Original subtitles

[ Animal Howling ]

[ Creaking, Howling ]

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Monkeys Chattering ]

[ Birds Cawing ]

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Birds Cawing ]

[ Monkey Chatters ]

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Monkeys Chattering ]

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Chattering, Chirping ]

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Birds Chirping ]

-[ Elephant Trumpets ] - Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover,

slashing prices 'cause we're goin' bananas for Hawaiian week.

Come on down to Exit 1 1 Motor Village.

/'m gonna slash some prices just for you!

Hey, ask anybody. You can trust Dwayne Hoover.

[ Bullets Ricochetting ]

[ Woman On TV] / think we're onto something--

[ Man On TV] The deadly germ anthrax for use as a weapon--

- l-- l-- - ls there something you wanted to say ?

- l'm sorry. - Sorry ?

Sorry / made us order the pepperoni and anchovies.

Your breakfast, Mrs. Hoover.

[ Man On TV] When your stomach is under attack,

fight back with maximum-strength Trypepton.

Now available in new orange flavor.

Soothing, fast relief naturally.

So, now how do you feel?

[ Heavy Breathing ]

-[ Man ] Take my hand -[ Watch Ticking ]

/'m a stranger in paradise

/'m lost in a wonderland

A stranger in paradise

/f / stand starry-eyed

That's a danger in paradise

For mortals who stand beside

-An angel like you -[ Woman ] Mr. Hoover!

Breakfast of champions!

-[ Sizzling ] - Breakfast of champions, Mr. Hoover !

[ Whistling ]

Great news, people. Today's not the day.

- Hello, Lottie. - Hello, sir.

white Shoulders. You know l love it.

Dwayne ? The poison bubbles almost won.

[ Echoing ] The poison bubbles almost won. The poison bubbles almost won.

Talk to me. Please.

well, Hawaiian week down at the showroom.

[ Lottie Screams ] / saw your ad on TV,yes!

- Please say something. - well, what should l say ?

Anything you feel like sayin'. You're Dwayne Hoover!

People know who ya are, don't they ?

That's right, Lottie. They do know who l am.

[ whispers ] who am l ?

Please ?

[ Dwayne On TV] Oh, hi, folks. Dwayne Hoover here...

from Dwayne Hoover's Exit 1 1 Motor Village.

we're searching the seven seas to find you a whale of a deal

- Are you sorry ? -Stop on in just for the hell of it...

and reel yourself in a good deal.

- You can trust Dwayne Hoover. - Sure. Sure, l'm sorry.

- l'm sorry as heck. - Then say something.

well, what should l say, Celia ?

l mean, l'm just-- l'm just looking for a--

[ Man On TV] Each Monday, millions of Americans suffer from--

A sign.

Anything really, Celia.

l mean, all day long and-- [ Laughs ]

Not much, you know ? l mean--

Boy-- [ Laughs ]

There are days when l just think, is it me or what ?

- what ? - Yeah.

- l know what you can say, Dwayne. - what ?

- You can say-- -[ Man On TV]Join millions who say--

[ with TV] Good-bye, Blue Monday.

l have never experienced such safe, fast and effective relief.

- Oh. - l can finally say,

[ whistling ]

-[ Growling ] - No, no. No, no, Nippy.

No, no ! No ! No, Nippy !

l swear l'm armed ! l'll shoot !

- [ Growling ] - Hey !

Nippy!

- Hey ! - [ Yelping ]

Nippy ! [ Grunts ] Nip !

[ Grunts ]

This is how dogs get themselves killed.

[ Organ ]

[ Organ Continues ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

Wedding day

/n, oh, so many ways Ha!

Oh, wedding day

lf l saw you on your wedding day

Dear Mr. Kilgore Trout.

My name is Eliot Rosewater,

and this is a fan letter.

Plague on wheels is the greatest novel--

[ Man ] Plague on wheels is the greatest novel in the English language.

''l promise to make you famous. You should be president

what the hell ? l mean, look at the handwriting.

lt must be from a kid of 1 4. '' Promise to make you famous.''

My first fan letter ever, and l'll show you what l'm gonna do with it.

- watch this. - [ Twittering ]

Two hundred novels, 2,000 short stories.

Never heard back from one publisher, not one,

except that wide-open beaver outfit,

and they didn't pay me doodley-squat.

And then / get a fan letter.

well, l'll burn you out of my body bag.

l'll be glad when it's over.

Can't wait till my head's as empty as the day l was born...

onto this damaged planet all those years ago.

Empty as a child's,

a very young child's.

[ Twittering ]

-That's why l wrote those stories, Bill. -[ Bill Twitters ]

Get rid of all the junk that's built up over the years.

Hey, folks, it's me-- [ Echoing ] Dwayne Hoover.

[ Echoing ] Hey, folks, it's me, Dwayne Hoover.

[ Echoing ] Going bananas down here. Dwayne Hoover.

[ Echoing ] Dwayne Hoover. Hey, folks, it's me.

Dwayne Hoover.

There he goes, Grace. He's drivin' by the house because he knows!

l'm tellin' ya, Grace ! He knows !

He doesn't know a damn thing, Harry.

Now, will you please get over here and sit down ?

Oh.

l'm telling you, Grace, Dwayne Hoover--

Dwayne Hoover knows everything.

Harry, that is such bullshit.

Dwayne Hoover doesn't know his son is a freak.

He doesn't know his wife is suicidal.

He doesn't know. Besides, who cares if Dwayne Hoover knows ?

Oh, well, l care,

because l'm his sales manager,

and l'm telling you that Dwayne Hoover is saying

- Come here, big boy. - Grace, listen to me.

- / got somethin'you want. - /'ve known Dwayne Hoover

l know him the way a combat soldier knows his buddy.

Jesus, he knows me.

- Harry, first of all, listen to me. - Yes.

You were never in the army.

Second of all, we're the only people in this whole town

You should be proud.

Grace, l try, but l can't.

Oh,Jesus. l'm the freak, not Dwayne Hoover.

Me ! l mean, look. l got a sex problem.

/'ll tell you who has a sex problem, Harry.

How many orgasms do you think Dwayne Hoover has a month, huh ?

l don't care how many times Dwayne Hoover comes a month.

/ have 87, and you have 36.

People like Dwayne Hoover have 1 .5. 1 .5, Harry.

Now, that is sick.

Let's move to Hawaii and get a condo in Maui like we've always wanted.

Oh, Grace, you know we can't. l mean, think of my job.

Think how long it's taken me to become what / am.

Maui.

Maui.

- Maui. - Maui.

[ Both Moaning ]

- [ Horn Honks ] - Hey !

Get out of the car, asshole ! l'm gonna teach you a lesson--

why, you're Mr. Dwayne Hoover.

l bought my new car down at Exit 1 1 Motor Village.

- where am l ? - Oh, Sugar Creek Estates.

- What is happening here ? - Don't worry. Somebody just

But the guys are gettin'it cleaned up.

You can go on through if you want to, but keep it kind of

- Be nice and safe. - Hey ! You can't go there !

That was Mr. Hoover from Exit 1 1. Oh, / should have got his autograph.

Doggone it. My wife's never gonna believe that l did this.

- what's that ? - Another special delivery.

Two in one week. You ain't dead yet, old man. Here you go.

[ Murmurs ]

[ Man ] Dear Mr. Trout, My name is Fred T. Barry,

chairman of the arts festival, celebrating the opening

Memorial Center for the Arts in Midland City.

lt would be our most profound honor...

for you to be one of our creative and distinguished...

out-of-town participants.

This check for dollar1 ,000 is for travel expenses...

-and an honorarium. -[ Bill Twittering ]

- why all this sudden interest in Kilgore Trout, Bill, huh ?

Some mistake's been made. No question.

Maybe they've invited me because they know l've got a tuxedo.

Ever show you my tuxedo, Bill, huh ? Yeah.

lf they really want Kilgore Trout, they'll want him in a tuxedo.

Ah. Yeah.

High school dance.

Believe it or not, once even / was young, Bill.

Me. [ Grunts ] Hey.

Yeah, it's quite a good fit, huh ?

- Hey, Bill, what is that ? - [ Twitters ]

[ Humming ''Stranger ln Paradise'' ]

Cha, cha, cha

Cha, cha, cha

[ Hums ]

Cha, cha-- [ Scoffs ]

l'm too old for all that. [ Exhales ]

why go all the way out to Midland City just to make a laughingstock of myself?

- l'm my only fan. - [ Twitters ]

Anyway, if l went out there, l'd want to read...

out loud from my own stuff.

Means l'd have to go to those wide-open beaver bookshops...

and dig out some of my published work.

[ Grunts ]

They don't want nothin' but smilers out there.

Unhappy failures need not apply.

Maybe unhappy failures is exactly what they should see.

Show those provincials what nobody's ever seen before at an arts festival.

Someone who's devoted his entire life searching for truth and beauty...

and didn't find doodley-squat.

The creator who's failed and failed and failed.

Think there's anybody in Midland City who'd listen

-Anybody at all, huh ? - [ Twitters ]

Maybe it's my mission, Bill. Think it could be my mission ?

[ Bird Squawks ]

[ Woman ] Dwayne ?

Yeah.

[ Door Chimes ]

[ Animal Hooting ]

Happy, happy birthday

From your staff all who

we wish you happy birthday

So we could party too Hey !

- [ Door Chimes ] -[ Harry ] See ? See, Francine ?

What'd / tell you ? Something's come over him.

- l've never seen this Dwayne before. - Oh, Harry.

Dwayne may be the most charming man in Midland City, but he's also very shy.

l don't find him so charming anymore. He was walking away from me just now.

Oh, Harry. Dwayne Hoover has fewer bad days than anybody else l know.

- But why me ? - Oh, Harry !

why me ?

-[ Bird Squawking ] - Dwayne ? Honey !

- Not now, Francine. - l mean, Mr. Hoover.

-Just leave me alone, please. - we didn't mean to embarrass you.

- l was embarrassed. - Sweetheart, can we have breakfast ?

Please ? After all, it's your birthday.

Don't touch me. They're all watching.

Nobody can see what we're doing. Nobody can hear us.

Hey !

- Francine. - what ?

- why are you pouring cream on my bananas ?

lt's La Creme. lt's like cream only better

l only like sugar on my bananas. Francine, you know that.

l don't like when you're sharp, Dwayne Hoover,

and you've been sharp quite a lot lately.

lt's beginning to make me think that the things Harry Le Sabre

[ Giggles ]

what things ? what's Harry saying ?

Oh, that you've changed, that you're not the man you used to be.

l swear, Francine, this is why l go home and talk to my dog for hours and hours,

and my dog hates my guts.

Dwayne Hoover, am l losing you ?

The only thing anyone's losing around here is their mind, Francine.

lf you don't like me anymore, Dwayne Hoover,just say so.

[ Echoing ] Truth, truth, truth.

[ Man ] Damn, Rosemary, take them damn pills!

You're turnin' me into plutonium ! Good morning, Mr. Hoover.

- You're looking especially well this morning.

we are having a private--

Francine ! l mean, sir ! l'm sorry--

we are having a private conversation, if you don't mind.

we gotta get outta here right now !

Get your hands off me, murderer ! l want Dwayne Hoover to take me home.

Vernon, this is a demerit on your performance record.

l know things that could make your head spin.

My head spins all the time. l'm trying to make it stop.

we gotta get outta here right now !

Oh, l can't stand that woman. She is such a phony.

[ Bell Dings ]

That was a real violation of protocol.

Dwayne ? Dwayne ?

Hey, / didn't know Vernon had an SE coupe just like mine.

- Rosemary ! - l don't care ! l love him !

- Francine. - Except he's got a rear deck spoiler.

- Francine, please. - They look awfully masculine,

don't you think, Dwayne ?

- Francine, please be quiet. - Dwayne, are you changing again ?

- Harry was right. - Oh, shut up !

[ Gasps ]

l'm sorry.

/'m sorry, Francine. / didn't mean it.

-Sit down, please. - No !

Mr. Hoover, l am crossing the street and going directly to work.

[ Man ] Hey, Dwayne Hoover. How ya doin'?

l will behave in a professional manner no matter how much you've changed.

A thousand dollars. That's a lot of paper.

A lot of paper a thousand dollars.

who in their right mind would give me a thousand dollars ?

why me ? [ Chuckles ]

[ Grunts ]

And they think l can write ? l can write ?

l'll show 'em.

Howdy, partners ! Dwayne Hoover here !

And the stampede is on at Dwayne Hoover's Exit 1 1 Motor Village !

lt's Hawaiian week, and that means great savings

So don't get left out in the dust !

Come on down and check out our big deal for big horsepower !

whoo !

[ Man ] That's right. lt is Hawaiian week--

why is wayne Hoobler smilin' ?

wayne Hoobler gettin' out today ?

That there is Dwayne Hoover on television.

My name and his sound so much alike.

-[ Man On TV] You can trust Dwayne-- - And l trust him.

Can't trust nobody, wayne Hoobler, just me.

Oh, no, l trust Dwayne Hoover,

and l'm gonna work for him at Exit 1 1 Motor Village in Midland City.

l'm gonna live happily ever after in fairy--

Gonna say fairyland, wayne Hoobler ?

Hell, no. No, honest. Swear.

Gallop on down to Dwayne Hoover's Exit 1 1 Motor Village !

-All you know is from watchin' TV. - we got you covered.

You can't even count money.

Let me tell you something.

The creator of the universe is watchin' over me,

and l'm gonna work for Dwayne Hoover 'cause it's my callin'.

warden's ready for you, Hoobler. lt's your lucky day. Not yours, Eli.

where in hell do they get these crazy picture ideas ?

There's absolutely nothing about a college professor or sorority girls...

in the body of this novel.

E-Excuse me.

No women, for cryin' out loud.

That's why l didn't get paid for it.

All l got was doodley-squat. Doodley-squat.

[ Women Moaning ]

watch it, perverted bastard.

[ Birds Chirping ]

[ Moaning Continues ]

My God ! ''The Dancing Fool.''

l never realized this had been published.

This must be more than 30 years old.

lt's for an arts festival.

[ Meows ]

''what is the purpose of life ?''

To be the eyes and ears and conscience of the creator of the universe.

Ya fool ! [ Groans ]

[ Dog Barking, Siren Wailing ]

Let's go over their descriptions again by age, color of skin, etcetera.

For all l know they may not have been earthlings.

For all l know they may have been an intelligent gas from Pluto.

You have some blood on your nose.

A small leak can sink a great ship. Benjamin Franklin.

That gas moved fast like a fart on linoleum. Kilgore Trout.

[ Elephant Trumpets ]

Hey ! Don't be a caveman !

Escape to the future, and come on down to Dwayne Hoover's

l'll make ya a mammoth deal !

That's right, folks. lt's Hawaiian week, and you can trust your old pal--

That's me, Dwayne Hoover--

to make you a great deal on a luxury sedan just like this one.

- Your stop, Hoobler. - Come on down to Exit 1 1 Motor Village.

/'m gonna slash some prices just for you!

During Hawaiian Week we're gonna offer you a whole new deal,

and that's no monkey business.

That means great savings on new and used cars and trucks!

l'm talkin' luxury with attitude, folks.

Yes, sirree, Bob.

Luxury with style. Luxury with bird shit on the hood !

-[ Man ] Pan to Le Sabre. - There's bird shit on the hood !

[ Man ] Harry,you're on!

Oh, hi.

l'm Harry Le Sabre, sales manager for Exit 1 1 Motor Village.

As Dwayne Hoover just told you folks,

it's Hawaiian week here.

Tell them about the bird shit on the hood, why don't ya ?

we're loaded with new cars and trucks !

Hawaiian week celebrates our inventory reduction sale.

So come on down and drive out with a new automobile,

plus a cash rebate of dollar1 ,1 49...

and become eligible for a free trip to Hawaii.

- Dwayne. -So, remember,

it's not too late to enter !

lt's-- Remember,

let us prove to you that what's good for Dwayne Hoover...

is good for you...

too !

l'd like to see you in my office right away, Harry.

[ Man ] Cut, cut. Harry, what the hell were you thinking ?

- Do you think we got anything ? -[ Man ] Not much.

Harry, you spoiled the whole thing.

- Mr. Hoover ! - Hey.

Mr. Hoover, l'm sorry about yesterday morning in the restaurant.

My wife, you know, she's-- She sees things that aren't really there.

- l understand. - Maybe l'm goin' crazy. l don't know.

- l'll go home for hours and talk with my gosh-darn dog.

- Mr. Hoover ! How ya doin' there, sir ? - Good morning.

lt's a pleasure to finally meet ya. l've been watching you half of my life.

- Good morning. - Remember this ?

lt's from yourJuly 4 Firecracker Sale.

Had it in my wallet since l was nine.

The good Lord meant for us to work so close because

- Mine is wayne Hoobler. - Hoobler.

lsn't that beautiful ? l'm gonna have my own car dealership

Never told anyone that though. Saved it just for you, sir.

- Good morning. - Good morning, sir.

lt's a great morning, sir. Beautiful day, sir !

Stop shaking my hand now, young man.

You know, you look great. Hop on in.

- That's the-- - Young man! Young man!

- That's what l told Eli. - Young man ! Stop shaking my--

My God.

[ Bird Trilling, Monkey Chattering ]

Fairyland !

[ whispers ] No.

Harry ! Harry !

Come over here. l need to speak to you right this second.

l didn't really say that.

Dwayne, what can l say ?

l always knew you'd find out someday.

But we've been friends far too long for such a thing to ever interfere...

- Harry ! Harry, Harry. - with our relationship.

- Do you see this young man over here ? Please.

Take good care of him. Give him whatever he wants.

Dwayne, l don't know what made me think l could hide it from you.

- Grace said it's just a-- - Harry. Harry !

- we'll discuss it in my office, okay ? - All right.

The inquisition.

- Harry, put 'er there. - Hello.

- wayne Hoobler. - Hoobler.

- Hoobler, yes. lt's a pleasure. - Pleasure.

- That your office back there ? - Yes.

- Let's go take a look. - [ Grunts ]

[ Exhales ]

[ Clears Throat ]

For some reason, this looks like it's turning out to be another

so let's keep everything nice and--

Excuse me, Mr. Hoover.

Ever since breakfast yesterday /'ve been thinking very hard on the subject,

and l've decided l feel l should quit.

l think it'll be easier on both of us.

You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it sure helps.

That's just to keep people from being serious all the time, Mr. Sourpuss.

/'m sorry, Dwayne.

l know you're just tense.

You're under a lot of pressure.

You remember how you were last year during the George

-[ Bird Squawks ] - Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.

l swear, some people will swallow almost anything.

[ Pill Clatters /n Wastebasket ]

Oh, l'm sorry. l wasn't referring to your wife when l said that.

Dwayne, l have a little something for you.

Just a gift to take with you.

And, um,

l forgive you for yesterday,

snooks.

[ Bird Squawking ]

l've been watching Dwayne Hoover ever since l was nine years old.

Nine years old. [ Laughs ]

Did he ever say anything about me, about my habits ?

- He said you'd give me what l need. - Give you what you need.

well, l wonder what the hell he meant by that, huh ?

[ Clears Throat ] No, please. Put that down.

[ Clears Throat ]

That's much, much better. lt's a little medicine.

Now, why don't you fill out this entry form here,

and, uh, let's see what we can do for you.

what would you like ?

- Haaaa... way-- -A sports sedan. For color, uh ?

Yeah, metallic gray purple. That should make your mouth water.

That should make life in the passing lane a little more comfortable.

Hawaii.

Hawaii. lt's Hawaiian week.

You're eligible for a free trip to Hawaii.

- l don't want to go there. -Just come and sit down.

l want to stay here !

That's all right. You don't have to go. That's all right.

Now, uh, do you have a trade-in ?

- A trade ? - Yes.

Yes, sir, l'm a homemaker. Honest.

Oh. A homemaker, huh ?

Oh, uh, well, maybe a sports sedan isn't quite right for you.

How about a Crown Victoria ? One owner, low miles.

Little old lady only drove it to a retirement home.

- You have that for me ? - Yes ! You just sign right here.

- l'll get you the keys. - Fairyland.

- what ? - what ?

- what'd you say ? - Nothin'.

- l didn't say nothin'. Must have been someb--

Goddamn it. l distinctly heard you say f-f--

why'd you say that ? Please, help me. l need to know why you said that.

ls that the image ? ls that the image ? Does it show ?

For God's sake, man ! Tell me ! Does it show ?

[ Together] Please don't tell Dwayne Hoover.

Look, l'm not lost, l swear ! l promise. lt's just all the colors.

Colors ? what colors ?

For Christ sake, you have colors on. This is a black suit.

This is a conservative black suit !

[ Birds Squawking ]

Oh. Oh.

Much, much better.

- Now, sit down, Mr. Hoover. - '' Bler.''

- '' Bler'' ? - Hoobler.

- Oh. - You see, the good Lord

so that both of us would know exactly what to do.

Hoobler. Mr. Hoobler.

Now, listen to me.

Now, there are ways to hide these papers permanently.

But you-- you must never, ever...

tell anyone about our little talk today.

- Yes, sir. - Oh.

- And thank you, sir. - Oh, thank you.

- Can you do me a favor ? - Mm-hmm.

Tell Dwayne Hoover l'll be here bright and early in the morning.

No, no, no. No. wait. You can't come back !

Bright and early ! lt's my calling !

- You can't come back ! -[ Door Closes ]

[ Grunting ]

One, two, three, four. Hmm. Ah. Ah.

[ Bird Squawking ]

Ah !

- Ah. - [ Beeps ]

[ Phone Ringing ]

Hello ?

Dwayne knows. Everybody knows.

He wants to see me in his office. what do l do ? l'm a nervous wreck.

-Just take a relax. -l've already taken four time capsules !

- Maui beckons. - No, no, no. Please, Grace, please.

This is very, very important. Listen to me.

Harry, what is important is what is, and you are the result

Don't blow it. l love you.

[ Line Clicks ]

Ah ! Don't blow it, yeah.

[ Paper Rustling ]

[ Man ] Dear Mr. Hoover,

Sugar Creek Estates, of which you are the primary stockholder

will be the subject of a public forum to discuss the toxic soil findings...

beneath the development site.

[ Whistle Blowing ]

[ Vehicle Approaching ]

[ Horn Honks, Brakes Squeak ]

[ Grunts ]

Midland City, come on.

Oh, how can you stand that smell out there ?

Oh, shut the door !

- Oof! Oof. -[ Gears Grinding ]

Oh, it's all poisoned now.

Think of the shit most of these factories make.

Raspberry air freshener, gourmet cat food,

plastic doughnuts.

l used to be a conservationist.

Used to weep and wail when l heard about people shooting bald eagles...

from helicopters and all that, but l gave it up.

l laugh about it now. l say, '' Up your ass ! Man needs its gas !''

You gotta be kiddin' me.

You ever read a story called ''Gilgongo'' ?

About a planet that becomes too unpleasant because there was

- Gil what ? - Gilgongo.

- Extinct. - l gotta take a leak.

l understand that to mean you're gonna steal a mirror.

- Steal a mirror ? - Leaks.

The holes between two universes.

Don't get too near to that leak. You don't want to wind up in

- Maybe you should take some more time to relax, Gramps.

The only solution to any problem is time. How lucky can you get ?

All right, that's 23.50 for the diesel.

Don't forget to clean the side leak there.

- The what ? - The leak.

- The mirror! - Oh, the mir-- Oh, well, that's funny.

what are you lookin' at ?

[ Bird Twittering ]

[ Humming ''Stranger ln Paradise'' ]

Ah ! [ Grunts ]

[ Humming Continues ]

[ Drums Beating ]

[ Animal Howls ]

-[ Knocking ] - [ Muffled ] Just a--

Just a gosh-darn minute !

[ Panting ]

- Okay ! -[ Door Opens ]

Dwayne ! [ Chuckles ] Uh--

Hey, how's my old army buddy ?

As well as can be expected, Harry.

How about you ? You having any... problems ?

No. No, l, uh-- [ Sighs ]

l don't know how to say it, but-- [ Stammering ]

l guess it started with the Tugboat Annie movie. Yeah ?

-[ Laughs ] -[ Bird Squawks ]

l don't know. Maybe it was panties on a clothesline...

or Mother's bra in the laundry...

or sister's slip, this silk--

Vernon Garr's wife, Rosemary, thinks Vern is trying to turn

- what do you think of that ? - Uh, well--

[ Sighs ] God !

That's just--

we play around.

Horsey. Dressy. Grace and l.

/t's fun, but it's--

/t's a private thing. /t's in our own house.

we don't-- Uh, i-it--

Not-- You know--

what's wrong-- lt's, uh--

we don't have any children, so, you know, why contribute to overpopulation ?

Harry, sit down, please.

Sit down !

Okay. Damn it. Oh, geez-- [ Grunts ]

- Sit down ! - [ Grunts ]

- [ Clears Throat ] - That's good.

You did sit down.

why did you sit down, Harry ?

[ Bird Squawking ]

Because you asked me to, Dwayne.

Right. Good.

l asked you to sit down, and you did. You do that, don't you, Harry ?

People ask you to do things, and you do that. why is that, Harry ?

[ Murmurs ] Uh, what are you saying, Dwayne ?

what are you saying, Harry ?

well, what l'm saying is that l--

[ Laughs ] l guess that...

l don't really understand my own statement, you know ?

ls that why you're telling people that l've changed, Harry ?

Oh, no, no, no. / just said you're behaving a little differently.

lt's-- l meant it as a compliment.

- You meant it as a compliment. - Yes.

So you weren't happy with the way l was before.

Are you sure this doesn't have anything to do with the fact...

that only you know that l was adopted, Harry ?

l want the truth !

Good God, Dwayne, no ! Come on. we're army buddies. Army !

You weren't in the army, Harry, remember?

- You stayed home. - [ Sighs ]

l was in the Signal Corps.

You were not in the army.

Harry.

l have never let the fact that you have the name of a Buick come between us.

- Have l, Harry ? - No.

- Because you can't help that. - No.

- lt's not your fault. - Right.

-You can't change that, can you, Harry ? -Mm-mm.

But this is Hawaiian week.

Yeah.

l suggest you go get with Vernon Garr.

Have him get you some cotton waste.

Soak it in blue Sunoco.

And l want you to burn your entire wardrobe.

- Do you understand what l'm saying ? - Yeah.

Now, look, in the old days,

when we first started selling new cars, we sold them to older people.

Under those circumstances, it was perfectly all right

Hey, you could dress like a mortician.

You could dress like my Aunt Clarice for that matter.

But doggone it, Harry !

You seem to be forgetting something !

we are selling the most aggressively designed automobile on the road today...

for people that are looking for unsurpassed driving excitement.

But look at you. You're dressed like an undertaker.

Now, Harry, l have some good news.

Modern science has given us a whole new wonderful array of colors...

with exciting names like red, blue, orange, yellow, pink.

- Ah. - Am l making myself clear ?

[ Smacks Lips ]

why don't you come right out and say it, Dwayne ?

Say what, Harry ?

- That l like to wear women's clothes. -[ Gong Pounding ]

- ls that what you like, Harry ? - Yeah.

Yeah.

No. No. [ Laughs ]

No, no, no, no. well-- [ Stammering ]

[ Smacks Lips, Blows Raspberry ] Not exactly.

Then why do you want me to say you like to wear women's clothes, Harry ?

l don't, Dwayne. l don't. l swear to God l don't.

Then what are you saying ?

l'll change. l'll change.

- You'll change ? - Yes.

- You'll change ? - Yes.

- l have your word on that ? - Absolutely.

lt's Hawaiian week. l've got to be able to count on you.

Yes, you can.

- So you change. - Mm-hmm.

- And don't you worry about me changing. - No, no, no, no.

- That's fair, isn't it ? - Oh, absolutely. That's more than fair.

- That's not too much to ask. - No, no, no.

Good God, no.

And l wanna be friends like before.

- Friends ? - Yeah.

- Buddies ? - Buddies.

- Buddies. - Buddies.

- You can go, Harry. - All right.

- Right now. - Oh. Yes.

Yes, yes, Dwayne. [ Grunts ]

Buddies.

- [ Sighs ] -[ Phone Ringing ]

Francine. [ Chuckles ]

He said l dress like an undertaker.

Oh, l thought he was gonna bring up--

Just remember, Harry. Dwayne Hoover is the best employer in town.

Ah !

[ Man On TV] From the most beautiful place in the world...

comes the most exotic tanning product in the world.

Hawaiian Tropic.

Natural oils, tropical fruits,

flora, nuts and protective sun screens.

Created by one man for one reason.

[ Woman On TV] White is for laundry.

- [ Ringing ] - [ Clears Throat ]

''Thank you for calling Dwayne Hoover's Exit 1 1 Motor Village,

the number-one dealership in the Four Corners area,

where we are celebrating Hawaiian week with free prizes and big discounts.''

This is Francine Pefko. How may l help you ?

[ whispers ] Francine.

[ whispers ] Dwayne ?

l want you to walk out of here with me this very moment...

and go to the Best western Apollo lnn in Shepherdstown.

[ Gasps ] Mr. Hoover !

You ought to have some crazy teenager who can run off

l don't want a crazy teenager, Francine. l want you !

[ Tires Screeching ]

[ Horn Honking ]

- who's this knucklehead, Harry ? - lt's wayne Hoobler.

-[ Horn Honks ] - He's a friend of Dwayne's.

- Take good care of him, will ya ? - He looks like a good guy.

How ya doin', buddy ? wanna take her for a spin ?

-[ Vernon ] Four-door, 429-- -[ Wayne ] Hey, Mr. Hoover!

- what say ? - [ Vernon Continues, lndistinct ]

[ Vernon ] This key entry thing-- lt's a four digit--

Oh ! Be right back, fellas. we're just going to the... bank.

Maybe stop for a... snack.

l'll be here when you get back, Mr. Hoover. You can count on it.

[ Vernon ] You could fry an egg on this engine if you wanted to.

[ Elephant Trumpeting ]

Extinct. Gilgongo.

[ Trout ] The bull elephant makes his way inexorably...

for what he knows to be his own certain death.

Slouching, as it were,

to what's his own personal Bethlehem.

Gilgongo !

[ Francine ] Oh, / love the smell of raspberry air freshener.

Hmm. TV helps me relax.

-[ Man On TV, /ndistinct ] - we sure do want you relaxed, Francine.

- Hmm ! - That's for sure.

Now why would a thin good-looking man like that...

love a woman so heavy?

-Come up here. -Now, welcome to The Monty Rapid Show...

- with Mr. Monty Rapid. -[ Francine Moaning ]

Thank you, my old friend Virgil, and welcome, everyone,

Today it is my great privilege to have here in the studio as my guest...

- Mr. Fred T. Barry, one of Midland City's great leaders,

also one of its wealthiest.

- Mr. Barry has joined us-- - l love you, Dwayne.

No, Francine, don't. Don't.

l know l promised never to say it,

but it's a promise l can't help breaking all the time.

Francine, please !

l know the subject is painful for you,

ever since your wife started acting... crazy.

- That's enough ! - Oh !

Can you tell the listening audience what they should expect

Art, Monty. They can expect art.

when l go to heaven-- [ Moans ]

on Judgment Day and they ask me what bad things l did down here,

l'm gonna have to tell them, well--

A little art, Monty, can go a long way.

/t was a promise / made to a man / loved...

and l kept breaking it all the time.

Francine, let's just drop the whole subject.

l promised never to say--

- Francine, please, just don't say those--

- ''The greatest living writer in the English language.''

- Hmm. -[ Francine ] Twist me a bit.

Kilgore Trout.

[ Monty Echoing ] Kilgore Trout.

-[ Fred ] Mr. Kilgore Trout. - You work so hard.

- Kilgore Trout. - /f / was a man,

[ Monty Echoing ] Kilgore Trout.

Kilgore Trout.

[ Monty Echoing ] Kilgore Trout.

[ Monty ] People, stick around.

We'll be right back in a rapid moment right after this important message.

[ Woman ] Dwayne ?

Remember when we bundled up baby George...

and took him for his first ride in the station wagon ?

- He was so happy. - You work so hard, honey.

Maybe that's why God created women:

- to help men relax from time to time. - [ Giggles ]

- [ Grunting ] - You feel better now, dear ?

Good.

Oh, darn. Oh, l promised Gloria l'd be back in one hour.

[ Man On TV] The perfect blast, six feet of choice meats,

real dairy cheese.

You know, this would be the perfect location...

for a fried chicken franchise right here next to the prison.

[ Rattlesnake Rattling ]

Dwayne,you're makin'a face like a rattlesnake.

-[ Rattling Quickens ] - Ah !

Today we're turning out the deals that beat the band--

- Aha what ? - Francine !

Next time you want to ask me for a gift, do me a favor...

and don't hint around until after we are done making love.

l like to keep my lovemaking and my gift giving separate !

Dwayne, l don't even know what it is you think l want.

l don't even know what it is you think l want, Dwayne !

- why are you doing this to me ? - God bless America !

Every woman has her price, Francine.

Yours just happens to be dollar200,000 with parking and lights !

lt's not for me. lt's for you. Everything l want is for you !

lt's not for me. lt's for you ! Everything l want is for you, Dwayne !

[ Gasps ] Harry Le Sabre was right !

He said you'd changed, and, my God, you've changed.

Dwayne Hoover, you have changed ! [ Coughs ]

l'm sorry l was so cross with you, Francine.

l don't know what's wrong with me.

You're the most loyal and unselfish person l've ever known in my whole life.

l'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.

- l'm so confused. - Oh, we all are.

[ Dwayne Grunts]

l'm just looking for somebody to steer me in the right direction,

just a sign.

l just need somebody to talk to. That's all.

well, here, baby.

Sit here and tell Mommy everything.

- Okay. - [ Moans ]

- Then, tell me, please. - Tell you what, my sweetheart ?

what life is about.

Oh, only God knows that, Dwayne, only God.

[ Echoing ] God, God, God, God.

- Francine ? - Hmm ?

Did l ever tell you about my trip to headquarters in Michigan ?

- when you won the Golden Sales Award ? - Yes.

Mm-mm.

l was given a tour of the research facility.

- Do you know what impressed me the most ?

The place where they do everything to cars that

/ remember seeing a sign on the door of the building...

where they did all this torture.

lt said, '' Destructive Testing.''

l remember looking at that sign and thinking, is this what l'm here for,

to see just how much a man can take without breaking ?

l've lost my way, Francine.

Oh.

Take my hand and lead me out of the woods.

- You're just tired, honey. - l'm way beyond tired.

[ Coughing ] we're here visiting with Fred T. Barry--

Maybe we should take you to see a doctor ?

l don't need to hear what a doctor has to say, Francine.

l've heard what every person in Midland City's had to say twice.

[ Together] which one of us would you like, Dwayne ?

[ Echoing ] Which one of us would you like, Dwayne ?

-[ Echoes ] Would you like, Dwayne ? - Dwayne ?

Dwayne ! what is it ? Dwayne !

l need to hear truths l haven't heard before.

l may need to speak to someone from another planet.

- The function of the artist is to triumph over life.

lt certainly is.

what about the writers and artists coming to Midland City ?

- what ? - Maybe you should talk to one of them.

- Mr. Kilgore Trout. - Kilgore Trout. wow.

[ Fred ] Kilgore Trout.

-[ Organ ] -Bunny, Bunny Hoover

Bunny, the crooner, Hoover

Mr. Rhythm Mover

Let me have a vodka cranberry, will ya ?

- Got a bladder infection. - Right.

Weekdays to please at Best Western Apollo /nn and Lounge

And sometimes

So l don't have to scrounge

At the competition

-[ Elevator Bell Dings ] - Yeah

- l'm sure that's enough hair spray, Francine.

Fine. Looks fine.

[ Organ ]

- Hi. -[ Woman ] Checking out so soon ?

You just got here.

Hey, everybody, now here's a must.

- ln the lobby it's Dwayne Hoover, the man you can trust.

And there's the lovely Francine Pefko, Daddy's secretary from the get-go.

- Dwayne, isn't that your son George ? - Yes, that's George.

Can do Francine, l can do

Can do a little treasure

- Come on. Let's go. - Hi, George.

- we're leaving. -For your and Daddy's pleasure

l didn't know he was in show business or that he had

Bunny Hoover can do

- Yeah -[ One Person Claps ]

You're loaded with talent, kid. You know that.

- Yeah ? - Absolutely.

-[ Car Horns Honking ] -[ Ducks Quaking ]

lt's just a big elephant !

Sir ? Officer ?

Did you ever wonder how they get each one to taste exactly the same ?

[ Horn Honking ]

Of course, you don't. You've got too many other things

l just pray each Sunday that l'll be taken care of, but you ask questions.

what is going on here ?

[ whirring ]

Everything all right, Mother ?

- [ Humming ] - Mom ? Mom !

Mother!

[ Sighs ]

-[ Horn Honking ] - [ Sighs ]

That's Dwayne Hoover.

- Hmm ! Look, it's Fred T. Barry. - Hello, Dwayne !

And we just saw him on television.

we've located world Classics Library.

what is world Classics Library ?

Kilgore Trout's publisher.

- Mmm ! Listen. -[ Radio ] This is Fred T. Barry.

lt's Fred T. Barry on the radio, and he's right next to us.

Do you suppose that means something, Dwayne ?

[ Fred On Radio ] Mother, who is 94 this week.

The keynote speaker will be none other than the noted

Kilgore Trout !

- [ Horn Honking ] - You're going to get us killed !

- Francine ! Take a memo ! - Mr. Hoover !

- Turn around,jackass ! - what are you, nuts ?

l want to meet with Kilgore Trout this weekend when he comes to Midland City.

You better start driving sensibly, A.S.A.P., and / am not kidding!

-Just take the gosh-darn memo ! - [ Gasps ]

Oh ! what kind of name is Kilgore Trout ?

On the planet, everything is reversed. lt's chaos.

And the inhabitants live under the snow to keep warm.

They've evolved nail--

They've evolved nails under what we would call their feet.

They're quadrupods, and they got eight nails so they don't slip.

And the sun-- They don't go in the sun, because the sun's reversed.

lt's cold. lt's a cold sun. Cold sun.

Chaos. lt's chaos.

Everything's kind of backwards. ''Soahc. Soahc.''

Eliot, l have come to discuss the arts festival...

and the arrangements for the El Greco.

- Did you find the writer? Kilgore Trout ?

wonderful. l-ls he coming here to Midland City ?

- Yes, Eliot, he is. - wonderful.

Eliot, do you know where Kilgore Trout stories appear ?

They appear in porno smut magazines.

Tell him, Howell.

Yes, sir. Whips and Other Trips, Hard Thing and Black Garter Belt.

You mean, uh, like this ?

What / know is that Kilgore Trout...

[ Coughs ] should win the Nobel prize for literature.

[ Man's Voice Echoing ] Kilgore Trout,

Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout,

Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout,

Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout,

Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout,

Kilgore Trout, Kilgore Trout.

[ Fades ] Kilgore Trout, Kilgore--

[ TV. Techno ]

[ Static On TV]

[ Woman On TV] To enhance your life, Panasonic

What you may not know is we also bring you the long-lasting high

The Plus Alkaline battery from Panasonic.

-[ Static ] - This guy looks forward

[ Static ]

[ Man ] Twelve people were overcome by toxic fumes this morning...

and were evacuated from their homes at Sugar Creek Estates.

-[ Static ] - Celia ?

-[ Woman ] Sure, we're having good times, but what if?

[ Man, /ndistinct ]

- They're not happy. - Bills were adding up and

but we thought, hey, we can handle this.

Then John's company downsized, soJohn's trying to find a new job.

That's right. Nobody's happy.

They're just trying to sell you something.

But they're together, a real family.

we're gonna be okay.

They're not a real family. They're not real. They're not real people.

Real people worry about being surprised, Celia.

They worry about people jumping out at them, shouting

They worry about being carted off to the bughouse.

[ Man ] we've been taking care of people for more than 3 5 years.

- Now they're happy. - Celia, snap out of it !

They're not real, okay ? Real people don't stand around

They're not real. They're just lying to you.

They're hired to lie to you. That's their job on TV !

Dwayne Hoover slashing prices. We're going bananas down here

Hey, ask anybody. You can trust Dwayne Hoover.

/'d trust you, Dwayne.

- lf only you'd tell me which... Dwayne to trust.

what is that supposed to mean, hmm ? Hmm, Celia ?

ls that another one of your little secret messages ?

Are you telling me that you're leaving me, Celia ? ls that it ?

'Cause if you're telling me that just go ahead and tell me,

l can take almost anything these days.

l feel pretty much alone most of the time anyway, to tell you the truth.

what l'm trying to say is,

whether we're together... or apart...

the moments between us...

have always existed...

and will always...

-[ Static ] -[ Man On TV] Famalton,

- the easy formula for stress relief. - exist.

- [ Mouthing words ] - Make each day as good as the best day.

Mmm !

So you see what l'm saying about management, kid.

- You just need a little guidance-- -[ Gunshot ]

Jesus. That sounded like a gunshot.

- Mommy ! - wait a minute, kid. l'll come with ya.

[ Footsteps Running ]

- Pops, don't shoot. lt's me. - Don't shoot me either.

l'm interested in handling his act. This isn't the first time

Don't light that in here. This is a nonsmoking household.

Fair enough. /'ll be outside when you're ready, Bunny.

- His name's George ! - George.

Did you shoot Mommy ?

You were elected cadet colonel at the Prairie Military Academy.

lt was the highest rank you could achieve in your senior year.

lt was supposed to make a man out of you.

why would l want that ?

what men do is so often cruel and ugly.

You looked like your mother just then.

Oh, baby.

Go to your room.

Yes, sir.

[ BellJingles ]

[ Electricity Crackling ]

The asshole of the universe ain't Midland City.

- You ever seen Libertyville ? - No, haven't had the pleasure.

Yeah, about ten years ago l got caught in a speed trap down there.

Got a little mad and took a swing at the cop. They put me in jail.

Hmm.

Main industry down there is pulping.

Got trucks bringing in hundreds of tons of unwanted printed material...

to Libertyville every day.

- Paper pulping. - Yeah, paper pulping.

They got so many books down there, they use it for toilet paper.

l sat in jail for two days with nothing to do but read my toilet paper.

l still remember one of the stories that l read.

This story was about as crazy as anything you ever come across.

lt was the last story l ever read, as a matter of fact.

lt was about another planet where some government guy...

used a roulette wheel to decide which artwork to put

The roulette wheel is rigged, and then the guy--

- This whatever you call, uh, uh-- - The Barring-gaffner.

Yeah, the Barring-- Yeah. Yeah !

[ Laughs ] Hey ! That's right.

The toilet paper you read in the Libertyville jail was...

The Barring-gaffner of Bagnialto...

or This Year's Masterpiece By Kilgore Trout.

- You actually read that thing ? - Yeah, of course l read it.

[ Laughs ] Boy, what is his name ? Trout ?

He must be half cracked, don't you think ?

well, he, uh, was self-educated, if that's what you mean.

He didn't finish high school, but he could quote Shakespeare.

''All the world's a stage. All the men and women are merely players.''

Yeah. Didn't make any sense.

lt was chaos.

You got that right.

why would you ever read that nutty story if you didn't have to ?

why ?

lt takes all kinds of people to make up a world.

-[ Tires Screeching ] -[ Echoing ]

[ Echoing ] Hey, folks, it's me. Dwayne Hoover! Dwayne Hoover!

[ Elephant Trumpeting ]

[ Tires Screeching, Engine Revving ]

[ Tires Screeching ]

- [ Car Beeping ] - [ Panting ] Ooh !

Good morning, Mr. Hoover ! [ Echoing ]

-[ Elephant Trumpets ] - Good morning, Mr. Hoover.

-[ Man ] Dwayne Hoover! -[ Woman ] Dwayne Hoover!

Mr. Hoover, we are interested in something that hauls like a truck,

but drives like a luxury sedan.

Yeah, yeah, and with convenience at our fingertips.

Gonna get a TV set today. l swear, maybe you might come over for dinner.

[ Echoing ] Dinner, dinner, dinner.

[ Elephant Trumpets ]

- Tell me something. - Yeah ?

Take a look over-- over there.

- You see the young man... - Yeah.

wearing a suit, five, ten and a half?

- Yeah. - Yes.

Go talk to him. He'll take good care of ya.

[ Woman ] But, Mr. Hoover, we want to buy a car from you!

[ Echoing ] You! You! You!

Oh. [ Grunts ]

Oh. Ah.

- Oh ! -[ Bird Squawking ]

Okay !

-[ Phone Ringing ] -[ Door Chimes ]

- Oh. -[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Bird Squawks ]

Oh, God.

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Squawking Continues ]

Dwayne ! Buddies. [ Laughs ]

[ Gasps ]

Princes, pa-poo-la Have plenty papaya

Oh, me, oh, my-a

You ought to really try a piece of Pa-Poo-La's papaya

[ Laughs ] Hawaii ! Aloha !