Original subtitles

Hello.

Bill!

You awake?

Hello?

Bill?

Oh, come on, not again.

Bill, I have a great idea.

Like coming to Turkey to relax?

Dude, come on, get over it.

All right, so you got dumped by your fiance.

Big deal.

She didn't dump me.

OK, I'm sorry.

I forgot.

While. you two were taking some time apart,

she was off banging other dudes.

Did you call to ruin my day or--

Actually, I called to tell you that today

we're gonna have some fun.

All right?

So put on a happy face.

But after my morning sex.

We are going to hit the beach.

We'll see.

Hello, my American friend.

How you do, you do, you do?

How do you do, my Turkish friend?

Very nice.

You like some breakfast?

Kamal, Breakfast of champions right here.

I see, I see.

Listen, listen.

You want hashish, coke?

Opio.

No, thank you.

I don't need any vitamins today.

Ah, I see in your eyes.

You learn girl.

Sexy girl I bring for you.

No, no girls.

I just had my heart broken.

I hate girls.

You hate girls?

Understanding, understanding.

Understand.

You want boys? - What?

Boys, boys.

Very strong boys.

cheap. - Cheap?

Sheep? You want sheep?

No problem.

I bring you sheep.

Baaah!

Kamal, I don't want anything!

OK?

I wanna be left alone to suffer.

You understand I'm saying?

Suffer! - OK, OK, OK.

Why are you yelling?

I no understand you American people.

You come to Turkey, you nowant hashish, you no want girl,

you no want boy.

You no want sheep.

Who doesn't want sheep?

Why you people come to Turkey?

Why you come to Turkey?

There he is.

Ready have some fun?

No.

Yes, you are!

Come on.

Hey, babe.

I got tea.

Tea time!

Thank you.

Here.

Hey, we're on the beach.

Bill.

Hey, Bill.

Want some tea?

Hey, amigo.

Andale!

George, why are you calling him "amigo"?

He's not Mexican.

Mexican, Turkish.

What's the difference?

They all look stupid with those mustaches.

Oh, my god.

We are so those Americans.

Yes, we are.

Hey, Super Mario.

Salam.

No salami.

Dos watermelonos ice creamos.

Oh, ice cream, ice cream.

Mwah, ice cream. - No, no, no, no.

Dos, dos.

Two, two.

Oh.

Ah.

Here, take your monopoly money.

- Thank ya, thank ya. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey.

Hey, Bill, want an ice cream?

Whoa.

Bill, you ever tried parasailing?

No.

Come on.

You don't know what you're missing, man.

I'm scared of heights.

Scared of heights?

It's like 10 feet.

Who's scared of 10 feet? - I am.

Come on, man. You're doing it!

Come on. - No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are!

- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are no!

No, I'm not.

And that's the end of this conversation.

I'm staying way here on the ground.

Ow.

Hey, amigo, make sureyou tie him up real tight.

Held tightly-o.

Is this safe?

Ahmed, tell him it's safe.

- It's safe. - Safe.

Last time my friend flew with this.

He was this fat.

He's dead now.

Parasailing?

No, goddamned cholesterol!

Isn't there some kind of class that I should

take to learn how to do this?

OK, what about a pamphlet?

You know, with the safety regulations?

Oh, safety regulations.

Here.

Here they are.

Great.

Very helpful.

What the hell did he just say?

Something like that.

Come on, let's go!

This is a lot more than 10 feet.

Bring me down!

O God, one time,during my dad's campaign,

I cheated one time.

I voted twice.

I swear to god, I didn't meanto, but I wanted him to win.

It's great being a senator's son.

I swear to you, I'll neverdo it again, God, I swear!

I ripped an extra chad.

I'm sorry!

Holy shit!

What the fuck am I into?

Jesus Christ!

That, hey, the rope, therope, it's about to break!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Pull me down!

What's going on, George?

That looks really dangerous.

Huh?

Nah, it's just Bill.

I think he's going for some kindof world record or something.

Hey, quit showing off!

Freestyling.

No, I don't wanna show off!

Jesus Christ.

He's way up there. Look at him.

He's like an ant.

Crush, crush, crush.

At least he's having fun, right?

Whoa, god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god!

Oh, shit.

No, no, no.

No!

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

That's gotta be a record!

We gotta shoot this bad boy.

Are you kidding me?

What?

Hey, this thing could go viral, man.

I'm talk a million hits.

I'm sorry about your roof.

Uh, are you guys Turks?

You don't need guns.

Put your guns down!

What?

Jesus Christ, please don't shoot.

Don't shoot!

Wrapping me up with a chain?

What?

Who?

Boo!

Sorry, I don't speak Turkish.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

What do you want from me?

Can you just let me go?

My father is a senator inthe United States of America.

Yeah.

I'm not bin Laden.

Bin Laden's dead.

We got him.

What?

Shadvat what?

Sorry?

Look, I don't speak your language.

I'm American.

Do you speak English?

English?

Bro, I don't speak Turkish!

I speak English.

I need to make a phone call to America.

Does anybody here speak English?

Yes, American.

Yeah, I'm an American.

United States.

Goddamn it.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Hey, where are you going, bro?

Come on, don't leave me, man.

I don't wanna get hit with another boot.

Holy shit.

Bongiorno, signor.

Signor, bongiorno.

Alfredo, ravioli, spaghetti.

I'd just like to use the telephone.

Can you ask those guys ifI can use their telephone?

Ring, ring. Telephone.

Ring.

Ring, ring.

Bongiorno, signor.

- Bongiorno. - Signor, bongiorno.

Bongiorno.

- Signor, bongior-- - OK, all right.

You don't have to keep saying it.

I'm-- OK, OK.

Do you speak English?

Who are you?

Do you speak English?

Oh, my god.

Finally, finally someone speaks English!

I don't know, but for some reason,

these maniacs captured me.

My name is William McKnight.

I'm an American tourist.

Why did you parachute down to our village?

I didn't.

I was parasailing.

The cable accidentally broke.

What part of Turkey am I in now?

You're not in Turkey.

You are in Armenia.

Armenia?

Where the hell is Armenia?

You mean like Glendale?

Why did they tie me up?

They think you are a Turkish spy.

Me, a spy?

Those are the guys who look like the Turks!

Especially him.

I don't like that old man.

You tell him he's an asshole.

And when I get back toAmerica, I'm gonna sue him.

Will you please save me?

I'm sorry.

I don't-- I don't wanna be with al-Qaeda.

Tell him I'm not a spy!

I told him, but he doesn't believe me.

Well, we've been retained by Bill

McKnight's family to see if we can't

expedite the search for him.

So we're here at the embassy, see

if we can get somecooperation from the Turks

and the Turkish government in the search for Bill.

I am her Hakhan Takhim, reporting from Yalla TV.

Oh, yes.

Yes, yes.

Yes, slippers Oh, yes.

Shit.

Hello.

Where is the key?

Yes!

All right.

Come on.

No!

Dumb.

Why am I such an idiot.

It's you, I live with you.

So stupid!

He said, come to Turkey.

Ugh!

Ow!

Psst.

Psst.

Hey, hey, psst you!

Hey.

Are you alone?

Yeah, what are you doing here?

Shh!

Keep it down.

Is anybody here with you?

No, but the entirevillage is looking for you.

Oh, my god.

You gotta help me get outta here.

I swear I'm not a terrorist, or a spy,

or whatever the hell they think I am.

I know, I know.

They showed you on Turkish TV.

They did?

Yes, and everyone knows who you are.

So you saying they'rejust gonna let me go?

Yes.

Are you sure about this?

Yes.

Yes, I am sure, Bill.

You know, I never even got your name.

It's Ani.

Nice to meet you, Itsani.

No.

No.

No, it's not Itsani.

Just Ani.

Oh.

It's a beautiful name.

Thank you.

What does your name mean?

We used to have a city named "Ani."

And it was also known asthe city of 1,001 churches.

Whoa.

That's intense.

What does your name mean, Bill?

My dad says it was the first thing

he thought of after he got thehospital bill when I was born.

Oh.

Makes sense.

Would you like try an Armenian apricot?

Well, don't you thinkyou should wash it first?

Don't be a baby.

Just eat it.

If we wanted to kill you, we would have

killed you a long time ago.

Is it organic?

What is "organic"?

You know, grown without,like, any pesticides or fillers.

You know, basically somethingyou could buy at Whole Foods.

Well, yeah, no.

I mean, it is--

it grows on the tree.

Oh.

I mean, I guess that will suffice.

Wow.

Wow.

That is, like, the sweetestthing I've ever eaten.

That is how Armenian apricots are.

Sweet.

Yes, sweet.

Your mother doesn't want me here.

I can leave.

Where can you go?

I don't know.

I'll find somewhere to crash.

A henhouse.

Oh, boy.

Why are you laughing?

What's so funny?

My life, the situation, what happened to me.

I mean, no one would believe this.

The whole thing is like a movie.

It's crazy.

It's--

What kind of movie?

Uh, it's a tragedy.

But you're laughing.

Yeah, well, it's a tragic comedy.

So what is the title of your movie?

Bill's Awfully Amazing Adventure.

Oh, yeah.

It's a very typical American title.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, you don't like it?

No.

You got something better?

Yes.

OK, what is it?

How about, um, "BigStar in a Small Village"?

Oh.

OK, that's, um, a little too Armenian.

Oh, OK.

How about "Lost."

That's so dumb.

Why?

Because it is an American TV show.

- Yeah, you're right. - Yes.

It was good, though.

Yes.

You know, the 5th season is very confusing.

Yeah, people say that.

How about "Lost and Found."

Why would it be called "Lost and Found"?

Because this is astory about a guy who's lost,

and during an adventure, hefinds what he's looking for.

And you have foundwhat you are looking for?

Not yet.

So then why would it be titled "Lost and Found"?

Because the story isn't finished.

What the hell is his problem?

What does he want from me?

What is wrong with that guy?

God, he's nothing. He's--

- He's a psycho. - No, no, no.

No, he's insane!

No, no.

He's such a sweet old man.

He's harmless.

Harmless my ass!

Guy's a sadist.

Jesus.

Listen.

I just-- can I just stay here tonight?

I mean, right here.

I promise I won't bother you.

I'll be gone before your mother gets up.

OK.

OK?

OK.

But we have to wake up early,because I would like to visit

my father's grave site, OK?

OK.

OK.

You mind if I tag along?

Tag along?

I mean, you mind if I come with you?

Oh.

No.

OK.

OK.

Ani?

Thanks.

You're welcome.

It was 1991.

I was eight when my father diedduring the war with the Azeris.

Him and my cousin Ashad.

Ashad was 15.

28 people.

28 people died protecting our village.

Grandpa Matsak lost both his sons in one day.

- And two days later, - Alexan's brother was killed.

Now I know why thepeople here are so enraged.

We are not enraged.

All our lives, we havefought with Muslim countries

for our land.

And we have paid for it with our blood,

and no one can take it away from us.

The Azeris are just on theother side of the mountain.

Do you see the wire that extendsfrom mountain to mountain?

We put them there to stop enemyplanes from flying too low.

- And when the war started, - I was a little girl.

At night, it was my responsibility to take--

Hey.

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, come back!

Stop!

Hey!

Ugh!

Oh-- oh, my god!

Psst.

Stop!

Get off of her or I will shoot.

Stay down, or I will shoot!

Stay back!

Shut up!

Stop!

Wait, what?

What's he saying?

Uh, he is saying that you are very brave,

and that we all respect you for what you did.

Really?

Yes.

Tell him I said, thank you.

You're a good man, Mr. Matsak.

Thank you.

War.

War.

War.

OK, all right.

All right, all right.

Hi.

Hi.

This is a gift from our village.

Thank you.

Hi.

This is my seat.

Oh, thank you.

Jesus.

Right.

I hate awkward silences.

Me too.

I wish I could just take youback to California with me.

Show you we have a lot ofgreat historical sites too.

Disneyland, Starbucks, El Pollo Loco.

That's nice, but I can't.

Why not?

Because my everything is here.

My mother, my village, my friends, my school.

Everything is here.

Ladies and gentlemen,

now please fix the back of yourseats to the upright position

and fasten your seat belts.

OK, well, I guess this is it.

I guess.

Goodbye.

Bye.