Original subtitles

Previously on The West Wing:

You have one or two demands.

That's no problem.

I'll also need unfettered access to you. No.

Respectfully, sir. It's a deal breaker.

You didn't keep records.

You have violated medical practices.

And, in going after me, they can paint the President.

Can I offer Buckland...?

No. Well, he's going to keep mouthing off...

Let him know we're going to put it out

he tried to blackmail the President.

Everyone will know the leak came from us.

You're pissed at me?

You're pissed at me. I don't believe it. Abbey...

Go to hell.

PRESIDENT: I'm not wild about Camp David.

C.J.: Yes, sir.

I'm not the only one, either.

Bess Truman didn't like it.

I read that somewhere.

She thought it was dull.

But there I go-- Thanksgiving at Camp David.

Yeah.

It's not a place you'd go at Thanksgiving

not when you have a farm.

Isn't Camp David a farm?

No.

Oh.

What makes you think it's a farm?

I don't know. It's outside...

Farms have things

you can grow, and animals.

Right.

I want you to learn more about farms.

There's more?

Yeah.

Okay.

Doesn't matter.

Thanksgiving's where your family is

and this year, my family's at Camp David.

Why, I do not know.

Abbey didn't want to shlep to New Hampshire.

Shlepping in a 747?

It's not like we were going

to have to carry our own bags or anything

but I do not argue.

Were we talking about something?

I don't know, sir.

When I came in here, back in the late '50s

there was a purpose to it

but then one thing led to another, and I blacked out.

I mean, I can hang in there with the best of them, sir

but somewhere during the discussion

of anise and coriander

you like to use to baste a turkey

I simply lost consciousness.

You know that line

you're not supposed to cross with the President?

I'm coming up on it?

No, no. Look behind you.

Yes, sir.

Would you like to leave?

With your permission, sir.

Damn right, with my permission.

Yes, sir.

It's the brine that keeps the meat soft, lady.

You soak it overnight

in water, salt, sugar...

17 kinds of...

17 kinds of spices...

including?

Anise and coriander.

Now you can go.

Thank you, Mr. President.

How you doing?

I'm done, baby.

Yeah?

I set up the ed-board meeting

with the Post on budget gains.

I did an early briefing

on the wheat-gluten import quota proclamation.

We pardoned the turkey.

I went to my dentist. I'm done.

So there are these two Indians in the lobby.

Yeah?

No, that's not the beginning of a joke.

I'm saying, there are these two Indians in the lobby.

I'm saying, yeah?

They had a meeting scheduled this morning with Jacob Cutler

at Intergovernmental Affairs.

Cutler had to cancel the meeting

so he could see Northwestern border state governors

to discuss porous borders between the U.S. and Canada.

That's the governors of Washington, Idaho

North Dakota, Montana, and Alaska.

Yeah?

Yeah, well, apparently

the Indians say they're not leaving

till they get satisfaction.

How's this my problem?

C.J., there's two Indians

sitting in the lobby.

They say they're not leaving.

There's press everywhere.

I just made it your problem.

( sighs )

Indians, on the day before Thanksgiving.

Wow. Ironic.

Yeah.

Henry, I got it. Thanks.

( C.J. clears throat )

Good morning. I'm C.J. Cregg.

I'm Maggie Morningstar-Charles

and this is our tribal counsel

Jack Lone Feather.

I'm sorry about your meeting.

Mr. Cutler had to meet with some Northwestern governors

about an important problem.

Yes.

It will be no problem

to reschedule the appointment.

Uh, we can wait.

Would you like to step into my office

and we can try to reschedule it right now?

We're fine here.

I'm sorry?

She said we're fine here.

Actually, you're not fine here.

Then you can forcibly remove us.

I've noticed that

correspondents from the Times, Reuters, CNN

and the Miami Herald are here.

MAGGIE: And the Washington Post

is on speed dial.

This is going to have something to do with us screwing you

out of all your land, isn't it?

Yes.

See, I was done.

I was just coming to see you.

Did you hear about the two Indians

in the lobby?

One of them wants to become a rabbi?

It's not a joke.

There really...

Never mind.

Last week, a 13-year-old kid in Georgia shot his teacher

in the back of the head.

I read about that.

They can't find the kid, right?

Interpol made the arrest last night in Rome.

In Italy?

His parents...

Yeah, Rome in Italy.

His parents sent him there as soon as it happened.

The parents are in custody.

Obviously, the governor wants him back

and Italy won't extradite to a country

that has the death penalty.

The governor wants Justice to help.

Why isn't this conversation taking place

in the DeKalb County D.A.'s office?

It's taken on an international flavor.

Much like myself. Yeah.

You'll talk to some people? Si.

And you'll stop doing that soon?

Yeah.

Sam?

Yeah?

Are you guarding my office?

( laughing )

That's funny.

Thank you.

( heavy sigh )

Yeah?

On Monday, the OMB is putting out a new formula

for calculating the poverty level.

I saw that.

Does it need presidential approval

before it goes to Congress?

Yeah.

What's the problem?

It's a good news/ bad news thing.

Under the new formula, poverty is up two percent.

It was anyone

under $17,524 before.

Now it's $20,000.

What does that shake out to?

Four million new poor people.

Four million? Yeah.

Obviously, that's the bad news.

Yeah. The good news is

is that more people will be eligible for benefits.

And taxpayers are nuts about that.

Let's get back to the bad news.

Four million people became poor on the President's watch?

They didn't become poor.

They were poor already

and now we're calling them poor.

What was wrong with the old formula?

I don't know. Find out.

It's possible that this is

a statistical reality and not a political fight.

Well, get with someone at OMB and find out what was wrong

with the statistical reality of the old formula.

Yeah.

Do it today. Yeah.

It's like when they did the thing

with the SAT scores

and I got dumber 20 years after I went to college.

It's a little like that.

Talk to somebody.

Yeah.

The Treaty of 1856... Yes, listen...

...we were moved from New York to Wisconsin.

Listen, this isn't a good place for this.

This is, uh, a lobby.

I know what this is.

Yes.

I have a degree from the University of Michigan.

Look...

Miss Cregg

if we give up this ground

we lose our one bullet in our gun.

We need to be in view of the press.

What tribe are you from?

We're Stockbridge-Munsee Indians.

Like Maggie was saying, when we were moved to Wisconsin

we signed the Treaty of 1856.

In return, the government

was supposed to protect our reservations

provide education and health care

and we would still be a sovereign nation.

But then the Dawes Act came.

You were forced

to sell the land?

We went from 46,000 acres of tribal land

to 11,000.

The Dawes Act was also supposed to civilize us.

Henry Dawes said

"To be civilized, you must cultivate the land

wear civilized clothes, drive Studebaker wagons

and drink whiskey."

The drinking part

was particularly constructive advice.

Now, before we go any further, I should tell you

there's absolutely nothing I can do for you.

Imagine our shock.

Yes.

In two generations, we'll be wiped out.

Did you get me a flight?

Yes.

Excellent.

One that gets me there in time for dinner?

Yes.

And I don't have to change planes in Atlanta?

No. Even better.

You do have to change planes in Atlanta.

I told you... You have to change planes in Atlanta. Deal with it.

There must be something.

There's a 6:10 to Orlando.

It gets in at 9:15, but that's too late for dinner.

You could get a C-141 leaving Andrews for Homestead

but there's a problem with that, too.

It would trigger a Congressional investigation?

All right, two problems.

Find me something.

Why is this being done last minute?

And remember to scold me a couple times before I go.

Did you just decide

you were going home for Thanksgiving?

No, but I thought I was going to Connecticut.

Why?

'Cause that's where the house is.

Your mom sold the house ten months ago.

I made a mistake. You forgot where your mother lives?

I'm from Connecticut, okay?

And like a swallow to Capistrano, I have to...

Just find me a flight, would you?

And call Russell Angler at the State Department

and tell him I need to see him about the kid in Georgia.

He'll know what I'm talking about.

I'm telling your mother you forgot where she lives.

You're the girl I made fun of

in elementary school, you know that?

Yes, I do.

SAM: Donna

can I go in?

You don't know of any special secret flights

to Palm Beach today, do you?

Yeah, but you got to change planes in Atlanta.

Okay.

Did you hear about this kid?

Oh, the one who shot his teacher?

His parents, who are in custody

Fed-Exed him to Rome, which is in Italy.

Are you kidding me?

No. It's really in Italy.

But that's not the best part.

Italy won't extradite.

The best part is that Italy won't extradite.

Because of the death penalty in Georgia?

They've come a long way since Mussolini.

You should mention that.

I will.

So, it turns out we've got four million new poor people.

Since when?

Well, yesterday actually.

The OMBs recommending a new model?

Yes. I'm not an expert

but wouldn't we have a better chance

of getting reelected if we could say

there are four million fewer poor people?

Hang on, wait. I am an expert.

Well, I think we have a better chance of getting reelected

if there actually were four million fewer poor people

but I'm going to talk to Bernice Collette anyway.

You're going to try and get her

not to recommend the new model?

Well, to hold off for a while anyway.

You know Bernice?

That's why I came to you.

She's, uh, a little tough to warm up.

I'll warm her up.

Yeah?

Jokes, nicknames--

that sort of thing.

Well, it sounds like you've got

a pretty good plan.

Anything else I need to know?

Don't go through the lobby. Why?

Indians in the lobby.

Is that code?

No. There are Indians in the lobby.

Okay.

PRESIDENT: Bess Truman didn't like Camp David, either.

She thought it was dull.

Doesn't matter.

Long as you've got an oven that will go to 320 degrees.

You take your turkey

which has been soaking overnight

in water, salt, coriander... ( knocking )

Excuse me, sir. Toby would like to see you.

Should I send him in?

Yes.

Yeah, well, that's obviously

a question for you, sir.

She was asking me.

I'll step out.

Yeah.

Good morning, sir.

Hey.

( door closes quietly )

Before anything else, I was hoping I could impose on you

for as much information as you can spare

about making a turkey.

This is some preemptive psychological thing?

Yeah.

That's not going to work.

Yeah.

You're going to see... in next week's message calendar

there's a notation about a new Federal initiative

to provide low-cost cell phones

to neighborhood watch groups.

I saw the message calendar.

I'm having some difficulty

navigating the color coding.

The colors are for areas:

blue's education, green's economy.

It's a quick-glance way of letting us know

if we're getting enough hits on our issues.

There should be

a separate color for things I don't care about.

Like what?

Providing low-cost cell phone service

to neighborhood

watch groups. It's important.

Really? You spot a crime, you going to go to a pay phone?

There's nothing wrong with the policy.

It's just too small.

I could fund this initiative

out of my pocket. It's $10 million.

Leo could fund it out of his pocket.

Shouldn't this be local government

like the YMCA or something?

We have an idea, which we have reason to believe is popular

which is that, in addition

to passing large and abstract pieces of legislation...

We pass minute but easy to understand...

Yes.

How popular? 82%.

Get out of here.

Hand to God.

Bring me that polling data.

( clears throat )

What kind of stuffing are we talking about?

Cornbread

oysters, water chestnuts and andouille sausage.

You going to cook on the inside or separate? Inside.

Better make sure it cooks. It'll cook.

If it doesn't cook, people are going to get sick.

It'll cook. They'll be very, very sick.

I've got it covered.

Anything else?

You know about the new OMB definitions?

I know they're coming out.

What's it going to look like?

That depends-- you want more poor people

or fewer poor people?

Fewer poor people.

You got it.

Thank you, Mr. President.

water chestnuts and andouille sausage.

Sounds good.

Yeah.

But Toby seemed to indicate

that you had to be careful

if you cooked it inside the turkey

because, in some cases, it doesn't cook

and when that happens, people get sick. Yeah.

You know about this?

I've heard about it.

'Cause I thought Toby might be playing with me.

Maybe he is. But you said you've heard of it.

Maybe I am, too.

Nah. You don't have that kind of wit.

Yeah. I need to talk

to an expert.

Talk to Rene. Margaret?

I can't ask Rene.

Yes. The President needs to speak

with the head chef.

Could you try him at home?

No, no, I can't.

Thanks, Margaret.

I can't ask Rene right now.

Why not?

Well, frankly, I thought he did something

stupid and inconsiderate last week

but it turns out, I was just in a bad mood.

You gave Rene a firm talking-to.

Yes, and while he didn't deserve it

he will someday soon.

CHARLIE: Excuse me.

Come on in.

They dropped off the polling data you were asking for.

82% are in favor of fixing potholes?

Yeah.

I'm going to look at this.

Okay.

the nickel and dime stuff

I'll tell you one thing we can do.

What's that, sir?

This time of the year, there should be

a hot line you can call

with questions about cooking turkeys.

A special 800 number where the phones are staffed by experts.

There is.

What do you mean?

The Butterball Hot Line.

Butterball has a hot line?

Yeah.

It's an 800 number.

The phones are staffed by experts.

Are you kidding me?

No.

God, I'm sorry.

I love my country.

Charlie, get me the number for the Butterball Hot Line.

Yes, sir.

Hang on.

I don't think

this is the right one.

The right poll?

Yeah.

This is something different.

Hang on a second.

This is...

Son of a bitch.

Find Bruno Gianelli.

Tell him I want to see him right away.

Yes, sir.

GINGER: Sam?

Yeah.

Bernice Collette.

Thanks.

Hey, Sam.

How you doing, Bernie?

I'm not wild about people calling me Bernie.

Sure. What should I call you?

Bernice is fine.

But how will you know I'm your buddy?

I'm okay living in the dark on that.

Okay.

Can you tell me how the current standard was reached?

The new one?

The current one.

The new one hasn't been signed off on.

We have to sign off on it.

Why?

It's much more accurate.

How was the old one reached?

The current one.

In 1963, an Eastern European immigrant

named Molly Orshansky

who was working over in Social Security

came up with it.

Food was the most costly

living expense where she came from.

Our cost of living formula

for the last 40 years has been based

on life in Poland during the Cold War?

This is what I'm talking about.

Food doesn't account for one third

of a family's budget.

Housing is more expensive than food.

The current model also doesn't take into account transportation

and health insurance.

So let's call the current model the old model

and sign off on the new model.

All right.

Sit down.

The kid's being held at San Vitale in Rome.

You ever seen anything like this before?

Well, he's a minor

so this is uncharted territory.

Now, listen, I got to tell you something.

What?

Unless the eligibility papers

meet all the treaty obligations

they're going to have to release him.

Into whose custody?

They're just going to release him.

Russ... It's a provisional arrest.

We don't have the paperwork right

the Foreign Minister's going to review it

and decline extradition.

They have no grounds to hold him.

I-I don't...

He didn't break any Italian laws.

They're going to give him a Eurorail Pass and a backpack?

Well, the Governor's got to guarantee

that he's not going to seek the death penalty.

First of all, it isn't up to the Governor.

It's up to the DeKalb DA.

Second of all, this is Georgia.

Then, we're not getting the kid back.

"Extradition shall be refused

"unless the requesting Party

"provides such assurances

"as the requested Party considers sufficient

that the death penalty shall not be imposed."

I didn't write the U.S./Italian extradition treaty.

This kid shoots his teacher in the head

and gets life in Venice.

We're all going to look like idiots.

I got to put this out before it's in the papers.

Yeah.

What do I do now?

I'd talk to the Charge d'Affaires

at the Italian Embassy.

I want to do it today.

I'll set it up.

Thank you.

MAN: We got swampland

or soil too rocky to farm

so we had to foreclose or sell at three cents an acre.

In 1934, the Indian Reorganization Act allowed us

to start buying back the land, bad and good, bit by bit.

Why would you want to buy back the bad land, too?

Because the I.R. Act said if we put it in a trust

like a national park, it would never be taken away.

So what you need is what?

An answer on our CFR 151 application.

I'm sure that's handled

by the Department of the Interior.

It is. And?

We're still waiting for a answer.

These things take a little bit of time.

Well, we've been waiting for a little bit of time.

It's a big interior, Maggie.

We've been waiting for 15 years, C.J..

15 years?

Yeah.

So you can see why we don't mind

hanging around here for a little while.

Yeah.

C.J.? Yeah.

You guys going to have anything on Macedonia

before the end of the day?

I don't think so. Okay.

What's going on? I'm just talking to my friends.

Okay. Have a good weekend, Mark.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

I'm Canadian.

Yours is in April.

October.

Oh, to have it be over.

Yeah.

I have to ask you because I'm asking everyone.

There is an American children's book

I'm trying to find and having difficulty.

It's called

The Little Red Lighthouse and the Great Grey Bridge.

I know The Little Red Lighthouse.

That's a great book.

The funicular-- it's not a funicular.

It's a...

The George Washington Bridge.

Yes. You know the lighthouse is still there.

It's very hard to see.

If you're driving up the Riverside

the West Side Highway goes...

Yeah. You peer down just at the right moment

you can see the top of it.

I can't find the book

and I have a four-year-old boy now.

I'll ask around.

Thank you.

Please.

Now...

You stand hand in hand with no other nation on this

except Somalia.

You know that, don't you?

Even China doesn't allow children to be executed.

Well, Federal law doesn't allow it

but the people in the state of Georgia do

so there's not much...

Yes.

( sighs )

Grazzi.

Mr. Fedrigotti...

Alberto.

Alberto

please.

You'll have the Ambassador speak to the Foreign Minister

and send the kid back?

Josh, you're in a restaurant...

Alberto...

...and there is a little girl

who's really misbehaving.

She runs around.

She's throwing food.

The father decides to punish her right there

by cracking a wine bottle over her head

throwing her to the ground

and kicking her repeatedly.

You sit at the next table.

What do you do?

The kid wasn't throwing food.

Is there a crime that girl could commit

that would have justified what the father did?

See, it's-it's problematic

when other people make my argument for me.

Yeah.

And if the father said, "This is my child

and I will punish her any way I choose"

would you come to the conclusion

that this father has lost all perspective

and good judgment

and should be removed from the equation?

Okay. I'm going to, uh...

I'll ask around about the book.

Thank you.

What about the Assistant Secretary for Indian Affairs?

He's away.

You tried?

Yeah.

Deputy Director of Intergovernmental Affairs?

He's left.

Deputy of Acquisition...

Isn't there a Deputy of Acquisition

and Property Management?

Yeah, and there's also a Deputy of Tribal Services.

But... ? It's Thanksgiving. Nobody's here.

I'm here. They're here.

You're here.

God knows that.

Tell Leo's office I'm coming over.

She's making a certain amount of sense.

Isn't this one of those things

that can be argued from all sides?

Yes. And in one way or another

they're all right. Yes.

You can put the numbers together

a lot of different ways.

Yeah.

Okay, well, let's put them together

in a way that gives us fewer poor people.

Yeah.

Or if we have to go with the new formula

delay as long as we can.

We have to test it.

All right.

So three statisticians go deer hunting.

The first one misses ten feet to the left.

The second one misses ten feet to the right.

The third one jumps up and down and says, "I hit it."

You got to like a guy who comes up with

a statistical analysis joke.

Certainly you would

if you had let me call you Bernie.

Sam... Shouldn't we test the math

before the President signs off on it?

Create a pilot program

and experiment for two years?

Test the math? Yeah.

You think we did this with an abacus?

I've always wanted to learn how to work an abacus.

'Cause on the first date when the check comes

and you pull that thing out of your pocket

and start adding up the tip.

Well, that and your statistics jokes

will have you blazing a path through the capital women.

Yeah. You know, the new formula doesn't take into account

regional differences in housing costs.

No. You don't think it's worth it?

We took the national mean.

How do you suppose landlords

in New York and L.A. feel

about the national mean?

We debated that, but agreed it was

too difficult to assess

when the costs change from year to year.

So you drop the problem when the math gets tough?

Look... You know who wouldn't be very pleased by that?

Miss Holly Orshanksy of Poland

author of the original formula

who I think is long overdue for recognition.

Molly.

Hmm?

Molly Orshansky.

Not Holly?

No.

I thought it was Holly.

Bruno.

Get him in here.

What the hell is this?

Sorry?

What is this?

I don't know what you're waving.

It's a poll.

I asked to see a poll about...

It doesn't matter.

They sent up the wrong poll.

This one asks voters where I should spend Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing

polling where I should spend Thanksgiving?

Well, New England doesn't get us anything

that we don't already have

and there was a sense it could be seen as political

with New Hampshire the first primary state.

I have Thanksgiving with my family.

Yeah, yeah.

People like that.

Thank God.

Mr. President...

You politicize my family

to make sure they don't look political?

Don't get me started on irony, sir.

My family is off limits.

Sir

your candor... about a terrible illness

was off limits.

Your regimen of self-medication

was off limits.

With due respect, you've used up

your off limits.

I'll decide when I've used them up.

You don't poll where my family goes.

Am I making myself clear?

Mm-hmm.

Sometimes I have difficulty

talking to people who don't race sailboats.

What?

I have difficulty sometimes

talking to people who don't race sailboats.

When I was a teenager, I crewed Larchmont to Nassau

on a 58-foot sloop

called Cantice.

There was a little piece of kelp

that was stuck to the hull, and even though it was little

you don't want anything stuck to the hull.

So, I take a boat hook

on a pole, and I stick it in the water

and I try to get the kelp off

when seven guys start screaming at me, right?

'Cause now the pole is causing more drag than the kelp was.

See, what you got to do is you got to drop it in

and let the water lift it out in a windmill motion.

Drop it in, and let the water take it by the kelp

and lift it out.

In and out, in and out, until you got it.

The voters aren't choosing a plumber

Mr. President.

They are choosing a President

and if you don't think that your family should matter

my suggestion to you

is to get out of professional politics.

But if you think that I am going to miss

even one opportunity

to pick up half a knot of boat speed

you're absolutely out of your mind.

When it costs us nothing?

And we give up nothing?

You're out of your mind.

( knock at door )

Excuse me.

Ah, something important.

What is that, sir?

The number for the Butterball Hot Line.

Watch and learn.

WOMAN: Welcome to the Butterball Hot Line.

Hello.

Please stand by for our next available operator

to assist you.

Charlie?

15 years.

I agree. That's a long time.

That's a pretty long time.

Yes.

And you know, all we're talking about

is a sewage plant and a health center.

They're not asking for the Great Plains.

I'll have somebody call somebody

and find out what the delay is.

What can I tell them in the meantime?

Tell them that. It would be nice if they could see

someone before they left.

They had an appointment.

Sealy? He's gone.

Do it Monday.

We do it Monday, they're

going to stay here till Monday

absent being dragged off in handcuffs.

Of this, I'm sure.

Plus, right is right.

What do you want from me?

Five minutes. No.

They walk out of here, they've met the Chief of Staff.

No. Why not?

'Cause I'm not taking a meeting

with somebody who stages a sit-in in the lobby.

All right, thank you.

Thank you.

Toby.

Yes, sir?

Come in, please.

You polled where I should have Thanksgiving?

Yeah, I saw that question.

And it was okay with you?

Uh, yes, sir.

Why?

Because it was okay with Joey Lucas.

You think people should care where I have Thanksgiving?

I know I don't give a damn.

All right, it doesn't matter.

I straightened it out with Bruno.

It has a lot to do with kelp.

With what?

WOMAN: Hello. Welcome to the Butterball Hot Line.

Hey! Shh! What the hell is...?

Hello!

How can I help you, sir?

Well, first, let me say

I think this is a wonderful service you provide.

Thank you. May I have your name, please?

I'm a citizen.

I'm sure you are, sir, but if I have your name

I can put your comments in our customer feedback form.

I'm Joe Bethersontin.

That's one "T," and with an "H" in there.

And your address?

Fargo.

Your street address, please.

Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota right now.

My street address

is 11454 Pruder Street,

and it's very important that you put "street" down there

because sometimes it gets confused

with Pruder Way

and Pruder Lane.

It's Apartment 23...

"R"

Fargo, North Dakota.

Zip code 50504.

Thank you.

Your voice sounds very familiar to me.

I do radio commercials for... products.

And how can I help you?

Stuffing should be stuffed inside the turkey, am I correct?

It can also be baked in a casserole dish.

Well, then, we'd have to call it something else

wouldn't we?

I suppose.

If I cook it inside the turkey

is there a chance I could kill my guests?

I'm not saying that's necessarily a deal-breaker.

Well, there are some concerns.

Two main bacterial problems

are salmonella and campylobacter jejuna.

All right, well, first of all

I think you made the second bacteria up,

and second of all

how do I avoid it?

Make sure all the ingredients are cooked first.

Sauté any vegetables

fry sausage, oysters, etcetera.

Excellent.

Let's talk temperature.

165 degrees.

No. See, I was testing you.

The USDA calls for turkeys to be cooked

to an internal temperature

of 180 to 185 degrees.

Yes, sir.

I was talking about the stuffing

which you want to cook to 165 to avoid the health risks.

Okay. Good testing.

Do you have an accurate thermometer?

Oh, yeah.

It was presented to me as a gift from the personal sous chef

to the king of...

auto sales in...

( whispering ): Fargo.

...Fargo.

Phil Baharnd.

The man can sell a car like...

well, like anything.

Very good, sir.

You have a good Thanksgiving.

And you do, too.

Thanks a lot.

That was excellent.

We should do that once a week.

Phil Baharnd?

I got to get better

at the names.

Well, that's it, sir.

Want to start the weekend?

No. One more thing left.

Today, we find the traitor in my family.

I know the First Lady doesn't like to schlep,

but would you please tell her to meet me in the residence?

Yes, sir.

JOSH: Look... I need to ask you something.

LEO: What?

What am I missing?

Why does the White House care so much

about an issue involving a local DA

which at best should be handled

by Justice and State and the Embassy?

Because. Because what?

Because I don't want this President

to get a call from the Bishop of Rome.

Why do we care about the Bishop of Rome?

Because that's not the only name he goes by.

What's another name?

Your Holiness.

The Bishop of Rome is the Pope?

He'll take it to a whole new level.

We don't want to be on that level.

No, we do not.

Forget the Italians.

I want to work it from our side.

That means getting the DA to guarantee

he won't seek the death penalty.

Yeah. How?

DeKalb's the Georgia Fourth.

Yeah.

When Drier was elected from the Georgia Fourth

election before last, Faragut was who he beat.

Who's Faragut?

The DeKalb DA.

Well, I suppose there's a time for scruples

and a time for, you know...

Not?

Yeah.

He's left the office.

But he'll be on the 8:00 PM USAirways

out of Hartsfield, going to DFW.

Hartsfield?

Yeah. Okay.

Excuse me.

Thank you. Listen...

I got you on standby on a direct flight

to Boca, where you can rent a car, and...

Cancel it. Why?

I need a layover in Atlanta.

Oh, of course you do.

I need to get there about an hour before

an 8:00 flight would take off.

That would be around 7:00.

I haven't done the math.

I'm also going to need some information

on the DeKalb County DA whose name is Faragut.

Do me a favor. Start with a recent photograph.

And call my mother

and tell her I'm going to be late.

Josh? Yeah.

You call your mother.

Right.

I should be able to at least fire

paint balls at you while you do that.

It's harder to get elected if you feature the underclass,

but it's harder to help them if you hide them.

( chuckles dryly )

Well, what if we just recalibrate it

to make everyone over $20,000 rich

and everyone under $20,000 middle class?

Then they'd all vote

Republican, wouldn't they?

Yeah. I think when we

get back from the weekend, we should talk to Bruno.

Why Bruno?

Because I think if it's anything short

of a torpedo in the side of the campaign

we should take it to Leo.

I think even if it's a torpedo

in the side of the campaign

we should do it, but that's me.

And I don't imagine I'd rally

much support around that.

No. So, I'll talk to Bruno.

Yeah. Thanks.

See you Monday.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

You, too.

CAROL: Listen.

What?

Security's nervous.

Nervous about what?

The Indians in the lobby.

No, I mean, nervous about what?

It's a lawyer and a Michigan Wolverine.

I think we can take 'em. We always do.

Yeah, I'm just saying

security's going to do their thing.

( sighs )

I'll be there in a minute.

Bruno?

Hey.

You get hauled in?

Yep.

And?

We had a conversation.

Listen, the OMB's going to come out

with a recommendation for a new way

to calculate the poverty level.

A show of hands?

No, but the formula raises

the poverty level $2,000 and change.

So, what is it now?

$20,000 a year.

The problem is, we got to campaign

with four million new poor people.

That's the problem?

Yeah.

Not that someone making $21,000 a year

is considered comfortable?

We're working on that one, too.

You keep working on that.

I'll sell the other thing.

How?

Same way P.T. Barnum sold a truckload of white salmon.

By sticking labels on them that said

"Guaranteed not to go pink in the can."

I have this fish theme going on today.

What the hell...?

"Are you telling me this formula's

been broken for years, and the other guys haven't fixed it?"

Like that.

Want to get a quick drink?

No, I got nieces and nephews.

And we'll meet Monday on this, okay?

Truckload of white sal--

You ever even heard of white salmon?

No.

Guy could sell anything.

WOMAN ( over PA ): Welcome to Hartsfield International Airport.

For your protection, please do not leave

any baggage unattended.

MAN (over PA ): Flight 1421 to Los Angeles is now boarding at Gate 31D.

Flight 1421 to Los Angeles is now boarding at Gate 31D.

( buzz of conversation )

Yes?

Uh, could I get a ginger ale, please?

Excuse me, you're Mark Faragut, right?

I'm Josh Lyman.

Yeah.

Good to meet you.

You know, it's funny.

I just got a message from my office to call...

Yeah.

Oh, God, you didn't come all the way down here just...

No, my mom lives in Florida, but just technically.

Sorry? Doesn't matter.

The Governor...

The Italians aren't worried about the Governor, Mark.

They're worried about you.

Italy can't tell me how to prosecute my case.

And no offense, Josh, but neither can you.

You don't have a defendant.

You can't ask me to weaken my stance.

I know, 'cause the Georgia Fourth

is tough enough for a Democrat

without appearing as if he's against

the death penalty. I'm not against the death penalty.

I said "appearing."

And the only way to combat that is with TV time.

You are planning on running again, right?

Apparently, you don't know much

about my last campaign.

You raised $232,000 in four months,

but then the well dried up after you prosecuted

a corporate polluter and got stuck as anti-business.

You were left with $41,500 for the last two months

and that was the ball game.

WOMAN ( over PA ): USAirways is pleased to announce

its Flight 1017 service to Dallas-Ft. Worth

is now boarding at Gate Five.

Please have your boarding pass ready to show the ticket agent.

That's my flight.

Guarantee you won't seek the death penalty

and you'll have an endless media buy

to explain it to your district.

Josh, please tell me there is no money in that envelope.

No.

Well, in a manner of speaking.

Names?

Yeah, three of them.

None of them local.

Do what I'm telling you

and all three of them will take your call.

I can win this time.

Your flight's boarding.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

You, too.

Ginger ale.

Thank you.

Hello.

PRESIDENT: Hi.

Thank you, Al.

You summoned me?

Yeah, sorry about that.

Listen, I'm sorry about this, too,

but we have to change plans.

What do you mean? We're having dinner here at the White House.

Charlie's calling everybody. Why?

I've seen some polling information.

The numbers are staggering.

People are looking for steadiness,

for a father figure.

They like it when I'm here.

You can't be a father figure at Camp David?

I guess not.

This is ridiculous.

You can't change plans on people the 11th hour.

It's no problem.

Of course, it's a problem.

When you're in the White House, there's an entire staff

that has to be here.

Now, they can't go home.

It's their job.

It's Thanksgiving.

I've got polling numbers.

Which say Camp David is fine.

J'accuse!

Oh, brother.

J'accuse, mon petit fromage.

You speak four languages.

How come none of them is French?

Nothing's wrong with my French.

You just called me your little cheese.

That's right.

They came to me.

They said, "What do you think

about having Thanksgiving at Camp David

instead of New Hampshire?"

They told me why.

I said, "Fine."

And what part are you leaving out now?

The part where I lied to you.

Yes.

Yes, I do that sometimes.

Sometimes, I don't want to go 15 rounds

on Bess Truman and what constitutes a farm.

On your behalf, I have responded

to polling information telling me what I should wear

and what I should say, to say nothing of the fact

that I have been subpoenaed to answer questions

before Congress on how I secretly kept you alive.

So, explain to me now how what I did

was out of line.

You know what?

It was.

I know.

Well...

with the ingredients for stuffing

you have to cook them before you put them in the turkey

and you're not going to know whether I did or not.

I'll do what I always do with anything you cook.

I'll wait for the girls to eat it first.

Me, too.

How many treaties have we signed with the Munsee Indians?

Six.

How many have we revoked?

Six.

What were the Munsees doing

in 1778?

Fighting in George Washington's army.

And why aren't you in New York anymore?

'Cause you marched us to Wisconsin.

And whose land was it in the first place?

Ours.

( sighs )

I'm going to have the Park Police

escort you from the building.

It'll take me a few minutes, so you can make whatever calls

you need to make,

or you can come back to my office right now.

We'll make an appointment for Monday

and the White House will cover your expenses.

Okay.

"Okay," what?

Okay, ma'am.

No, "okay," you're...

We'll come back to the office.

How do you keep fighting these smaller injustices

when they're all from the mother of injustices?

What's the alternative?