Original subtitles

What the hell was that?

Hello?

Jay?

Surprise.

Carol?

What are you doing here? You got sucked off.

You're right,

and I've been having a blast up there.

I can't say too much,

but they have pickleball.

That's it. That's all I'll say.

Carol, what is happening?

I'm your little Christmas Carol.

You see, around Christmas,

we Carols are given special powers,

including the ability to grant wishes.

Oh, also,

we can give out candy canes.

I-I think there's been some sort of misunderstanding.

I didn't make a wish.

Oh, yes, you did.

You said, and I quote,

"I wish I had never been able to see ghosts."

Okay.

So why are you here?

I'm here to show you what your life would be like

if you'd never tripped on that vase,

if you had never fallen down the stairs,

if you had never gained the ability to see ghosts.

Whoa.

So let's get this started.

Sam, you're coming with me.

Well, that was supposed to whoosh us away,

but it's my first time.

Hey, I need to get some steps in anyway. Let's go.

You know, Carol, I'm actually feeling a little silly

about this whole wishing not to see ghosts thing.

Holy crap, am I day-drinking with Sasha and Libby?

Sam, this eggnog is delicious.

And these gingerbread men you made?

So cute. Not to brag,

but I think this one is flirting with me.

Look at you,

just enjoying a little Christmas Eve tipple with two

of your closest gal pals.

B-But I don't get it, Sasha thinks I'm crazy.

No, Sasha thought you were crazy

because she caught you performing a séance

for the ghosts, and she thought you and Jay were murderers.

But that was because of the ghosts.

In this world, none of that happened.

So she thinks I'm sane?

Yep. And not just sane.

Funny.

Short, bald and covered in crumbs?

I'm sorry, is this a gingerbread man

or the guy I dated before Jay?

Sam, you are hilarious.

Without the ghosts interrupting you all the time,

you're actually a much better conversationalist.

Man,

I'd love to see these ladies in bikinis.

How does this place not have a hot tub?

-Disgusting. -Right?

But you can't hear him, so you don't care.

I hate to say it, but we've got to run.

Next time at my place?

Uh, do you have wine?

Of course.

Then, yeah, I think I'll be there.

So, what am I doing now?

Oh, just sitting there.

Since you're not always taking care of the ghosts,

you actually have time to yourself.

Whoa. I can't remember the last time

I just sat and read a book.

And look at me, I don't even mind

that Trevor's reading over my shoulder.

I'm pretty sure he's trying to look down your dress,

but, hey, you don't know, so who cares?

Stupid camisole. I'm getting nothing.

So, if I have all this free time,

I guess that means the B and B still isn't doing very well.

Are you kidding?

Without the ghosts to worry about,

you've really been able to throw yourself

into making this place a success.

The B and B is thriving.

Oh, come.

Woodstone B and B, how may I help you?

Freddie. He used to work here.

He was incredible. But he quit.

He quit because of the ghosts.

But now he's all in on Woodstone.

I'm so sorry, we don't have any availability

-until January 17th. -Hold on,

the B and B is sold out?

Great. We'll see you then.

Who keeps searching "Girls Gone Wild" on this thing?

I should have gone to Arizona State.

I'm home.

Hey, Freddie.

-Jay, I missed you. -I missed you, too.

Uh-oh. Mistletoe.

Oh.

Mmm.

She could do so much better.

I gotta admit, this life looks pretty great.

And Trevor seems

pretty much the same.

How are the other ghosts doing?

Well, why don't we find out?

Huh, still not working.

Looks like we're hoofing it again.

And that concludes my lecture

on different kinds of knots.

Tomorrow Thorfinn will be giving a talk on trout.

Will be similar to herring lecture

but more trout-focused.

- I'm in hell. - Okay,

so this all seems pretty standard.

I guess the ghosts are just doing the same kind of stuff

they did before I met them.

So, Alberta, you excited for upcoming wedding?

Aw, Alberta and Pete are getting married?

- That's sweet. - Yeah. I mean, I get

to sing, which will be a nice little treat for everybody.

Although I'm maybe a little surprised

they're finally going through with it.

Oh.

So it's not Pete and Alberta?

You know what, if they're happy, I'm happy.

Well, one of them is definitely happy.

Carol, who are they talking about?

Hello, all.

Ah, we look forward to seeing you

at our nuptials this afternoon.

Hmm? Huzzah.

Isaac and Hetty?

But that is impossible.

And yet, in this world, it's happening.

- Hmm, your wish. - We just wanted

to remind you that the ceremony is to begin promptly at 2:00.

Weather permitting,

of course.

The wedding is indoors, my love.

Right, right, right.

Could be a tornado.

No, no.

The only tornado shall be tonight

in our marriage bed.

Oh.

Mmm...

Wait. Wait, wait, wait, Carol. What is going on?

Isaac can't marry Hetty. He's...

gay.

Why did you whisper that?

I don't know, it seemed like a weird thing to shout.

Here's the thing.

Isaac only came out

because you were there to support him.

Without you, he still hasn't figured out who he truly is.

Huh.

I guess I did have kind of a big effect on him.

You've had a big effect on all of them.

Without you, Alberta never found out who killed her,

Thor's still having his night terrors,

and Pete never learned he could leave the property.

He never even tried?

He was told he couldn't, and the man loves rules.

He won a goldfish

at the state fair once and reported it on our taxes.

Let me guess, he also tried

to report a free sample from the grocery store?

It's actually the other Sam that's funny.

Come on, I have a lot to show you.

Christmas is always

one of the toughest times to be dead,

wondering about my family.

Are they doing okay? Do they even think about me?

They do. Your daughter

Laura named her son after you.

Pete doesn't know that.

In this world, you never invited me here

to dedicate that weird bench.

Pete never watched Laura get married.

He doesn't even know Little Pete.

Thor also miss his family.

Leave behind young son.

Will never get to know what he like as man.

No, Thor, your son is like a hundred yards away.

Tragic.

I hope he grow up to be great warrior

who kill many Danes

and never eat best friend.

-What? -Nothing.

Random example not taken from Thor's life.

The nice thing about the holidays

is that the girls on the dating apps

are lonely as hell.

I'm talking to like six separate Livings right now.

One may fly in from Miami to meet up.

And what do you hope happens when she gets here?

I don't know, maybe she'll choke on something and die.

- It happens. - Yeah, I get it.

Sex with women, you know, nothing like it.

Which I know 'cause of the... 43 times.

Oh, that's right.

Sass is still hiding the fact that he's a virgin.

This is painful.

Has anyone found love? What about Thor and Flower?

Not even close.

Flower fell into the well two years ago.

Flower's in the well?

Well, she was, till you filled it with cement.

So now she's lost in the dirt,

a fact she keeps forgetting and then quickly rediscovers

in an endless cycle of horror.

Okay, so is that it,

or do you have more bad news to show me?

More bad news.

The basement ghosts are really upset

about your shiny new water heater.

Wait. Everyone shut up.

I think I heard a gurgle.

Oh, there it is again.

Sorry, that was my tummy.

Oh, damn it, Stuart.

You got our hopes up for nothing, you toad's ass.

This newfangled water heater hasn't made a peep

since that blonde witch put it in.

God, I hate her.

She's very rude.

Last week I saw her drop a piece of pizza

on the ground and pick it up and eat it,

and it fell cheese-side down.

I think we can move on.

What's going on here?

Hetty, I need to talk to you about the wedding.

Are you still waffling on a best man?

I do agree it's slim pickings,

but Sasappis probably presents the most handsome stage picture.

No, it's... it's more than that.

Oh, my gosh, is he gonna tell her?

Could you just watch?

You'd be a very annoying person to go see a movie with.

Maybe we push it?

-What? -Why rush a wedding

in the dead of winter when spring

is just around the corner?

We-we were supposed to get married in spring.

Last spring. And you wanted

to push till summer, citing the April racket of the birds.

But then summer was too hot,

and then fall came around and you started whining about

how it's the season when you're most sleepy.

I've always been very sleepy in the fall.

Everyone knows that.

Isaac, what's wrong?

If there is something else

going on, just tell me.

Well... actually...

Come on, Isaac, tell her.

She's your dearest friend. You can trust her.

Wedding prank.

I'm sorry, what?

You've been wedding-pranked.

Huzzah!

Oof.

Score one for Higgintoot.

You should have seen the look on your face.

You were freaking out.

Indeed.

Ah, it's fun.

Sam, I don't want to have

this talk again.

Oh, sounds like the show's about to start. Come on.

It's Christmas Eve. You can't go back

into the city already. You just got home.

I don't know what you want me to tell you.

I have to work.

Oh, these two, back at it.

Classic Sam and Jay fight.

Is like tiffs between Whoopi and Meghan,

but they can't cut to commercial.

We get to see everything.

Wait, why is Jay working in the city?

Jay never wanted to move out here, remember?

He only stayed because of your accident.

But in this world,

you were just pulling him away from his cooking

and his friends and his career.

Didn't he open his own restaurant at the B and B?

Without the ghosts, the idea for Mahesh never came up.

So Jay's resentment built

until he finally took a job back in the city.

Ooh, Sam's mad. There goes the vein.

Can't you just call in sick or something?

I don't want to call in sick.

I love my job.

Yeah, but you're never here.

I never wanted to be here.

You dragged me here.

Not nice to drag people places.

Skin on back of head wear away quicker than you think.

This one time...

I don't want to hear it, Thor.

We seemed so happy together this morning.

A performance for your assistant Freddie.

He's seen so many of your fights,

so now you guys overcompensate in front of him.

Okay, let's give this one more shot.

Isaac Higgintoot and Henrietta Woodstone...

Holy crap, it worked.

Oh, it's the wedding. Fun.

My sincere hope

is that the two of you enjoy a marriage

as loving and as loyal as what I had with Carol.

Whoopsie.

Now, if anyone here sees any reason why these two

should not wed, now would be a great time to pipe up.

Nothing?

Really?

Captain Higgintoot.

Lieutenant Colonel Chessum, you've come.

Yes, I know we've had our differences,

but I couldn't let you get married without saying...

Come on, Nigel, you got this.

...congratulations.

Okay.

Well, I guess there's nothing left to do...

...except continue.

Uh, unless? Going once...

Anyone?

Look at me.

I'm 15 feet away from this train wreck,

and there's nothing I can do.

Why do I look so happy?

Jay and I just had a huge fight.

Well, you're not gonna want to hear this one,

but with you and Jay growing apart,

you've started an emotional affair

with someone you met online.

What? Who?

No.

No, no, no.

No!

Okay, I'll call you when I get to the city.

No, Jay, don't go.

Okay. Hetty, do you take this man

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

You've got to stop this. None of this is right.

I'm sorry, Sam, it's too late.

- What do you mean? - Isaac,

do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Well, you made a wish, and I was sent here to grant it.

I do.

But this isn't what I want.

Hetty and Isaac,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Isaac, you may kiss the bride.

That's it. The tour's over.

This is now your life. Merry Christmas, Sam.

No!

Oh, great, now someone objects.

I mean...

I love ya.

Oh!

Carol? Carol, come back!

What's wrong with Sam?

I want things to go back to the way they were.

I want Pete

and Alberta to be dating again.

Me and Pete?

How does she know our names?

Sass shouldn't be hiding the fact that he's a virgin.

Virgin?

Okay, yeah, tell that to all my satisfied customers.

And I want to live in a world where Isaac is proud to be gay.

Gay?

A red-blooded

- billy goat like me? - You jest.

Most of all,

I... I want Jay back.

I don't care if things aren't perfect

or if our life is complicated sometimes.

I just want to face it all with him.

I wish

things could go back to how they were.

I wish I could see ghosts again.

That's my girl.

Welcome back, Sam.

I can see you.

Hetty, can you hear me?

Alberta, can you see me?

What's with Sam?

She sounds like Yentl.

Oh, thank God. I made a terrible wish

that I couldn't see ghosts and then Carol granted it.

My Carol?

Yes, but she was Christmas Carol,

and everything was messed up.

You were there, Isaac, but you were marrying Hetty.

And you were there, Thor,

but you didn't know your son.

Was I there?

I don't really remember.

The point is, I regret what I said. I'm sorry.

I'm so happy I can see you guys.

I was just upset.

Hey, uh, I was just talking

to that guy, babe, and I...

Whoa.

What was that for?

For everything. I love you, Jay.

Whoa, I think I fell asleep for a few minutes,

but then the smooching woke me up.

Hey, man, it's Flower.

What? What's happening?

Jay, it's me. Flower possessed me.

Thor did it as a gift to her.

Next year, will only give sex coupon.

It enough.

What? O-Okay. Well, we got to get

Flower out of you before this interview.

What interview? I thought I blew the interview.

What are you talking about?

The interview hasn't happened yet.

You were just getting your makeup done.

There she is.

It's showtime.

Hey, man. Aren't you that guy from TV?

You know, I was

on TV once. I flashed the second baseman

at a San Francisco Giants game.

Cool.

Maybe we don't mention stuff like that on the air, huh?

This way, please.

Flower? Sam? Flower-Sam?

Okay, you can sit right over here.

-Cool. -Oh, guys, you know what?

Um, actually, I-I-I think

Sam needs to go outside for just a minute.

Sorry, we're about to go live.

We need to buy Sam some time to regain control

and get to the boundary.

I got this.

Uh, Walter, just a minute.

I'm-I'm picking up a weird room tone.

Guys, can we fix this? Now?

Tiny camera, feel Odin's wrath!

Ugh, we lost picture.

Unbelievable.

All right, we need a battery change on camera one.

This is incredible teamwork.

And if it were St. Patrick's Day,

I'd be jumping in with a contribution of my own.

Whoa. What the...?

Hey, hold the roll. Let's get this cleaned up.

All right, we're taking a tight two,

then we're going live.

Take control, Sam. This is your moment.

I'm back.

Now go! Get to the boundary.

Run! Like there's a sale at Old Navy!

Man, Pringles were good.

Sorry about all that possession stuff, Sam.

All good.

She's back.

All right, I think we're good to go. Cameras ready?

You good, babe?

We're live in three...

That's right, Jill, I'm here in New York's Hudson Valley

with the author of Isaac Higgintooth: Colonial Vampire.

Hey, Sam, thanks for being here.

Thank you so much for having me.

And so this is a book where you can have a laugh,

maybe a cry,

and hopefully learn something about the origins of our nation.

Well, I certainly enjoyed

when George Washington turned into a bat.

Did that really happen?

I'm kidding, of course.

Well, anyhow, thanks, Sam. Jill, back to you.

Oh, you crushed it, Sam.

And if I had money and the ability to turn pages,

I-I would buy your book for sure.

-Aw. -Babe, you were amazing.

Thanks, Jay.

I couldn't have done it without you.

Without any of you.

I just feel so lucky to have all of you in my life.

Even Thor?

Yes, Thor. Even you.

And not to relitigate,

but you did sort of say to surprise you.

We leave at that.

I know the possession wasn't ideal,

but it was a really groovy gift.

I mean, I got to take drugs

for the first time in 60 years.

I'm sorry. What do you mean, you took drugs?

The mistletoe. The drug I got from Gabe.

I took it-- well, we took it--

on my way back from the restaurant.

Well, look at that.

You were high as a kite.

I suppose that explains this whole

"visit from Carol" nonsense.

I guess it does.

Okay, I can't help it.

I got to watch it again.

So proud of you, babe.

Hey, Trevor, help me out with this

scratch and sniff Sam got me for Christmas.

Come on, come on, come on.

Wow.

For a piece of paper with cartoon eyes

and a pepperoni bow tie, that's pretty good.

Greetings.

Every time.

Patience...

what's up?

I come with good news.

Your disappointment at our parting gave me pause.

What? What are you saying?

I am saying that

I now believe that we shouldst be together.

Yeah, but...

different worlds.

-Oh. -Sometimes that first thought

is the best thought.

Oh, but that can be remedied. I have met

your friends, and you can meet my people.

Where is this going?

Trevor Lefkowitz, dweller of the overground,

son of Abraham, holder of my heart,

allow me

to introduce you to... the Others.

Oh, holy night.