Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- I WILL BE KIND TO YOU

AND NOT CALL YOU ANY OTHER NAME THAN JOYCE.

- I'M SORRY IF I HURT YOU

CALLING YOU THE THINGS THAT I CALLED YOU

BECAUSE I AM WOMAN ENOUGH TO ACCEPT MY MISTAKES.

- DON'T TOUCH ME! EW!

LIKE, DON'T COME NEAR ME.

- OKAY. [chuckles]

- I AM NOT A PRUDE AT ALL. YEAH.

YAY!

- CHICA. CHICA!

- EVERY SINGLE DOOR HAS TO BE HIT.

I KNOW I NEED TO STAY POSITIVE.

I JUST CAN'T. I DON'T KNOW WHY.

I'M GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS AND PUTTING UP SIGNS

FOR A DOG THAT I THINK GOT KILLED BY COYOTES.

- HEY, B. - YOU KNOW, I'M COMING

TO SACRAMENTO ON DAD'S BIRTHDAY.

AM I GONNA BE INVITED? [chuckles]

THINGS WITH MY DAD ARE NOT AMAZING RIGHT NOW.

HE WAS VERY OFFENDED BY MY OSCAR DRESS.

I MEAN, LIKE, GO [bleep] YOURSELF.

WHAT CAN YOU SAY TO THAT?

[upbeat music]

- I'M FROM THIS TOWN.

I KNOW WHAT'S REAL AND WHAT'S FAKE.

- DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE MY FRIEND, ACT LIKE ONE.

- IN BEVERLY HILLS, THE HIGHER YOU CLIMB, THE FARTHER YOU FALL.

- EVERYBODY LOVES A COMEBACK STORY,

ESPECIALLY STARRING ME.

- IN MY WORLD, MONEY DOESN'T TALK, IT SWEARS.

- YOU COULD NEVER BE TOO YOUNG, TOO THIN, OR TOO HONEST.

- LIFE IS A SEXY, LITTLE DANCE, AND I LIKE TO TAKE THE LEAD.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- HELLO. - HI, HONEY.

- HI.

YAY. - HOW ARE YOU?

MWAH.

- REALLY, WHAT WAS THAT? HALF-MOUTH?

both: MWAH.

[laughter] - YOU GET ALL MINE.

MWAH. - ALWAYS.

HI, BABY GIRL.

WE HAVE OUR POOL PARTY EVERY YEAR.

THEY ARE JUST UNINHIBITED, AND WE DON'T SKIMP ON ANYTHING.

WE WANT PEOPLE TO HAVE A GREAT TIME.

- GIRLS AUDITIONING GIRLS. RAWR. - RAWR!

- IT'S THE PUSSY POWER.

- WE REALLY DO THINK ABOUT ENTERTAINING EVERYBODY,

SO WE ALWAYS GET IT CATERED

AND WE HAVE GIRLS.

- HI. - HI.

- HELLO. COME ON IN.

TARA, NICE TO MEET YOU. HI.

- HI.

GIRLS ON POLES, GIRLS ON OUR INTERIOR BALCONIES.

WE LIKE TO CELEBRATE BEAUTY, ESPECIALLY IN WOMEN.

WE PROBABLY HAVE TEN GIRLS POSSIBLY JUST COMING TODAY

JUST TO AUDITION, AND WHAT WE'RE LOOKING FOR

IS TO HIRE FOUR GIRLS.

YOU CAN SHOW THEM WHERE TO CHANGE.

THIS SHOULD BE INTERESTING. [giggles]

THEY'RE REALLY PRETTY. - ARE THEY?

- YEAH, I HOPE THEY'RE AS TALENTED AS PRETTINESS.

- THEY'RE NOT GONNA DO IT NAKEY, ARE THEY?

- NO.

- I DON'T WANNA SEE THEM GET NAKEY.

- OKAY, BABE. - NOT YET.

- JUST US. - YEAH.

- OKAY. - [laughs]

- YOU CAN GET NAKEY. - YOU GET NAKED.

- YOU GET NAKEY.

- YOU GET NAKED FIRST. - YOU.

- I THINK BOTH OF YOU SHOULD GET NAKED.

[laughter]

[cheers and applause]

- THERE'S NOTHING NEGATIVE ABOUT WHAT WE DO

WHEN WE HAVE PARTIES.

IT REALLY IS IN CELEBRATION OF WOMEN.

[cheers and applause]

- IS THIS TOO MUCH?

- NO, IT'S NOT TOO MUCH. - NEVER TOO MUCH.

- I THINK THE FEMALE BODY

HONESTLY IS A-- IS A WORK OF ART.

IT'S LYRICAL. THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

IT'S BEAUTY.

YAY! I'M HAPPY! [laughter]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[chuckling]

THEY'RE DOIN' A PRETTY DECENT JOB.

I MEAN, NOT TO THE LEVEL

THAT I REALLY EXPECTED AND WANTED TO SEE.

I WANT SOMEBODY THAT KNOWS HOW TO WORK THE POLE

IN A POSITIVE WAY.

- UH, YEAH.

WELL, DID YOU LIKE THEM SO FAR?

- I DID, BUT I DO WANT SOME POLE WORK.

I MEAN, THAT'S THE IDEA. - TO CLIMB UP ON THE POLE.

- YEAH. - AND ARE WE PICKING PEOPLE

THAT YOU LIKE OR THAT DAVID LIKES?

- AH!

THEY LIKE THE SAME. [laughter]

- YES. - AND HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT?

[laughter]

- 'CAUSE I'VE KNOWN THEM SO LONG.

- HM. HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW THEM?

[laughter]

both: HEY. - AND WE HAVE DIANA.

[cheers and applause]

- DON'T HOLD BACK. AT ALL.

- YEAH. - AY, YI, YI.

- THIS IS WHAT WE WANT, BABY.

YEAH. [laughter]

[cheers and applause]

[giggling]

[laughter and applause]

- OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S NOTHING TO THINK ABOUT HERE,

SO WE WOULD LOVE IF YOU'RE AVAILABLE THE 13TH.

THAT WOULD BE AMAZING. - I WOULD LOVE THAT.

- OH, MY GOODNESS. - OH, MY GOSH.

- OH, MY GOD. - YEAH, BABY.

- WHOO. [laughter]

[dog barks]

- SUGAR.

COME TO YOUR MOMMY.

COME HERE.

OH, BOOBA-LOOGA.

I KNOW. I DON'T LIKE HIM EITHER.

HE JUST RUINED MY BED.

THE BEST WAY TO RELIEVE MY KIDS' WORRY ABOUT CHICA

IS TO GET A NEW DOG RIGHT AWAY.

[dog whimpers]

HI, STUPID. HI.

SO WE GO TO THE SHELTER,

AND THE BOYS PICK OUT BUDDY.

WHY WOULD YOU PEE IN THE BED?

[doorbell rings]

OH, COME ON. SOMEBODY'S HERE.

BUDDY IS NOT CHICA.

- OH. - HE JUST PEED ON MY COMFORTER.

JUST NOW. - OH, HE'S SO CUTE, THOUGH.

- YOU CAN HAVE HIM.

BUDDY LIFTS HIS LEG WHEN HE PEES,

WHICH IS DISGUSTING,

AND HE'S OBSESSED WITH ME.

I JUST CAN'T HANDLE IT. HE GOES EVERYWHERE WITH ME.

I HATE IT.

- DID YOU SAVE HIM FROM BEING PUT DOWN?

- YES, OF COURSE. - OH!

YOU LOVE HIM. I CAN TELL YOU DO.

- I--

EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THIS DOG,

I THINK ABOUT THE OTHER DOGS, EVEN THOUGH

THE KIDS ARE HAPPIER. - YEAH.

I DO-- - IT'S GONNA TAKE A WHILE, BRAN.

- I KNOW. IT'S ONLY BEEN--

I'VE ONLY HAD HIM FOR A DAY, BUT I'M GOING TO SACRAMENTO.

I HAVE A BOOK SIGNING THERE.

IT'S A HUGE DEAL FOR ME TO BE ASKED

TO HOST SOMETHING IN SACRAMENTO

WITH MY FAMILY THERE TO SEE, LIKE, I'VE "MADE IT."

HAPPENS TO FALL ON MY DAD'S BIRTHDAY.

HE'S UPSET THAT, IN THE BOOK, I SAID HE WAS A DRUG DEALER...

BECAUSE HE WASN'T ACTUALLY A DRUG DEALER.

HE WAS A MARIJUANA GROWER AND "DISTRIBUTOR" TO OUR NEIGHBOR--

- WELL, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

- I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S THAT DIFFERENT, BUT--

- WELL, IT IS DIFFERENT, YOU-- - BUT HE DID IT.

HE LIKED THE BOOK FOR THE WHOLE TIME, AND THEN

ALL OF A SUDDEN, ONE DAY-- - AND THEN HIS FRIENDS

DIDN'T LIKE IT. - YEAH.

MY DAD, WHEN WE WERE YOUNGER, WAS VERY HIPPIE.

I MEAN, I'M SCARRED BY THE AMOUNT OF TIMES

I SAW THE MAN NAKED. [laughs]

AS HE'S GOTTEN OLDER, HE'S KIND OF GONE

TO A MORE CONSERVATIVE SPACE,

SO I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NAVIGATE THIS NEW GUY GLANVILLE.

- HE MUST BE PROUD OF YOU, EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING.

- WELL, I DON'T THINK SO.

- ARE YOU TAKING YOLANDA WITH YOU?

- YEAH. YOLANDA'S GONNA COME.

- I WANTED TO GO. - I KNOW, I WISH YOU COULD COME.

I JUST FEEL LIKE YOLANDA IS SO RELATABLE.

YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW SHE HAD THAT CRAZY KIND OF MONEY.

WHEREAS IF IT WAS LISA COMING,

MY DAD MIGHT'VE BEEN INTIMIDATED

BY THE DIAMONDS AND THE "DARLING."

YO'S A LITTLE MORE NORMAL.

- THAT'S NOT VERY GOOD PACKING, BY THE WAY.

I'M NOT NAGGING YOU LIKE YOUR MOTHER.

- UH--

- I KNOW I-- - I MEAN, THAT'S ANOTHER THING.

- GIVE IT TO ME NOW. GIVE IT TO ME NOW.

YOU ARE NOT DOING THAT.

- LISTEN, I'M A GROWN WOMAN.

I KNOW YOU CARE ABOUT ME, BUT IT'S NOT AN ISSUE.

- NO, I KNOW YOU ARE, BUT I'M STILL GONNA LOOK AFTER YOU

AND LOOK OUT FOR YOU.

I THINK YOU'RE BEING OVERSENSITIVE TO THIS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE I'M NOT IN A GOOD PLACE

RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF MY DOG.

MAYBE I MISS MY [bleep] DOG. - THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

- AND I HAVE THIS LITTLE [bleep] PEEING EVERYWHERE,

AND I DON'T LOVE HIM YET,

AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT HIM, I THINK OF MY DOGS

AND MY POOR KIDS, AND THEN THIS--

ALL THIS OTHER [bleep] GOING ON WITH MY DAD.

- THE BRANDI I NORMALLY SEE IS KIND OF

UPBEAT AND BUBBLY, AND SHE'S QUITE TOUGH,

BUT THIS TO ME LOOKS LIKE A WHOLE DIFFERENT SITUATION.

SHE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE BROKEN BIRD.

I WANT, AS A FRIEND, TO HELP HER GET THROUGH.

- [crying]

I JUST WANNA LIVE A NORMAL LIFE,

AND I WANT MY DOG BACK.

[cries]

- IF I FEEL I'M FALLING,

I'VE GOT KEN THERE TO CATCH ME.

HER HUSBAND BUGGERED OFF WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

THAT IS DEVASTATING.

WE CAN NEVER FORGET THAT SHE'S ON HER OWN.

IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT SCENARIO.

- MY FAMILY'S, LIKE, FALLING [bleep] APART, AND I JUST...

- STOP IT, I DON'T LIKE SEEING YOU LIKE THIS.

SNAP OUT OF IT.

HUH?

- I'M TRYING.

- WOW, THAT'S A BIG CAR

FOR TWO LITTLE SKINNY GIRLS FROM BEVERLY HILLS.

IT KIND OF LOOKS LIKE HOLLAND.

IN HOLLAND, WE DIDN'T HAVE LIMOS.

- YOU JUST HAD MULES? - WE JUST HAD HORSES.

- I GOT INTO SO MUCH TROUBLE IN THIS CITY, YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

THIS IS WHERE I WORKED

AT AN OLD PEOPLE'S HOME CALLED SPRIGHTLY SENIORS.

ME AND ALL MY GIRLFRIENDS WERE WAITRESSES,

AND THEN WE WOULD STEAL THE ALCOHOL

AFTER THEY WENT TO SLEEP.

- OH, THAT'S NICE. - YEAH.

- YOU WERE NAUGHTY. - YEAH.

THAT'S WHERE I USED TO RIDE MY BIKE

TO GO TO THE CANDY STORE.

- THAT LOOKS SHADY TO ME. - [laughs]

AT THE TIME, THERE WAS A LOT OF GANG VIOLENCE.

LIKE, THE GANG PREVALENCE WAS REALLY--

LIKE AT OUR HIGH SCHOOL, WE HAD SHOOTINGS.

- IN HOLLAND, WE DIDN'T HAVE ANY GANGS, YOU KNOW?

- THERE WAS A LOT OF FINANCIAL ISSUES

IN MY HOUSEHOLD GROWING UP.

WE WOULD STAND NEXT TO THE DOOR

AND LISTEN TO THEM FIGHT ABOUT MONEY.

FOR ME, IT WAS, LIKE, MY PEERS.

LIKE, THEY ALL LIVED ON ONE SIDE OF THE RAILROAD TRACKS

AND I LIVED ON THE OTHER, SO THEY WERE LIKE,

"OH, WE DON'T WANT TO DRIVE OVER THERE.

WE'RE SCARED TO DRIVE OVER THERE."

- I'M EXCITED FOR TONIGHT. - ME TOO.

- I GOT A CARD FOR YOUR DADDY.

- AW. YOU'RE SO SWEET.

- YEAH. SO I HOPE HE COMES.

- I HOPE HE COMES TOO.

MY HOPE IS TO GET THINGS BACK ON TRACK WITH MY DAD.

I MEAN, I LOVE THAT MAN LIKE CRAZY.

I NEED THINGS TO BE NORMAL.

NORMALLY, WE TALK ALMOST EVERY DAY.

I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HIM IN MONTHS.

HE DOESN'T EVEN ANSWER MY TEXTS.

- YOU GOTTA TAKE A DEEP BREATH.

I KNOW YOU HAVE A LOT OF UNRESOLVED ISSUES,

BUT, YOU KNOW, AT THE END OF THE DAY,

YOU GOTTA JUST TRY TO LET IT GO.

- COMING UP...

- BAM! AND I JUST LOOKED. - OKAY, FIRST OF ALL...

- BUT EVEN THE GUN WAS--OH. - DON'T--POINT THE GUN THAT WAY.

- [laughs and snorts] - ALWAYS--

- HEY, DAD, IT'S BRANDI.

- YOU WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR MOM?

- HI, HOW ARE YOU? THANK YOU.

HI. - ARE YOU CHECKING IN?

- YES. - WHAT'S THE LAST NAME?

- FOSTER.

- SO YOU GUYS HAVE A BUSY EVENING PLANNED TONIGHT?

- WE DO, I THINK THERE'S A BOOK SIGNING

HERE IN THE HOTEL. - YES.

- THAT'S ME.

AND THEN WE'RE GONNA HAVE DINNER WITH MY FAMILY.

- THE QUEEN OF SACRAMENTO.

- HERE WE ARE, LADIES.

- OH, WOW--OH, WOW! - WOW!

THIS IS ONE SEXY ROOM. - OH!

DAVID IS GONNA BE JEALOUS. - EXACTLY.

LET'S SEE. - DON'T--OH, MY GOSH.

GET READY.

[plays piano haphazardly]

- OH, MY G-- [laughter]

- IS THIS, LIKE, THE PRESIDENTIAL SUITE?

- IT IS. - IS IT?

- REALLY? - YEAH, THIS IS--

- WHO STAYED HERE THAT WE WOULD KNOW?

- BARACK OBAMA? - NO.

- WHO STAYED HERE-- - I CAN TELL YOU SOMEBODY.

both: WHO?

- MR. SCHWARZENEGGER.

- EW! GET OUT OF THE BED! - AH! [laughs]

- OH, NO! - GET THE BLACK LIGHT!

GET THE BLACK LIGHT! OH! - OH! BLACK LIGHT!

- I KNEW--

- WHERE ARNOLD GOES, A BLACK LIGHT NEEDS TO FOLLOW.

CHEERS TO MY DAD. IT'S SO PRETTY.

- THAT IS REALLY PRETTY.

YOU KNOW WHAT MY DAD'S GONNA SAY?

- WHAT? - "OF COURSE YOU HAVE THIS ROOM.

YOU'RE SO FANCY AND HOLLYWOOD."

- OH. - I MEAN, I THINK.

- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, BABE? YOU GOTTA REMEMBER ONE THING.

WHEN HE SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT,

IT'S ONLY COMING FROM HIS INSECURITY.

SO YOU GOTTA FEEL EMPATHY FOR THAT

AND NOT TAKE IT PERSONAL. - I KNOW, I DO, I FEEL BAD,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO FEEL BAD FOR MY SUCCESS.

- OUR PARENTS CAN REACH THE DEEPEST PART OF US.

MY MOM'S ALWAYS LIKE, "HEY,

DON'T FORGET WHERE YOU CAME FROM."

LIKE, SHE WANTS TO KEEP ME DOWN.

YOU KNOW, I WANT YOUR MOM AND DAD TO ENJOY THIS TONIGHT.

- YEAH, I HOPE THEY COME. - 'CAUSE THIS IS SPECIAL.

THEY SHOULD BE PROUD OF YOU.

HUH? - MY MOM'S PROUD OF ME.

THEY'RE PROUD OF ME. - YES.

YOUR DAD IS PROUD OF YOU TOO. TRUST ME.

YOUR DAD IS PROUD OF YOU. I KNOW FOR SURE.

I'VE NEVER SEEN BRANDI THIS VULNERABLE AND NERVOUS

EVER BEFORE.

IT'S MAKING ME NERVOUS.

- I'M GONNA CALL MY MOM AND SEE IF MY DAD'S COMING.

[phone ringing]

- NOBODY'S ANSWERING YOUR-- - [on phone] HELLO?

- HEY, DAD, IT'S BRANDI. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

- YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MOM?

JUDY, IT'S BRANDI.

- HI.

- [on phone] YOUR DAD'S GETTING IN THE SHOWER.

HE SAID, "IF SHE BRINGS UP BLAH, BLAH, BLAH,

IT'S GONNA BE ALL OVER.

IT'S NOT GONNA BE NICE."

- ALL RIGHT. LOVE YOU.

- I LOVE YOU TOO, BABE. GOOD LUCK.

- [chuckles] I'M GONNA NEED IT.

- WE ALL ARE. OKAY, BYE. - BYE.

[beep]

[sighs]

- IS MY WARDROBE BADASS ENOUGH FOR SHOOTING?

- FOR SURE. - [laughs]

'CAUSE YOU KNOW IT'S ALL ABOUT THE WARDROBE.

- HEY. [gunshot]

- I'M TOM. - TOM, GREAT TO MEET YOU.

I'M MICHAEL. - HI, TOM.

SO NICE TO MEET YOU. [gunfire]

- I HEAR YOU'RE GONNA LEARN HOW TO SHOOT TODAY.

- I'M EXCITED. - YES, YES, THANK YOU

FOR DOING THIS. - LOOK, I HAVE A GUN.

- LET'S GO DO IT.

- THERE WE GO. - LET'S DO IT.

WE DO HAVE A GUN IN THE HOUSE,

AND IF SOMEBODY'S GONNA COME INTO MY HOUSE

TO HARM MY BABIES OR MY HUSBAND OR MY FAMILY,

THEN I'M GONNA BE READY TO USE THAT GUN.

POOM! POOM! POOM! LIKE THAT?

- NOT QUITE LIKE THAT.

WHY ARE YOU INTERESTED IN LEARNING HOW TO SHOOT?

- I WANT HER TO LEARN TO PROTECT HERSELF BETTER WITH THE GUN.

WE HAD A LITTLE-- WE HAD AN INCIDENT, ACTUALLY.

- AND IT WAS, LIKE, 9:00 ON A SUNDAY NIGHT,

AND WE HAD TWO GUYS WALKING UP OUR DRIVEWAY

COMING STRAIGHT TO US

WITH TWO SHOTGUNS, SKI MASK, ALL IN BLACK.

- THEY NEVER GOT IN-- - THEY DIDN'T GET IN

BECAUSE THIS ONE, FOR SOME REASON, HE'S LIKE,

"LOOK, BABY, THERE'S ROBBERS!

CALL 911! SUSHI, ATTACK!"

AND MY DOG, OUR BOXER, SHE'S TRAINED TO ATTACK.

SHE--WHEN HE GOES, "SUSHI, ATTACK,"

SHE LITERALLY STARTED ATTACKING

AND BROKE THE GLASS WITH HER HEAD.

- MM-HMM. - AND--BUT--

- I THINK THE BOXER SAVED US, BY THE WAY.

- YEAH. - YEAH.

AFTER THAT EXPERIENCE, I BOUGHT MACHETES,

I BOUGHT PEPPER SPRAY, I HAVE BATS BEHIND EVERY CURTAIN.

I'M GONNA BE READY.

- ALL RIGHT. - WAIT, WAIT--

WOW, BABY! - OH, I GOT A--

- BABY, YOU'RE SO HOT. - I GOT AN EAR

OF THE PERPETRATOR. - YOU SAY YOU'VE NEVER HANDLED

A FIREARM OR A HANDGUN BEFORE?

- I DID IT FOR A MOVIE.

- THAT--WE DON'T COUNT FAKE STUFF.

- I DID...

PAM! AND I JUST LOOKED-- - OKAY, FIRST OF ALL--

- BUT EVEN THE GUN WAS FAKE. - DON'T--

POINT THE GUN THAT WAY. - OH. [laughs]

- ALWAYS--THIS IS THE BUSINESS END OF THE GUN.

- [snorts] - YOU KEEP IT THAT WAY

AT ALL TIMES, OKAY?

- OKAY. - OKAY.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

- [laughs] - YEAH.

YOU DON'T DO THAT TO A GUN. - [laughs]

- OKAY, WHERE ARE YOU POINTING THAT?

KEEP IT DOWNRANGE.

PULL THE HAMMER BACK.

OKAY, PUT YOUR FINGER ON THE TRIGGER.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR HAIR.

AND THEN VERY GENTLY SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER.

OKAY. - WHERE DID I SHOOT?

- YOU HIT THE CARDBOARD. - I DON'T LIKE IT.

- YOU'RE CLOSE, YOU'RE CLOSE. - I SUCK.

- OKAY, IT TAKES TIME.

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN OVERNIGHT. - OKAY.

- BUT YOU DIDN'T HIT YOUR TARGET.

- I'M SAD. - STEADY, EVEN PRESSURE

ON THAT TRIGGER.

- NICE. BEAUTIFUL, BABY.

NOW WE'RE TALKING!

NICE. - WHOO!

I LOVE IT. I LIKE DOING IT. - YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU'RE GOOD. YOU'RE GOOD. - I LIKE IT.

IT MAKES ME FEEL REALLY BADASS-Y.

POOM! POOM! POOM! POOM! POOM! - THAT IS IMPRESSIVE.

IS THAT GONNA GO ON THE FRIDGE OR ON EBAY?

- THAT'S--THAT'S GONNA GO MAYBE IN MY CLOSET.

I'VE BEEN TALKING ABOUT DOING THIS SELF DEFENSE FOREVER.

I'M REALLY GONNA SET IT UP.

EVER SINCE GETTING ROBBED, I'VE BEEN WANTING

TO DO A SELF DEFENSE CLASS.

I WANT TO BE PREPARED FOR ANY KIND OF BAD GUY--

OR GIRL, 'CAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW.

SOME CAN BE REALLY MEAN.

- ALL OF THE GIRLS? - YEAH, ALL OF THEM.

I MEAN, THE ONLY ONE THAT I REALLY HAD AN ISSUE BEFORE

WAS WITH BRANDI, BUT SHE APOLOGIZED,

SO WE'RE DONE, SO-- - ALL RIGHT.

- I FEEL LIKE SUCH A BADASS.

[gunshot]

- NOW WHERE ARE WE GOING? - MM. WOW.

- OVER HERE, COME HERE.

- WOW, THERE'S A LOT OF PEOPLE HERE.

SO THIS IS THE WAY BRANDI LIVES.

- [humming]

I'M [bleep] SCARED.

ANY TIME I GET TOGETHER WITH MY MOM AND DAD

OR MY BROTHER AND SISTER, WE TURN INTO KIDS AGAIN.

WE START, LIKE, BICKERING AND ACTING LIKE BRATS,

AND WE'RE JUST EXPECTING TO GET BACKHANDED BY A PARENT.

- HI, HOW ARE YOU? - OH! HI, GIRLS!

- OH, THERE YOU ARE. - COME HERE!

- OH, MY GOSH, LOOK AT THEM! - HI! OH, MY GOD!

- HI. - HI, YOLANDA, HOW ARE YOU?

- HOW ARE YOU? NICE TO MEET YOU. - VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

- YOLANDA'S WITH ME TO FLIRT WITH MY DAD

TO MAKE HIM FALL IN LOVE WITH ME AGAIN.

- HAPPY--AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- HI, NICE TO MEET YOU. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

- SHE WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT SEEING THE GIRLS.

- BEAUTIFUL DRESS. - THANK YOU FOR COMING.

- BRANDI, THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL DRESS.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY. THANK YOU.

- HOW ARE YOU?

HOW ARE YOU DOING? - I'M OKAY.

- OKAY.

- I WAS NOT 100% SURE THAT MY DAD WAS GONNA MAKE IT.

HI!

I'M WORRIED AND I HAVE MIXED EMOTIONS.

I'M SO GLAD THAT MY DAD HAS COME TODAY,

BUT I'M ALSO THINKING, "WHAT AM I GONNA DO

TO [bleep] THIS UP?"

- GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.

WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS GUESTS

TO KICK OFF THIS PRIDE WEEKEND.

WE ARE SO VERY EXCITED TO HAVE SACRAMENTO NATIVE

BRANDI GLANVILLE HERE WITH US TONIGHT.

[cheers and applause]

- THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME. THANK YOU, LOVE.

I WANTED TO SAY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DAD,

WHO'S HERE WITH MY MOM. all: AW!

- I'M GONNA COUNT TO THREE, AND EVERYBODY SAY--

HAS TO SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GUY GLANVILLE."

I'M GONNA--ON THREE, READY? ONE, TWO, THREE.

all: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GUY GLANVILLE.

- I'M EVEN SAYING IT. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

[laughter]

- BEFORE WE GET STARTED, I JUST WANT TO TAKE

ANY QUESTIONS THAT YOU GUYS MIGHT HAVE FOR ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS ARE GONNA ASK ME, BUT--

- I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR EARLY GAYS.

- OH. OH. [laughter]

MY MOM--THEY'RE--THEY HAD-- MY MOM'S NOT GAY.

[laughter]

I--MAYBE SHE IS. I DON'T KNOW.

NO, MY PARENTS' BEST FRIENDS HAD A SON

THAT CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET,

AND THEY KICKED HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE,

AND MY PARENTS GAVE UP THAT FRIENDSHIP

TO MOVE JOSEPH INTO OUR HOUSE

AND LET HIM SLEEP ON OUR COUCH AND LET HIM LIVE WITH US

BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT THAT WAS RIDICULOUS.

[cheers and applause] - WE LOVE YOU, MOM!

- YEAH! [cheers and applause]

- LOVE IS LOVE. IT DOESN'T MATTER.

- WELL, WE'RE DEFINITELY TEAM BRANDI.

- THANK YOU.

[all cheering]

ALL RIGHT, SO AT THIS POINT, I'M GONNA HAVE TO ASK THE GIRLS

TO STEP OUTSIDE. [laughter]

SO WHEN I WENT BACK TO READ THIS BOOK TODAY

TO REMIND MYSELF OF WHAT I WROTE, I WAS LIKE,

"OH, WOW, I'VE COME A LONG WAY FROM THIS."

"MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME THREE SIMPLE TRUTHS IN THIS WORLD

THAT EVERYONE SHOULD RECOGNIZE."

SHE'S NOT GONNA LIKE THIS.

"EVERYBODY HAS BEEN DUMPED, EVERYBODY HAS BAD DAYS,

AND EVERYBODY HATES ANAL." [laughter]

"UNLESS YOU'RE GAY, AND EVEN THEN, IT'S A MAYBE.

THESE ARE TRUTHS, PEOPLE."

"OVER THE LAST FOUR YEARS, I WATCHED MY WORLD EXPLODE

"RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, AND AFTER FOUR DECADES OF LIVING,

"TWO CHILDREN, AND ONE COSTLY DIVORCE,

"I'M THRILLED TO BE MEETING BRANDI,

AND CAN I BE HONEST? I THINK SHE'S AMAZING."

UGH. OH! [crowd members cheering]

- SHE'S GOOD.

- SHE'S A GOOD GIRL. YOU SHOULD BE PROUD OF HER.

[cheers and applause]

- COMING UP...

- I HAD ALL THE POT.

- CUT IT RIGHT THERE.

- LIKE THAT? - YEAH, SO RIGHT NOW--

[squeezed] CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE?

I MEAN, I'M NOT FAKING IT NOW.

- HE'S TAPPING! HE'S TAPPING! [all yelling]

- I'M TAPPING OUT. [all yelling]

- YOU KNOW, AND ONE THING TOO WHEN YOU'RE COOKING,

RELAX, JUST ENJOY IT, 'CAUSE... - RIGHT.

- WE'RE PUTTING ENERGY IN THE FOOD.

PEOPLE FEEL-- WHEN YOU'RE COOKING,

PEOPLE FEEL THE ENERGY, I SWEAR.

MAURICIO, LOOK WHAT YOUR WIFE MADE.

BEAUTIFUL. - OOH!

ARE THEY MEATBALLS? - I WAS GUIDED AND HELPED.

- I KNOW. I'M GIVING YOU THE CREDIT.

- SHABBAT IS ONCE A WEEK FROM FRIDAY TO SATURDAY.

IT'S A TIME TO SLOW DOWN, HAVE DINNERS,

SAY A PRAYER, LIGHT THE CANDLES.

JUST BEING HERE IN MY HOME WITH MY FAMILY,

THAT IS WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME. THAT IS WHAT KEEPS ME GOING.

SEE, MY KIDS ARE IN A JEWISH SCHOOL,

SO THEY CELEBRATE SHABBAT EVERY FRIDAY.

- ARE YOU JEWISH?

- YES, I CONVERTED. I GREW UP CATHOLIC.

ONCE MAURICIO AND I HAD BEEN DATING FOR FOUR MONTHS,

HE CAME TO ME AND TOLD ME THAT HE WAS IN LOVE WITH ME...

I COULD NEVER CUT THEM AS FAST AS YOU.

AND HE ASKED ME THEN, "WOULD YOU CONSIDER CONVERTING?"

AND FOR ME, REALLY, IT WAS A NO-BRAINER,

BECAUSE I LOVED HIM SO MUCH, SO I THOUGHT, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

YES, I WILL, ABSOLUTELY."

- SO I NEED MY PREP CHEF OVER HERE...

- OKAY. - DARLING.

- YES. - WITH YOUR APRON ON.

OH, MY GOD, I LOVE IT. - SO THIS IS MY,

YOU KNOW, NICER ONE.

GROWING UP IN BEVERLY HILLS, ALL MY FRIENDS WERE JEWISH,

AND I REALLY ADMIRED THE TRADITIONS THAT I SAW.

MY MOM WASN'T THRILLED AT FIRST WITH MY CONVERTING,

BUT SHE KNEW THERE WAS NO STOPPING ME.

HI! HOW ARE YOU? - YOU ROLLED THEM.

- SHARON, WHAT'S UP? - MY SISTER IN LAW.

- OH, WOW. MWAH. - HOW ARE YOU?

- I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU? - NICE TO SEE YOU.

- HELLO, HOW ARE YOU? - HELLO. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

- MY BROTHER IN LAW, KENDALL. - KENDALL.

- HOW YOU DOING?

- WHAT'S UP, BROTHER? - I'M DOING WELL.

- SO MICHELLE IS CONVERTING WITH OUR RABBI...

- OH. - AND SHE TELLS ME,

"DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE, LIKE,

OBLIGATED TO HAVE SEX ON SHABBAT?"

SHABBAT SHALOM.

WHY DO YOU THINK I CONVERTED? - WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY--

[laughter]

- HELLO. - HI.

- WELCOME TO DAWSON'S.

- MARCH, MARCH, MARCH. MARCH, MARCH, MARCH.

- GUY, WHY DON'T YOU COME AND SIT NEXT TO ME?

YEAH, PERFECT.

THIS IS YOUR LITTLE GIFT. - OH, MY GOD.

LIKE I SAID, I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO GIVE YOU, BUT THIS--

- YOU DIDN'T NEED TO GIVE ME ANYTHING.

- WELL, I WANTED TO BRING YOU SOMETHING.

SO THESE ARE MUSIC SHOWS THAT YOU CAN WATCH.

- THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- JACKIE EVANCHO? I LOVE JACKIE EVANCHO.

- DO YOU LIKE-- YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS?

OH, MY GOSH. - YOU'RE LUCKY

YOU GOT A BEAUTIFUL BODYGUARD TO PROTECT YOU.

- I KNOW, I-- TRUST ME, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE WITHOUT HER.

- I'M JUST KIDDING, BRANDI.

- YOUR DAD WAS PROUD.

- BRAN, IF THERE'S A SHOT THAT REPRESENTS SACRAMENTO,

WHAT WOULD IT BE?

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, UM...

KAMI--[bleep]--KAZE, BITCH.

- I THINK SACRAMENTO IS WELL REPRESENTED WITH A KAMIKAZE.

- OUR NUMBER ONE DRINK WHEN WE WERE, LIKE, YOUNGER--

LIKE, 17 BY THE WAY?

- WHEN YOU WERE DOING THE BAR SCENE AT 17?

- NO, WE WERE GOING TO THE BARS AT 15, DAD.

- AND WERE YOU GUYS DRINKING?

- YEAH. - OH, YEAH.

- I HAD ALL THE POT, 'CAUSE I STOLE IT FROM--BUT--

- YEAH, WE-- LET'S NOT GO THERE.

- YEAH, EXACTLY, LET'S CHANGE THAT SUBJECT.

- I HAVE FOOT-IN-MOUTH DISEASE. CHANGE THE SUBJECT.

I LOVE YOU. - I KNOW YOU DO.

LET'S--LET'S JUST... CUT IT RIGHT THERE.

- MY FATHER'S, LIKE, ONE OF THE ONLY MEN IN MY LIFE,

AND WHEN I HAVE PROBLEMS WITH MY ROCK,

I KIND OF FALL APART.

- [laughs] SOPHIA, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

- I'M GOING TO PUT SHOES ON TOO. - NO, NO, NO,

YOU KEEP LEAVING, ALL OF YOU.

- WHO WANTS TO DO THE PRAYER OF THE HAMOTZI, THE CHALLAH?

- WHEN I WAS GROWING UP AND I WOULD SEE

MY JEWISH FRIENDS CELEBRATING SHABBAT,

I ALWAYS LOVED SEEING HOW ALL THE FAMILY WOULD COME TOGETHER,

LIGHT THE CANDLES AND SAY PRAYERS.

IT GAVE ME A SENSE OF SECURITY.

- WELL, NOAH AND SOPHIA

ARE HAVING THEIR BAR MITZVAHS THIS YEAR.

SO MUCH FUN. - YAY!

YAY.

AS SOMEONE WHO CONVERTED TO JUDAISM,

I TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY.

HAVING MY DAUGHTER HAVE A BAT MITZVAH

IS SOMETHING THAT IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME,

AND OF COURSE, I LOVE THROWING A PARTY.

- WE THINK WE'RE GONNA DO IT HERE AT THE HOUSE.

- NO, WE--HONEY, NOT "WE THINK." - NO, WE ARE DOING IT HERE.

- WE ARE DOING IT AT THE HOUSE. - WE'RE DOING IT AT THE HOUSE.

- YOU KNOW, WE'RE A LITTLE MORE ORGANIZED THAN YOU REALIZE.

- ALL RIGHT, SO BRING US UP TO DATE.

- A LOT OF PEOPLE FEEL THE NEED TO KEEP UP WITH THE JONESES

WITH THESE OVER-THE-TOP PARTIES.

- OKAY, WE'RE DOING IT AT THE HOUSE, THAT'S ALL--

- WE ALREADY HAVE THE DATE. - YEAH.

- SOPHIA WANTS IT AT THE HOUSE. WE ALREADY KNOW THAT.

- LIKE, ALEXIA'S BAT MITZVAH, I THOUGHT--

I MEAN, WAS THAT AMAZ-- WAS THAT PERFECT?

- YEAH, I LOVED MINE.

- JUST THE OTHER DAY, SHE KIND OF ASKED ME

IF THE BUDGET WAS OKAY FOR THE BAT MITZVAH,

AND I ASKED HER IF I HAD A CHOICE.

- PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN HAVE GOTTEN SO OUT OF CONTROL

WITH THE BAT MITZVAHS AND BAR MITZVAHS, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

IT'S CRAZY. CRAZY.

- CIRCUSES.

- BIG SINGERS, WHERE THEY PAY

A MILLION DOLLARS FOR THEIR APPEARANCE.

- MULTIPLE EVENTS.

- MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR PARTIES.

- RENTING OUT MUSEUMS.

- I'M NOT THROWING A MULTIMILLION-DOLLAR PARTY

FOR SOPHIA, BUT IT WILL BE BEAUTIFUL.

- I'D LIKE MINE TO BE VERY BIG AND EXTRAVAGANT.

- YOU LIKE PURPLE. YOUR ROOM'S PURPLE.

- YOU WANT TO MAKE IT ELEGANT, OR MORE PARTY?

- BOTH.

EVERYONE'S INVITED TO THE PARTY,

BUT NOBODY'S INVITED TO THE SERVICE.

- SO SHE JUST WANTS THE PRESENTS.

SHABBAT SHALOM! THANK YOU, GUYS.

- HEY, WHAT ABOUT ME?

- WE HAVE A LOT OF ISSUES WE GOTTA...

- BUT EVERY--EVERY FAMILY DOES. - I KNOW, YEAH.

- IT'S--YOU KNOW?

MAYBE YOU AND HER SHOULD HAVE A COFFEE,

AND JUST THE TWO OF YOU-- - YEAH, I MEAN, THIS IS

A BIG STEP ALREADY. - YEAH.

- EVEN IF WE-- THIS IS JUST A BIG STEP, AND...

THIS COULD BE ENOUGH FOR RIGHT NOW.

- YEAH. - YOU KNOW.

- UNTIL THE NEXT TIME. - RIGHT.

- YEAH, LET IT SIT FOR A WHILE.

- HERE, DAD. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

- OH, MY.

THANK YOU. - YOU'RE WELCOME.

- I GAVE MY DAD A BIRTHDAY CARD, AND I JUST SAID, BASICALLY,

"I HOPE THAT THINGS WILL GET BETTER."

- IT WILL. IT WILL.

- I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT FOR HER THAT YOU WERE GONNA BE HERE.

- AND I'VE--WE GOTTA GET THIS SORTED OUT. THIS IS--

- I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER MET ANYBODY AS STUBBORN AS YOU.

LIKE, ALL THAT--

- STUBBORN HAS ITS GOOD POSITIVES TOO.

- SHE KNOWS WHAT SHE'S DOING.

- SHE'S HARDHEADED, SO SHE-- - WELL, SHE GOT THAT FROM YOU.

- [laughs] YEAH. - [laughs]

NO MATTER HOW MUCH A CHILD DISAPPOINTS YOU,

AT THE END OF THE DAY, YOU'RE PROUD OF THEM.

YOU LOVE THEM AND YOU'RE PROUD OF THEIR SUCCESS.

I'M LIKE THAT TOO. I GOT IT FROM MY MOM, YOU KNOW?

STUBBORN, BUT YOU KNOW, THAT'S-- - BUT YOU'RE SUCCESSFUL.

- AND SO IS SHE, YOU KNOW? THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN HER

ON TOP OF-- BACK ON TOP OF HER LIFE.

- AND... WELCOME TO OUR ROOM.

- OH, MY GOD, THIS IS AMAZING.

- IS THIS HER PLACE? - COME ON, GIRLS.

- ISN'T IT NICE OUTSIDE?

LOOK AT THAT. - WHOA, LOOKIT! THE LIGHTS.

- LOOK AT THAT, BRANDI.

HOW YOU DOING?

- I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

- [laughs] HI, MY NAME'S GUY.

- CAN I TAKE MY SHOES OFF?

- JUST--JUST-- - MY NAME'S BRANDI.

- JUST KIDDING, SWEETHEART.

- I KNOW. - MWAH.

- STAY HERE AND LET GRANDPA TALK TO BRANDI.

I THINK THEY'RE HAVING A LITTLE MOMENT.

- WHEN MY HOUSE GOT BROKEN INTO, I DIDN'T KNOW WHO TO CALL.

- I'M GLAD I CAME. I CAME FOR YOUR MOM,

AND I'M GLAD I CAME.

AND WE WILL GO FORWARD, OKAY?

AND THE OUTFIT LOOKS REALLY PRETTY.

- OH, YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU, DAD. - I KNOW YOU DO.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD. - THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

- I LOVE YOU. - I KNOW, I LOVE YOU TOO.

- NO MATTER HOW MUCH OF AN ADULT I HAVE TO ACT LIKE,

I'M STILL SOMEBODY'S DAUGHTER. I STILL NEED MY DAD.

- IT WILL GET BETTER.

IT'LL GET BETTER, OKAY?

- [sighs]

THAT WAS... IT WAS IMPORTANT.

IT WAS GOOD.

- COMING UP...

- NOBODY CAN TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY IN THE RING LIKE THIS.

- [grunts] - OH!

[laughter] - OH, YEAH!

- WHOA. GOOD JOB THERE.

- HELLO. HI, ARE YOU TAMARA? - HI. I AM.

- HI, I'M JOYCE. JOYCE. - YOU'RE JOYCE.

NICE TO MEET YOU. HOW ARE YOU? - THANK YOU SO M--

I'M GOOD. HOW ARE YOU DOING? - I'M WELL.

LARS, THIS IS JOYCE. - HI, LARS.

- HI, JOYCE. - HI.

- HI, LARS, NICE TO MEET YOU. - VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

I THINK I'M A NATURAL FIGHTER.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE PROPER TECHNIQUES

TO TAKE ON A 300-POUND MAN.

I WANT YOU GUYS TO TEACH MY GIRLFRIENDS AND I

TO BE EMPOWERED.

I KNOW I CAN JUST PUNCH

AND SCRATCH AND KICK SOME ASS. - YEAH.

- BUT YOU ALWAYS FEEL BETTER IF YOU GO

FOR THE KEY PLACES. - TRUE.

- I NEVER KNEW THAT HOME INVASIONS

WERE AS COMMON AS THEY ARE.

I WANT TO KNOW THAT YOU DON'T JUST NEED A GUN.

YOU CAN DEFEND YOURSELF TOO AS A STRONG WOMAN.

- SO WHAT WE'RE THINKING IS MAYBE DO

A LITTLE BIT ON THE MAT. - YES.

- THAT'S KIND OF--'CAUSE IT'S A SOFTER PADDING FOR THEM.

- UH-HUH. - AND THEN ACTUALLY

MOVE MORE TO THE RING,

AND THAT'S TEACHING A LITTLE BIT OF STRIKING.

I DON'T WANT TO GET TOO TECHNICAL,

BUT I WANT THEM TO STILL FEEL-- LIKE YOU SAID, EMPOWERED,

SO THEY ARE ABLE TO STRIKE IF THEY NEED TO, YOU KNOW?

- HELLO. - IS THIS ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS?

- HI, YES. - HI, I'M BRANDI.

- HI, BRANDI. I'M TAMARA, NICE TO MEET YOU.

- NICE TO MEET YOU. - THIS IS LARS.

- HI, NICE TO SEE YOU, HONEY. - HI, LARS.

NICE TO MEET YOU. - OH, YES, YOU'RE VERY SWEATY.

LET'S NOT HUG. - [laughs]

- JOYCE AND I ARE NOT THE BEST OF FRIENDS.

IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GONNA GO TELL HER

MY DEEP, DARK DAD SECRETS,

BUT YOU KNOW, I'M WILLING

TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE AND PLAY NICE.

- HI, GIRLS. - WATCHES OFF.

- HI! - HI!

HI. HOW ARE YOU? - OH! HOW ARE YOU, HUH?

GIRLS BONDING AND EXERCISING TOGETHER.

- GLAD YOU'RE BACK. HOW WAS YOUR TRIP? GOOD?

- GOOD, HI. - HI, LARS. NICE TO MEET YOU.

- YOLANDA. HOW ARE YOU?

I NEED A LITTLE SELF DEFENSE SOMETIMES.

THE WEEK THAT GIGI WAS BORN,

I WAS NAKED IN MY BEDROOM, BREASTFEEDING,

AND AN INTRUDER CAME INTO THE DOUBLE DOOR

OF MY BEDROOM WITH A GUN.

WE LOOKED FOR A MOMENT, AND HE TURNED AROUND AND RAN,

AND I WENT TO MY MOM'S ROOM, GAVE THE BABY,

THREW ON A SHIRT AND STARTED RUNNING AFTER HIM.

I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I HAD GOTTEN MY HANDS ON THAT GUY,

I WOULD HAVE MADE MASHED POTATO OUT OF HIM, FOR SURE.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT. JAB. THAT'S IT.

UPPERCUT. YOUR HAND. AND THE HOOK. THAT'S IT.

- DON'T COME CLOSE TO MY KIDS, BECAUSE I WILL KILL YOU.

- BAM! - HI.

HI.

I AM VERY, VERY STRONG.

WITH MY...POWER,

IN THIS CLASS, NOBODY'S GONNA MESS WITH ME.

BAM.

- CARLTON! - [squeals and laughs]

LIKE--

- ARE YOU READY? - YES.

- I WANT TO GIVE YOU GUYS A CHANCE TO CHOKE ME.

- HUH?

- TO REALLY SEE HOW EASY IT IS TO CHOKE SOMEONE OUT,

SO YOU UNDERSTAND.

IF YOU GO DOWN ON YOUR KNEES BEHIND ME...

- OKAY. - THAT'S WHAT THEY ALL SAY.

- A FIVE-YEAR-OLD PERSON CAN DO THIS TO AN ADULT.

SAY THAT SOMEONE ATTACKS YOUR HUSBAND,

HE'S IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT, YOU COULD DEFINITELY

JUMP ON THE BACK AND CHOKE THAT PERPETRATOR OUT

IN FOUR, MAYBE FIVE SECONDS.

AND THE MORE HE STRUGGLES, THE FASTER HE WILL GO OUT.

NOW, I'VE NEVER SHOWED THIS TO TAM,

AND YOU'RE GONNA SEE HOW EASY IT IS.

SHE'S JUST GOTTA SQUEEZE THOSE TWO ARMS TOGETHER.

[voice squeezed] HEAR MY VOICE? LOOK AT MY COLOR CHANGING.

AND WHEN I TAP, STOP IMMEDIATELY WHEN I TAP.

I WOULD GO OUT THERE, ABOUT ONE SECOND AWAY FROM GOING OUT.

- I DON'T THINK YOU WANT TO TEACH THESE WOMEN

HOW TO DO THIS.

YOU'RE PUTTING YOURSELF AND ALL OF US IN DANGER NOW.

- HELLO. - SHE'S ENJOYING THIS.

SHE'S ENJOYING THIS. - OH, HOW ARE YOU DOING?

[overlapping chatter]

- LOOK AT YOU, SEX BOMB. - DON'T PULL BACK.

JUST SQUEEZE TOGETHER LIKE A SNAKE.

- WERE YOU TRYING TO GET ATTACKED?

- EXACTLY.

- OH, YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF.

- THAT'S A LOT OF BOOBY FOR A SELF DEFENSE CLASS.

- COME ON. AND WHEN I TAP, LET GO, 'CAUSE YOU WILL KILL ME.

- THAT'S THE PERFECT VIEW. [laughter]

- LIKE THAT? - YEAH, SO RIGHT NOW--

[squeezed] CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE?

I MEAN, I'M NOT FAKING IT NOW. I'M TAPPING OUT.

- WHEN SOMEBODY TAPS, IT'S LIKE, KEEP GOING, RIGHT?

- HE'S TAPPING! HE'S TAPPING! [all yelling]

LET GO. [all yelling]

- OH. [laughter]

I MEAN, IF HE DIDN'T WANT IT,

HE SHOULD'VE PULLED MY HAND AWAY.

- THAT WAS VERY CLOSE TO MY PERFECT ENDING.

[laughs]

- I THINK HE LIKED IT.

- THANK YOU. - SORRY.

[both laughing] - IT'S OKAY.

COMING OUT FROM THE SUPERMARKET, WHEN YOU'RE LEANING OVER

IN THE CAR, YOU OPEN THE DOOR, YOU'RE LEAST EXPECTING ANYTHING,

'CAUSE YOU'RE BUSY PUTTING YOUR FOOD IN

OR WHATEVER IT MIGHT BE, YOU GET A PUSH IN YOUR BACK.

- LISA'S NEVER BEEN TO THE MARKET.

[laughter]

- WHERE IS IT? CAN YOU GIVE ME DIRECTIONS?

- I ALWAYS HEARD, YOU KNOW, KICK HIM IN THE BALLS.

- AND I WOULD NOT PUNCH ON THE NUTS.

I WOULD GRAB THE NUTS AS HARD AS I CAN...

- RIP THEM OFF. - AND JUST CRUSH.

- TWIST 'EM OFF. - BECAUSE WHEN YOU PUNCH

SOMETHING, I DON'T FEEL-- NOW, I FEEL THE PAIN,

BUT IT'S COMING SLOWLY.

YOU GRAB SOMETHING, YOU INCREASE THE PAIN--

- CAN WE TRY? [laughter]

- I KNEW THIS IS GONNA GO THERE, BUT--

ALL RIGHT, SO YOU WANT TO DO A LITTLE BIT OF BOXING?

SHOULD WE GO IN THE RING A LITTLE BIT?

- YOU GUYS READY?

- JAB, UPPERCUT, HOOK, AND CROSS.

YOU DO IT RIGHT, THE FOURTH PUNCH

IS GONNA BE THE MOST POWERFUL.

SO...ONE, HUH, HUH, HUH!

THAT'S THE KILLER.

- JAB, JAB. - SOMEONE WANTS TO STEP IN

AND TRY? - I WANT TO FIGHT LARS.

I'D BE LYING IF I SAID I'D NEVER BEEN IN A FIGHT.

- BLOCK THE BODY SHOTS.

- I'M NOT GOING FOR HIS NUTS. - OKAY.

WELL, YOU SHOULD. - [laughs]

THE LAST PHYSICAL FIGHT I WAS INVOLVED IN,

I WAS IN A GYM, AND THIS WOMAN BUMPED INTO ME.

- THAT'S IT!

- AND THIS WOMAN IS LITERALLY RUNNING AT ME

WITH HER ARMS SWINGING LIKE A BLOODY WINDMILL.

- HERE WE GO.

- AND I BOPPED HER IN THE FACE.

BUT I DO NOT LIKE VIOLENCE. I REALLY DON'T.

- [grunts] AND NOW, WE'RE GONNA GO THE SECOND HAND.

WE'RE GONNA GO UPPERCUT. - I THINK I BROKE A NAIL.

[laughs]

- I THINK IF I RAN ACROSS CARLTON IN A DARK ALLEY,

I WOULDN'T BE SITTING HERE RIGHT NOW.

- THAT'S IT. WORK WITH THE PADS HERE.

AND AGAIN. - OKAY. [laughs]

I DO HAVE A LOT OF STRENGTH,

AND I DO PACK A GOOD [bleep] PUNCH.

[cheers and applause]

- YOU SEE, LIKE--IT'S, LIKE, SMOKE COMING OUT OF THERE.

ONE MORE, ONE MORE.

- NOBODY CAN TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY IN THE RING LIKE THIS.

[laughs] - OKAY.

- OKAY, AND THE GLOVES ARE OFF. - ALL RIGHT.

- GIVE ME THE BIG DIAMOND.

- YOU GO TO YOUR CORNER. YOU GUYS BEHAVE.

[bell dings] [laughter]

OKAY, READY?

[laughter]

- SHE'S GONNA KILL YOU WITH THE BOOBIES.

- WHAT DO THEY WANT ME TO COME IN, LIKE, A BALL GOWN?

WHOOP-DEE-DO! - RIGHT HERE.

- COME ON. - OH!

[laughter] - OH, YES! YES!

- HE SEEMED A LITTLE DISTRACTED.

- AND THE CROWD GOES WILD!

[all cheering]

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S PAIR UP A LITTLE BIT.

- OUCH! [bleep]! KIM!

OH, STOP! [laughs]

WAIT, EW! SMELL MY HAND.

- EW. - SMELL IT.

- SO WHO BEATS WHO?

WHO WOULD WIN IF YOU GUYS WENT AT IT?

- WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,

MY SISTER WOULD, LIKE, HOLD ME DOWN.

- "OH, MY GOD, THIS IS WHAT SHE USED TO DO AS A CHILD."

- DANGLE THINGS AND TICKLE ME AND STUFF.

- GET BACK. GET BACK.

- I WAS THE BITER. SHE WAS THE SCRATCHER.

- UPPERCUT.

GOTTA PROTECT MYSELF WITH THIS GIRL.

- [laughs] - WHAT'S MY NAME?

- ROLLING STONE.

- MINE'S BIGGER THAN YOURS. [laughs]

- NOT A CHANCE, BABY. - [laughs]

- KIM VERSUS KYLE?

I FEEL LIKE THEY'D JUST GO TO THE DEATH.

[chuckles] I DON'T KNOW WHO WOULD WIN.

- KICK HER ASS BEFORE SHE KICKS YOUR ASS.

- I WILL. - KIM, DO NOT KICK ME

IN THE PENIS, IT HURTS. - OH.

- THAT'S NOT MY PROBLEM.

[bell dings] - ALL RIGHT.

- YEAH. - OH, WAIT, WE'RE--

- OH, SEE, THIS IS WHAT SHE DID WHEN WE WERE LITTLE.

IT'S SO ANNOYING! - OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!

- OH! - YOU'VE GOT HER, KIM.

- GO, KYLE!

- OOH. - GET OUT OF THE CORNER!

- OH! GET OUT OF--

- HEY! LOOK WHAT SHE'S DOING TO ME!

[shouts] - ON THE GROUND.

- THIS IS THE SIDE YOU DON'T SEE.

- ON THE GROUND. - THIS IS THE KIM--

- YES. - NICE!

- EIGHT, NINE, TEN. - YOU'RE SUCH-

[laughter]

- YEAH, KIM! [laughs]

- [screams]

- [grunts] - OH, MY GOD!

OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! - [panting]

- I LET YOU HAVE THAT. - AND...TIME.

- KYLE WOUND UP ON TOP. IT'S KIND OF INTERESTING

IF YOU LOOK AT LIFE IN GENERAL FOR THEM.

- SHE JUST NEEDS TO KNOW WHO'S THE BOSS.

- JUST ANOTHER DAY IN THE RICHARDS SISTER HOUSEHOLD.

- WE'RE GONNA GO ONE FOR THE JAB...

BAM, AND THEN BAM. - SO ONE, TWO...

- THEN YOU GOTTA STEP IN--

THAT'S IT.

HUH, HUH, AND THEN-- THAT'S IT.

- [screams] - GOOD.

[women cheering] - GO, B!

- SECOND TIME. SO ONE, TWO--

AH, AH. AH. [chuckles]

- I WANT TO HIT YOU IN THE FACE. - I KNOW YOU DO.

GO ON, HIT ME IN THE FACE. - HOLD ON, MY HAIR.

[gasps] all: OH!

OH. - OH, BRAN.

- IT'S OKAY. - OH. NO, I HUR--I--HE--

I HIT HIS HEAD. - I HEARD THE SOUND.

- I DIDN'T WANT TO BE, LIKE, ONE OF THE WHINEY BRATS,

BUT MY HAND IS KILLING ME.

I'M DONE. I FEEL BAD.

I JUST FELT YOUR BONE IN YOUR HEAD,

AND I FELT BAD. - YEAH.

- OH, MY GOD, I'M GONNA DIE.

- WOW.

- TO SUM IT UP, YOU JUST HAVE TO DARE TO ENGAGE,

AND YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY PRACTICE THAT TO DARE THAT.

IT'S A VERY UNNATURAL THING TO DO.

- STOPPING RIGHT THERE, I WANT YOU TO BE A LITTLE BIT AWARE,

AND I HOPE--THAT'S THE MESSAGE THAT I HOPE I CAN BRING ACROSS.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING HERE.

[cheers and applause] FROM TAMARA, FORTUNE GYM,

ALL OF US. - THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

- JOYCE, THANK YOU SO MUCH. WHAT A GREAT DAY.

- I'M GLAD YOU GUYS HAD FUN. - OH, MY GOD.

- THIS IS THE FIRST TIME WE'RE TOGETHER

AND FIGHTING IS INVOLVED, BUT WE'RE ALL LEAVING HAPPY,

SO I THINK IT WAS A GOOD DAY.

- GIRLS, THANK YOU FOR COMING. I HOPE YOU HAD FUN.

- FUN, FUN. - THANK YOU, JOYCE.

LET'S GO GET SOMETHING TO EAT. - OKAY.

- I MEAN, I HAVE TO GO ALL STINKY AND SWEATY, BUT OH, WELL.

- MY HAND'S SWELLING NOW. WE'RE ALL HURT.

THIS YEAR HAS BEEN A REALLY ROCKY ROAD FOR ME.

EVERY GOOD THING THAT HAPPENS, SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS.

MY DAD AND I ARE GOOD, I BREAK MY HAND.

IT'S PAR FOR THE COURSE.

- YOU THINK YOU REALLY HURT YOUR HAND? SERIOUSLY?

- WELL, I MEAN, IT DIDN'T HURT AT THE TIME,

BUT NOW IT'S HURTING, YES.

IT HAPPENED... [imitates punching] LIKE THAT.

I JUST THREW IT.

OW, THAT HURT MY HAND. [laughs]

- YOU THINK YOU'VE BROKEN IT? - I DON'T KNOW.

- COMING UP...

- WHAT IS THAT? - FOR ME?

- YEAH. - OH, THANK YOU.

- [British accent] WHERE'S MY CARD?

- I'M GONNA KICK YOUR LITTLE ASS.

- YOLANDA...

- AH!

- I THINK SHE'S A LITTLE FREAKY.

- OKAY, YOU CHOKE, I WHIP. - YES, DONE.

- [laughs] - THIS IS A SELF DEFENSE CLASS,

NOT A SEX ED CLASS. - IT'S--OH.

ALL RIGHT.

HIYA! HUH!

- I BET YOU LIKE THIS, YOLANDA. [laughs]

- SHH. YOU BETTER BE NICE,

BECAUSE I'M GOING TO REALLY DO IT.

- I DON'T THINK I'LL PRACTICE MY CHOKING WITH YOLANDA.

I THINK I'LL PASS. IT'S NOT FOR ME.

- WHOO! - CHOKE HIM OUT!

- TOO TIGHT ON HIS NECK, YOLANDA.

- HE TAUGHT ME HOW TO DO THIS. HE SAID--

- NO, STOP! NO! THAT'S TOO TIGHT, YOLANDA.

- STRONGER, STRONG-- MORE, MORE, MORE.

TAP, TAP, MORE, MORE.

- TAP, TAP. - [screams]

- I THINK I ALMOST STRANGLED HIM.

WAS IT GOOD? - THAT WAS ACTUALLY PERFECT.

- I DON'T THINK YOLANDA UNDERSTANDS

THE MEANING OF "SAFE WORD."

UH, UH.

- TAP, TAP, MORE, MORE.

- I'M FINE. - [laughs] COME ON.

LET'S GO, YEAH.

- SERIOUSLY, IF YOU'VE REALLY HURT YOUR HAND,

WE SHOULD GO AND CHECK IT OUT.

- I--BABE, I'M FINE. - HUH? WHAT?

REALLY? WHY HAVE YOU GOT AN ICE PACK AROUND IT THEN?

- BECAUSE I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT THE SWELLING GOES DOWN.

- IT IS SWOLLEN.

- I'M FINE. - IT'S NOT FINE.

- YOU GUYS, I'M A BIG GIRL. - ARE YOU SURE?

- I PROMISE.

LISA MOTHERS ME SO MUCH, AND I KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME.

I ALREADY HAVE A MOTHER, AND SHE DOESN'T NAG ME, EVER.

- I HAVE THIS FOR YOU. IT'S A LITTLE--LITTLE--

JUST A LITTLE-- - FOR ME?

- YEAH. - OH, THANK YOU.

- [British accent] WHERE'S MY CARD?

- "I'M NOT REALLY A BITCH, I JUST PLAY ONE IN YOUR LIFE."

[laughter]

- I SEE YOU'RE TRYING TO COZY UP TO BRANDI NOW.

- [laughs]

I KNOW SHE'S HAD A ROUGH MONTH,

BETWEEN LOSING HER DOG AND SOME OTHER PERSONAL ISSUES,

AND I WANTED TO LET HER KNOW I AM REALLY A FRIEND,

AND THAT IF SHE NEEDS ME, I'M HERE.

- THANK YOU, THAT'S VERY SWEET.

- OH, WELL, THAT'S THE FIRST LIE FOR A START.

- [laughs]

OH, SORRY, LISA, COULD YOU MOVE? - AY-YI-YI.

- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA HAVE? - HEY.

- I DON'T KNOW. - WHAT ABOUT A BEER?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO EAT, ARE WE? I'VE GOT TO GO SOON.

- I HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING. - OH, IF YOU--

CAN'T YOU JUST... - RELAX?

- NOT SAY THAT AND JUST HAVE SOME FOOD AND DRINK

WITHOUT SAYING THAT?

"I HAVE TO WORK. I'M BUSY.

I HAVE TO WORK. I'M BUSY."

- NO, BUT UNFORTUNATELY...

- SO AM I. WE ALL ARE.

WE GET IT, YOU'RE BUSY.

WE'RE ALL SITTING AROUND ON OUR ASS EATING BONBONS.

- ANYWAY, CHEERS.

- WELL, SHE DOESN'T HAVE HERS YET,

SO WE'LL WAIT, WE'LL WAIT.

- WE'RE NOT. WE'RE DESPERATE.

- OH, MY GOD. WELL, I WANTED TO WAIT FOR YOU.

- NO, IT'S FINE. - IT'S ALL ABOUT LISA.

- RAWR!

YOU GUYS ARE REALLY COMPETITIVE WITH EACH OTHER.

I FEEL LIKE THERE--

LIKE YOU GUYS THINK THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE QUEEN.

- I-I-- - NO, THAT'S SILLY.

- THANK YOU. - WE'RE GOOD, AND THAT'S IT.

AREN'T WE? OH, STOP IT.

- NO, I-- - LOOK HOW TENTATIVE YOU ARE.

- NO, I'M NOT. WE ARE GOOD.

- I LIKE YOU GUYS TOGETHER. - WE'RE GOOD.

- AND IF WE'RE NOT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- IF WE'RE NOT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

- OH, HELLO. IT'S NOT JUST ON YOUR TERMS.

IF WE'RE NOT, I'LL LET YOU KNOW.

- OKAY--OOH! LAST WORD.

- DO YOU THINK WE SHOULD HAVE SOMEONE LOOK AT HER HAND?

'CAUSE I'M FEELING GUILTY.

- SHE WON'T--ANYTHING I TELL HER TO DO, SHE WON'T LISTEN.

- 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE TOLD WHAT TO DO.

- I DON'T CARE.

IF IT'S BROKEN, YOU NEED TO GET IT SEEN TO.

- I'M GONNA GO HOME, I'M GONNA WRAP IT,

AND I'M GONNA CHILL WITH THE KIDS.

- WHAT'S WRAPPING IT-- I'M TELLING YOU,

IF YOUR HAND'S BROKEN, YOU NEED TO HAVE IT FIXED.

- IT'S FRACTURED. WE'RE GOOD.

- YEAH, NO, IT'S NOT GOOD.

I CANNOT LET THAT GO

BECAUSE SHE'S NOT MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION ABOUT THIS.

I DON'T THINK IT IS MOTHERING HER.

MAYBE THAT'S ME. I DON'T KNOW.

I CARE ABOUT EVERYBODY THAT'S IMPORTANT IN MY LIFE, SORRY.

- SHE'LL TAKE CARE OF IT. SHE'S A BIG GIRL.

- I'M FINE. - BUT YOU ALWAYS SAY THAT.

- I'M FINE. - YOU ALWAYS SAY YOU'RE FINE,

AND SOMETIMES YOU'RE NOT.

- YOU KNOW, SHE'S ALWAYS MOMMYING ME.

IT'S, LIKE, A LITTLE OVERBEARING.

LISA LIKES TO POINT OUT MY WEAKNESSES A LOT

TO REMIND ME THAT SHE'S STRONGER THAN ME.

I'M FINE RIGHT NOW.

- "I'M FINE" DOESN'T WORK WITH ME.

- I'M FINE.

- LISA.

NEXT TIME ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- WHEN YOU HAVE A PARTY, DO IT RIGHT.

- UNO! DOS! TRES!

WHOO!

- CAN I JUST PEEK AT THAT? - YEAH, IT'S NOT DONE--

- IS THAT A JEWISH STAR?

- REALLY? - WAIT A MINUTE.

- ARE YOU [bleep] KIDDING ME?

- WHAT ARE WEREPUPPIES? - YOU WANT TO HOLD HIM?

- OKAY.

[squeals]

- SPELLS ONLY GET TO YOU IF YOU BELIEVE IN IT.

- WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? [bleep] YOU.

WHEN YOU GO HOME TONIGHT, WATCH OUT.

- TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,

GO TO BRAVOTV.COM