All language subtitles for How.to.be.Single.2016.720p.BluRay.x264-GECKOS.HI

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL WHOOPING AND CHEERING)

ALICE: There is a right way to be single.

Hey. How are you?

(CHUCKLES) Hi.

Oh, when's your wedding?

Eighteen months
after I meet the right guy.

Okay.

ALICE: And a wrong way to be single.

And then there's this guy.

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Good morning.

Hi. You want a hand with that?

ALICE: We're embarrassed
to admit we're single,

and try to pretend that we're not.

- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)
- (SNORING)

NURSE: We need you in Exam Room 3.

ALICE: We're supposed to act
all cheerful and happy about it.

What?

But why should we be embarrassed?

We're living longer, marrying later

and refusing to leave the party
before we're really, really done.

So, why do we always tell our
stories through relationships?

Where's home?

Oh, I'm not going home.

No way.

- (CLATTERS)
- Shit.

(GASPS) Oh, my God.
(SING-SONG VOICE) Oh, my God.

- Here, here.
- Oh, my God, oh, my God...

I gotcha. Here you go.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I did not think this through.

(LAUGHING)

(GIGGLES AND SNORTS)

I'm Josh.

I'm Alice.

ALICE: But this story
isn't about relationships.

It's about all those times in between

when maybe, just maybe,
our real life is happening.

This isn't a break-up. Okay?

We're just taking some time apart.

It's temporary. Like, it's...
You know, it's like a break.

Bullshit!

(SIGHS) Josh, I've never been on my own.

I went from living with my parents,

to living in a dorm, to living with you.

But we're happy, Alice.

- Are we?
- Yeah.

Or are we just boring?

I'm not boring. I'm fucking fun.

I say I'm gonna do things all the time,
and I never, ever do them.

Like, I'm gonna learn to cook,
or take a self-defense class

or I'm gonna hike the Grand Canyon,

and I never, ever do it.

That's not my fault.

You said the boots made your feet hurt.

Look, if we really want this
to work long term...

I need to know who I am alone

and I don't want to spend my life
wondering "What if?"

This is stupid.

The minute you walk out of here

you're gonna realize
how much shit I do for you

and how great I am
and how much you need me,

and you're gonna start stalking me.

- (CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
- And that's sad.

(EXHALES)

This is gonna be great for both of us.

Yeah.

We need to know what it's like
to be single, at least once.

Can't you just fuck one of my friends?

- (CHUCKLES)
- Just do something to make me hate you.

This is gonna be the right thing.

Oh, God.

- I'm gonna miss your boobs.
- (CHUCKLES)

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Does this make it work?

Yes! Yes.

There, good. Good.

No. No, no.

(GASPS) Yes. Yes. Okay.

Yes. Yes, yes, good. Oh!

MAN: Whoa! Whoa!

(POP MUSIC CONTINUES)

- (SCREAMS)
- Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh! Oh!

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm cooking you breakfast!

No, okay. I don't do breakfast.

Right? You need to get out!

You're in my apartment!

Put the...

This is not my apartment.

Fuck. Sorry.

I might be a little drunk.

Oh.

I might actually
wipe my fingerprints off that.

You were great last night.

- Was I?
- (WHISPERS) I can't remember.

MEG: Okay, let's go to your happy place.

What if I poop?

- I won't even notice.
- Oh, God.

It's totally natural.

Women have been doing this
for thousands of years, okay?

(PANTING) Yeah?
How many babies have you had?

Well, I've delivered about 3,000 of them.

Didn't you want one?

You know what?

I just felt like society

doesn't let you pursue your dreams

once you have children.

And I didn't feel like

I wanted to give up my identity

to be a slave to some
tiny little love-terrorist.

You know? Plus, your body falls to shit,

and you have no time to exercise

and forget about sleep
for the rest of your life, right?

Oh, no, honey! No, no, no,
no, no, no. You can do it!

No, I can't. My body went to shit.

My body went to shit. It did.

(CRYING)
And my vagina's so loose, already!

- Let's push!
- Okay.

- MEG: Yay!
- (SCREAMING)

Is that poop or a baby?

It's not a baby.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Robin? This is Alice, our new paralegal.

Will you give her the tour, please?

Yes, of course.

- Thank you.
- (SIGHS)

Hi, I'm Alice.

- Hi.
- It's so nice to meet you.

Yeah. Oh, sorry,
my hands are a little bit creamy.

- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
- Okay. All right. (CLEARS THROAT)

Welcome to the law firm of some guy,

some other guy, and some Jewish guy.

Just kidding. They're all Jewish.

I'm really excited to be here.

This was actually one of my top choices.

That closet there, is really good

for making personal calls.

But whatever you do,
do not hook up in this copy room.

One, it's just, like, so cliché.

And two, there's a security camera.

Oh, I'm not really hooking up
with anybody right now

because recently, I actually...

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.

They do record the footage.

So, unless a leaked sex tape
is part of your two-year plan,

(SWALLOWS)
I'd recommend hooking up in the...

(INAUDIBLE)

You'll never know our secrets.

You'll never know!

Whoo!

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNORTS DERISIVELY)

Excuse me. That's none of your business.

You're kind of making it
my business, here.

Look, I just moved in upstairs
and my Wi-Fi sucks.

So, if I have to listen
to every drunk asshole

stumble out of here at 5:00 a.m.,

I'm at least gonna use your free Internet.

Wow. Okay, hi. Um...
(CLEARS THROAT)

- I'm Tom. And...
- Hi.

If you're gonna be using my free Wi-Fi,

at least you can do me a favor
and not write shit like,

"I want to wake up with my best friend."

Unless you want my dick to fall off.

And then maybe
we could become best friends,

and that'd be awesome.

Look, I spent half of last year
creating an algorithm

that trolls dating apps
for the best candidates

and downloads them
into an Excel spreadsheet.

So, I know what I'm looking for.

Yeah, that's not weird at all.

What are you really doing online?

I mean, you're a pretty girl.

This is New York City.

There's like a billion people
outside that door.

Yeah, but how many eligible people?

Here. Okay, there are eight
million people in this city.

- Sounds like a lot, right?
- It does.

But, half of them are women.

And as hard as I tried in college,

I don't swing that way.

- How hard did you try?
- Let it go.

- Okay.
- So, four million men.

And then you got to have some age limits.

- Let's say over 20.
- Gotta keep it legal.

- Under 40.
- Keep it sexy.

Now, it's a million.

Right. We're talking about a million guys.

But half of them are married.

10% are gay.

I want someone college educated.

Not too ugly.

- So...
- There's your boyfriend.

I wish.

He's got to be taller than me...

- (CHUCKLES)
- And he's got to want kids.

So, yeah, I'm on 10 different
dating websites to increase my odds.

So, what do you say?

You let me treat this bar
like it's my living room

and I won't call the cops every night
with a noise complaint.

Okay. Very cute.

- These are the women?
- Hmm.

Thanks.

Mmm. Mmm.

See you around.

Stupid.

Have a nice night.

Wait. What? Where are you going?

I'm going home.

What?

I never want to hear you
say that again. Ugh!

You're single now, okay?
You do not go home!

You shouldn't even have a home.

You should just have 500 square feet

where you keep some clothes
and occasionally bathe.

Well, okay, technically,
I'm not, like, single.

We're just on a break.

Uh, there's no such thing as a "break,"

Season-3 Ross.

No, we really are on a break.

We're just taking
a little bit of time apart

to make sure
we really want to be together.

Oh, so you're on some
kind of sexual rumspringa?

- No.
- Why didn't you say anything?

I could've made you take a half-day!

It was my first day at work.

Rumspringa!

What? No! Where are we going? (LAUGHS)

Ask me for a rum and coke
if you think you're gonna die.

Get out of here!

Uh... You said on your profile
you're a big dreamer.

No, please. (CHUCKLES)

No, no, I think I want
what everybody wants.

Cross off some things on the bucket list.

So, what is on your bucket list?

Usual stuff.

- Uh, Wrigley Fields.
- Mmm...

- Dolphin Trainer.
- Oh, boy.

Oh, my God. I love dolphins.

Loved, since forever.

Wow, no, no, you know, because the normal
ones are already checked off, you know?

- Mmm-hmm.
- Hot Carl.

- Dirty Sanchez.
- Yeah, that's...

- Golden Shower. That one.
- Oh.

I actually checked off by accident.

Thank you, prom. (CHUCKLES)

So, these aren't career goals
or life goals.

These are more sexual things.

Have you ever heard of the Whack-a-Mole?

Rum and coke.

Rum and Coke? Really?

I didn't think you'd want to do

a Rum and Coke with me on our first date.

- Um, rum and coke?
- I got to find a live hamster.

So, I guess I could trap a street rat.

I mean, we are in New York.

- Rum and coke!
- I got to go shave my legs.

- Drink more water.
- Oh. Okay.

Yo.

Go lock yourself in my office.

Thank you.

- (POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- Here we go.

Let me teach you how to be single.

Okay, lesson one. Go get us some drinks.

Okay.

No. That was a trick.

You don't buy the drinks.
Boys buy the drinks.

It's kind of like a sexual currency
that they use,

so they're not actually
paying you to hook up.

So, go get us a drink.

- Okay.
- Not... Not with this wallet.

- Okay.
- With the sausage wallet.

Which of you is buying oil right now?

Do you know how much...

Hey, what's up, y'all? (CHUCKLES)

I don't know why I just said "y'all."

"You all" would have taken
just as much time.

And I'm not even from the South,

I'm from Portland.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Which is southern from Canada.

Are y'all Canadian?

I just did it again, I said it again.

My system should have weeded him out.

You probably read your data wrong.

I bet that guy told you
exactly who he was.

You just didn't want to hear it.

I tell the truth to girls all the time.

They hear what they want to hear.

That sounds like a load of crap.

(WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

I'm not kidding. Watch this.

- Hey, sweetheart. Hey.
- Hi.

Hey, uh, you know we're only
sleeping together for fun, right?

Because I'm not interested
in long-term relationships,

so I think I'm gonna start
seeing other people

and I think you should move on, too.

Because I care about you,

and I don't want to see you get hurt.

Oh, I care about you, too.

Yeah. Hmm.

Wow.

You guys are super dressed-up. Funeral?

Oh, my God. Okay, bye.

That was a really bad idea.

This is stupid.
I should probably just go home.

- It's better.
- No, are you kidding?

You have a small window

in which to bang your way
through New York City.

No, Josh and I didn't break up
so I could see other people.

I'm trying to figure out who I am.

Then why don't you take this,

go home and stare at your beave?

Look, I'm just gonna
choose for you. All right?

Um... (GASPS) I know.

I would like to see your tongue
in that bartender's face.

ALICE: What?

ROBIN: Don't worry, I know him.

He's like a palate cleanser.
He's sexual sorbet.

That guy?

Yeah. I've heard he's really good in bed.

From myself,
because I might have slept with him.

I can't really remember.

Maybe, uh... It was winter.

Maybe I just used his dick
as a scarf. Let's go.

What?

Hey, Tom.

This is Alice. She's newly single

and needs to hook up
with a random stranger.

- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
- Let me buy you a drink. Here you go.

- Thanks.
- Uh, thanks.

- Let me buy you a drink.
- (LAUGHS)

Welcome to the party.

Umm, cheers.

- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
- Whoo!

Come on! Yeah! Ha!

- Hi!
- Yeah!

- Hey.
- Hi.

Whoa! Whoa!

She just hit you in the face!

- Oh!
- Rumspringa!

(GROANS)

MEG: Morning, sunshine.

No.

No, Meg! Ow! (GROANS)

Oh, my God.

Wakey-wakey.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- A doctor?
- (MEG SCREAMS)

Did I have sex with a doctor?
Did we have sex?

- No.
- No?

No, we didn't have sex.

- I didn't sleep with anybody?
- No, I don't think so.

Why does it smell like weed in here?

- You have a little...
- What?

It's in your hair now.

It's just right...

- What?
- It...

No, I just have long eyelashes.

It's a... You have a joint clinging...

Oh...

Yay! Free coffee!

Uh, take two Tylenol,
and make yourself some breakfast.

ALICE: I love you.

- Love, love you.
- (DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)

(CHUCKLES)
Your roommate seems pretty cool.

Oh, she's my sister.

- Really?
- Mmm-hmm.

Uh, then I think I might have pissed
in your sister's litter box.

That's a Zen garden.

The cat has a Zen garden?

- ALICE: There's no cat.
- (MAN GROANS)

Where am I?

I knew I had sex in this apartment!

- Oh, yeah.
- What's up?

- Okay, where are we?
- (SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

- Um, Broadway and 77th.
- Um...

We have to be at work in 30 minutes,
so we should probably go this way.

It's okay, I can do this in 20.

- Wait, do what?
- Let's go.

- Wait, do what?
- Time me!

Step one.

That stuff is for babies.

Babies with hangovers.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNORTS)

Baba, are we good?

Payment accepted. Let's go.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

Hi!

Yeah, hi. I'm really interested

in buying a lot of your products but first

I need you to put all of them on my face,

in a very nice way, for free.

I'm gonna need a full face,
with a side of "Wow."

Okay.

Mimosa, hold the orange juice.

Here. Come on. Gimme.

(HAIR DRYER HISSING)

Nailed it.

You're three-and-a-half hours late.

Yay! Lunchtime!

MEG: And don't worry about the weight.

It should come off
after you stop nursing the infant.

- Katie. That's her name.
- Oh, okay.

- Oh, no. I have to pee.
- (KATIE CRYING)

It just falls out of me these days.

- Can you hold...
- No, no, no, no, no.

I'm not good with babies.

Hello. How are you today?

Your mom should be coming back soon.

Is, um, Katie short for Katherine?

See, some women
would look at what you just did

and think that you smiled.

But, because I'm a doctor,

I know that that was probably
just an involuntary tic, or gas.

You know what?

(WHISPERS) You're not that cute,

and I am not falling for it.

So, you just keep trying, but it is "no."

(LAUGHS)

- (GURGLES)
- Shut up, baby.

And, you know what? Don't touch that,
because that's not very sanitary.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Germs are little bugs,
like little microbes

that get into your mouth,
and they make you sick.

- (COOING)
- So, you eat your shoe.

(KISSING)

(GASPS)

You are not winning me over.
No, you're not.

Why do you put everything in your mouth?

Hello. Hi.

MEG: And so we're clear,

there are a lot of people in this world

who need things like you in their lives,

to feel complete.

I am not one of them.
I am fine without you.

Fine. You win.

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

If Tom texts you, which he won't,
because it's still daylight,

wait four hours to respond.

(SCOFFS) I was not
even thinking about Tom.

Anything sooner implies
that you're needy and really co-dependent

and incapable of a simple hookup,

which is all he's good for.

I think that I could actually
be, like, a good...

And, when you respond,
do not respond in full sentences.

Okay.

And if you use an emoji,
I will fucking tit-punch you.

Fine.

Fine.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATES)

(GASPS) No! No! Oh, no.

You can have this back
at the end of the day.

Fine.

An emoji?

(GASPS)
Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

- (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
- (BOTH PANTING)

- This is so dumb.
- Okay.

It's not like I don't know
you're bad for me.

Sure.

And I'm not gonna be
one of those clichéd girls

who thinks I can, like,
change you, or something.

- No, you can't.
- No.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(SIGHS) I'm telling you.

Sex? It's the best way
to find out what you want.

Think about it,
the whole love thing, the whole,

"I just want a guy
to notice when I'm cold."

It's nice when a guy notices

when you're cold. It means he's...

It means he's faking it,

because he knows
that's what you want to hear.

So, instead of being a psycho who pretends

that I give a shit if you're cold,

I tell everyone the same thing.

"If you're looking for the one,
that's not me.

"If you're looking for the one
to have a little fun with, I'm that one."

- Oh.
- Yep. (SIGHS)

- Whew!
- I've always been in relationships.

But, I guess
that's just because I actually

don't really know how to stay single.

Then you came to the right place.

The trick is to love them,
but get them to leave you.

That way, nobody gets hurt.

Check this out.

What do all these things
have in common? Go.

Um, ketchup and beer.

Pickles, chocolate sauce.

Are you pregnant?

No, they can't be used to make breakfast.

There's no reason
to stick around in the morning,

because you can't make an omelet.

Plus, no water. So, hungover chicks...

You got to leave to survive.

Except for that New York
water is delicious

and you can just drink it from the tap.

Yeah. But, uh...

From... What...

- Glass?
- Wow!

You're a piece of work.

Mmm-hmm.

Glass.

Okay, MacGyver, no woman's
gotten this far, but, um...

You had a plumber cut your water?

No. I did it myself.

What if you need to wash your hands?

What am I, a surgeon?

What if you get thirsty?

(TOM SIGHS)

- Nice. Well done.
- Yeah, right?

Totally thought it was a nightstand,
didn't you?

You're a psycho.

I'm not a psycho.
Look, most guys are like me,

they're just not honest about it.

I'm telling you,

this is what it's like out there.

- Why are you telling me this?
- (DOOR RATTLES)

I don't know.

It's just... You're different.

Oh, my God.
That's the thing you say to girls.

Yes, it is. Works, though, right?

Completely.

Anyway, end of the tour.

And, um, this was fun.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- See you.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Hi.

- (CHUCKLES SLOWLY)
- (EXHALES DEEPLY)

(JOSH GRUNTS)

Uh, mimosa?

Uh, no, I'm actually
on my way to a meeting.

So, I'm probably not gonna start drinking
at 8:30 on a Thursday.

Yeah, no, I didn't...
I don't want one, either.

Um, I got us chocolate chip pancakes
for the table, like we used to.

(CHUCKLES) Um, cool.
I don't have a lot of time, so...

Okay, no, then I'll just get right to it.

I'm done. I'm... I'm finally done.

What? What are you done with?

With our time apart.

I know it's been really difficult.

It's been difficult on both of us.

But, I'm finally ready
for us to be together.

And I'll never have to wonder
about anything else.

I'm seeing someone.

(CHUCKLES SLOWLY)

That is...

Congratulations.

ALICE: Um...

So, then, so, Josh, you want to just,

like, tell me when you're done, then?

I don't know, Alice.

Like, we can...
We'll just wait till you're done.

Shit's different, I'm not...

I'm not sure I want
the same things anymore.

(CHUCKLES)

You mean, like, me?

I didn't need an experiment
to know that I loved you.

And I'm not an idiot.

You're, I guess, done with
whatever you've been doing

with whoever you've been doing,

and you think you can come
running back to me?

No, thanks. I'll pass.

WAITER: Who ordered pancakes?

ALICE: Meg, I'm not
ready to be alone. I'm not.

I don't know how to reset my router.

I don't even know where it is.

I don't even really know
what, exactly, it does.

I'm gonna be alone forever.

At least my dead body
will serve as food for my cats.

In the eight weeks that it
takes for anybody to find me,

because nobody gives a fuck.

Why are you watching Bridget Jones?

- (SNIFFLING)
- What did I tell you?

It feels good in the moment.

I know, but it's a bad idea.

You get yourself all hopped up
on Sex and the City and Bridget Jones

and thinking that you need to have some
big single experience.

- Which, by the way, is total bullshit.
- No.

All those girls ever did
was look for boyfriends.

And this is a great thing,
because now you can focus on your career.

What? No! I put myself out,
into the world,

and it completely rejected me.

- (CORK POPS)
- Whoa!

Okay, you haven't been single
for that long!

Yeah.

You got to go around the board,
pass "Go," collect 200 dicks.

MEG: And you remember

the best thing that ever happened to me

was when I was thinking about
quitting medical school.

Please don't tell
the medical school story.

And then, my piece of shit
boyfriend, Bobby,

cheated on me with my lab partner,

because she was willing
to do things that I wasn't.

Did it involve midgets?

No.

I once slept with an albino.

Anyway, the good news is, now there are...

BOTH: 3,000 beautiful babies in the world

and no one can take that away

- from me.
- from her.

Why don't you go
to one of those alumni events?

An alumni event?

You go, and you network with people

and if you really love what you do

then the whole guy thing is easier.

No! I don't want to be like you, Meg.

I don't want my job to be my entire life.

ROBIN: Ooh.

Okay. Sisters, time-out.

There are pros and cons
to both of you, okay?

Pros. Young, beautiful.

Pros. Also beautiful, for your age.

Rich. Doctor. Access to pills.

Cons. No access to pills.

Cons. You're really stingy with the pills.

Right.

Pros. Loves me unconditionally.

Gives me the spare key to the apartment.

Has a very nice underwear drawer.

Very neat and organized.

You have a key to my apartment?

Cons. Asks too many personal questions.

Okay. I'm gonna take my old, lonely,
workaholic ass back to the hospital.

Cons. Ugly when sad.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

- Hey, did you bring a sandwich from home?
- Mmm.

Are you wearing pajamas in a bar?

They're sweatpants.

I think you're bumming some people out.

You might want to take your
"give up" pants and go home.

Leave me alone.

(LAUGHING) I love this bar.

Lucy?

BRITTANY: Lucy?

Hi!

Oh, my God!

Brittany! Hi!

- How are you?
- How are you?

I'm getting married!

- She's getting married!
- (ALL SHRIEKING)

That is just the best news
I've ever heard in my entire life!

Oh, yay!

How old are your kids?

No. (CHUCKLES)

I don't have any.
I just read to them sometimes.

But not in, like, a sad way.

It's more like a volunteer thing?

ALL: Oh. Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, are you married?

No. (CHUCKLES) No.

Dating anyone?

Afraid not.

Are you divorced?

(GASPS) No, no one's ever loved me enough

to eventually divorce me.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

You got to get in the game,
before you can lose, so...

I'm not even a good loser, yet. (MUMBLING)

Oh, my God, are those penis straws?

You guys are gonna have
a crazy night tonight!

Hi...

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Hey, baby.

This is, um...

It's all right, you can say it.
Miss Independent right here, right?

I'm her boyfriend.

- ALL: Oh...
- He's your boyfriend.

LUCY: This is my boyfriend.

God, doesn't she look smoking hot
in these sweatpants?

Oh, wow, that's so sweet.

This is Brittany.
She's getting married, obviously.

Oh, you're the one getting married.

- Marriage!
- (ALL CHEERING)

The end of spontaneous sex,
traveling by yourself

and buying whatever you want
without having to ask permission, right?

Marriage! (LAUGHS)

Congratulations, good luck with it.
I hope it lasts.

Sorry. No filter.

(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, listen. I hope, uh,
that kiss wasn't too much.

Oh, my God. No, no, that was awesome!

Thank you so much! Good night.

(GLASSES CLANKING AND RATTLING)

(CLATTERS AND JANGLES)

(SIGHS)

(GROANING)

Come on, you fucking bitch.

Hey.

Sorry. Was that supposed to be
a private moment?

I can't get my zipper.

I'm sorry for what I said to you.

What?

I said, I'm sorry for what I said to you.

Can't hear you.

I said I'm sorry for what I
said to you! (CHUCKLES)

- (SIGHS)
- What?

I'm gonna have a baby.

- What?
- I found a sperm donor.

This guy. He's of Swedish descent.

- Oh, my God.
- He has no known cancers

on either side of his family,
no history of drug abuse.

No history of any kind
of mental illness, or...

- Oh, my God.
- I know.

- Oh, my God.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

I know.

Wait. Do you think it's a bad idea?

Why are you saying
"Oh, my God" five times?

No, but... Wait, when do you meet him?

That's the best part.

I never, ever have to meet him,
or any of his family.

There's no strings attached at all.

Nothing. Is that crazy?

No. Oh, my God, you're gonna have a baby.

- I know!
- You're gonna have a baby!

- (LAUGHS)
- I'm so happy for you.

You'll always be my baby first.

But you do need to grow up.

And you do need to move out
by this Friday.

What?

The co-op board found out you were here.

Is this a bad idea? Would you tell me?

No, you're gonna be
the best mom in the world.

Wait. Just go back.

What was that thing
that you just said about the co-op board?

You need to be out by Friday.

But you're allowed to have guests.

Yes. But my guests aren't allowed
to slide down the trash chute, naked.

I didn't go naked down the...

Oh. (GULPS)

- Robin did that.
- Mmm-hmm.

I've seen security footage. And it just...

- (EXCLAIMS)
- Hmm.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

- I don't know.
- (CHEERS)

It seems kind of homey,

like you'd actually
want to spend time here.

Oh, this could be a reading window.

Reading is for ugly losers.

(EXHALES) I don't know. I really like it.

Yeah, but, I mean... Oh!

BROKER: Wait! No, don't do that!

That just... That just fell off.

I think I'm gonna take it.

ROBIN: This place is dangerous.

It's perfect. (CHUCKLES)

- Don't let that... Don't...
- (CLANGS)

- Did that just break?
- Yeah.

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CUTLERY CLANKS)

(YAWNS) Good night.

That was weird.

Maybe you should just leave it in there.

Maybe you shouldn't shake it like that.

What, it's gonna make the pee go in there.

No, it doesn't work like that.
That's not a Polaroid.

I'm gonna be the best auntie, ever. I am.

I'm gonna give that kid whatever it wants.

Forever. All the sugar in the world.

Don't get your hopes up, okay?

Because it never works on the first time.

- It's too late.
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

Mmm.

See? I told you.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

No, it always... This is...

It doesn't usually work
on the first time, like I said.

What?

I deal with this kind of thing
all the time. You know that.

Are you drinking enough water?

Your lips are really dry,
which means you're dehydrated.

I'll go get you some water.

(MAN SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

These plums are available through
late summer, early autumn.

JOSH: Alice!

WOMAN: (ON TV) And they're just wonderful,
they're called Italian prune plums.

So, we're gonna make
a little bit of caramel

with a cup of sugar,
and a third of a cup of water.

I'm just gonna cook it over medium heat

until it's nice
and caramelized and brown...

JOSH: Alice!

- Hi.
- Hi.

My buzzer's broken.

It's like if Romeo and Juliet
had lived in New York.

- (CHUCKLES)
- That was bad. Can I come up?

Yeah.

(JANGLES)

WOMAN: (ON TV) If you want to
make this cake another time...

(UTENSILS CLATTERING)

(CLATTERING)

Hey.

Hey.

It's good to see you.

So good to see you. What's up?

Well, I was going through my closet,
and I found a bunch of your old stuff,

so I thought you might want it.

(CHUCKLES)

I could've come by to get this.

Well, actually,
that's the thing, is, um...

That's part of why I wanted to come over.

- Uh...
- (CLEARS THROAT)

So, Michelle is moving in tomorrow.

- So...
- Wow!

- Michelle.
- (TAPS)

She's got a name and everything.

She's got a name.

Well, technically,
she's always had a name.

- Mmm-hmm.
- I mean, her lease was up

and I was with this Craigslist guy,

- and he started stealing my socks.
- Mmm-hmm.

And so, it just made sense.

- It makes sense.
- And we're excited.

Mmm-hmm. We are. You said "we." Okay.

So...

So let me give you the tour.

Um, this is the kitchen.

This is the dining room.

This is the living room
workspace-bedroom region.

And are you working on your Spanish?

Oh, that's been that way since I moved in,
and I don't know how to fix it.

And now I don't know
what the world would be like

if it wasn't in Spanish.

It's pretty easy, you know, it's...

Alice.

- (SNIFFLES) You're so handy.
- (SIGHS)

Alice.

Michelle is a really lucky girl.

(CHUCKLES)

I didn't expect for this to happen.

I just...

I stopped comparing everyone to you
and then I met someone pretty great.

I'm super happy for you.

Yeah, I can see that.

Alice. All right.

- (CLEARS THROAT)
- I'm gonna go.

Okay. (SNIFFLES)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You need to move on.

Fine.

Uh, no going backwards, only forwards.
You can't sleep with Tom again.

Well, then, we're gonna
have to start going

to a different bar, girlfriend.

No, you'll be fine,
just don't hit your drink number with him.

What's my drink number?

In every male-female friendship,

there's a total number of drinks

and if you hit that,
it means you will definitely have sex.

So, how many drinks does it take
to get you wasted?

Two and a half

- but maybe three, if I've eaten.
- Three.

Okay, and Tom's is eight.

So, you can't hit eleven drinks
between the two of you.

- Okay.
- Not one for you, 10 for him.

Not six for him, five for you.

If I had more than five drinks,
I'd hook up with you.

My drink number is 27.

What?

I wouldn't even touch myself
on less than 24.

That's...

What are you doing? Stop.

- What is that?
- Stop.

(SCREAMS)

Oh, my God.

I thought that was gonna be boiling hot.

It's actually really cold.

You have LTRP.

- Oh, my God. I do?
- Yeah.

Tom gave it to me. For sure.

Wait. What's LTRP?

Long-Term Relationship Pussy.

You really need to get that taken care of.

What do you mean? I barely have any hair.

It's like you dropped your hairbrush
and your vagina caught it.

I could make dreadlocks with that bush
and form a reggae band.

That looks like a whole bowl
of petrified curly fries.

It's like Gandalf is staring right at me.

(MIMICS GANDALF) "No penis shall pass!"

You've ruined so many things for me.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

- (SIGHS)
- (PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

Hi.

Hi. What are you here for?

Um, I am here to
finally put myself out there.

Like, in a real way. You know?

Not just physically,
but, like, emotionally.

Yeah.

No, I was asking
what event are you here for?

Oh, um...

Oh, my God.

The Wesleyan Alumni Networking Event.

Cool.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Sorry, sorry.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, we're...

(SINGING KATY PERRY SONG PEACOCK)

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Hey. Get back over there,
you're screwing up the harmonies.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

- I'm David Stone, nice to meet you.
- Hi.

Hey, I'm Alice.

Alice...

- Kepley.
- Kepley.

- It's not as good as Stone.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Do you want one of my business cards?

Or maybe 400 of them,
so you could tile your bathroom?

Well, what's on them?

Um, my Social Security Number,

my mom's maiden name, my ATM PIN.

That's what goes on these, right?

- Absolutely, the essentials.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)

What do you do?

Um, I'm a paralegal.

Okay.

At Brown, Light and Finkelstein.

- Is that 144 Wall Street?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I have the building right next door.

You "have" the building?

Like, in a Fantasy Building League?

No. Um, I don't "have" the building,

- I kind of own it.
- Oh.

There's no way to make that sound right.

I'm a developer, so, it's not just me.

It's like a group of people, but...

That's like a real-ass job, man.

Yeah, I know, it's the worst.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, your team.

We really need to work on our repertoire.

- Are you kidding me? This is my jam!
- Is it?

Yeah, this is like my top 13th
favorite song of all time.

- (LAUGHS)
- (CELL PHONE RINGING)

I'm sorry, it's my daughter.

Oh, yeah, no, totally. Me, too.

I mean, I'm a... I'm... A daughter.

- It was great to meet you.
- (CHUCKLES)

Bye. Yeah.

- (CONTINUE SINGING)
- (CLEARS THROAT)

MEG: Okay, 30 more seconds.

Twenty-seven.

It said three to 10 minutes,
is that right?

I'm doing this in solidarity.

Guys. Mine's positive.

- What?
- What?

Wait.

I'm taking a drug test.
Is that what you guys are doing?

- No.
- No.

(BEEPING)

(LAUGHING)

- I'm...
- (LAUGHING)

You're pregnant.

I'm pregnant.

It's all right, don't worry.

We'll take care of it.

I mean, "Yes!"

You're pregnant!

We're pregnant!

I'm not pregnant!

I'm on drugs!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

I found my peanut! This is Paul.

Hey.

He has so many teeth.

(LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

What up, office fools?
It's time for Secret Santa!

Who's ready to reach into
my cleave of wonders

and win themselves a prize?

Doris, I'm coming to you first, baby.

Whoa! It is a hole-puncher!

You have won Kathy's credit card.

Let's go, dance circle!

Bridget, come on in here, you slut!

How many sliders does it take
to equal a whole burger?

What?

(MUFFLED) How many little burgers
does it take to make a whole burger?

(SNORTS) You're crazy.

Don't call me crazy.

Don't ever call a pregnant woman crazy.

- Okay. All right.
- Not ever. Never.

Okay.

How many little meats
make up a whole big meat?

I don't know, maybe four?

I've had seven.

Eight. I meant eight.

Is it four, or is it eight?

It's eight, or more. Everyone knows that.

Who told you that?

The slider guy.

Please blink, so I know you're in there.

- I'm sorry.
- (EXHALES) God.

I just have blood pumping through my body
in an uncomfortable way

and it feels like
it's all accumulating right here.

Don't touch yourself like that
in my workplace.

- I need a man.
- A man?

I don't know...
I don't know what's happening.

It's, like, the hormones or something.

Actually...

The new guy
has sort of been checking you out.

- Which one?
- He's...

- Did you get it?
- No.

All right. He's like...

Right over there.

- No. No.
- Why?

Because he's too young.

All young guys want to do
is have sex all day.

All I need is just a quick 10 minutes,
and then a really long nap.

How old is that little niblet, anyway?

Like, twenty-seven?

The only reason a guy like that
would ever talk to me

is to get a prescription
for medical marijuana.

So, no.

I think he's coming over.
Yeah, he's totally wanting it.

Wait, he might be going to the food.

Don't look over there. No, he's coming.

He's here.

Just saw you looking at me over there.

I thought I'd come over, say "What's up."

- Hmm.
- Or...

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my God, did I misread that?

(STUTTERS) Were you not...
Were you just talking about...

Um, did you not want me to come over?

Hey, I'm Ken.

- Hmm. (CHUCKLES)
- You must be Alice's sister.

- Do you want a drink?
- No.

- Can I get you...
- I had a lot of drinks earlier today.

- (CLICKS TONGUE)
- (EXHALES)

Have you heard anything
about an after-party?

Or even, like, another part of this party?

Because this feels like
a longer day at work, than...

Oh, my God, am I boring you?

Is that... Are you trying not to yawn?

- Mmm-mmm.
- That's just your face?

No, I'm sorry.
I'm a doctor, and I'm just really tired.

What is it you were saying you do?

I wasn't, but I work here, for now.

But, um...

Oh, my God, are you having a stroke?

Seriously, this is the honeymoon.

Like, we just met 30 seconds ago.

Honestly, like, if we're not
gonna make it through this,

I don't think we're gonna make it at all.

So, why don't you just, like, let her rip?

- Okay.
- Like, let it all out.

Yeah.

- (YAWNS)
- How awesome was that?

That feels so good.

- Right?
- (CHUCKLES)

Who are you, again?

I'm, uh, Ken.

And what's going on here?

- Is this... (CHUCKLES)
- I don't...

Is this one of those fetish things?

Where you're, like, a foot fetish.
Am I the foot?

Do you want to be the foot?

I'm not into feet,
but I would like to go out with you.

Oh.

- Yes.
- Why?

Really? I... Do you not want me to?

I do! I... That's not what I was saying.

No, I was just wondering why.

Because I think you're hot.

- (LAUGHS)
- And I think you're funny.

And I like the face you make
when you're trying not to yawn.

And then you have an awesome yawn
after that, so...

I mean, that's always something
I've looked for in a girl.

- (CHUCKLES)
- I don't know.

But, cheers.

- Holy shit, that's a candle.
- (MEG CLEARS THROAT)

So, do you wanna just go do this, then?

(RETRO MUSIC PLAYING)

I don't want anything serious.

Good, because I'm saving
myself for marriage.

I'm just kidding.

My God, your body is awesome!

Do I smell like hamburgers?

You taste like hamburgers.

- (LAUGHING)
- That's totally beautiful.

You didn't really have to come
all the way here with me, you know?

And miss a subway ride with you?

That's like 20 extra minutes of Paul time.

- Aw. Thank you. Yeah.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

Actually, I got you something.

Oh, okay.

I have a sandwich for the train ride.

Oh, thank you.

And there's a bagel in there, too,
in case you don't want the sandwich.

It's a 45-minute train ride,
but thank you.

- And there's this.
- What?

Merry Christmas.

You shouldn't have.

- Really, it's just a little thing that...
- Oh.

Open it now, yeah.

Whoa! These are pictures of us.

It's memories of all our time together.

Yeah, there's three weeks of photos.
That's...

And then we can fill in the rest.

Oh. So...

Look, Lucy, I really care about you.

And I just don't know if we want to think

too much in the long term,

only because I don't know
if I see a future with you.

Normally, I break up with people
before the holidays.

Just so, you know,
they don't get the wrong idea.

But I just thought,
since we're dating other people...

I would just wait and break up with you
on Martin Luther King Day.

Okay, I have no idea what that means,
but it sounds vaguely racist.

Just, statistically,
it's the easiest holiday

to break up with someone on, you know?

I mean, there's no family obligations,
you can get out before Valentine's Day.

I'm sorry, did you just say
you're seeing other people?

Yeah.

I mean, isn't that the whole
point of online dating?

No.

It's to find your soul mate!

(ECHOING)

I, uh, think maybe we should
only see other people.

Okay. Great talk.

Bye.

Just...

Uh, merry Christmas.

""We're safe!' said Paul,
as they ran from the dragon."

Um, who's Paul?

Sorry, "the Prince."

"Then, he leaned in to kiss her,
and finally said..."

Oh, that's rich.

How does the story end?

I'll tell you how it ends.

He kisses her, and she wakes up

and finally feels loved

and understood, and wanted.

But then, her friend sees him
dining with the peach lady

and before she knows it,
she's kicked out of the castle.

"The peach lady"?

You bet your sweet ass "the peach lady."

And now, you know,
she's fixating on all her mistakes

and all the money she spent on makeup

and blow-outs, and the heels!

The heels! Walking around on these.

And I'm not supposed
to have any hair here.

No hair here, but tons of it here.

I'm supposed to have a ton,
a ton of it here.

You think this is all real?

- You think that it's all real?
- No.

And Spanx!

Girls. Never wear Spanx.

Because the endgame
is to take them off, anyway

and then the prince
is gonna see all your dumplings

and there ain't nothing less attractive

than trying to squiggle your way

out of what's basically sausage casing.

Look at these links!

You know what, why don't we push pause
on story time for just a second, huh?

Okay, you know what? Sorry.

- Are you kidding me?
- GEORGE: Hey, hey. Okay.

- These are kid scissors.
- They don't work.

If your Spanx were made
of construction paper, they would.

- And that's how the story ends.
- (GRUNTING)

Parents, I'm gonna ask you
to sign something

before you leave, if you don't mind.

- Story time next week.
- (YELPS)

Same time, same place, different reader.

Thank you. Okay, now.

Hey, you. Hey. How are you?

- Look at me. Hi. Hello. Hi.
- (PANTING)

Oh, that was terrible.

You scared all the kids,
terrified a lot of parents.

But it was also kind of awesome.

I'm George.

Lucy.

- Hey.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey!

Hey! Oh, thank you.

- For you.
- I'll take that.

- Oh, no.
- That's Robin's.

Yeah. I like to keep this on my own rack.

Sorry, we're late.

No, it's okay.
I'm glad you guys could come.

I know it's tough to be single
around this time of year, so...

Why do people always say that?

The holidays is the best time
to be single.

Parties every night, free-flowing booze.

Santa's beard tickling your inner thigh.

- What?
- Night.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah, take your jacket...

Here, you want me to get your...

Thanks for having us.

Yeah, sure.
I know it's been tough for you.

- For me?
- Yeah.

No, I'm good.

It's really cool of your girlfriend
to be okay with me coming tonight.

Yeah. Yeah, I know, she's really mature.

And, um, also, I told her
you're my cousin.

- Hi, baby.
- Hey. Hi.

Oh, you must be Alice.

- Hi!
- Hi.

(HORNS HONKING)

- KEN: Oh, Meg!
- (GASPS)

- Hi.
- Hey.

Hi, what are you doing here?

I brought you hot chocolate.

- For what?
- For drinking.

Oh, I have to be back
at work in eight minutes.

Perfect.

- Oh, thank you.
- Sure.

That was nice. Hi.

It's good to see you. You look good.

Oh, oh, there's bourbon in there.

Also, was that a real-life spit take?

- Mmm-hmm.
- I've never seen one in real life.

I just sort of thought it would be like...

- Wow!
- You know?

(GIGGLES) Yeah.

That was good, yeah.

I can't drink alcohol right now
because I'm about to deliver a baby.

It's so cool you're a doctor.

- It's so cool that you're...
- A receptionist.

Oh, okay. So, what's the male
version of a receptionist?

- Receptionist.
- Oh.

I just love the thrill of it, you know?

Like, "Hello? Hold, please.
Hello? I'll see if she's available."

But I'm thinking about quitting.
I don't know.

It's starting to feel
like the restaurant I worked at.

- (JINGLING)
- Oh, shit. Christmas trees.

Come on, we'll get one.

Okay. I mean,
I don't get Christmas trees, but...

Oh, are you Jewish?

No, I just don't get Christmas trees.

Oh, so, you're a monster.

No, I'm just never home,
and I would definitely kill it.

No.

And then those needles fall into the rug
and stab your feet when you walk on them.

Okay.

All right. Look at this guy, right?

That's the John McClane
of Christmas trees.

Like, you cannot kill this guy.

We load him up with a bunch of water,

stuff one of those self-pouring
cat bottles on the side

you're good to go for, like, three weeks.

I'm telling you,
you're gonna be begging this guy to die.

- Yeah.
- Then, in three weeks

we throw this guy out on the street,
and get ready for Valentine's Day.

"We" get ready for Valentine's Day?

- Yeah, hearts, candy, you name it.
- Oh.

No, no, no, no. That's not...

Listen, in three weeks from now...

I think the novelty of this whole thing
will have worn off

and I think, the reality will set in,

which is that I work all the time
and I probably would never see you,

and I'd probably
have to cancel all of our dates.

And, when I did finally see you,

I would probably
just fall asleep on your face.

- Oh...
- Yeah, and then,

you would go off,
and meet some girl at the gym.

Because you obviously have
a lot of time to spend at the gym

and so would she,

and I don't even know why
we're having this conversation.

I mean, you are obviously not a real thing

and I feel like we're wasting air
even talking about it.

And I have hip problems,
real hip problems.

And not from doing fun things,
like having sex, but from gravity.

And what we had was great.

Thank you for helping me out with that.

That was fun.

But you will find a girl your own age

and then you can do fun things
like look for trees and whatever.

But that's not what's happening here,
between you and me, so...

Just so you know.

I have to get back to work now.

My God.

Fine, we won't get a Christmas tree!

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Robin.

Yeah.

Yes?

Do you want to go see
the Rockefeller tree?

- Right now?
- Yeah.

No, Buzz-Cut and Dimples
are visiting from Italy

and they want to know all about
American Christmas traditions

like us sitting on their faces.

- No. No.
- Come on, it's Christmas!

I'm not gonna do that tonight.

Why? Their dicks
probably look like cannolis.

No, it's okay. I'll call you tomorrow.

(SLOW MUSIC CONTINUES)

It's plastic. You can't kill it.

(LAUGHS)

DAVID: Hey.

Hey.

I feel like I know you.

God, I wish I had
one of your business cards,

so I could remember who you are.

Yeah, you're the, um, fancy, married guy,
with the kid and the buildings.

Uh... I'm not married.

Um, I do have a daughter.

Oh.

- And I'm fancy.
- Yeah.

You're wearing a scarf
on the outside of your jacket.

Which... That serves zero purpose.

- (LAUGHS)
- (CHUCKLES)

Um...

This is super random,

but do you want to go see
the Rockefeller tree with me?

No? That's a big "no."

No, no.

I know it's probably like so crowded
with so many tourists,

I don't know why I even want to do that.

I just... I was just thinking,
I want to show you something.

Okay.

All right. This door.

Aye.

You know what? I am just realizing now
that I've gone with a complete stranger,

to an abandoned location
covered in plastic...

So, if you're gonna Dexter me...

You know what? Honestly?

Dying would not be the worst
thing in the world, right now.

- What is happening?
- All right. Close your eyes.

Okay. Here we go. Bye!

- (CREAKING)
- (DAVID GRUNTING)

- What is that sound?
- Just one second.

The world's largest shower curtain?

What is it? What's happening?

One sec.

Is that the body bag?

Is that duct tape?

Is it "duck" tape or is it "duct" tape?

Open your eyes.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.

This is amazing.

Thank you.

I've always wanted to see this.

Yeah.

I don't know why
I always talk myself out of

doing the things I really want to do.

Like what?

There's this thing
that people do on New Year's,

where they hike
the Grand Canyon in the dark,

so that they can watch the New Year
come in with the dawn.

That sounds amazing.

- I know.
- Yeah.

I'm just not a hiker.

I don't like that stuff
that's on the ground,

that, like, gets on you.

- The dirt?
- Yes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

But, um, I don't know.

Maybe we can, um, do
something else this year.

- "We"?
- Did I say "we"?

This one's name is Ping-Ping.

Ping-Ping?

It's nice to meet you.

- Who's this guy?
- Lion.

Lion is very handsome and,
also, we seem to be matching.

Well, what about this guy?

Zebra-Zebra.

Hmm. I was told never to
trust a man with two first names.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (CELL PHONE RINGS)

What about, do you want to tell me
the names of these ones?

This is LA. I'll be two seconds.

Okay, we're fine.

Do you know the Eyes of You song?

The what song?

Eyes of You song.

No, I don't know what that is.

(SCATTING)

Oh, I know that song.

(BOTH SCATTING)

(BOTH SINGING
CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF YOU)

What are you doing?

Well, we were working
on our pop star careers,

but her voice is way better
than mine. (LAUGHS)

Can I talk to you?

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, what are you doing?

What do you mean?

You're not her mom.

What are you... What are you...

What do you mean?

We were just singing, David.

Look, I'm sorry,
but when it comes to Phoebe

I get very protective.

And, you can't just...

Look, I'm really sorry.

I didn't know that that was a thing.

I'm not trying to, like...

I guess I didn't know that
that would upset you

because you don't actually ever really
share anything with me.

Do you know how I found out
your wife passed away?

From your doorman, David.

Yeah, well.

I just thought you were divorced.
I had no idea.

It's just been two years, okay?
Phoebe's not ready for all that.

I have no idea
what it's like to be a parent.

But, I feel like you have to
open up to Phoebe about her mom...

Look, Alice.

I can't do this.

I'm sorry.

(BAGPIPES PLAYING)

(KEYS JANGLING SOFTLY)

(CRYING) I know I'm not
supposed to need you anymore, but...

I really do.

Come here.

I feel like I don't even know
who I am anymore.

It's okay.

I have to warn you,
I have this weird farting thing happening.

- (CHUCKLES)
- I don't know if it's me,

or the baby farting through me,
or what, but...

- Let me see.
- (SIGHS)

- Hi, you stinky little baby.
- (CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) You know you're not gonna
be able to hide this for much longer.

You need to tell him.

(SHUSHING)

(ALICE CHUCKLES)

I love you, monkey.

I love you.

(IRISH FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, Happy Alcoholic's Day.

(CHUCKLES)

All right, let me guess.

You're one of those parade-hating
buzzkills that stays at home,

while the rest of us are out here,
celebrating Saint Patrick's Day.

No. You know what? I'm into it.

George is an eighth Irish.

Do you think he'll like it? Look, I did...

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Who's George?

Luce. Hey!

Oh, there he is!

That's George?

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Yes! (LAUGHING)

BOTH: Mmm.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

(ALL SHOUTING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

- (MUSIC PLAYING STOPS)
- (LAUGHS)

- Hi.
- Hi.

- It's been forever.
- Yeah.

Are you here with somebody?

Oh, no. I'm, I'm... I'm alone.

I just thought I'd grab some pancakes

- 'cause I love pancakes.
- This was our place.

Okay.

What are you doing? Who are you here with?

I'm here with my parents.

- JOSH'S MOM: Oh, my God.
- Here they are.

JOSH'S DAD: Look who it is.
JOSH'S MOM: Alice!

ALICE: Hi! How are you?
JOSH'S DAD: Oh, my God.

We're here to celebrate.

- How are you?
- It's so good to see you. Hi.

Josh got into business school.

- What?
- JOSH: I did.

It just happened. It's crazy.

I didn't even know you wanted to...

JOSH'S DAD: We were just gonna
take a picture. Come on, get in here.

We're just gonna take a picture.
Come on, come on, get in here.

- Squeeze in.
- JOSH: No, no, no!

Selfie time! Selfie time. One, two...

No, I can take one of you guys.

- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Three!

You're better than her.

Wow. What?

- JOSH'S MOM: What?
- Mom! You need to go inside.

I know you've said it a million times.

- Take her inside...
- All right. There you go.

- ...and then take her home.
- Great to see you again.

ALICE: Great to see you.
JOSH'S DAD: Okay.

Bye, guys.

- It's great to see you.
- It's great to see you.

Yeah.

- Okay. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.

Don't squash my pancakes, man.

Oh, sorry. Do you want to...
Yeah, let's...

- We should hang out soon.
- I'll see you around.

- Okay.
- Okay.

Bye.

(CHUCKLES)

(MOUTHING) What the fuck?

- Are you pregnant?
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

What?

(STAMMERS)

I've been trying to have a baby. Yes.

I... It's probably
not even going to stick.

Yeah, I think it stuck.

Okay, I don't know what that tone was

but, if you haven't noticed,
my boobs have gotten much bigger.

Yeah, of course I noticed
your boobs getting bigger.

I put that on my vision board, okay?
I thought that was because of me.

Who does that?

I do! People like me, visionaries!

Didn't you notice that I was getting fat?

That's a trick question.
You are not getting fat.

You are beautiful,
you have always been beautiful,

and you are carrying this so well.

You think?

Is this why you've been
avoiding me lately?

Oh, my God. I think I'm gonna...

(LAUGHS)

- I'm gonna be a dad!
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Sorry, we're gonna have a baby!

We're gonna be... Not "dads."
We're gonna...

(CHUCKLES)

No, it's not.

Like, you're not... It's not...

Is that not mine?

I'm just pregnant.

What do you mean, you're "just pregnant"?
That's crazy. How's that possible?

- What?
- I said, you're being crazy.

You've lied to me the entire time
we've been together about being pregnant

and now you're upset with me
because I believed it?

That's what a crazy person does.

That's three times.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

Say it again.

I don't know. It just seems crazy to me.

I just want to tell you something.

Usually, it's a good idea
not to call a pregnant woman crazy.

(LAUGHS) You know what I mean?

She's nuts, everybody.

So funny! (GRUNTS)

Oh, my God!

Not funny!

Get it, girl.

Who is the father?

I don't know! I don't know.

- How do you not know?
- Stop yelling at me.

How could you not know
something like that?

Did you not catch his name?

I did I.V.F. with a sperm donor. Okay?

- Oh, my God.
- Do you have a problem with that?

I don't have a problem with that.
It's your body.

Do whatever you want with your body.
Cover it in tattoos. I don't care.

I think I deserve to know
when there's someone

living inside the person
I'm having sex with.

Don't say that. That's gross!

There is nothing gross about that.
It is beautiful!

- It's not your problem.
- Not genetically, okay?

But my girlfriend is having a baby.

Babe, if we're gonna
make this thing work, like,

this is the kind of thing I need to know.

What are you gonna do?
Stay home and take care of a baby?

Did I just win the lottery?

Yes, I want to stay home
and take care of a baby.

When I was eight years old,

my Halloween costume
was a stay-at-home Dad.

You're saying I never
have to go to work again.

I get to hang out with a baby all day?

Just stop saying the word "baby."

Baby, baby, baby, baby, baby!
Because babies are awesome!

Okay, listen.

You and I, we probably would
have a lot of fun together

and then, one day, we would be
on this road trip together.

And I would be driving,
and then I'd get tired

and I would hate to do it,
but I would agree to let you drive.

And then, I would feel very safe,

and that's when we would crash.

You think you can control everything,
but you can't.

That's not how this works.

If I could choose someone
to do this with, it would be you.

You can choose!

I just... I'm not the only one
in the car, anymore.

(SIGHS)

Yeah.

Well, for the record,
this is not me leaving.

This is you pushing me away.

(SIGHS)

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

- Daddy?
- Yeah, babe?

I want the Eyes of You song.

Sing it to me.

Not tonight, sweetheart. Okay?

Get some sleep.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

ALICE: It's just, Josh and I
could be married by now

and we would have, like,
the cutest little baby daughter

and she would probably
be named after a fruit.

What kind of name is George,
anyway? Right?

I hate his hair.

Actually, technically,
we would have a four-year-old daughter,

in which case, her name would be Rihanna.

What? We haven't known
each other four years.

No, not you. Josh.

Oh, right, yeah.

But, exactly.
It's the same thing with me and Lucy.

It's like, if I go to work,
and she's not there,

I'm like mad or something.

Yeah. Which is nuts, because
she's not completely disgusted by you.

I don't get it. I don't know where
I'm gonna find another one like her.

Yeah. I don't know, man.

Maybe we've just made all the wrong moves.

Maybe, this whole time,
we've been focusing on all the wrong stuff

and now it's just too late.

To the wrong stuff.

This is it. We can't pass "eleven."

What are you talking about?

Our drink number.

In every male and female friendship,
there's a number of drinks,

and if you pass it,
you have to have sex, mathematically.

Whatever, dude. (CHUCKLES)

(BOTTLE CLATTERING)

Oi. Sorry. Loud noise.

Where did that come from?

Uh... The floor.

One, two, three. That's three.

Four, five, six.

Seven.

Eight, nine.

It's just ten. It's just ten.

(EXHALES)

Eleven. Did you drink this?

No.

Oh, thank God.

You did.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

This may be a mistake.

It's just such a bad idea.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I was, like, trying to
bone the Lucy out of my system.

Yeah, see, normally,
I feel like I'd be mad at that.

But I just did
the exact same thing to you.

Right, yeah. Shit.

I think I like her.

Like, when we're together...

I feel like me, but, like... A better me.

See, that's the magic.
That's what I got to find.

Yeah.

I can let myself out.

(ALICE CLEARS THROAT)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHUCKLES)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(EXHALES)

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

ALL: Cheers! (LAUGHING)

- Whoa!
- (LAUGHING)

Alice! Happy Birthday!

Hi!

Thank you. What is that? Give me that.

Um, this is actually for Meg.

I had it made for her, specially.

Aw. That is so sweet. Look how cozy.

Maybe I'll give it to her. Just, later on.

Hey!

ALICE: No Tom, no Josh,

I'm just gonna have a really good time

and I'm not gonna think
about any boys at all.

Here's to no drama.

- No drama.
- Whoo!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Happy Birthday!

(ALL CHEERING)

Whoo!

TOM: Thanks, buddy.

(GASPS)

I'll show you. This way.

- Oh, my God.
- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

- Dude, Ricky Stimpkins!
- RICKY: Josh! What's up, man?

Wow, I haven't seen you
since college, man!

I'm just hanging.

I got to go get a drink,
but I'll catch you later.

- Okay, cool. Yeah, man.
- I'm gonna find Alice.

Tall person.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

TOM: We got a whole "No hats" thing

but you seem like a good guy,
and, you know...

Hey. What's up, guys?

- Hey.
- Hey. Josh.

You're Josh?

What's that supposed to mean?

No... Nothing. Makes total sense.

Wait, how do you know Alice?

How do you guys know Alice?

Oh, fuck me.

This is Josh.

Makes sense.

What? Are you guys new friends, or...

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, my God.

Come here.

Um, Tom is here, and David, and Josh.

And David. Did I say David?

Yeah, I know, because I invited them.

You're welcome.

Why? Why would you do that?

Because I thought it would be funny.
For me.

And good for you, emotionally,
to have guys fighting over you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What's going on?
- How are you?

Pretty good. Uh, I need to
talk to you about something.

- Great. Me, too.
- You go first.

- I'm getting married.
- What?

That's, uh...

Look, your computer programs
are total bullshit.

Your algorithms?
Also, total bullshit, all right?

Just because the music stops, doesn't mean
you got to sit in the closest chair.

You shouldn't be with George.

You should be with me.

- Yes. I want to be with you.
- What?

God, all those bad dates at the bar,

there was something that was always there.

You.

It was always me.

- Yes. Oh, my God.
- Right?

We could have the best life together.

And, I mean, we're gonna want
to get married soon

because we'll probably want to
start a family right away.

Oh, my God. Our kids...
Our kids are gonna be so cute.

Exactly.

Which is why we should just
kind of pump the brakes

and not rush things, you know?

(STUTTERS)
Let's take care of us right now.

Oh, my God, Tom.

I'm totally messing with you.

Thank you. Oh, my God.

I don't want to be with you.

And you don't want to be with me, either.

- Wait.
- Babe!

- Oh, my God.
- I saw everything.

I thought you were gonna
hyperventilate, man.

But I didn't!

Oh, Tom. Come on. Don't be sad.

You know what this is?

This is the first,
tiny green sprout of life

fighting its way out of
the gravel parking lot of your heart.

So, congrats.

- (SCOFFS) That was beautiful.
- Thank you, hon.

Hang on, one second.

Hey, quick, man, just one last thing.

Stay the fuck away
from my girl, okay, man?

Or I will straight-up end you.

- Okay. All right.
- Okay?

So, just back off. You got it?

- Yeah.
- Because I put a ring on that

and you're coming at it
pretty hard with your dick.

- Okay.
- I'm fucking with you, man.

- Cool, okay.
- No, of course.

Lucy loves you, I love you.

We're brothers, now, all right?

And, as such, I would like to...

This is a big one...

(SIGHS) Ask you to be my best man.

- (STUTTERS) Yeah, you got it.
- I'm fucking with you, bro!

Of course, you can't be my best man.
You are a stranger to me.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

Just to recap...
Stay the fuck away from my girl.

I don't want you to be my best man.

We still love you, you're family.

You'll definitely be
invited to the wedding.

- Okay.
- But, probably not.

So, don't be offended.

I'm glad we had this talk, man.

- (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
- Whoo!

DAVID: Uh...

You trying to hide from me?

- Are you hiding from me? Hi.
- Huh? Hi.

I didn't see you, right over there.

It's a good hiding spot.

Uh, listen.

I've been thinking about you a lot...

Look, David, I'm sorry, I...

I can't do this.

You made it so clear to me
that you didn't want to, so...

That's not why I came here at all.

I just came here to apologize to you

for being such an asshole.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

(BOTH CHUCKLE AWKWARDLY)

Well, you were right about Phoebe.

Oh, good. Did you talk to her?

Well, um, you know, I'm working on it.

But are you okay?

(CHORTLES)

I'm working on it.

Happy Birthday.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

See? I told you this would be fun.

Although, I thought one of them was, like,
gonna punch each other

and that hasn't happened yet.

Robin, this isn't a joke. This is my life.

But you know what? I guess
you wouldn't actually understand that

because you've never really cared
about anybody enough to ever get hurt.

So, this type of thing doesn't affect you.

Okay. I'm sorry I invited them,
but who gives a shit about me?

I do, because you're my friend!

Am I? Because as far as I can tell

you only ever want to hang out with me
when you get dumped

and you need someone to cheer you up.

Well, you only ever hang out with me

when you need me
to be your little sidekick.

The reason
why I don't hang around with you

when you're in a relationship,

is because you just turn into this
lame-ass shell of a human being.

Nice.

- Yeah, do you want some real advice?
- Yeah, what?

You're not gonna find the right guy
by bumming free drinks and slutting it up.

Where is this coming from?

This whole time,
you've been the one that's like,

"Oh, yeah, parties and dicks and shots.

"Let's put shots all over our bodies.
More sparkles, bitch!"

It's about me being sick of you just

meeting guys and
falling into their dick-sand.

Falling into their what?

Their dick-sand.

It's like, every time
a guy just looks at you,

you just forget who you are, and...

Like... (MOCKINGLY) "Oh!"

You get sucked into their world.

At least when I do decide
I want a boyfriend...

I'm gonna find someone
who likes me for who I really am,

because I know who the fuck that is.

(EXHALES)

Hey.

Oh, my God.

- Happy Birthday.
- (SCOFFS)

It's your birthday!

And I drank some of your gift.

You okay?

No. No.

God, you look pretty when you're pissed.

- I missed these.
- (CHUCKLES)

- What are we doing?
- We're about to have sex.

ALICE: What?

- God.
- What?

So, ever since I saw you,
I feel like we fucked up.

I shouldn't have let you go.

Because Michelle and I are still together,
and we're actually engaged

- and I feel like we're fucking up...
- What? What?

We're getting married,
but I don't know if I want to do it yet.

- Oh, my God.
- Wait!

- I'm just telling...
- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.
- Come here, come here.

You just let me make out
with somebody else's fiancé.

No, it's not cheating,
since we've already been together.

- What are you doing?
- Wait, just...

You told me you missed me!

I... That's the whole point,
I miss you all the time.

I saw you and you were so beautiful,
and you are so beautiful.

And I just need closure...

- I think we need...
- Is that what this...

- This is closure for you?
- Yeah.

Just one last screw for old times' sake

before you go and settle down
with somebody else?

(SIGHS) That's not...

I'm sorry, all right?

- Alice.
- No, you know, what?

I'm sorry. This is my fault.

I spent so much time wanting you back

that, when I thought
that you wanted me back,

it's like I lost my mind for a second.

Oh, my God. This is it!
This is the dick-sand.

I'm falling into your dick-sand right now.

- What?
- It's like quicksand, but with dicks.

I don't have dick-sand.

I'm so obsessed with the idea of
being in love that I just, it's like...

I completely lose myself.

Like, I forget what I want
and I just disappear.

I'm like the horse
in The Neverending Story.

I don't think it's coming out
like it's inside your head.

Josh. I want to be alone.

I know that I've said that a lot.

But, for the first time in my life,
I really, really, truly mean it.

Congratulations on your engagement.

(EXHALES)

Where to?

Home.

(SIGHS)

I'm going home.

Woman! I don't know
where the fuck you live.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Um, can I go to South Second and Berry?

- (ROBIN GRUNTS)
- Oh, my God!

- (ROBIN EXCLAIMS)
- Robin? Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Are you okay?

Take us to the hospital,
and I won't sue you!

- What's happening?
- We got to go...

- (TIRES SCREECHING)
- (ROBIN SCREAMS) Hey!

(MEG GROANS)

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, it's happening.

No, no, no.
It's fine, it's fine, it's fine.

- Oh, my God!
- No, it's fine!

I got her, I got her.

The average labor
for a new mom is 26 hours.

It doesn't pop out like it does on TV.

- It's gonna be fine.
- Okay.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, is it fine?
Is everything fine?

- Get a cab. Get me a cab.
- Okay!

ROBIN: I've got one!

(PANTING)

(GRUNTS) Ooh!

Take us to the hospital
and I won't sue you!

- (POP MUSIC PLAYING)
- MEG: (BREATHING HEAVILY) This is bad.

- Okay, okay.
- Oh... This is really bad! (GRUNTS)

I need to call my patients and say sorry.

No.

- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)
- This is not natural!

- Okay.
- God!

You're at 10 centimeters

and you've already entered
the second phase of labor,

- known as active labor.
- What?

I went to medical school.
Is that so hard to believe?

Yes!

This is gonna happen, like, right now.

Get your foot off my tit.

Get your foot off my tit, okay?

It's coming. You are the cliché!

You are the lady who's about to
have a baby in the back of a taxi

and I'm the Australian-American hero
who's gonna make it happen!

- In the cab, though?
- Don't worry, Meg.

My hands and my mouth have both
been recently sterilized by vodka.

- Feels like it's coming out.
- No, no, no, no...

ROBIN: I'm going in. I'm going in.

- Chant with me!
- ALICE: Hold it inside!

- We can do this.
- Do this.

We can do this.

We can do this, we can do this.

(GRUNTING)

We're here! We're here!

ALICE: Get out. Get out.
MEG: Okay, open the door.

ROBIN: Shit, the door's...
MEG: Open the door.

- It won't open!
- MEG: Open the door!

- It won't open!
- ALICE: The door!

Wait! The window's working.
We just got to...

- ALICE: What are you doing?
- The door's locked!

- (MEG CRYING)
- Just open the door!

MEG: It's coming out!

ALICE: Robin! Okay, you have to help her!

You have to help her.
She's gonna help you, okay?

MEG: I can't.
ALICE: Help her.

- (MEG GROANING)
- Come on!

Close your legs really tight.

- Do not let it come out!
- (GRUNTING)

Robin, it was locked!

(BOTH GROANING)

Come on!

(MEG GROANING)

- Oh! My purse.
- No, no, no, no!

- Keep it inside.
- MEG: It's coming out!

I need a... We need a wheelchair.

Jesus. Okay, don't let it come out!

- It's gonna come out.
- Don't let it come out.

- Wait, Meg. Meg! Meg!
- I need to... I need to push.

- It's coming out. It's coming out.
- Are you coming?

You don't need me anymore.

(MEG BREATHING RAPIDLY)

ALICE: Okay.
MEG: Oh, God. Okay.

- MEG: I'm scared.
- I'm right here.

(INFANT COOS)

(SOFTLY) Hi.

(WHISPERS) I called him.

Look, I know you don't want me here,
but just listen to me, okay?

You like me. A lot.

And I like you.

And you're crazy. That's a fact.

Honestly, I think you're probably
just as crazy when you're not pregnant.

But I'm allowed to say that,
because I love you.

I love you.

I'm gonna come back later.

Thanks for calling.

Don't be weird.

Thank you, thank...

Well, are you gonna come meet her or not?

- Her?
- Mmm-hmm.

KEN: It's a "her"?

This is baby Madeline.

Oh, my God, look at you.

Happy Birthday, sweetheart.

She's beautiful.

And I think I love you, too.

I mean, I do love you,
I don't know why I just said that.

I really love you.

- I really, really love you.
- (CHUCKLES)

(STAMMERS) I mean, I don't...

I can totally handle
all of this by myself.

I'm an independent woman.

My God, seriously?

But I don't want to.

I don't.

MEG: Mmm.

- Hi.
- Mmm.

- Doesn't she look like an alien?
- (SNORTS)

You are the most beautiful alien
in the world.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

(EXHALES)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Hi.

What do you want?

I wanted to tell you that I know
that I can do a lot of things on my own.

And I can unzip my own dress,
but I want you to do it for me.

That sounded really weird. Um...

I want you to watch me unzip my dress.

No, sorry. That sounded really sexual.
That's not what I meant.

What I meant is
I want to unzip my own dress

and I just want you to be around,
because you're my best friend.

And I love you.

(SNIFFLES) And I'm totally
in love with you, too.

This is more than just a friendship.

I'm so glad you feel the same way.

Just joking! (LAUGHS)

- Oh, my God.
- I got you.

Oh, but I do love you.

- And I missed you.
- Oh.

I've been having
Alice withdrawal, seriously.

Wait, are you kidding me?
Is this where you live?

(GASPS) Robin! This is
your 500 square feet,

where you keep your clothes
and occasionally bathe?

Uh, yeah.

I'm super rich. Did I not mention that?

Wait. Why do we always
hang out at my place?

Why did you even work at the firm?

(WHIRRING)

Wait, why do I pay for everything
all the time?

Wow.

Well, I didn't really need
to work at the firm.

I just really liked hanging out with you.

And screwing those two security guys.

Why do you have a scooter?

This is my indoor scooter.

I have the whole floor.

I have literally paid the bill,
every time we've gone out.

But that's how you stay super rich.

God!

You have so much to learn from me, still.

I want you to be my sugar-daddy.

I'll be your sugar-sister.

I thought you didn't do breakfast?

(SHUSHING) You're ruining it.

ALICE: I've been thinking that
the time we have to be single,

is really the time we have
to get good at being alone.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

But how good at being alone
do we really want to be?

Isn't there a danger
that you'll get so good at being single,

so set in your ways

that you'll miss out on the chance
to be with somebody great?

Hello, hello, hello, hello.

Some people take baby steps
to settle down.

(FAUCET HISSING)

Some people refuse to settle at all.

Sometimes, it's not statistics.

It's just chemistry.

(INAUDIBLE)

And sometimes, just because it is over,

doesn't mean the love ends.

Um... I want to talk to
you about your mom.

She got sick when you were really little

and I don't talk about her
because I still miss her.

Every day.

But we need to talk about her.

Who's that?

Me.

Who's that?

- Mommy.
- Yeah.

A lot of good memories in here.

I want to show you something.

(PHOEBE GIGGLING ON TV)

(SINGING CAN'T TAKE MY EYES OFF YOU)

(PHOEBE MUMBLING)

The Eyes of You song.
(CHUCKLES)

(VOCALIZING CONTINUES)

The Eyes of You song.

(CONTINUES SINGING)

(SINGING ALONG)

(DAVID HUMMING)

(SNIFFLES)

PHOEBE: Now I know why you never sing.

Why?

- Because your voice is so bad.
- (LAUGHS)

What are you talking about?
That was excellent.

ALICE: The thing about being single is,
you should cherish it.

Because, in a week,
or a lifetime, of being alone,

you may only get one moment.

One moment, when you're not tied up
in a relationship with anyone.

A parent, a pet, a sibling, a friend.

(PANTING)

One moment, when you stand on your own.

Really, truly single.

(CHUCKLES)

And then...

It's gone.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)