Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- OH, SHHH...

I LOVE YOU.

- I THOUGHT SHE WAS INTOXICATED WITH SOMETHING.

- YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND OF TAYLOR'S.

- YES, I AM. - THAT'S HOW YOU'RE CONNECTED.

- THAT'S RIGHT, AND NOW I'M A GOOD FRIEND OF YOURS.

CHEERS. - ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

- IF YOU HAVE A BROKEN LEG,

WOULD YOU REALLY PUT A STILETTO WITH IT?

- I WAS MARRIED TO THE NUMBER ONE DOUCHEBAG OF ALL TIME.

NO, I'M KIDDING. OH, NO, NOT REALLY.

- LET'S HAVE A MOMENT OF SILENCE

FOR HER TRIPPING IN A HIGH HEEL.

- LIFE IN BEVERLY HILLS IS A GAME,

AND I MAKE THE RULES.

- I'M NOT THE RICHEST GIRL IN BEVERLY HILLS,

BUT I AM THE LUCKIEST.

- PEOPLE TRY TO FIGURE ME OUT,

BUT I'M ONE OF A KIND.

- I FINALLY FOUND MY VOICE,

AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT.

- HAVING IT ALL IS EASY

IF YOU'RE WILLING TO WORK FOR IT.

- DIAMONDS AREN'T A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND.

FREEDOM IS.

- OKAY, THE PEBBLES ARE KILLING ME.

WHY DO PEOPLE PUT THESE FLIPPIN' PEBBLES IN THEIR DRIVEWAY?

- I DON'T KNOW. LISA HAS THESE TOO, DOESN'T SHE?

- I'M SENDING EVERYONE A BILL FOR MY SHOES

EVERY TIME I GO TO THEIR HOUSE AND THEY HAVE THESE DUMB ROCKS.

KYLE AND I ARE GOING TO DANA'S HOUSE FOR LUNCH,

AND I REMEMBER WHEN SHE WAS NINE MONTHS PREGNANT

AND MET ME SOMEWHERE, DRIVING A LAMBORGHINI.

DANA'S NOT AFRAID OF AN ENTRANCE.

- HEY, GUYS. - HI! WOW!

WE'RE UNDERDRESSED, APPARENTLY.

HI, PRINCESS.

- YEAH, YOU GUYS ARE A LITTLE UNDERDRESSED FOR THIS.

IT'S MY PRINCESS TIME. - OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU SERIOUS?

- NO, I'M DOING--I'M DOING STUFF FOR MY WEDDING, YOU GUYS.

I'M NOT A LOONEY. COME ON IN. - OH, MY GOD.

THERE ARE TWO BOOBS AND A TIARA STARING AT ME IN THE FACE.

- HEY, SO THIS IS THE TEAM HERE.

- HOW ARE YOU DOING? I'M KYLE.

- ERICA COURTNEY. NICE TO MEET YOU.

- OH, I KNOW YOUR JEWELRY. YEAH.

- THANK YOU. YEAH. - HOW ARE YOU?

- ASHLEY. - KYLE.

- HI, KYLE. GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- NICE TO SEE YOU. - I MET YOU THROUGH LISA.

- YEAH. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- AND ALSO THROUGH-- - OH, WOW.

I LOVE IT. - ISN'T IT AWESOME?

- DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS. - YES, THAT'S RIGHT. THANK YOU.

- OH, I LOVE THAT. - GORGEOUS, GORGEOUS.

- THOSE ARE BEAUTIFUL. - WOW. I REALLY LIKE THOSE.

- HOW MUCH ARE THEY? - OH, ABOUT $40,000.

- I MIGHT HIT JAY UP-- UP FOR IT.

- A LITTLE AFTERGLOW PURCHASE. - YEAH.

- WELL, YOU DEFINITELY NEED A WEDDING GIFT, RIGHT?

- YEAH, I THINK SO. I'M--I'M--I'M WITH YOU, KID.

- DANA LIKES THINGS OVER THE TOP.

SHE'S DEFINITELY OUT THERE.

SHE'S NOT AFRAID TO BE WHO SHE IS

AND I THINK THE MORE OVER THE TOP, THE BETTER FOR HER.

- I'M SO SORRY, YOU GUYS, THAT THIS IS RUNNING OVER.

I APOLOGIZE.

- SHOULD WE GO SIT?

- WHY DON'T YOU FINISH UP AND TAYLOR AND I WILL GO SIT DOWN.

DON'T RUSH. DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

- WHAT A DRESS. WHAT IS THIS?

PLEASE GRAB ONE ON YOUR WAY OUT.

- [laughs] - AWKWARDNESS.

- I THINK WE'RE SITTING OVER HERE AT THE SMALLER TABLE.

[laughs]

- SO--SO THE TIARA.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

SHE'S SO-- SHE'S VERY ECCENTRIC.

I COULD NEVER PULL THAT DRESS OFF, BUT--

- WELL, YOU COULDN'T HOLD THAT DRESS UP.

- [laughs] - NO OFFENSE.

- SORRY ABOUT THAT, YOU GUYS.

- NOW YOU'RE ALL CHANGED AND COMFY.

- NO WORRIES. - YEAH, MUCH BETTER.

LIKE, I CAN BREATHE AGAIN.

EVERYTHING WAS LIKE--

- SO IS THAT ONE OF YOUR CHOICES FOR YOUR WEDDING DRESS?

- YEAH.

- ♪♪ HERE COME THE BOOB, HERE COME THE BOOB ♪♪

[laughter]

WHERE'S THE BRIDE? OH, THERE YOU ARE.

- THAT'S HYSTER-- - I KNOW.

- HOW DID YOU GET MY SON'S ZED CARD...

[laughing]

- WELL, THERE WAS, LIKE, FLYERS AT THE FRONT DOOR.

- [laughs]

YOU MEAN, I'M FROM KIDS' RELIEF, RIGHT?

THEY CAN SET UP CANDY AT MY HOUSE.

- PLEASE TAKE A FLYER ON YOUR WAY OUT OF MY SON.

- YEAH, HE'S AWESOME. - VERY CUTE.

- HE'S A REALLY INTERESTING BABY.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'VE TOLD YOU THIS BUT I TAUGHT HIM TO READ.

I KNOW HE'S 18 MONTHS, BUT HE READS.

- WOW. - AND HE SPEAKS THAI.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SCHOOL I'M GONNA SEND HIM TO,

'CAUSE IN ALL HONESTY, BY THE TIME HE'S FIVE,

IF I'VE GOTTEN THIS FAR WITH HIM--

I'M DOING ENCYCLOPEDIA TRAINING NOW.

- I MEAN, HE COUNTS, HE READS,

HE SPEAKS THAI, HE KNOWS THE SOLAR SYSTEM,

HE TAKES PILATES.

THIS IS, LIKE, BABY GENIUS.

MY BABY WAS BORN AND STARTED WALKING.

- YEAH. - REALLY?

- SHE JUST WALKED RIGHT OUT. - UH, UM, WELL...

- SHE'S A BLACK BELT.

SHE'LL BE IN COLLEGE IN A COUPLE YEARS.

- [laughs] EXACTLY.

- MMM! - OH, THAT LOOKS SO GOOD.

- IT'S SALMON WITH, UH-- WHAT IS IT?

- AVOCADO AND MANGO SALSA.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANKS.

SO HOW DID YOUR CHARITY EVENT GO?

I MEANT TO ASK YOU.

- IT WENT REALLY WELL. - YEAH, YEAH?

ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE RESULTS?

- YOU KNOW, I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE FINAL RESULTS

OF EXACTLY HOW MUCH WE RAISED,

BUT I KNOW IT DID REALLY WELL AND THEY WERE REALLY HAPPY,

SO I'M HAPPY.

IT'S HELPFUL TO HAVE FRIENDS WHO HAVE A LOT OF MONEY

WHEN YOU'RE TRYING TO RAISE MONEY FOR AN IMPORTANT CAUSE,

UNLESS, OF COURSE, THEY'RE CHEAPSKATES.

THEN THEY GET THE BOOT.

IT FELT, LIKE, EMBARRASSING, ASKING PEOPLE,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT'S GOOD.

IT'S ALL FOR A VERY GOOD CAUSE, SO--

- THAT'S WHY I INVITED YOU OVER, ACTUALLY.

BECAUSE I JUST THOUGHT WHAT YOU DID WAS SO AWESOME, YOU KNOW?

- THANK YOU. THAT'S VERY SWEET.

- AND PLUS, I LIKE THE WAY YOU DRESS,

AND I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD--

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE YOU COULD HELP ME SHOP.

- I WILL HELP YOU SHOP.

I'M ALL ABOUT GOING SHOPPING, AND--

- WE WILL HELP YOU SHOP.

- DANA IS VERY, VERY, VERY NICE.

[laughter]

- LISA, WE HAVE, UH, YOU KNOW, LAST YEAR'S VINTAGE,

AND THEN WE HAVE, UH, YOU KNOW, THIS YEAR'S VINTAGE.

THE NEW BATCH HAS ARRIVED. - OKAY, LET'S TRY THIS.

- ACCEPTABLE?

- VERY SIMILAR. - VERY CONSISTENT, RIGHT?

- YEAH, VERY SIMILAR, WHICH IS PERFECT.

- LISA VANDERPUMP, I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU, DRINKING ALREADY?

WHAT IS THIS?

- IT ISN'T--ISN'T QUITE HOW IT LOOKS, ACTUALLY.

- OH, MY GOD. CAN I SIT DOWN FOR A SECOND?

- OH, JUST PUT IT HERE.

I KNOW BETTE QUITE WELL THROUGH KYLE.

BETTE IS KYLE AND KIM'S MANAGER.

SHE MANAGES THEIR ACTING CAREERS.

- I HAVE AN INTERESTING PROPOSAL,

SO SIT BACK, RELAX, AND THINK POSITIVELY ABOUT THIS.

- I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO ACTING AGAIN.

THAT TRAIN HAS LEFT THE STATION. - NO, NO, NO.

I WAS ON THE PHONE EARLIER WITH A FRIEND OF MINE

WHO'S--WHO, UM, IS A PRODUCER FOR CNN.

- RIGHT.

- AND RIGHT NOW, THEY'RE BUSY TRYING TO PLAN THEIR COVERAGE

FOR THE ROYAL WEDDING.

- MM-HMM.

- THEY WANTED SOMEONE TO BE A COMMENTATOR.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, A LIGHT BULB WENT OFF IN MY LITTLE PEA BRAIN,

AND I SAID TO MYSELF, "LISA WOULD BE PERFECT."

- WELL, IN FACT, I HAD DINNER

WITH THE DUCHESS OF YORK THIS WEEK,

SO I SUPPOSE I KNOW QUITE A LOT ABOUT BRITISH ETIQUETTE

AND--AND THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN ENGLISH AND AMERICAN WEDDINGS,

SO IT'S JUST AN HONOR, REALLY, TO BE--TO BE ASKED.

- YOU'RE A BRIT, YOU GREW UP THERE,

YOU HAVE KIND OF INSIGHT TO HOW, YOU KNOW,

THE BRITISH PEOPLE KIND OF RESPECT ROYAL--

- IT COULD GO HORRIBLY WRONG, BETTE.

- LISA, I HAVE-- - THERE'S JUST A FEW PEOPLE...

- LISA, I HAVE TOTAL CONFIDENCE IN YOU.

- I THINK LISA'S QUALIFIED

TO BE A COMMENTATOR ON THE ROYAL WEDDING

BECAUSE SHE'S BRITISH...

AND MARRIED?

MARRIED AND BRITISH.

- IF I HAD AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THAT, I WOULD DO IT.

I THINK IT'S A FUN THING. - UM, YEAH.

- OH, LISA, THAT'S FABULOUS.

- I THINK IT WOULD BE FUN.

IN LIFE, YOU, YOU KNOW, REGRET THE THINGS

YOU DON'T DO, NOT THE THINGS YOU DO DO.

- I'VE GOT TO GO TO MY MEETING.

YOU HAVE MY OFFICE NUMBER, RIGHT?

- RIGHT. - OKAY, TAKE CARE. LOVE YOU.

OH!

I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A KLUTZ. [laughter]

- YOU BUMPED YOUR HEAD. - IT'S SO ME.

OKAY, LOVE YOU. GOOD-BYE.

GIVE MY BEST TO KEN. - ALL RIGHTY.

- YOUR LITTLE BUDDY JACKPOT LEFT ME ANOTHER PRESENT AGAIN.

OH, THERE YOU ARE, JACKPOT.

[line ringing] - [laughs]

- THERE YOU ARE, YOU LITTLE, DESTRUCTIVE DOG, YOU.

- JACKPOT SEEMS TO LOVE GOING IN MY HUSBAND'S CLOSET

AND DOING HIS LITTLE NUMBER.

I THINK IT'S KIND OF FUNNY.

[line ringing]

- HELLO?

- LISA. - HELLO?

- YEAH?

- WE'RE GONNA HAVE A BARBECUE NEXT WEEK AT THE HOUSE,

SO I WANT YOU TO COME AND IF--

- NO, I'M DOING THE COVERAGE FOR THE ROYAL WEDDING.

- OKAY. - YOU'RE HAVING A BARBECUE?

- YOU'RE PLANNING IT RIGHT NOW? - YEAH.

- ALL RIGHT, DARLING, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL TALK LATER.

- OKAY. CIAO. - ALL RIGHT, BYE. BYE.

- ALL RIGHT. - GOOD-BYE, LISA.

COULD I LET VISCO IN? - UM, NOT RIGHT NOW.

[line ringing]

- WELL, THAT DOG IS IN. WHY CAN'T YOU LET VISCO IN?

- OKAY, GET HIM. YOU CAN LET HIM IN.

YOU'RE ASKING ME NOW? YOU NEVER ASK.

YOU JUST LET HIM IN. WHY, ALL OF A SUDDEN, ARE YOU ASKING?

- HERE--HERE WE GO AGAIN. - OH, MY GOSH.

YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

- YOU HAVE TO MAKE THAT COMMENT, HUH?

- YOUR CALL HAS BEEN FORWARDED

TO AN AUTOMATIC VOICE MESSAGE SYSTEM.

[beep]

- HEY, TAYLOR, IT'S ADRIENNE. HOW ARE YOU, HONEY?

HEY, LISTEN, UM-- [dog barking]

I'M HAVING A, UM, BARBECUE NEXT WEEK.

PAUL. I'M HAVING A BARBECUE NEXT WEEK.

I CAN GIVE YOU MORE INFORMATION.

I CAN CALL YOU, UM, LATER ON.

I'M NOT REALLY SURE.

MISS YOU AND, UH, TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE.

- COME HERE.

- IF SHE GETS THAT MESSAGE, IT'LL BE AMAZING.

- WHO? - TAYLOR.

- LOOK, HE'S BITING THE DOG'S LEG.

OW! THIS DOG JUST BIT MY FINGER.

HE JUST WALKED UP AND HE GRABBED MY LITTLE FINGER.

- YOU'LL BE FINE. YOU'LL BE ABSOLUTELY FINE.

I WILL ASSURE YOU, YOU'LL BE FINE.

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS DOG? - 'CAUSE YOU YELL AT HIM.

- NO. HE GOES TO THE BATHROOM IN MY ROOM.

YOU GET ON A CHAIR LIKE YOU OWN THIS PLACE.

AND THEN YOU JUST BIT MY HAND.

- SO, BARBECUE NEXT-- NEXT WEEK.

I THINK WEDNESDAY'S GOOD.

- OKAY, IN OTHER WORDS, THIS CONVERSATION'S ENDED

IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

- YEAH, IT'S ENDED.

- WELL, I HAVE TO-- I GOTTA GO UPSTAIRS

AND POSSIBLY CLEAN A LITTLE BIT OF JACKPOT'S PRESENTS.

- CLEAN. [laughs]

YOU MEAN, YOU WANT ME TO CLEAN IT IS WHAT YOU'RE--

BASICALLY WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

- YEAH, THAT--YEAH, THAT WILL--THAT WILL HAPPEN.

- YEAH, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

- COMING UP...

- WELL, TAYLOR, SHE DOESN'T FEEL YOU'RE BEING SYMPATHETIC

'CAUSE YOU ALWAYS TELL HER YOU'RE NOT HER FRIEND.

- HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

I'M JUST MEETING A FRIEND FOR A DRINK.

- HI, YOU. - HI, HOW ARE YOU?

YOU LOOK SO CUTE. - DON'T GET UP.

NOT NECESSARY. - I CAN'T, OBVIOUSLY.

- GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN. - YOU TOO.

[sighs] - HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

- GOOD. THANKS FOR COMING.

- YEAH, GOOD. THANKS FOR ASKING ME.

THAT WAS SWEET OF YOU. - ANYTIME, ANYTIME.

- SINCE ADRIENNE INTRODUCED BRANDI TO THE GROUP,

I FEEL LIKE WE PROBABLY HAD MORE IN COMMON, AS WOMEN,

THAN I WOULD HAVE ANTICIPATED PREVIOUSLY.

I MEAN, SHE'S A MOM

AND I KNOW THAT SHE'S BEEN THROUGH A LOT IN HER MARRIAGE.

HOW MANY KIDS DO YOU HAVE? - TWO.

- TWO, YEAH. I KNOW YOU TOLD ME THE OTHER DAY.

AND HOW OLD ARE THEY?

- UH, JAKEY JUST TURNED FOUR, AND MASON'LL BE EIGHT IN JUNE.

- OH.

- YOU KNOW, I'VE SWALLOWED A BIG PILL OF, LIKE, HUMILITY,

AND I'VE JUST BEEN LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS WHAT IT IS. THESE ARE OUR CHILDREN.

I'M SHARING THEM NOW WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

MY HUSBAND NEVER TOLD ME HE WAS CHEATING.

I READ IT ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE.

HE CHEATED ON ME OUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE,

AND EVENTUALLY WITH LEANN RIMES.

APPARENTLY I JUST HEAR

THAT THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED, LIKE, TODAY OR TOMORROW.

- NO, REALLY? - YEAH.

- THAT'S GOT TO BE HARD TO STOMACH.

- IT'S NOT SOMETHING I WOULD WISH ON ANYONE,

BUT IT JUST MAKES YOU A BIGGER PERSON.

I DON'T THINK THAT TWO PEOPLE SHOULD STAY TOGETHER

FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN.

THEY CAN SEE WHEN MOM AND DAD ARE NOT HAPPY,

AND IT'S BAD FOR THE KIDS.

- SO I'M IN MARRIAGE COUNSELING. - BEEN THERE.

- HOW'D IT WORK OUT FOR YOU? - [laughs] I'M DIVORCED.

- [laughs] YEAH, EXACTLY.

IT'S MADE ME SUPER VULNERABLE AND I HAVEN'T HANDLED IT WELL.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- WELL, I MEAN, I'VE HAD SOME INSTANCES

WHERE I'VE FALLEN TO PIECES, AND I WAS DISORIENTED.

I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I WAS. - REALLY?

- IT WAS REALLY SCARY, AND SO I TOOK A FEW DAYS OFF.

- HOW NICE. - YOU KNOW.

WENT WITH MY HUSBAND. WE CHECKED INTO A HOTEL.

IT WAS GOOD TO GET AWAY, BUT I THINK I NEED

JUST EVEN A MORE RELAXING WEEKEND.

- YOU MEAN, WITHOUT HIM? - MAYBE.

- IT REALLY MAKES A DIFFERENCE,

JUST TO GET AWAY FROM THE VIBE THAT--

THAT YOU'RE NOT FEELING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I WAS IN THERAPY, AND IT'S VERY STRESSFUL

AND, YOU KNOW, I ACTUALLY, AT THE TIME,

LOST A TON OF WEIGHT.

I COULDN'T GAIN WEIGHT IF I WANTED TO.

I WAS, LIKE, ANXIOUS ALL DAY LONG.

- I KNOW, RIGHT?

IT JUST BURNS OFF. - YEAH.

I CAN TELL SHE HAS A LOT OF STRESS IN HER LIFE.

SHE'S DISAPPEARING. I CALL IT THE DIVORCE DIET.

- HOW MANY YEARS WERE YOU MARRIED?

- EIGHT, BUT TOGETHER FOR 13.

- THAT'S A LONG TIME.

- I KNOW. WE MET WHEN WE WERE BABIES.

I WOULDN'T RECOMMEND DOING WHAT I DID.

LIKE, DON'T FIGH-- GET A MEDIATOR.

DON'T FIGHT IT OUT IN COURT. IT'S A DISASTER.

- NO, I WOULD NEVER. I MEAN, I'M NOT THAT GIRL.

I WOULD TRY. - YEAH.

- I KNOW THAT'S PROBABLY WHAT EVERYBODY THINKS

BEFORE THEY DO IT, RIGHT?

- NO, I MEAN, HONESTLY, I-I WAS GONNA--

I'M LIKE, "I'M TAKING YOU TO THE BANK, MOTHER[bleep]."

- [laughs] CHEERS, DARLING. I LOVE THAT.

- OH, MY GOSH. BROOKE'S FIRST DATE AT SCHOOLIE.

THE KIDS ARE DEFINITELY GROWING AND MOVING UP AND AWAY,

AND I WAS REALLY HAVING A TOUGH TIME WITH IT,

BUT THEY'RE INDEPENDENT AND I'M VERY PROUD.

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF KIMBERLY.

- I KNOW. THAT'S KIM.

- DO YOU KNOW THAT SHE DRESSED LIKE THIS EVERY DAY?

- NO. - LOOK AT THE PLASTIC HEELS.

- I KNOW. - A CROWN.

[laughs]

WE'D GO TO A PLACE, AND THEY'D GO,

"AW, HOW CUTE. DID SHE JUST COME FROM A RECITAL?

I'D SAY, "NO. THAT'S JUST KIMBERLY."

RIGHT NOW, BROOKE IS LIVING IN HER FIRST APARTMENT EVER

IN BEVERLY HILLS.

WHITNEY IS GOING TO UCLA,

SO SHE'S STAYING AT MY SISTER KATHY'S.

CHAD SPENDS A LOT OF TIME WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND.

AND KIMBERLY, UH, GOES BACK AND FORTH

BETWEEN HER DAD AND I.

WE DO WEEK ON, WEEK OFF.

WE'D GO TO SCHOOL, AND ALL THE OTHER KIDS WERE LIKE,

♪♪ DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH DAH ♪♪

AND HERE'S KIMBERLY.

- THAT'S CUTE.

- YEAH, BUT LOOK AT THE MOVEMENT.

- SEXY. - IT WAS EMBARRASSING.

BROOKE AND I WOULD LOOK AT EACH OTHER LIKE--

[gasps] OH, MY GOSH.

AND I'D SAY, "SHE LEARNED IT FROM YOU, BROOKE."

SHE DID.

THIS HOUSE, IT'S A LITTLE TOO BIG FOR ME

WHEN ALL THE KIDS ARE GONE.

SOMETIMES I CAN GO, "HELLO, HELLO, HELLO,"

AND IT, LIKE, ECHOES.

IT'S LIKE, IT GETS REALLY LONELY, YOU KNOW?

LOOK AT CHAD IN HIS LITTLE SUIT.

HUH? - YEAH. OKAY.

- AFTER LAST YEAR, I DECIDED TO TAKE SOME TIME

AND REALLY FOCUS ON KIM, AND I'VE COME BACK STRONGER

AND MORE POWERFUL, AND I FEEL-- I FEEL GOOD ABOUT IT.

MY KIDS ARE SO PRETTY.

- DID HE DO A WEE-WEE? - YEAH.

- YOU LITTLE SEX MONSTER.

HEY, YOU. - HELLO.

- HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- GOOD. - NICE TO SEE YOU.

- WHERE'D YOU COME FROM? - WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- I NEVER SEE YOU WEAR RED. I LOVE THAT ON YOU.

- HELLO. - HOW ARE YOU?

- SORRY WE'RE-- - ARE WE GOOD?

- HOW ARE YOU? - I'M GOOD, HOW ARE YOU?

- HI, GIGGIES.

- CHEERS. - CHEERS, DEAR.

- NICE TO SEE YOU. CHEERS. - CHEERS. CHEERS TO YOU, HONEY.

- I'M SORRY. I FORGOT ABOUT YOU.

- [laughs]

- HOW ARE YOU? - I'VE BEEN CRAZY BUSY.

WE'VE HAVEN'T SPOKE. - WELL, YOU'VE BEEN CRAZY BUSY.

- EVERY SINGLE MORNING, WE USED TO SPEAK.

- LATELY, THERE HAS BEEN A LITTLE TENSION

BETWEEN LISA AND I EVER SINCE KEN AND I HAD WORDS

AT ADRIENNE'S DINNER PARTY.

I THINK YOU OFFENDED HER A LITTLE BIT.

- "OFFEND" IS A BIG WORD.

- KEN. KEN, PLEASE. COME ON. - NO, BUT IT IS, IT IS.

IT IS A BIG WORD. - RELAX, PLEASE. REALLY.

WHAT IS THAT? I WANT ONE OF THOSE.

- I'VE PUT IT ON YOUR MAIN COURSE.

- THIS FOOD LOOKS SO GOOD. I'M SO EXCITED.

- NICE.

- I HAD LUNCH AT DANA'S. I HAD LUNCH AT HER HOUSE.

THE LUNCH WAS VERY AWKWARD.

SHE WAS--SHE HAD A DRESS ON THAT WAS LIKE--

TWO BOOBS OUT TO HERE.

- NO! WAS IT GOOD?

- SHE HAD A TIARA ON TOO.

- EXACTLY.

- BUT SHE SAID THE BABY WAS 18 MONTHS OLD.

- SHE HAS A BABY?

- UH-HUH. - OH, REALLY?

- AND SHE SAYS THAT HE READS AND WRITES AND SPEAKS THAI.

- WHY DOES THE BABY SPEAK THAI?

- I THINK THE BABY SPEAKS GIBBERISH,

AND SHE THINKS THE BABY'S SPEAKING THAI.

THAT'S WHAT I THINK IS GOING ON.

- WAIT A MINUTE. SHE SAID IT.

SHE SAID THE BABY SPOKE THAI. THE BABY'S A MODEL.

[laughs]

EVERYBODY IN THIS TOWN IS SO FULL OF IT, I'M SORRY.

- I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND.

- THERE'S A--EVERYBODY-- IT'S THE TYPICAL SITUATION,

YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY CLAIMING TO HAVE MORE THAN THEY HAVE.

- BUT YOU DON'T DO THAT. I DON'T DO THAT.

I'M THE FIRST ONE TO TELL YOU I HAVE TO WORK TO PAY MY MORTGAGE

AND I HAVE TO WORK EVERY DAY.

I'M HAPPY TO ADMIT THAT.

- WHOSE FRIEND IS THIS? - TAYLOR'S.

- IS THAT--THAT DANA IS THE CHUBBY ONE, YEAH?

- WASN'T DANA THE CHUBBY ONE? THE CHUBBY ONE.

- I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT. - [laughs]

- MAYBE SHE JUST LOOKED CHUBBY AGAINST TAYLOR, BUT--

- WELL, ANYBODY LOOKS CHUBBY NEXT TO TAYLOR.

I LOOK LIKE TWO-TON TILLIE NEXT TO TAYLOR.

- WELL, I WAS SAYING TO TAYLOR, BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW, YOU KNOW,

THAT TAYLOR'S BEEN KIND OF,

REALLY, WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW ISN'T, YOU KNOW,

IS KIND OF NOT WORKING, BASICALLY.

SHE'S ALWAYS CRYING EVERY TIME WE SEE HER.

THE FACT THAT SHE'S DROPPED SO MUCH WEIGHT.

- IT'S DIFFICULT WHEN YOU HAVE TWO FRIENDS

THAT YOU CARE ABOUT AND THERE'S TENSION BETWEEN THEM,

BECAUSE ULTIMATELY, THERE'S GOING TO BE A PROBLEM

AND YOU'RE GONNA GET DRAGGED IN THE MIDDLE.

WITH TAYLOR, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE NOT A FAN.

- WELL, I'VE ALWAYS BEEN A BIT SUSPICIOUS.

- NO, I KNOW, BUT YOU DO MAKE A POINT OF ALWAYS SAYING,

YOU KNOW, "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND."

- NO, IT'S NOT THAT I'M SAYING, "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND."

I'M JUST SAYING I'M NOT MASQUERADING

AS YOUR BEST FRIEND.

- MY POINT IS, I THINK YOU CAN HELP HER

WITHOUT HAVING TO SAY THAT.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THAT NIGHT AT ADRIENNE'S, SHE STARTED CRYING.

LIKE, SHE GETS VERY SENSITIVE.

SHE DOESN'T FEEL YOU'RE BEING SYMPATHETIC

BECAUSE YOU ALWAYS TELL HER YOU'RE NOT HER FRIEND.

I'M BEING HONEST. LIKE, YOU SAY YOU'RE...

- I'M JUST SAYING THAT I'M NOT GONNA COMPROMISE

WHAT I BELIEVE IN AND BE HER BEST FRIEND

JUST BECAUSE SHE'S IN TROUBLE.

- IF YOU'RE GONNA OFFER,

THEN DON'T SAY, "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND,

BUT IF YOU NEED SOMETHING--"

- I NEVER SAID, "I'M NOT YOUR FRIEND."

- I THINK YOU HAVE. I'M SORRY.

- I SAID, "I'M NOT MASQUERADING AS YOUR BEST FRIEND."

- I MUST INTERJECT. I MUST INTERJECT.

IF SHE HAD FRIENDS, THEY WOULDN'T LET HER

GET AS THIN AS SHE'S GOTTEN NOW.

- AND THEY WOULDN'T LET HER GET--

- YOU CAN'T FORCE SOMEONE TO EAT.

IT'S LIKE SAYING, A DRUG ADDICT, UM,

"IF YOU WERE THEIR FRIEND, YOU'D MAKE THEM STOP TAKING DRUGS."

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

- NO, BUT YOU STEP IN.

I KNOW KYLE HAS BECOME PARTICULARLY CLOSE TO TAYLOR,

BUT THAT'S NO REASON TO ATTACK ME.

- I THINK THAT HURTS HER FEELINGS.

SHE'S SENSITIVE.

SHE'S A FRAGILE PERSON.

- COMING UP...

- I'M LOVING THE SUNGLASSES.

- DID YOU KNOW? $25,000. [laughs]

- INSANE. - THAT'S RIGHT.

I'VE GOT INSECURITY ISSUES, APPARENTLY. [laughs]

- OH, THIS LOOKS GREAT, BERNIE.

BERNIE, DO YOU WANT TO PUT ANOTHER TABLE OUT THERE

FOR THE KIDS?

- UH, WE'LL JUST WAIT AND SEE WHO--

- BECAUSE IF SO, WE CAN MOVE THE OTHER ONE IN THE PLAYROOM.

- OKAY, WE'LL USE THAT ONE. - DO THAT?

- YEAH, WE CAN DO THAT ONE. - OKAY.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE THE BARTENDER IS?

- WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU NEED, ADRIENNE?

- I WOULDN'T USE THESE.

WHO--WHO PUT--?

THESE ARE NOT FOR-- WHERE'S THE BARTENDER?

- HI. - HI.

LET'S--LET'S USE JUST THE LESS FORMAL.

THESE ARE TOO FORMAL. JUST THE LESS FORMAL CHAMPAGNE.

'CAUSE IT'S OUTSIDE. - SURE. NOT A PROBLEM.

- THEY'RE NOT FOR NOW? - YEAH.

- I'LL PUT 'EM AWAY RIGHT NOW.

- THESE ARE TOO NICE.

- HI. - HEY! HEY!

- I'M HOBBLING OVER. - HOPALONG.

- HOW ARE YA? - HOW ARE YA?

GOOD. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DRINK?

- WHITE WINE. JUST WHITE WINE.

- WHITE WINE? OKAY. - THANKS.

ALL RIGHT. DO-- WE HAVE WHITE WINE, RIGHT?

- YES. WE DON'T HAVE RED WINE RIGHT NOW. UH--

- WE DON'T HAVE ANY RED? - IT'S GONNA BE ALONG SHORTLY.

- THAT'S ALL WE HAVE? - YES.

UH, AND BERNIE SAID THAT PAUL WILL GET MORE FOR US.

- NO, NO, NO, NO. JUST--YOU CAN GET WHATEVER YOU WANT.

DON'T WORRY WHAT PAUL SAYS ABOUT--

- I'M SAYING THAT'S ALL WE HAVE.

- NO, NO, THERE'S PLENTY. WE HAVE A WINE CELLAR.

IT'S FINE. - OKAY. THANK YOU.

- HEY! - HOW ARE YOU?

- MWAH! YOU LOOK FABULOUS.

HI, PORTIA.

- OH, YOU KNOW WHAT SHE'S LOOKING AT?

- OH, YEAH, ISN'T THAT FUN?

- DO YOU WANT TO GO GET YOUR BATHING SUIT ON?

- DOESN'T THAT LOOK LIKE A BLAST?

- HI, HOW ARE YOU? - GOOD. HOW ARE YOU?

- YOU REMEMBER BRANDI.

- NICE TO SEE YOU. - YEAH.

- OKAY, PORTIA, LET'S GO GET YOUR BATHING SUIT ON.

- OKAY.

- HI, HONEY. - OH, THANK YOU.

- HOW ARE YOU? HI, HONEY.

- YOU LOOK GORGEOUS. - THANK YOU.

- AS USUAL.

- I'M ACTUALLY REALLY COMFORTABLE.

- [gasps] PORTIA, I LOVE--OH, MY GOD.

THAT BATHING SUIT'S INSANE.

- SHE LOVES ANYTHING WITH A TUTU ON IT.

SHE'S, LIKE, OBSESSED.

PORTIA, LET'S GO TO THE WATER SLIDE.

- HEY, ARE WE ALL GONNA GO TO THE WATER SLIDE?

- THERE'S A LIFEGUARD.

- YEAH, YOU--EVERY TIME I HAVE A PARTY AT MY HOUSE,

I HAVE TO HAVE A LIFEGUARD BECAUSE--

- I WANT TO GO DOWN. - YOU DO?

SOPHIA'S GONNA TAKE YOU RIGHT NOW TO THE JUMPY.

OR YOU CAN GO ON EITHER ONE. THAT IS SO MUCH FUN.

WE WERE DOING THE SLIP AND SLIDE THIS WEEKEND AT, UH,

IN PALM DESERT.

- I WAS ON A PLANE THIS SUNDAY, SO...

- WITH THE KIDS?

- THE KIDS FLEW HOME TWO DAYS EARLIER WITH MY FAMILY.

WELL, MY PARENTS WERE THERE,

BUT THEY FLEW IN TO MEET THEIR DAD

'CAUSE THEIR DAD WAS IN TOWN...

- OH, OKAY. - SHOOTING A PILOT, SO--

- OH, MY GOSH. - YEAH.

- IN TOWN?

- YEAH, YEAH, HE'S IN TOWN THIS WEEK.

- AND IF HIS PILOT GOES, WOULD HE LIVE HERE?

- NO, HE'S JUST DIRECTING. IT'S JUST A ONE-SHOT THING.

HE WAS DIRECTING A PILOT AND-- - OH, OKAY.

I WAS GONNA SAY, TELL HIM TO STAY IN NEW YORK.

- YEAH.

[laughter]

- LOVE YOUR SHOES. - THANK YOU.

- I KNOW. THOSE SHOES ARE AWESOME.

- THEY'RE SO HIGH.

- HI. - I WANT TO GO TO THE JUMPY.

- OKAY, LET'S GO. SORRY. WE'RE BYPASSING EVERYONE.

SHE WANTS TO GO STRAIGHT TO THE JUMPY.

HI! - I KNOW. IT'S VERY EXCITING.

- SHE LOOKS LIKE MASON, HER DAUGHTER.

- A LITTLE. - LIKE MASON.

- KENNEDY.

- I HAVE A MASON. YOU HAVE A MASON?

- I HAVE A MASON. DO YOU HAVE A BOY OR GIRL MASON?

- A BOY. - BOY. YEAH.

I HAVE A GIRL MASON. - OH, REALLY?

- YES. - OH, HOW CUTE.

- HOW'S EVERYTHING GOING? HOW IS IT?

- I HAD A ROUGH WEEKEND. - OH, SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

- MY EX-HUSBAND GOT REMARRIED ON FRIDAY, WHICH WAS AWFUL.

- SORRY, MINE GOT MARRIED A MONTH AND A HALF AGO.

SO WE'RE IN THE SAME BOAT. - I KNOW, I FEEL SO BAD FOR YOU.

BECAUSE YOURS IS, LIKE, WARP SPEED, BUT MINE, OH, MY GOD.

ALL WEEKEND, EVERY PRESS OUTLET WAS HOUNDING ME.

THEY WERE OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. - OKAY.

- HI, HONEY. - THEY WERE JUST ASKING--HI.

ASKING FOR, LIKE, ANY, LIKE A QUOTE, OR THIS, THAT,

AND I'M LIKE, "I DON'T HAVE INTERNET,

I DON'T HAVE TV, I DON'T [bleep] CARE."

BRANDI UNDERSTANDS WHAT I'VE GONE THROUGH

BECAUSE WE'VE GONE THROUGH THIS PUBLIC HUMILITY. [laughs]

- I, AT LEAST, GOT TIME, EXCEPT IT WAS--

YOU KNOW, IT'S IN YOUR FACE, EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT IT.

- BECAUSE YOU'RE IN THE PRESS.

IT'S LIKE, WHEN A HIGH-PROFILE DIVORCE--

- WELL, YOURS IS WAY MORE HIGH-PROFILE THAN MINE, BUT--

- WELL, WE BOTH WENT THROUGH IT. - BUT, YEAH, I MEAN--

- IT'S TOUGH. - IT'S NOT FUN, BUT--

- A GIRLFRIEND OF MINE SAID, "EXPECT THE WORST

AND YOU WON'T BE DISAPPOINTED."

SO HE HASN'T DISAPPOINTED ME YET.

- WHEN I MET CAMILLE, IT'S LIKE WE HAD AN INSTANT BOND

BECAUSE SHE'S LIKE THE A-LIST VERSION OF WHAT I WENT THROUGH,

WHICH IS LIKE THE D-LIST VERSION.

- ARE YOU COMMISERATING HERE? - YEAH!

WELL, HER EX JUST GOT REMARRIED THIS PAST WEEKEND.

- I KNOW.

- AND I JUST WENT THROUGH IT A MONTH AND A HALF AGO, SO--

- I KNOW.

- I MEAN, SHE COULD HAVE--SO, IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS FOR ME,

SO IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

- BUT HERS WAS SO QUICK.

- YEAH, 'CAUSE I FILED IN JULY

AND HE GOT MARRIED SIX MONTHS AFTER.

- YOU'RE ACTUALLY LUCKY

BECAUSE YOU'LL GET TO MOVE ON SO MUCH FASTER

AND IT WON'T DRAG YOU DOWN AND YOU'RE GONNA BE OUT, DATING.

YOU HAVE TO START DATING IMMEDIATELY. YOU HAVE TO.

- I'VE BEEN GUN-SHY ABOUT DATING.

- SHE HAS BEEN.

- JUST JUMP IN. I'LL SHOW YOU THE WAY.

- SHOW ME THE WAY. I NEED SOME GUIDANCE.

- I THINK CAMILLE AT THIS POINT IS PROBABLY READY TO DATE.

EVEN IF IT'S FOR COMPANIONSHIP, SO BE IT.

- IT'S IMPORTANT FOR HER TO GET HER GROOVE BACK, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER,

AND WE ONLY HAVE A SHORT WINDOW OF HOTNESS LEFT.

IT JUST GOT MY MIND OFF OF IT AND IT'S LIKE

IT MADE ME BE A BETTER-- BETTER FOR MY KIDS.

LIKE, I WASN'T, LIKE, AT HOME, CRYING. YOU KNOW, I WAS OUT.

- I'M ALL FOR NOT HOME, CRYING.

- WE'VE GOT A LOT TO TALK ABOUT. - WE REALLY DO.

- WE DO.

- WHO'S THIS? - DANA.

- HOW ARE YOU? - HI, HONEY.

- YOU LOOK AWESOME. - THANK YOU.

- YOU HAVE TO TAKE ME SHOPPING, SERIOUSLY.

- LOOK AT THOSE BEAUTIFUL GLASSES.

- THEY WERE $25,000. - THEY'RE UNBELIEVABLE.

- THEY'RE, LIKE, FOUR CARATS OF DIAMONDS,

AND THEN THEY'RE GOLD PYTHON AND THEY'RE MADE OF GOLD.

- I'D HATE TO LOSE THOSE.

I THINK SPENDING $25,000 ON A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES IS ASININE.

- OKAY, I'M LOVING THE SUNGLASSES.

- DID YOU KNOW? $25,000. [laughs]

- INSANE. - THAT'S RIGHT.

I'VE GOT INSECURITY ISSUES, APPARENTLY. [laughs]

- WAIT, CAN I TRY THEM ON JUST TO SAY--

- YEAH, NO, TOTALLY.

- I PUT ON A $25,000 PAIR OF SUNGLASSES?

- IT'S FOUR--IT'S--OKAY. THEY'RE GOLD PYTHON.

FOUR CARATS OF DIAMONDS. - AMAZING.

- YOU PAID $25,000 FOR THOSE? - THESE ARE $25,000.

- YEAH, 25 GRAND.

- I WOULDN'T SPEND $25,000 ON SUNGLASSES.

MOST PEOPLE THAT HAVE A LOT OF MONEY

DON'T REALLY BRAG TOO MUCH ABOUT IT,

AND THAT'S THE HONEST TRUTH.

THEY KIND OF KEEP IT TO THEMSELVES.

WOW. WAIT. LET'S SEE. I DON'T KNOW IF IT FITS ME.

- THEY ACTUALLY LOOK REALLY PRETTY ON YOU.

- THANKS, THANKS.

- I THINK YOU SHOULD GO BUY SOME, CAMILLE. [laughs]

- THEY WERE $25,000.

- LIFT. I THINK YOU LIFT A BIT UP HERE, LIKE THIS,

AND THEN YOU PUT THAT THING IN THERE, LIKE THAT.

THE SHORT BIT THERE.

SO THAT'S-- THIS ONE'S SHORTER THERE,

SO IT'S GOT TO BE THE OTHER ONE.

THEY SAID IT WAS REALLY EASY,

BUT NOT EASY FOR ME ON MY OWN.

EASY FOR YOU TO HELP ME.

IS THAT A LONG BIT OR IS IT SHORTER?

- I DON'T KNOW. - MAX, YOU HAVE TO HELP ME.

THIS IS AN URGENT SITUATION.

- I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS, MOM.

- WELL, YOU THINK I HAVE?

I'M GOING ON TELEVISION IN FRONT OF JUST A FEW MILLION PEOPLE.

SO I WON'T BE ABLE TO GO TO ADRIENNE'S BARBECUE TODAY,

BECAUSE CNN HAS COME TO ME AND ASKED ME IF I'D BE INTERESTED

IN BEING A CORRESPONDENT FOR THE ROYAL WEDDING.

HAVE YOU GOT TO PRESS IT OR SOMETHING?

- SOMETHING LIKE THAT. - IS THAT IT?

- I THINK SO. I DON'T KNOW. IT LOOKS FINE.

- BUT PRESS IT. - I DID PRESS IT.

- AAH!

- LISA COMMENTING ON THE ROYAL WEDDING IS A LITTLE QUESTIONABLE

BECAUSE AT MY FORMAL DINNER, SHE BRINGS GIGGY, WHO I LOVE.

OH!

BUT HE'S DRINKING OUT OF BEAUTIFUL CHAMPAGNE GLASSES

AND I DON'T KNOW IF THAT'S PROPER ETIQUETTE AT THAT POINT.

- SO WHAT TIME'S YOUR SEGMENT?

- OH, NOW. I THINK IN 15 MINUTES.

- ALL RIGHT.

- HI. - HI, GUYS.

YOU CAN SIT HERE FOR A QUICK TOUCH-UP BEFORE OUR HIT.

- OKAY, MY HAIR'S GOT SOME CLIP-IN THING.

OKAY, I LIKE IT A BIT-- I DON'T LIKE IT TOO, UM--

- NO, IT'S OKAY. I WAS JUST KIND OF--

- DO YOU MIND IF I DO IT A BIT? - ABSOLUTELY. GO RIGHT AHEAD.

- GOSH, I HATE THIS LIGHTING.

NO? - I MEAN--

- I MEAN, IF I LOOK LIKE THIS, REALLY, I'M NOT GOING ON ANYWAY.

- SO, LISA, AT 2:00 SHARP,

THAT'S LIVE WITH SHOWBIZ TONIGHT.

GIGGY CAN COME ON WITH YOU. WE'VE HAVE GIGGY IN THE SHOT.

- GIGGY.

- [laughs] GIGGY IS WEARING A MATCHING OUTFIT.

- COME ON, GIGS. YOU'RE ON.

- OKAY, WE'RE OFF. - HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

- HEY, HI. - NICE TO MEET YOU. A PLEASURE.

- BIG FAN. HOW ARE YOU? - THANK YOU. WHO'S THIS?

- THIS IS GIGOLO. - OH, MY GOD.

- I DON'T WATCH HIS SHOWS,

BUT I THINK HE'S SOME KIND OF THERAPIST OR SEX THERA--HMM!

WILL YOU, UM, GET YOUR TWITTER FOLLOWERS

TO FOLLOW ME THROUGH THE WEDDING?

'CAUSE YOU'VE GOT, LIKE, MILLIONS.

AND I'VE GOT... - SURE, SURE, SURE.

- AND HIM AS WELL, 'CAUSE HE'S COMMENTATING ON--

WE'RE DOING THE WHOLE SEGMENT.

- HE'S COMMENTATING?

- YEAH, HE'S GOT A LOT TO SAY.

- SO I'VE GOT TO FOLLOW HIM AS WELL?

- YEAH. HE'S VERY GOOD AT TELEVISION.

HE DOESN'T DO RADIO.

I HAVEN'T ACTUALLY SEEN DR. DREW'S TWITTER,

BUT I'VE HEARD IT'S RATHER LARGE.

- SO TAG HIM WITH MY @WHATEVER.

- OKAY, AND THEN YOU'LL FOLLOW ME.

- AND I'LL LOOK FOR IT REAL CAREFULLY, SO--

- OKAY, PERFECT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- OKAY. SEE YOU. - ALL RIGHT, BYE.

OKAY, WE'RE OFF.

OKAY, LET'S DO IT NOW.

- WE'RE GONNA START DOING SOME FLIPS.

WAIT TILL I SHOW YOU WHAT I CAN DO ON A TRAMPOLINE.

- I'LL TRY BACKWARDS.

I THINK BACKWARDS WILL BE EASIER THAN FRONTWARDS.

- OKAY, COME ON. TAYLOR'S GONNA DO IT NOW.

- I'M KIND OF SCARED. - OKAY.

[laughter]

- OKAY. - WHOO! SHE DID IT.

YEAH! WHOO-HOO!

- YOUR DAUGHTER SAID YOU GUYS MOVED.

WHERE'D YOU GUYS MOVE TO? - WE JUST MOVED. BEL AIR.

- OH, OKAY. FROM WHERE? - BEL AIR.

[laughter]

I LOVE IT UP THERE. - THEY'RE GORGEOUS GIRLS.

I MEAN, REALLY RIDICULOUSLY BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.

- THANK YOU SO MUCH. THANK YOU.

YOUR BOYS ARE BEAUTIFUL TOO. - OH, THANKS.

I'M LIKE, I KNOW. OKAY.

THEY--I LOVE THEM.

AS THEY COME OUT OF THE WATER. AND HE'S GETTING NAKED!

THIS IS WHAT HE DOES AT HOME. NOT GOOD. UH-OH.

NO, JAKEY! JAKEY!

[laughter]

- BRANDI'S SON GETS OUT OF THE POOL, TAKES OFF HIS CLOTHES,

AND JUST PEES ON THE GRASS.

- NO!

[laughter]

AT LEAST IT'S NOT IN THE POOL.

I MEAN, IT COULD BE WORSE, RIGHT?

AWESOME. [laughs]

THAT IS PERFECT.

- HER SON PEES ON THE GRASS AND SHE DOESN'T EVEN CORRECT HIM.

CAN YOU NOT AT LEAST GO UP AND SAY,

"YOU DON'T WHIP OUT YOUR PENIS AT A PARTY

AND PEE ON THE GRASS"?

I MEAN, HELLO. PARENTING 101.

WELL, HE'S CERTAINLY NOT SHY. - NO. MM-MM.

- JUST WHIP IT OUT AND GO. - IT'S BETTER, IF YOU ASK ME.

I DON'T WANT TO, LIKE, SWIM IN A POOL WITH A BUNCH OF KIDS' PISS.

- COMING UP...

- I HAVE TO SAY IT'S A RUMOR.

BIG HANDS, BIG FEET, BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.

[laughter]

IT'S TRUE. I WAS MARRIED TO THAT.

- THE FOOD IS READY. YAY! COME ON. COME ON AND EAT.

- ARE YOU HUNGRY? 'CAUSE THERE'S TONS OF FOOD.

- YES, I AM JUST, UM, YEAH, WE'RE COMING RIGHT NOW.

YEAH. I'M JUST WONDERING WHERE MY SISTER IS.

I'M EMBARRASSED. - SHE'S WHAT?

- SHE SAID SHE WAS COMING. I JUST FEEL BAD.

LIKE, KIM SAID SHE WAS COMING, AND SHE'S NOT HERE.

- WELL, I'VE CALLED TWICE. - I KNOW.

- SO, DO YOU THINK, UM-- - I DON'T KNOW.

I'LL CALL AND CHECK AGAIN. - YEAH.

- BUT PLEASE DON'T WAIT FOR HER. GO AHEAD AND TAKE CARE--

- NO, WELL, I MEAN... - YEAH, JUST DO WHAT YOU--

DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. - YEAH. SO COME EAT, THOUGH.

- OKAY, OKAY. - THERE'S TONS OF FOOD.

- BASED ON KIM'S HISTORY OF NOT SHOWING UP,

I DIDN'T WANT TO HOLD MY BREATH.

- SHE SAID THAT SHE'S COMING.

SHE TOLD THEM AND TOLD HER THEY'RE ALL COMING.

[line ringing]

- HELLO. - YOU'RE THERE.

ARE YOU COMING? - YEAH.

OH, MY GOSH, NO. MY PHONE DIED.

I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS. - WHAT?

- I--IT FELT AWK-- IT--I DIDN'T HAVE ANY KIDS.

IT FELT AWKWARD COMING TO A--

KIDS, MOON BOUNCE, HOT DOGS, WITH NO KIDS.

- I MEAN, YOU CAN JUST COME YOURSELF.

- WELL, NO, I-I WOULD FEEL LIKE, WITHOUT MY KIDS, LIKE--

- WELL, I WISH YOU WOULD HAVE TOLD EVERYONE. OKAY.

ADRIENNE THINKS YOU'RE COMING WITH ALL YOUR KIDS.

- TELL ADRIENNE I'LL CALL HER AND--

LAST MINUTE. I WAS ALL DRESSED AND READY TO GO...

- MM-HMM. - AND KIMBERLY CALLED.

AND SHE WAS THE ONLY ONE I REALLY THOUGHT WAS GONNA COME.

- TELL HER YOURSELF, THOUGH.

YOU NEED TO CALL HER AND TELL HER.

- WHAT? - YOU CALL HER YOURSELF, THOUGH.

BUT I'LL TELL HER TOO, BUT YOU CALL HER.

- CALL WHO? - ADRIENNE.

- OH, YEAH, I'M GOING TO. - OKAY, OKAY.

LOVE YOU. BYE. I GOTTA GO. - OKAY, LOVE YOU, LOVE YOU.

- I'VE HAD TO KIND OF TAKE A STEP BACK FROM MY SISTER'S LIFE

A LITTLE BIT, AND THERE ARE TIMES I WANT TO SAY TO HER,

"WHY AREN'T YOU COMING TO HIS EVENT?

WHY AREN'T YOU SHOWING UP?"

IT'S A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS.

- WHOO! WATER.

JOHN, DON'T RUIN ADRIENNE'S GRASS.

I DON'T WANT TO GET IN TROUBLE.

- WOW, THIS LOOKS AMAZING. - OH, THANK YOU.

- REALLY, THAT LOOKS AMAZING, BERNIE. THANK YOU.

- THANK YOU. I APPRECIATE IT. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, BERNIE. - HEY, WHERE'S LISA?

- SHE'S DOING THE ROYAL WEDDING, RIGHT?

SHE SAID HAD SOMETHING TO DO.

- HER ROCKING CHAIR'S BROKEN.

THERE'S NO PLACE FOR HER TO SIT.

- DO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU? - NO.

- OKAY.

- OKAY, YOU KNOW WHY BERNIE IS UPSET?

'CAUSE SHE BROUGHT THE DOG TO THE TABLE.

- WELL--

YOU KNOW, IT JUST MADE ME FEEL A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE.

I WAS WATCHING THE DOG LICKING OUT OF YOUR CRYSTAL.

I MEAN, I LOVE LISA, BUT THAT MADE ME FEEL...

- LITTLE ODD. - YEAH, IT WAS.

- HAVE YOU GOT, LIKE, AN EARPIECE FOR GIGGY,

SO HE KNOWS WHAT'S GOING ON?

OKAY, GOOD, THANK YOU. [overlapping chatter]

OF COURSE, I'VE BEEN ON CAMERA MANY TIMES BEFORE IN MY LIFE,

BUT, UH, THIS IS GONNA BE DIFFERENT

BECAUSE IT'S GONNA BE LIVE AND IT'S CNN,

SO OF COURSE THERE'S SOME PRESSURE.

- HI THERE, EVERYONE, I'M BROOKE ANDERSON IN HOLLYWOOD,

AND THIS IS A SHOWBIZ SPECIAL EVENT--THE ROYAL WEDDING.

WE NEED TO ASK THE QUESTION,

WHAT CAN KATE LEARN FROM DIANA'S LEGACY?

- WELL, I THINK WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT IS THE FACT

THAT SHE'S GOT TO, UM, KEEP THAT ATTAINABILITY,

THAT APPROACHABILITY THAT PRINCESS DIANA HAD

THAT MADE HER SO LOVED.

- UM, BUT I DON'T THINK YOU CAN EVER REALLY PREPARE

FOR THE OUTRAGEOUS, ALL-CONSUMING MEDIA FRENZY

THAT COMES WITH THE TITLE OF PRINCESS,

AND PRINCE WILLIAM HAS SAID

THAT HE IS INCREDIBLY PROTECTIVE OF KATE BECAUSE OF THAT.

- I THINK IT'S A SHAME THAT, YOU KNOW, 14 YEARS ON,

WE REALLY HAVEN'T LEARNED ANYTHING.

I MEAN, WHEN YOU LOOK AT THE WHOLE CATASTROPHE

OF PRINCESS DIANA'S DEATH, THAT WAS LARGELY DUE

TO PAPARAZZI CHASING HER, AND IT HAPPENS NOW.

I MEAN, WHERE I LIVE, IT CONSTANTLY HAPPENS.

THE PAPARAZZI ARE JUMPING ON THE WINDSCREEN.

THEY'RE KIND OF PUTTING CAMERAS IN YOUR FACE SO YOU CAN'T SEE.

IT'S UNACCEPTABLE, BUT WHAT DO WE DO?

I MEAN, WHEN, YOU KNOW, THEY'RE OFFERING SO MUCH MONEY

FOR THESE PICTURES, IT-- IT'S--IT'S HARD TO SOLVE.

- LISA VANDERPUMP, ALWAYS GOOD TO SEE A FRIEND.

THANKS. YOU'RE A NATURAL. - GOOD TO SEE YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, I WANT TO INVITE ALL OF YOU

TO ENJOY A FRONT-ROW SEAT TO THE ROYAL WEDDING

RIGHT HERE ON SHOWBIZ TONIGHT AND HLN.

- [clapping] - [snoring]

[overlapping chatter]

- KENNEDY, NO RUNNING.

- CAN WE MAKE SURE THAT TAYLOR ATE SOMETHING?

- I TRIED TO GET HER TO DO THAT. - SHE IS COMPLETELY VANISHING.

- SHE'S NOT--

- I TOLD HER EARLIER, SHE'S ON THE DIVORCE DIET.

SHE'S LIKE, UM, "YOU'RE SMALLER THAN ME." I SAID--

- WHAT DOES THE DIVORCE DIET MEAN?

- WHEN YOU'RE GETTING A DIVORCE, LIKE, YOU EAT ALL DAY LONG,

BUT YOU GET REALLY SKINNY 'CAUSE YOU'RE JUST LIKE--

- SHE'S NOT GETTING A DIVORCE. IS SHE GETTING A DIVORCE?

- I THINK SHE'S GOING TO, AFTER OUR CONVERSATION.

[laughs]

- WHAT DID SHE SAY? - WHAT DID SHE SAY?

- YEAH, I'D LOVE TO KNOW.

- SHE SAID THAT THEY'RE WORKING ON IT,

AND SHE'S DOING IT FOR HER CHILD.

SHE'S WORKING ON HER MARRIAGE FOR HER DAUGHTER.

- HERE SHE COMES. - YEAH.

- TAYLOR, DARLING, EVERYONE'S CONCERNED YOU HAVEN'T EATEN.

HAVE YOU EATEN?

- I ATE A HAMBURGER AND A HOT DOG.

- THANK GOD, BECAUSE LET'S JUST PUT THAT TO BED RIGHT NOW.

- SO THERE YOU GO.

- JUST SO YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS, SERIOUSLY,

SHE EATS A TON WITH ME, AND I LOOK HEAVY,

AND SHE LOOKS SKINNY, SO THEN EVERYONE'S LIKE,

"OH, SHE'S GOT--" - ANXIETY.

IT'S THE DIVORCE DIET.

- WELL, I GUESS 'CAUSE I'M HAPPILY MARRIED,

THAT'S WHY I'M NOT-- NO ONE'S CONCERNED

ABOUT WHETHER I GOT MY FOOD OR NOT TODAY.

- WE'RE--LISTEN. - [laughs]

NOBODY SEEMS TO WORRY ABOUT ME.

- DID YOU GET AHOLD OF HER? - WHAT?

- DID YOU GET AHOLD OF HER? - UH, YEAH. SHE'S NOT COMING.

I'M SO SORRY, ADRIENNE. - REALLY?

- I'M SO SORRY. - WHAT HAPPENED?

- SHE SAID SHE FELT BAD COMING WITHOUT HER KIDS,

SO I'M SORRY. - REALLY?

- SHE SAID SHE WAS GONNA CALL YOU TO, UH--

- NO BIG DEAL. I MEAN, I DON'T CARE.

UM, HI, HONEY.

- SHE'S GETTING MARRIED. - I AM GETTING MARRIED.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I SUCKERED HIM INTO IT, BUT YEAH.

- WHEN ARE YOU GETTING MARRIED? - UM, NEXT JUNE.

- WOW. - IN FRANCE, IN A CASTLE.

- SO WHY ARE YOU WAITING SO LONG?

IF IT WERE ME, I WOULD JUST BE LIKE,

LIKE, LET'S BOOM, GO.

- NO, THAT'S NOT HOW I AM. OKAY, HERE'S MY DEAL.

I'M DOING, LIKE, A SUPER MEGA-WEDDING.

I'M RENTING OUT A CASTLE. IT'LL BE RIGHT OUTSIDE OF PARIS.

- WOW. - I KNOW.

LIKE, I'M STILL TRYING TO BE A PRINCESS.

- IT'S GONNA BE REALLY FUN.

- THAT'S COOL. ARE WE INVITED? - YEAH, YOU ARE.

- WELL, YOU ARE A PRINCESS. - THANK YOU.

- WHO'S DESIGNING YOUR GOWN?

- PEOPLE DO HAVE WEDDINGS THAT EXTRAVAGANT

WHEN THEY'RE, YOU KNOW, THE PRINCE AND PRINCESS,

A KING OR QUEEN.

[laughs]

[overlapping chatter]

- LOVEBEAM. - HI.

- HI, HONEY. SO HAPPY YOU GOT TO COME BY.

- I MADE IT, I MADE IT.

I GOT OFF WORK JUST EARLY ENOUGH.

- OH, LOOK WHO'S HERE. I KNEW YOU'D MAKE IT.

- OH, I KNEW YOU'D COME. - IS HE GONNA JUMP IN THE POOL?

NO! ON A KID. - DID YOU SEE THAT?

- I THINK HE'S SO FUN. - THAT'S MY HONEY.

SOME REASON, WHEN HE TAKES OFF THAT SHIRT,

IT JUST DOESN'T LOOK LIKE MAURICIO.

[laughter]

- OKAY, SO YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED.

- OKAY, SO I'M GETTING MARRIED.

SHE'S GONNA HAVE A PARTY SO CAN WE FIND MEN FOR YOU ONE NIGHT.

SO WE'LL SIT YOU DOWN, AND WE'LL, LIKE, BRING THEM TO YOU,

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "HOW ABOUT THIS ONE?"

[laughs] BECAUSE YOU KNOW I'LL DO IT.

- AND SHE REALLY WILL. - I REALLY WILL.

I'LL BE LIKE, "THIS IS DAN. HIS NAME IS--

HE'S 38 YEARS OLD. HE THINKS HE'S GOOD-LOOKING."

- MY MOM USED TO SAY THAT TO ME. OH, GOD.

FORGIVE ME FOR SAYING THIS, BUT SHE GOES,

"IF HE'S GOT A BIG--THERE'S THINGS, LIKE, THEY CAN FIX.

THERE ARE CERTAIN THINGS THEY CAN'T FIX."

I HAVE TO SAY IT'S A RUMOR.

BIG HANDS, BIG FEET, BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.

[laughter]

IT'S TRUE. I WAS MARRIED TO THAT.

THEY DON'T ALWAYS-- BIG DISAPPOINTMENT.

- IS THAT CODE WORD FOR SOMETHING ELSE?

- COCK.

- OH, WOW!

- I WAS HOPING IT WAS GONNA BE FOLLOWED BY A DOODLE-DOO.

WELL, WHO WOULD HAVE EVER THOUGHT

WE WOULD HAVE THESE KINDS OF CONVERSATIONS

WITH A BABY BOTTLE AT THE TABLE?

- I THINK THAT WORD'S USED, UH, QUITE FREQUENTLY,

BUT I THINK IT'S PRETTY FUNNY TO SEE KYLE SQUIRM.

- COMING UP...

- I GET THAT FEELING THAT YOU GUYS THINK

I'M LIKE A SUPER SLUT, BUT I'M REALLY NOT.

- NO.

- I DO NOW, NOW THAT YOU SAID THAT.

[overlapping chatter]

- BUT YOU KNOW GUYS TALK LIKE THIS,

EVEN TEN TIMES WORSE, ALL THE TIME.

- NO, THEY DON'T. - THEY--ARE YOU JOKING?

- I SWEAR TO GOD, WOMEN ARE WORSE.

- I'VE HEARD GUYS. - THEY'RE BAD.

- OH, MY GOD. - WOMEN ARE WORSE.

- WHAT ARE NAMES THAT ARE APPROPRIATE FOR PENIS?

I DON'T KNOW.

- YOU KNOW, I--I JUST TEND TO CALL THINGS

THEIR ANATOMICAL NAME.

- WIENER. - THE MAMMER-JAMMER.

- ANNOYING. - PENIS WORKS FOR ME.

PENIS IS GOOD.

- SHERMAN.

[overlapping chatter]

- IS THAT CODE WORD FOR SOMETHING ELSE?

- COCK. - WOW!

- THAT WAS A LITTLE INAPPROPRIATE.

I JUST FIND HER TO BE TACKY.

I DON'T LIKE THE WORDS SHE USES.

I AM NOT GOOD AT HIDING IT.

- THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT I AM JUST BALLS TO THE WALL.

- I KNOW YOU GUYS ALL THINK I'M SUPER SLUT.

I'M REALLY NOT. - I'M REALLY SORRY.

- OH, MY VIRGIN EARS.

- WE ALL THINK YOU'RE WHAT? - A SUPER SLUT?

- PROJECT MUCH?

- NO. - NO.

- A SUPER SLUT?

- WELL, I JUST-- I GET THAT FEELING

THAT YOU GUYS THINK I'M, LIKE, A SUPER SLUT, BUT I'M REALLY--

- NO, NOT AT ALL.

- I DON'T KNOW YOU WELL ENOUGH TO MAKE ANY...

- I JUST MET YOU SO-- - OH, GOOD, WELL, THANK YOU.

- HOW CAN I THINK THAT WHEN I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW, I JUST-- I'VE SEEN SOME EYE-ROLLS

AND COUPLE OF THINGS, AND LIKE--

- I DIDN'T THINK YOU'RE A SLUT, BUT I DO NOW,

NOW THAT YOU SAID THAT.

- WE ALL HAVE BEEN EYE-ROLLING.

- WE ALL SAY STUPID THINGS.

BRANDI JUST HAPPENED TO SAY THEM

A LITTLE SOONER THAN THE REST OF US.

- I THINK PEOPLE--IT'S OKAY. PEOPLE EYE-ROLL AT ME TOO.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU JUST,

YOU JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE, MAN.

GO AHEAD, EYE-ROLL RIGHT NOW.

- MAYBE IT'S YOUR LANGUAGE. MAYBE THAT'S THE PROBLEM.

- YEAH, SO YOU HAVE TO...

- I STARTED THINKING I SHOULD HOLD MY EYES REALLY STILL,

BECAUSE I--MAYBE I WAS ROLLING MY EYES.

I MEAN, SHE WAS SAYING SOME EYE-ROLLING WORTHY THINGS.

- LOOK AT THE TWO MEN, STILL STANDING.

THERE YOU GO. - YEAH, WE'RE STILL STANDING.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU MISSED JOHN, MY FIANCE.

HE WANTED TO MEET YOU GUYS, BUT NOW HE'S ON THE ROAD AGAIN.

- THEY'RE GETTING MARRIED NEXT JUNE.

- WHAT DOES HE DO? - NOT THIS--WAIT.

- HE'S AN INVESTMENT BANKER.

ACTUALLY, HE DOESN'T REALLY DO ANYTHING, HONESTLY.

HE JUST GOES AWAY FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME.

I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT HE'S DOING, HONESTLY.

- BASICALLY, HE HAS GIRLS ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

- BRANDI'S JOKE WENT OVER LIKE A LEAD BALLOON.

- SHAME ON YOU! - I'M JUST SAYING.

- SHAME ON YOU!

- NO, YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, THOUGH.

- DANA'S VISIBLE REACTION WAS, UH, MAYBE OVERLY-DEFENSIVE,

'CAUSE I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE LAUGHED IT OFF

AND GO, "AH, THAT'S NO BIG DEAL."

- HE WENT TO BOSTON TO SEE, UM, HIS SON.

AND THEN HIS MOM IS DYING OF CANCER,

SO HE'S GOING TO NEW YORK TO SEE HER FOR A WEEK.

SO THAT'S WHERE HE IS. SO HE'S NOT SCREWING AROUND,

BUT HE'S JUST DOING THAT.

- BUT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T KNOW BEFORE.

THAT'S THE ONLY REASON I SAID THAT.

- OKAY. - I'M SORRY FOR MY COMMENT.

- WE'RE ALL HUMAN. - SO SORRY.

- AT TIMES, WE ALL SAY THINGS WE WISH WE HADN'T SAID.

- ANYWAY-- - YOU'LL GET OVER IT.

I'LL GET OVER IT. YOU'LL ALL GET OVER WHAT I SAY.

- WELL, THERE BRANDI GOES,

PUTTING HER FOOT IN HER MOUTH AGAIN.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED TO HER OTHER FOOT.

- FOR YOU GUYS, APPARENTLY, I'M A LITTLE OBNOXIOUS,

BUT YOU TAKE IT OR YOU LEAVE IT.

- WHERE'S MY BABY? [laughs]

- NEXT ON THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS...

- I WAS A LITTLE WORRIED BECAUSE KIM MIGHT BE WASTED.

- WOW, ARE THESE DOMINOES? GAME NIGHT AT DANA'S HOUSE.

[doorbell rings] - IS THAT YOUR SISTER MAYBE?

- PLEASE LET IT BE.

- UM, I'M GONNA USE THE LADIES ROOM REALLY QUICK.

- I'VE HAD MY FAIR SHARE OF INTERACTION

WITH PEOPLE THAT ARE ON DRUGS.

- CAN I PLEASE DO ONE THING BY MYSELF?

- YOUR SISTER IS--IS WASTED OUT OF HER [bleep] MIND.

- SHE'S NOT WASTED!

[overlapping arguing]

WATCH YOUR [bleep] MOUTH!

- TO LEARN MORE ABOUT THE HOUSEWIVES,

GO TO BRAVOTV.COM.

Captioning by Marsha at CaptionMax www.captionmax.com