Original subtitles

[overlapping chatter]

- There he is, John Hancock!

- Anybody need a signature?

[all cheer]

You guys, thank you so much for coming.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Oh! - We wouldn’t miss it.

- Family for everything.

- So what’d you think of the play?

\h- I thought, "Wow, look, there’s Arturo

just...doing it."

- Yes, you were doing \h\h\hso much acting.

- Yes.

- Very historical.

\h- I thought you were great, tío.

- Thank you, Maribel. How are you doing?

Are you so stoked about your quinceañera?

- I’m not having \ha quinceañera.

- Wh-wh-why not?

\h- Well, money’s been tight ever since her father left.

I’m working two jobs.

- Oh.

- We’re just having \h\h\hcake at home.

\hIt’s fine. I’ll be fine.

- No, everybody should have \h\h\h\h\h\ha quinceañera.

Even some of us didn’t get to because

of gender-normative rules, but, you know, who cares?

I’m over it.

Tell you what: you are going to have the best quinceañera ever

’cause I’m gonna throw it for you.

\h\h- Really? - Hell yeah.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hCome on. [both imitate explosions]

Venga.

- Are you sure, Arturo?

I’m not gonna have \hany time to help.

- Oh, no, I’ll take care of everything.

You don’t have to lift a finger.

I love planning parties. I’m very good at it.

Besides, a quinceañera’s just a bunch of kids.

Like, how hard can it be, you know?

\h\h\h- You have no idea what you’re getting into.

- Oh, hey, tío, thanks for coming.

- You should thank me.

That play was a real \h\h\hpiece of shit.

- Note taken.

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

\h\h\h\h- Man, that was some gangsta-ass shit last night.

- Yeah, cabrón, OG as fuck.

- Yo, check out this guy.

- What’s up, little homies?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Respect. - Respectó, respectó siempre.

What you fools talking about, eh?

- Ivan tagged up a Rite Aid over on San Pedro Street.

- Yeah, it was so gangsta.

No, no, no, no. \h\hIt was OG.

- That’s what’s up.

- Shit, man, you young bloods don’t know shit.

Wanna know what’s OG? \h\h\h\h- What’s up?

- Back in the day, ése, we had to call people like this.

- Okay, so what?

- Shut the fuck up, fool.

I’m still dialing.

Hello? Yo, what’s up, homes?

I’ll talk to you later, okay?

Orale.

- Damn, that’s what’s up.

\h- Hell yeah. Respect the OG.

- So he used a rotary phone \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hwhen he was a kid.

How is that OG?

- You know what’s real gangster, homes?

I had to relearn how to walk, ése,

’cause I got polio on my 30th birthday, bro.

- Damn, B! That’s OG.

- Respect to the OG. \h\h\h\h\h- Come on.

- Yo, you ever ride a horse,

not like for fun but to get around and shit?

- Respect to the OG.

- Yo, stop saying that.

- If I ever had to smoke a fool,

I had to put a little metal ball down my piece

and then a lot of gunpowder in it

and then wackety, wackety, wackety with a long stick,

light that fuse and zacate!

- Are you talking \h\habout a musket?

- OG right there.

- You fools don’t know how good you have it, ése.

If I wanted to hang out with my homies like this,

it took a minute.

There was only one continent, man.

That’s a lot of ground to cover,

you know what I’m saying?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Yo, dog, when are you from?

- H-I-J-K-L-M-N-OG.

OG, papo.

- You see, when I was your age,

the air was always cold, ése, always cold

’cause the atmosphere was, like,

half as thick as it is now and shit.

It didn’t matter to us, bro.

Me and my homies was fish anyway, you feel me?

Glug, glug, motherfucker. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hboth: OG!

- Enough! Ciante!

This guy’s not OG!

None of these things \h\h\h\h\h\hare OG at all.

\h\h\hThis dude’s just a busted-ass poser.

[intense music]

♪ ♪

- Ooh.

- A pox on your clica, ése.

- Hey, what’s wrong with you, \h\h\h\hfool? Respect the OG.

\h\h\h\h- Why you on this dude’s ass?

- Whoa, whoa, check it out, fool!

- True OG.

[bicycle bell rings]

- I have so many \hquestions, man.

[cool percussive music]

- You guys have been so amazing

coming to all our baby events.

Thank you.

The shower, the sprinkle,

and today, finally, the gender reveal.

It’s the last one, though, I promise.

- Great.

- [laughing] Just kidding.

Then there’s the sip ’n’ see.

- Right, the sip ’n’ see.

- Whoo! Exactly.

- Anyways, Armando’s the only \h\h\h\hone who knows the gender.

\h\hI’m gonna be surprised too.

He set this all up, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hso sweet.

- Oh, well, somebody had to,

and you can only reveal it once, you know?

And I think I planned something really, really cool.

You guys are gonna love it.

[chuckles] Hmm.

\h\h\h\h\h\h- Pink lemonade. - [gasps] That’s the reveal?

We’re having a little girl. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hOh, honey.

- I just knew it.

- No, Mom, no. I mean--

I mean, that’s not the reveal.

The reveal is so much cooler. You guys are gonna love it.

Oh, let me just clean this up.

So wait till you see it.

- Blue paper towels?

\h\h- [gasps] It’s a boy.

- Aw. - Oh.

- Congrats, man.

- No, no. No, no, that’s not the reveal.

I wouldn’t plan the whole reveal over some paper towels.

What am I, an amateur?

No, when you see it, your heads are gonna spin

’cause it’s gonna be awesome.

Am I right, Mom? What’s up?

[laughs]

[fabric rips]

\h\h- [gasps] Pink boxers.

- You little devil, you! \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hIt is a girl!

- Oh, I told you \h\h\h\h\h\hI knew it.

- No, Mom, that’s not the reveal.

That’s just really embarrassing.

[fireworks whistling] \h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Ooh!

- Blue fireworks. \h\h- It’s a boy.

- Wow, you went all out, \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hmy friend.

- No, no, no, no, that is not the reveal.

\h\h\h\h\hYou will know when the reveal happens

because your heads will be \h\h\h\hspinning, spinning,

’cause it’s gonna be \h\h\h\hso cool, ha,

’cause I’m a great planner \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\hof things.

So let’s just ignore this, okay?

- Purple blinds.

- He’s letting the baby decide for themselves.

- Oh, that’s so progressive.

- Everybody shut up! \h\h\h\h\h\hShut up!

Of course I wouldn’t plan it \h\h\h\h\h\hover some blinds.

Are you crazy? Are you cuckoo?

You’re not, right?

So everybody just chill out

and let me show you the amazing reveal,

\hthe coolest reveal that you’ll ever see

that I planned for all of you.

- Thank you for having us, but we’re gonna get going.

- Nobody moves until I reveal the gender of my baby.

You understand me?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Armando, you’re scaring us.

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Am I? - My water just broke.

- No, honey, no.

Not right now! No, not yet!

Honey, this is so selfish of you!

\h\h\h\h\h- Just breathe. The baby’s crowning.

- Okay, nobody look at my baby’s genitals!

Nobody look at them!

Here, here, open the box.

- Open it now, honey.

- Now? - Yeah.

Open it.

\h\h\hHuh? - [gasping]

Huh? [laughs]

It’s a girl! It’s a girl!

Now that’s a fucking gender reveal, am I right?

[baby crying]

- I think it’s time \h\hfor you to go.

- I agree.

I agree.

- Oh, it’s a boy.

- God damn it!

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

- Yes, I understand what you're saying.

Okay, but do you understand how having 25 fuchsia tablecloths

does not help me when I have 30 tables?

What am I supposed to have, 5 naked tables?

That would be ridiculous.

- [whispers] This is fascinating.

- Do I want another color?

Are you serious?

Fuchsia is the only color, sir. Thank you.

[whispers] Can you believe this?

- No, I cannot. - Mm-mm.

- Yes, I'll hold.

This or this?

- Uh... - This or this?

- That one. That one. That one. That one.

But I gotta see it on you 'cause I wanna get the feel.

Okay, pose like a 15-year-old girl.

- Dance around a little. I gotta see how it dances.

- Mm-hmm, you're a woman. Be a woman.

You're growing into a woman now.

- Oh, I see what you're doing.

- Well, I think you look beautiful.

- Thank you, Chris. Thank you.

- So, uh, what do you guys think?

all: Aw.

- Very cute.

- I just want it to be more sparkly, you know?

I want you to pop, you know?

- Yeah, I don't really like it either.

- Oh, cool, just try another one.

- Yeah, yeah, there's tons more.

- Oh, you'll find the perfect one.

Anything you want.

[gasping] There's so many dresses.

They're so expensive.

No, I can't come in to see colors tomorrow.

I'm a very busy man, okay?

Alexa, what's on my schedule for tomorrow?

- No appointments are scheduled for tomorrow.

- Alexa, cancel all my auditions for tomorrow, please.

- There's nothing on your calendar tomorrow.

- Uh, Alexa, can you make something up

so Arturo's not humiliated in front of his friends?

- Okay, I'm clearly getting no support, so...

- We're trying to support you, man.

It's just kinda--kinda crazy. Are you okay?

- [sighs] No, dude. I just...

She's had a really tough run of it lately,

and I just want it to be perfect, you know,

but the worst part is, I thought the "Hancock" money

was gonna be enough to cover the budget.

I almost blew all of it already just on the venue alone.

It's a church basement.

- Jesus wouldn't charge that.

- She is about to become a young woman in front

of my whole family, and they all think I can't do this.

[laughs]

[gasping] I can't do this.

God, I can't do this. I suck at it. I'm so bad.

- No, you can do this.

You're doing a really sweet thing.

- I still need a band and I need dancers

and I need decorations...

And a new tiara. That's crap.

- Get out of this funk, man.

You can do this, all right?

I know some dancers. I bet you I can get 'em for cheap.

- Really? - Yeah.

And I can help you decorate.

- That'd be incredible. - Mm-hmm.

- Oh, and my mariachi band can play.

- Wait, you have a mari-- never mind.

Sure, you're hired. - Cool.

- Oh.

- This is the one.

- Ah. - Aw.

- Honey, you look-- you look perfect.

Are you sure?

- Oh, that one was still in there, huh?

- Yeah, it's very pretty. I like--

Why are you crying?

- I'm just so... [gulps]

[whispers] Happy for you.

Happy.

Happy tears.

[cool percussive music]

[upbeat music] [overlapping chatter]

[door slams]

- Hey, Tina. Hey, Paul.

- Oh, hey. - I'm sorry I'm late.

I was already running a little behind,

and then my Lyft was taking forever.

Oh, and when I was getting ready for the party,

I fell down in the shower.

- Oh, no worries. Lyfts can be tough.

- Mm-hmm.

- What was that about the shower?

- Oh, no big deal.

I was taking a shower

and I slipped and then I fell down.

- Oh.

- Paul, Tina, congratulations.

- Thanks, man.

It's good to see you. - Hey.

Hey, Benny. - Hey, Roger.

Oh, just so you know,

I fell down in the shower earlier today.

- [laughs]

Okay, wait, what?

- Oh, I was taking a shower before the party,

and then I slipped and I fell down.

I'm okay, you know.

Just one of those things.

- It's okay, Benny. It's not a big deal.

- Yeah, I know.

I just felt since I told you guys,

I should tell Roger, you know?

I don't want him to be like,

"Hey, what's this thing about the shower?"

or, "Why didn't you tell me about the shower?

Does he hate me?"

So, Roger, I'm telling you now.

Uh, I fell in the shower, I'm fine,

and I do not hate you. I don't.

- Okay, man.

- Oh, do you guys know of a place around here

that sells handlebars that you can install in the shower?

Well, not a shower, in my shower.

- We're gonna go play host.

- Yes.

- I am so happy for Paul and Tina.

- Oh, definitely. They're the best couple.

I could tell he was gonna propose.

- Oh, totally.

I fell in the shower today,

and I have a rubber shower mat too.

What is up with that, you know?

- Why are you telling us?

- Oh, I just felt we sorta covered

the whole Tina-and-Paul thing, you know?

It's like, what else is there to talk about?

- Oh. - Oh.

- It's crazy how so many rubber things that we think

are sticky and grippy aren't that sticky at all.

For example, there's a lot of shower mats out there.

They say they're made out of this rubbery, sticky material,

but then people buy them and they find out

they're not very sticky on feet, like, at all, you know?

- Sorry, but we just told you that we didn't want

to talk about how you fell down in the shower anymore.

- I'm not talking about falling in the shower.

I'm talking about rubber mats.

How is that the same thing?

One is about a piece of rubber about yay big,

and the other one is about me toppling over in the shower

and splitting my bathing suit in half

and now having to take it to an expensive tailor.

- You wear a bathing suit in the shower?

- I do, yeah. [slurps]

- Can you tell me where you got that drink?

- Oh, um, Paul and Tina didn't have anything I liked,

so I just popped out for a second.

Do you guys know if there's gonna be

McNuggets here later, or...

do you have to pop out for that too?

- That is so scary.

I had a friend, slipped in the shower, hit her head.

She was out for, like, three hours.

Her sister-in-law didn't find--

- Is your friend here right now?

- Oh, no.

- Oh, okay, 'cause I was kind of talking about me.

I really don't know how we got into

this whole thing about an unnamed friend.

- I'm sorry. I'm going to end this conversation.

You seem like a nice person, but you're very rude.

[glass clinking]

- So I know I was getting a little emotional and rambly...

- You took forever, yeah.

- Um, but I really love you guys,

and I wish you nothing but the best.

To Paul and Tina. - To Paul and Tina.

[glasses clinking]

- I'll make a toast. - No, Benny, please.

- So, um, I fell in the shower today.

Oh, McNugget.

It's never happened to me before,

and I'm thinking about getting one of those shower chairs.

- Benny, enough! - What?

- You've been talking about this all night.

No one cares.

[poignant music]

- No one cares?

Hal? - No.

- Chad.

Vivian, you care a little bit, yeah?

- I care.

- I have serious problems with you.

- Okay.

- Well, I feel like dirt.

I'm sorry that I ruined everybody's good time.

I'm gonna use the restroom, and then I will go.

[door slams] Help!

Help! Somebody please help me!

- Let me guess, you fell down in the shower?

- Uh, no, he has his foot stuck in the toilet.

- Please help me, somebody.

Please not Jessica.

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

? ?

[upbeat Latin dance music]

- Hey, guys. Whoa, that's a lot of churros.

[laughs] They're surprisingly expensive.

[laughs] Don't eat too many.

Where the hell are my lights?

Okay, let's get that disco ball spinning, please.

Thank you so much. Hi! Hey!

I didn't see you. Maya, you look wonderful.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, the bar is only open for five more minutes.

After that, it is cash only.

Yes, I'm charging at a quince,

and I'm super broke. Do not judge me today.

Jen, Seaton, we ready?

- Ready to go. - On it.

- Chris, all right, man, you ready?

- Yeah. - All right, great.

Chris, are those three white guys dressed as mariachis?

- Yeah, man, it's my band.

- Okay, I'll be mad about this later.

Okay, when the balloons drop, you start playing, great?

- Okay. - Okay.

Hey. [laughs] Not cool.

Not cool. Very not cool.

[knock on door]

No, I said one churro per person.

What is this, Christmas?

Look at you. You're a vision.

- I'm excited. My dress is so sparkly!

- I may have spent five hours last night

gluing some extra rhinestones, so try not to move too much.

- Thank you for all of this.

- Well, you're family, Maribel. I'd do anything for you.

Plus, you have excellent taste in theater.

I mean, that "Hancock" performance, really.

- Well, I mean, I don't think John Hancock

ever said, "Cool beans," but, you know, you did really well.

- Thank you. That was an improv.

- I could tell.

[both imitate explosion]

- You're ready. Let's do this.

[upbeat Latin dance music]

of one of my favorite people in the world: Queen Maribel.

[applause]

Oh!

Cue balloons.

Jen, hi. - Hi.

- Are these funeral balloons?

- Well, given our time constraint

and budget of zero dollars, I think I did a very nice job.

- ? When a girl walks in with an itty, bitty waist ?

- Oh, no.

- ? And a round thing in your face, you get sprung ?

? Wanna pull up tough ?

? 'Cause you notice that butt was stuffed ?

- Hey, Chris? - Yeah?

- Is that a mariachi version of "Baby Got Back"?

- Yeah, isn't it great?

- No! It's so inappropriate!

[chuckles] All right, Seton, cue the dancers.

I need a distraction now.

- ? Oh, Rump-o'-smooth-skin ?

? You say you wanna get in my Benz? ?

? Well, use me, use me ?

? 'Cause you ain't that average groupie ?

- Oh, God. Oh, God.

- ? I've seen her dancin'... ?

- What the hell, man?

I thought you said they were dancers?

- Well, they are dancers.

But don't worry. I asked them to tone it down.

- Does this look toned-down to you, man?

- Hell yeah.

You should see 'em on the weekends.

It is very sexual.

- Okay, okay, okay, stop, stop, stop!

Everybody stop! Stop it!

Just stop for a second, okay?

- Arturo, I am very disappointed.

Let's go.

- I'm sorry, I-- - Mm.

- This party was a real piece of shit.

- Yeah, note taken.

[cool percussive music]

- All right, people, let's look alive.

We're coming back in from commercial in 3, 2...

[applause]

- Ladies and gentlemen, John Regale.

[cheers and applause]

[gentle music]

? ?

- ? Hey, girl ?

? You set my heart on fire ?

? Its heat takes me ever higher ?

? Ever burning with desire ?

- All right, let's ready camera two.

Push in, and...go.

- ? Fuego ?

- Wow, that's a-- that's a lot of candles.

- ? Your burning flame ?

? I feel it in your name ?

? One touch, I'll never be the same ?

- Oh, what a shirt.

So beautiful.

- Yeah, so flowy and so close to the candles.

Oh, man, I really wish we would have rehearsed this.

- [laughs] John Regale doesn't rehearse.

Everybody knows that.

- ? On my skin, I feel your glow ?

? Gimme all of your fuego ?

? Yours is a love that can't be scared away ?

[audience screaming]

- Are those scarecrows?

Are there actual scarecrows onstage right now?

What the hell's this song about, anyway?

- The song is obviously about fire, Dave.

- Tom, I swear to God.

- ? You make my heart beat faster ?

? In this game, you are the master ?

? Burning like... ?

- Oh, God. Oh, God.

What is he doing? What is he doing?

Okay, please tell me there's no actual hydrogen

in that mini "Hindenburg."

- John Regale believes in 100% authenticity

for each performance.

- ? Fuego ?

? Oh, oh, oh ?

- Yes! Yes! We did it! We got through the whole song

and nobody--nobody caught on fire!

Yes! - Aye!

[audience screaming]

- Cut to commercial.

[screaming continues]

[cool percussive music]

[cool percussive music]

♪ ♪

[overlapping chatter]

- Oh, honey, I’m so sorry I ruined your party.

Um, I rushed it, you know, and, uh...

- Are you kidding? \hThis is amazing.

- It--it is?

\h- Yeah. You guys, are you having fun?

\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- Best quince ever. These balloons are hilarious.

- And the band is awesome. \h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h\h- See?

- Yeah, but the aunts and uncles are leaving.

- Good. Let them all leave.

- Yeah, this is the first \h\h\h\h\h\hquince I’ve been to

that doesn’t have a bunch \h\h\h\hof freaky old people.

\h\h\h- I’m just happy that you care enough to do this.

Now let’s have some fun.

Hit it, mariachis.

[trumpet fanfare]

[bass-heavy hip-hop beat]

- ♪ I like big butts, \hand I cannot lie ♪

♪ You other brothers \h\h\h\hcan’t deny ♪

♪ That when a girl walks in with an itty, bitty waist ♪

- Oh, no, excuse me.

Hey, hey, sorry, do you mind if we tone it down a little bit?

This is a party for teenagers, you know?

- It’s all good. I am a teenager.

- Nope, nope. No, no.

Okay, we’re putting clothes on.

How about some food? We’ve got great food.

Just no churros, if you \hdon’t mind. Thank you.