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What could they possibly be doing?

- 'Cause we have all the toilet paper. - Seriously?

Dad, I told you not to bring anything...

Dad.

He doesn't listen to me.

- Oh, my God. - Seriously...

- Maybe it's the... - ...it's ridiculous.

- Ooh, look at that. - It's pretty good, right?

That's our neighbor.

We think she drops stuff,

or stomps around, we don't know.

Mission accomplished.

I gotcha, Mom.

Wait...

No, gotta go back.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

Okay.

All right. Come on, Ma.

Yup, yup...

That's it.

There you go.

Oh... Come on.

- Open the door. - Yeah, okay.

Let me help.

Pull it back.

There you go.

God.

- Careful. - Okay.

It's pretty big, right?

It's definitely bigger than your last place.

Have you complained about the noise?

No, Dad, she's a 70-year-old Chinese woman,

- I'm not gonna... - Well, Brigid, I'm 61.

Older people can still process information.

- I'm saying she means well. - We're still...

She's older,

I don't wanna disturb her if I don't have to.

Here, give me your coats.

Coat.

And everybody here come back...

And everybody here come back...

This fever...

And everywhere do we come back...

- I know I'm calling. - Is she...

What's she...

Even when she is sayin' real stuff,

what's been comin' out is still all...

And now all in black.

The doctor says it's normal, the repeating.

You can never come back...

MoMo, you can absolutely come back,

- any time you want. - You can never come back.

Having her at home with us,

until it becomes too much, it's a blessing, you know?

Right, Erik?

- Dad. - Oh...

Whoa, come back to earth.

- Sorry, sorry. Long drive. - Are you okay?

Yeah, once I get some caffeine in me, I'll be good.

This is a fancy chair.

Erik, check out this fancy chair.

Rich's parents got us that, a couch, too.

Not sure if the living area will be here,

or this might become the bedroom.

Dad, you won't get any reception up here unless...

- Is it a Verizon phone? - Sprint.

Then you have to lean up against the window.

Yeah, but no.

Yeah, now lean in.

Lean in.

Smush your body up... There you go.

Oh, God... Oh, my God.

Are you okay?

Yes, I think so.

Hey, who's walking around out there?

- Hey. - Yeah?

Who's walking around out there?

Probably the super, he's the only one with access.

No, I think it's a woman.

Probably the super's wife.

- Huh? - I'll be taking this closet.

Eighty-three pairs of shoes.

It really feels dangerous to put a queen

in front of the radiator.

And also, you don't want... The door is right there.

- Okay... - I got you, Ma.

I think it's secret looking...

Hey, Detective, this is New York, people are loud.

Hey, he had a rough night,

- he hasn't been sleeping. - Deirdre...

Why haven't you been sleeping? Are you okay?

- Erik, you haven't... - Yeah, I'm okay.

I forgot the toilet paper!

Okay, hang on.

I don't know if he's having nightmares or what.

The sheets were covered in sweat last night.

Rich sometimes takes a sleeping pill,

- I can ask what kind. - Oh, right.

Like your dad'd ever try any sorta...

No, no...

Rich's been having weird dreams about...

He thinks they're related to the stress of the move.

And he keeps me up trying to unravel their meaning.

He took one psychology course

and suddenly, he's an armchair psychiatrist.

I took two psychology courses!

One.

- Hey, there, Rich! - I found those on the curb,

can you believe someone was gonna throw them out?

Richard, what are you yelling at me?

I said, "Bring down the napkins, please!"

Yeah, Richard,

or you could get them yourself.

Wait, do you actually want me to come up...

No, no, I got them, sorry.

Hey!

These are different colors?

Woodmont Cream, Fresh Air,

Athena, Dove Wing, Hint of Mint.

- What happened here? - Mom...

You know, if you moved to Scranton,

your quality of life would shoot up.

If I moved to Scranton,

your quality of life would shoot up tremendously.

- Oh, yeah? - Don't flatter yourself.

These look so similar to me.

They're literally different.

I wish you had more of a view.

Mom, it's an interior courtyard.

Oh.

Well, perhaps we can all take a stroll

in the interior courtyard after dinner.

Don't laugh.

I'm just smiling.

- Stop it. - I just smiled.

You're crying, you're laughing so hard.

- Don't take that stroll. - Here we go.

Here we go.

Do not take that stroll. I can't.

Excuse me, um, I'm taking MoMo

to the, uh, interior courtyard.

Bridge, you didn't even open our care package?

I'm not opening anything until the moving truck gets here!

What?

What did you say?

Stop...

What did you say?

Remember when we drugged Aunt Edith?

No, no, it's still stuck in Queens!

What?

- I said... - I can't hear you.

- It's still stuck in Queens! - ...on its way?

Is it still stuck in Queens?

I can't hear you.

- Hey, come here. - What?

Stop it. Get me champagne and stop talking.

Mom, for you.

- Oh, thank you. - What did you get us?

- Thank you. - You have to open it,

Aimee, that's how presents work.

- It's how it usually works. - Thank you.

Erik, don't. I wanna save the wrapping.

- Oh, man. - Found it when I was packing.

Man, were we ever this young? Look how young you are, Aimee.

I'm an elephant in this photo.

- No. - Stop it.

And I'm holding a funnel cake.

I can't even blame genetics.

This is gold, Bridge, thank you.

- Thanks. - It really is, honey,

- thank you. - Check it out, Ma.

I am a planet in this photo.

Oh, stop it.

- I'm bigger than you. - You look beautiful.

Oh, I miss Wildwood.

Go back, take a vacation.

Talk to this one, he hates traveling.

I do not hate traveling.

You hate traveling to New York.

I do not hate traveling to New York.

- Okay, that's a lie. - Yes, you do!

No, I hate that you moved a few blocks

from where two towers got blown up

and in a major flood zone,

- I hate that. - This area is safe.

Chinatown flooded during the last hurricane, it flooded.

Yeah, that's how I can afford to live here.

It's not like you gave me any money to help me out.

Dad...

Oh, come on.

- Dad... - There's gaps everywhere.

- You gotta caulk. - Okay. Thanks, repairman.

No one's gonna steer a plane

into a fish market on Grand Street.

I liked you living in Queens, all right?

I worry enough with Aimee

on the top floor of the Cira Centre.

Well, stop,

Philly's more stable than New York.

- Aimee, don't make him... - I'm just saying it's safer!

Yeah, 'cause not even terrorists

wanna spend time in Philly,

Philly is awful.

You think everything's awful, you think Scranton is awful,

- but it's where your... - We think it's awful, Dad.

Dad, it is!

Yeah, well, what I think is funny

is how you guys, you both move to big cities

and you trash Scranton,

MoMo almost killed herself gettin' outta New York.

She didn't have a real toilet,

and her granddaughter moves right back to the place

she struggled to escape.

Yes, we know, "return to the slums."

MoMo had no toilet...

Oh, man, that store on the corner of Eldridge?

Hey!

Hey, Rich.

We went in there to get you a candle...

Don't tell him that,

we didn't end up buying it.

Well, it was the most expensive candles

I've ever seen in my life.

- They were $25. - That's a lot of money!

Damn right, that's insane,

you should get five candles for that.

Oh, my gosh.

- Can I help you? - Thought, uh,

we could have a little champagne toast up here.

- Okay, here we go. - Jeez, okay.

Brigid claims we need to bless the upstairs and downstairs.

- We do. - That is right.

Here, give me a hug, Rich.

We only have these plastic cups,

but it sets the bar very low if we ever have to host again.

Well, that's okay,

champagne will make the cups feel fancy.

That's plenty, thank you. Lovely.

MoMo's still good with prayers and music, Rich.

I'm so sorry, this will be weird for you,

she makes us sing about Jesus.

All right, let's just,

are we gonna sing the Hail Mary?

I don't make you sing about Jesus.

- Then we won't sing. - Yes, you do.

You're gonna not sing then, Mom?

♪ The Lord is with you ♪

♪ Blessed are you among women ♪

♪ And blessed is the fruit of your womb ♪

♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Holy Mary ♪

It's okay, Mom. It's okay.

Okay, MoMo.

No, it's okay. It's okay.

Yeah, she's... It's not...

Not one of her good days.

So you got any, uh...

You got any music gigs coming up,

can we come embarrass you?

Ugh, guys, no...

Yeah, I miss hearing your music, Brigid.

I'm bartending most nights,

you have no clue how much student debt I'm stuck with.

Well, I do know someone who refused

to go to a state school.

- Ah, not funny. - Score one for Dad.

- Oh, God! Oh... - Are you okay?

- Sorry... That is... - I thought that was gonna...

That's fine, it was like that this morning. I tried to...

Should have just left it, but... Uh, it's safe.

Let's...

There are appetizers out downstairs.

Great idea, let's go downstairs.

- Okay. - Downstairs.

I'm just going to use the little girls' room first.

I'll take MoMo.

- You sure? - Yeah, I never get to see her.

Are you ready, MoMo?

- Dad? - All right.

- Go downstairs. - Okay. Okay.

Jeez.

Oh, what do, uh...

How do I get MoMo down there?

What do you mean?

Should I just dump her down the spiral staircase?

God, sorry.

- Beer? - Huh? Uh, yeah.

Yeah, I'll take a Coke, too, if you've got soda.

- Yeah, sure, coming right up. - Thanks.

- Detroit's up seven. - Oh...

- Oh, the football game. - Mm-hmm.

- How's the, uh... - Thank you.

...lake house coming along?

Heard you might build this summer?

Uh, not until the sewers get put in.

Doesn't make any sense to build with a septic system

when they're putting in sewers soon.

Sooner the better,

I can't wait for a lake house Christmas.

You're gonna miss the old house.

I will. I won't miss

the wall-to-wall carpeting or the bunk beds.

Work's good, Erik?

You're still at, uh...

It's a Catholic high school, right?

St. Mark's, for 28 years.

Wow, that's impressive.

Oh, don't make it sound...

I headed up maintenance and a couple of years ago,

they needed an Equipment Manager, so...

It's a big job, triple-A school,

he handles all the phys-ed classes,

- manages the weight room... - All right. Okay. Enough.

- ...the kids love him. - Enough. Enough, enough.

That's impressive.

Nah, it's practical.

I got the girls free tuition.

You don't pick up after other people's kids for 28 years

unless you really love your own, you know?

Hey,

to 28 years.

28 years.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Oh, jeez.

Your toilet seat is broken.

- I know, go downstairs. - I love you, I'm just saying.

You decide on an architect for the lake house?

Uh, no, it's a ways away.

I actually like having the, uh,

design process to look forward to.

- I like the planning stages. - Yeah, well, our budget's...

We're gonna use one of those places, uh,

where they have pre-designed homes you can choose from.

- Sure, good idea. - Yeah.

Place we're looking at has good designs, you know?

Yeah, no, that's... That's great.

I'll tell, you, Rich, save your money now.

'Cause I thought I'd be settled by my age,

but man, it never ends.

Mortgage, car payments, Internet...

Our dishwasher just gave out.

- Oh, man. - Yeah.

Don't you think it should cost less to be alive?

Absolutely.

I'd started cutting my own hair to save some money.

Yeah, messed it up pretty good.

Thank God I'm married.

- So, you... - Brigid said...

Oh...

- Go... Sorry, what? - No... No.

Do you want some ice?

- Sure. - Yeah.

So you've been having weird dreams, too?

- Huh? - You can hear a lot

through the, uh...

I just caught you haven't been sleeping.

Thought maybe...

I've been having weird dreams all week.

I think it's because of the move.

Last night, I was polishing a silver refrigerator

and my dog was caught inside.

And I don't have a dog.

- Oh, man. - Yeah, weird stuff.

Yes, sounds like it.

- Mm. - Yeah.

No.

I don't even remember my, uh...

Not even when I had one of those ones that...

What?

Ah, you know,

the ones where you need a minute just to realize...

- Oh... - Ah, don't worry about it.

- Sorry. No, I got it. - Here, no.

- Okay. - Okay.

- God. - Welcome.

Hello. So, this is what lies beneath.

Mom!

Oh, good Lord.

Are you snooping? What are you holding?

That's just my arthritis,

snooper.

Is that present for me?

Yeah, open it downstairs.

Is it a fancy candle?

Yes, smart-ass.

I'll give you a fancy candle, keep walkin'.

It won't work down here, sorry.

Well, M&A transactions aren't a source of joy

in my life, so my phone could use the rest.

She's an all-star there.

Dad... Ugh, no.

Um, I was informed that I'm no longer

- on the partner track. - What?

- When did that happen? - That mean it just takes

- more time? - Nope,

it's the nice way of telling me to start looking

- for another job. - Really?

Why would they do that?

I just, I missed a lot of time last year

when I was sick and then...

No, she has Ulcerative Colitis, Rich.

Mom.

- It affects the colon. - Okay. Okay, Mom.

So... And, um, I missed... I missed even more time

right before they made their decision,

so I had another flare up this month.

Oh, babe, I'm sorry.

- Yeah. Okay. - Why didn't you tell us?

You know, they can't fire you

because of a medical condition.

Well, they gave other reasons, obviously, but...

Yeah, you get the sense that they support

your chronic illness

as long as it doesn't affect your billable hours, you know.

They don't deserve you.

How about financially, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm set for a while.

- For a few months or... - Dad, I'm fi...

I'll let you know if I need money, okay? I'm...

I don't want to talk about my job or...

But just, how are you feeling?

Just minor cramping, okay? I'm good. I am.

How about food-wise? Can we get you

- something special? - No, I'm fine.

- Are you sure? - Yes, I'm...

Sorry.

Just, at ease, everyone, okay? Can we just...

Hey, why don't we do a downstairs toast...

- Yes. Yeah. - ...before we break you.

To the Blake family

- Thanksgiving. - Oh, yeah.

To the very special Chinatown edition

of the Blake family Thanksgiving.

Hear, hear.

- Neither rain nor hail... - The storm and all.

Nor sleet nor snow...

Nor... What else?

- Nor dementia. - Oh.

Okay, now you're pushing it.

- What, too soon? - Yeah.

- That felt too soon to me. - You better give her a hug.

- We love you, Momes. - Gosh.

Love you.

To knowing this is what matters,

right here, right here.

Because let me tell you,

uh, coming down these streets, thinking about how far

the Blakes have come...

Uh, and even seeing that candle store was...

It's not a candle store,

it's a boutique that sells,

- like, one candle. - Hey, I'm appreciating how...

You see rich people walking around New York,

God knows where their money comes from,

but end of the day,

everything anyone's got...

I don't care how many candles you have,

one day it goes.

Whatever gifts God's given us, in the end,

no matter who you are, everything you have goes.

Well, that's the positive way of looking at things.

I mean...

- Wow. - What?

- Ooh. - That's just so...

- That's a lot. - I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, yeah.

I love my family. That's the short version.

- Oh, maybe, yeah. - That one's better.

Okay... I'm glad we're together.

Yeah, wow. You should do that at a funeral.

It's so nice.

- Richard. - So nice. It's so nice.

I can't.

It's a whole fire.

Shut it down.

That sets the tone.

It's ambiance.

So how you doing, Mom?

Ah, I'm good, I'm good.

Oh, did you get that text I sent you?

Bridge, this girl who played basketball for Dunmore

was bullied for being gay.

Her mom found her dead in her room on Tuesday.

- Whoa. - Oh, man.

Yeah, suicide with some kinda pills.

It's all over the news.

I texted you, I was sure to... I wasn't sure if you got it?

Yeah, this week was crazy.

No, I'm just behind with messages, yeah.

Yeah, you don't have to text her

every time a lesbian kills herself.

- I don't. - She doesn't do that.

- I get enough... - Look, I appreciate it.

...annoying forwards myself.

I'm not gonna clog up your guys' inbox.

No, you're not, Mom. You're good, though?

- I am, yeah. - Yeah?

My bosses are...

Salsa...

I'm an office manager, Rich,

I've been with the same company since right

- out of high school. - Oh.

Whole place'd fall apart without her.

Yeah, well, my salary doesn't reflect that.

And these new kids they've hired,

I'm now working for two more guys in their 20s.

I don't even wanna talk about it.

Can you pass me the...

Thank you.

And just because they have a special degree,

they're making five times what I make,

over 40 years I've been there.

- Wow, 40 years. - Hey, focus on the lake house,

you can unwind soon.

You gotta take care of yourself.

You know, it's smart to wait for the sewers.

That'll... Property value is gonna skyrocket.

Thanks, Professor.

Yeah, when are they gonna be installed?

It's up to the Department of Public Works.

- Hmm. - Okay, we got...

And how's Aunt Mary?

Oh, she's hanging in there, God love her.

Rich, this is their aunt

- who had both knees replaced. - Can you pass the...

I drive her to her physical therapy.

Get it yourself.

They got this contraption now

to help load her into the pool.

Oh, fancy.

Oh, and did I e-mail you that Pam Hoban has ovarian cancer?

She does? Yikes.

Oh, man, how's she doing?

Yeah, I'm taking her to her treatments

'cause her and her brother,

they don't speak anymore.

She's being tough, so...

What else?

Oh, on Tuesdays I'm...

Mom, you're talking with your mouth full.

I'm now volunteering...

Father Paul told me...

And don't roll your eyes, Erik.

I'm not saying a word.

...right in Scranton, there's a whole community

of refugees from Bhutan.

- What? It's not funny. - Let me guess,

Saint Deirdre is coming to their rescue?

You have no idea.

Be quiet, you have no idea, these people have nothing.

They're all just looking to learn English, to find work.

We think we have nothing, but, man.

That's great you're volunteering.

Thanks, Rich.

And how are you, Mom?

Aimee didn't ask how the Republic of Bhutan was doing.

I'm good, smart-ass, I said that already.

Now why don't you open your gifts.

Mom, I was just teasing.

Hey, guys, no one be alarmed

if I'm up and down these stairs, like, a million times

- to use the facilities. - You want me to go with you?

- This... - Careful with that.

...is beautiful wrapping.

I believe I picked it out, when I gave you...

I believe you might have.

...your birthday gift.

- Just, just think... - Maybe.

Oh, Rich. Check it out.

- Oh, this is awesome, thanks. - And what is this other...

- Honey, it's fragile. - ...beautiful,

fragile mystery.

- Ooh. - Okay, before you tease me...

A Virgin Mary statue...

I know you guys don't believe,

...with a serpent under her foot.

...but she's appearing everywhere now,

not just in Fatima, but in West Virginia...

- Mm-hmm. - And...

Just keep it for my sake in the kitchen,

or even if you put it in a drawer somewhere, okay?

Mom, I will absolutely

put this in a drawer somewhere, thank you.

Watch out.

You want to go for a ride, Mom?

We can go for a ride.

Hey, no, I don't remember mine

if I don't write them down in the morning.

Whatever it was, couldn't have been any scarier

than the, um...

I made him watch this...

What was it called, Erik? The movie...

The Lifetime movie about the housewife who got AIDS.

Oh, yeah, she made me watch it.

Guys, it was so cheesy, but really terrifying.

Worst two hours of my life.

What was so scary about it?

Well, this housewife cheats on her husband

and he comes home from work and asks her how her day was.

I mean, what can she say?

"Oh, today I cheated on you

"and contracted the HIV virus, honey,

"how was your day?"

Can you imagine?

You're trying to be a comedian,

no more wine for you.

Have you seen the one where, um...

I think it's called My Stepson, My Lover?

Oh, that was a classic, Rich.

No, Mom, please don't be gross.

She's... She's fine.

Be nicer to your mom, babe.

Thanks, Rich.

As soon as it left my mouth...

Anything I say makes her...

Yeah.

Who does she remind you of?

- You. - Me?

- You. It's you, my friend. - She's all you, my friend.

- Do it. - No.

This is... This is just the worst.

Don't wait until after dinner.

Erik, can I get you another beer?

Uh, yeah, please.

Brigid said you guys went on a cruise last summer.

Oh, yeah, we've gone on four of 'em now,

to Halifax and Mexico.

You ever been on one?

Not on one of those big ships.

I've sailed with my family growing up.

We try to get the girls to come but, uh,

they think it's pretty lame, you know.

Yeah, well, we know it's cheesy, but we like it

because they take care of everything.

Yeah.

- You feel taken care of. - Yeah, I get that.

Are you able to avoid all of the touristy stuff

- when you dock? Or do you... - Oh, the, well...

They let you off at pretty good spots usually.

- Mm, cool. - Where there's lots to do.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Spots are pretty good usually where they

- leave you off at. - Right, yeah, cool.

They usually have decent

entertainment options on the ship.

Lots of singers have professional credits.

Lots of stuff going on all at once.

- Sounds awesome. - Yeah, yeah,

at night she can go see a show and I can go, you know,

- do something else. - Gamble. You gamble.

Or whatever else I feel like doing.

Well, come on, don't act like you play shuffleboard

on the lido deck.

Gonna check the score of the game.

Okay.

...finish drinking your shake, Ma.

- Oh! - Mom!

I got it...

- Mom, it's everywhere. - Erik!

Mom, don't worry, we have loads of paper towels.

Had a minor spill.

Someone's in here.

Oh, there's some shake in the crudite...

On the wall...

- You okay? - Um...

I'm just worried about the roads.

It's snowing out there.

I... I think someone from a higher floor

just emptied their ash tray.

Rich!

Yup!

There's some shake in your hummus.

You know what? I'll just scoop it out.

Hey, hi...

I... I know,

I know...

Happy Thanksgiving.

I know, but I...

I know, I just thought the holidays

could be an exception.

I just wanted to hear your...

No, I get it.

No, I figured, um...

Yeah, I saw your pics online, so...

No, no, I think it's good, you know.

And I've been dating, too, so... Yeah.

Yeah.

Nothing, nothing serious, but yeah.

Yeah.

You're fine, babe.

No, I'm not.

- Mm! - Don't tell me stuff.

- Manganese... - Don't tell me stuff.

Riboflavin.

Well, I'll let you go.

But I'm glad that you're...

I will... I'll... I'll tell them.

Yeah, absolutely, they'll appreciate that.

And love to all of your...

Exactly.

Yeah.

Happy Thanksgiving.

And, uh...

Well, you don't have to wish me a Merry...

We... We can talk again before Christmas.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah... Uh-huh...

Maybe...

Yeah, well, maybe your therapist is right.

It's just that the holidays would feel

wrong, you know, without us at least...

No, I respect that.

Yeah.

Well, look, uh, love to all your...

You, too. Okay, you, too.

Bye.

I miss her.

Hey, listen, you'll find someone new.

Hey, I'm serious,

- you're gonna find someone. - No. Not with history.

Carol knew me with acne.

She... She helped me with my law school application.

You're gonna come outta this stronger,

- I promise. - Oh, just stop, Daddy,

just stop lying to me. Just... Stop!

Don't actually stop.

Keep saying things to me.

Okay.

- Give me a minute. - Okay.

She refused to quit driving, Rich.

- Oh... - But six years ago,

Erik couldn't bring himself to take the keys from her,

so he got her to take a driver's exam

so the decision wouldn't be on him.

And part of the test

is they show her a picture of a "yield" sign,

but without the word "yield" on it.

And God love her, she can't answer that.

But enough of her is still there

that she goes to the poor guy giving the test,

really pissed off, she goes,

"Trust me, I'd know what to do if I was driving."

So he goes, "Then just tell me what you'd do

"if you were driving and pulled up to this sign."

And she goes,

"I'd see what everyone else was doing,

"then I'd do that."

Oh, my God.

Where're you at

with the whole nursing home discussion?

Mom is...

As long as Uncle John can watch her weekdays,

we're fine.

I love that you guys...

Oh, um... I was just gonna say

I love that you both call her "Mom."

That's what she is to me,

that's what's special about marriage, Rich.

- A real marriage... - Okay.

- ...you get two families. - Okay.

I am very committed to Brigid.

Well,

Mom's calm now, Rich,

but, man, when she isn't, it's...

It's like watching her

turn into someone else, you know?

Can I...

Oh, yeah, just lift her feet back.

Before we got her on these new meds,

you could've put some of her worst outbursts

in a horror flick.

- Brigid's? I agree. - Dad.

No, I'm serious.

- Richard... - Ambiance.

Seeing these ads for that zombie show on TV.

I can't believe people

wanna watch that kind of stuff at night.

- There's always... - Oh,

she hates anything with blood or gore.

Yeah, there's enough going on in the real world

to give me the creeps,

- I don't need any more... - That's like...

I bet she'd appreciate, uh...

There's this comic book called Quasar

that I was obsessed with as a kid, and it's about...

You're still obsessed with Quasar.

Okay, well, I am, be quiet, um...

It's about this species of, like, half-alien,

half-demon creatures with teeth on their backs.

Oh, my God, just call them monsters.

And in their world...

And on their planet, they like...

The scary stories

that they tell each other are all about us.

The horror stories for the monsters

are about humans.

Thank God he's in grad school.

I love that.

Well, people are... You should meet my boss.

No teeth on his back,

- but, man... - Mm-hmm.

The monsters aren't scared of us,

- so why would... - Sure they are.

There's... It's always a man driving a stake

through the heart of a vampire,

or if you're a zombie, you eat people,

but your biggest threat is what?

Getting killed by some enterprising human, right?

- I get it, Rich... - Yeah.

They'd be more scared by monster-eating monsters

or something, am I right?

Monsters aren't real,

so it's a weird thing to wanna be right about.

Okay.

Probably the soundest argument.

Not what you thought last night.

You thought that was pretty real.

There's sweat on the sheets to prove it.

Oh, man, you can't let that go, can you?

Well, why don't...

Just tell me what you dreamed, and I'll drop it.

You... You're assuming I saw something specific

when she just...

- It wasn't like that, okay? - Wait, wait, "she"?

So you do remember something specific about that dream.

You guys are relentless.

Rich, help me out here.

Erik, have you been dreaming about

- a supermodel this whole time? - I tell Brigid my dreams.

Yes, you do, all of them.

Two weeks ago, I dreamt

that my oldest sister was a mannequin

- working in a grocery store. - Richard.

What, I'm serious.

- All I remember... - Ooh, what?

Well, there's not much to...

Tell us.

Come on.

A couple of nights, I've had this...

There'll be a, uh...

A woman...

And?

What?

And her back is to me...

Or maybe something happens where...

Her head turns, and I can see that her face is all...

Um...

- What? - Just tell us.

Her skin is stretched

over her eyes and her mouth.

- Ew! - She's got no face?

No...

Skin where her eyes and mouth should be, you know...

- Oh, my... Ew. - Yeah, yeah...

And... Over the holes in her ears...

Oh!

Okay...

How's that for timing?

- Okay... - Nice.

What the hell is going on up there?

What is she doing up there?

You think she's exercising or something?

No, you think she's sweatin' to the Oldies up there?

No way.

Oh, you know what it probably is?

- What? - What is it?

I'm just realizing...

- It's the Faceless Lady... - Oh, nice.

- ...telling us to be quiet. - That's very funny.

Are you drunk?

Or maybe she wants some turkey.

But how would she eat turkey?

She's got no mouth.

You know... I'm... Thank... I'm glad I...

I... I opened up about my nightmare.

Oh, my God, just tell us the rest.

Thank you for your love and support.

Hey!

Should I ask the dinosaur upstairs

to tread a little more softly?

Not unless you speak Cantonese!

Just get down here.

You'll appreciate this, Erik...

Last week, I dreamt that I fell through

an ice cream cone made of grass

- and became a baby. - Okay, no, no, no,

save the dreams for Christmas, we're ready to eat here.

- Aimee! - Why don't I go up there

and just ask your neighbors to please...

- No! Dad... Dad. - ...just to keep it down.

The floors are so old. Listen...

Why?

Showing Dad how creaky the floors are.

Okay.

I think he's got it.

Bridge, you're shaking the fixtures.

Try it.

- No. - Ha! Ha!

Oh, my God! I'm not meant to jump.

Join me!

Is this yours?

Yeah.

Whoo!

My gosh...

Do you see the Mary statue?

She's talking to me about marriage.

We were doing so good,

I don't know why she's back to...

I don't know, some things... Some...

I don't know.

Can I give you a little tip?

- Sure. - Before you carve it,

you want it to sit out and rest for a little bit.

Oh, okay.

Don't do it right away.

Maybe you could help...

How about cleaning up?

I can do a few dishes for you.

Always. Are you into shallots?

- Do I what? - Do you like shallots?

Rich made up this list

of pros and cons, to move in or not to move in.

Aimee, his list...

I found this little guy

posted to the fridge this morning.

Prepare yourself.

"Three simple ways to find joy."

- Come on. - I literally took it down.

Oh, no.

- Put it back. - No.

- Yeah. - No.

No, that's... Endearing.

The list is okay.

No.

No, I...

- No, that's good. - ...couldn't look at it.

Poor Rich.

- He's great. - But we were happy

without making it so official, so...

I don't know.

Yeah, well, Carol and I broke up because

we were unhappy...

And now, um...

Maybe loving someone long-term is more

about deciding whether to go through life

unhappy alone or unhappy with someone else?

Richard can draw up a list of reasons

why the breakup was a good thing.

If you want.

I can ask him to draft a very long list.

- Hey, wait. - What?

Um, I need to have that surgery.

- The one where they'll... - I thought you could wait

- till your 60s. - All these tests

showed that it's just dysplasia,

which means it's not cancer.

But it'll...

With colitis, it'll become cancer

if they don't take it out.

You'll lose the whole intestine?

Cures the disease, though,

so...

But, yeah,

they make a hole in your abdomen and then...

So the waste can, you know...

Do Mom and Dad know?

No, I don't want to discuss it at dinner.

But...

I'm okay.

I'm mostly just, like,

how am I gonna find another girlfriend?

- You're a complete catch. - Oh, God.

I'm gonna be pooing out of a hole in my abdomen.

Who's gonna date me?

Lots of people.

Lotta ugly people.

Aimee...

A lot of just troll ladies,

who have their own troll problems

living under bridges.

If you shat out your ears,

if they rerouted your colon to your ears,

I'd still marry you.

Bridge!

Can you bring down some paper towels?

I could come and get the paper towels

if you don't want...

Or...

You know, I'm more worried about...

Did you notice Mom's knees?

Going down the stairs?

Oh, yeah, I'm afraid to ask her

- how her arthritis is. - Yeah.

And Dad's back...

Well, you know it's bothering him.

- Yeah. - I mean, can't you...

- ...tell? - No. But maybe it's 'cause

he hasn't been sleeping.

- Shit... - Was that this light?

Yeah, fuck. Rich, the light up here is out.

Do we have a spare bulb?

Open the bathroom door.

Let the light spill into the...

That's not a very good solution, Richard.

Well, I'm not a magician,

you want me to make a light bulb appear

- out of thin air? - Hey, Rich, how 'bout

there's an LED lantern in our care package.

Let me get that out

so it's not like a cave up there, problem solved.

No, Deirdre, please,

you don't have to do that. Sit... Relax.

You bought us a lantern?

I bought it!

You'll thank me later.

After what the hurricane did to this neighborhood,

you can't be without light. Not in a basement apartment!

Are these surgical masks?

They say another storm's gonna strike this year.

You're in a Zone-A flood zone!

I don't blame you for worrying after, um...

Brigid told me about you and Aimee.

That's sort of annoying.

Obviously.

Maybe a little too much tuna, Mom.

Good to know.

Should this be out for dinner?

- I wasn't sure if... - No...

That's not a thing, Rich. No.

Oh.

There are literally

3,000 double-A batteries in here.

There are literally 12.

What's funny is

Bridge is the one who would...

Well...

You can imagine her as a teenager.

- Oh... - Yeah.

She was a piece a work.

Bridge... What?

She loved teasing me

because Scranton was a stone's throw

from the greatest city in the world

and I'd never even, you know...

I'd never even seen the Statue of Liberty,

never seen the... She was a piece of work.

- Bridge... - So when Aimee, um,

got an interview

to be a paralegal at this New York firm,

I took the day off and drove her in.

Aimee was at her interview by 8:45, 37th floor.

I was at a Dunkin' Donuts across the street,

'cause the observation deck didn't open until 9:30,

otherwise...

Oh, man.

Took me hours to find her

because I didn't have a cell back then.

Can't even imagine it.

- Yeah. - So crazy.

What's crazy is how you still mess up, you know?

Hmm.

- I heard something! - Okay!

Where did it go? Did you see it?

Whoa! Hey, what's going on?

- I have nothing to stand on. - Whoa, are you okay?

There's a cockroach.

- Where did it go? - Just relax.

It was an American cockroach,

they're huge. Don't get so upset.

Ew. Okay.

A cockroach the size of a mouse is upsetting!

I'm not gonna...

I don't think I can be up here right now.

All right, I'll get it when it comes back.

Shouldn't we kill it?

- Okay. - I'm not killing it.

I'll get it when it comes back.

- Don't laugh. - I didn't.

You gotta caulk.

Why don't you let me caulk, I'll put down some boric acid.

Okay. I hear you.

- I hear you, Erik, all right. - Well, you didn't.

I had roaches once.

When?

My first Philly apartment.

- They ate all the food. - What?

Mom?

Mom?

Mom?

Dee, Mom's gone!

Mom! Mom?

Oh, my God, Mom!

Mom! Hey! Hey...

- Mm. - Good.

Babe, is this a thing?

Is this a thing?

No that's not a thing.

I think this is a thing.

Wow!

...you bitch...

Hey, should we bring her wheelchair

to the table for dinner?

No, no, she'll be sleeping soon.

Does the medicine make her sleep?

- Why shouldn't she... - It just calms her down.

We can bring her to the table, see how she feels.

Yeah, don't knock her out just because...

Hey, if you want to come home more often

and help control her tantrums, then you can judge

the way we care for her.

I'm not trying to judge you. I just want...

Can't you hire someone

- to help you out? - Costs 100 bucks a night

to hire someone to watch her,

100 bucks to make sure she doesn't fall and get hurt.

Hey, okay...

No, she needs to think before she opens her mouth.

Let's all just...

God bless us, everyone.

Will everyone eat dark meat?

Will we eat dark meat?

We'll eat it all, Rich, just send it our way.

I will, it's just...

I'm back on Weight Watchers.

That's great, Mom.

- Oh, thanks, yeah. It's tough. - Yeah.

One baby ice cream cone

takes up half my points for the day.

Yeah.

Same for a junior cheeseburger from Wendy's.

- Tough staying on track. - Yeah.

Especially when you eat a bucket of ranch dip

before dinner.

It's the last side dish, yeah?

- Don't worry about it. - I'm not being careful

- about points today. - Nope.

- Not on holidays. - No.

I got you a drink, baby.

Oh, thanks, babe.

♪ Here comes turkey ♪

Wow, look at that.

♪ Turkey for the people ♪

- That's gorgeous. - Nice.

Too nice.

My partner is a singer.

Is that, uh... Is the candles, are they okay?

No, they're not... Yeah, they're fine.

It's ambiance.

I don't know what it is...

Hands.

- Oh... - Oh, yeah.

Okay.

- Bless us... - Oh, Lord,

and these thy gifts

which we are about to receive from thy bounty,

through Christ our Lord, Amen.

- Did you hear that? - MoMo,

I'm really glad you're here!

Uh... Is... Is it crazy if we do it again?

- Just one more time? - No...

- Let's do it some more. - You have to, yeah.

Bless us, oh, Lord,

and these thy gifts which we are about to receive,

from thy bounty, through Christ our Lord, Amen.

- Yay, Mom! - Yay, Momo!

Oh, Mom... You remember Aimee and Brigid,

Mom, these are your granddaughters.

We're glad you're here, Momes.

Don't put the spotlight on her.

Oh, no, no, no.

Okay. No, no, no. Okay, okay, okay.

Guys, dig in. Don't wait.

It just all looks so great.

- Looks good. - Wow.

What's this?

Oh, it's a rainbow chard salad,

it's packed with nutrients.

Everything else is familiar.

The sweet potatoes...

Shower in holes.

What?

What?

MoMo's Christmas toast.

I'm sorry.

Okay. On Christmas,

MoMo always delivers a traditional Irish toast,

it's ancient... It's ancient, right?

Yeah, it's ancient and it's beautiful, but...

One year, Aimee's mind was in the gutter.

I was 12.

Ever since, the blessing sounds kinda dirty to us.

No, to you guys it sounds dirty.

Not to us.

What's the blessing?

"May the Virgin and her Child

"lift your latch on Christmas night."

Oh...

- Ooh. - Not you, too, Rich.

I know, right?

They don't get it.

We get it, we just don't agree.

I first thought latch-lifting

was some kind of sexual position.

Mom! Ew.

No, I'm serious.

I thought maybe it was like scissoring,

- or something. - Oh, my God.

I'm never telling you anything again.

You must never say the word "scissoring" ever again.

Oh, Mom.

- I got it. - She's rebelling.

You stay down.

No, I got it, you keep eating.

I got it, keep eating.

So, Rich, are you balancing a job

with all your studies

or you just racking up the college loans?

I... I've gone the loan route.

Uh-huh.

But I plan on paying everything off

as soon as possible.

His grandmother...

He gets a small trust when he turns 40...

Can I tell them?

Do you want to ask if you can tell them

after you tell them?

- Are you mad? - Like a trust fund?

Sorry, don't be embarrassed.

I'm not embarrassed.

His grandmother didn't want him spoiled,

so he doesn't see any of his money until he's 40.

You haven't reached that milestone yet, Rich?

Ha-ha. - No, not quite, I'm 35.

Would you pass the, um...

Uh, yeah, we got the veggies

from a farmer's market on Essex.

They're delicious.

We're gonna try and keep our fridge stocked with them,

- start juicing for breakfast. - Cool.

You guys liking any other superfoods?

Rich made up a list that I e-mailed to these guys.

Yes, I even bought blueberries last week.

You also bought blueberry donuts.

They're not cheap.

Yeah, and you had three of them,

so don't act like you're better than me.

I did, no, I did.

Sadly, donuts are cheaper, too, huh?

- Yeah. - Not much cheaper

when you consider how much heart disease costs

once you're hospitalized.

It's the truth. I mean...

Great, thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

What, um...

When you turn 40, what happens?

Do you just retire?

No, Dad, he's studying to become a social worker.

Yeah, um, the main reason

why I'm not done with school yet is

- because I was in and out... - He took time off.

Well, yeah, because for a while I was...

Babe, you don't have to tell them.

It's fine, it's fine, um...

In my early 30s, I was depressed for a bit.

I'm fine now, um...

Just took a while for me

to get up and running again, but, um...

I've been better for years now,

it's why I'm comfortable talking about it.

Take medicine for that?

Dad, that's rude to ask him.

It's fine. I'm sorry, hey, I'm sorry.

It's just, in our family,

we don't... We don't have that kinda depression.

Yeah, no, we just have a lot of stoic sadness.

Well, hey, I'm sorry, if I, uh...

No...

Okay.

Just makes you wonder, you know,

if the kind of faith we grew up with...

It's not perfect, but you take for granted what a...

Uh, a kinda natural antidepressant it is.

No religion at the table.

My mouth is shut,

- you know where I stand. - You brought a statue

of the Virgin Mary into our house.

- How is your mouth shut? - All right, all right...

I didn't mean to get us into this.

All I'm saying is

I think it's funny that you guys'll try...

You put faith in, um, juice-cleansing...

I did one juice cleanse... One.

...or yoga, but you won't try church.

My mouth is shut.

You eat, uh, chard to feel your best

but you still, you said...

Half your friends are in therapy.

- That's because... - That's what you said.

- Yeah, because... - I'm asking.

I was trying to get you to pay for mine,

I can't afford it.

Well, why don't you save some money

you spend on organic juice

and pay for it yourself.

Don't criticize me for caring about my mental health.

- Well... - Okay.

How about Rich's mom is a therapist,

why don't you get it from her?

Yeah, Dad, I'll get therapy from my mother-in-law,

that's an awesome idea.

She's not your mother-in-law unless you get married.

Looking for work every day, it's depressing.

Well, you still got the will to eat superfoods.

If you're so miserable,

why're you trying to live forever?

Last week...

- I shouldn't even tell you. - Tell us what?

I don't think you guy's realize

- how much she's been... - Babe...

You don't have to explain.

How hard she's been working, actually.

Tell them, you'll feel better.

- Tell us what? - He won't care.

Play them the piece, you'll feel better.

- Play it for them. - You wrote new music?

- Play what? - I want to hear.

I... I spent over a year finishing it,

- and I sent it to... - It sounds good.

- Yeah, no... Thanks. But... - It's great.

I found out a grant I wanted

isn't gonna come through,

and it's my fifth rejection this year.

Well, you can always work retail.

- Don't tease her. - Dad...

Hey, Bridge.

Hey, are you so spoiled

that you can't see you're crying over something

hard work can fix?

You're lucky to have a passion to pursue.

Now if you don't care about it enough

to push through these setbacks,

you should quit and do something else.

Babe...

Babe, the staircase light is out!

- Shit! - Welcome to New York, guys.

It's just a light bulb.

- We'll live. - I don't wanna see you upset

- over something you can fix. - Let me... I really don't

- need a lecture now. - The Blakes bounce back.

- That's what we do. - Richard, why didn't we ask

the landlord to replace all the light bulbs

before we moved in?

Because that's a crazy thing

to ask for, babe, no one asks for that.

Nah, they're probably all on their last legs.

Yeah, no one asks for it, and even if they did...

- What are you... - It wouldn't matter because...

What are you laughing at?

She's burning out the bulbs to get our attention.

- What? - What... Who is?

She-With-No-Face...

She strikes again!

- Now you got her started. - What's so funny? What?

Dad sees faceless women in his sleep.

You're a crazy person.

Where are you going, crazy lady?

To the bathroom.

It's gonna be like spelunking just to go pee.

Here we go. Here we go.

- Buckle up. - Who is this headless person?

Oh, uh, faceless, she has skin

covering her eye sockets and her mouth.

And I hope she finds you in your sleep

and casts an evil spell on you.

Oh, yeah, smart-ass?

Yeah... Hey, stop it.

Oh, now you wanna be compassionate!

How lucky you are.

The evil sorceress

- has all my support. - Aimee?

No, thanks.

Last week, I dreamed I fell through an ice cream cone

made of grass and became a baby.

Richard, are you kidding me with the sharing?

What? I can share it if I want.

- Yes, you can, and I love you. - Hey... Come on.

But when you share dreams with my family,

I become a crazy person.

All right, lover-of-all, come with me.

Anyone need anything else right now?

All right, come on, Aimee.

Are you done, sir?

- Yes, ma'am. - And he's finished.

You guys need some help?

No, you guys relax.

You had a hard day. The women folk will do it.

You said that like you meant it.

I...

Thanks for offering, Dad, thank you.

- Aimee... - Please rest yourself.

We got it. Right, princess?

Okay, you literally cannot call me a princess.

Oh, no, I literally can.

The cone was made of, uh...

Grass from my backyard.

- From your backyard? - My backyard. Yes.

It got twisted into an ice cream cone.

Yeah...

In my head, it was so normal.

- Oh... - Yikes.

In mine...

There was this one other weird thing...

- In your dream? - Yeah. Uh...

I didn't bring it up because, you know,

the girls already think I'm losing it, you know.

But, uh, the woman without a...

She's trying to get me into this...

Like a tunnel.

Yeah, what do you do?

Uh... I don't move, I don't know.

Tunnels are, um...

In my class, we got this list of primitive settings.

Tunnels, caves, forests, the sea.

Stuff that's so a part of us that...

You know, 200,000 years ago,

someone might've closed their eyes

and seen a similar kind of...

It's a trash compactor.

Get in it next time,

the tunnel...

Get in it.

Oh, thanks, I'll try that.

I'm serious, get in it next time.

Whoa.

Tunnels can just be stuff hidden from yourself.

So passing through one could be a favorable omen.

Is it a fortune-telling school you're at?

No.

- "A favorable omen," you sure? - Yeah... No... Yeah.

You gonna bring out a crystal ball later.

No. No, I'm... I'm not.

What's so funny?

We're conferring over Mom's latest e-mail forward.

...or any of it makes sense.

Did you get it, Dad?

What are we talking about?

Rich, Mom's subject line was,

"Please read this" in all caps.

All caps. It got flagged by my IT department

as being "potentially harmful."

She forwarded an article

from the Scientific American

- about how nothing's solid. - Yeah.

Like, when you're touching a table,

you're actually feeling its molecules bouncing...

We're not even solid, we're, um...

Electrons.

- Electrons... - Yeah.

- ...bouncing back against... - Electrons, yeah.

And it also had vague religious overtones.

And at the bottom, there was a poem

in about 10 fonts about how we already

are a part of everything...

Guys, don't make fun of your mom.

We're making fun of the e-mail.

- I mean it. - Come on, it's a little crazy.

You know, to...

You gotta start writing her back, too.

- I mean it. - I know.

- I will. - Even to stuff like that.

That's the laundry room, that'll die down.

Think she heard that?

She didn't hear it.

I don't think so.

She didn't, right?

Rich, we're pig smashing, get in here!

- Okay, we all here? - Pig smashing.

- How does this work? - Okay.

You're just going to love this.

We each pass it around.

Say what we're thankful for...

And then smash it.

And then we each eat a piece of the peppermint

for good luck.

That is the weirdest tradition.

Oh, please, that's the weirdest?

Wait till you spend a Christmas with us.

Yeah, she's threatening to invite all the Bhutanese

in Scranton over for caroling.

That's not a threat, honey, that's happening.

Oh, God.

Okay, babe, you start.

Ah. Uh, now I'm nervous. Okay. Um...

Dad...

Okay. Um...

This year, I am most thankful

for falling in love with Brigid

and getting a new family in the process.

Sweet.

- Do I? - Yeah.

Okay.

- Ooh. - That...

- That was terrible. - I don't know,

- you made me go first! - Do it hard.

Rich, it was a fine smash.

- Okay, Dad, please go next. - Thank you.

Okay, all right, I already gave one speech

so, uh, just let me say, uh...

I am thankful

for your unconditional love and support.

Um, and hope there's nothing

any of us could ever do to change that,

because this is what matters.

This family.

- Oh! - Got it?

That's... I see. I see the technique.

- Showoff. - All right...

I'm with your dad and, um,

it may sound cliche,

but I'm thankful for the both of you.

Oh!

- Wow. - Nasty.

- Showed you, Dad. - Mom.

That was intense.

- That was awesome. - You go next.

Okay.

Okay. I'll... I'll state the obvious.

There will never be a year that I'm not thankful

that the observation deck didn't open until 9:30,

and I'm thankful MoMo's with us,

and, oh, um,

a wise, old, haggard, drunk man

- once told me that... - Stop now. Time out.

...pursuing my passion is a gift

and I'm grateful for that reminder.

Even if I end up pursuing it while managing an H&M.

- I'm lucky. - See what you've done.

I'm being serious.

And now that everyone's, um...

If anything were to ever happen to me,

like an accident or something, which it won't,

but I'd like to be cremated.

It's weird to talk about,

because you guys do open casket,

so I've been trying to find a way to bring it up

that isn't morbid or weird.

Well, you didn't find it, Bridge.

- Are you serious? - I am serious.

- You're crazy. - You're crazy.

No one in this family can handle honesty.

No, you're right, dinner is the perfect place

to discuss what we should do with your dead body.

- Thank you. - I hate you all.

Oh, my gosh.

- All right, that's it. - Hey!

Pass me the pig, okay.

Hey, that's more than one hit. I only got one.

- I got three. - That's not fair.

God, Bridge.

Um...

So, in a year where I lost my job,

my girlfriend, and I'm bleeding internally,

really a banner year...

I'm thankful for what's right.

Okay. I'm...

I love that in times like this, I have a...

A home base, a family I can always come home to.

Thanks for giving us that.

You always have to win.

Yeah, she really cremated you.

Right? Right?

She cremated you.

Just when you couldn't get less funny.

- She really cremated you. - No!

I respect that.

- Wow. - Yours was better.

Oh... Uh, how about for MoMo?

Uh, should we read MoMo's e-mail?

- It makes us cry, Dad. - Get out the Kleenex.

This might be our last Thanksgiving together.

Can we please give her a voice?

- Of course. - Has he heard this?

I heard about it, but not the actual...

Well, she wrote this

right before she got really sick, Rich.

Uh, it was an e-mail to these girls, and, uh...

- Was it four years ago? - Yeah.

Give it to me, you're gonna end up asking me to finish.

"Dear Aimee and Brigid,

"I was clumsy around you both today and felt confused.

"I couldn't remember your names

"and felt bad about that.

"It's strange slowly becoming someone I don't know.

"But while I am still here, I want to say,

"don't worry about me once I drift off for good.

"I'm not scared.

"If anything, I wish I could've known

"that most of the stuff I did spend my life

"worrying about wasn't so bad.

"Maybe it's because this disease

"has me forgetting the worst stuff,

"but right now, I'm feeling nothing about this life

"was worth getting so worked up about.

"Not even dancing at weddings.

"Dancing at weddings always scared the crap out of me,

"but now it doesn't seem like such a big deal.

"Dance more than I did.

"Drink less than I did.

"Go to church.

"Be good to everyone you love.

"I love you more than you'll ever know."

I am buying a pig for my family.

He wants you to like him.

- We love him. - We do, he's in.

Look out for each other, okay?

Hey, if you're having another one,

fine, but I'm calling

- a car for you guys. - Erik.

Thanks for drinking responsibly, Dad.

I'm forgetting that I'm not at home,

I'm sorry. Sorry.

I don't mind using my work account

- now that I'm on my way out. - No.

No way. No, it'd cost you a fortune.

I'll drive, I've been drinking water.

What'd we do about our car?

Mom, for, like, 10 minutes.

This is on me. I'm calling a car,

- end of discussion. - Bus it into the city

this weekend and help us paint, okay?

We'll put you to work.

- Just take a car. - Yeah, yeah.

I just, I'm not used to driving on Thanksgiving, Rich.

No worries. Don't worry.

Hi, I, uh... Yeah, I need a car.

I think there's street cleaning in the morning.

No case number...

I love you so much, thank you.

Yeah, exactly.

How do you know when the streets are cleaned?

It's good, it's coming to a close.

How is your holiday?

Three, but one of them is in a wheelchair.

Do you guys need a van for MoMo?

Here. Give me the phone.

Give me the phone.

I'm just saying, for her wheelchair.

No, go downstairs, honey.

You might need a bigger car.

We don't need a van if...

No, it folds.

A lot cheaper, or...

Well, the van is good, then, that's fine.

Then we'll call Paul.

Dessert is on the way.

Thank you, so is the car.

Oh, man, I can't believe there's more food.

Ma, don't worry about it, it saves me a cab ride.

I can hitch a ride with you guys to Penn Station.

- Yeah. - Okay. Uh...

He'll come at 6:00, but we can change the time if you want.

- Sounds good. - Okay, I can make a 7:05.

- It's perfect. - Thanks, Aimee,

I'm embarrassed we had to do this.

First time for everything, right?

This is all from a local bakery.

Really? Oh, my God.

Are you too drunk to thank your daughter?

The bakery is called...

Elephant's Dream.

Elephant's Dream Bakery.

Hey, are you too drunk to thank your daughter?

Incoming.

Wow.

Well, I officially fell off

the Weight Watchers wagon, so...

Whoa. These look beautiful.

I... I'll have, um...

I'll have...

Give her the one with all the frosting,

that's the one she wants.

I'll have the, um...

I'll...

I'm just gonna...

You okay, Momes?

I'm going to take her to the bathroom.

- I can help you, Mom. - Rich, would you help her

get her settled upstairs?

- Dad, I said I'd help. - Sure, yeah.

No, you stay here, will you? Just stay.

- Why? - Because I wanna, I wanna...

I wanna talk about how, uh...

About what?

We may be moving soon. So...

- Dad, what's wrong? - What's going on?

Nothing, everybody's okay.

- I mean, it's all right. - Are you sick?

No, no, no one's sick.

It's just, um,

we sold the lake property, okay?

- What... When? - To help with...

Okay...

Just... Go...

Dad?

Um...

St. Mark's let me go,

so we've had to tighten our belts...

Why would they let you go?

And we're figuring how... Well, that's not...

I'm not getting my pension now,

they could fire me before it kicked in, all right?

They can take away your pension?

Uh, well, they're a private school,

they can do whatever they want.

But why did they fire you?

They have a morality code,

and St. Mark's makes you sign it

- and if you... - Why would a morality code...

Were you, like, selling drugs on a playground?

There was an incident, all right?

- And they could... - What kind of incident?

They could fire me because of this incident.

What are you talking about?

I cheated on your mom with a teacher from school

and, um...

We're okay,

but I realize this is a lot to just...

Are you guys okay?

We worked through it, okay?

We met with Father Paul

and we're good.

Okay...

But people talk and we don't want you to hear it

from other people, okay?

We'd rather that you hear it from us.

Okay, so you want us...

You just want us to just, what? Just to know?

Yeah.

I'm already at a Walmart in Danville,

to keep money coming in.

Dad, for how long?

Why the one in Danville?

Uh, it's... I don't want the kids from school

- seeing me there. - God.

Something full-time should open up

this spring, so...

So, what...

The cost of taking care of MoMo's been a surprise.

- Are you guys... - You wouldn't even believe

how much one of...

Okay, so you're behind. How much are you behind?

So the plan is to sell the house

and rent an apartment because we don't need space.

Are there even apartments in Scranton?

- Who lives in an apartment? - Of course there are.

Hey, getting a place on one level is good

because, you know, your mom won't be climbing up stairs.

Doesn't sound good, Dad.

It sounds like you're in a deep hole.

I'm working it out, Aimee.

- Do you have anything saved? - No.

Dad, do you have anything in savings?

No, I have no savings, Aimee. No.

- Okay, okay. - We've been stretched.

Well, you're telling us this when you're drunk.

So sorry if I'm getting frustrated.

Can you take her?

- He lives in a trailer. - Yeah.

- But he has no money. - To the...

No, you've got no choice

but to collect unemployment.

- That's not fair. - Hey, hey. Easy, easy...

I can't get a break if I'm working full-time.

It's not unfair for you to get some marketable skills.

We're working it out, I love your mom.

Oh, yeah, you're working it out, but...

Okay? We're good.

Oh, you're good, but you're not sleeping

and Mom's still eating her feelings!

- Brigid, shut... - I'm...

Mom...

Mom, I didn't... I didn't mean it.

I know you think there's something wrong with me,

it's not a newsflash.

I think something's wrong with everyone.

Please don't act like a martyr when I'm trying to apologize.

- Brigid... - Bridge...

Brigid, would you please...

I'm gonna go ask that woman

to stop banging her fucking feet.

Bridge!

Bridge!

You bitch.

- I can't hear her now. - Bitch, you go home.

It's okay. It's okay.

Yeah, she... Go with your mother. Go with her.

She's okay, just give us a moment.

Go home! Go home.

Would you go with your mom? Go with your mom.

Go home! Go home, go home.

Would you go with your mom?

Go, go with your mom.

Oh, God, they're everywhere.

Okay, all right.

They're everywhere.

They're comin' after you, ya bitch.

What's wrong that you did this?

Go home to fucking your bitch.

Why don't you go home?

What's wrong that you did this?

Okay. Okay.

It's okay.

Okay, Ma, it's okay.

It's okay.

All right, it's good.

I know. I know.

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.

It's okay, it's okay...

I know.

Go home!

Brigid!

Bridge!

What's going on?

Babe...

What happened?

I don't know.

Wanna just breathe?

That e-mail about us being electrons

wasn't religious.

It was from a science website.

I drank too much.

I gotta use the, uh...

Mom...

It smells really bad in there.

I'm sorry.

Should have got Brigid that candle.

Let's go to the bathroom now.

How's your knee, okay?

Okay, in we go now.

Gonna go for a walk around the block.

You okay?

Yeah, I want some air, Dad.

I've been losing sleep trying to...

I was saying to Father Paul

- in how... - What are you...

...just thinking about losing you guys...

- What are you... - ...gets me thinking about how,

when you were gone,

- this fireman was holding... - Dad, Dad...

...a body with your suit on.

But there was a coat of ash melted on to her,

like she got turned into a statue,

like there was gray in her eyes and mouth even,

it was like her whole...

The car company will call you when they're ready.

Leave your phone on the window so it'll ring.

Aimee...

Brigid?

Brigid?

- Guys, the car is out front! - Oh, my God.

Aimee, could you help me get her coat on?

Yeah, you never check your texts.

- Yeah. - Dad?

Where's Brigid?

Out with Rich, he's embarrassed. She's...

It's fine.

Dad!

I heard ya!

Can you bring Mom's blanket and the pan we brought?

Uh-huh.

There you go.

So nice, isn't it?

I can take her.

- You got her? - Yeah.

Oh, I got to get my purse, okay?

I'll be right out.

All right, we'll meet you in the car.

Okay.

Oh, shit.

Damn it.

Hello?

Hail Mary, full of grace.

The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women,

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners.

Hail Mary, full of grace. The Lord is with thee.

Blessed art thou among women

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God...

Hail Mary, full of grace.

The Lord is with thee

and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God...

Dad?

The driver is gonna have to keep circling the block.

- Dad? - Yeah.

No, here I come.

I can ride with you guys to Penn Station,

take the subway back.

It's not far.

Thanks.

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