Original subtitles

...

Female voices sing Douce nuit in Swedish.

...

-(Shhh...)

"Susie-Q" (José Feliciano)

...

Laughter and festive hubbub in the distance

...

-Octave, what are you doing here?

(In English) Merry Christmas!

Shouts of joy Applause

...

-Do we have the right to marry children in France?

Laughter

-Oh...

-It was that evening that my problems began.

-I have the power to make you beautiful.

Electronic music

I can make you look prettier than your old fat neighbour.

...

English pronunciation L'Ideal Paris.

...

I can make your dreams come true.

You can't escape me.

...

I can afford all the supermodels.

...

I can make you so gorgeous.

...

Let me help you to become someone better than yourself.

Let me change your boring, ugly life.

...

I am your favorite utopia.

...

L'Ideal Paris.

...

"Because you are only you".

-L'Ideal Paris.

Because frankly, you look like shit.

-My name is Octave Parango. I dress at LVMH.

(In Russian) Hi there.

-Good afternoon.

-Octave Parango, Girls agency.

Moscow, Paris, Singapore, London...

I represent France so my clothes must be

of a brand at least 51% of which owned by my friend Bernard Arnault.

-No, thank you.

-Please follow me.

-Where are the girls?

-Please follow me.

-Here?

Girls?

-Girls.

-Hello, a little vodka. He refuses.

-Wood.

-I distilled it myself.

-I quit advertising because I found a job that was more fun:

scout.

There are people looking for oil, sometimes for work.

I.., I have to discover new faces.

The new faces, as they say in modeling agencies.

-She's my great-niece.

-All girls have names

that end with "sklerikanova" or "slovintskalaïa".

because guys like me

will unearth them in the depths of Siberia

and bring them out of their turpitude

to lead them into further turpitudes.

"Okay, okay, that's fine."

He stammers on in Russian.

(In English) Thank you for your interest.

(In Russian and English) Hi, everyone!

Beauty is a kind of air-conditioned version

of the ancient slave market.

Self-service instead of meal trays,

there are little girls.

-Girls...

-Girls!

-Come on! -Yes, come on!

Good. The checklist.

I have to tell you that in my line of work, there are standards.

A bit like in carpentry or cabinetmaking.

Does a table have to respect rules? So does a model.

A little common sense!

For example, the distance

base of nose-chin should be equal to the top of the brow.

Like Botticelli's Venus. That's no good.

Let's take a look at the golden ratio: 1,6180339887.

This is the length of the slope

of the Khufu pyramid divided by its half-base.

It must match

as shown by the Study of proportions

by Da Vinci in 1490,

to the soil-to-belly ratio divided by navel-skull,

a ratio of 5/3.

If you don't have that number,

is that you're unbeatable.

Let's check. Silky hair,

shiny, healthy skin, no stretch marks

and cellulite.

(In English) Tooth ?

She doesn't get it, she's as dumb like a broom, that one.

If beauty is rated from 1 to 10,

I can only stand 20.

The others are useless.

Thank you,

but you're too average

for the Girls agency. Sorry.

Wait!

As a great man once said, John Casablancas:

"Beauty is never where where you expect it."

A real flesh hunter must always be on the alert.

This young person has a mixture of Tatar blood,

Cossack, Slav and Kyrgyz.

Prominent cheekbones, almond-shaped, asiat' eyes,

southern mouth stung by a Chechen bee.

A diamond in the rough and she doesn't even know it.

Hey...

A summit of beauty!

What's your name, gorgeous? -Anastasia.

-Anastasia? It's so beautiful.

Can you stand up for me?

Stand up.

Turn around.

Good. Stop.

You're 1.76 m tall and weigh 55 kilos.

Measurements...

91, 63, 92 ?

-Yes.

-It's a little big, but it's back in fashion.

You can find it in food. Do you like food?

Do you eat? Yes ? That's good.

Knock it out a bit.

You know? Vitality?

Something like that.

He babbles on in German.

That's it. Hop. Ah!

That's it, that's it. Just like that.

Let's take this off.

Who could I sell you to?

I procrastinate, I doubt. Perfume?

Cosmetics, creams... ah! Beautiful skin. Gorgeous.

Pinch.

Traffic, oh... traffic's great.

Tampons? Do you like stamps?

Do you like tampons?

It'll be better than lady pee here.

Listen...

let me explain.

Now you, very poor.

Very poor... forever.

Poor forever.

But with me,

you, rich!

You go tomorrow and I give money for alcoholic family.

Me benefactor!

Forget the past.

A new life for you!

In luxury studios. Paris, NY, Courbevoie.

You pose for famous international artists!

You, star on every street.

You admired, you loved by all.

You eat out

with elegant, refined people.

But you'll never be fat again.

You...

never old again!

Never tired again.

Sleeping?

What's the point?

You respected.

You never pay in clubs.

Never, baby.

You can even convert in cinema,

if you like.

The sky is the limit.

If it works. If it doesn't, you pay the money back.

And now you're going to be somewhere, our slave. As I say...

It's PMPDP. Do you know this word?

"Not My Fucking Problem".

Want to see my jet? -SURE.

-Off to Moscow!

You might ask: aren't you doing your dream job?

Scouting is a tough job. Scouts have problems too.

For example...

Will there be enough kerosene to avoid a stopover?

"Jungle (Emma Louise)

...

She speaks curtly in Chinese.

...

The bitch who shouts Chinese on the phone

is Valentine Winfeld.

She walks fast because she thinks she's important.

-Density... oil... bitterness.

-An example of pointless wanking.

-Thorn.

-This film tells the story how this lady saved my life.

Now I'm getting ahead of myself.

Right now, she's just pissing off her employees.

Her job? Visual coach. Salary? 80,000 euros per month.

Not bad for an ex-press agent.

She is 37 years old, no husband, no children,

no friend, no lover. Why bother?

Funny, you don't know her,

but she knows your Google history and despises you.

-Valentine!

You've got to be kidding me! Congratulations!

It's so cute! Are you pregnant?

-Didn't you get the flyer? She's not pregnant.

-What? -We never talk about it, OK?

-Pretend she's fat.

-Hum hum...

-Don't let her smile.

-Okay, stop smiling, honey.

-No, it would have to fall.

-Okay, try to fall.

OK. Um hum...

-As if she were going to die.

-Act like you're dying.

OK?

Hum hum...

-All the while standing.

-Don't die too much. Just a little.

-Yes, that's it.

Now something's happening.

You really have to do everything yourself.

-We've got the new packaging

for the new Sublimystique range.

It's for people of a certain age, seniors.

It's a serum, an anti-aging cream.

These are people who are going to live longer.

Introducing our new range

spring color: Sublimystique.

It comes out of the factory.

"Apricot.

"Blue Sky.

"Le Lilas. The freshness...

-Who approved these filthy colors?

Your parents should have had amniocentesis.

What are we looking for?

What are we looking for?

We're looking for something simple.

Something very simple

and complex at the same time.

In fact... what we're looking for...

is...

Cell phone vibrator

The sim-ple-xi-té.

-(Oh yes...)

-Write it down, it's great. -Valentine? This is...

-This better be important, I'm in crea right now.

What?

Oh fuck, the whore.

We don't have any proof, so...

Excuse me? YouTube?

Yeah, well, YouTube, it's not the end of the world.

Yes, of course.

Yes, I hear you.

I beg your pardon?

Of course we'll do what's necessary.

To contact us...

*-Ocular recognition.

*-Octave Parango?

*Who's this jerk?

*-DNA recognition.

-In Russia, there are 1,000 people having fun

and 130 million live in poverty.

Curiously, I don't associate hardly anyone in the 2nd category.

This is Sasha Gorlov, my oligarch friend.

He founded Girls, Russia's largest Model Agency.

-What's your name again?

Ivana! She's the woman of my life.

Incredible how in love we are.

-Model agencies were created

by ugly guys to screw pretty girls.

You two look so good together. Did I introduce you to Anastasia?

This is my new discovery. Anastasia, Sasha.

The big boss. Now,

you belong to him.

Like me.

-Octave, we need to talk, you and I.

It doesn't work well anymore.

You cost a ton, you make nothing,

you're going to have to get back to work.

-I'm working!

-Otherwise, I'll stop paying your apartment, the caviar,

the Cristal... -Oh no, not the Cristal.

-The plane... -No...

-I'm cutting you off. And then your balls.

-No, but Sacha... it's been a difficult year.

-A year? -Yes.

-Two girls in 3 years. Repeat after me.

-What?

-I'm a little shit. -Sacha... Sacha...

-Repeat after me. -I'm small...

I'm a little... sea... sea... sea...

Sea? Sea?

-A little shit.

-I asked around.

Octave Parango worked for L'Ideal many years ago.

He has since moved to Moscow.

He's more of a sex tourist

with pedophile tendencies than an elite scouting talent.

What do you mean, that's what we need?

Really? Thinking outside the box?

All we have to do is take a tour of Moscow's brothels!

*-Don't make me laugh, it shoots.

*Normal agencies will find normal girls.

*Trust me. I've worked with him before.

*I'm sure he can get us out out of this mess.

*We've got nothing left to lose.

-Well, yes...

Our reputation,

our image of French luxury, our high-end positioning,

*-It's all going up in smoke.

Valentine. In the Middle Ages, redheads were burned.

Don't make me regret this period.

-If you think we have no choice,

I want to tell you...

*Tone

Hello?

-Me, to relax, I wash with Svetlana and Ulyana.

18 years old, Belarusian, available in all Minsk nightclubs.

We never talk. Slavic modesty, you might say.

Unless it's language barrier.

Svetlana and Oulyana provide me with

soothing throughout the day.

It's important when you have a stressful life life, like mine.

-I haven't slept in two days, I'm tired.

-Yeah...

Melancholy aria from the opera Rusalka

...

-Octave, are you tired?

-This is the first time.

-Oh...

Broken willy?

-Maybe it's because I'm not in love.

It's your fault.

Journalists shout his name. -No, they don't!

We have no comment to make!

It's probably a fake,

intended to damage the image of L'Ideal. Leave us

working.

-Please, just two words.

-Go ahead.

-I think you should advance your horse to A4.

A phone vibrates.

...

-Yes?

One second.

Please calm down.

Octave?

You have an important call.

He looks very upset.

-Hello?

Hey, Sacha...

What is it? A meeting in Paris tomorrow?

He laughs. Of course, that's it.

I thought you were kidding.

Yes, no... I know... I know I owe you...

Yes, I owe it all to you.

Yes, I want to keep working...

To serve you.

Naturally. Yes.

So tomorrow? Airport?

6 a.m.?

No, I like this schedule. I like it.

Welcome to L'Ideal Paris of L'Ideal Paris,

one of the world's leading in the cosmetics industry.

Annual sales :

30 billion euros. He yawns.

About the GDP of Bolivia.

A country that... I support, financially.

-Take an herb juice: cucumbers, spinach, ginger.

-Do you have any vodka?

-Have you been briefed?

This is Fukushima. The reactor is in meltdown.

John, we're taking a beating.

You're dead!

Your agency is dead!

This is Zombieland, so go fuck yourself!

-When the bosses arrive, everyone stands at attention.

Waxed shoes, curvy looks, manicured nails,

well-groomed hair. Hair is very important here.

It's their livelihood.

At L'Ideal, the manager must be glamorous.

Another obligation: we only talk to each other by e-mail.

To leave a trace in case of disagreement.

If you don't have breakfast you don't have a relationship.

As a result, you're dead weight.

It's fascinating to see these people who never communicate

orally, verbally... orally.

And this is the War Room.

*-Heil Hitler!

-That's why

we're in the War Room.

*She speaks German.

*...

*Whip stroke *Sexual moan

-Some have already seen it on YouTube.

She is unreachable

since his contract was suspended.

-Her name is Monica Pynchon. A $15,000,000-a-year muse,

all the same. And Monica is just the N°1 muse

of the brand for 3 years, in fact.

*She screams in German.

*...

-Can't we spare the sound?

Can we turn the volume down?

Thank you. Thank you for your time.

-Ah. So,

in Idealistic language, it's called "a product offense".

In other words...

He sighs.

Next to the Mohammed cartoons, are a Carambar joke.

*-You will be...

*Poland.

*-Nein! Nein! Nicht Polen!

-No, go on. Here, this passage...

*The man screams.

*...

-At the very least, she has historical references.

-You've just come

to make valves?

-Mr Delasalle has the floor.

Chief Operating Officer. -Yes... no...

We can't reach him.

I'm replacing him.

Bernard Moulard. Hello. -We didn't know Delasalle.

We don't know you, so your name doesn't matter.

We'll be there. -That's nice,

Bernard Moulard.

-Thank you.

All right, then. So...

As far as the "fab" part is concerned,

we have stopped production

new colorators, launched a week ago,

on all fab' chains German, Chinese, Canadian

and Brazil. Of course, we don't deliver anymore.

Store withdrawals have been requested.

We're still talking about 4-5 million units blocked.

To transport and destock. -Holy crap.

-Uh... so, removal of the POS,

in-store displays in Europe, America, Asia, Middle East.

The TV spots with the new campaign are all currently being edited...

without the lady.

With new films in all languages.

-Can anyone tell me how this affects me?

-Doesn't that seem obvious?

What do you mean, you don't understand?

-Ah. Finally.

Her name is Carine Wang. International CIO of L'Ideal Monde.

The big boss.

-Then listen to me.

No, no, no, no, no. You listen to me.

If you bring up the subject at 8pm,

you can forget about on space purchases.

Take a seat, please.

Don't fuck with me with freedom of the press.

You know that's conditional. We represent 40% of your ads!

Without us, there are no more cameras, you don't get paid!

Suit yourself, I warned you.

At your age, it's hard to find a job.

Fuck!

It was easier in Claire Chazal's day, damn it!

(I need an aspirin.) I need an aspirin.

Where were we?

-We were talking about... -What are you doing in the mouth?

-Uh... digital bug.

-I have the Israeli ambassador who insists on speaking to you.

The Minister of Industry is harassing me. The CRIF wants to have dinner.

-In this order: later, later and later.

Ludovic?

-A lot of bad news on social networks.

We've made it in Trending Topics World.

We're the most shared link on Facebook.

Image captures are on Instagram

on 23,649 accounts.

Not to mention the Snapchat who pick them up.

Our fan page is invaded. 17,000 comments.

Boycott groups

are springing up all over the place.

We stall them. The most important is American. Ideal Nazi.

3 million likes

in less than 2 hours. They're hateful, aren't they?

but it's huge. Can you imagine?

It's sick, it's crazy.

It's historic.

And catastrophic at the same time. -Can't we shut down the Internet?

-Actually, we checked, it's not possible.

-What do you think, Valentine?

-I told you that whore tastes like shit.

-Wait, that was your mission as Visual Coach World, wasn't it?

We pay you 80,000 a month to get us into this mess

and you're telling us this?

The one that tastes like shit,

she's the one who signed the whore contract.

Laughter

...

The Nazi Ideal...

Sounds a bit reheated, doesn't it?

-Yes, of course, it's a bit embarrassing, this story.

We don't talk about it on TV or in the newspapers,

compared with the 40% mentioned above.

Under German occupation,

it's a company that has always followed trends.

Let's say one thing

that we don't learn much at school.

During the war,

many French people were hoping for Adolf Hitler's victory

with the aim of eliminating certain fellow citizens.

Back then, it was all the rage!

Let's move on. Created by a pharmacist

in the 1920s,

L'Ideal dominates

the beauty products market which represents a cake

of $350 billion

per year.

The company now aims to to sell soap,

shampoo, perfume, moisturizers

petroleum-based, lightening creams

the skin of black and Indian women,

nail polish containing phthalates,

anti-wrinkle creams, creams that have never

no wrinkles to anyone.

Over the course of his life,

a woman swallows an average 3 kilos of lipstick.

She eats L'Ideal.

To sell beauty products,

we need to activate the desire for youth.

The same frustration, the same race against time,

the same criteria, the same model for all.

(German accent) Sound familiar?

-At the same time,

couldn't we surf on this? What I mean is,

it's just a sex tape, it's buzz.

Look at Kim Kardashian, Miley Cyrus.

-Did she make a sex tape? -Coming soon.

It's not that shocking. Yes, the form, all right.

Form, OK. -Dressing up like a Nazi,

we've all done it.

-All right, then. Regarding the new muse,

it would take...

-Well, a Jewess.

-A black woman.

Uh, sorry, a Black.

A black, one-eyed Jewess.

Moshe Dayan and Rihanna's child?

-Just listen,

we use Blacks for the African market.

We've got yellow

in Asia, Indian women in India, etc...

We're very open about niches.

We're looking for the European muse.

We need Caucasian.

-Caucasian, that's the word, in fashion, for White

without being bothered by SOS Racisme.

If I may say so,

the reality is that in Europe,

there are non-Caucasians. -We're not demographers.

There are Blacks in Finland and albinos in Portugal,

but now we're trying to save an international brand.

Do you realize why we're here?

If you don't know,

you don't have to do anything

in this room! Our work,

is to turn women into Snow White villains.

The one dressed in Mugler with the collar turned up

who every morning asks her mirror if she's the most beautiful.

Our job is to say "no"! "You're ugly, fat,

"old...

"and you smell bad." To sell perfumes.

The most beautiful,

is her. The one in shape. The model we created.

And today, she wears an SS cap on her head.

Give me a break from reality.

-Well...

-Do we need a return to safe values?

I don't know. A new Claudia Schiffer?

-A German woman, very good idea.

-I understand your interest

for the folklore of the Third Reich, but let's try to be mainstream.

Enough about actresses. They're all bitches.

Now, let me be clear

that all agencies were scanned in vain.

So here's Octave Parango.

He's the star of the Moscow scouts.

(English style) -Scout.

Model Scout.

Well, good evening to you all.

It's true that the apocalypse

is my ecosystem.

What's on that screen, is no accident.

No.

It makes perfect sense.

This muse simply expresses who you are, all of you, here.

Nazis.

That's all right.

It's only human.

-You have 20 seconds left.

-Good.

And it's perfect timing.

I know the one that will make you forget

Snow White SS.

-Cut the bullshit. Where is it? Do you have a JPEG?

-But I have more than a JPEG. I've got a story.

A real one.

That was 6 months ago,

deep in the Urals...

I was off to Samara

for a beauty contest.

The contest had come to nothing. So...

I went for a walk

in the deep steppe for this is the land of the fairies.

There, the legend of the...

Roussalka.

A naiad dressed

in a splendid dress of mist

drifting on the waves.

She was there.

It's gone.

Sweet air from the opera Rusalka

...

Mademoiselle?

Natacha?

Ludmilla?

Hello?

Now, you poor, but soon, you very rich!

Soaring.

I dived into the river to catch her.

To no avail.

Normally, I would have charged 50,000 euros,

but now I'm in a good mood. It's a gift.

-It's a bit cheesy, but I'll buy it.

What has the girl become?

-Ah... Gone, vanished, I don't know.

I almost drowned.

-You have to be careful.

-You must be joking. What do you mean, gone?

-I've been looking for it for 3 months.

-We're going to find her, aren't we?

-Which agency is she with?

-Nobody knows her. Call Sacha

for him to release my remuneration.

And just like that, I can finally get to work.

Research, it's long, it's hard work.

I won't see my friends, my family.

-We checked on Wikipedia, you have no family or friends.

-Yes, but then again, Wikipedia...

-OK, I'll give you green light.

You go to Russia and bring me the little virgin.

Both of us. -What do you mean, both of you?

-The best... the ideal...

-Ah yes, it's good.

-It would be

Valentine to accompany you.

That's good, a woman.

We don't have the same look as you men do.

-All right, let's do it. I'll go with him.

And we're bringing back the Ruskaia.

-La Roussalka. -You have 7 days.

-Huh? -Come on!

Since the start of this meeting I've lost the equivalent

of 12 houses in Corsica! This meeting is over.

I remind you that it never took place.

-We can't stand each other and we're going to have to work together.

-Exactly.

Give me five. -No physical contact.

-Shall we? I've got the Volga to climb.

By submarine, if need be.

*Skype ringtone

-Hey, Sacha. *-Octave, I missed you.

*My little rabbit...

-Excuse me?

Have you seen Monica Pynchon's Monica Pynchon on YouTube?

*-Who's the redhead talking?

*Is this what you found?

-No, no, no, no. -Yes, then, the redhead,

her name is Valentine.

I'm going to try to work with Octave.

L'Ideal is looking for its new face.

-We're looking for a girl

sublime, minor and virgin.

Do you have this in stock?

*-Sublime and minor, why not.

*But virgin... I don't have any more.

*He snorts.

*"They'll never be these vignette beauties.

*Tainted products born of a rascally century.

*"Those brodequin feet,

*"those castanet fingers,

*that will satisfy

*"a heart...

*"like mine."

*Charles Baudelaire.

*The Ideal. -Good. Sacha.

We already have a good feeling.

On the other hand, remind Octave

we're here to work. No more parties.

*Exaggerated laughter

*-That's funny.

*Electro music

*...

-This is Igor. Sasha's partner. He was fed up

to sell copper. So he invested in the

and since then, he's much more fulfilled in his work.

*...

-Hello everyone!

-Here's our friend Octave

arriving at 5:47pm! A beautiful day ahead.

-There's nothing on this board, damn it!

Here, we're looking for a top-of-the-range at the top end of the market.

She's not the little cagole on a TV show!

A piece of shit in Grazia! -Yeah, right.

-Do you know what's going on? Calm down! Calm the fuck down!

-But yes. -You have to think differently.

I fucked her, I fucked her, I've got to call her back.

Cuni, sodomy, lesbian.

-There's some kind of noise pollution

accompanied of alcohol and urine.

He imitates her.

Can someone open a window? -Do you know who this is?

1.72m, 85B. 17 BMI is good.

It is necessary to inject 250 cm3 into each breast.

To the left, to the right. We have one week!

Does everyone know? We've got a week.

Oh fuck.... This casting sucks!

-OK... Here we go.

-You only introduce me to my exes.

-That was a very interesting, Octave.

Now, let's calm down. There we are.

Everything's going to be fine. There's no problem.

Mommy's here, okay?

Here. You.

You, massage his sinuses, you go get a misting bottle.

You turn on Zen TV. Mouth spray.

Pauline, Corinne, machine : Lexo.

-It's still Victoria. That's all right.

-You, Octave,

you're going to take two Tic Tacs from this box.

Come on, come on, come on. There you go, there you go.

Come on, relax.

Calm down.

We breathe.

Imagine a mountain lake.

All is calm... peaceful...

Oh, look...

In a meadow, ponies graze on green grass.

-A squirrel goes by. He's so cute.

Perhaps he's looking for nuts to take back to the burrow?

-But...

Squirrels live in trees.

Not in the burrows.

-Oh... well, he's better now.

-No, but... hey hey hey!

Real girls,

you won't find them in agencies or in Miss contests.

It's up to us to find them. Not them.

This is the reason why you need to open this window.

For example, I don't know... Kate Moss.

It was discovered at JFK.

Er... Gisèle Bündchen? Amusement park.

-Yes, Laëtitia Casta on a beach, Lara Stone in the metro,

Elle Macpherson skiing. We know.

-Christy Turlington? -She rode horses.

Naomi Campbell?

-In a shoe store. Claudia Schiffer?

-In a discotheque called... ?

-THE CHECKER'S!

-Now, Octavian... look at me.

Look at me. -Yes?

-Roussalka?

Isn't it real?

-I had an affair in Samara with a chick and...

And then I embroidered a little. I added.

-Ah yes, well... I figured as much.

I googled Rusalka it's a play by Pushkin.

It doesn't matter, your storytelling is sold,

your salary is justified.

Now.., you're going to have to let us work.

-I'm sure she's out there. I can feel it.

-Yes, Mr. Waste.

We'll find her, your mythical Rusalka.

Valentine takes care of it.

-Wait, does that mean...

you're not mad at me?

-Oh no, I stopped making since yesterday.

No physical contact.

All right, suckers, you heard it

what our hobo friend told us. Rake it all in.

Airports, train stations, subways,

markets, parks,

schools, kindergartens, nurseries, everything.

-I have a theory. In the capitalist system,

life is a casting.

We spend our existence trying to be chosen.

I could expand on this idea, but you get the idea.

Good evening.

Are you a minor or an adult?

-I'm fifteen years old.

-Minor? We'll keep it.

Don't change your age.

Wait for me there.

-Next!

What's all this?

-What the hell is this?

-What if you stopped eating for 1 year?

And then you call us back.

-Are you kidding me?

-We love stockings, but we don't know

what to do with the top. It's unsellable.

Next!

-Distressing, pathetic, appalling. Dirty.

-Poupinette saw the light

so she's back?

Yes? -Come on. Beat it.

-Natacha.

-Is there only one first name in this country?

That's boring.

-Come on, next.

-Too many gums.

-And she's a redhead.

We can't have a redhead.

Let me show you something.

Look at you.

Would you let yourself into a club?

I don't think so.

I'm going to degrease it a bit.

Even here, there's still some rind left.

Let's try it in 95C.

We plane the nose, cut off his head.

Sorry.

-She's disgusting!

She's filthy!

-Now we've found our muse!

-Fuck you!

I'm a real woman!

Fuck you all!

-Next.

All we have are non-choices. -It's a non-day.

Any girl who is a candidate for a casting

instantly loses its purity.

"Broken Robots (Soom T)

...

*-Debout, Starsky and Hutch.

*I don't pay you to sleep. Did you see that?

Delasalle.

-Er... Moulard.

Good evening.

Er...

-I'm truly sincerely sorry.

I regret what happened.

I'm not a National Socialist.

*I didn't know what this disguise meant.

*In fact,

I didn't know the camera was rolling.

I apologize my apologies to all those

whom I have offended with my sexual practices.

*I really like Jews.

*My agent is Jewish.

My banker is Jewish.

And I work in the film industry, so...

You see.

*I often go to New York.

*They're brave,

*workers...

That's why they they have so much money.

*I didn't want

provoke them by saying "Heil Hitler".

It was purely sexual.

-Of course.

*-I've never

*Nazi ideology.

I'm actually I'm all for tolerance

between all races.

Whether they are higher or lower .

*-We can't kill this person.

*Unfortunately, it's illegal in France.

This morning, our share price dropped another 4 points

following this idiotic monologue and your inefficiency.

I've lost

20 million this week and the company, 2 billion.

*-This Monica

*is always where you least expect it.

*-I don't like your tone.

*Let me summarize the situation.

*On the one hand, our share price is plummeting,

since the brand synonymous with the Holocaust.

Our shareholders are calling for an announcement

in the very short term.

I have to help them regain the taste of living comfortably

by making others work.

*You're going to find me the Volga redhead, and fast!

My patience expired 30 seconds ago.

*We want a girl so young

that when she hears 39-45, she thinks of a shoe size.

I'll give you 2 days.

Moulard?

-Where are my Xanax?

I've sacrificed everything for this job.

The Ideal is my life. I'm in the middle

burn out. Where are the Xanax?

-I'm looking.

-M. Parango has finished the box. -What's up?

-I've seen it.

-Go back to the photocopier.

-Cigarette, cigarette. -Come on, let's go.

-Where in God's name is it?

We've turned the whole of Russia upside down!

Where can we find it in 2 days?

-We're on the wrong track.

Perfection, the golden ratio, it's all bullshit.

This whole thing is a karmic thing.

If you look, you won't find it.

You have to stop looking.

You have to let go.

-Are you in the middle of a descent?

-Let's be humble before destiny.

You have to go sincere emotion,

deeply human.

And we sell emotion to puddings.

-Okay, now you're talking. Concretely, what do we do?

-We have to watch out for the slightest sign that will...

-Sasha Gorlov invites you to his party.

-Yes, thank you.

What's up? No. You're not even thinking about it.

Hip hop music

...

-Octave! -Igor!

I forgot to tell you, Igor doesn't speak French

or English. Well, in English, he knows two words.

-Funny! -Funny.

-Party! Party!

-That's all there is to it. He's used up all his vocabulary.

Oh well!

-Yes, well, we're going out.

We're going out.

Party!

Your phones.

-A little clarification: Sacha is so rich,

than at home, garden gnomes are alive.

-Funny. Party.

Come on!

-Good evening, welcome to Sachaland.

-Good evening, madame.

-Bon voyage.

-Funny!

Party!

"Putin Light Up The Flames" (Pussy Riot)

...

-Blue Vodka, cheers!

-Oh, no, no. Not during work.

Is it possible to have a Perrier ?

-Cheers!

-Party.

Party.

Drink!

-Ah, Igor has learned a new word.

...

-Live from Bogota!

-Niet, niet, niet.

No, Octave, we came

to work.

-Party!

...

-Say, how hospitable these Russians are!

-We're here to work.

-Party!

Electro music

...

-Oh! Octave!

-Hey, Sacha!

-Welcome to Sachaland!

...

-Great party!

-Thank you, thank you!

...

-Octave, this is Milana.

She's the woman of my life. We're in love.

-Isn't it the same as last week?

-No. With her, it's serious business.

We're getting married.

-I wish you a week of happiness.

-I can't... I can't hear you.

-You're both beautiful.

-The redhead!

It's Valentine's Day!

-At night!

It's Valentine's night!

-Do you like my drugs?

-No, I'm sorry.

Sorry, Sasha, I never take drugs.

-Yes, it is!

Blue Vodka is full of drugs.

-Sacha?

Sacha!

-Shit!

The music fades.

...

Tchaikovsky's Waltz of the Flowers resonates in Valentine's head.

...

-I'm a drone, damn it!

And I fly up into the sky!

...

Electro music resumes.

...

-Drink.

...

Party! Party!

...

Drink!

-Igor. Igor.

Party = No fun.

Life = Funny.

Party = No fun.

-Funny?

-Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, I get it, it works better that way.

-Octave?

-Yes?

-Don't you remember me?

-No, it's not. -Olga.

-I know a lot of Olga.

-Oh yes, I know that.

-Did we sleep together?

-Yes, Octave.

-That's why I forgot about you.

-You haven't changed at all, Octave.

You're such an asshole!

-God, you're so beautiful.

I want to marry you.

-That's a bit fast for me.

-You know it's possible in France?

-Really? -I like the way you smell.

I like the way you smell.

-It's my shampoo.

-No, it's you.

I like the way you smell.

-What was in your glass?

-Blue Vodka is full of drugs!

-Of course!

-Cheers! Hey!

Frankly... I feel comfortable with you.

There's something nice going on, I like it.

I think that, you know, we're too dependent on this crap.

Fuck cell phones!

Take that in your mouth.

She laughs.

She screams.

...

Cheerful children's music

...

Funny.

Party.

What's the matter with you? Are you out of your mind?

Fuck, I'm having a flash.

I got tased by a dwarf, it was violent.

Holy cow! -Say, there...

The two of us, we wouldn't have... -Wouldn't what?

-Here.

-Ah! No idea.

You told me about your mother for hours.

-What? -But the rest...

Oh, yes!

Yes, we tried, but you just couldn't do it.

-I don't think so. -Yes, it would.

-It's never happened to me. -I don't mind.

-That wasn't me. -It was cute.

It was cute. -That wasn't me.

-I'm in. -Can't be cute.

Or if it was cute...

It was a bit beastly. -No, it wasn't.

You're more talkative than active. -What's up?

-It was cute. It was cute.

We were like two little kittens.

It was cute, I tell you.

-A kitten? -Yeah, a kitten.

-Go for it!

I'm not used to with pregnant women.

-If you like, I can fly my helicopter my helicopter to bring you back.

- Niet. Niet.

-We're fine, it's good.

Huh? -No, it's all right.

-All is well.

Thank you very much.

*-In 12 metres, turn right.

*Turn right.

*You have arrived.

*You have arrived.

*You're on a steep descent.

*Take 5 Stilnox.

*Your life has no meaning.

*I'd rather be a GPS watch than a piece of trash like this.

*-Advertising. Increase size

*penis, fast, discreet service.

*-You're going to end up badly. If I were you,

*I would kill myself.

*Violence is the recourse of those who have run out of arguments.

*Violence... arguments...

*Pop music on television

*...

-Hello, Valentine. Your wife is waiting for you.

-I beg your pardon?

-Good afternoon.

-Crap.

-You asked me to marry you, last night...

-Yeah...

A lot happened, last night.

I got tased by a dwarf!

-Oh no, my God...

Last time I was there, I woke up naked in a zoo.

Pretty scary.

Sacha said

that you were casting, so I came along.

I need to see Octave.

-Well...

Currently, Octave is...

In a sleep meeting with himself.

You're very beautiful, but...

How can I tell you?

You really don't have the age we're looking for.

-Well, it's not for me.

I'd like to introduce him to his daughter.

-Octave? -Hum hum.

-Octave has a child?

-He doesn't know.

He paid for the abortion.

But I kept the money and the child.

-Clever.

-Right.

You've got to see it.

Can I show it to you? -Of course.

-She's very beautiful.

Right?

-How old is she? -Under 15.

-And what's her name? -Lena.

She needs to travel.

It's a real opportunity for her.

-Where does she live?

-Here, in Moscow.

Well, now, she's at her grandmother's in Samara.

-In Samara?

-Hey, motherfucker!

-This way!

-So this is how we don't respect women?

Shouting and hubbub

...

Come here, you sexist pig!

Hits

...

-There's been a mistake!

-So Valentine, you're pregnant?

-Yes. -And who's the father?

-I chose it from the of the California Sperm Bank.

Because he looked like Mark Ruffalo.

Olga? -Hmm?

-Can I ask you a personal question?

-Yes.

-What did you see in Octave?

What attracted you to him?

-I know.

I know, it's gonna sound crazy. I know it's gonna sound crazy.

But I don't know, I was young.

He looked... lost. He looked like an abandoned child.

But the French way.

"Oh... Valentine...

"Obey Mr. French."

"Kiss me, baby."

"You're so beautiful, I want to devour you."

"Come here!"

-It's an impressive imitation, you know?

You're very talented.

Octave groaned.

-I just don't get it, I'm a feminist...

-Hi, pig! -Anastasia...

Hi, there.

-You said I'd have a good life. Lies!

I ended up at a porn shoot! -It was a charming film.

It was very good, I saw it three times. It was great, you were...

-You selfish, sexist son of a bitch! selfish, sexist son of a bitch!

-My mother is not a whore.

I'm doing this because I need the money.

Do you want to sleep together?

Octave screams.

We knock.

No, please, don't hit!

-It's Valentine!

-I quit!

Valentine drums.

-It's Valentine.

I've been calling you. Didn't you get my messages?

What happened to you?

-I'm the victim of an attack.

-An attack? -Yes, an attack.

Feminism is painful. Sing me a lullaby in Swedish.

-I don't speak Swedish.

-Ouch! -Don't touch.

-You're crazy!

-Stop it, it's okay, hey oh.

-I feel sorry for your future kid.

Ah, but...

-Good news: we're off to Samara with Sacha's chopper.

-I hate choppers. -Oh hey...

-To do what?

-This is a surprise. -I hate surprises.

-It was all talk:

"be humble to the power of destiny"?

Mr. Parango is afraid of a surprise.

-Go by yourself, if you like.

I need to recover. I've been assaulted.

I'll stop, it's not for me.

"You're beautiful, you're ugly", it's vulgar, it's not like me.

I dream of a small village,

lost in nature,

I would go fishing, live by my hands.

-Of course you can.

-I'd fish for caviar... -Yes...

-Where did you find it?

-It's complicated.

-What, is it complicated? -I'll explain later.

-Woke up lost

In a world I didn't know

I shook it off and...

I'm trying to make a go

...

Ever get the feeling That the story isn't done

And you know that you are not

The only one

And I know you're out there somewhere

And I know that you are well

Looking for an answer

-Good afternoon.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

I'm Valentine Winfeld, visual coach for L'Ideal Paris.

OK.

Do you know L'Ideal Paris?

"Because you're you."

"Because you're you."

My best friend is Calvin Klein!

Don't you have a TV? -Never mind.

This is ZZ Top, not here.

-We're looking for a girl: her name is Lena Doytcheva.

-Ah yes, over there!

Lena!

-Yes?

-She's all right. -Yeah, she is.

-She's even very good. -Yes, I'm telling you!

You invented it in the boardroom. You almost made it!

Hi, Lena!

I'm Valentine, a friend of your mother's.

-I called you yesterday, remember? -Yes, I remember.

-Well, here we are.

-His eyes are exactly Pantone Blue Horizon 4.

-Who is this patient?

-She speaks French!

You can stand in profile, front? Hands?

-Would you like some fish?

-A little surly. It adds to his charm.

But... are you possible?

-You're finally getting it, Octave.

-Octave? I've heard that name before.

-I never want to leave you again.

Just listen. You, very poor now,

but you, soon to be very rich.

We'll sell it for a fortune.

-Hang on a sec. -You, TV campaign...

Nice people, very nice to you.

PPDA, Jean Dujardin, Jean-Yves Le Fur.

Just listen.

What are you doing tonight?

Do you like old people? Jets?

-No!

I have something important to tell you.

I don't know how to put it.

-We solemnly announce

that you will become the new face of Europe

from L'Ideal. -Did my mother send you?

She's crazy. -Where's your dad?

A lot of money. -I didn't know him.

He just gave my mother money to abort me.

-By the way, Lena, I'd like you to meet your father.

Octave, meet your daughter. Ta da!

Ah... here we are. -What's all this crap?

You don't have to make up myths.

-It's not a myth. -What's not a myth?

-She's your daughter.

-The unfunny, smelly old man, is that my dad?

-That's it. That's it. -No, it isn't.

-Octave, Olga's lover,

it was you!

-Shit...

Olga would be your mother?

-Here we are.

-It means... If you're my daughter,

I'm your father? -Well, yes.

-Am I his father? -Yes, you are.

-No way, I didn't do that.

I didn't write this.

Me? That's not...

I just...

I'm not prepared.

It's great.

Children usually cost money.

You, you're going to bring me some. Sorry, I'm clumsy.

Ah, that's...

It's crazy.

-Don't come any closer!

I can't swim. -Where are you going?

Come on, let's talk.

What are you doing?

If you jump, I'll jump with you. Is that what you want?

Dramatic aria from the opera Rusalka

...

-Octave, I don't know if you can hear me.

I beg your pardon.

I blame myself.

I shouldn't have interfered in what was none of my business.

I was happy to have found the Roussalka.

Do you understand?

Oh, don't leave me...

Oh...

Octave, oh!

But you gave me such a fright!

You were underwater for a long time!

You've been freediving.

-I heard everything you said.

In fact, you're crazy about me.

-What's wrong? Hello?

I'm glad you're okay, but we're not...

-Where is my daughter?

-Er... -Lena? Where's Lena?

Lena!

Lena!

I don't know if you can hear me.

I don't want you to die. Do you understand? Understand?

-I fucking hate sushi!

-You two are very lucky.

Don't go to the Volga.

If you can't... swim.

-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I blame myself.

It's my fault, I...

-This is your fault. Just leave us alone. Go away.

Get out of here.

What?

-She's doing well.

-Oh, my God, that's such a relief.

Valentine groaned in pain.

What is it?

What's going on?

-I think you're in labor.

-I don't think so, I'm giving birth November 14 at the American Hospital.

Impossible. Ouch!

-I'll get the doctor. You're going to be fine.

-It really hurts.

-Doctor! Doctor! -Don't leave me!

No, no...

Stay away from me. You're not even real doctors.

Have you ever had a C-section? I want a C-section.

-Good morning!

I'm home!

My daughter is here!

My daughter is here!

Come on, I'll call you back later!

Work's done! -Goodbye, little dick.

-Goodbye, Octave. -Goodbye, Octave.

We often have business meetings.

They stay a while to fine-tune the collections.

-Don't call me.

-It's a little tense. -You're not even hard.

-The door!

You'll e-mail me the memo, won't you?

Would you like a drink? -No, I'm fine.

-Yes, look, I have some...

Would you like to?

Maybe not.

So come on.

This is the living room.

This is where I receive all the... all the financial partners...

work... Come.

I don't know, sit down.

What are we going to do? Want to watch a cartoon?

I've got Ratatouille, The Lion King.

-I'm 15, I listen to Die Antwoord,

I watch Saw and I read Our Opposite Stars, OK?

-OK, well... my daughter is a goth.

My daughter is a goth.

What do you want to be when you grow up? -Film director.

I've filmed people I think are beautiful. -You have?

Did you do this?

-Yes.

-Interesting stuff.

How long have you been doing this? -About a year.

-You're good, aren't you?

You're really good.

Is that fake fire?

-What? -Here.

-Ah yes, uh... It's fake fire. Well, no, it's real.

-What's wood for?

-It's for authenticity. It's important to...

to do...

a little authenticity.

-Is guitar for girls?

-What's up? -Do you play?

-Well...

What kind of gothic as a gothic song?

Ah, maybe I'll do that.

I'm not used to it, I warn you.

Sweet melody

Intro to My Girl by Nirvana

-My daughter, my daughter

Don't lie to me

Where did you sleep last night?

...

In the woods, in the woods

Where the sun don't shine

How could I have wasted all this time

Without you

My daughter, my daughter

...

-It's lovely.

This place is weird, isn't it?

Yeah.

Show me a place that looks like you.

-First you have to change your look.

*Russian partisan song

*...

-Hi there...

*...

-Hi, there.

*...

-Ah yes, you really are a communist.

*...

-Password? -Fuck Putin's mother.

-Lena!

-Good evening.

-Ah, here's the friend

oligarchs.

Despite my best efforts,

you've got enough balls left to make it this far.

What would you like? A second beating?

-I'm bringing my daughter.

I'm a friend.

-Listen, I present to you

my biological father. He works for L'Ideal .

Shouting and hullabaloo And thanks to him,

this multinational

capitalist wants to make me my muse.

Cries of protest

-Hush!

We're sorry that your dad's a pig.

But you're not going to work for this totalitarian empire?

-Listen, an opportunity like this will never happen again.

I have a serious proposal to you.

-Yes.

-What's with the bitch?

I don't fucking believe it!

That bitch Wang!

She chose another chick without telling me? That bitch!

Don't look, they want to format you

but Mom's here. Don't worry. Don't worry. Baby crying

Damn, it's everywhere!

-Valentine, stop.

-I don't believe it, she's sending me to Moscow for this?

Bullshit! We don't want any more of this crap!

Look what Mom's doing to cardboard girls!

Look what she's doing to them! -Police!

-A bonfire!

A fire of... ah, sorry.

No.

I recognize the slip. I'm going to pull myself together.

I'm becoming aware of it.

-Maybe you should stop burning everything, Valentine!

-Good afternoon.

-Monsieur... madame...

-Carine Wang. You got a call from a friend, from the ministry.

-The arsonist?

Um...

Does it make you smile?

Let me explain it again.

Vigipirate plan.

Attentat alert.

Normally, she's exhausted.

Because the state of emergency,

we've got the green light! And now to set things on fire

in an airport...

not good.

And in a case like this...

we draw. -Holy shit.

-Well, yeah.

And we shoot. -Yeah.

-And we shoot. -Ah.

-We're all energized.

The safety catch is gone.

Can you see a safety catch?

You can't take people for fools.

And at the same time, I understand her.

We all have our little problems,

our little delusions, our little worries.

Our little vices.

You can find

videos on the Internet... -May I?

-Yes.

-What's wrong with your head?

Do you think we need this?

Your little auto-da-fé was filmed, it could have ended up on the net.

What's going on under that orange hair of yours?

-What's this, this shitty new campaign

behind my back?

I'm still the visual coach, aren't I?

-We're happy with Lena.

-Ah well, thanks. -But someone had to jump.

It couldn't have been me. So here. Sign this.

Bottom right. It's better for everyone.

-You don't fire me, I quit.

-It's amazing, you can guess the letters before you read them.

-You know what?

I don't give a shit about this job.

I've moved on.

Did you hear? I'm a mother.

I have real responsibilities.

You don't know what this is.

-When can she come out? -Calm down.

She'll be out when I say so.

Now is good. Now is good.

He opens the door.

-Voilà... It'll do you good to work harder.

You'll be able to take care of your daughter.

More responsibility, more stress, more money.

I almost envy you.

-You're so full of shit that you believe it.

-This isn't a tea room. -Stop making sexist remarks.

-It's ok... -Don't you want me to walk you home?

-You know what?

You don't deserve to be a woman.

-Fuck you, Christine Boutin!

If you're going to be a woman, you might as well be a bitch!

Audience standing ovation

...

Beauty is you.

That's us.

It's a bit like me.

Laughter

L'Ideal has always been ,

we have a goal: that 3 billion women

want to look the same.

The past year

was full of twists and turns.

I'm referring to that skid at the start of the season.

I can say today it's all in the past.

Even if we all know

what I'm talking about. I'm proud to present

our new muse. But...

before discovering it...

I'd like to recall its history.

It's a...

modern fairy tale.

His dad, who works for us

long ago, didn't know her. Inaudible remarks

So for her, a rebirth.

And for us,

it's very moving to offer him this second life.

As far as I'm concerned,

it evokes things for me.

A new life.

Sorry, I...

This lovely story,

you can read about it in the press kit.

Without further ado, I ask you to welcome him.

It's fresh and bright,

she is the new Ideal Woman:

Miss Lena Doytcheva-Parango!

Acoustic version of Barbie Girl

-Well done!

...

-I'm a Barbie girl

In a Barbie world

Life in plastic

It's fantastic

You can brush my hair

Undress me everywhere

Imagination

Life is your creation

I'm a blond bimbo girl

In a fantasy world

Dress me up, make me talk, I'm your dollie

-(What's that?)

-You're my doll Rock'n'roll

Feel the glamour and pain -What's that?

-Kiss me here, touch me there Hanky panky

-Octave, she's the woman of my life!

-No way, get lost.

If you say I'm always yours

I'm a Barbie girl In a Barbie world

Life in plastic

It's fantastic You can brush my hair

Undress me everywhere

...

Imagination

Life is your creation

Come on Barbie, let's go party Ah ah ah yeah

Come on Barbie, let's go party

Fuck L'Ideal!

*Hardrock version of Barbie Girl

Cries of revolt

*... ...

-Fuck L'Ideal!

*... ...

-Fuck L'Ideal!

*... ...

-Fascists!

*... ...

*TV jingle

*-L'Ideal press press conference was sabotaged

*by a group of feminist activists.

*Actually, flames

*and smoke from the building.

*We have new information:

*just in, the company spokesman announces

*that Carine Wang had a nervous breakdown.

*Ms. Carine Wang...

*It's a bloodbath ladies and gentlemen.

*She just hit a black woman in the face.

*This is a horrible situation, I'm sorry.

*The images are coming. If you're sensitive,

*leave the room!

-You just have to do the crossing out. You know what I mean?

It's great.

She swears in Russian.

It's very good what you've done.

-AC/DC have never played the balalaika.

-No, we don't know. Maybe it didn't sell as well

and never bragged about it.

They all started with the balalaika.

I'm sure, sweetheart. Work a little.

It'll be great. Someday you'll thank me.

"My Girl" (The Jesus And Mary Chain)

-I've got sunshine On a cloudy day

...

-How sweet they are, my little women.

Oh, and you...

He chirps.

He's so cute. -You know something?

-What's up? -Good timing.

It's your shift. Be good, take care of it.

We need a little privacy.

-My girl

Talking 'bout my girl My girl

...

-They need privacy.

That's the way it is.

We'll just be the two of us.

But of course. Let's look at the frogs.

Look at the frogs going "ploc".

Take a look. See that?

There, just like you.

-I guess you'd say

What can make me feel this way?

My girl

My girl

Talking 'bout my girl

...

-So, who's the boss?

...

-I don't need no money

Fortune, or fame

...

We knock.

I've got all the riches

-Good morning to you. -Good morning to you.

-Did you request a babysitter?

-Baby-sitter?

-I guess you'd say

What can make me feel this way?

My girl

My girl

Talking 'bout my girl

...

I got sunshine On a cloudy day

...

I even got the month of May

I got

I got what she

...

I got my girl in the month of May

Talking 'bout my girl

My girl

...

- Shama Izrel Adènè.

-Shema Israel Adonai.

She sighs.

"Russian Partisan's Song" (The Red Army Choir)

...

...

Soft music

...

Subtitles: HIVENTY