Original subtitles

Season 13 Episode 5 "Fishsticks"

Hey, Jimmy, what are you up to?

Hey, Eric. I was just trying to write some new jokes for my comedy routine.

You wanna do something? I wanted to hang out with Stan and Kyle,

but they're pissed off at me, so I hang out with you.

Sorry, but I really need to work. I haven't written a good joke in a week.

Maybe I can help you. We can totally write some stuff together.

Well, sure. I've never tried working with a partner, but let's give it a...

shotsgarrooski.

Let's see. I was working on this. Why does a squirrel swim on its back?

To keep his nuts dry.

That's not that funny. Let's try something else.

A fireman and a Pollack are eating marshmallows when...

Pollacks aren't that funny. Try something else.

So the Pope says: "What are you, a stinking evolutionist?"

Here's some fruit, boys. Better for you than potato chips.

Look out. There's a black widow!

Thanks, mom! You might have saved my life!

If I'm trying to be creative, I can't eat fruit.

Doesn't your mom have something more substantial?

You can check the freezer. There might be some frozen fishsticks or something.

If you like fishsticks.

- I like fishsticks. - Wait a minute.

Fishsticks. Fishsticks...

Oh, my God! It's so obvious! How did I never think of it before?

- What? You got something? - Just run with me on this.

Say, Eric, do you like fishsticks?

You like putting fishsticks in your mouth?

Well, what are you, a gay fish?

Fish dicks! Dude, that's funny as shit!

We're really onto something here. Let's try it out on the guys.

- There's Clyde. Do it to Clyde. - Let's do it to Clyde.

Check it out. Hey there, Clyde.

- Hey. - What's going on?

Eric and Jimmy came up with the funniest joke ever!

Say, Clyde, do you like fishsticks?

You like to put fishsticks in your mouth?

What are you, Clyde, a gay fish?

You said you like fish dicks in your mouth, that makes you a gay fish!

Token, got a question for you.

- Token, do you like fishsticks? - Fishsticks? Yeah, I guess so.

You like putting fishsticks in your mouth?

What are you, a gay fish?

Look, there's Kevin Stoley! Kevin, do you like fishsticks?

Hey, Mackey. Do you like fishsticks?

Fishsticks? Yeah, I like fishsticks, m'kay.

- Peterson. Buying fishsticks, I see. - Yeah, I like fishsticks.

What are you, a gay fish?

And now here he is, Jimmy Kimmel!

All right, how we all feeling tonight?

So let me ask the guys in the audience a question.

Do you like fishsticks?

What are you, gay fish?

And so, Paul, do you like fishsticks, Paul?

- Sure. - What are you, a gay fish?

More and more Americans are eating fishsticks. You read about this?

Loving fishsticks. Kind of makes me wonder, you know?

Is everybody a gay fish?

It is quite possibly the funniest joke ever conceived,

and its origin is unknown.

The fishsticks joke crosses all borders, all races, all ages and ethnic groups

and is slowly uniting our country.

In fact, the only person who appears to not get the joke

is rapper Kanye West, who becomes furious when the joke is used on him.

That is messed up!

I am not gay, and I sure as hell ain't no fish, all right?

You really don't get it?

I'm a genius, all right? I'm the most talented musician in the world.

If I was a homosexual or a fish, I would know.

You're a rapper.

An entrepreneur.

And you like fishsticks.

- You're a gay fish. - No, I'm not no gay fish.

Just gay?

I'm not gay and I'm not a fish. Man!

- You are male. - Damn right, I'm male.

- A male that likes fish dicks. - Yeah, I like fishsticks.

You like to put fish dicks in your mouth.

You're a gay fish.

All right, that does it. I'm gonna kick your motherfucking ass!

And then, it was on Leno and Jimmy Kimmel show!

That's our joke on national television!

We know, Cartman!

We are comedy writers and you guys aren't.

Jimmy, I've been thinking. We've got to patent the fishsticks joke.

- Patent? - Yeah, dude.

There's lots of people out there using our joke on their shows.

- We should be getting compensated. - Well, Eric,

that's really not how jokes work. I mean, you know.

We should be happy that the joke is so popular and made people laugh.

Fuck that!

Maybe you were writing for people's amusement, but I don't work for free.

I'm gonna talk to a lawyer so we get what's coming to us.

What part of the fishsticks joke did Cartman write?

Well, he didn't actually write any of it.

He just...

Let me guess.

You wrote the joke and Cartman just laid on the couch eating Twizzlers.

Actually, it was potato chips.

I knew it! Don't let that fat turd walk all over you. Stand up for yourself!

Well, I mean, he was in the room.

- Then just give him half. - What?

I like you, Jimmy. But you're not gonna win this.

Consider yourself lucky he's only asking for half.

If Cartman didn't do anything, he doesn't deserve any of the credit.

And if I had wheels, I'd be a wagon.

No, dude, screw that!

If he didn't write the joke then don't sign any patent papers with him!

Say: "Cartman, you didn't have anything to do with this joke and you know it!"

Just give him half.

There are a lot of people out there making up rumors about me

that are malicious and untrue.

But I am going to prove once and for all I am not a fish.

Because I am a genius, I have ascertained

that fish have gills.

Doctor, do I have gills?

He does not have gills.

You hear that? No gills.

So I can't be a fish.

And I'm a genius voice of a generation, so I'm not gay.

So that is that. All right, it's over.

Now, are there any questions?

- Do you like fishsticks? - Love 'em.

You're a gay fish.

No, I'm not!

All right. Recently...

Recently, we've all come to know the fishsticks joke

as probable the funniest, most awesome joke ever.

But who originally came up with it?

Here's your answer. Joining us tonight, the brains behind the fishsticks joke,

the one and only Carlos Mencia.

So, you've got a show on Comedy Central, a stand-up tour.

Where did you have time to come up with this classic joke?

Well, you know, I was just kicking it with my homies and my brain.

My brain is always so full of ideas, 'cause I'm so funny and stuff.

So I was all like: "Hey, pepito, you like fishsticks?"

And my homeboy says: "Carlos, you know, you're so funny."

And then it occurred to me: "Man, you must be a gay fish, homes!"

That's just how I came up with it!

Motherfucker!

Jimmy, did you see?

Carlos Mencia is taking credit for our joke!

- Really? - I told you this would happen.

I got a lawyer to draw up some patent papers.

Let's sign these so that people know that the joke belongs to you and me.

I don't know. I really don't think I want to sign that, very much.

But some fat turd is taking credit for something he didn't do!

Well, to be perfectly frank, Eric.

I think I came up with a little bit more of the joke than you did.

- What? - You know, I mean...

I basically wrote the thing, and you just kind of... ate chips.

Jimmy, that's messed up.

We decided that day to write together. Don't you remember?

- Jimmy, you wanna hang out? - Sorry, but I gotta write some jokes.

Unless you wanna team up.

Team up? OK. Let's write some jokes together.

Here's some fishsticks, guys. Hope you like fishsticks.

Do we like fishsticks? What does she think we are, gay fish?

Look out, Jimmy, it's a black widow!

Thanks, Eric.

Is that... how it happened?

Exactly who came up with which part of the joke isn't even relevant.

We had an agreement.

If you wanna go back on that now, then you're no better than a Jew.

I'm... I'm sorry?

It's cool, man. It's cool.

Here he is, y'all. Give it up for Kanye West!

What the hell?

Gay fish! Gay fish!

Fuck this noise!

It just doesn't make any sense!

Why is everyone calling me a gay fish?

Kanye, we all think it would be better if you would just drop it.

If you don't get it, you don't get it.

What you mean I don't get it, House? I'm a genius.

I'll understand it. I just need to break it down is all.

Now let's see. Something about fishsticks,

interacting with me,

makes me gay fish.

- Kanye, really... - Shut up!

What do we know about fishsticks?

They're breaded.

They're fried. They're frozen.

Then under me, we have rapper.

Genius.

And gay fish are homosexual.

They swim.

Is it because breaded has something to do with...

genius, which swims?

No, because you said you like fish dicks. Don't you get it?

You see, fish dicks is a play on words.

I don't need anybody telling me play on words.

I'm a motherfucking lyrical wordsmith, motherfucking genius!

Hey, Kyle, can I talk to you for a second?

Get outta here. I'm peeing!

It's just... I don't know what to do about Jimmy.

I think he might try and Jew me out of my half of the fishsticks joke.

I just need you to teach me some Jew defensive moves.

Because we really did both come up with it.

You know what? I believe you.

You do?

I believe that you believe you helped write that joke.

That's how people like you work. Your ego is so out of whack

that it will do whatever it can to protect itself.

And people with messed up ego can do these mental gymnastics

to convince themselves they're awesome

when really, they're just douche bags.

But I'm sure I helped come up with the joke. Didn't I?

- Jimmy, what's up, dawg? - Hey, Eric! Just working on some jokes.

You wanna write some together?

That'd be great! I've always wanted to work with you.

You're really funny and you're totally not fat.

Cool, thanks. Let's get to work. Now, let's see.

Something that's a play on words. I don't know.

- Fishsticks. You know, 'cause of dicks. - You're really onto something there!

Hello, Eric, have some chips, because you're totally not fat at all.

Thank you, Mrs. Valmer. Let's see. The set-up could be...

- "Do you like fishsticks?" - Right. And then I say: "Yeah."

So then I can say: "What are you, a gay fish?"

This is incredible!

- What is that? - It's a dragon of some kind.

Don't worry, I can save you all!

Hey, look, Eric killed a dragon!

He's the most awesome kid in school!

- And he's not fat at all! - Thanks, you guys!

Nope. I definitely helped write the joke.

All I can hope is Jimmy doesn't try and Jew me over.

Is it perhaps that I'm fashionable,

and fishsticks are crunchy?

- We found him, money! - Found who?

You told us to track down whoever started the whole fishstick thang.

We found out who, dawg.

C'mon, man! What is this, man?

What the fuck is going on, man?

Fuck, man. Kanye West!

Oh shit, man. OK, look it wasn't me.

I didn't really start the fishstick thing, all right?

You just saying that now 'cause you're scared!

No, man, it's true! I stole it, man!

I took credit for it, 'cause I'm not actually funny.

C'mon, man. Do you know what it's like?

Being a comedian, but not being funny?

Come on, Kanye, I just take jokes

and repackage them with a Mexican accent, man!

You think you can make fun of me? I'm a genius!

I'm the voice of a generation! What are you?

Nothing! Look at me, man.

I'm not funny, I steal jokes,

my dick don't work, man.

I got to piss in a plastic bag, man. I got no dick!

I ain't not gonna hurt you. I pay people to do that for me.

Oh shit, oh, no, man. Come on, I got no dick, man.

Now, explain it to me.

Why do people think I'm a gay fish?

'cause... you like fishsticks, man.

C'mon, man. Don't you get it? Please!

Just get it, man!

Why? Look at me. Look at me!

I love fishsticks.

I love putting fishsticks in my mouth.

You're... You're a gay fish, man!

Thank you very much!

About a week ago, our country was blessed with the fishsticks joke.

And ever since then us comedians

have been kicking ourselves for not thinking of it.

But today, we have with us the true creators of the fishsticks joke.

Please welcome the comedy team of Cartman and Valmer!

Hey, guys!

Hi, Ellen. You guys like fishsticks?

Thank you. No, really. Thank you.

So, guys, I gotta ask.

- How did you come up with this joke? - It was just...

Comedy is like a game of racquetball, you know?

You serve, the other person hits it back.

It bounces off the wall, you back-hand it.

It goes back and forth, back and forth. Then hopefully,

you've got a good joke. Thank you.

But, guys, this joke is so perfect.

How could nobody think of it before?

Well, Ellen, the tru...

Truth of the matter is that there's never really been a team like us before.

Let's be honest. Many people wouldn't work with someone who's disabled.

But I see past that. I look beyond Jimmy's disabilities and find a bond.

Which can unite us in comedy.

Working with crippled people is really important.

That's so great.

- And are you crying, Jimmy? - Yes, ma'am.

Don't cry, pal. You're gonna get me started.

Anyway, what was important for us, as a team,

was to make sure everyone knew that we came up with the joke,

and not Carlos butthole Mencia.

I see. And did you know

that Carlos Mencia was found dead in his house this morning

with fishsticks stuffed down his open neck hole?

Excuse me?

Get my jet ready.

Looks like we got another inning to play.

Check it out. We have offers from Van de Kamp's

and Gorton's Fishermen to do commercials.

It's always been my dream to go on a national TV show

and talk about the craft of comedy.

Yeah, that was cool, huh?

Eric, there's something I really need to know.

- What's that? - How do you live with yourself?

You know you had nothing to do with the fishsticks joke,

but you just keep pretending.

How do you look at yourself in the... fucking mirror?

That's what I want to know!

So. Here it is.

How do you take credit for something you didn't do?

That is bullcrap, and you know it!

I had just as much to do with the fishsticks joke as you did!

- Dude, it's Puff Daddy! - Tie up these motherfuckers!

I'm gonna ask you motherfuckers one more time.

Why did you start these rumors about me?

Please! I wasn't starting rumors about you.

I don't even know you!

Right. Everyone knows who I am! I wanna know how this got started!

We were just talking about ideas for jokes and...

So now it's we? A minute ago, you said you did it all yourself!

Well, I just... I...

We both came up with it together. You wanna know how it happened?

- Hello, Jim. - Oh, boy, it's my best pal, Eric!

- What you up to? - I'm trying to write jokes,

but I'm not as funny as you, so it's tough.

Maybe I can help you. We can team up!

Really? You'd help me, even though I'm crippled?

You are caring and not fat.

Let's see. How about a joke that has something to do with fishsticks.

You know, 'cause fishsticks sounds like fish dicks.

Eric Cartman, you are handsome and not even remotely fat.

Thanks. So what I'm thinking is...

Do you like fishsticks in your mouth?

What was that?

Eric, you have to save us!

An entire army of Jew robots!

Oh, my God! What are Jew bots doing here?

Flame on!

Flame off!

You saved everyone from the Jew bots!

C'mon, Jimmy, we gotta finish that joke!

... like fishsticks in your mouth? What are you, a gay fish? There!

Eric! Incredible!

Too bad I'm a dick and I'm gonna take all the credit. Suck it, bitch.

Dammit. I guess it really was all me who came up with it.

- What? - Let Jimmy go. It's all my fault.

Jesus. He's gonna kill you!

You won't even admit it was just me knowing you're gonna die?

You really believe that you came up with it all on your own?

Oh, my God. Wait. I totally get it now.

What? I still don't get anything!

All this time I've been mad at you,

for trying to take all the credit, but...

I realize that your ego has made you believe things happened differently.

That's what Kyle was trying to tell me, that you have such a huge ego

you do these mental gymnastics to make yourself a part of things.

Really?

I thought you were trying to Jew me out of my part of the credit,

but now I realize that some people just have egos that are so out of whack

that no matter what people tell them

they can't accept the truth of who they are.

Jimmy, I owe you an apology.

I realize now you can't help believing you created the entire joke,

because your ego won't let you think otherwise.

I just have to accept that.

Thanks, Eric. For being so understanding.

He's right.

For so long I've considered myself God's gift to the world, that I...

couldn't take it when people made fun of me.

But they weren't making fun of me.

They were trying to help me.

I understand what you did.

Untie them, guys. I know what I have to do.

You sure about this?

It's time for me to stop running. I need to believe what people tell me.

Let all my fans know I love 'em,

but a gay fish just can't live in the outside world forever.

Don't be sad for me, guys. I'm going home!

I've been so lonely, girl, I've been so sad and down

Couldn't understand why haters joked around

I wanted to be free with other creatures like me

And now I got my wish

'cause I know that I'm a gay fish

Motherfuckin' gay fish

Girl, I am a gay fish

Makin' love to other gay fish

All those lonely nights at the grocery store

In the frozen fish aisle feeling like a whore

'cause I wasn't being true even though everyone said

That I had to make a switch

Now I know that I'm a gay fish

Motherfuckin' gay fish

Girl, I am a gay fish

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