Original subtitles

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Man ] No one can ever say that our last episode was a total loss.

For as you remember, we learned beyond a doubt--

- [ Typing ] - that Bullwinkle really takes the cake...

when it comes to baking a cake.

What do you mean, where are the onions?

I thought you were baking a cake, Bullwinkle.

Well, pity sakes, I am, but-- [ Continues, Indistinct ]

- You put onions in a cake? - [ Bullwinkle, Indistinct ]

No. And we're out of onions.

You used the last one on your corn flakes this morning.

- Darn! - [ Typing Continues ]

- [ Laughs ] - [ Man Laughing ]

Kid, this stuff is funny.

Funny, funny, funny, funny, funny!

The only thing is, it ain't "chicken" funny.

- But, Mr. Marvin-- - I got an image, kid, see?

I gotta be careful about my material.

Mr. Marvin, your ex-wife. She wants the poodle for Sunday.

Her poodle day is Saturday. She knows that. Negative!

Mr. Marvin, I know I could have some chicken-funny jokes...

- by next week, if you could just advance-- - Next week? Next week?

Kid, in this biz you gotta be faster than that.

Mr. Marvin, your analyst called. Wants to cancel today's session.

- Why? - He's too depressed!

- [ Laughs ] - Get outta here, you moron. [ Groans ]

kid, let me give you some advice.

You're gonna have a lot of doors slam in your face.

You gotta stick with it.

Persevere. Don't take no from anybody.

- Then you'll use my stuff? - No.

- [ People Laughing On TV ] - [ Man On TV ] Countersign: Salt Lake City.

Come on in, 99. The door is open.

- [ People Laughing ] - Hey, Max.

99, what are you doing here? It's after 10:00.

Oh, I was restless and I thought I'd take a walk.

[ Man, Lower Volume ] You should be careful. It's not safe for a girl--

- [ Tape Rewinds ] - [ Man ] This is Herb from the Eagle Finance Company.

This is positively your last warning.

- It's called pay up or pick up. - [ Tape Rewinds ]

[ Woman ] Billy, this is Mama.

Are you eatin' good?

You eatin' your vegetables?

- Are you takin' your vitamins? - [ Tape Rewinds ]

[ Woman ] Billy, this is Mrs. Luthaker, your landlady.

Remember me? You know, the witch!

Either you pay your rent by Wednesday...

or your butt's on the sidewalk.

And turn that TV off!

It's on night and day. You--

- [ Stops ] - [ Sighs ]

Suppertime.

You're lucky I'm not a vegetarian.

Otherwise, I might eat you.

[ Phone Rings ]

- Hello? - Billy Burliss?

[ Laughing ] Hey, hey!

It's a pleasure to speak to a man with talent.

This is Dick Castel over at Easy Come, Easy Go.

I was just cleaning out my desk when I came across your script.

Funny, guy. Very funny.

Listen, Billy, one of our writers was just committed,

and we need to find a replacement pronto.

Have you got a sample three-camera, family-hour sitcom script I could read?

Uh, no, not really.

Too bad, babe. We make our decision tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Okay. I'll write one tonight.

Tonight? In one night?

In 23 years I've never--

Just give me a chance. I'm sure I can do it.

I'll see you first thing tomorrow morning.

- Ciao, dude. - Ciao.

Yeah!

Yes!

Ahh!

High five, Louie!

?? [ Scatting ]

Billy Burliss has done it again, folks.

[ Shouts ]

?? [ Scatting ]

Mrs. Luthaker, you'll get your rent.

Witch!

?? [ Scatting ]

?? [ Imitates Guitar ]

?? [ Scatting ] Billy Burliss.

Yeah!

[ Slow Typing ]

[ Sighs ] Face it, Billy. You're too slow.

Too slow.

You haven't even finished the first half of the first act.

He's right.

A sitcom can't be written in one night.

Not by me, anyway.

[ Sighs ]

Sent by special messenger, no less.

Hey. I haven't forgotten a birthday or an anniversary, have I?

- Of course not. I wouldn't let you. - [ Sighs ]

[ People Laughing ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Line Ringing ]

- [ Woman ] Easy Come, Easy Go. - Hello.

Um, Mr. Dick Castel please.

Uh, Billy Burliss calling.

[ Castel ] Yo, Billy.

Uh, hello, um, Mr. Castel.

Uh, I-I won't be coming by today.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, guy.

Yeah, well, I guess I'm just not--

Billy? Hey, Billy, are you there?

Billy?

Hey, my man. Billy?

Are you there?

Hello? Hello?

Hello.

This is good.

[ Laughs ]

[ Laughing ]

As a matter of fact, it's great. And so fast.

I never heard of a script being written so fast.

- You? - Me?

- Yeah. - Never.

Kid, you're a genius.

I have a script here that needs a total rewrite.

We start shooting first thing in the morning.

For you-- [ Laughing ] it should be a breeze.

I'm in love with a girl named Thalia Menninger.

A beautiful girl, a fine girl.

The only trouble is she likes money.

- Who's there? - Now she's not a gold digger, mind you.

No, no. She's just kind of greedy,

grasping, avaricious, mean, selfish, miserly.

Fine girl, you understand. Wonderful girl.

Whoever you are, you can come out now.

Unfortunately, I haven't got money.

What I've got is love. Boy, have I got love.

I really liked the stuff. I did.

Do you think Thalia's impressed?

No, she keeps making eyes at Milton Armitage.

[ Sighs ]

Some piece of cake.

[ Whispering ] What am I gonna do?

Drat!

Where's the blot-out?

- Thanks. - [ Rattling ]

Aaah!

[ Groans ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Billy ] "Plague,

plane,

plankton, plants."

"Clerodendrum receptivus.

Rapid dragon vine.

Common variety of leafy floral...

that requires little water, but inordinate amounts of sunlight."

Sunlight?

But you don't get any sunlight.

The only light you get is from--

[ TV Audience Laughs ]

[ Applause ]

I don't believe this.

[ Man ] The painter's almost finished the mantel.

Almost finished? Almost finished?

It is finished. That's it!

He likes it that way.

He thinks it's a work of art.

He's even signed the darn thing.

[ Man ] So think of it as a conversation piece.

[ Laughter Continues ]

Billy Burliss. Barry Wernick, Associated Agents.

- Uh, bu-- - Shh, shh, shh. Don't talk. Save it for a script.

If you're as fast as they say,

I'm gonna have you the hottest writer in town.

- But-- But I-- - Oh, work with me, Billy, will ya?

[ Laughing ]

I knew that last punch was gonna work.

I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I knew it.

...because she always invites your ex-boyfriends to dinner.

That's it. Yeah.

[ Billy ] Yeah.

But I like this color. I've gotten used to it.

But, honey love, you're color blind!

There. Ahh.

A little more room to wiggle your toes in.

And how do you like the new TV?

Color. Color. [ Chuckles ]

Well, pal, I owe it all to you.

I couldn't have done it without you.

You know, you're my best friend.

Look, I was thinkin'.

You need a name.

Maybe something distinguishing like...

F. Scott Philodendron.

Okay. Okay.

What about uh, Leaf Ericson?

Andy Devine?

What would you like?

Well, I'll be.

Lucy.

[ Man ] How about that, folks?

Is that entertainment or what?

Come on, let's put our hands together...

and hear it for the funniest show on TV,

Easy Come, Easy Go.

[ Billy ] Change the channel. Change the channel.

- Hi, neighbor. - This is it. This is it.

- Turn it up. Turn it up. - [ Man ] Welcome to Easy Come--

- [ Woman ] Easy Go. - Don't drink so fast.

- [ Woman, Indistinct ] - The timing on this joke right here was all wrong.

Now this next joke, this works.

[ Laughing ]

[ Man ] I don't know if I can do that.

[ Woman ] You guys'll have to carry it.

Billy. Billy.

Billy, my man! There he is!

We were in the neighborhood and just had to drop by and say hello.

[ Laughing ]

These are my pals. Georgio.

[ Georgio ] You are a genius. A genius!

- [ Wernick ] That's Oliver. - [ Man ] Very pleased.

[ Wernick ] And last-- [ Laughs ] but certainly not least, Tina.

Oh, we're so happy for you, Billy.

Uh, it was really nice of you guys to drop by,

but I have a awful lot of work to do.

Kid, enough.

All work and no play?

I think it's time to party.

- [ Tina ] We're dying to corrupt you, Billy. - He'll come around.

[ Wernick ] Listen to her, kid. She can do it.

- [ Whispering ] Lucy, stop it. - [ Tina Giggles ]

These are party people.

Uh, I'd really like to--

- Okay. - [ Wernick ] All right. Yeah!

Where are you taking that cute plant?

Uh, it needs air.

[ Tina ] Air?

- [ Wernick ] Oh, Billy, come on. - Would you stop?

These are my friends too. I'm just gonna party a little bit.

[ Wernick ] Are you okay out there? Or what's the problem?

- I'll be right there. - [ Tina ] Okay.

[ Georgio ] Party!

Lucy, would you stop? Would you stop?

Why are you acting this way? Why?

These are my friends too. It's just a dance.

We're just gonna party for a little bit. Lucy--

Would you-- Will you stop?

I'll be right back.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Guests Chattering ]

[ Billy ] I'm ready.

[ Oliver ] There he is. There's the guy. Yeah!

- Let's go. - [ Billy ] Let's go. Party!

- [ Wernick ] Come on, Georgio. - [ Georgio ] S�, s�, s�.

[ Door Shuts ]

[ Cat Mewing ]

[ Pot Shatters ]

[ Mewing Continues ]

[ Man On TV ] I'm gonna handle this.

Toody'll wind up organizing a committee for it.

Yes, sir.

[ Groans ]

[ Spits ]

Party.

[ Groans ]

Time to wake up, Lucy.

[ Groaning ]

We're under contract to half the city.

Lucy?

It hurt me.

[ Sighs ]

[ Vehicle Rumbling ]

[ Crunching ]

Lucy!

[ Chattering ]

- [ Indistinct ] - [ Laughing ]

- Who is on first. - What are you asking me for? I'm--

[ Indistinct ]

What's the guy's name on first base?

- What's on second! - I'm not asking you--

We were a great team, weren't we?

You know, Lucy, I never realized how much fun we had together--

writing scripts, watching TV.

You were special.

You were my friend.

You even tried to warn me about life in the fast lane,

how it would change me.

And what did I do?

I ignored you.

[ Sighs ] Well, I better get back now,

try to go on.

Maybe something good'll crop up.

Lucy?

Lucy?

Lucy!

Yes, we're scheduled for 13 weeks following the pilot.

[ Chuckles ] No, we're no longer-- [ Continues, Indistinct ]

...Mr. Burliss. Those letters were completed this morning.

The scripts are being sent out now.

As you requested, I declined the European junket.

I sent regrets for the gala premiere,

and frankly, Mr. Burliss, maybe getting out of the house...

for one of these events wouldn't be a bad idea.

Okay, girls, let's hurry up!

I Love Lucy reruns tonight!

Lucy Mae, let's do it.

Lucy Lee, Lucy Ellen-- I loved the rewrites.

Loved it!

What have you got for me, Lucy Alice?

[ Laughing ]

I love this! I love this!

"I'm not the pizza boy. I'm not the pizza boy."

I love it. I love-- This is timing.

Look at this. This is timing.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Let's work.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Woman ] Billy!

Billy!

There you are!

Where do you think you're going?

- [ Billy ] Out. - Out where?

- Outside! - Have you done something around the house?

- It's Saturday! - And on Saturdays,

you have to help around the house before you can go out.

The rug needs vacuuming. You can vacuum the rug.

Mom!

The vacuum's in the closet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

[ Door Closes ]

I don't know why I put up with this stuff.

Chip Bunster doesn't have to vacuum.

Mike Wilmot doesn't have to vacuum.

Oh, vacuuming makes me barf.

Where's the stupid vacuum cleaner anyway?

[ Items Rattling ]

[ Vacuum Whirring ]

[ Yelps ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Vacuum Stops ]

- [ Cheering On TV ] - [ Man On TV ] Would you look at that?

[ Whirring ]

[ Man On TV Continues, Indistinct ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Man On TV ] ...with the Wombats.

Running, passing, I, for one am really surprised at this game.

- Those Wombats just creamed their last opponent. - [ Toots ]

But today's another story.

[ Sniffs ]

Well, the Wombats have looked better, that's for sure.

- [ Sniffs ] - In fact, I think this qualifies as...

one of the biggest blowouts in the season.

- Who'd have thunk it? 37 to three and-- - Bad dog.

Bad dog! Bad, bad boy.

I don't know what it is, Ernie. Maybe his diet. I don't know.

[ Man On TV ] Mmm, boy.

Tender, beefy chunks.

Just about the best meal your dog could ever want.

There's nothin' quite like meat by-products...

to satisfy those canine cravings.

Right, King?

[ Dishes Clattering ]

[ Small Bark ]

[ Water Running ]

Oh, all right, you want your food?

I'll get your food! Why not?

It seems to be the sole reason for my existence on this planet lately.

Feed the dog, feed the cats, do the dishes,

wash the clothes, iron the clothes!

Do I have dreams? Do I have aspirations?

No, but I have a toilet bowl that's springtime fresh,

and I'm pleased as punch to be a short-order cook to a dog!

So, here!

Oh, no, you don't. Not today, buster.

You wanted food, and I gave it to you, and now you're gonna eat it.

- [ Grunts ] - So, eat it.

Eat it!

[ Calmly ] That's better.

[ Groaning ]

Bleh.

Lainey Lou says, "Where's my baby?"

Where's Mary Ann?

Where's Mary Ann? Where is Mary Ann?

There she is! [ Giggles ]

Hello, Mary Ann.

Was you a good baby?

You need some panties and shoes and... and your coat.

And-- It's raining outside...

and you need you... jammies.

All you need is your... underpants!

[ Growling ]

[ Cries ]

Daddy! Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!

Dog tried to bite me! The dog tried to bite me!

Dog tried to bite me!

Uh, look, I'm trying to watch the game, sweetheart.

The dog tried to bite me with his teeth! His teeth!

With his teeth, Daddy!

[ Mother Screams ]

[ Scratching ]

Mommy! The dog-- The dog tried to bite me!

Just look at what that dog of yours did to my favorite slippers.

Well, it's that cheap damn dog food you buy him. Gives him gas.

[ Mom ] What makes you think it's cheap?

[ Dad ] What do you mean "that dog of yours," huh?

- It was your idea to get him. - I finished vacuuming.

- Can I go outside now? - Oh, no, you're not pinning this one on me!

- Mom. - What do you mean?

- You said, "Honey, we should get a dog." - I finished vacuuming.

I wanna go outside.

- [ Billy ] Now! - [ Dad ] I know. I know.

[ Mom ] I wanted something low-maintenance, like a cat.

[ Shouting Overlapping ]

[ Dad ] A cat is not low-maintenance.

- [ Arguing Continues ] - Dog tried to bite me!

- I'm done. - Thank you so much--

[ Shouting Overlapping ]

[ Urinating ]

He's whizzin' on the carpet, Dad.

[ Man On TV ] Intercept... and it's a beautiful punt.

Right through. And it's a touchback!

[ Sighs ]

[ Girl ] A space movie?

[ Mom ] No, honey. Uncle Bud's movies of last Christmas.

- Is it Christmas now? - No, honey, it's no--

[ Dad ] Hey, look. Can we just watch the movie?

Please? Hmm?

- [ Billy ] Howdy, folks. - [ Girl ] That's me, mommy.

- That's right, honey. - [ Girl ] That's me in this movie!

[ Mom ] That's-- That's right, honey.

That's me up there in the movie!

[ Mom Flatly ] Okay, honey.

- [ Dad ] Oh, geez, would you look at that dog? - [ Billy Speaking Gibberish ]

- Stupid dog. - [ Billy Growling ]

[ Billy Making Gibberish Noises ]

- [ Billy Chuckles ] - [ Mom ] That was a mistake.

[ Buffy ] Can I get a soda, Mama?

[ Mom ] You just had a soda, sweetheart.

[ Buffy ] Can I get a soda, Daddy?

[ Dad ] You just had a soda, honey.

- I want a soda. - [ Parents ] After the movie, honey!

[ Billy Makes Vibrating Noise ]

[ Dad ] Hey, boy. Look. Look, that's you up there.

That's you up there, uh, dog.

- [ Imitating Chain Saw ] - [ Mom ] That was a mistake too.

Oh, no. Oh, please. Stop the projector.

- [ Dad ] No. No, this is good. - Turn it off now, Skip.

[ Dad ] Hey, come on. Please, Bev.

- [ Buffy ] Ooh, baby. - [ Billy ] Whoa.

[ Dad ] Oh, come on. It's a good present.

[ Billy ] He cannot be stopped!

[ Mom ] Next year, we're getting him a book.

- [ Billy ] Oh, geez. - [ Mom ] Oh, look.

- You look nice. - [ Billy ] I look stupid.

[ Buffy ] I say, "Hello there."

[ Dad ] You've worn it a few times since then, I notice.

- [ Mom ] Skip. - [ Children Giggle ]

- [ Dad ] Oh, yeah. Remember that? - [ Mom ] Mmm.

[ Dad ] Bad dog.

We had to go out for pizza, remember?

[ Mom ] Pizza for Christmas dinner.

- [ Dad ] It was a... good pizza. - [ Projector Rattles ]

[ Buffy ] We saw a movie of a-- of a movie of a movie...

with a wolf in it-- with a wolf in it,

and-and it got the bunny.

And the wolf got a money-- I mean, a bunny.

[ Dad ] Oh, the wolf ate the bunny, huh?

Yes, it was dead.

- [ Giggles ] - [ Billy ] Buffy!

Uh-oh. Man the pumps.

You stupid dumbhead "nong-nong."

Every night she does this!

Billy, what did I say about yelling at the table? Hmm?

I wouldn't have to yell...

if she wasn't such a stupid, klutzoid, dumbhead "nong-nong"!

- Something new! - What's that?

A recipe I found in Suburban Paradise Magazine.

Tater pops and cheese whip.

Enjoy.

[ Dad ] Mmm, boy.

[ Gags ]

Uh, we're finished out here, honey.

What do you say we all go out for dessert and a movie, huh?

Finished? You're finished?

Already?

- But we can wait while you-- - I've had enough!

I mean, I'm so full, I, uh, I couldn't eat another bite.

I'll get my coat.

- Yeah! - Yay!

Hold still, sweetie. One more button.

Careful, honey. Don't run!

[ Dad ] I haven't seen a good movie in ages.

I like a good musical comedy with a plot. A whodunit.

A whodunit with a good dance number, I don't care.

[ Doorknob Rattles ]

[ Weak Barking ]

[ Weak Barking ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Mom ] The door isn't locked.

No, I remember locking it. I'm sure I locked it.

[ Mom ] Look! [ Gasps ]

I think somebody broke in!

- Wow! - Wow.

[ Dad ] Not a chance. The dog was here.

Oh, my God. They've taken the coffeemaker.

No, no. The dog was here.

Mommy, the "bofa" is gone.

- [ Dad ] But the dog was here! - [ Billy ] Wow!

It looks like they got the whole stereo system, Dad!

[ Skip Shouting ] But the dog was here!

Weren't you? We don't expect too much from you, do we?

Not really, no.

All we expect is for you to be a dog,

which means you eat and sleep...

and occasionally keep the stupid house from getting robbed!

But I'm going to give you another chance.

One more chance.

- [ Billy Imitates Plane ] - You look great, honey.

Thanks. I had my tips frosted.

[ Panting ]

[ Billy ] I am the barf man.

[ Mom ] Billy, stop teasing your sister.

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Ticking Continues ]

[ Snoring ]

[ Doorknob Rattles ]

[ Growls, Barks ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Whines, Weak Bark ]

[ Whimpers ]

[ Barks ]

[ Barking ]

[ Growling, Gasps ]

Uh, my name's Skip Binford.

I'm here to see Ms. Lestrange.

Thank you.

[ Barking Echoes ]

[ Woman ] Do you like what you see?

I'm Gert� Lestrange, administrator of this facility,

and this is my assistant, Ronga.

Oh-- [ Clears Throat ] I-- I--

I think you will find our methods most effective.

Our success rate is close to 100%.

If we can't transform your dog...

into a quivering, snarling, white-hot ball of canine terror,

then we will grant you a full refund, of course.

Uh, well, actually--

You wish a demonstration. Most certainly.

Angel.

[ Snarling ]

- [ Man Screaming ] - [ Snarling Continues ]

Angel, come!

- [ Growls ] - [ Ronga Panting ]

- [ Door Slams ] - [ Lock Clinks ]

[ Door Creaks ]

[ Sighs ]

So what's the big deal?

He doesn't look like a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball of canine terror to me.

[ Snarling ]

[ Snaps ]

Cash or charge?

[ Snarling ]

- What are we gonna do? - I don't know. I don't know!

He's turned into a quivering, snarling,

white-hot ball of canine terror!

We're gonna have to make a break for the car.

- Count of one? - No, two.

[ Together ] No, three!

- Okay. Three. - One, two three!

[ Barking ]

[ Squealing Tires ]

[ Panting ]

[ Growling ]

[ Screams ]

[ Man On TV ] And now, back to Days of our Soaps.

[ Grunting ]

- [ Growls ] - [ Sighs ]

[ Woman ] Wade has always loved me.

He married you for your money!

[ Woman #2 ] Liar! Liar!

- [ Slap ] - [ Woman ] How dare you slap me?

[ Slap ]

[ Woman #2 ] How dare you slap me back?

- Freeze! - [ Snarling ]

What are we gonna do?

Let's tie him up.

Good boy! Good little doggie!

We sure showed him, didn't we?

We sure showed the nasty coppy-woppy, yes.

This is gonna work out just fine.

[ Barks, Panting ]

[ Gunshots ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Inaudible ]

[ Screams ]

The Dog Gang? How humiliating.

Where do they get off calling us The Dog Gang?

I'm beginning to think the party's over.

I'm beginning to think maybe we don't need a dog.

[ Whines, Growls ]

Or maybe we need a new dog.

Or maybe we need a cat!

[ Snarling ]

[ Screeching ]

Hold it. Reach for the sky.

[ Tapping ]

No dog food tonight.

Nothing but the best for our little hero.

[ Buffy ] Good puppy.

Now I want you to just relax.

- And I want you to enjoy your meal. - Dog, dog, dog, dog.

And I want you to get a good night's sleep.

And I want you to take out the trash.

Poopy baby wants some food too.

[ Burps ]

I hate that doll.

Come on, you guys. It's way past your bedtime.

- But, Mom! - Billy!

[ Buffy ] ? A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P ?

- But, Mom! - No grief tonight, buster.

- Go brush your teeth, right now. - Okay.

[ Buffy ] ? W, X, Y and Z ??

[ Quietly ] Honey. Honey.

[ Whispering ] The front door is locked.

Could you come down and--

Ah, I'll have to get in through the back door.

- [ Snarling ] - [ Dad ] No, no! Stop it! Down!

It's me! It's-- Bad!

It's me, you stupid animal!

No! No!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Ticking ]

[ Keys Rattling ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Water Running ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

[ Doorbell Rings ]

- Who is it? - [ Man ] My name is Watts.

I think I have something that belongs to you.

A silver pen with your name on it?

Where'd you find it?

You left it on the Manhattan Bridge about 45 minutes ago.

Thanks for your trouble. [ Exhales ]

Wouldn't you like to know what I was doing on the Manhattan Bridge at 1:00 a.m.?

No, frankly, I wouldn't.

If you don't mind, it's very late, and I'd like to go to sleep.

As a matter of fact, I was watching you dump somebody's body into the East River.

You're mistaken. That was old clothes.

Goodwill doesn't pick up anymore, you know?

Old clothes don't usually need a tire jack stuffed in with them to make sure they'll sink.

I was passing your building. I saw you putting the bag into the trunk of your car.

In my business, you learn to recognize the outline of a head and shoulders.

- So I followed you to the bridge. - Who are you?

A detective with the New York Police Department.

Very nice, the way you big deal Broadway composers live.

Who's that? Your father?

The greatest composer of music the American theater has ever produced-- George Gershwin.

Nice piano. How often do you have it tuned?

Whenever I have to.

And, uh, how often do you wash your candelabra?

Look, Mr. Watts, you have no basis for your accusation,

so I suggest that unless you have a warrant--

- [ Papers Rustle ] - Hmm.

[ Singsong ] "C", "C", "E", "E", "D", "E".

"C."

I always liked music. My family couldn't afford the lessons.

Oh, look at that.

Somebody spilled his bloody mary.

[ Chuckles ] You wouldn't have liked him.

He was a total slime.

You better get your coat, Mr. Gillespie.

- I'm afraid I'm going to have to take you downtown. - You like music?

What do you think of this?

? Balboa thought it was terrific ?

? When he discovered the Pacific ?

? Columbus sailed the ocean blue ??

That's cute. Is it yours?

- It is, and it isn't. - What does that mean?

- Had a partner. His name was Jerry. - I remember.

You guys were together a long time.

Yeah, we split up six months ago. We decided to work on our own.

I signed on to do a musical with Logan Webb, the producer.

Logan is a very impatient man.

Jo-Jo, we've got to have those songs by Wednesday.

Couldn't you at least let me hear a couple of them?

Listen, Logan, when I was working with Jerry,

he used to show our stuff all over town before it was ready.

By the time people saw the show, they thought they were seeing a revival.

Now that I'm on my own, things are different. You will see the songs on Wednesday.

Laurie's heard the songs. Laurie, tell the man.

- Uh, it's-it's his best work ever, Mr. Webb. - There. See?

It'll be the only cast in history to get their songs on the first day of rehearsal.

[ Laurie ] Don't you ever do that to me again. He knew I was lying.

Honey, you were sticking up for your fella. Think of it as a higher form of truth.

You're the best, baby. You gonna eat those strawberries?

Look who's here, old tin ear. Don't you know you can't afford this table since we broke up?

- Hi, Jerry. Think of a rhyme for June yet? - Stop it, Jo-Jo.

- Hi, Laurie. - Hi, Jerry.

I understand you're going to Aruba.

[ Jo-Jo ] Where did you hear that?

Carmen, the cleaning lady, of course.

I thought I'd take a little time off to be by myself.

You're by yourself now.

I think Carmen, the cleaning lady, should stick to her vacuum cleaning...

and stop acting like a gossip columnist.

- Why don't you fire her? - Why don't you?

- No, you fire her. - That's why she'll always work for both of you.

Face it, Jo-Jo, you'd be lost without her.

- He's right, Jo-Jo. You do depend on her. - What?

I do not depend on her for anything.

Who the hell's side are you on, anyway?

- [ Vacuuming ] - ?? [ Light ]

[ Ringing ]

Would somebody answer the phone, please? I am trying to work here.

Mr. Jo-Jo's apartment. This is Carmen speaking.

Ah, hello, Mr. Webb.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry. He just went out one minute ago.

But if you're calling about the songs, Mr. Webb,

they are the most beautiful songs I ever--

All right, Mr. Webb, I tell him.

Wednesday.

- [ Vacuuming Resumes ] - Well, you picked a great time, didn't you?

I've been working on this thing for three months,

and I don't have note one, and now you're leaving me.

Will you cut that thing off?

Honey, I'm so sorry I yelled at you.

I'm under a tremendous amount of pressure.

I've just gotta top Jerry with my show, honey.

Aw, sweetie, didn't we have a great time in Atlantic City?

? You got to admit it was pretty in old Atlantic City ?

- [ Slams ] - [ Bangs Keys ]

What's happening, Carmen? Where am I going wrong?

I can't seem to write anything. I've lost my girl.

Mr. Jo-Jo, last year, when my little Perrito disappear, somebody say to me,

"Why you no go see Sister Teresa? She find your dog for you."

Carmen, I can't deal with this psychic voodoo nonsense.

But Teresa find Perrito for me, Mr. Jo-Jo.

She cure Ramon's asthma,

and she make Carmen fall in love with Ah Fong.

For a while.

Yeah, uh, I-- I'm going for a walk, Carmen.

Make sure you lock up, all right?

[ Clears Throat ]

Um, Sister Teresa?

Either she will come back immediately, or she will never come back.

Who?

Oh, forget about Laurie. What about my music?

- I'm totally blocked. - Music?

No, no, I cannot help you. I am sorry.

Music is too dangerous, too painful and too unpredictable.

- Too painful? - Yes!

It requires a total possession by the spirit of the master.

It is exhausting.

I'm too old for it. I must ask you to leave.

Sister Teresa, you've gotta help me.

- No. - Music is my life!

I feel like I'm losing my talent.

Why can't I write anymore?

Please, you've got to help me!

[ Groans ]

[ Shrieks ]

[ Shrieking Continues ]

?? [ "Rhapsody In Blue" ]

So you dried up, huh? That's one thing that never happened to me.

I couldn't write 'em down as fast as I could think 'em up.

"Fascinating Rhythm," "The Man I Love"-- I never stopped.

And there's plenty more where that came from.

So what do ya need?

Well, uh, the opening tune. I need a snappy boy-girl duet.

He's a millionaire, and she's a reporter who--

Never mind the plot, nobody cares.

I got just the number. Listen to this.

? Balboa thought it was terrific ?

? When he discovered the Pacific ?

? Columbus sailed the ocean blue ?

? And Marco Polo found China solo ?

? But I discovered you ?

? Remember Ferdinand Magellan ?

? He saw the straits and nearly fell in ?

? Cort�s found gold in old Peru ?

[ Male Singer ] ? Both Clark and Lewis ?

[ Female Singer ] ? Gave rivers to us ?

[ Together ] ? But I discovered you ?

- Not so fast. - Fabulous.

If the rest are as good as this, we've a hit.

Don't worry. I'm bringing in more tomorrow.

? Around your heart, dear ?

? Consider Hudson and da Gama ?

? They brought the bacon home to mama ?

? We give them credit where it's due ?

- ? Take Spain or Thailand ? - ? I'll stick with my land ?

? 'Cause I discovered you ??

Uh, Bob.

Terrific tune, huh, Alan?

Better than anything he wrote with Jerry.

I knew he wanted to get off on his own,

but, frankly, I didn't think he was this good.

- I don't think he is. - What do you mean?

I know Jo-Jo's style. I've played every show he did with Jerry Lane.

He can't write like this. I'm telling you. This is someone else's.

Why, Alan, I'd almost think you were jealous.

?? [ Ends ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Dinner for one again, huh, Jer?

Jo-Jo, did you know our shows are opening the same night?

No, I heard your show was in trouble. I thought you had a little book problem.

Really? I heard you were having trouble coming up with the tunes.

Time to dip into the old trunk, eh, Jo-Jo?

Trunk, schmunk! They're the best tunes I've ever written.

I'd love to play you one, except you'd steal it.

Oh, you're right.

You always were the one with the best ideas, the most... talent.

Would you do me a favor? Would you listen to one of my songs?

- From your actual show? - Mm-hmm. I'd like an honest opinion.

It's the love song.

? You're my anything Whatever you want to be ?

? Be anything and be it eternally ?

It's really just great, Jer. I love that.

? You're sexy, you're smart ?

? You're the Earth and the moon ?

? The sand and the dune and the sea ??

I'm moved, Jer. I'm really moved.

- ?? [ Piano ] - [ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

? Ticklish toes That's how it goes ?

? Ticklish toes in my socks ?

? Ticklish toes Nobody knows ?

? Ticklish toes Oh, what shocks ?

? You've got me hoppin' ?

? Each evening till 3:00 ?

? Ticklish toes Ticklish toes ?

- [ Inaudible ] - ? Ticklish toes Keep dancin' with me ??

- [ Groans ] - [ Thud ]

Oh, that was really good, George. Only two more to go.

Mr. Jo, you must go home. This is killing me.

I told you. Music always do this to me.

My heart-- My heart can't stand this.

Teresa, we're so close. Don't fail me now.

- Pepi. Pepi! - Forget Pepi!

George, do you hear me? George, we only have two more songs left!

- [ Teresa ] Pepi! - You must go now, Mr. Jo.

- Go? - Can I have the $15?

Listen, sonny. I gotta have one more session with your mommy.

I don't care what it costs. I'll give you, uh-- I'll give you $100.

I gotta have two more songs.

A hundred dollars?

You call back tomorrow, okay?

God bless you. I will never forget you.

[ Kisses ] I love you.

Ethics? What are you talking about? Ethics.

I'm talking about representing yourself as the composer of another man's work.

This is none of your business, Alan!

Is that what you're going to say to Logan Webb?

You make me sick, Jo-Jo.

For eight years now, I have watched you ride Jerry Lane's coattails,

and steal ideas from every composer in this town.

But this time, you're not going to get away with it.

It's time somebody blew the whistle on you, and I am just the guy who--

[ Sighs ] Oh, my God.

Oh, God.

[ Grunting ]

Oh.

- [ Panting ] - [ Splashes ]

? You got me hoppin' each evenin' till 3:00 ?

? Ticklish toes Ticklish toes ?

? Ticklish toes Keep dancin' with me ??

Well, great stuff, huh? Hell, I'm the new Gershwin.

Oh, this show is gonna run for years.

How much can a guy make on a show that runs for years?

On my last show, I was making, uh, about 10,000 a week.

Oh, more than I could possibly spend.

Tell me, Watts, how would you like to acquire an interest in a hit Broadway show?

Meet a lot of pretty girls, find a dividend check in your mailbox every month?

It wouldn't cost you a thing.

I've always loved show business.

Enough to forget what you saw on that bridge tonight?

What do you say? Ten percent of my share?

Half of your share? I don't see how I could refuse.

It's nice to know greed isn't confined to the arts.

- Then it's a deal. - Mmm.

I think I'd like a drink. How about some champagne?

I think a toast is in order.

Your friend Jerry has stars in his eyes.

The theater's been good to you boys.

The muses are fickle, Watts.

Let's see if he has stars in his eyes when his rotten show opens next week.

[ Cork Pops ]

Did you ever have one of those days?

Life is unpredictable, isn't it?

And the muses are fickle.

If I Discovered You should turn out to be a disappointment at the box office--

- Yes? - Naturally, our deal is off.

I'll drink to that.

This is Trish Tarleton, Entertainment Tomorrow.

We're here at Sordi's, talking to two songwriters...

who used to be Broadway's hottest team.

- Fellas, what happened? - I'll tell ya what happened, Trish.

I was sitting at the piano one day,

and I saw this guy asleep on the couch, as usual.

I said, "For this I'm giving up 50%?"

Well, I'm not going to stoop to Jo-Jo's level of personal vindictiveness.

But, uh, let me just say that after five years of his irresponsibility,

his pettiness, and his incipient alcoholism--

Oh, uh, don't forget to mention nail biting.

And now each of you has a show opening exactly one week from tonight.

No, that's really not quite accurate, Trish.

I have graciously decided to postpone the opening of my show for one night.

[ Jerry ] Oh, really?

Well, that way the critics can cover both shows. How nice.

Now, Jerry, I understand you've got something else to celebrate.

Isn't there an engagement in the wind?

Oh, well, Trish, no secret is safe from you, is it?

There's the lucky young lady right there.

- Laurie McNamara. - [ Jo-Jo ] What?

You creep. How long has this been going on?

- About a year. - [ Sighs ]

I'm counting on an early dinner tonight.

- How come? - The show will probably close at intermission.

I'm sure Jerry's score is a real piece of... cake.

- Hey, Jer. - Hi, Jo-Jo, glad you could make it.

- [ Shutters Clicking ] - I cannot wait to hear "You're My Anything" tonight.

What? [ Chuckles ] Oh, that!

You're such a jerk. That was a joke!

[ Jo-Jo ] You invited Carmen to your opening?

Well, sure. She's part of the family.

- [ Man ] Curtain going up. - Oh. Oh, go ahead.

I'll see you inside.

[ Instruments Tuning ]

Teach me about show business.

Why did you let Jerry open his show before yours?

Well, because my success will taste sweeter in the wake of his failure.

I hope you brought something interesting to read.

?? [ Orchestra ]

That sounds familiar.

Sister Teresa? What is she doing here?

? Balboa thought it was terrific ?

? When he discovered the Pacific ?

? Columbus sailed the ocean blue ?

[ Male Singer ] ? And Marco Polo ?

[ Female Singer ] ? Found China solo ?

[ Together ] ? But I discovered you ?

Jo-Jo, what's our song doing in this show?

I have no idea. Where are you going?

To cancel our opening, and to call my lawyer.

One of you guys is in big trouble.

? Consider Hudson and da Gama ?

? They brought the bacon home to mama ?

? We give them credit where it's due ?

Listen, Watts, this doesn't mean-- We still have a deal, right?

The muses are fickle, Jo-Jo.

? I'll stick with my land 'cause I discovered-- ?

? I hereby plant the flag ?

? Yes, I discovered you ??

[ Cheering ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Tires Screech ]

Hi, honey! I'm home.

[ Boy ] Hi, Dad. Mom's not home yet.

Randy? [ Groaning ]

I found it in the backyard-- a dead diamondback rattlesnake.

Get that out of here before your mother gets home.

But it's got eight rattles.

Get it out of here.

You know how your mother hates it when anybody drips snake venom on her carpet.

A-And Randy,

where did I ask you not to park your bike, hmm?

[ Sighs ]

[ Woman Screams ]

[ Woman ] Get rid of that thing!

[ Sighs ]

The prospectus on this place said absolutely nothing about poisonous wildlife.

- Are you all right? - What else have we got to look forward to?

Honey, maybe you should start your leave of absence a little earlier.

Oh, no, I'm okay. I'm just a little tired. That's all.

[ Man On TV ] ...starts downfield, but is tackled.

- [ Man Continues, Indistinct ] - [ Cheering ]

- Late in the third quarter-- - [ Channel Changes ]

[ Man #2 On TV ] ...film presentation has been rated "R"...

and not suitable for children under the age of 16,

as it contains violence, graphic sex and strong language.

Put it back.

-Parental discretion is advised. -Thanks for fixing the remote.

- [ Cheering Continues ] - [ Animal Howling ]

[ Barking ]

[ Gasps, Chuckles ]

Mommy knows you're there. You don't have to keep kicking her all the time.

- [ Woman ] Al? - [ Dog Barking ]

- Al? - [ Rattling ]

[ Animal Howling ]

[ Dog Barking ]

Coyotes, honey. They're just howling at the moon.

First rattlesnakes, then coyotes. Now earthquakes?

- Oh, no! - [ No Sound ]

Coyotes, honey. They're just howling at the moon.

First rattlesnakes, then coyotes. Now earthquakes?

Oh, no!

[ On TV ] Defense! Defense!

What do you call it when you feel like something has happened before?

D�j� vu.

I felt it too.

The coyotes-- They stopped.

Mom, Dad, look!

[ Al ] There's somebody moving around in there.

[ Mother ] Maybe somebody's moved in.

That's impossible. The house is only half-finished.

- [ Mother ] Maybe they're working nights. - Maybe it's burglars!

- [ Sighs ] - Maybe I should check it out.

Okay! Let's go!

Randy, you stay right here.

[ Sighs ]

The "For Sale" sign is gone.

[ Bird Hoots ]

Hello?

Is everybody okay in there?

[ Gasps ]

They came from the house next door.

Randy. Randy, I thought I told you to stay inside.

- [ Electrical Zapping ] - [ Items Crashing ]

Weird.

Well, I-- I, uh, guess they're all right.

Come on. Let's-- Let's go, okay?

What is that man doing?

Oh, I guess he's just-- probably just getting out his frustrations.

You know, like when I go to the driving range.

Come on. Come on, son. Let's go.

We'll find a more opportune moment to-- to meet the neighbors, okay?

Say-- Say, did I ever tell you about that time that I was on the 18th hole--

[ Mother ] Randy, whatever are you doing?

Mom, these guys are strange.

Young man, in this family, we do not spy!

- Get down. Come look. - What is it?

Hmm.

[ Randy ] Totally weird, right?

What's so weird about sitting in your own back yard?

In dining room chairs? In the dirt?

[ Al ] Hey! What's going on?

Come see our new neighbors--

Zombie-oids from Dudley Drive!

Man, are they ever bizarro.

Oh, Randy, neighbors are always strange.

Those are the rules.

Hmm, well, let's get dressed and go out and meet our new neighbors, hmm?

- [ Knocking ] - [ Al ] Hello?

Hello?

Hello. I'm Nell Lewis. [ Chuckles ]

My husband, Al. We're your neighbors.

We thought you had a little-- little problem last night.

I came over to make sure you were all right,

but I guess you didn't hear me knock.

Hi, Al. My name is Ted Hellenbeck.

This is my wife, Ann. This little tyke is my son, Brad.

Brad Hellenbeck. He's a real chip off the old block.

Glad to know ya.

So, where are you guys from?

- When? - [ Chuckles ] No, where.

- You're not from Arizona. - How do you know that?

Well, your accents, for starters.

You must be from New York, right? [ Chuckles ]

And you are pale.

But I guess if you get outside like this every single day,

you won't be pale for very much longer. [ Chuckles ]

So what do you do?

Uh, I mean for work.

I, uh, vivisect information.

Oh. Any particular kind?

Sociological substructures.

Ann is a cataloger.

She's working on a list of atomic deformities...

in the rare earths.

Or she was.

When are you birthing?

June. He'll be a Gemini.

Just like Al.

Gemini?

I thought this was Arizona.

I brought you these.

Roses. Roses.

Oh, I can't believe it.

It's been a very long time since I saw a rose.

Not since I was a child. [ Inhales ]

And she ate two of them,

and she fed one to her son before I had a chance to stop her.

Then she thanked me, and she said she was gonna save the rest of them till later.

Don't tell Randy. He already thinks they come from Mars.

Randy may just have something there.

First we had the rattlesnakes. Then we had the coyotes.

And then the earthquakes, and now them.

Honey-- Honey, did you see a moving van yesterday?

And they don't have a car.

Okay!

[ Nell ] Dinner in five minutes!

- What is it? - [ Nell ] Meat loaf.

- Does it have little chunks of onions in it? - Yes.

Yuck.

I'll find a good excuse.

Right.

Now I wonder what this does?

[ Hums ]

Okay, I've got you working. So what do you do?

[ Hissing ]

[ Explosion Echoes ]

- Dad! - [ Al ] Randy!

[ Nell ] Randy, what was that noise?

- Dad! - What is going on, Son?

- What is-- - Hurry! The seeker went off!

- The what? - The seeker! That!

[ Nell ] What is that thing?

- [ Ted ] It's a heat seeker. - [ Nell ] What is going on?

- Al, do something! - Get things hot! Quick!

Hotter than body temperature! Now! Get back!

- There's another one! - Quick! Get something hot!

- I've got it. I've got it. - Watch out for your hands!

It's getting hotter. What should I do with it?

Mom! Drop it. Drop it.

- [ Hissing ] - Randy!

- Randy, behind you! - [ Nell ] Get back!

Watch out, Randy! Get down!

- [ Nell ] Randy, back up! - [ Al ] Randy, get out of here!

The oven, Randy! Get away!

[ Nell ] Go into the hallway! Randy, go into the hallway!

[ Al ] Get behind me, honey. Get behind me!

It's gonna blow! It's gonna blow!

- [ Nell ] Not the meat loaf! - [ Al ] Watch out!

[ Chuckles ]

[ Shrieks ] Honey! You're burning!

[ Shrieks ]

Come on! Come on. Get hot. Get hot!

[ Whirs ]

Come on. Get off. Get off, move.

Move!

[ Explosion ]

- Dad, are you okay? - Honey, oh--

- My goodness. - What happened?

Maybe you should tell us what is going on here.

Is everyone all right?

Who are you people?

What is that for?

The wave traps.

If they break through, we see patterns in the water.

It happens if someone leaves or someone arrives.

Breaks through what?

Where are you people from?

Not where-- When.

We're from the future.

A little over 400 years.

Last night, did you experience a, uh, repeat in time?

[ Together ] Coming from the future causes that.

We came here to protect Brad.

Having a family is very different for us than for you.

For us, it's scientific.

A genetic structure is obtained from the parents, improved and assembled in vitro.

No morning sickness,

no dangerous delivery.

No stretch marks.

All completely controlled.

Better than nature.

We live in a purified society.

No congenital deformities, no hereditary diseases.

- A population always... - [ Together ] Perfect.

But Brad is special, because he's not special.

At least, not scientifically.

He's an outlaw-- born naturally.

You were the only pregnant woman I'd ever seen...

except for myself.

Brad's ours.

You can't know what that means to us.

I've got some idea.

How did you get here?

My job was studying the new millennium.

I had limited access to a traveler.

I destroyed it so they couldn't trace the signal.

I don't know how they found us.

They didn't find you. They found us.

You're right. We're the criminals.

Because of Brad.

We should go.

Go? Go where?

[ Humming ]

I'm sorry about your kitchen.

Don't worry about a thing.

Listen. We want to help you.

If you're gonna fit in here, you're gonna need a job. You're gonna need a car.

And whatever it takes, we'll be there for you.

[ Gasps ]

- What is it? - Somebody's about to cross time!

They must have tracked us!

I found it in the trash.

I put it back together again.

That's how they tracked us!

We must go, now!

- Give that to me! - Dad!

[ Zaps ]

- [ Screams ] - [ No Sound ]

- Give that to me! - Dad!

- Hey! - Take your hands off me!

Take your hands off me!

[ Grunts ]

Ow. This is giving me pain.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

- This is hurting. - [ Zaps ]

[ Sighs ]

You're safe now.

I'm really sorry.

They'll try and track us when we leave. We'll misdirect them.

Good-bye. And thank you.

Good luck.

Good-bye again.

Good luck... again.

Some night, huh, pal?

Well, I'll say one thing.

Sure were interesting neighbors.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

[ Girl ] Look at it! It's going up.

[ Woman On P.A. ] The three-legged race will begin in 15 minutes.

[ Man ] Come on over here and let me take your picture.

[ Man On P.A. ] Anybody who's interested,

we've just made up some special lemonade over here,

so grab some cups and make yourselves at home.

There's plenty for everybody. Come on, kids.

[ Child Giggling ]

[ Quacking ]

- [ Chuckles ] - [ Girl Laughs ]

- [ Laughs ] - She's so beautiful.

[ Girl ] Here you go.

[ Laughs ]

More bread, Mommy. I need more bread.

That's all, sweetheart.

Besides, I've gotta get back to start the Easter egg hunt.

You and Daddy can walk along the lake.

Mommy!

Now, Diana, you can stay with Daddy until the egg hunt begins.

[ Diana ] Can I go with you?

[ Woman On P.A. ] Three-legged race in five minutes.

Come on over and sign up.

Diana?

You're such a big girl now.

I hardly recognized you when I got off the plane.

Diana, listen to me.

Will you listen?

I know you don't understand about war.

There's no way that you could.

That's why you have to believe me when I tell you...

I didn't want to leave you and Mommy.

I had to.

A lot of daddies had to leave their children because of the war.

But you were in my thoughts every day,

and in my prayers every night, you and Mommy.

And I'm home now, Diana, and I'll never leave you again.

I promise.

You remember our song?

Sure you do. "Lavender Blue"?

? Lavender blue Dilly, dilly, ?

? Lavender green ?

? I'll be your king Dilly, dilly ?

? You be my queen ??

I don't... remember.

I don't remember.

[ Woman On P.A. ] Sprites. Sprites from Troop 416.

Please gather at the picnic area for the Easter egg hunt.

I've gotta go.

Come on, everybody. The hunt is about to begin.

Girls, come on in.

All right, everyone, gather round.

Okay, now, the eggs are hidden all over the park.

Oh, and there's one with something very special in it,

but that one's hard to find.

Okay. Everyone ready?

[ Girls ] Yeah!

Then let the hunt begin!

Diana.

Good luck, honey.

I wish I could make her understand.

Give her time, darling. She's only eight.

I know.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Oh, boy.

It's beautiful.

[ Bird Calls ]

You've got another 10 minutes, girls. Just 10 more minutes.

Go on. There are a lot of eggs out there.

Boy, she's got a basketful.

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

Mommy!

[ Woman ] Diana!

[ Dogs Barking In Distance ]

[ Man ] Hey, let's get that other boat in the water.

Come on!

[ Sighs ]

We have covered the forest without luck.

We're afraid she may have wandered into the marsh.

[ Sighs ]

The areas are marked, but she might have missed the sign.

What sign is that, Officer?

- Quicksand. - Oh, my God.

[ Groans ]

- If she's there, I'm afraid-- - [ Sobs ]

Of course, we'll keep looking.

I'm sorry.

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, George. [ Sobs ]

My baby. My baby!

[ Car Starts ]

[ Sobbing ]

How can it end like this?

I don't know. I don't know, Kathy.

[ Sobbing ] I don't know.

[ Sobbing Continues ]

[ Birds Twittering ]

[ Man ] Lay back. Close your eyes.

Get some rest.

I'll check you in the morning.

- Oh, no, Kathryn. - I wanna write something, George, before I forget.

George!

You can work on it in the morning.

Oh, pooh.

Do you remember, George, that day,

after Diana disappeared?

Hmm?

I felt so sure she'd be found safe.

It's hope that never died, George.

Never died.

But sometimes false hope needs to be put to rest.

We've gotta tell people that.

Oh, Georgie.

It held us back for so many years.

I wanna write about that in the book, George,

about letting false hope go.

Look what the children sent you.

Ohh!

I should write to them.

In the morning.

I love them all.

- About the book, George. - Go to sleep, love.

False hope--

the need to let it go.

- [ Sighs ] - [ Door Closes ]

This should help ease her pain.

- George? - She's not going to die.

- Let her go, George. - No!

Now, don't make it hard for her to leave.

- It'll be easier for you-- - The children need her!

She's very important to these kids.

And she's given them so much love,

and has so much more to give.

- It's not time. - The children still need you, George.

You can open the school again.

You can continue the work.

Not by myself.

She's the foundation here.

I can't do it.

I'm 78 years old.

I've never been alone in my life.

Kathryn.

Don't give up, Kathy.

Please don't give up.

Without you, I'm nobody.

Don't leave me here alone.

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

Daddy?

Diana?

It's me, Daddy.

Diana!

You look... different.

Like Grandpa Willoughby.

It's been 40 years, Diana.

How can you still look the same?

Annie!

[ Laughs ]

Did you miss me while I was gone?

- Mmm! - How?

How can you look like this?

Well, you're real.

- Where's Mommy? - Mommy?

I came to see Mommy.

Mommy's sick, sweetheart. Mommy's very sick.

Who stays in my room now?

No one.

So many toys!

Who did all of these?

Did you and Mommy have more children?

No, we--

We could never have another child.

We opened a school for children.

We tried to give them...

the love that we could never give you after--

Oh! To see you like this--

Forty years, the same as you were that day at the park.

Daddy,

I'm sorry about that day.

I--

I do understand now, and--

I didn't mean to hurt you.

- Please forgive me. - Oh, God. Diana.

? Lavender blue Dilly, dilly ?

? Lavender green ?

? I'll be your queen ?

? Dilly, dilly ?

? You'll be my king ??

See? I never forgot.

Don't be sad anymore.

Ohh!

Now let's go see Mommy.

Kathy!

See who's here, love?

Kathy.

No. Not now.

Not now.

Kathy!

Not now.

[ Moans ]

Daddy, let her go.

[ Sobs ]

You'll be with her again.

Yes, I will be.

I'll be with her again.

[ Wind Whistling ]

[ Wind Continues ]

It never ends, Daddy.

It changes, but it never ends.

- We have to go now. - Wait!

- I'm going with you. - [ Kathy ] George, no.

You still have work to do.

Finish our book, darling.

I love you very much.

We'll come back for you when it's your time.

I love you.

[ Rumbling ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Woman ] Alan. Alan.

Alan.

Rise and shine, kiddo.

[ Man On Radio ] Down at Zuma you can find four-foot swells in pretty good shape.

But forget about Santa Monica.

[ Sighs ]

[ Groans ]

[ Beeps, Whirs ]

Can't Pop invent something quiet?

Let's just hope he fixed it, honey.

[ Beeps ]

Voil�!

As you ordered, sir-- Over easy.

I'll get you some milk.

I had that dream again last night, Mom.

Oh, Alan, you're reading too many of these things, young man.

That's the problem.

You're right.

It's like something out of my Space Commando comics,

except more real...

like I was there.

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, could I have another egg?

[ Beeps, Whirs ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Squeaking, Warbling ]

I think we have to, Val.

I mean, we just can't wait until the last minute, honey.

It would be too cruel.

All right, I'll tell him tonight.

Hey, Dad!

All right, I'll tell him now.

- I asked for over easy. - Uh-huh.

And look what I got.

Y-- Alan.

[ Sighs ]

Uh, look, uh, Son, do you have a moment?

Sure, Dad. What's up?

Alan, we're moving.

- Moving? - Yes. I have a job opportunity.

Well, but you're a freelance inventor.

Well, yes, of course, I know.

But, uh, this is something I can't pass up.

We can't really talk about it now. You have to go to school.

We'll discuss it later, okay?

We just wanted to prepare you.

[ School Bell Rings ]

[ Chattering ]

So, are we still on for tonight?

- Hi. - Hi.

Sure.

Alan, what's wrong?

Come on. Don't go spacey on me.

I can get that kind of behavior at home.

[ Bell Rings ]

- Karen, we're moving. - Moving? Where? When?

Uh, will you come over tonight?

Sure.

Come on, Alan. You're my best friend.

[ Boy ] Isn't that sweet?

Check out the odd couple.

[ Scoffs ] A couple of lovebirds.

Just ignore them, Alan.

How can you ignore jerks that size?

That's it, Webster.

[ Locker Rattling ]

- All yours, sweetheart. - [ Chuckles ]

[ Knocking ]

Are you okay?

Thirty-five right, 16 left, 24 right.

Well, we always have telephones.

We can call each other any time we want.

It's not the same.

You know it's not the same.

There's summer vacations, student fairs and stuff.

[ Sighs ] Yeah.

Well, did your dad say you where you're moving to?

- No, he didn't. - Aren't you even curious?

Oh, who cares? It's away from you.

This thing is really neat. Too bad it can't be our science project.

[ Buzzing ]

Oh, I should have told you not to turn it on.

It, uh, overloads the circuits.

I'll be right back.

Hey, turn it off so it doesn't happen again.

Okay.

[ Clock Ticking ]

[ Pneumatic Door Opens ]

[ Gasps ]

What's wrong?

I don't know.

[ Mom ] Alan, we're home.

[ Clock Ticking ]

One, two, three.

There's gotta be a way.

Three, one, two.

[ Pneumatic Door Opens ]

[ Beeps ]

[ Door Opens ]

[ Pneumatic Door Opens ]

Oh, my.

Oh, my.

- Good morning, sweetheart. - Hi, Mom.

- Did you sleep well? - Uh-huh.

- So, Dad. - Mm-hmm.

Invent anything... interesting lately?

Well, I can't say that I have, Son.

Not even... what's under the house?

I mean, I always knew you were a good inventor, but not that good.

What the heck is that thing?

[ Chuckles ]

Well, it's--

A space conveyor.

It's true, Alan.

- You built a space-- - Conveyor.

- A space conveyor under our house? - Well, no. I--

No?

Actually, I built the house...

on top of the space conveyor.

I hate to ask this,

but what is a space conveyor?

[ Chuckles ]

It's a device that conveys people through space.

Through space?

[ Dad ] Yes.

Well, how come you never told me about it before?

We weren't permitted to tell you, Son.

So, you see, planet observation is supposedly a lifetime post.

We've been here since you were a baby.

Oh. And then about a week ago, we were told we had to return to Alturus.

- Alturus? - Yes.

Alturus?

Mr. and Mrs. Alien?

And son. [ Chuckles ]

When are we supposed to move?

[ Sighs ] Tonight.

Tonight?

Where is this... place?

It's about 85 billion miles away.

Can't we just move to Cleveland?

Alan, I'm afraid this-- This isn't a joke, Son.

Okay. Sure.

We're going to Alturus.

Would you excuse me, please? I have to go pack my space suit.

- Alan! - Now, Alan, you--

You do understand that nobody else can know about this.

We weren't even supposed to have told you till just before leaving.

- Right. - Right.

Listen, I'm going back to bed so I can wake up.

Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.

Alan. Alan!

[ Alan ] No. Uh-uh.

[ Knocking ]

Son.

There's, uh, something your mother and I'd like you to look at.

[ Chirping ]

[ Beeping ]

[ Stops ]

[ Humming ]

[ Gasps ] I-I know that place.

- I've seen it. - Yes. In your dreams, Alan.

I don't know how you remember it.

You were so young when we left.

- That's Alturus? - Uh-huh.

- [ Beeps ] - [ Knocking ]

[ Vocalizing ]

[ Imitating Ray-Gun ]

[ Dad ] Alan?

- [ Drops Book ] - Here they are, folks.

The Alien family, together again.

Alan, I must say, I think you're taking this rather poorly.

Oh, really? Sorry to disappoint you.

Five minutes ago I was Alan Webster...

from Pacific Palisades, California.

Now I'm a life-form from the planet Alturus.

That's a pretty big change...

for a kid to have to go through, Dad.

Excuse me. I'm late for my last day of school.

?? [ Instruments Tuning ]

[ Sighs ] Alan.

- [ Bell Rings ] - Alan, are you all right?

I've been looking all over for you. Where've you been?

I've been... driving around.

- You wanna go for a ride? - Sure. Let's go.

?? [ Continues ]

[ Woman On Radio ] All right, after that stimulating set,

we're gonna settle in to a mellower groove.

[ Alan ] Karen,

we've been close for a long time, haven't we?

Since first grade.

Shared our biggest secrets with each other.

Believed in each other,

even when nobody else would.

Well, then... I'm an alien.

I knew you wouldn't believe it.

Why should you? I wouldn't believe it either.

Karen, there's a spaceship under our house.

I mean, a space conveyor.

- A space conveyor? - Yes. Yes.

That's what we're leaving in--

to go to Alturus, 85 billion miles away.

Oh, what's the use? I sound like I'm crazy.

- Wait a minute. - Come on. Let's go.

I don't understand.

I believe you.

No. No, you don't.

[ Sighs ]

But thanks for saying so.

I know I'll never see you again.

It's not fair.

It's just not fair.

Your ring.

Can you see it from here?

Mm-hmm. It's just left of Ursa Major, Alan.

Our sun isn't too far away.

And Alturus is the fourth planet from it.

Actually, it's a lot like Earth, you know.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I mean, the people look the same as they do here.

It's just the language that's different.

Different? How different?

[ Speaks Alien Language ]

I'm supposed to learn that? I can't even pass French!

You're gonna be very happy there, sweetheart. I promise you.

Can I watch the World Series there?

No.

Buy a pepperoni pizza there?

I'm afraid not, honey.

Can I see my friends there?

No, Alan.

[ Sighs ]

But you can swim in a golden sea.

And you can watch the setting of two moons.

You can even take your own rocket sled to four different planets.

My own rocket sled?

You wouldn't even let me have a motorcycle here.

[ Chuckles ]

Sweetheart, it's not the end of your life, you know.

It's a whole new beginning.

[ Chirping ]

We're all set.

[ Beeping ]

[ Laughing ]

- [ Mother ] Oh, Alan. - Is this the bus to Alturus?

[ Mother Laughs ]

[ Humming ]

[ Woman Speaking Spanish On P.A. ]

Ladies and gentlemen, we're leaving Earth orbit in three minutes.

[ Speaking French On P.A. ]

[ Speaking Italian On P.A. ]

Who are all these people?

Observers, just like us.

They've been stationed all over the planet.

[ Woman On P.A. ] Ladies and gentlemen,

we're leaving Earth orbit in two minutes.

[ Speaking French On P.A. ]

[ Speaking Italian On P.A. ]

Guess what my parents told me tonight?

[ Chuckles ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

[ Thunderclap ]

[ Chattering ]

[ Thunder Rumbling ]

- Paint it. - Pardon me?

Yeah, paint it. I'd go with a latex too.

You know, when I went into the P.R. business,

I never realized it stood for "personal ruin."

[ Sighs ]

Hey, hey, buddy.

- What, she break your heart or take a shot at you? - Don't ask.

- Hey, you want to talk about it? - I said don't ask, okay?

Well, come on, Joe.

What is it, your P.R. business, your clients or what?

My business. Hmm. What business?

What about the Garshbuller's Candied Dental Floss Company?

Ah, hit with a class action tooth decay suit.

And to be honest with you, I'm sick and tired of promoting the Blue Underwear Company.

Although at least, they're still in business.

But blue underwear-- [ Chuckles ] it turns my stomach.

Who wears blue underwear, huh? Am I right? It's offensive.

Well, yeah, okay, all right, but, uh--

Okay, how about that guy, uh, the swimmer?

Gadstone Simkins?

Don't ask. I get him write-ups in the New Yorker.

All the papers. He does interviews on radio, TV, the whole works.

- [ Thunder Rumbling ] - A snowball of publicity, right?

'Cause he's a local kid gonna swim the English Channel...

backstroke.

Now that's a new twist. [ Sighs ]

So, is it my fault the guy swims headfirst into a rock the size of a truck...

a lousy 20 yards short of the Gallic shoreline?

And he's wearing blue underwear.

Stuff will kill ya.

Ah, gee, Joe, that's-- must have been terrible. He okay?

Yeah, he's okay. Yeah.

He's as dumb as your socks now, but he'll be all right.

Gee. Well, I can understand how come you might be a little blue.

Don't say blue, please?

And you don't understand yet,

'cause I haven't done anything but play the overture here.

The clarinets are still cold.

Couple of weeks back, I go to my office.

What we're try to pull together here, Mr. Willoughby--

Is a contest. A beauty contest.

Hmm. Coffee, Miss Schroedinger.

Fast like a bunny.

I love contests. Just love 'em.

But no animals, okay?

I don't work with animals.

This is strictly people.

We want to call it the "Miss Stardust Contest."

I got you. You play up the whole galaxy angle, right?

That's big. I like it.

It's got nerve.

Well, I'm your man.

Now, who had the cream?

Just put it down, honey. The boys will tie their own bibs, hey, guys?

It's real cream, you know. Or maybe it's half and half and half. I forget.

[ Coughs ] You know, it's really stuffy in here.

Not exactly the theory of relativity, but she's a good kid.

Clean. Very clean.

The reason we looked you up is because we like the way...

you managed Mr. Simkins in the last couple of weeks.

Yeah. Too bad he had to make like the Titanic and suck surf, huh?

The point was, you had a fresh angle.

- Imagination. - Journalistic joie de vivre.

What?

Hey, you guys plannin' to pay up front, right?

Substantially.

It's a deal.

[ Chuckles ] Wow.

- So you had it made, right? - [ Thunder Rumbling ]

Yeah, things looked good. Real good.

Jumbo coin.

And then the day of the pageant... trouble.

Big trouble.

- The cabbage showed up. - [ Thunderclap ]

...to the show. Places! Places! Two minutes.

[ Joe Narrating ] You know, Mikey, it hadn't rained on that date...

since 1867 in this town.

But on the day of my contest, it pours.

I didn't like it. Bad omen.

But, hey, I had fun with it.

Well, what have we here? Kukla, Fran and 0llie together again, huh?

- [ Man ] Let's go, ladies. - Just tuggin' on your toes. Just tuggin' on your toes.

You guys must be the judges, huh? Joe Willoughby here.

Ow. [ Chuckles ] Well, is the hour nearly at hand or what?

Pulchritude awaits us.

The perfect interstellar babe is knocking on heaven's door.

[ Man ] Let's go, girls. Come on, come on. Let's go. Places. Places.

Let's go. Hurry up. Come on.

- Places. - [ Thunderclap ]

Oh, that's some hot-looking storm there.

[ Rumbling, Creaking ]

[ Joe Narrating ] Mikey, all I can tell you is...

this thing was definitely not from New York.

At least not midtown Manhattan.

It was like a cross between Crazy Eddie and a produce department.

But there it was, big as life. And it spoke.

You're in charge?

[ Joe Narrating ] It was the Green Grocer's fantasy.

And it was staring me down.

Very well. Since no one present seems capable of speech,

I shall state our case and depart.

- Your case? - Ah, verbal skills. Excellent.

Hear me well. This contest is declared void.

You have most inappropriately named this event the Miss Stardust Contest.

Your choice is more than unwise.

It is obnoxious, naive and insulting to a serious degree.

Is this understood?

Hey, go find yourself some corned beef, okay?

You are warned!

Who is this guy? What do you want?

One of two things-- a change in the contest title,

because there's already been a contest with the same name...

or representation.

- Are you saying you got a copyright on the name? - We need no copyright!

We have the necessary potency to apply coercion to your world!

And do not strain our patience.

[ Joe Narrating ] Somewhere in the back alleys and secret passages...

of my P.R. man's mind, Mikey,

it came forward, rushing toward my forehead-- an idea.

An idea that was almost--

Perfect.

Tell you what, Cab-man, you got yourself a deal.

Now wait a minute.

This requires a little discussion.

Make your decision or perish forever.

Can I get anybody some coffee?

- Identify yourself! - Oh, I'm Joey's assistant.

I started out as a temp after earning a B.A. in liberal arts at Utah U.

I'm currently earning a competitive wage but eventually I'd like to get into--

Desist!

Joey's assistant has given me an idea.

To insure your honesty in this matter, I will detain her.

Wait a minute.

No way a brussels sprout bursts in and kidnaps my secretary.

Joey, is he serious?

Of course not. [ Chuckles ]

Well, you live and learn.

Wh-What have you done with her?

She is in dimension 49,

locked within a compartment of the space-time continuum...

until I choose to release her.

Dimension 49, huh? What, she's not good enough for 50?

You flirt with vaporization.

I will transport my entries here with me.

I will inform the member units of the alliance...

and all with be here within the hour.

- Entries? - [ Chuckles ] Several thousand.

- You gotta be kiddin'. - I note reluctance.

In that case, I will propose a compromise simple enough for even your comprehension.

Okay, fine. What's the compromise?

Three interplanetary contestants from your own solar system.

Fairness beyond this, you cannot expect to receive.

Yeah.

We'll call her "Miss Outer Space."

No! "The Girl With the Most Bodacious Antennas."

What do you say?

See you at the contest.

[ Woman Gasps ]

So, basically we mess up, we all get zapped into oblivion by a salad bar.

- Great! - That thing isn't playing, Willoughby!

What do you think happened to your secretary? Three weeks in Athens?

What are you gonna do, Joe?

If she's in dimension 49, I have no choice.

I have to dock her for the time's she gone.

But what about what the Cabbage Man said?

He said the fate of mankind hangs in the balance, right?

Well, that includes me, right?

[ Spits ]

Fellas, my fee just went up.

I know it may sound like P.R. hype, Mikey,

- but I was dreamin' the big dream. - [ Thunder Rumbling ]

The one that's up in neon with backup singers...

that spells, "Look out!"

How do you figure it, Joe?

So you say this space creep has put your secretary on ice...

and he's gonna french fry the world if you blow it?

[ Chuckles ] Joey, that sounds like a nightmare.

Maybe to a bartender it does, but not to a P.R. man.

Publicity, pal. I was getting the big one.

Set up another round and I just might tell you the rest of the story.

So, as long as you're asking.

This was some contest.

- ?? [ Accordion ] - Wow.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Whirring ]

[ Joe Narrating ] But I'm tellin' you, Mikey, you'd have been real proud of me.

Even though I was terrified, I was poised-- a regular cologne dispenser.

Hey, slaw boy, you made it.

By the by, what did you do to my secretary?

You melt her down, turn her into an asteroid or what?

My wards are losing patience with you "Eath" people.

Heed my words, "Eathian"!

Or the repercussions begin with a woman known as "Joey's Assistant."

[ Laughing ]

- ?? [ Ends ] - [ Applauding ]

Well, now, let's hear it for Miss Colorado. [ Chuckles ]

Her hobbies are nuclear physics and deep sea fishing...

and who plans someday to teach auto repairs to old people.

- [ Rim Shot ] - And now, ladies and gentlemen,

we've a few late entries,

and they've traveled a heck of a distance to be here.

And we're thrilled that we don't have to pay the airfare for Miss Mars!

?? [ Belly Dancing ]

Oh.

?? [ Continues ]

- [ Man ] What's that? - [ Chattering ]

- [ Chattering Continues ] - Ahh!

[ Man #2 ] Get the hook!

[ People Hissing ]

[ Woman ] Go back to Mars!

- [ Man, Indistinct ] - Uh-uh. Ahh!

- ?? [ Ends ] - And, uh, now, ladies and gentlemen, uh,

let's have a big hand for Miss Mars!

[ Smattering Of Applause ]

And now, Miss, uh, Venus, would like to play a little ditty for us.

It's something called "I Wanna Hold Your Clam."

[ People Groaning ]

- ?? [ Synthesized ] - [ Woman Laughs ]

- [ Chuckles ] - [ Chattering ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Shrieking ]

[ Shrieking Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Woman ] Bravo!

This is highly unsatisfactory.

You will alleviate the situation...

or there will be increasing trouble for you.

Hey, how'd you like to French-kiss a grater?

I can't tell the audience what to do.

If Miss Mars is not chosen winner, there will be severe retaliation by her elders.

Boy, you are one humorless vegetable, you know that?

Why don't you give us a break, huh?

You created your own problem when you named the contest as you did.

- Face the music, "Eath-man." - Earth.

- And I didn't name the contest! - Beside the actual point.

[ Man ] Let's have a big hand for, uh, Miss Venus.

- [ Applauding ] - Ladies and gents, what can I say?

Here's a future mother of six,

Miss Jupiter!

- ?? [ Fanfare ] - [ Applauding ]

?? [ Singing Opera ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

?? [ Singing Continues ]

Finish this contest quickly!

My wards are becoming violently ill at the sight of "Eath-people" en masse.

What're you talkin' about, ill?

Quite simply, they find your appearance surpassingly repugnant.

[ Whirring, Tone ]

I have decided.

Miss Jupiter must be awarded first prize,

- in addition to Miss Venus and Miss Mars. - No way!

They can't all win! It's un-American! It stinks!

We do not like you, "Eath-man."

Earth. Earth. It's called Earth.

Not where I come from.

Mmm! We find you obnoxious to the mind and unwholesome to the eyes.

My wards and I will rejoice when they have all won first prize...

and we can leave your loathsome, "hideouth" presence.

"Hideouth"? "Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

"Hideouth"?

You think I'm "hideouth"?

You are all "hideouth"!

With the possible exception of the "Eath-woman" you call Joey's Assistant.

She has a certain... savoir faire.

?? [ Opera Singing Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

[ Laughing ]

- ?? [ Continues ] - [ Laughing Continues ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

?? [ Continues ]

- [ Laughing ] - [ Applauding ]

[ Joe Narrating ] Mikey, it's not every day a man can tell his friends...

he's hatched a plan to save mother "Eath,"

but that's exactly what I did.

I was gonna give that green geek and his orbit babes and added prize--

a hunk of trouble more "hideouth" than they could ever imagine.

Ladies and gentlemen, before we announce our winner,

I would like to add a very special award to the list of once-in-a-lifetime prizes.

You're gonna love this.

We already announced the loving cup, the car, the Hollywood contract,

one free year's servicing and chassis work at Aldo's House of Beauty.

But now-- now for a really special prize.

One month vacation on the Mediterranean with none other than guess who?

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Universe!

- ?? [ Drum Roll ] - [ Gasps ]

[ Women Screaming, Cheering ]

- [ Cheering ] - [ Applauding ]

[ Screams ]

- No! No! No! This is "hideouth"! - [ Women Screaming ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Speaking Alien Language ]

[ Clears Throat ]

You! You attempt trickery!

Hey, it's our contest. [ Laughs ]

We'll give you first prize,

but we reserve the right to decide what first prize is.

Beside the actual point!

How dare you choose that creature to be Mr. Universe!

Are you unaware the universe contains more galaxies...

than there are stars in your own galaxy?

- Gimme a break. - Ahh! I will give you a cataclysm!

This deceit calls for drastic action.

I must call immediately on the Alliance of Galaxies.

Whooooo!

Ah! There will be a contest held in this building...

to decide who is really entitled to the name "Mr. Universe."

Just exactly what are you talking about in round numbers, huh?

There are approximately 7,595,000 base representatives,

which should give even a mind such as yours...

some idea of the insignificance of your planet...

as it rolls through the void.

So, what did you finally do?

It wasn't easy, I'll tell you that much.

It wasn't easy at all.

In fact,

to be honest with you, it isn't even what I did.

No. Mankind was saved by love.

It seems that old cabbage head had a real thing for Miss Schroedinger.

She got him off our backs when he asked her to get hitched.

Quite a wedding. Best man had suction cups.

They're on their honeymoon now.

Joe, I gotta be honest with you.

This story is the most unbelievable pile...

of a number between one and three I ever heard.

Come on, it never happened.

It never even came close to happening.

You're totally insane, and you owe me for those drinks.

So you don't believe me, huh?

Not in a million years. What, do I look stupid to you?

Here, that's for the drinks.

Oh, and by the way,

here's a little something for bein' nice, for listenin' to an insane man.

[ Chuckles ]

See you around, pal.

So long, Joe.

?? [ Whistling ]

- [ Door Closes ] - Hi, Joey! I sure hope everything's okay back home.

Personally, I never had such a fun honeymoon in my whole life.

All we do is play up here on the third moon of Ungareena Mycappia.

Of course, all the food is plaid...

and I miss the fresh air of "Eath" and everything,

but Cabby's been so nice to me.

And I always was a vegetarian!

Take it easy. I gotta go.

- Well, have fun. - Greetings.

I trust events transpire pleasantly down on "Eath," Willoughby.

Don't take any Varcon Fundiggies.

[ Laughing ]