Original subtitles

TEXT ALERT

HE SIGHS

It is so hot tonight.

I think I might melt like an ice cream.

Look, I'm sorry about the time, Thomas. I'm finished now.

I don't shut till 10:30.

I don't mind how long you stay.

It's good to know there is someone else for her to stare at.

Pardon? Her.

She leaves for Paris tomorrow, and I will not be sad to see her go.

Yeah. Hathor's on tour.

The goddess of intoxication. Ah!

The story goes that the sun god Ra ordered her to destroy all humanity

because of their bad behaviour. Oh. Mon Dieu.

But just at the last minute, Ra changed his mind.

So he decided to flood a field with beer and he dyed it red,

so she thought she was gorging on the blood of humankind,

but actually she was getting very, very drunk.

Humanity was saved by a hangover.

Also, rumour has it that every Hathor statue is cursed.

Oh.

Well, like I said, I will be glad to see her leaving.

HORN HONKS Oh.

Looks like your young man is here for you.

Oh, no, no. He's not me young man.

He's just a really good friend.

Yeah, well, thanks, Thomas. Good night.

HE CHUCKLES Just good friends, huh? Mm.

ALARM

# Do you remember the first time

# That my eyes set on you?

# Your smile came from nowhere

# For sometime never Or sometime soon

# The road is a long one

# I was only passing through

# I was only passing through. #

It's dead exciting, isn't it?

Even better than the ones on the telly.

Although I wish I'd dressed up a bit now, you know?

What do you mean?

Well, when you see an auction on the telly,

the punters all get dressed up, don't they? Have their hair done.

But you're not on the telly.

It's not about being on the telly, is it?

It's out of respect for all the stuff.

I blame you for his recent interest in boxes of rubbish.

Treasure, Glo, not rubbish.

Thank you so much for this, Jean.

With Jeremy's birthday next week, I just didn't know what to buy him.

Well, when I saw that box of Victorian ephemera,

I thought that'll perfect for Jeremy's phantasmagoria room.

Oh, Gloria, I meant to tell you,

thank you so much for letting us use your van.

Oh, you're welcome, love.

Mind you, I've no idea where I'm gonna put that.

Oh, Jean, by the way,

when can I pick up my sapphire necklace?

Nancy's daughter's getting married tomorrow.

It's supposed to be her something borrowed.

Anytime. It's at the shop. Oh, marvellous.

Oh, Jean, I've always wanted to do this.

Can I do the bidding? Fill your boots.

How terribly rude.

You'd never see that happen on the television.

Merci. Et voila.

Oh, my God!

Mum?!

Hey, can I help you to sort through the treasure?

If you want. You have found treasure?

Not really. It's not the best morning we've ever had.

Athenian red figure. This is not bad at all, Jean

530 BC. This is everything?

Just a few more boxes. It's dead exciting, isn't it?

Oh, hello, Simone.

Don't worry, love. Let's call it even.

I'm not here for you.

But I am parched. I could murder an espresso.

Oh. Er... I will make some coffee.

I will help you.

Jean, I need a big favour. And I think you owe me one

after practically accusing me of murder last year.

OK. Right, remember our mums lived round the corner from one another?

Yeah. Of course. OK, now keep up.

This is the box of Victorian ephemera

that I won at the auction this morning.

So what's that got to do with our mums?

I'm coming to that. Well, everyone knows that I'm the only one

who collects the weird stuff round here.

And they've slipped something into the box to send me a message.

What?

Me mum's ring.

What? That's your mum's actual ring?

Yes, it's a warning.

Someone at home's after me through me mum.

Are you sure it's her ring? Absolutely.

Look, it's got her initial on the front. V for Vera.

And... get your loupe. Oh. Hang on.

Look on the inside of the ring.

"Sing as we go." Is that the Gracie Fields song?

Rochdale's finest and me mum's favourite.

Me dad bought it her years ago.

Oh. Erm... I don't understand.

It's a warning. And I know exactly who it is.

An old enemy of mine's just got out the clink

back in Manchester,

and it's gonna take me a few days to put him back in his box.

Me cousin's bringing Mum out now.

She won't fly, so it'll take ages on the ferry.

She needs to be with me till I sort my dear old friend out.

And? Well, the thing is,

she doesn't know about my, erm, business interests.

Go on. She, erm...

thinks I run an antique shop.

Oh. Oh, I see.

You want to pretend that you run my antique shop?

Bingo! Oh, is that all?

No protection? No extortion? I'm not an animal, Jean.

But if you do this one thing for me, we'll call it even.

Well, that's an offer I can't refuse.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS Oh. Excuse me.

Hi. Yeah, yeah, I know it well.

Right. I'll... I'll be right there. OK.

That was Caron. There's been an incident at the library.

Can you give me a lift? Oh, Madeline's at home.

I can drop you off to collect her if you like. Oh, right.

OK. Erm... So, erm, Mr John Marsden here

will be doing a bit of work experience today.

So, erm, if you could just show him the ropes, ladies,

that would be great. Thank you.

Give my regards to Karen. Yeah.

It is pronounced Caron.

I know, sweetheart, just having a laugh.

Hmm. Oh, she's not worked a till since the Firtree pub

when she was on salad bar.

CAMERA CLICKS

What on earth's going on?

Thomas was attacked, Jean.

No!

Why? Is he all right?

He is fighting for his life.

Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

This could ruin Sainte-Victoire Library.

What do you mean?

We have destroyed one of the rarest figures in Egyptology.

"We" haven't destroyed anything. That's how they will see it.

Now, listen to me, Suzanne.

We're gonna find out who is responsible

for this horrific act of sabotage. Do you hear me?

And we're gonna find out who hurt Thomas. Look...

..let's just decide that Thomas is gonna be OK.

And in a couple of months' time, he'll be back in here

stinking the place out with his Roquefort, as usual.

Thank you, Jean.

I'll come back later and check on you. OK?

I think she's in shock. What about you?

I think I'm in shock. Thomas is such a sweetheart.

Which is all the more reason

we need to find out who is responsible for this.

Yeah. Thank you.

MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES

Caron?

I really want to give you a hug. Well, nobody's watching.

Come here.

Yours, I believe. Er, yes, yes. Thank you. Thank you.

I love watching you do that. What?

That twisty thing you do when you pin your hair up in the morning.

It's dead, erm, chic.

SHE SNIGGERS

That's the first time I've been called chic in my entire life.

Well, it will not be the last time, Jean White.

Jean, we have some information. Can you come to the station with me?

Yes. Yes, of course. Of course. Yes.

Oh, yes, I better get back to work. I'll speak to you later, Jean, yeah?

Yeah.

A neighbour was returning from his night shift

and saw an orange moped driving away from the library

at midnight last night.

So this is the CCTV?

Not from near the library, but round the corner.

It is registered to a Gaynor Smith. English.

She's 18 years old and lives in university halls.

Right. So, erm, how can I help?

I need to interview her, but I don't want to bring her in.

I think a less formal approach might be more successful.

Teenage girls have never been my strong point.

Even when I was a teenage boy.

Oh, you want me to come with you? Oh! Of course. No problem.

Well, back through the mists of time,

I once was a teenage girl myself. Ha! Come on, then.

'Hello?' Police.

'Oh. You better come in.'

DOOR BUZZES

Hello. I am Inspector Caron. This is my colleague, Jean White.

Can we come in? Oui.

Nous nous sentons un peu fragiles.

They are a bit fragile. Hm. No kidding.

We both speak English.

That would be easier for my colleague. Thank you.

Your names, please. Nellie Ocase.

Gaynor Smith.

A serious crime was committed last night.

And a bike that is registered to you, Gaynor,

was seen near the scene at midnight.

Oh. She's gone. Cindy is gone. Oh, God.

Who's Cindy? My bike. That's her name.

Cindy's been stolen. So your bike has been stolen?

Clearly, yes. My mum's gonna go mad. It was parked right out there.

Where were you last night?

We had a date with a couple of bottles of vodka.

Bacon sandwich, white bread and a pint of tea.

Pardon? Best hangover cure ever.

I'm a vegetarian.

SHE RETCHES

Can you prove where you were? Yes.

Here.

Looks like you had a good night.

Ah. After midnight. Hmm.

This is my card. If you could send me those photos,

I will be able to eliminate you from my inquiries.

OK.

We will see ourselves out. Thank you.

RETCHING

Thanks for getting us out of there.

I was starting to feel a bit queasy meself.

Mmm.

I think I'll go and talk to Suzanne, see how she's doing.

Good idea. TEXT ALERT

I will double check the CCTV pictures. Keep me updated.

Oh, could you forward me that picture, please?

Of course. Thanks.

LAUGHTER You're an absolute scream, Charlie.

I was just going to say the same, Monsieur Marsden.

Not what I expected at all.

Oh. And we have your lovely Simone in common.

Eh, Simone. Tell your Charlie about our high-vis vest scam.

I'm not sure I can remember. Got us in everywhere.

Er, she certainly did, cos I remember saying,

"How do you make neon nylon look so good?"

And you said...

You say that all of the time. Does she?

Aw, that's what I loved most about Simone, the way she owned it.

Or not, as the case may be. THEY LAUGH

ENTRANCE BELL JANGLES

Merci.

Why don't you two bob out for a spot of lunch.

I can look after things here.

Oh, that is so kind of you. Are you sure?

Yeah, course I'm sure. Off you pop. OK, I'll grab my bag.

I'm not too sure we should leave the shop.

Now, now, Simone, you above anyone should know

I've looked after bigger business than this.

Have a belter of a lunch

and I'll take care of everything here.

Yeah. Ah! There is just one thing.

These are the returns from the workshop.

This necklace will be collected by a lady called Judith Lloyd-James.

It is very important to her. No problem.

Merci. I'm so relieved I did not forget.

Believe me, she is not somebody you want to be on the wrong side of.

Well, thanks for the heads up.

So we're at a dead end unless we find out who stole that moped.

Who'd steal an orange moped? What?

It's a bit obvious, innit? What do you mean?

Well, if you're gonna nick a moped,

surely you'd choose one that was a bit less... conspicuous.

Ooh, get you, Detective Dom.

Been knocking about with you. Bound to rub off at some point.

Is that right?

Come on.

Oh. Thank you. Thanks. Thanks.

Ta.

How are you doing?

Not good.

I just spoke to Thomas' family. They are at the hospital now.

I don't know what his wife Maureen would do if he...

Let's think back over the past few weeks.

Now, is there anyone Thomas could have upset?

Well, Thomas could be very verbose, as you know.

And he was a stickler for details.

His visitors book had to be just so.

Could I have a look at the visitors book, please?

Yeah, of course.

See. Black ink only.

Everything in the correct column.

Mais oui. I forgot. Dr Aligiah.

He's a renowned Egyptologist at the university.

He brought a group of students to look at the statue,

and one of them started to shout about how disgusting it was

for the Louvre to steal precious items from Egypt.

So what happened?

Thomas tried to calm him down,

but the student kept shouting in Thomas's face

about giving back the stolen goods.

Well, the restitution of artefacts is a very touchy subject.

It got very heated,

and Dr Aligiah quickly gathered his group up and left.

Hm. Have you got his contact details?

He should be at the university if you want to ask him about it.

Do you think one of his students could have done such a thing?

I don't know. But I'm gonna find out.

You've got very good taste. My nan had one of these.

Now, let's get it wrapped up for you.

A positive plethora of...

Both of you, behind the counter. You're in charge.

I see you.

I'll wait out here for you. You sure?

Yeah. I want to give Claudie a ring. The time difference is about right.

Plus, universities

always make me feel a bit... less than, you know?

How do you mean? Full of posh people, aren't they?

Don't be daft! I went to one.

And you know all that stuff about astronomy

and every lyric of every song that's ever been written.

Yeah, but that's not clever, clever, is it?

That's just cos I had a karaoke compering job

when I was younger.

Leaves an indelible mark on the subconscious.

See? I think you're dead clever.

Yeah. Thanks.

Right, see you later.

Gotcha.

Thank you for seeing me, Dr Aligiah.

Oh, you caught me between lectures. Oh, so you lecture in Egyptology?

Yes. Specifically on the importance of deities.

Sorry, I'm Jean White. I'm a specialist in antiques.

And sometimes I help the police out with their inquiries.

Police? Yeah.

Erm, do you remember the security guard at the library

when you took your students to see the Hathor statue on tour last week.

How can I forget it?

The students had been told to keep the politics neutral for the day

and concentrate on the history.

It was so embarrassing.

But surely the police do not need to get involved.

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but last night

that security guard was found unconscious

after a vicious attack. What?

And, erm, in the attack,

the Hathor statue was found irreversibly damaged.

Hathor? I mean, this is... This is tragic.

Er, both of these things, utterly tragic.

Erm, do you have a list of the students

that attended the library last week?

Well, like the subject I teach, I am also a little historic.

I keep paper copies of everything. Er, here we are.

A list of the students who attended. Oh, great.

Can I keep this? Of course.

Right.

Thank you. Is that your son? Oh, yes. Matteo.

I'm very proud. He's doing his PhD on Egypt and their stolen treasures.

He was with me that day at the library.

He did get quite passionate,

but he'd never do anything like this.

Mm. And is that your daughter?

No. She's his girlfriend.

'She, too, is studying at university.'

Oh. Well, thank you. You're welcome.

Listen, right, I've gotta go, Claudie.

I'll speak to you in a bit. All right. Bye. Love you. Bye.

A girl who lives at the university halls,

who was being sassy with Caron this morning,

and Dr Aligiah's son are in a relationship.

What? Yeah.

I just saw a picture of them together on his desk.

The girl's hair's a bit longer now, but it's definitely her now.

Now, she's got a bedroom next door to Nellie and Gaynor,

the girls who had the moped nicked.

So the girls with the moped, the stolen one...

Yeah. Just drive. I'll break it down on the way.

MARSDEN ON VOICEMAIL: 'Hello, darlings. Slight hiccup.

'Some cheeky monkey has swiped Mrs Lloyd-James's sapphire necklace

'from under my nose.

'But don't worry, I'm just about to get it back.

'Stall your friend for me. I won't be a tick.'

Oh, mon Dieu. C'est Judith.

Now, remember, Marsden, don't go mad.

You've just had this cleaned.

HE CHUCKLES

Hi-ya! Ha!

Ah! Hello again.

Erm, we were just wondering, do you know where your neighbour is?

Lily? She's probably at her boyfriend's. Matteo.

Erm, well, actually, it was Matteo we wanted to talk to

concerning the theft of Gaynor's moped.

What? Really?

So, erm, do you know where he lives?

Yeah. I'll go write it down for you now. Just give me one moment.

Thank you.

What is that smell?

Students. Oh.

There. Oh. Thank you. Merci.

OK. Bye.

Caron? Yeah. I've got Matteo's address.

How much longer, Charlie? It's nearly 4pm.

I wanted to drop it in to her before the rehearsal dinner.

She's marrying an American, so I've no idea what that is,

but I know it begins soon.

Maybe you'd like some more coffee. Ah! Here is Jean's associate now.

Oh, you must be Judith. Amazing cheekbones.

Sorry about the delay, sweetie,

but I didn't think they'd done a good enough job

for one of Jean's favourite customers. Here you go.

Oh. How thoughtful. Thank you so much. Pleasure.

Hang on.

Weren't you the chap that pipped me to the post this morning

at the auction, denying my husband his birthday present?

That box of Victorian ephemera.

Sorry about that, my love. But let me put that right.

Are you sure? Absolutely.

I've got similar ones already.

Well, thank you so much. My husband will be thrilled.

You must let me pay you something. Sorry, I didn't catch your name.

Oh, I'm John Marsden.

Well, thank you very much, Mr Marsden. Or can I call you John?

You can, yeah. John. John Marsden.

Thanks.

DOOR BELL BUZZES

Jean!

Matteo!

Where were you last night? I was with my girlfriend, Lily,

at the university halls until about midnight.

And she can verify that? Yes. Of course.

This is not the first time I have borrowed Gaynor's scooter

to get home. I've done it lots of times.

If you borrow something without asking the owner,

it is technically stealing. OK. I'm very sorry.

Richard?

Your father says that you're very passionate

about the restitution of artefacts.

You've spoken to my father?

Who did this?

You were seen getting very upset in the library that day.

What? I think you smashed the statue

to sabotage the French ownership of it.

That is not true.

But you didn't expect a night watchman and defended yourself

by nearly murdering him with the paperweight.

No. No, no, no, no. You're wrong.

I would never destroy something so precious.

I need to talk to you about something.

What, now? It's very important.

Richard, start taking his statements, please.

This is a fake.

Look, it's just two pieces stuck together. It's hollow.

What do you mean, "hollow"?

In ancient Egypt...

..the sacred statues were always made in solid bronze.

The hollow casting technique, it didn't come till years later.

I didn't question it before

because I just saw the head had fallen off,

and that can happen to a solid figure.

So where on earth is the real one?

I can hold Matteo on theft of the bike.

We need a search warrant for his flat,

and now I think his father's house.

Maybe they were in it together for the money?

Hm. I can believe passionate sabotage from academics,

but not blatant theft.

I just don't think it's about the money for them.

TEXT ALERT Oh. Excuse me.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm gonna have to go.

Keep me updated, eh? Of course.

Quite clever when you think about it, innit?

How do you mean?

Well, while you lot were concentrating on the sabotage,

the real statue was long gone.

Probably been turned into an ashtray for some dodgy billionaire.

Oh, the horror. Don't even joke about that.

Jean! My sapphire looks wonderful.

John Marsden went above and beyond. And he gave me a gift for Jeremy.

It's the box from the auction this morning.

Wow. This is your lucky day, Judith.

Actually, what is it?

Ah, well, erm, this is a box of...

CLEARS THROAT ..erm, memento mori.

Ooh! What's "memento mori"?

Well, erm, in Victorian times,

it was considered a loving tribute when someone passed away,

erm, that they were photographed with the living.

Oh, no. You mean one of the people in this photograph is dead?

Yeah. They would open up their eyes, prop them up on cushions.

So I just bid good money on pictures of dead people?

Good grief.

You can see this deceased lady here,

she's less blurry because she's completely... still.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Hang on.

Sorry.

Helen. Helen!

Erm, do you mind if we pay someone a visit?

No.

Oh, hello. It's me again.

I wondered if I could have a quick word.

This is my partner, Dom. I mean, my work partner, Dominic.

Yeah. Come in.

How's your head? A bit better.

I heard about Matteo and the statue.

His girlfriend lives next door, you know. Mm.

Is, erm... Is Nellie around.

She nipped to the shops for some hangover munchies. Right.

Do you remember this picture being taken?

I can't really remember much if I'm being totally honest.

It turned into a bit of a big night in. Right.

So, you're left handed?

Yeah. Why?

Well, it's just on this photo,

you're holding your drink in your right hand.

Would you do that often?

God, no. Even drunk. Well, especially when I'm drunk.

I would never use my right hand. How weird. Mm.

See, I'm starting to think that you never used your hand at all.

Pardon?

I think you were drugged, asleep and propped up in a photograph

to provide someone with an alibi.

What?

So, is this Nellie's side of the room?

Yeah.

Well, that's how she picked the lock.

So that wasn't your hairpin I found then. Yours, I believe.

Er, no, love. But you were so chuffed that you found it

I didn't have the heart to tell you that I only used blonde ones.

Gaynor, can you tell me as much as you can remember about last night?

Well, after about 9:45, not a lot, really.

Why specifically 9:45?

Well, our takeout arrived at 9:30. It showed up on my app.

Then we ate and drank more vodka.

But we had loads before. I honestly can't remember much.

Do you mind if we take a quick look around?

Yeah, help yourselves. Great. Dom?

Jean.

Right. I need you to text Nellie.

Tell her the police called about Matteo,

and she needs to get to the police station straightaway

to help Jean and Caron with their inquiries.

OK? Thank you.

Entrez, je vous prie.

Is this something to do with Ma...

Take a seat.

How did you know?

It was some pictures of deceased Victorians that gave me the clue.

I realised that your alibi photo was fake.

You'd put Gaynor's glass in the wrong hand.

And your name was on the visitors list

when you did your little recce.

I missed it first time round

because you used your official name, Helen,

and not your everyday name, Nellie.

I had an Auntie Nelly, you see,

and we only ever called her Helen when she'd been badly behaved.

You must have thanked the heavens when Matteo stole Gaynor's scooter.

The heat was off you, wasn't it?

This is how I think you did it.

'You got your flatmate drunk on vodka

'while I assume you drank water.

'And then when your food arrived, you slipped her a sleeping draught.

'Well, she would never have tasted it eating a curry.

'And when she was dead asleep, around 9:45,

'you stole the scooter and you went to the library,

'knowing full well that Thomas never locked up before 10:30pm.

'So you snuck in, and opened the glass box with a hairpin.

'You then stole the statue

'and intended to replace it with a broken fake one,

'suggesting sabotage.'

'But Thomas caught you.

'So, in a panic, you attacked him.'

I didn't mean that. It was an accident.

An accident that has left a man fighting for his life.

'You then rode back to the dorm and faked the photo,

'implying that you'd been there all night.

'But why?'

We are not going anywhere, Nellie.

Just...

..money.

Simple. I am on my own in the world.

And even with the cheapest accommodation,

I still struggle to make ends meet.

Most students work a part-time job to pay their way.

Most students have other people helping them.

Like I said, I have no one.

I saw the exhibit on the tours in the library every couple of months.

And I thought how easy it would be to steal one.

So I came up with a plan.

I knew this one was coming from the Louvre...

..so I did my research.

And I found a buyer in Paris.

And it was very easy to find a copy online.

And you thought no-one in this backwater town

would ever know the difference.

I never meant to hurt Thomas.

I am truly sorry for that.

Not as sorry as his wife, Maureen.

And the dog says, "Make mine a double."

LAUGHTER

Right, you sit there, ladies. I'm gonna get some drinks in.

Only champagne's good enough for my mum.

Aw.

Have you got any more? No.

A couple of bottles of your finest bubbles, please. Oui.

Hiya!

Not your lucky day, is it, sweetheart?

Aw.

Thank you. What a day!

# Passing through. #