crashes)

(objects clatter)

Mayday, mayday, for reaction test, find another way.

It's not clear, what's the data?

Interrogate computer.

[Computer] Humanoid immune to our energy.

He radiates biomagnetic energy.

Emergency, emergency.

Proceed, eliminate him.

(machines buzzing and whirring)

(punching thud) Circuit's out.

Missed.

Try again!

Humanoid defeated.

(punching thud)

That's what you think!

[Robot] Miss, miss, miss.

(electricity zapping)

Miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss, miss.

Who are you?

Alien, schmalien.

Robot, rob-ot.

Humpty robot sat on wall,

Humpty robot had great fall.

- Miss, miss. - You're an alien, schmalien.

Humpty robot together again.

Humpty robot had great fall, great fall.

[Robots] Robots hit.

Robots hit.

Robot hit.

Robot hit.

Thank you.

Robot miss, robot miss.

Robot miss.

Robot.

Miss.

Hit.

[Robot] Circuits out, circuits out.

You're an alien schmalien.

Energize, galvanize, magnetize,

otherwise, electrobytes, circuits out.

Circuits out.

Humpty robot blows a fuse,

goes around without any shoes.

[Robot] Alien schmalien.

[Robot] Thank you.

[Robot] Don't mention, thank you.

May I have this dance?

I'd rather sit this one out.

[Robot] May I have this dance?

[Robot] I'd rather sit this one out.

[Robot] May I have this dance?

[Robot] I'd rather sit this one out.

[Robot] May I have this dance?

[Robot] I'd rather sit this one out.

[Computer] Emergency, emergency.

Proceed for auto destruction.

(robots chattering chaotically)

Emergency, emergency.

Proceed for auto destruction.

Emergency, emergency.

Proceed for auto destruction.

(electronic warble) (glass shatters)

Sheriff!

Sheriff, you saved me!

(Scott chuckles)

(robots chatter chaotically)

(H7-25 giggles)

(festive marching band music)

[Howard] Yes siree, ladies and gentlemen,

thanks to our Sheriff,

today's the best Eldorado Day in Monroe history.

(crowd cheers)

[Skeleton] It's a great life.

(helicopters whir)

This is your one and only Happy Howard,

ladies and gentlemen.

With all the news that's fit to play

over the radio, WHW, wow, hey wow!

(crowd cheers)

(helicopters whir) (dramatic orchestral music)

Hold it!

Just as I expected.

Consign that boy over to me immediately.

I can't, I'm sorry.

[Captain] Why can't you?

'Cause we got a rendezvous with the kid's spaceship.

Obviously, you think you're talking

to a pig-headed idiot who doesn't know his enemy.

Yeah.

That's right.

(Chuckles) He does.

(electronic warbling)

Goodbye, Earth!

And thanks!

(machine beeps)

I think I turned you into an extraterrestrial.

Hm, well just tell me this, Charlie.

("Mr. Nothingoesright" by Douglas Meakin)

* Well I'm tellin' no lie

* Every time that I try

* To do anything right I end up in a fight

* Nearly every night

* And the lady I'm with

* Well she usually says

* Goodbye.

* It's amazing that I ever ever get by

* What happens to me

* I think you'd agree

* Like dinner for two,

* Well what would you do

* I ask for the bill and to my despair

* And my money's not there

* Mr. Nothingoesright, everything's wrong

* Nothing goes right, leave him alone

* Let me go home, look at him now

* Leave him alone to cry

* Even at school I was the fool

* Breakin' my neck, oh what the heck

* Mr. Nothingoesright, everything's wrong

* Leave him alone and let him go home

* I'm tired of livin', I think I'll give in

* 'Cause I just keep on hurtin' myself

* I'm going' crazy

* I'm tired and lazy

* And so to keep out of trouble

* I won't even get out my bed

* I'm tired of livin', I think I'll give in

* 'Cause I just keep on hurtin' myself

* I'm going crazy, I'm tired and lazy

* And so to keep out of trouble

* I won't even get out my bed

* Take a look at me now, what have you done

* I'll show you how, have you some fun

* I'll do it again

* Look at me now, playin' the game of fools

* Nothing goes right and it's so wrong

* Even in tryin' to sing this song, sing it again

* I'll sing it again, sing it again

* And we'll go home

* It's a terrible shame, what a big mess

* Am I to blame, makin' mistakes

* Look at me now, he's been tryin' so hard

* Nothing goes right and it's so wrong

* Even in tryin' to sing this song

* Sing it again

* Sing it again and we'll go home